03x10 - November 23, 2000

[bunniefuu]

And welcome to "whose line is it anyway?

" On tonight's show For deep down cleansing wayne brady.

Doesn't leave streaks chip esten.

Just spray and go colin mochrie.

And leaves the whole house smelling fresh ryan stiles.

Hi.

I'm your host drew carey.

Come on down.

Let's have some fun.

Hello, hello.

Welcome to "whose line is it anyway?

" The show where everything's made up And the points don't matter.

The points are like A starbucks across the street from a starbucks.

Let's ha ha ha ha.

Now let's get it started, see how it goes.

This first game is called "superheroes.

" This is for all four of you.

Colin, you're going to start.

Ryan, chip, and wayne will join him.

Each new superhero will name the next superhero coming in.

What I need from the audience Is the name of an unlikely superhero.

[ audience shouting suggestions ]

Stop shouting.

I can't take it.

What did you say?

Man: Dogcatcher.

DogcatcherBoy.

Man, what kind of a crisis will dogcatcher boy Be dealing with?

Man: Pit bull! Pit bulls.

There's pit bulls running loose all over the world.

What are you going to do?

I don't know.

Come on.

Come on, you little shih tzu.

Come on.

What's this on the crisis monitor?

Pit bulls all over the country! I hope my superfriends get here soon.

Sorry I'm late.

I couldn't get a cab.

Cabbie, cabbie.

Nothing was working.

Thank goodness you're here, Body-parts-constantly- falling-asleep boy.

Look.

What?

Look.

Pit bulls! That's what I'm saying, pit bulls.

Oh, my god.

We need help.

We need much help.

Sorry I'm late.

Captain cossack! I'll do what I can, but we need more help.

Sorry I'm late.

Look, everyone, it's tae bo kid.

Sorry I'm late.

Chaa! All we have to do is we have to teach Each of these pit bulls responsibility Through tae bo.

That's thinking.

That'll work.

I can't help much, But I'll go drink a lot of vodka.

Are my lips moving?

Yeah.

Another crisis averted.

[ buzzer ]

Hey, uh What kind of light does the commissioner put up When he wants body-parts- falling-asleep guy?

That's what I want to know.

1,000 points apiece.

Our next game we're going to do is called "duet" For chip and wayne With the help of laura hall, linda taylor, anna wanselius.

Yes! Would you like to be on television?

What's your name?

Phyllis.

What do you do for a living, phyllis?

I'm a housewife.

Where are you from?

Niagara falls, canada.

Come on down here, phyllis.

This is phyllis.

There you go.

Have a seat.

It's not going to hurt.

Phyllis, you're in for a treat Because these guys are going to sing to you As the bee gees.

As the what?

As the what?

The bee gees were a hit rock group When you were 70 in the '70s.

[ audience booing ]

Sorry.

Go ahead.

Take it away, everybody.

Let's hear you sing.

[ playing disco music ]

whoo whoo hah hah, hah, hah, hah, hah phyllis Yes?

hah, hah, hah, hah, hah, hee there's something about you, child phyllis give me shivers and shivers, oh sweet phyllis you know I get excited whenever you call you and me, phyllis, going over them falls we'll get in a barrel I hope it don't k*ll us me me and phyllis ahh oh, my little phyllis ooh whoo, whoo phyllis phyllis whoo-hoo phyllis Both: phyllis Yeah! Phyllis! I loved it.

Thank you, phyllis.

Come on.

We'll walk you back.

Thank you so much.

I just loved it, drew.

That was fantastic.

Oh, man.

Phyllis! Phyllis, that was great.

Oh, that was just great.

I have the best job in the world.

Let's go on to a game.

This game's called "scenes from a hat," And what happens is before the show, We asked the audience to write some things down They'd like to see the performers do.

We're going to see how many of them they can do.

"pick-up lines that are doomed to fail.

" Hey, I've got cable.

