02x09 - November 4, 1999

[bunniefuu]

Good evening everybody, and welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?

" On tonight's show: Lean and tender.

Brad Sherwood! Nicely trimmed.

Wayne Brady! Well-marbled.

Colin Mochrie! And the bits that go to make a hot dog.

Ryan Stiles! And I'm your host, Drew Carey, come on down, let's have some fun.

Hello.

And welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?

", the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter.

The points here are kind of like Canada.

Colin, I'm kidding around, buddy, I'm just joking around, Colin, it was just a joke.

Very sorry.

I love Canada, it's the greatest place in the whole wide world.

If you never saw the show before -- you'll probably never see it again in Canada -- what happens is, these four talented people, including the one extra-talented one from Canada, are going to come up here, and they're going to improvise scenes for you based on suggestions from the audience and what's written on these cards, they've never seen what's on these cards before.

They're going to make up everything off the top of their head, it's really fun.

And then we give them points, but the points don't matter at all, it's just a gag to tie the show together.

And then we pick a winner at the end of the show, and at the end of the show the winner gets to do a little something special, and the losers have to take pictures.

So let's start out with the first game, it's called Song Titles.

This is for all four of you, Song Titles.

- Brad and Wayne, you're going to start the scene.

- Yes.

This is kind of like the question game, except instead of questions, they can only speak in song titles.

If you can't think of a song title or if I think the one you made up is bull, I'm going to buzz you out and the other person's going to take your place.

And then I'll give the points to whoever's the cleverest boy in the room.

Your scene is, using song titles only, you are at an airport.

Song titles only.

I'm leaving on a jet plane.

Hello?

Is it you I'm looking for?

I'm mean Mr.

Mustard.

I am the walrus.

That's a lyric, not the title, sorry.

Angie.

Lady Madonna.

Take me to the pilot.

Who are you?

Bang bang Maxwell's silver hammer.

Walk this way.

Hair.

Time is on my side.

Love is a many-splendored thing.

What's love got to do with it?

I don't know.

Mama said knock you out.

Mama told me not to come.

Mama played banjo.

Papa's got a brand-new bag.

Funky town.

You dropped the b*mb on me.

Baby you can drive my car.

Word up.

What's that supposed to mean?

Saturday night fever?

Boogie-woogie flu.

Johnny, be good.

Yes! Get out! Shaft.

Yes.

There's a group called Yes, not a song.

You wanna dance?

Do you know the way to San Jose?

Route 66.

Oklahoma.

Theme from "Titanic.

" Well, ten points apiece.

Who's crying now?

Theme from "Titanic," that was really funny.

Now we're going to play a game called Gangster Rap.

This is Gangster Rap, this is for Wayne and Brad with the help of Laura Hall and Linda Taylor on guitar.

Now, Wayne and Brad are going to be two gangster rappers.

Now what I need from the audience is a suggestion of something you wanted to be when you grew up.

What?

A belly dancer?

Astronaut.

Astronaut's good.

So let's see the gangster rap about an astronaut.

Oh yeah yeah yeah, word word.

Coming straight to you from NASA.

What's up, Houston?

Houston in the house.

Uh uh, what what Now-now-now shuttles are blown off, I think you gotta solve them Because you realize "Houston, I've got a problem" So what do you do, and so what do you say Because I realize I have to blast off this way I'm gonna blast off right in your face - Then I'm gonna take your butt to outer - Space If you do not like it then I do not care - 'Cause I am breathing bottled - Air Because you see, and I know it's a beaut I strap myself in into my big suit And then as fast as you can see, as fast as you can talk Because I stepped outside the shuttle and I took a walk We're gonna do it, and we'll do it real soon - And if you do not like it from here to the - Moon We're gonna go weightless and we do not care Because I told you once, I'm breathing bottled air Because the astronaut, the astronaut's hot The astronaut, the astronaut's hot The astronaut, the astronaut's hot And I got a shuttle, hey, what you got?

Got to work two jobs to pay my rent.

My mom's going to be proud of that one.

That's right.

Well hey, thousand points to your mom, what the hell.

Points to your mother.

Now let's do a game called Scenes From a Hat.

This is a really fun game.

Now what we do is before the show, we ask our audience members to fill out different suggestions of scenes they'd like to see.

And we pick the best ones and we put them in a hat.

And now we're going to ask you guys to come up with as many ideas as you can based on these suggestions.

Let's start out with "Bad choices for pets.

" Here, velociraptor! Where's my little tapeworm?

Okay, "Strange things to find in your bed.

" Colin?

Teach me how to sing like you! What's his problem?

I don't know.

Okay.

"Dangerous things to do while you are naked.

" Honey, bring out the steaks, I'm going to light the barbecue.

Five minutes, Mr.

President.

Okay, "Baby names that will one day get your child's ass kicked.

" Oh, is Kick My Ass hungry?

Come here, Colin.

Okay.

"Little-known facts about our host, Drew Carey.

" No, go ahead.

Go ahead.

What kind of a middle name is Allison?

"Things you wish you hadn't said to the president.

" Sure, I'll be your intern.

Cigarette?

Cigar?

I do.

Hey! Don't go away, we'll be right back with more "Whose Line is it Anyway?

" right after this.

Hey, welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?

" Thanks for spending your time with us.

Hey, to recap the scores, people keeping track at home, Brad: who knows, Wayne: who cares, Colin: I forgot, Ryan: minus 73.

Minus 73.

Some people, the points do matter.

Now let's go on to a game called Weird Newscasters.

This is for all four of you, Weird Newscasters.

Brad, you're the anchorman of a news show, and Colin, Wayne, and Ryan are going to help you out.

Colin, you're the co-anchor.

You have chosen just this moment to become a nudist.

On sports is Wayne, you're a Latin pop heartthrob.

-Yeah?

-I think you know Ryan, you're the weatherman, and you're a Mafia boss who realizes the camera is an assassin.

I'm sorry?

-You're a Mafia boss who realizes his camera -Oh, I heard you.

So Brad, whenever you hear the music, go ahead and start.

Good evening, and welcome to the 4:17 news.

I'm Chester Steakknife.

Today, monkeys broke out of the National Zoo and k*lled everyone in the nation.

For further stories on this, please welcome Carl Turkeybaster.

Carl?

I would just I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen, I can't go through this pretense.

Too often are people shackled by the conventions of clothes.

Nudity is where it's at, people.

Feel free.

You may want to pull back the camera.

Remember, whether you're from there or from there all across this great nation be nude.

The 4:17 nudes! That's what we're going to be called from now on, ladies and gentlemen! Careful.

Thanks, Chester.

And speaking of sports, well, it was hot as anything, wasn't it?

Let's find out from Carlos Burritogrande.

Bien.

Well, I'll tell you all about the sports today.

I'm living la vida soccer.

Those ladies, they won, and afterwards, they get me.

Oh, too much sport is making me caliente.

Maybe the whole team would like to come back to my et! !railer.

Back to you.

I'm too busy enjoying myself.