21x12 - Old West

[bunniefuu]

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is v*olence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy. ♪

Okay, kids, remember, it's Father's Day,

which is the one day a year

we have to pretend
your dad's annoying habits

are charming quirks.

Here it comes, we get to watch
him remove his mouth guard.

Good morning, family.

Let's see if I can break

the nine-inch saliva string record.

There it is, nine inches.

Peter, that's two inches.

Saliva starts at the taint, Lois.

You always measure from the wrong place.

- Brian?
- Thank you.

I'll just take that
to the nibbling corner.

BRIAN: Mmm. (MOANS WITH PLEASURE)

Happy Father's Day, Dad.

Okay, Peter, we have a special
present for you this year.

We thought you could have the whole day

- to yourself...
- Yes!

...to do the Father's Day scavenger hunt

I organized with the other wives.

No!

No! No!

No! No!

What was that?

My inner Al Pacino.

Everybody has one.

- I don't.
- Sure you do.

Since it's Father's Day,

you have to do that thing
in bed with me tonight.

No!

Huh, son of a bitch.

Anyway, I thought
a scavenger hunt would be fun.

Dads don't want fun on Father's Day.

They want to put
their hand down their pants,

and watch a guy from a weird country

win a golf tournament.

Who's ready to scavenger hunt?

I'll be your guide today.

Hop on and, uh,
please excuse the clutter.

I'm kind of Nomadland -ing it
in this thing.

Can I move this bucket?

I wouldn't move or open any buckets.

Now, I'm gonna put on
a microphone headset

even though I'm mere feet from you.

- (FEEDBACK WHINES)
- Let's open that first clue

and start pedaling.

This is very hard.

Yeah, it's usually bachelorette
parties on these things,

so they mostly run on "woos!"

"Kids grow up so fast.

"Luckily, we are there for them

"when they need that extra support.

This is where you bought
Meg's first bra."

At Goodwill.

Oh, that's where
I got Junior's first bra.

Happy Father's Day, Daddy.

A bunch of grabby fellas at the mall

thought he was... (SIGHS) Lizzo.

Did you really buy Meg's first bra here?

I didn't think they were allowed to sell

used underwear products.

They do, there's just
a special way you have to ask.

- Hi.
- Hi.

I'm looking for, um...

uh...

In a garbage bag behind the lamps.

Thank you.

I found it.

What's it say?

"Everybody's heard about this bird.

"The next clue can be found
where he coops up.

But don't worry, I'm not
talking about his coupons."

Sounds like the Giant Chicken's house.

This is where the Giant Chicken lives?

It's amazing.

How's he so rich?

His family got into
the telecom game early.

They laid all the fiber
from here to Barrington.

Chickens did that?

Quahog actually has five of the top

richest chickens in the world.

I did a whole episode
about it on my podcast,

Joe's Gold: The Hidden Gems of Quahog.

I didn't know you had a podcast.

Well, you have to ask questions
to get answers, Peter.

Or as I say to my listeners,

"Ask and you shall Joe-ceive."

Is that supposed to rhyme?
Because it doesn't.

Hey, you're Joe from Joe's Gold.

That's right. You want an autograph?

No, I just want to say

your HelloFresh promo code doesn't work.

- Oh, did you type it in all caps?
- Yes.

- Joe's Gold. All caps.
- Yes.

It's got to be something on their end.

Hmm, I called them.
They said it's your end.

And you did all caps?

♪ ♪

We have reached our final destination.

I do accept tips, and I also offer them:

Do not become a high school principal.

(PANTING): We made it, guys.

Looks like the last clue
is on that fence over there.

"Congratulations on finishing

"your Father's Day scavenger hunt.

You have earned your big gift."

"You are now the proud sponsor

of a rescue sheep on the ranch..."

- Oh, no.
- Happy Father's Day.

Where we going to dinner?
"Baa-ja" Fresh?

I'll be keeping the sheep.

(WIND BLOWS)

♪ ♪

What the hell is he doing?

RANCH HAND: He's doing
what he does every Father's Day.

Waiting to sh**t his dad.

Every year he stands
under that there clock tower

at high noon, waiting
to duel his father, Old West,

who abandoned the family
to become an outlaw.

It was a promise he made to
himself when he was just a boy,

a promise his mother asked him
to keep on her deathbed.

"Pain for pain," she said.

So, every year,
Wild West waits right there

for his father to show,

but every year...

...his father never does.

His mouth is very wet.

Hmm. Well, if he's just waiting there,

now seems like a good time

to ask him some chit-chatty questions.

Hey. Hi.

Heard about your dad. Crazy stuff.

