05x15 - Possums, Pregnancy and Patriarchy

[bunniefuu]

"The Conners" is filmed

in front of a live studio audience.

I could've sworn you all moved out.

Maybe it was a dream I had.

You were there, and you were there,

and someone dropped a house on you.

Well, I'm just here
to wake up your grandpa

and drag him to work. Courage!

I'm here because Ben didn't
go grocery shopping yesterday,

so I'm shopping in
the Conners' mini mart.

Hey, look, the only reason

I didn't go grocery shopping yesterday

is 'cause by the time I
closed the hardware store,

dropped off your dad,

and then picked up a white T-shirt

for Beverly Rose's
Tie-Dye Tuesday at school,

it was too late.

Did you get the dye and a T-shirt

for her best friend, Kayla?

'Cause I promised you'd get that, too.

Ooh, well, I better head back out

because I don't want
to disappoint Kayla.

I knew when I woke up and
there was no food in the house,

I'd find you guys here.

What happened to No Child Left Behind?

Can I have $ for the
school orchestra field trip?

We're going to a nursing
home in Carbondale

to perform the score from
"Jesus Christ Superstar"

for the seniors.

Sounds like a soft
introduction to the big man

before they go and meet him.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I think you have the
wrong department, sir.

This is love and encouragement.

This gentleman over here is the bank.

bucks to play for a bunch of seniors?

It sounds like your music teacher's

trying to buy a new Honda.

While the bank is open,

just a reminder that
the mortgage is due.

What? Has it been a month already?

I feel like I just paid it.

You did, but we were three weeks late.

Oh, well, then we're not
due for another three weeks.

I'm trying to stay on a schedule here.

Okay, well, when you do pay it,

just don't forget to
cover my share. Sorry.

Oh, and there's something in the garage

that's hissing and throwing
itself against the door.

If you could put it in a bag and
toss it in the neighbor's yard,

that would be great.

- Love you.
- I love you.

- Mwah.
- Mwah.

- Former tenant.
- Former landlord.

Before I toss youse all out,

I am receiving an inordinate amount

of targeted ads for pre-natal
care on my cellphone.

Does anyone know why?

No. I didn't even know you
started getting your period.

[Sighs]

Do you know why I'm
getting pre-natal care ads?

No. I was just driving
by, saw everybody's cars,

thought they were doing
an intervention on you,

and wanted to grab some of the beers

before they threw 'em all out.

Well, if anybody's
looking up pregnancy stuff,

remember, we all share
an Amazon account.

And I'm only asking because I want

to make sure we weren't hacked.

Well, ya got me.

Why would you look up pre-natal care?

Oh, one of the busboys at the Lunch Box

got his girlfriend pregnant.

Why couldn't the guy
look it up on his own?

Uh, he's married, and he and his wife

also share an Amazon account,

so he didn't want her to find out.

See, we're not the only family

dealing with this very real issue.

I... I read that on, um...

Uh, uh, CNN.

Uh, which one of the busboys is it?

'Cause I'm pretty sure
they're all single.

Hey, let's just get back
to why we're all here.

Dan, you're a hopeless
drunk, and you need help.

♪

Okay. Please tell me

you're just checking out pre-natal stuff

because you want better nails and hair.

I wish I could.

I took three tests.

- I'm pregnant.
- Oh, no!

And you probably don't even
know who the guy is, do ya?

That was your life, not mine.

I know who it is.

- It's Kai.
- The drifter poet guy?

Okay, this is a small
town. People are gonna talk.

We're gonna go with you don't know.

So how did this happen?

I thought you were on the pill.

Well, I was, but it made me feel crazy,

so then I switched to the patch,

but I know it's not always
effective right away,

so then I started using
a period-tracking app,

but then I got rid of it

because Roe v. Wade got overturned

and I didn't want Big
Brother spying on my ovaries.

And then I found a
calendar in the house,

but it turned out it was from ...

Okay, okay, okay.

The... The baby's gonna be
here before this is over,

so I'm guessing that
you're really scared.

Yeah.

And I definitely wasn't
ready to tell anyone,

so thank you for covering
for me at breakfast.

Yeah, you're welcome.

But you know you're gonna
have to tell your mom.

[Sighs] So not ready for that fight.

