[SINGING]
My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustache face This is The Cleveland Show [CHUCKLES]
[COFFEE MACHINE BEEPS]
Anyone seen the coffee pot?
[WHIRRING]
Ah! Junior, enough.
Your stepmother just washed the floor.
Hey, Daddy.
I built this costume to surprise you.
You created a powered suit of armor with a built
-in weapons system and a shoulder
-mounted Gatling g*n out of pots and pans?
[CHUCKLES]
Yeah.
Hmm.
[STEAM HISSES]
Ah.
Whew.
I've been making my special blend of coffee for Donna since the day we were married.
What on Earth?
Cleveland Brown Jr.
Present.
And stupid.
Relax, Donna.
Enjoy.
Mm.
Oh, Cleveland, I love you and your fine dark beans.
Me too.
Wait, are you talking about his?
Oh, gross.
I'm out of here.
[CRASHING]
Morning, Terry.
Here's that hat I borrowed from you back in eighth grade.
"Ayatollah Buttahola.
" Heh
-heh
-heh.
That's still funny.
Ha
-ha.
You're right.
Can I borrow it?
- Sure.
- Ha
-ha.
I'm gonna go put it back in its case.
Hey, everybody.
Good news.
The hat's back.
Roberta, what are you doing?
Dumping out your terrible coffee and making a new pot like Mom makes me do every morning.
Ah! That can't be true.
She loves my coffee.
You're a liar, Roberta.
A trashy dresser and a liar.
And you're an idiot.
Mom just doesn't want to hurt your feelings by telling you your coffee sucks.
[SOBBING]
I can't believe I trusted her.
Oh, fainting couch already paying for itself.
Hmm.
Comfortable.
[SNORING]
So, what do you say during nap time I crawl on your mat when Mrs.
Lowenstein isn't looking?
We could kiss each other on the mm, lips.
Eww! What the?
What'd I say?
Bernard, Theodore.
You all see that?
She crazy.
What you expect?
You just ate a booger in front of her.
That ain't cool.
Why not?
Boogers are fun, free and delicious.
Besides, that guy's doing it and he looks pretty cool.
Ah.
Chow fun.
Yeah, well, girls don't think it's cool.
They think it's gross.
And if you don't quit eating them boogers, you ain't gonna score no more.
Ain't gonna "score no more"?
[SWALLOWS]
That was the booger.
I swallowed it.
Roberta, would you pass the water?
There will be no passing water at the table tonight.
I've made you something else to drink, Donna.
A cup of my special, much
-Ioved coffee for my special, much
-Ioved wife.
Cleveland, you'd have no way of knowing this, but I I drank a pot of coffee before dinner.
Aah! That was supposed to shatter.
Imagine that it shattered.
All right, I'm imagining it.
[GRUNTING]
D Donna, drink my coffee which you love.
As you wish.
[GRUNTS THEN GAGS]
[GROANING]
She doesn't care for the coffee.
[GROANING]
I can't do it.
Aha.
I knew it.
You hate my coffee.
You lied to me.
You're a liar.
Junior, imagine her pants on fire.
[GRUNTING]
[GASPS]
Oh.
I can't do anything right.
No.
You did good on the pitcher.
Look what you and your lies are doing to this family.
What else are you hiding, Donna?
If that's even your name.
Cleveland, please.
You're acting more paranoid than a roach checking into a roach motel.
- You're saying the mini
-bar is free?
- That's right.
- And international calls are?
- Complimentary.
Mm
-hm, mm
-hm.
I see that your logo says, "Roaches check in, but they don't check out.
" Because they love it.
Okay.
Oh, son of a bitch.
Let's see what we got.
Oh, yeah.
I feel you hiding up in there against that cartilage.
Rallo, what are you doing?
I have a booger
-eating habit.
Rallo, would you believe me if I told you I once had a booger
-eating habit?
I'd be more shocked if you didn't.
Well, I quit and started working on myself.
And since that day, I've lost 85 pounds.
The first 60 was booger weight, but still.
Dang, how'd you do it?
I can show you, but there's no turning back.
I'm gonna take you to dark places that you never knew existed.
Are you up for that?
- I think so.
- Are you up for that?
Yes, sir.
I'm just gonna eat this last one.
The hell you will.
You in my world now.
Oh, hey, Donna.
Remember when I called you at work on Tuesday and I asked how your day was, and you said it was fine?
Then that night at dinner, I asked you about your day and you said it was okay?
Which was it?
Goodnight, Cleveland.
Is it a good night?
Or will I find out tomorrow that it wasn't a good night and that you had Roberta throw it out and make you a whole new night?
Oh, would you please get over this stupid coffee thing?
I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Are you?
Or is the couch gonna sleep on you?
Are you having an affair with the couch?
Is the couch a better lover than me?
What else are you hiding from me?
All right, fine.
You wanna know what else I'm hiding?
