02x27 - March 9, 2000

[bunniefuu]

Good evening and welcome to "whose line is it anyway?

" On tonight's show -- if at first you don't succeed, try greg proops.

If you can't stand the heat, get out of the wayne brady.

If you can't say something nice, don't say colin mochrie.

And if you think you haveroblems -- ryan stiles.

Hey, I'm drew carey, your host.

Come on down.

Let's have some fun.

Oh, hello! Thanks and welcome to "whose line is it anyway?

" -- The show where everything's made up and the points absolutely do not matter.

Here, I'll tell you what.

We give away extra points all through the show.

Sometimes we give away points to people at home.

When you get your points, you can trade them for prizes.

Look for details at your local burger king.

These four guys are going to make up stuff for you right off the top of their heads.

We pick a winner at the end of the show, and the winner gets to do something special with me, and we make the loser sit there like this.

So lets start with a game called "weird newscasters.

" This is for all four of you -- "weird newscasters.

" Greg, you're going to be the anchor of a news program.

Colin, wayne, and ryan are the other people on the news program, but each of you are rather odd.

Greg, your co-anchor is colin.

Colin, you are a trigger-happy hunter.

Wayne, you're doing sports.

You illustrate your report through dance.

And, ryan, you're doing the weather.

You get your jacket caught in a moving ski lift.

That's what it says.

Whenever you hear the music, greg, go ahead and start.

[ Music plays ]

Good evening, everyone.

I'm twice nightly.

His moon jump, dish and spoon still missing.

Colin.

Do you hear a wabbit?

k*ll the wabbit! k*ll the wabbit! [ Making shotgun sounds ]

[ Boom ]

[ Making machine g*n sounds ]

An antewope! Look at the antewope! [ Making shotgun sounds ]

Oh, I've just created some havoc! Speaking of havoc, uh, it's time for sports.

Let's throw it over to snunk ninkley at the sports desk.

Snunk, what's on tap?

Thank you very much, twice.

Well, it appears that the women have done it again.

The women oh, they took it.

They took the ball, and they put it into the net.

They couldn't stop.

No one can stop our team because the american team is the best.

Lord knows that I can always use a good bunch of soccer players.

That's incredible.

Incredible! Well, that certainly was an interesting sports report, wasn't it, colin?

It was vewy, vewy intewesting.

Let's -- let's find out what conditions are going to be like for people who are going on vacation and throw it over to big ryan stiles.

Well, thank you, twice.

I'm going to use two pointers today because we've got doubly good weather this afternoon.

We've got clouds moving in over the pacific northwest later in the day.

That'll clear things up -- ooh.

Oh, my god.

Oh! Seem to be caught.

Can't quite oh! Oh! Aah! That's been the news.

Stay tuned for "america's most hilarious amphibians" coming up next.

[ Music plays ]

I'm 40 years old, for god sakes.

I shouldn't be doing this job.

Ryan, that was great.

I see your back's gotten better.

So 1,000 points to your chiropractor.

This next game is for wayne.

He's going to be assisted by laura hall on the piano and linda taylor on guitar.

Get me, uh, get me one extra stool.

I'm going to say hello to you guys in the matching outfits.

What's your names?

I'm amy.

What's your name?

Christina.

What do you guys do?

We're students.

Do you have any hobbies?

We run cross-country.

Why don't you come down here?

Whoo! Thanks a lot.

Say hi to wayne brady.

The moment I saw them, I wanted wayne to sing a song to them because you're going to be singing to amy and christina, whose hobby is running cross-country, and the style of the song is the backstreet boys.

Kind of worked out perfect, didn't it?

So, uh, whenever you're ready -- so, go wild, love child.

[ Music playing ]

Freeze I don't know exactly what you're doing to me but it's fun isn't it, tommy?

Yeah! Baby, baby ooh, you make me want to run oh, all of my love, it keeps haunting me you make me want to run cross-country so don't you see?

And we can have fun and you and you match in the same exact one oh you make me want to jog isn't that right?

I'm the sensitive one.

