03x06 - November 2, 2000

[bunniefuu]

Good evening, everybody, and welcome to "whose line is it anyway?

" On tonight's show -- great outside speed -- brad sherwood, likes to go deep -- wayne brady, he's tough to bring down -- colin mochrie, and he can't take another hit to the head -- ryastiles, and I'm your host -- drew carey.

Come on down.

Let's have some fun.

Hello.

Whoo! Welcome to "whose line is it anyway?

" The show where everything is made up and the points don't matter.

That's right.

The points are just like the actors' unions to tiger woods.

Let's get the show started with a game called "let's make a date.

" This is for all of you.

Ryan, colin, and wayne are contestants on a dating-type show.

They're hoping to be picked by brad, who's going to question them about their suitability.

We've given each of them a strange quirk or identity.

Brad has to guess who they are while he questions them, so whenever you're ready, brad, take it away.

Bachelor number one, I love romance.

If you and I were in a romance novel, describe the opening scene.

[ Imitating wicked witch ]

You think you're so pretty, do you?

I wouldn't go on a date with you if you were the last woman in oz.

Ha ha ha! [ Making monkey noises ]

Ha ha ha! [ Makes monkey noises ]

Strange.

Bachelor number two, if you would seduce me with food, what would you use and how?

[ Makes alarm noise ]

I did it.

Beef.

That seemed dirty.

Bachelor number three, I love presents.

What kind of presen would you buy me, hmm?

Well, if I could buy you a present, I would probably could you repeat the question, please?

You have kissable lips, bachelor number three.

Thank you.

Bachelor number one -- poof! Ha ha ha! Write me a poem now.

Now.

Little dater come from the west, I am your opponent, and I'll be the best.

If you don't give me what I want, you'll be singing the blues, I'll b*at your ass and take your red shoes.

Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! I can't imagine who you would be.

Bachelor number two yeah.

Same question.

All right, I -- oh, no! Oh, hang on! I'll save you! [ Buzzer ]

I don't know how you're going to do it.

Guess who they are.

All right, let's see.

Wayne was either the wicked witch of the wes or barbara bush.

Wicked witch of the west, commie.

Yes.

And her and her what?

Oh, flying monkeys.

Oh, he was two people.

That's very exciting.

Bachelor number two was a drunk fireman.

Yes.

And at first I thought ryan was ed sullivan, but I think he was a fish.

A goldfish.

A kissing fish.

Good job.

1,000 Points to everybody.

Why do we even make you guess at the end of that game?

I don't know.

It's like there's something at stake.

Let's move on to a game called "duet.

" This is for brad and wayne with the help of laura hall, linda taylor, and candy girard on violin.

Hello.

What's your name?

Kim.

Kim, what do you do for a living, kim?

I sell light bulbs.

A lot of money in that, is there?

Oh, yeah.

Okay, come on down here, kim, and say hi to brad and wayne.

So, you sell light bulbs, huh?

Not door-to-door, right?

No.

Hi, I'm a light bulb salesman.

Porch light seems to be out.

Okay, you're going to sing a song to kim, the light bulb saleslady, but I'd like you to do it in the style -- it says here, "as a jewish wedding.

" Oh, good, 'cause I've been to a lot.

Yeah.

You and sammy never hung out or anything?

Okay, uh, this is just about the girl.

She's the bride, so go ahead and sing away.

[ Both singing in hebrew ]

Spring today a girl named kim makes me say hello, I love you gee hey, there, kim, it's so good to see you when I need a light bulb, I get a new idea oh, kim oh, kim oh, kim oh, kim oh, kim I would buy a bulb from you, not him both: oh, kim oh, kim you keep my life from being so dim kim, you are the one for me oh, yes, and now you see I know I love you true, I turn it on to two the wattage is so high, and now I wonder why you are with some new guy oh, kim, you are the girl I like I fly a kite just for the electricity to flow from you to me both: oh, kim you are so effervescent your light bulb is florescent and I am out of rhymes oh, kim, oh, kim both: oh, kim [ buzzer ]

We'll be right back with more "whose line" right after this.

Don't go away.

Welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?

" The show where everything is made up and the points don't matter.

Let me take this moment to give you a plug for wayne, colin, and ryan's next movie, and brad.

