02x26 - March 2, 2000

[bunniefuu]

Good evening.

Welcome to "whose line is it anyway?

" On tonight's show -- sent to earth from planet krypton -- brad sherwood.

Faster than a speeding b*llet -- wayne brady.

Lives in the fortress of solitude -- colin mochrie.

And gets undressed in phone booths -- ryan stiles.

And I'm your host drew carey.

Come on down.

Let's have some fun.

Hello.

Hello.

Good evening.

Hello, everybody.

Welcome to "whose line is it anyway?

", The show where everything's made up and the points don't matter -- like the price tags at a 99-cent store.

My favorite thing to do is buy stuff at the 98-cent store, then take it back to the 99-cent store.

I make a penny every time.

If you haven't seen the show before, these guys are going to come out.

They're going to make everything up.

Every game we give points.

I don't know why.

The points don't mean a thing.

Then we pick a winner, and the winner gets to do something special.

I wish I could tell you what it is.

I can tell you it involves a donkey and an 8-millimeter camera.

So with that, let's get the show started.

That's why I'm the host and I'm not playing the games.

Let's get on with the show.

This is for all four of you -- "let's make a date.

" Wayne is a contestant on a dating-type show.

Ryan, colin, and brad are hoping to be picked.

We put different things they have to be on these cards.

They've never seen the cards before.

Wayne, you have to try to guess who they are.

When you're ready, off you go.

Bachelor number one, see, men that I like, they love the outdoors, I haven't been indoors in about 3 1/2 years.

What do you say you get in my volkswagen bus and we go to zuma right now?

'Cause the curls are breaking at 9 feet! That's what I'm saying, bachelor one.

The bigger the curls, the better -- hey! Bachelor number two yes.

Tell me something.

Do you think that greco-roman wrestling is appropriate on the first date or no?

[ British accent ]

Hmm.

Well -- [ coughs ]

That's a very interesting question.

You see, as a professional you see, as a [ imitates electric razor ]

Yes.

Bachelor number three, hello.

I love live theater.

I love the way the performers dance about around the stage.

What do you like to perform?

I want to perform for you.

I want to start off by saying how much I love you and what kind of -- I find it hard to speak just being around you.

I'll do whatever you want to do.

Don't say nothing, 'cause I know nothing just means nothing -- whatever you want to do.

Just clean up the dishes.

That would be the simple thing.

Can I have the remote?

Can I use the remote sometimes?

I will get back to you.

Yeah, get back to me.

Just get back to me.

Yeah.

Bachelor number one daddy-o, what's going on?

I love rap music.

Why don't you give me a sample of your own b*at poetry?

You got it.

I'll take you to the clambake, and we will shake, shake, shake, and shimmy like annette -- huh?

Know what I mean?

Get a load of the forehead beard on this dude.

Ryan: whoo.

Cowabunga, bachelor one, cowabunga.

Party on.

Bachelor number two yes.

I love -- clear! Oh, I was never very good.

Bachelor number two, you freaky.

Bachelor number three, what do you enjoy doing on a saturday night if it were just you, myself, and a candle?

You know what?

If you trusted me, you wouldn't be asking me all these questions, okay?

Things may be -- you know what?

It's just not working out between us.

Maybe we should see other people.

I've met someone else.

[ Buzzer ]

That's all the time you have.

That's two rounds.

Try to guess who they are.

Bachelor number one was, uh, from a '50s surf movie.

Uh annette '60s.

Funicello.

'60S beach movie, yeah.

Bachelor number two, I couldn't possibly date you because you are a mad scientist that turns into a werewolf.

What's the most famous one?

No, not a werewolf.

[ Coughs ]

Dr.

Jekyll.

[ Stuttering ]

Oh -- oh, he was lon chaney.

Dr.

Jekyll and mr.

Hyde.

Oh, that's right.

Uh, and ryan is who?

Ryan has just shown me the full cycle of -- of dating.

M-- what are you?

Matrimony, marriage.

That's right.

Ryan and colin and wayne -- you married guys, I'm going to give you each 10,000 points and a free pass to a strip club.

Brad: what about the bachelor?

Keep the car running.

That's right.

Let's go on to a game called "scene to rap.

" This is for everybody 'cause we all love to rap.

Wayne and brad, you're going to make up a scene to be joined later by ryan and colin.

They're going to be rapping with the help of "mix master" laura hall and "jazzy jay" linda taylor.

When I think of rap music, I think of everybody but the people in front of me.

What I need from the audience is the name of a real disaster movie.

[ Audience shouting ]

Wait -- "towering inferno.

" [ Audience shouting ]

"Towering inferno"! [ Audience shouting ]

[ Buzzer ]

"Towering inferno.

" The scene is "towering inferno.

" You're going to be rapping through the whole thing.