Robert and I never finalized our divorce, so you and I are not legally married.
Oh! Is that true?
Yes.
Uhn.
If I knew where my wedding ring was, I'd take it off in disgust.
But since I don't, I'll just take off my socks.
These mean nothing.
My whole marriage has been a sham.
Donna claims she just found out that Robert didn't sign the divorce papers but after Coffee
-gate, I don't know what to believe.
So Donna's single?
What?
No.
I'm single.
Donna's still married to Robert.
Damn it.
I mean, for you.
Wait a minute.
If I'm single, that means I can go out and party.
There's this new club called Into The Wild.
Heard it's sick.
You can get a 20
-dollar bottle of vodka brought to your table for like 800 bucks.
Boys, tonight we are gonna get out there and have some rowdy, just
-short
-of
-cheating
-on
-Donna fun.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, buddy.
I'm on a boat.
Loaf of bread, container milk, stick of butter.
Loaf of bread, container milk, stick of butter.
Loaf of bread, container milk, stick of butter.
- A secret stash.
I knew it.
- Ah! Look at yourself.
I am not giving up on you.
- There's gotta be one here somewhere.
- This is your bottom, Rallo.
You're quitting.
[YELLING]
Love gonna set you free, my brother.
Love gonna set you free.
[SOBBING]
Junior, give me a moment.
I just wanna say goodbye.
[SINGING]
My love The nuggets of my life I pick you and it picks me up My crusty, salty wife How I love your sweet goo To roll you around and eat you You gave this man the best few years Of his young life It's not love And it's not lust I want to eat your moist parts And your crust But, baby, baby, baby I gotta flick you goodbye Oh, you gotta flick me goodbye Wait a minute Not so fast You can't smear me under the table With the past I hold your life together I'm the paste Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh Put me in your mouth Enjoy my moist, forbidden taste Lift your finger up and dig What your nose hair's wearing as a wig
- It's not love
- No, it's not
- And it's not lust
- Oh, you know it I want to eat your moist parts And your crust
- I wanna be inside you
- But, baby, baby, baby
- I gotta flick you
- Yeah, you gotta flick me
- Yeah, I gotta flick you
- Oh, oh
- Goodbye
- Goodbye But I'm your booger, sugar.
Oh, gross, man.
[WHIMPERING]
[GAGGING]
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING INSIDE]
I love this place.
Cheap drinks, loud music dance floor packed with nothing but happy, well
-groomed guys bowls and bowls of condoms, a pinball machine.
Wait a minute.
Fat chicks?
[GASPS]
This is a gay bar.
What?
No way.
Gay bars are gay?
Now, now.
There's nothing wrong with gay people.
And there's also nothing wrong with getting the hell out of here.
Do you mind if I dance with your date?
Men are jerks.
[SIGHS]
Junior's worked too hard for me.
Not gonna let him down.
Not gonna let myself down.
Huh.
[BOTH SCREAM]
Aah! Junior, how long have you been in here?
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING INSIDE]
I had no idea how fun life is when guys are buying all your drinks.
No wonder women are always so happy and easygoing.
I know.
You wouldn't think these fellas would share my political views but they sure lit up when I told them I'm a hardcore tea bagger.
b*at up the b*at.
Fist pumping like a champ.
Well, y'all, it's been fabulous and thanks for the Palmtinis but I need to get home to my lady.
Mm.
And what a lucky lady she is.
Goodbye, Cleveland.
[MAN MOANING]
Pardon me, fellas.
Hot soup coming through.
Ha
-ha
-ha.
Look at those two Seacresting out.
A few hours ago, that would've shocked me.
But now, nothing can surprise Terry Kimple?
Oh, Terry.
Oh, Terry, Terry, Terry.
Oh, Terry, Terry, Terry.
Oh, Terry, Terry, Terry.
Oh, Terry, Terry, Terry.
Terry, are you a h*m*?
I don't know.
Been with a lot of hot women.
- Yay.
- Been with a few hot dudes too.
Boo.
And then, I met Paul here.
Ever since then, it's been Terr and the Bear.
[GROWLS THEN CHUCKLES]
So, am I gay?
Hell, I don't know.
He's gay.
You know, I don't want to judge Terry but the Bible says that all gay people are going to hell.
It also says that animals don't have souls, so I don't know what I'm talking about.
I don't know why you're acting so uptight about this, Cleveland.
Twenty minutes ago, you were dancing lip
-synching to the Pet Shop Boys and having the time of your life.
- Maybe I was on Ecstasy.
You know what bugs me about this whole thing?
Neither of you seems gay.
Gays should make their gayness obvious to everyone like Paul Lynde or Adam Lambert, or every conservative politician ever.
Would it make you feel better if I told you I was a receptionist at a hair salon?
- Yes, it would.
- Well, I'm not.
- I'm a building contractor.
- Dang.