They all have a movie coming out.

It's a combination of "coyote ugly," "scary movie," and the "x-men.

" It's called "it's scary how ugly those men are.

" Let's go to a game called "infomercial.

" This is for ryan and colin.

You're going to be two guys doing an infomercial about a new miracle product, and you're going to use items in that box to help sell the miracle product.

I need a suggestion of a product in an infomercial for self-improvement or beauty enhancement.

Woman: cellulite cream.

Cellulite cream.

Let's hear about this new cellulite cream.

Take it away.

Good evening.

It's 12:00 on a saturday and there's nothing else to watch, so it's time to shop.

Do you have cellulite?

I don't, but I know plenty of people who do.

You don't?

Hey, you stop it, ryan.

Everyone's got celluloid, even a guy like me.

Celluloid?

That's film.

That's what I -- cellulite -- on the back of the legs.

Cellulite.

Oh, right.

Yeah, cellulite.

Well, it is unsightly, but we have got products that will get rid of it in months flat.

Exactly right, colin.

You know, we have so many products -- well, let's take a look at one of them right now, col.

A simple bag of green peas.

Why, ryan, how could that possibly fight the w*r against cellulite?

Well, let me tell you.

You know, celluloid is caused -- cellulite.

Cellulite is caused by eating too much, of course.

Of course.

Of course.

We find if you eat the foods inside the bag without taking them out, you don't get the nutrition or the fat from the food.

It sounds crazy, but it works! It works! Why, what can this do?

Gee, you know, it looks like some sort of weird, oh, I don't know, home batting cage or some sort of fish -- no, you silly goose.

What is it?

It's a cellulite fighter.

What?

You stick this up against the back of your thigh.

Get a friend to push it really hard.

The cellulite comes out, and you just iron it away.

Wow.

That's right! You iron it away! Boy, I bet stuff like this must be expensive.

Are you kidding?

This costs next to nothing, but it's actually $25.

94.

That is next to nothing, col.

What is this, I wonder?

Where do you get celluloid the most, col?

Well, I get celluloid elsewhere.

Cellulite I get right around my -- your what?

Your what?

Around my -- that's about that size.

About -- oh! See, col, what you do is you put this on one of the cheeks of your bum.

Now, there's a special nozzle here where you can get a close friend a really close friend.

To blow pushing the celluloid away -- pushing it away -- pushing it away forever, and I'm not talking about film.

Are you getting that bad act together again?

Yes, I am.

What does that look like to you?

Why, that looks like some sort of furniture polish with the brand name erased.

It is.

I don't know what it's doing in there.

Uh-oh.

For really bad cases.

This is not for everyone.

These are for people who have a bad case of cellulite.

What happens is you attach this to the bottom.

Shall I attach it for you, colin?

No, it's all right.

I'll just hold it.

You stick the rest of the cellulite in there, and it carries it.

As you walk, your walking actually pulls the cellulite in through the back of your thighs out to your knees where wrinkles don't matter.

You know what is so great about all this stuff, colin?

What?

If none of this works -- and it will -- but if none of it works, you can take the box we ship this stuff in -- just walk around town like this.

[ Buzzer ]

Celluloid, as you all know, is, uh, fat hemorrhoids.

Celluloid.

You talking about celluloid?

Yeah, yeah.

Let's go on to a game called "scenes cut from a movie.

" This is for all four of you.

Now, what I need from the audience is names of your favorite famous movies.

[ Audience shouting ]

"Showgirls, "pulp fiction" "saving private ryan" "psycho" "braveheart.

" Oh, "casablanca," "caddyshack.

" Man: "forrest gump.

" Okay, we got enough.

We've discovered scenes were cut from these different famous movies, and our performers here are going to act them out for you, show you what you missed, starting with the scene that was cut from "psycho.

" [ Making water running noise ]

[ Buzzer ]

"Showgirls.

" [ Deep voice ]

You ready?

[ Buzzer ]

"Pulp fiction.

" Know what they call a burrito in china?

[ Speaks chinese ]

No.

Okay, okay, what do they, uh [ buzzer ]

You know the funny thing?

That is what they call a burrito in china.

Uh, "gump" -- "forrest gump.