[ Rap b*at playing ]

What is that?

I think I smell smoke and this time I'm not kidding -- it's no joke we better get out of here 'cause I smell smoke and I do fear that we are going to die in a fire come on, baby, believe me, I ain't no liar listen to me -- I got soul if there's something -- stop, drop, roll that is what I learned in school fire won't burn me, I'm no fool I got something scarier and more o.

J.

Simpson's on the 32nd floor [ both screaming ]

Come on, you dummies, you got to run but soon you'll be burnt and you'll be done don't have to stand here, don't have to die this building's only three stories high you're the first guy that I've seen are you fred astaire or steve mcqueen?

We look alike.

You got to help -- you go to help me get on down come on, everybody, don't just stand there you're going to lose your wits don't stand there, run away we're all going to end up like bacon bits come on, come on -- go, go don't get wiggy, don't be slow come with me, let's get jiggy I'm getting kind of scared, it's one of those nights I think I'm afraid of heights aah! I don't want to hear yes, don't want to hear nos get on down, just grab my hose climb, get down, get down, get down that old building down, get down get down?

I'm so bad! [ Buzzer ]

Thank you very much.

I'm going to take -- I'm going to take 5 million points, I'm going to send them to canada to teach people how to rap.

Kind of reaching-across- the-border type of thing.

I'm jiggy with it.

Yeah, you are.

Let's go on to a game called "props.

" This is for everybody.

I want to give you your props.

Ryan and brad, this is your prop, and, colin and wayne, this is your prop.

They have to come up with as many ideas for these props as they can going back and forth, starting with ryan and brad.

You want to buy a clear white christmas tree?

[ Buzzer ]

I hate being a teenager.

[ Buzzer ]

I'm sure we can get out of this parking lot -- no problem.

No, don't back up! [ Buzzer ]

[ Ape noises ]

[ Australian accent ]

It's the rare baboon.

[ Buzzer ]

Is it gone now?

It's gone now.

[ Buzzer ]

Hey, geppetto, that's a fine boy.

[ Buzzer ]

These cutbacks here at nasa are k*lling us.

[ Buzzer ]

Oh, it's cold.

[ Buzzer ]

[ Growling ]

[ Buzzer ]

Perhaps you've heard of me -- the nozzle.

[ Buzzer ]

I was peeing in the blizzard.

[ Buzzer ]

[ Buzzer ]

Hey, thank you very much.

Don't go away.

We'll be back with more "whose line is it anyway?

" )% Line is it anyway?

", Hey, welcome back to "who where everything's made up and the points don't matter.

During the break we were talking about -- I've never done anything rude with an apple pie, although I've dunked a few doughnuts.

Ha ha ha ha.

Now let's go on to a game called "moving people" for colin and ryan.

I know who I'm going to pick.

They're over here on the other side, so -- you and you, right there.

What's your name?

Yeah.

Frankie.

Frankie.

What's your name?

Adriana.

Come on up here, frankie and adriana.

Frankie, adriana, nice to meet you.

Go up and pick out colin and ryan.

One pick one, one pick the other.

Nice to meet you.

Frankie and adriana.

Okay, this is the game called "moving people.

" They cannot move unless you move them, so put them in any kind of position you want.

Remember, we're on abc, a disney-owned station.

It's a family hour show.

Yeah, okay, sure.

We'll start out like that.

They can't move.

Now, the scene is -- ryan is superman, and he's about to rescue colin, who is lois lane, from the cliff where she is hanging.

So they can't move unless you move them.

Off you go.

Hurry, superman.

Luckily, my pantyhose snagged on the branch above.

Quiet, lois! I'm trying to get that little teapot thing down.

I'm going to take off and fly.

You heard me, fly -- off the ground! I'm going to fly now.

Here I go.

Oh, hi.

You're right there.

Yes.

This is hard air I'm walking on.

I'm coming.

I am going to walk towards the end of the cliff.

Ah, is the sun out of your eyes now?

Yes.

Oh, I've got your big hand.

Grab on to me.

I'm grabbing on.

The hand won't do.

There.

Oh, lois.

Oh, superman.

Lois, I'm no man for you.

What do you mean?

Everything about me is wrong.

I'm faster than a speeding b*llet, I -- oh, no, no, superman.

Lois, I can see right -- why won't you look at me?

I can't.

I'm just so filled with -- well, I can't look at you then.

Yes, I can.

You're not using your x-ray vision, are you?

Oh, lois, I see right through you.

I know what you're up to.

What do you mean?

Aah! [ Buzzer ]

Thank you.

Thank you, adriana.

Thank you, frankie and adriana.

That was great.

Man, they were moving you a lot, those guys.

Another fun game to play at home -- "moving people.

" Play it with your drunken uncle.

Let's move along with a game called "greatest hits.

