03x02 - October 12, 2000

[bunniefuu]

Drew: good evening, everybody, and welcome to "whose line is it anyway?

" On tonight's show -- take off all your clothes, please -- wayne brady.

Lie face-down on the bed -- chip esten.

Turn your head and cough -- colin mochrie.

And get out before you infect all of us -- ryan stiles.

I'm your host drew carey.

Come on down.

Let's have some fun.

Hello! Hello.

Welcome to "whose line is it anyway?

" The show where everything is made up and the points don't matter, just like the female characters in "a perfect storm.

" Ha ha ha! If you've never seen this show before, we're going to have these guys improvise everything.

Then we give them fakey points, and we pick a winner for no apparent reason, and the winner gets to do something special with me, and the loser gets liposucked.

Ha ha.

Yeah.

But we're not going to tell them where.

We're going to start with a game called "let's make a date.

" Ryan, colin, and wayne are going to be contestants on a dating-type show, hoping to be picked by chip, and aren't we all?

Uh we've given them each a strange characteristic, and chip's going to try to guess who they are.

I can't wait to see ryan.

Go ahead and start.

[ In french accent ]

Hello, bachelors! How are you doing today?

I am jean-viãƒâ¨ve, and I have a question for you, bachelor number one.

I love love, and I love to love love.

Please, bachelor number one, tell me about the first time you fell in love.

Heh heh heh heh! You grappled with 6 inches of plastic?

I mean my height.

My height.

Heh heh.

We are metric in where I am from.

Bachelor number two, I want you to finish this love poem -- roses are red, violets are blue quiet! You hear something?

I hear tell black bart and his g*ng are going to come riding through town.

I ain't going to be around when that happens, 'cause someone's going to die! I don't want it to be me.

Jehoshaphat! Well, it didn't rhyme, but it moved me.

Bachelor number three, tell me about our first date.

Our first date?

Well first date.

Well, I'd probably take you to -- [ imitates shotgun cocking ]

Get down on the ground! Get down there! Get over here! Get up there! Get up there! Get over there! Get down on the ground! Get down on the ground! Get down there! Stay there! You better stay there.

Don't even think about moving! Bachelor number one, how are you doing?

Quiet, toots.

Daddy's got to get to work.

Ha ha ha! Thank you, bach-- bachelor number two, if you took me to an amusement park, which ride -- amusement park?

He's got a g*n! Tell the schoolmarm! Tell the schoolmarm! Help! Help! Tell the schoolmarm! Help! Bachelor number three what?

Boxers or briefs?

I haven't got time to answer questions.

I got work to do.

You, get down there! Get down there! You, come here! Come here! Get down on that stage! Get over here! Go! Get down here! Not you.

You've got hair.

Get back there.

Get over there! Get over there! Hurry up! Get down on that floor! [ Buzzer ]

Thank you very much.

Ryan: thank you, guys.

Thanks a lot.

Thank you.

Thank you.

What's your name, sir?

Man: larry.

Larry?

Nice ass, larry.

Shh! Don't give it away.

So can you guess who they are?

Well, before I guess, I choose larry.

But the three bachelors are chucky -- yes! One of the cast members of "deliverance" -- no.

I'm going to come back to him, and I'm going to make him a, uh, t*rror1st.

No.

A bank robber.

He's a bounty hunter.

He's a bounty hunter.

He's rounding up guys that are what?

He's rounding up guys that are bald.

Yes.

And you are a bald guy.

Yes, yes.

It's hardly worth guessing 'cause you're not getting any points for it.

The guy with hair was starting to come down.

Ha ha ha ha! Now let's play a game called "scene with audience member.

" This is for ryan, colin, and I'm going to pick somebody from the audience here.

What's your name?

Me?

Yeah.

Giselle.

Why don't you come on down here, giselle?

I'm going to hand you this card here and this microphone.

Colin: take this one.

This one's nicer.

It's like the beginning of the olympics.

You're going to do a scene with these guys.

Giselle?

I'm dave.

What's going to happen is you have lines written on that card there, and whenever those guys prompt you to, you're going to read out your line in order.