Once the itching stops, I'll be ready for loving, baby.

I play lewis on "the drew carey show.

" "things to say that will always start a fight.

" Guys want to fight?

Hey, clinton, what's with the fat broad?

"the shortest book ever written.

" British dentistry.

The life and times of gary coleman.

Drew carey's acting tips.

Drew carey's acting tips.

Drew carey's acting tips.

See?

Yeah.

I hope you like the inside of your trailer.

"disturbing sayings found On your grandmother's crocheted throw pillows.

" I did it with your grandfather right here.

"what they really talk about in football huddles.

" He's such a [ bleep ]

.

He scratched my eyes out.

I know.

Why do you wear contacts in the first place?

I don't know.

Okay, let's move along.

Wow.

"the newspaper headline you'd most like to see.

" Balding men best lovers in the@.

Orld.

[ buzzer ]

We'll be back with more Of "whose line is it anyway?

" right after this.

Don't go away.

welcome back.

Welcome back to the second half of "whose line is it anyway?

" The show where everything's made up And the points don't matter.

I guess "friends" isn't very good tonight.

We got a game here called "whose line?

" It's for colin and ryan.

We have the audience write down random lines Before the show.

We pick good ones.

We give them to colin and ryan.

Stuff them in your pocket so you can't see them.

They're going to have to insert these lines As they make up the scene.

The scene is colin is a distraught maid marian Who tells robin hood that's ryan That you can't take the strain of the relationship anymore.

Put in the lines as you go.

Whenever you're ready, start.

sweedily-diddily-dee [ british accent ]

oh, sweedily-diddily-don't.

Why, marian, whatever is wrong?

Whatever is wrong?

You know, it's just you and your merry men.

You come in here, I cook for all of you, And you run off.

Well, I've got to steal from the rich And give to the poor.

Look, when we started this relationship, I never promised you anything.

As a matter of fact, I remember distinctly saying, "what time do the girls get here?

" I should have taken an indication.

You're my favorite girl.

You know that.

I want to be the only one.

I don't want us living in the forest.

I'm robin hood.

I can't narrow it down to one woman.

You listen to what I'm about to say to you, And you listen good, mister.

Let's get naked and wrestle.

Wait.

Oh, this won't work.

Look, marian, this is foolish.

If you want to get married, I'll marry you.

The friar can do it for us Back at the place where we live in the woods.

Do you mean it?

I do.

Can we write our own vows?

I've already done it, my dear.

As we walk up to the friar, I'll look in your eyes and say, "marian, "I love you so much.

There's more than one way to stuff a turkey.

" And I'm putting the giblets on your plate.

I love when you talk poultry.

What is it?

Something's bothering you.

[ normal voice ]

you could tell by my face?

Not only that, But you've dropped your accent.

Living in the woods will do that.

Look out there.

All that could be ours, marian.

Oh, but don't you see we're living In a fool's paradise?

When my mother d*ed, She told me to search for happiness And "stand back.

This baby's going to blow.

" Then she just blew up.

[ buzzer ]

1,000 points to ryan Because I've always wanted to tell him "your mother is the best stripper in vegas.

" I bought her a house.

That's right.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Let's play a game called "greatest hits.

" This is for all of you with the help With the help of laura hall, linda taylor, anna wanselius.

Colin and ryan are going to be tv voiceover guys Talking about a latest compilation album.

Wayne and chip are going to try to sing songs That they make up.

What I need from the audience Is something you look for in the yellow pages.

Man: Women.

Women, yes.

Women.

Got it.

So, the name of your album is "songs of women.

" Go ahead and go.

We'll be right back to our fox premiere Of "alien oddities" with e.

T.

The extra testicle In just a second.

But first, have we got an offer for you.

For as long as men have walked this planet, Women have walked it, too.

And we've compiled over 78 songs on one cd All about women.

I don't know about you, colin.

I love them.

I love themMore.