She already thinks I'm
totally irresponsible.

This will just confirm it.

Harris, your grandma got knocked up,

your mom got knocked up,
your aunt got knocked up,

so you haven't broken
the curse. [Chuckles]

Although, you are the first
one to do it with a hobo.

You've opened up a whole
portal we didn't know existed.

No, what I'm trying to
say is, I'm here for you.

♪

- Hey.
- Hey. Oh, okay, so I went over the bills.

If I take care of your share
of the mortgage this month,

that uses up the money I
earmarked for utilities,

so what would you prefer, m'lady?

Heat or TV?

TV. All the sister-wives
are leaving Kody,

- and I'm right in the middle of it.
- [Door opens]

Hey, uh, can you do

Beverly Rose's tie-dye project with her?

It's due tomorrow, and
I have class tonight.

[Sighs]

- Sure.
- Thanks.

Oh, wait. You got the rent?

Yes. No.

But I will, soon.

That's a lie.

- Goodbye.
- Wait, Becky.

We're really behind. We need the money.

I'm sorry. I had to buy new school books

and clothes for Beverly Rose.

I have about $ in change
in a jar in the garage,

but you're gonna have to fight

the snarling hell-beast to get it.

So something might eat
my face, but I'll get $ ?

By the time it gets through the beard,

it'll get tired and take a nap.

- You'll be fine.
- [Door opens]

How come the sister-wives
have a better life than I do?

[Door closes]

Thanks for making dinner, Grandpa.

Yeah, Ben took the late shift,

so I had time to slow-cook some chili.

Harris. Beer?

Oh, no, thanks.

I had one, like, an hour ago.

Someone else can have that.

Oh, come on. That chili's pretty spicy.

You're gonna need a
cold one to wash it down.

Damn it, Dan. Get off her back.

Stop pushing your dirty
liquor on everybody.

This isn't Prohibition, Jackie.

Here, have some bathtub
hooch to wash down your chili.

I really don't want
one. Thanks, Grandpa.

- Oh, my God. You're pregnant.
- Happy, Dan?

Once again, your drinking
problem spills onto the family.

Now everybody knows that a hobo
knocked up your granddaughter.

I'll take this. Oh, sorry.

Why didn't you tell me?

Well, I just wanted to be sure.

I've taken three tests,
and they're all positive.

Well, I think we're all
missing the point here.

Harris passed three tests.

We should talk about this.

I know there's gonna
be a lot of yelling,

and that kind of stress
is not good for my IBS.

No, Mark's right.

This whole family always
skips over the talking part

and goes right to the yelling.

I haven't made any decisions yet,

so I would appreciate it

if we could just not do that right now.

Fair enough.

We'll all give Harris
time to think about this.

And once she wants to
hear what we have to say,

- she'll ask us.
- Thank you, Grandpa.

- Yeah, thank you.
- And while you're thinking,

I want you to seriously
consider keeping this baby.

Yep, I'm leaving.

♪

Look, I know this is a shock
and you're probably feeling,

"There's no way I'm
ready to have this baby,"

but we've all felt like that.

There's never enough time,

there's never enough
money, or enough anything.

You just make it happen,
and somehow it all works out.

You know, that's really
easy for you to say, Dan,

because you had Roseanne.

There were two of you.

Or, no, wait, I take that back.

There was only one.

Roseanne was raising the kids,

and you were hiding out in the garage.

Hey, I was always on property.

Can I jump in here?

Harris, my opinion is that

you need to go with your gut on this,

and I think I know what
your decision is gonna be.

- How do you know?
- Because if Harris wasn't pregnant,

there's no way she would be
thinking about having a kid.

Harris, I love you, I don't
think you're prepared for this.

I had to make this choice
when I was your age,

and I knew that I wasn't ready,

and it was a decision
that I've never regretted.

So if you decide that
that's what's right for you,

I support that.

Oh, thank you.

I appreciate you both.

Could you give me a
moment alone with Mom?

You're way too quiet. What's up?

I am thrown that you feel

this is even something to think about.

You broke up with Aldo
because he wanted a baby,

and that was someone you were
in a real relationship with.

Well, I felt pressured with Aldo.

He made it a dealbreaker,
like the whole relationship

was about me giving him a kid,
and I wasn't ready for that.

