02x30 - March 30, 2000

[bunniefuu]

Good evening and welcome to "whose line is it anyway?

" Tonight, follow that car -- brad sherwood.

They're gaining on us -- wayne brady.

Don't worry, I drove one in the army -- colin mochrie.

And I think we lost them -- ryan stiles.

I'm your host drew carey.

Come on down.

Let's have some fun.

Whoa! Hello.

Welcome to "whose line is it anyway?

" Where everything's made up and the points don't matter.

That's right, points here are useless.

They're useless like the rack of speedos at the big 'n' tall shop.

If you never saw the show before, we have our performers come up and they make up everything you see, and then I give points -- who knows why -- and at the end we pick a winner.

The winner gets to do something special with me, and the loser has to do it twice.

So, let's get the show started with a game I call "let's make a date.

" Wayne is going to be a contestant on a dating show.

Ryan, colin, and brad are contestants hoping to be picked by wayne.

But on these cards that they've never seen before, we've given them a strange characteristic or identity -- ha ha ha! And wayne has to guess who they are.

So, wayne, whenever you're ready, go ahead.

[ High-pitched voice ]

Hello, bachelor number one.

Hello.

Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi.

[ Panting ]

Down, down, bachelor number one.

I enjoy the great outdoors.

What do you enjoy?

I love the outdoors.

I'll go wherever you want.

You want to walk?

I'll go walk.

I'll go walk.

Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.

Whatever you want to do.

Sure, sure, sure.

You sound like a great saturday night all rolled into one person, bachelor number one.

[ Growls ]

Bachelor number two.

[ Nasal voice ]

Yeah?

I like a man who is strong.

Mm-hmm.

I like a man who is smart.

But best of all, I like a man who knows how to work I on the dance floor.

When I'm on the dance floor, I like to boogie.

I'll make you forget all your troubles.

And I bet you've got a great personality as well.

Oh, yeah.

[ Growls ]

Oh! Bachelor number three, I like a man who is well informed and kept up on today's topics.

Don't look at me.

Don't look at me when you ask a question.

I'm sorry.

Um tell me something.

As a little child, did the other kids make fun of you?

Humph.

They were always busting my hump, if that's what you mean.

[ Loud applause ]

Colin: ha! Bachelor number one, what's your favorite food?

I like anchovies.

I like bachelor number two! [ Chomping noises ]

[ Howling ]

[ Loud applause ]

Sit, ubu.

Sit.

Bachelor number two, make it quick.

You know, I don't think I can compete against number three.

I can't b*at this.

Very well.

Bachelor number three, I speak french fluently.

What do you speak?

Speak the language of love.

Oh.

Aah! Aah! [ Barking ]

[ Buzzer ]

[ Buzzer ]

Thank you very much.

Hey.

[ Loud cheering ]

Wayne, you have to guess who these people are.

Bachelor number one is a rabid puppy.

Bachelor number two is one of those old guys that you see hanging ou at the strip clubs at 2:00 a.

M.

It says here, "colin is the world's ugliest man looking for action," so I'll take that.

And bachelor number three is quasimodo, the hunchback of notre dame.

Brad a rabid dog, ryan quasimodo, and colin mochrie as himself.

Aw.

Don't even take any points from him.

Throw them back in his face.

1,000 Points.

1,000 Points for colin.

All right, let's go on to a game called "film, tv, and theater styles.

" This is for ryan and colin.

They're going to act out a scene.

I'm going to make them adapt it from styles I get from the audience.

What I need from the audience is styles of film, television, or theater.

Woman: silent.

Silent doesn't work good for tv, but you know what?

I'm going to write it down anyway.

Everybody always says silent.

I never say yes, but this time I'm going to.

Woman: sci-fi.

Sci-fi.

Man: fantasy.

What?

What?

Man: fantasy.

Fantasy, mystery.

Woman: disaster.

Disaster -- my sex life you just described.

Fantasy, mystery, disaster.

Man: p*rn.

What, p*rn?

p*rn, after-school special -- what's the difference?

Okay, we've got enough.

You're going to start regular.

Then I'll bring you in with -- oh, it's on the back.

Your scene is "ryan and colin are two hikers on donkeys "and are at each others' throats after three days lost in echo valley.

" So start out normal.

I'll bring in another style after you get started.

[ Echoing ]

Hey, hey, hey will you move your ass, ass, ass, ass, ass?

Mind if I turn off the echoecho?

Here we go.

[ Buzzer ]

Science fiction.

[ Flicking a switch ]

[ Buzzing ]

Your -- your donkey, it's flying.

That's right.

On my planet all donkeys fly.

I knew there was something odd about you.

[ Buzzer ]

Mystery.

Where did the donkeys go?

I don't like this.