- Yup, we build discos and public baths.
- There you go.
I'm kidding, Cleveland.
We built the new football stadium.
Oh, I peed in there.
Look, Cleveland, I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner.
But now that things are out in the open, we can double
-date.
You and Donna should come over for dinner.
We would, but Donna's getting fat, so we're trying to stay away from food.
[PLAYING "SHE'LL BE COMING AROUND THE MOUNTAIN"]
Donna.
You're not gonna believe this.
And apparently, I'm not gonna learn this song either.
Terry Kimple's gay.
And Mary had a little lamb.
These are things we know.
[PLAYING "MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB"]
We do?
How did you know Terry was gay?
You know Chad who cuts my hair?
Oh, that gay guy who probably likes sodomy?
He and Terry lived together before you moved back to town.
I figured you knew.
But, Donna, Terry's always gotten lots of girls.
I mean, back in the day, he was the Rock Hudson of Stoolbend High Oh Ha
-ha.
Come on, Cleveland.
Who cares if he's gay?
I care.
Which is why I told them that you and I have no interest in eating dinner at Paul's house.
Cleveland, don't lump me in with your close
-mindedness.
- You're acting like a h*m*
- Oh.
Don't you call me that.
Let me finish .
phobe.
A h*m*.
Oh.
That's ridiculous.
My best friend Terry is gay.
Get back here, you little snot
-sucking dwarf.
Look who's talking, you hungry, hungry hypocrite.
What are you two scrapping about?
- He told me not to eat boogers.
- I was trying to help him.
- But then I saw him eating.
- Can't a man relax?
Hey.
No argument.
Okay, you listen to me.
You want to pick your nose?
Fine, that's great.
Just do it in your room behind closed doors.
I don't wanna hear about it.
And I don't wanna see it.
What you do in your bedroom with your body is your bus Oh, all right, I guess we're going to dinner.
And I guess we are too.
Yay! Dinner is served.
Grilled cheese and spaghetti.
Wow, you guys aren't like the gays on TV.
Where are your Bette Midler posters?
Beth who?
Bette Midler.
She's wonderful.
Google her.
Dumb gays.
So I hear you guys are getting remarried.
Or never were married, or something.
Well, one of us was not officially divorced.
Not important who.
Man, you breeders are so lucky.
We'd love to get married.
And you can if we bring gay marriage to Virginia.
You think we could?
Why not?
Terry, we're gonna bring gay marriage to Virginia.
Let's do it.
[PEOPLE YELLING]
Did they go for it?
No.
And this is just wrong, Cleveland.
Terry and Paul's love is just as valid as ours.
Well, uh If you guys wanna get married, let's all go get married.
Let's have a double wedding in Vermont.
Donna, shut the hell up.
What do you say, Paul?
I say, "Ask me to marry you, you son of a bitch.
" No.
Ask me.
You ask me, you bastard.
All right, fine.
Terry Kimple, will you marry me?
Yes.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
How far do you think they're gonna go?
[GRUNTING]
These pants don't fit.
They're a 44.
They fit.
Just give me my sweatpants.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Paul, what's wrong?
It's Terry.
I can't find him.
I think he got cold feet.
Is that a gay thing?
Tying up your ankles, cutting off the circulation?
What?
No.
He left me a note.
I don't understand it.
Well, if it makes you feel any better, you're not the first lady Man Human Terry's pumped and dumped.
That's not the Terry I know, Cleveland.
He's the most thoughtful man I've ever met.
Heck, on my birthday, he turned my living room into a live butterfly garden.
Just because I once said I liked butterflies.
Wow, well, good luck, Paul.
I have a wedding to get to.
Cleveland, you know what you have to do.
Fine, I'll marry Paul.
Marry Terry?
Go find Terry.
So you're marrying that guy for the second time?
I have children.
Lassie.
Lassie.
Wait, what am I doing?
I've wasted four hours.
Terry.
TERRY: Over here.
What are you doing out here skinny
-dipping when you're supposed to be Is that a tire swing?
- Uh
-huh.
- Whee! So I guess the gay experiment's over, huh?
My life is not an experiment, you intolerant ass.
Well, that's a little sharp.
If you're so sure of yourself, why are you here instead of at the wedding chapel?
Because marriage is scary.
Terry, I've known you for 35 years and you never even bought a chick a cheeseburger.
So?
You built Paul a butterfly garden.
Oh, man.
He told you that?
That's embarrassing.
Terry, this whole thing's embarrassing.
But, I'm your best friend and I want you to be happy.
And I think you found your soul mate in Paul.
And, Terry, when you find your soul mate, you should marry him.
Cleveland, thanks, buddy.
I've come a long way.
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
I love you.
I love you.
Cleveland, what you did today was a good thing.
I'm so proud of you.
Thank you, Donna.
But enlightenment is its own reward.
- You may now kiss your husband.
- Ah!