I don't have time for pleasantries.

Totally get it.
Hey, you run a small business.

I'm looking for a new paper shredder.

I can never find one that lasts.
Any recommendations?

Are you using lubricator sheets?

I've never heard of that.

Buy lubricator sheets.
Use them every pages.

Do you have a brand you use?

- Nuova.
- Muova?

- Nuova.
- That's what I said. Muova.

It's Nuova with an "N."

- An "M?"
- An "N."

N-N?

Just spell it? I'll write it down.

(GROANS) "N."

(g*nsh*t)

♪ ♪

Hello, son.

Dad.

Fathers and sons

have one of the trickier
relationships, historically.

We talk about that
all the time on the pod.

Hey, you're Joe from Joe's Gold.

Guilty as charged.

Your HelloFresh promo code doesn't work.

We don't have any sponsors,
I just made that up.

What kind of a man sh**t another man

when he's not looking? You ambushed me.

A real man is always
ready for an ambush.

Besides, I sh*t you in a limb.

That's how cowboys show affection.

The Chris Brown defense. Not great.

Are you sure you don't want us
to call a doctor, Mayor West?

That wound looks pretty gnarly.

I got some Minions Band-Aids
if you want.

Just not Stuart, or Bob.

(LAUGHS) Kevin's kind of hilarious, too.

You know what, I rescind
my Minions Band-Aid offer.

Look, son, I didn't
come here to quarrel.

I came here to make things right.

You lost the right to make amends

the day you walked out on me and Ma.

Thankfully, Allen was there

to pick up the pieces
of our shattered lives.

Now, Wild, I do not want
your blood sugar to get too low,

so look what I brought you. A juice box.

Oh, look who's here. Hello, Old West.

Allen. I see you still
got the Civic running.

Oh, yeah. You know, every year

the dealership calls,
asking me if I want to trade up,

but I tell them I just need
to get from "A" to "B,"

and I always do, thanks to "C."

(LAUGHS)

You know, "C" is the Civic.

Right, I got that.

I think it's best if you leave.

Don't let the door hit you
in the ass on the way out.

Why? Do people get hit
in the ass with it a lot?

It's just an expression.

Oh. I'm kind of worried about
this door now, though.

Just leave.

(SHOUTS)

Where did our bike go?

Sorry, it's gone.
Sold it to a guy on Craigslist.

It looks like you got
viciously assaulted.

Yeah. That's Craigslist.

How we gonna get back home?

I don't know, but I already
bummed a ride with Allen.

Hey-hey-hey!

Hope you're okay with
a little dog hair on the seats.

Oh, Allen, I'm okay
with all kinds of hair.

Well, what are we supposed to do now?

I could give you a lift.

I'm already headed in that direction,

but I'm afraid we're gonna have to leave

your m*nled man behind.

He'll only slow us down.

It'll be dark soon.
You're gonna need this.

There's six b*ll*ts in there.

Five for prey, one for yourself.

We'll tell your wife you love her.

Nah, that's okay.

Well, here we are.

Peter, I was wondering if you'd maybe

let me set up camp here for the night?

Oh, boy. Nothing free is ever free.

Well, I don't see why not.

Let me go ask my wife if it's okay.

Hey, Lois, can my friend
stay over tonight?

LOIS: What? Who?

PETER: My cowboy friend.

- LOIS: No.
- Please?

LOIS: No. You can't keep
coming home with things.

- PETER: I don't.
- LOIS: This is the iguana all over again.

- This isn't the iguana.
- I always end up

- having to take care of them.
- His skin is very similar to the iguana,

- but it's not the iguana.
- No.

PETER: Please? I
think we could have fun.

LOIS: I don't care what you think.

The answer is no.

PETER: It's not fair. Please?

LOIS: I said, "No."

She said backyard's fine.

Now, I have to say,

I was a little hesitant
to let you stay here,

but you've been a very
considerate guest.

Every time I stand up, you stand,

take your hat off, and say, "Ma'am."

- Ma'am.
- (LOIS CHUCKLES)

- Ma'am.
- (LOIS CHUCKLES)

Ma...

- ...am.
- (LOIS CHUCKLES)

You know, I can't understand

why Mayor West wouldn't
want you in his life.

- It's a long story.
- STEWIE: How long?

My daddy was an outlaw,

just like his daddy,
and his daddy before him.

STEWIE: "The end." Not so long.

They raised me to be the same.

After Wild was born, I...

I tried getting honest work.

Tried to go straight.

I auditioned for America's Got Talent,

but no one appreciates
jumping in and out

of a spinning lasso anymore.