Okay, that was just
six months ago, right?

So you're ready now?

Well, it's different now.

Now that it's real, I
can't explain it, I just...

I feel like I have to think about it.

I had unplanned kids at your age

with no partner really helping me,

and it wore me down. I mean, look at me.

I've seen pictures.

You looked like that on Santa's lap.

So, what are you saying?

You're sorry you had me?

No, of course not.

But if I could go back
and really think it through

and choose to have you later
and on way more solid ground,

I would do that.

People who don't have money
who have kids at your age

just continue the cycle of poverty.

I mean, I couldn't keep us
in our own house in Chicago.

When other kids were
getting piano lessons,

you were crouching outside their window

to get free piano lessons. Alright?

You couldn't go to college.

I don't even know how you
would consider doing this.

You know, at the moment,

I swear I would do it
just to piss you off.

Oh, that is so mature.

But I'm not gonna do that

because I'm a lot more
responsible than you think I am.

So I'm gonna continue thinking
very carefully about this.

Yeah, at this point, I
have a lot of questions

about you "carefully"
considering anything.

Oh, that's right. Go up to
my childhood room

that you'll pass on
to your pregnant kid,

and then they'll pass it
on to their pregnant kids.

And while they're watching the
flying cars go by the window,

they'll wonder if maybe
you should've listened

- to their great-grandmother.
- [Door slams]

Oh, you call that a slam?

I once slammed it so hard,

- I broke that thing off the hinges!
- [Door slams harder]

Oh, so you are hearing me!

She's in her room reflecting
on what I just said.

♪

[Door bell jingles]

If you were just b*ating up
a Smurf, you got some on you.

Yeah, the blue and orange dye's
from Beverly Rose's art project,

and the scratch is
from me risking my life

for a jar full of change.

- Possum in the garage, huh?
- Yeah.

You gotta trap him in a sack

and throw him in the neighbor's yard.

Anyway, I heard about Harris.

How ya doing?

How many times do I gotta tell you

about asking about my feelings?

Anyway, anyway, I got
some good news for you.

Oh, please.

I closed the deal with that
contractor friend of mine.

It took some doing, but
it's a big, fat order,

- and it's ours.
- Oh, my God, Dan.

That's fantastic! Ohh!

I'd hug you right now,
but then we'd have to hug

every time things go right,
and that's a slippery slope.

Hey. Ha-ha-ha!

- I'm just glad it worked out.
- [Exhales deeply]

I gave him % off

if he promised to spread the word,

and I'm sure we'll get
more business from him.

Wait, %?

What the hell were you thinking?

I was thinking we needed a big order,

and that's the way this
kind of business gets done.

Is there a problem?

No, I should've just made
you a tie-dye shirt, too,

since you clearly think this
is some sort of hippie commune

where we share the
profits with our customers.

You should've run this by me.

I've been in construction
a long time, son.

- I know what I'm doing.
- [Sighs]

And since when do I have
to run anything by you?

Since I need every dime I can get

because most of your family
is living with me now,

and I'm carrying the load.

And everybody wants something from me.

I'm trying my damnedest to help 'em,

but I can't do it with
you giving away the farm!

I'm gonna assume you got
rabies from that possum

and that's why you're yelling at me.

Don't make any more
deals without my approval.

And I've had my rabies sh*t.

I got it when I married
into this crazy-ass family!

♪

- Hi.
- Oh, your food's by the register.

I hear you're eating for two now.

News travels fast.

I also heard that you're undecided.

I'm lucky I even live somewhere
where I have that option, right?

Ha, amen.

It doesn't make it any easier.

I'm trying to make an adult decision,

but I still just feel like
an idiot kid who got pregnant.

Well, you kinda are.

What do you think I should do?

Okay, I'm not gonna tell you what to do,

but I do know, if Beverly
Rose were right now,

going to school and pursuing
a career would be way easier.

Hmm. I never thought about it like that.

So what you're saying is

you wish you'd had her around my age?

Oh, hell yeah.

I'd have twice as much energy.

And I bet Beverly Rose wishes that, too.

Nobody wants to play tag
with someone lying down.

It's just two people laying
there tapping each other.

♪

[Knock on door]

I come bearing a slice of
Whole Foods organic apple pie

from work.