That's right, girls, just you and me because, you see, we do this easily and I don't care exactly what you think because me and you and you, well, you're dressed in pink that is right, and let the fun begin both of y'all are like the doublemint twins don't you understand, and this is this because you're running, I just don't miss, girl girl girl girl girl, girl I'm the shy one.

Girl, girl girl both of you, you make my mind swirl that's right yeah, you do, girl thank you, amy and christina! How about it?

Amy and christina! Now, can I just -- what was that again?

Was that 'nsync, backstreet boys?

It was both of them, drew.

Okay, sorry.

I get mixed up.

I'll give all the points to whoever made your dresses.

So points to your mothers, baby, yeah all right.

Okay, let's go on to a game called "sound effects.

" This is for colin and ryan.

Colin is going to improvise a scene with ryan.

Ryan's going to make sound effects colin has to respond to, and the scene is you're the only employee in a busy drive-thru fast food place.

[ Punches time card ]

[ Wind blows ]

[ Wind blows ]

[ Wind blows ]

[ Turns on griddle ]

[ Grease frying ]

[ Bing bing ]

[ Muffled chattering ]

[ Baby cries ]

[ Grease frying ]

[ Brakes screech ]

[ Car engine rumbles ]

[ Muffled chattering ]

[ Grease frying ]

[ Car zooms by ]

[ Grease frying ]

[ Baby crying ]

[ Burgers flipping ]

[ Splat ]

[ Buzzer ]

Don't go away.

We're going to see a commercial.

We'll be right back with more of "whose line is it anyway?

" Don't go anywhere! Welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?

" -- The show where everything's made up and the points don't matter.

Just like a hat at an orgy, it doesn't matter.

Okay, our next game is very confusing.

Get out your pencils.

It's called "number of words.

" This is for everyone to play.

Now, the idea of this game is that our performers are going to be acting out a scene.

However, each performer can only speak in sentences of a certain number of words.

Ryan can only speak in one-word sentences.

Colin is only allowed three words per sentence.

Wayne, only two words per sentence, but greg is allowed five words per sentence.

Got all that?

Now, the scene is ryan's a world w*r ii submarine captain, colin is the nervous first mate, and they're joined by wayne, a lieutenant who's discovered a german stowaway -- greg.

Did you get all that?

Because I'm not repeating it.

And whenever you're ready, go.

Periscope up, sir?

Yes.

I'm very nervous.

Relax.

My first time! What is it?

Dutch! That's okay, sir.

[ Hatch opens ]

Sauerkraut! I'm not german.

I'm swiss.

[ Humming ]

Shut up! That's a lie! No, it's not.

I am.

Captain, what should let me go.

Let me.

Overboard! Throw him overboard?

Right now?

Yes! Underwater?

Yes! But we'll drown.

So?

You will all drown, dummkopf.

That's german word.

Wait! I meant to use the the what?

Swiss word that I had.

[ Buzzer ]

Uh, I'm going to give you 500 points apiece for that because I got nowhere else to put them.

Ryan gets 501 points.

Now let's play a game called "party quirks.

" Uh, this game, greg, you're going to be hosting a party.

Wayne, colin, and ryan will be your guests, and each of them have a strange quirk or identity.

Greg has to guess what the quirks are.

I'll bring you in one at a time with the doorbell.

And whenever you're ready, greg, start the party.

[ Making gorilla sounds ]

It's a "come as a primate" party.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Hello, wayne.

Hey, dude, what's up?

Not much.

Oh.

Hey, you all right?

Got chips?

Yeah, sure.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Did you ride your bike here right behind a bus?

[ Doorbell rings ]

Hello, col.

[ Grunts ]

[ Shouts ]

Hey! Hey! What's going on?

Leave my cat alone, you big -- argh! Argh! [ Fires cannon ]

Thar she blows! Have you met -- [ doorbell rings ]

Have you met wayne?

He's made of rubber.

Drew: no.

Of course he's not.

I just always say that about wayne.

You just enjoy yourself, and I'll get the door, shall i?

Hello, ryan.

[ Growling ]

[ Barks ]

[ Yelps ]

[ Barks ]

[ Yelps ]

[ Snarling ]

So, you guys -- you guys want to play a game or something?