When that didn't work out,

I turned to the only life I knew:

robbing and stealing.

(HORSE WHINNIES)

Wild never forgave me
for abandoning him.

How'd you get that scar on your face?

I got this scar working a heist.

A member of my posse
got pinned down by g*nf*re

and I went back to save him.

When you work a job with someone,

you never leave another man behind.

You know what I think?

With a little domestication,
you'd make a good dad.

Why don't you stay with us

and I can help you win your son back?

Oh, that sounds swell.

Mind if I sh**t my p*stol
in the air to celebrate?

(EXHALES)

Oh, boy, this is gonna turn
into a mess on Nextdoor.

(CHIMES)

(CHIMES)

(CHIMES)

(CHIMES)

(CHIMES)

(CHIMES)

(CHIMING)

Are you sure this whole getup
is necessary, Peter?

I feel a little foolish.

It's the perfect dad uniform.

The free Marriott polo shirt

tells everyone that you're
handsy when you're drunk,

the jean shorts say you're impotent,

and the sunglasses say
you stormed the Capitol.

That was a peaceful protest.

Yeah, it's not like they were
kneeling at a football game.

On a Sunday.

Anyway, now you look like a man
who's ready to be a dad.

In fact, my son was having a problem

that maybe a good dad
could help him solve.

There's a girl I like at school,

and I'm not sure if she likes me back.

Now here's what you should do:

You take out a hefty silver dollar,

and you drop it in her corset.

If it's meant to be, she'll accept you

in a room full of
distractingly floral wallpaper.

If not, she'll s*ab you in the liver

with your own boot Kn*fe.

That's how I met my Pearl.

I think you're ready.

When Mayor West sees you now,

he's gonna know you're serious
about being his dad.

Thank you for all your help, Peter.

You make a good partner,

and I want you to have something.

It's the dried hand

of a Paiute I found in the desert.

It's very important to me,

and now it's yours.

Is-is this a way to break
some kind of curse on you?

You need to make
the decision to take it.

Yeah, m-maybe just
leave it on the ground.

It doesn't work like...

It'll just wind up back in my pocket.

Yeah, I'm gonna pass.

Well, looks like someone thinks

a shave and a haircut
means he's a changed man.

Son, I don't know how much time
I have left in this world.

- Because of the cursed hand?
- That does add to the stress.

I just want to make things
right between us.

I don't buy it,

and I'm gonna do to you

what should have been done
a long time ago.

(WHISTLES)

(g*ns COCKING)

You're under arrest
for sh**ting the mayor.

You ambushed me.

A real man is always
ready for an ambush.

And a man also knows
how to get out of an ambush.

(WHISTLES)

Hmm.

(VIDEO GAME g*nshots AND SCREAMS)

Don't you have to work today?

No, I work on Thursday.

Uh, dude? Today is Thursday.

Dang it.

(HO OF BEATS RECEDING)

Forgot my phone.

(SIREN WAILING)

I should have never
listened to you, Peter.

If I had my g*n,
I would have gotten out of this.

I was only trying to help.

You want to help?

Take this Paiute hand
and put it in a safe place.

Oh, okay, yeah, I can...
Oh, wait a minute.

And I reckon you're pretty
happy with yourself,

getting your father arrested like this.

I reckon you have
no right to reckon about

what I'm reckoning about.

That's where you're wrong.

I reckon I can reckon about
what I reckon please.

I reckon you should check yourself

before you reckon yourself.

I reckon you know I always
come in like a reckon ball.

That Miley?

I reckon it is.

I don't agree with
all the piercings and haircuts,

but she's got one hell of a voice.

A hell of a voice.

Joe, you can't arrest him.

He sh*t the mayor, Peter.

Plus, he's got multiple
warrants in multiple states.

Yeah, I know, he really
messed up. Like David Geffen.

What the hell was that?

Yeah, David Geffen paid us $ million

not to do the cutaway.

Huh. Was it bad?

I'm not allowed to say
as part of the settlement.

All I will say is from film,
to music, to politics,

no one has been more influential
than David Geffen.

What's the matter, Peter?

Ah, I don't know, I just feel bad

about what happened with Old West.

It's my fault he got arrested.

He's probably gonna die in jail

without ever making up with his son.

Well, I know how painful it is

to see a man you've known
for hours in distress,

but you've got to let it go, Peter.

I can't do that.
Old West and I were partners,

and he taught me that when
you work a job with someone,

you never leave a man behind.

We got to form a posse
and break him out.

- I'm in.
- Let's do this.

Yeah.

ANNOUNCER: Next up
for Clam Karaoke Night:

it's the "Glam Guys."