I'm not insecure about my sexual identity.

I love women! Sleep.

You'll forget I ever said that.

Awake.

For as long as men have walked this planet, Women have walked it with them.

We've compiled over 78 songs on one cd All about women.

I don't know about you, but I love them.

Yeah, me too.

I don't think there's a better song Than that 1984 police hit "hey, what's that?

" [ playing '80s-style music ]

ee-oh whoo-hoo-hoo [ laughing ]

I gave her liposuction 'cause she was kind of fat oh, oh, ey-oh then something went down through my tube I said, "lord, what is that?

" I don't know ee-oh, no ee-oh I don't know, ee-oh, don't know I don't know what is that?

what is that?

what is that?

that's not fat, what is that?

I don't know, no, no, I don't know, no, no t-r-a, I don't know, no, no what is that?

[ echoing ]

that, that, that, that, that Amazing.

Hey, ryan, if sting retires, Will he change his name to stung?

Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha.

I don't think there's a better song That, uh, tells me, uh, what women are all about Sleep.

When you awake, you will have great diction.

Awake.

Than that louis jordan song "she's all mine.

" [ playing swing music ]

now b-b-b-b-b-better believe that if you touch my woman, I'm gonna knock you flat oh, don't even look at her behind you better believe it, yes, thachick is mine yes, yes well, I go crazy when she looks at other fellas that's my baby, you know I can get so jealous ooh, that girl, she's sweet, she's fine don't look at her, that girl is mine she's mine she's mine she's mine whoo she's mine she's mine she's mine she's mine she's mine whoo she's mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine she's mine Chicken.

Damn it.

You know, One of my favorite styles is zydeco Because it starts with a "z" and ends with a vowel, But that's just me.

Ha ha ha ha.

Stung.

And one of my favorite zydeco hits, of course, Is that your feet are just going to start tapping "hot, hot fever, cold, cold chills.

" let me tell you something I guarantee I get the hot flash when I see the bee that is what I do, it gives me a thrill oh, my goodness, hot chills, ha ha [ both imitating cajun french ]

au revoir hot chills hot chills hot chills ha ha ha [ buzzer ]

We'll be right back with more "whose line is it anyway?

" Don't go away.

Welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?

" Tonight's winners wayne and ryan.

They're going to do a game with me Called "3-headed broadway star.

" We're going to pretend to be a 3-headed broadway star.

We're going to stand like this And make up a song one word at a time With the help of laura hall and linda taylor.

What I need from the audience Is a name of an unlikely broadway musical.

Man: "why we're in the toilet.

" No.

Man #2: "k*ller whale.

" More of a comment.

"k*ller whale" is the name of the musical, And what's the name of the hit love song?

Woman: "don't touch my blowhole.

" "don't touch my blowhole" The hit love song from the broadway musical Something about a whale, okay?

Yeah, "k*ller whale.

" Here we go.

One word at a time.

I don't know why you feel the blowhole ha ha why don't you just keep leaving it alone?

Ha ha ha.

orca the k*ller whale is my best friend he doesn't like anyone touching his blowhole hole so I won't touch it no no no-o-o I won't you Won't.

leave it alone don't touch my blow hole hole [ buzzer ]

Is "blowhole" two words?

No.

We'll be right back with more "whose line.

" We'll find out if "blowhole" is only one word.

Read the credits like two old vaudeville performers.

Thanks for watching, everybody.

Good night.

I remember a very young dan patterson.

That ryan stiles dan patterson He would start doing this.

Watch out for my arthur.

It's in the forrest.

Ladies and gentlemen, I've got the biggest colin mochrie in the world.

Hey, is my kieran healyed yet?

Is it healyed?

Oh, whoop.

Splut.

Ha ha ha.

Want one of these?

Watch out.

Wait a second.

I got kenneth shapiro.

Have you folks heard the one about chris dale?

Tell us about it.

I don't know.