Ryan and colin are two surgeons competing for the attention of giselle, and she's their attractive nurse.

So whenever you're ready, take it away.

All right.

Let's work on the patient here.

Giselle, what's wrong with this person?

That's a bad shade of lipstick for you.

Well, it's just in case she wakes up.

I don't want her to be frightened.

Good choice.

Good choice.

Thank you, and if I may say, that's a wonderful shade of lipstick on you.

I need a hug.

Well, come -- first time you weren't quick off the draw, my friend.

Why don't you make the first incision -- show the nurse how?

All right, giselle, watch closely.

I'm sure you'll learn something incredible.

I'll pick up my own stuff.

You just stand there.

Oh, my god! What happened?

You sliced him all the way down his stomach.

Why aren't you wearing any pants?

Don't tell me how to operate in my room! Don't ever yell at her! If I want to operate without my pants, I shall! It worked for me in geneva! We can't put you through this any longer.

Giselle and I have something to say.

Boy, was I drunk last night.

Show him your ring.

That's right, we're engaged.

You got married?

I thought I had a chance, giselle.

No, we're engaged.

We're not married.

I'm sorry.

I got my pants off.

It's hard to hear.

Look, I'll go over here in the corner so you and giselle can say goodbye.

I thought we had something special, giselle.

You're uglier than him.

[ Buzzer ]

Thank you, giselle.

Thank you very much.

We're going to do a little commercial.

We'll be right back with more "whose line is it anyway?

" Anyway?

" Welcome back to "whose line is I hey, I want to send a special thank you to everybody who sends in audition tapes.

Tonight's winner is riley breen from sandusky, ohio, so congratulations, riley.

We're going to be taping the show tonight over your audition tape.

Let's play a game called "sound effects.

" Ryan and colin, get ready to act out a scene.

I had these two ladies picked out early on.

I'd like you and you to follow me, please.

Yes, I'll help you down.

I'll help you down.

Oh, there you go.

Stand right over here by me.

Why don't you come right over here?

Now, you are going to be ryan's guy, and you're going to be colin's person.

They're going to do a game called "sound effects.

" Whenever they prompt you to, you're going to supply the sound effects they need for the scene into the microphone.

It's no problem.

Tell me your names.

Lynn.

I'm gail.

Gail, you're going to do colin, okay?

You guys are two buddy cops relaxing in your squad car just before being called to an incident.

Take it away.

These doughnuts aren't as crispy as they used to be.

No, they're certainly not.

[ Smacking lips ]

Look, I can chew with my mouth open and you don't hear a thing.

[ Smacking lips ]

Want to see if there's anything on the radio?

Might as well.

[ Pop ]

[ Pop ]

[ Imitating radio buzzing ]

Oh, the antenna's not screwed in.

Let's see.

[ Pop ]

[ Imitating radio buzzing ]

Turn up the volume, would you?

Don't hear a thing.

Oh, well.

What?

That guy just went through that light.

Hit the siren.

I'm chasing him.

Gail: rr-rr?

Hit the siren.

I did.

Lynn: whoo-whoo.

Colin: it's one of those silent ones that really irritates dogs.

Oh, man.

We're going to have to get really close for him to hear this.

I'd better g*n it.

Whoo! Whoo! Ryan: we must be out of gas.

Let's push it.

All right, look this could be dangerous.

We better put on our s.

W.

A.

T.

Stuff.

Okay.

I'm just going to cock my g*n.

[ Faint click ]

You call that a g*n?

Listen to this.

I'll take off the sil*ncer.

That's no g*n.

Listen to this.

[ Faint click ]

[ Making clicking sounds ]

Nothing.

Okay I have a feeling there's t*rrorists behind that door.

I hope they're loud t*rrorists.

It wouldn't surprise me if it was a very quiet group of 100.

All right, let's take it easy.

Okay.

Here's what we're going to do, okay?

Let's get this straight.

You are going to kick in the door very loudly.

I'm going to run in behind you, make a sound like a duck to confuse them.

Okay, let me hear the duck just so I know.