All right, let's go rock Wilson Phillips

and then do the posse thing.

Where's your horse?

It's very hard to get
a horse last-minute.

You should have called last night.

I did. You all got the last horses.

The guy was totally
overwhelmed on the phone.

He yelled at me.

All right, Peter, what's the plan?

I thought you guys
were gonna have the plan.

I formed the posse.

Yeah, those usually go together.

All right, let's brainstorm.

How do we fool the police

into breaking someone
out of a jail cell?

Trojan Bosch.

Oh, no way, Harry Bosch.
My favorite TV cop.

I have so many questions for you.

How's L. A.? You ever
meet Richard Dean Anderson?

He lives in L. A., right?
Where does he live?

Um, hey, settle a bet for me, Bosch.

In all those scenes where
you're in Italian restaurants,

is it true you're eating real spaghetti?

- PETER: Shut up.
- I knew it was real spaghetti.

All right, I'm gonna go
get us some coffees.

You mind holding down
the fort for a sec?

Thanks, Bosch.

Real spaghetti. Wow.

PETER: He's gone. Everybody
out the black jeans door.

Straight flush. You got to strip.

PETER: What about tonight?

What?

Oh, did you say, "I'm never
gonna get out of here?"

No, I was telling my horse to get naked.

Oh. Oh, well-well,
we're breaking you out tonight.

I'm surprised you came back for me.

You taught me to never
leave another man behind.

I didn't think you'd remember.

I associate you with g*ns,
g*ns make me think of w*r,

Vietnam was a w*r,

and N.A.M. is "Never Abandon Man."

I-I don't need to hear the process.

Allen, you came.

Of course I did.

And I think margs are gonna be on you

after this adventure, huh?

I don't drink that (BLEEP).

Okay, we'll figure something out.

Everyone wanted to help.

We even got a member of
your original posse to show up.

The Melanoma Kid.

(THROUGH ELECTROLARYNX):
I wouldn't miss it...

(GASPS)

...for the world.

That's a guy?

I thought it was a big autumn leaf.

Sorry, Bosch, we ran out of milk,

so I put in a dollop of cream cheese.

Had to stir a lot, so...

Tell me about your hooker mom.

What was that like?

What the hell happened in here, Bosch?

Wait a minute. Frozen expression,

painted-on clothes, open ass door.

We've been Trojan Bosched again.

♪ ♪

Looks like Daddy West
is flying the coop again.

You keep eating apples like that, Caleb,

you're gonna get diarrhea.

I think we lost them.

Pretty sure my Chapstick fell out.

- Almost certain of it.
- (g*n COCKS)

I'm gonna need you boys
to turn right back around.

Mayor West, we broke him out for you.

Can't you see he wants
to make things right?

There's only one person
he's ever cared about,

and it's himself.

He's done walking out of towns
consequence-free.

I knew once I broke out
that I'd see you again.

Maybe I do deserve

to spend my remaining days
in a jail cell.

And I'll let you take me,

but not until I say what I have to say.

Say it, then. Why'd you leave us?

Because if I stayed,

you would have grown up
to be just like your father,

a lonely, loveless, no-good outlaw.

I wanted you to be a better man
than I ever could be.

And look at you now.
Tell me it didn't work.

("WRECKING BALL" BY MILEY CYRUS PLAYING)

♪ I came in like a wrecking ball... ♪

Aw, hell, Daddy.

Happy Father's Day.

I never want to see you again.

You never will.

Where you gonna go now?

I have another son in Utah

who wants to sh**t me
on the Fourth of July.

I'll probably head that way. So long.

Goodbye, Old West.

(HORSE WHINNIES)

♪ ♪

Well, I spy a group of guys

that could use a frosty mug
of root beer at the A&W.

You know, Mayor West,
you're pretty lucky

to have a stepdad like Allen.

Yeah. Aside from
not believing in vaccines,

- he's a pretty cool guy.
- Oh.

I sure am gonna miss Old West.

He taught me a lot about friendship

and what it means to be a dad.

Like what? What did he teach you?

I-I don't know. Cowboy stuff?

I didn't realize
there was gonna be a quiz.

Well, it's probably time
to hang this up, huh, Dad?

Yep, I suppose so.

LOIS: "The David Geffen Living Room?"

What... What is this?

Oh, the lawyers said
since he gave us $ million,

he's contractually entitled

to have his name on a part of the house.

That doesn't seem fair.

I know, such rich guy bull crap.

But we'll have
to continue this conversation

on next week's episode
of David Geffen's Family Guy.

- What?
- David Geffen good night.