" This is for all four of you, with laura hall on piano and linda taylor on guitar.

Now, colin and ryan are spokesmen talking about the latest compilation album they're trying to sell, and wayne and brad are going to sing the songs that ryan and colin make up for them.

And what we need from the audience is a suggestion for a major sport.

Football.

So it's going to be football.

So, the name of the album is "songs of football.

" Hi, I'm neil patrick harris.

Many of you know me from my days on "doogie howser," but I'm here today with a great bargain for you.

Football and music, music and football.

No matter what order you put it in, it makes no sense.

But we've come up with over 13,000 songs based on football.

Barbra streisand, the beatles, rolling stones -- these are just some of the artists whose relatives perform on this cd.

Some of these songs have been around for decades.

Why, I remember back in the '70s while I was having a sh**t, I was listening to this number-one disco hit -- "who's that tight end?

" [ Disco music playing ]

Ooh, ooh ooh, ooh ooh, ooh ooh, ooh ooh, ooh ooh ooh, ooh you're the kind of man that I like bend over, give me the ball and let me hike I'm the quarterback I'll be your friend you must be a new trade who's that tight end?

Tight end tight end it's the tight end dance tight end shake your tight end pants do the tight end do the tight end dance tight end it's time to make romance do the tight end woo-hoo! You know, colin, these songs aren't just loved here in america, they're loved all over the world.

Colin, what comes to your mind when I say the word "kremlin"?

Jack sprat.

Who grew up in russia, and russia has its own version of a lot of these songs.

Really?

Who could ever forget that number-one russian ballad "dallas -- 7, green bay -- 10"?

[ Russian music playing ]

[ Audience clapping ]

Because I'm betting money how soon I will be dead if I lose my money dallas -- a 10-point spread I think I've lost my money once and once again because of course dallas won 'cause green bay only scored 10 they only scored the 10 and dallas won so now I see that I because I lose my money oh, I think I will die -- hey I can't believe he couldn't make the pass seems like brett favre had his thumbs in his ashtray what are you doing, the men from dallas?

Why don't you punt and run so that you have some ballast?

I bet $1,000 on you, they will take my thumbs I am so afraid of losing, I am going to go numb hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Don't tell me there weren't any effects from chernobyl.

You know you know, if you order now, we'll send you free one of ryan stiles' shoes, which comfortably seats four.

You know one of my favorite groups of all times has to be the red hot chili peppers, and they're great football fans, as witnessed by this great song -- "I said punt.

" [ Funk metal playing ]

What you want when you play football is to get it down the field get it down the field, get it down the field get it down the field throw the ball throw the ball and run throw the ball, throw the ball and run oops! It's fourth and 20, son oops, you -- I mean punt that's right, it's done I just said punt you dirty little runt yes, I said punt throw the ball, throw the ball, throw the ball now throw the ball, throw the ball, throw the ball now throw the ball, throw the ball throw the ball now now, throw the ball when we come back, we'll find out who the winner is.

Hey, welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?

" Tonight's winner is brad sherwood.

I don't know how.

The game was fixed, I guess.

For gags like that, brad sherwood's the winner.

The rest of us are going to play a game for you called "questions only," starting with colin and wayne.

You're only allowed to ask questions.

What's the scene, brad?

You are in an office where rumors are circulating.

[ Imitates water cooler bubbling ]

Have you heard?

You mean about timmy and john?

Is it true?

Could you believe it?

Have you seen the way they dress?

Have you seen the pictures?

You mean there are pictures?

You've xeroxed them?

Wouldn't you?

How much for the donkey?

How much are you willing to pay?

[ Buzzer ]

Hey, have you heard people talking about me?

Have you and timmy beenwhoo-hoo?

Do I look like a donkey lover to you?

Is this you in this picture?

Is that a fake?

Are you going to cry?

Will you hold me if I do?

Are you -- yeah.

[ Buzzer ]

You new here?

Who wants to know?

You want to help me k*ll the boss?

Which boss?

Don't you have two tv shows?

Don't you have two, too?

Does that make four?

[ Buzzer ]

What do you say we -- thank you very much, everybody.

We'll be back with more "whose line" right after this.

Hey, welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?

" Tonight brad and colin are reading the credits as if you're accepting your oscar, so go ahead and read.

Good night, everybody.

We'll see you next time.

We have so many people to thank.

I know -- dan patterson, mark leveson did nothing for me.

But jimmy mulville, oh, he was instrumental in winning this award.

Tom park for making me look good.

Dan cutforth, drew carey, of course.

Oh, brad sherwood.

I just love him.

Steven blum.

Steven blum, just one of the many parasites.

Eric wilker, melanie macfee.

Oh, alan sideris.

Oh, alison.

Julie rhine, who dressed me, and yet to do it right.

And my lovely wife dan patterson.