" Life is kind of like a bag with a bunch of bugs in it -- you open it, and it all just spreads out all over the floor.

[ Mumbles ]

Come on, man.

[ Buzzer ]

I'm going to b*at your ass.

[ Buzzer ]

"Saving private ryan" -- another tom hanks film.

[ Crying and mumbling ]

I don't want to, please.

The bathroom is free now.

[ Buzzer ]

"Caddyshack.

" [ Makes gopher noise ]

[ Makes gopher noise ]

[ Makes bird noise ]

Aah! [ Buzzer ]

"Braveheart.

" [ Scottish accent ]

All right, men, we're going into battle tomorrow.

Aye, aye, aye.

Both: aye.

Before we do, I think we should all take a shower.

That would be great.

We've set up some shower faucets right here on the b*ttlefield.

Who wants to be first?

Uh, I don't want my freedom.

[ Buzzer ]

1,000 Points to colin for sounding like the woman from "chicken run" instead of from "braveheart.

" Do that again.

That was pretty funny.

I don't want my freedom.

Let's move on to a game called "irish drinking song" -- "irish drinking song," with the help of laura hall and candy girard -- candy girard.

Now, audience, if something might happen to you that you would want to keep secret, what would that something be?

Slept with an ugly woman.

Let's do the "slept with an ugly woman" irish drinking song.

Now these guys are going to make up this song for you one line at a time, so take it away.

Oh, di, de, di, de, di, de, di, de, di once when I was celebrating I went to bed I had too much to drink and woke up to an ugly head she turned over and I saw her face I screamed in surprise and I sprayed her with mace oh, di, de, di, de, di, de, di, de, di I jumped around and ran away and put on all my clothes and then I ran from the house I hit her, I do suppose but she chased right after me she got into her car she didn't get there she looked like jamie farr oh, di, de, di, de, di, de, di, de, di although she was so ugly I took her anyway I used her to scare children away what the hay?

Boy, it really worked good I remember that day that I took her to the dog park and said, what the hay?

Oh, di, de, di, de, di, de, di, de, di I tried to forget it I tried to drink a lot because she was so ugly she needed an ink spot then the day would come again that I'd meet her I was so scared it looked like someone had b*at her oh, di, de, di, de, di, de, di, de, di oh, di, de, di, de, di, de di, de, di okay, great.

We'll be right back with more "whose line" right after this.

Don't go anywhere.

Hey, welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?

" Tonight's winner -- colin mochrie.

Colin mochrie is the winner, and as promised, the winner just gets to lay around on his butt like I do during the show.

The rest of us are going to work for you.

We're going to do a game called "foreign film dub.

" Give us a language.

Woman: french.

Wayne and I are going to pretend to speak french.

Ryan is going to translate for me.

Brad is going to translate for wayne, and if you're a french action film director, what would the name of your french action film be?

The name of the french action movie is "uh-huh" starring wayne and me.

Take it away.

[ Makes clicking noise ]

[ Pretending to speak french ]

Brad: keep a lookout for the cops.

I will try to open the safe, and then we will watch "hogan's heroes.

" [ Pretending to speak french ]

Ryan: but it's october.

It's time for me to shower.

[ Pretending to speak french ]

Brad: wait one more month for your shower.

We must break into the safe and get a valuable book.

No, no, no, no.

[ Pretends to speak french ]

Ryan: I can't move.

I've had too many croissants.

[ Pretending to speak french ]

[ Makes alarm ringing noise ]

Brad: oh, no, I've accidentally set off the do "the hustle" alarm.

No! [ Pretending to speak french ]

Ryan: no, no.

I cannot do that dance with my clothes on.

I must take them off now.

[ Pretends to speak french ]

Brad: okay.

[ Pretending to speak french ]

[ Buzzer ]

We'll be right back with more "whose line" right after this.

Welcome back, folks.

Tonight we're going to have everybody read the credits.

All you guys are going to read the credits for us like the wicked witches of the west.

Thanks for watching.

We'll see you next time on "whose line is it anyway?

" [ All imitating wicked witch ]

Dan patterson.

Tom park.

Poof! Poof to you! Poof! Ha ha ha! Aah! Ha ha ha! What are you doing?