Hey, uh hey, ryan, have you met colin?

Colin's reenacting every battle from every era of the -- he's the warrior from every century.

[ Buzzer ]

Hey, be careful, be careful.

That's a vicious, rabid dog on a leash.

[ Buzzer ]

Greg! Yes! Greg, I can't -- you -- you are so loaded, and it's -- it's like 7:30.

What is the deal?

I just need to get some -- some -- oh, you -- you're gumby is what you are! What -- what holds you to the earth?

Well, my love for you, drew.

No.

Scientifically, what holds you to the -- oh, I understand now.

You're fighting gravity in all its respects.

Close enough.

I'd give you points, but the points don't matter, like the queen of england.

[ Imitating queen elizabeth ]

Hello, is it bigger than a bread box?

Now let's go to a game called "scene to rap.

" Greg and wayne, you're going to make up a scene, rapping all the way.

You'll be joined later by colin and ryan, two of the greatest rappers in north america, accompanied by laura hall and linda taylor.

Laura hall and linda taylor.

And what I need from the audience is a real or made-up disaster movie.

[ Shouting ]

What?

Man: "black hole"! Oh, "black hole," "black hole.

" So that's the disaster movie.

It's about a black hole.

[ Music playing ]

Dude, we out in space, so get out of my face itty-bitty stars all over the place I'm real scared, I'm gettin' kind of freaky I think the ship is gettin' kind of leaky I don't know what's out there it can't be matter I'm gonna freak out and then go splatter wait a second, wait, have fun it's only a black hole, I've got one you gotta realize when I say this because it is something that you can't miss yeah, yeah, I like to rip as I get funky in my ship oh, my goodness, what is that?

It looks like our ship might go splat [ imitating record scratching ]

Hey, I'm the doctor that you picked I got to admit I'm feeling mighty sick I'm not a good doctor, I'm the best oh, my god, there's somethin' in my chest whoa! Oh, my god, oh, my god don't you see what's comin' out of his bod?

Oh, I'm freakin' out, ya better hit me just like aliens, he's like ripley grraah! I'm an alien from the black hole I come here to collect your soul I'm going to take you back there and then I'm just gonna dance go, daddy, go, daddy go, daddy, go, daddy go, daddy [ buzzer ]

Hey, don't go away.

We're going to see a commercial.

We'll be right back with more "whose line is it anyway?

" The winner gets to do a little something special.

You don't want to miss it.

Hey, welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?

" Tonight's winner -- wayne brady! Wayne brady's the winner.

Because he wins, he gets to sit at the desk and do what I do while we do a hoedown.

We're going to do a hoedown, and, uh, what I need from the audience is a suggestion for, uh, something a group of guys might do together.

[ Shouting ]

Bachelor party -- we got it.

So, laura hall, linda taylor, let's hear the bachelor party hoedown.

I went up to drew's house because he's gettin' married he's going to be married to the girl that'll be mrs.

Drew carey he said there'd be a stripper and there was, and it was scary 'cause when the stripper came out it was drew carey had a bachelor party we took off our clothes it was pretty wild, heaven knows I was embarrassed when I went to tip her turns out my mother was the stripper I went to a bachelor's party I really had a ball boy, I consumed an awful lot of alcohol in fact, it was really bad in fact, it spelled my doom 'cause when I awoke, I found I'd married the groom my friends threw me a party I knew that I was sunk we stripped right down all night long and got really drunk dancin' with my naked friends boy, that's the life as a matter of fact, to hell with my wife all: to hell with my wife drew: don't go anywhere.

We're coming right back with more "whose line is it anyway?

" To end the show tonight, we're going to have greg and colin read the credits for us as two carnival barkers luring people into the sideshow.

We'll see you next time on "whose line is it anyway?

" See the 2-headed dan patterson-mark leveson.

See the freakishly dull ryan stiles.

Hurry, hurry, hurry tom park.

Come on in.

Now we've got the singing guy.

You give him some peanuts, he will sing for you.

Come one, come all.

It's an adult show only -- melinda cote, stacey gale.

Delia frankel -- she's got five arms! And they're all totally naked!