I don't like it at all! Wait a minute.

Did you notice when we were riding here, they kept whispering in each others' ears?

We've been set up.

Set up by two asses.

[ Buzzer ]

Silent.

[ Buzzer ]

After-school special.

[ Buzzer ]

Okay, thank you very much.

5 Million points.

Of course, that's points I've never used, like my thighmaster.

Let's move along to "props.

" We're going to divide you guys into two pairs -- ryan and brad and colin and wayne.

Ryan and brad, this is your prop.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

And you guys get this one.

Come up with as many ideas as you can using these props.

Go ahead, ryan and brad.

[ Mooing ]

[ Buzzer ]

[ Jamaican accent ]

Welcome to jamaica, man.

[ Buzzer ]

Pick your "monopoly" fortune card.

[ Buzzer ]

Do you have a table for tammy faye bakker?

[ Buzzer ]

It's a hula-hoop with a safety strap.

Really?

Ohh! Oh, I'm sorry.

Are you all right?

[ Buzzer ]

Daddy, I'm a man, I'm a man.

[ Buzzer ]

When the giant finds out you broke his glasses, he's going to be angry.

[ Buzzer ]

[ Buzzing ]

[ Buzzer ]

Look out! A "b," a "b"! [ Imitating buckwheat ]

O-tay.

[ Buzzer ]

Look at those ants fry.

Whoo! [ Buzzer ]

You sure this will work, icarus?

No problem.

[ Buzzer ]

All right, don't go away.

We'll be back with "whose line is it anyway?

" After this.

Hey, welcome back to "whose line it anyway?

" "Whose line it anyway?

" Don't forget if you're keeping score at home, for the most original score book you send to abc, the winner gets free cable.

I'm drew carey, the fifth teletubby.

Nice to have you here.

Let's go on to a game called "news flash.

" This is for brad, colin, and ryan.

Colin and brad, you are two anchors at a news studio.

Ryan, you're a field reporter.

He's not going out to the field.

He's going out in front of this screen.

It's really green.

Yeah.

When he turns around, he can't see anything.

All I see is green, drew.

He has to try to guess what the image is behind him.

Colin and brad are trying to give him hints.

Here we go.

Over to colin and brad in the studio.

So the priest says, "I thought you said stigmata.

" Uhhello.

We interrupt your regularly scheduled program to bring you our man in the field with a late-breaking story.

Brad: ryan, can you hear us?

I can hear you, indeed.

There's a lot of noise behind me, but I can make out what you're saying, yes.

It seems kind of peaceful right now.

Be careful.

Be very careful! Boy, that was close.

Now it's even closer.

Wouldn't want to get hit by one of those.

Tell us more.

Well, apparently it all started at a ricky martin garage sale about two days ago -- about two days ago.

It hasn't stopped since.

He loves those fancy cuban shoes, doesn't he?

He sure does.

This right here has been happening for 10 minutes, and I don't know what that is.

Oh, my goodness! Are you sure you're safe?

I am safe.

I'm wearing lead underwear at the moment.

As you can see, I'm keeping my distance because it just keeps coming this way and then going right back again.

Oh! That was a close one.

Yeah, it's been like that all day.

Luckily, your head isn' made of frozen chicken.

So, tell me, describe for our viewers at home what you see since you're so close to the action.

Well, as you -- it started over here -- started right over here in this section, and then it made its way right over here, and here is where -- it's going to end right there.

Amazing.

Can I say something?

My father covered something similar to this in the 1930s.

Really?

Now, that's when he was swamped with work.

He was swamped with work at that time, yes.

Reminds me of a gary u.

S.

Bonds song.

Does it, indeed?

For the vh1 fans at home.

I wish I followed the music scene right now.

What do you call that?

I'm not much of an expert.

Well, in high school, we just called it a cheap date.

I don't know what you call it now.

Now, are you worried that your shoes could cause some concern?

I think I'm okay.

I think I'm okay there.

These were k*lled by natural causes.

They were hit by a car.

Oh, were they?

These shoes here?

They're gator.

Alligator.

Swamp gators.

Good job.

So, what's the gary u.

S.

Bonds thing?

Didn't he do the gator during a song?

You didn't even know, and you're throwing that out as a clue?

Minus 500 points.

Let's go on to a game that I'm going to watch.

It's called "greatest hits.

" It's for all of you with laura hall and linda taylor.

Colin and ryan, you're tv guys talking about the latest compilation album.

They're going to think up songs and titles and trip up wayne and brad.

What I need is something you'd look for in the yellow pages.

Woman: psychiatrist.

Psychiatrist.

Okay, good one -- psychiatrist, psychiatrist, psychiatrist, psychiatrist.

Let's go.

Your album is "songs of the psychiatrist.