Someone left it in the bathroom,

but it's still got the
seal on it, so it's good.

Thanks. Ugh!

I'm so stressed out trying
to figure out what to do.

But isn't there some part of
you that's a little excited?

I... I mean, it could be a good thing.

- You think I should have it?
- I don't know.

- I just think you'd be a great mom.
- Really?

You're the first person
who's even thought about

what kind of mom I would be.

You'd be a great mom because
you've already been one.

When Dad left and Mom
had to go work full-time,

you were the one who woke me up,

made my lunch, got me to school.

Sure, sometimes it was
just a can of olives

and baking chocolate...

... but still, I... I always
had something.

That's true.

And, hey, look how tall you are.

- I clearly did something right.
- Yeah.

It'd be criminal if some
kid coming into this world

didn't get you as a parent.

♪

♪

- "Fight Club"?
- Yeah.

I don't remember inviting you over.

I'm only here because our garage gremlin

chewed through the wires
on our washer and dryer.

Sure wish you would've
run that by me first.

- Don't.
- Is that beer from my fridge?

I can't afford to be giving away money.

This ain't some hippie commune.

Okay, I guess I had
that coming. [Groans]

I'm just losing it because
everyone needs so much from me.

You know, I can't pay my bills,

I can't work and do everybody's errands.

I just... [Sighs]

I had to wash my hands a thousand times,

and this dye is not coming off.

I mean, it's just not coming off!

Hey, you're okay.

There, there.

- Deep breaths.
- [Exhales sharply]

I don't know how to be the patriarch.

Patriarch of what?

This ain't "Yellowstone."

I'm serious. It's...

I mean, look, it was always you, right?

You were the guy that everybody
came to for everything,

and now it seems like I'm
supposed to be that guy,

but it's just too much to handle.

Well, it was easier for me
'cause I had years to adjust

to the chaos of having kids
and worrying about money.

You're gonna be great at
this. I know it.

I used to be so cool.

Last night, I hid in the
bathroom and ate a pound cake.

I get that it's harder for you.

I was like this happy little frog

that got tossed into
a tepid pot of water

slowly brought to a boil.

You were the lobster that got thrown in

after it was already boiling.

The truth is, no matter what,
we're both gonna boil to death.

Thanks, man.

If they ever ask you to
man a crisis hotline...

... you should pass.

Hey.

Done with my food
deliveries for the night.

I made $ in tips.

It's all singles.

So I say we go home,
we throw it on the bed,

and we roll around in that.

Alright. We're heading out.

It's not too late to come with us

to the Lanford Film Festival.

There's a gay black-and-white
puppet movie from Kosovo.

It's subtitled, but
I hear it's worth it.

I would, but I just watched

a gay black-and-white
puppet movie on A&E.

Hey. Uh, I just wanted to let
you all know

that I've made my decision,

and I've listened to
everything you all had to say

because I know you all
want what's best for me,

and I just wanted to say thank you.

You forgot something.

Oh, yeah. I'm having the baby.

I have no further comment at this time.

Maybe somebody should
check the train yards

and congratulate the father.

- It's her decision, Darlene.
- Yeah.

- And I have made one, too.
- Mm.

I shouldn't be surprised that
you're doing the exact opposite

of what I think is
the right thing to do.

And I shouldn't be surprised

that you wouldn't be
happy with my decision.

I'm not.

But...

I'm gonna be here for you %.

[Voice breaking] I will help
you every step of the way.

Thank you.

I'm, like, freaking out here.

Yeah, you should be.

- Everything okay?
- Yeah.

- Harris is going to have the baby.
- [Refrigerator opens]

She's going to move in with us.

And we are going to take care of her

like the poverty-stricken,

dysfunctional enablers that we are.

Of course we are.

Congratulations.

♪

I'm so happy you're gonna
help me with the baby.

Uh-huh.

I think if we all take turns
feeding the baby at night,

it's gonna be just so much easier.

- Uh-huh.
- And since you've never had a kid,

it'll be like your first kid, too.

And I'll let you do everything.

Change diapers, give it a bath.

I'm gonna be a free-range mom,

so we're all gonna be chasing after

that little bastard all day.

I'm gonna run to the store
and grab a pound cake.