Lynn and gail: quack, quack, quack! You know, if you'll notice, that wasn't just one duck.

That was a whole flock.

You know what?

While you do the duck, I'm going to do the elephant.

Gail: quack, quack, quack! Ryan: all right, once again.

Okay.

The plan is here's the plan.

You kick in the door, I do the duck, you do the elephant, and then we open fire.

I might do a duck.

Okay.

Lynn: bang! Gail: quack, quack, quack, quack! [ Buzzer ]

Quack, quack! Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oh, my god! That was the funniest thing oh, that was so funny! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Oh, my god! "I'm going to do an elephant.

" "Quack, quack, quack.

" Whoo.

Oh, man.

That quacking elephant was, like, the funniest thing oh, man.

You guys are on the party list from now on.

They were so excited about making a noise.

"Oh, we can do quack.

Quack, quack, quack.

" Now let's move on with a game called "motown group.

" This is for wayne, chip, and ryan, with the help of laura hall and linda taylor.

Now, what I need for this from the audience is a suggestion of a manly profession.

[ Shouting suggestions ]

A what?

Man: sewer worker! Sewer worker.

Sewer worker.

These guys are going to sing like a motown group, like the temptations, and while one of them sings, two are going to do backup.

You'll be singing the song "do the sewer worker.

" "Do the sewer worker.

" Whoo! Yeah, yeah now, now, now, now, now, now, now many people have jobs which they need to hurdle but sometimes I'd like to get in the sewer like a teenage mutant ninja turtle my job makes me 10 times more smellier than you all day long, all I do is swim in poo do the sewer worker do the sewer worker, yeah, yeah well you're never, ever gonna believe what I did I got my crowbar and I lifted up the lid I dropped down inside just to see what I could see but all I saw was number two and number one, that's pee I didn't want to work there, but soon I am a liver I took a paddleboat and then I made it to the river in my sewer whoo I said my sewer bass man, break it down.

I work in the sewer, don't know what to say when I walk around, people run away I got to admit, it's kind of scary everyone thinks I smell like drew carey oh, my, oh, it's such a crime run away from ryan, that's all they do I say the sewer worker yeah, yeah do the sewer worker everybody, check it out.

Now, all you got to do if you're filled with lust put on your pants and a set of rubber gloves grab a shovel and then you begin it man, is that piss?

You're standing knee-deep in it do the sewer, yeah, yeah I'm doing the sewer, oh I do the sewer worker damn! I do the sewer worker whoo! I did the sewer worker hey, we're going to see a commercial right now.

We'll come back and find out who the winner is.

Welcome back to "whose line is it anyway"?

Tonight's winner -- colin mochrie.

Colin mochrie is the winner.

How abouã¡cthat?

He gets to sit, and wayne, ryan, and I are going to sing a love song to chrissie here.

We're going to sing a broadway love song.

We got her from the audience, and we're going to sing to her as a 3-headed broadway star, making up a broadway love song one word at a time with the help of laura hall and linda taylor on the piano.

What I need is a completion of the sentence -- you are my what?

"You are my butter stick" to chrissie.

Take it away.

You are my butter stick when I need a friend quick let me take some butter off you and let me wipe you butter stick you're my butter stick butter stick I'll love you when I and myself toast all: ooh when I love you butter stick you taste so good on toast or waffles or pancakes too butter stick you are half the -- half the man I am it's all right.

It's okay.

Butter oh, my oh my all: butter stick don't go anywhere.

Don't go anywhere.

We'll be right back with more "whose line" after this.

Oh, man.

Hey, welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?

" Special treat -- we decided to let lynn and gail come back here and read the credits for you.

Ryan and colin will help you.

Thanks for watching, everybody.

Say, colin, I'll read the credits, but why don't I just blend us some drinks first?

All right.

Buzz, buzz, buzz.

You know what tom park's favorite sound is?

It's this.

Quack, quack, quack.

An elephant?

Yes, the elephant.

His favorite sound is an elephant?

Harve levine, ron west -- I don't do elephants.

Goodness.

Lydia dunn -- does she make any noise?

Um, help, help, help, help.