" Whenever you're ready.

We'll be right back to our nature documentary, "shlomo the kosher penguin," in just a second.

You know, we know there's a lot of people out there with problems, don't we, colin?

That is so true.

A lot of people who just can't think straight.

That's why we're offering you a special offer -- a 3-cd set full of 13 songs concerning the psychiatrist, like that 1980s rhythm and blues hit "your time's up.

" O-o-oh now, baby, I don't want to make you mad but I've been listening to you droning on and I'm writing in my pad you're a crazy type of creep and you are such a slouch why don't you get your crazy butt up off my couch?

Your time is up your time is up your time is up your time is up your time is up your time is up and I've got to fill my golf bag up your time is up I'm 6' 6", and I wore heels during that era.

Ha ha ha ha.

You know, there are more songs on this cd compilation than -- it's a hard word.

It's not even a word.

It's just two letters.

Perhaps I should ge some help.

[ Sighs ]

You know, when I was a young rastafarian, there was nothing I liked better than listening to the reggae strains of "half a phobia's better than none.

" Phobia it goes something like this come again, no, come again, no you know I am a buffalo soldier but I don't carry a g*n no, no! So listen again and maybe you hear what I told you half a phobia is better than none no, no no, no together: no, no, no, no, no, no no, no, no, no, no, me got the phobia, no, no no-o no, no, no, you do not care me got myself a half a phobia me, I'm afraid of the air, I'm afraid of the high I'm afraid of the left, I'm afraid of the right I'm afraid of this, half a phobia's better this half a phobia oh, oh, oh, is better than none half a phobia is better than none maybe you cannot have one because half a phobia is better than none oh, oh as long as there's been psychiatrists, there has been people singing about them behind their backs.

Uh-huh.

Now, one of the bes early rock classics was, of course, "freud or jung -- who knows?

" Ever since I was a little kid I don't know my psyche or my id oh, baby, why don't we go?

Tell me, what the hell's an ego?

Oh, is it freud or, uh, ju-- uh, ju-- uh, jung?

Well, I've been crazy, crazy, crazy since the day I was born early, early evening till the early morning I don't know whether I'm straight or hung 'cause I don't know whether freud or jung oh, they wouldn't fool me 'cause I haven't quite figured it out my psyche is full of doubt oh, is it freud or jung?

Freud or jung?

Freud, freud freud or jung?

Freud or jung?

F-f-f-f f-f-f-f freud or jung freud or jung freud or jung freud or jung f-f-f-f-f f-f-f-f-f freud, freud or jung freud, freud or jung [ buzzer ]

Hey, folks, don't go away.

We're going to find out who the winner is right after this commercial.

Welcome back to "whose line it anyway?

" Tonight's winner -- wayne brady.

Keep it going for wayne brady.

How about it?

Wayne brady.

So these guys are going to help me do a game we call "world's worst.

" Let's step up here.

We have to come up with examples of the world's worst what?

World's worst -- world's worst -- not as easy as you think, is it?

That's right.

I earn my money.

That's all I can say.

World's worst nightclub act.

And now with my appendix gone, all that's left to do is sew me up.

[ Buzzer ]

Uh thank you very much.

Uh brunswick lanes on crystal avenue.

[ Buzzer ]

The capital of washington is olympia.

The capital of oregon is salem.

The capital of california is sacramento.

The capital of idaho is boise.

The capital of nevada is -- [ buzzer ]

The capital of florida is the "f.

" The capital of washington is the "w.

" The capital -- [ buzzer ]

Hi, colin.

Say hi to -- hey, drew.

Hey, drew.

How are you?

[ Buzzer ]

[ Singing khachaturian's "fire dance" ]

[ Buzzer ]

See, now this one's sticking out a little more.

Watch.

[ Buzzer ]

All right, if everybody's ready, I spy with my little eye something that is green, ladies and gentleman.

[ Buzzer ]

Isthis your card?

[ Buzzer ]

Now please be very quiet as I get the lion to cough.

[ Buzzer ]

We'll right back with more "whose line" after this.

Welcome back to "whose line it anyway?

" We're ending with brad and colin reading the credits.

Read the credits as two excitable reporters covering the rivals at a big awards show.

So go at it, and good night, everybody.

Thanks for watching.

The limousine is opening.

I see drew carey.

And there's ryan stiles in his wonderful lamã© gown.

Mark leveson is wearing a beautiful jimmy mulville tonight.

Oh, ruth phillips has some wonderful shoes.

Well, they were designed by brad sherwood and linda taylor.

Oh, look, lionel max pasamonte.

That eric wilker -- he gets more handsome with every awards show.

I saw him on "baywatch" with ray miller and julie rhine.

They were phenomenal together.