My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustached face This is The Cleveland Show.
Welcome home, baby.
How as your day?
Fine.
Found a dead rat in the truck.
It smelled pretty bad, but I kind of didn't mind because it was so different from anything else I'd smelled in a while.
You?
Oh, I've just been doing a few things around the house.
Spiral sliced ham and green bottled beer?
!
Have you been reading my wish journal?
You crazy, baby.
I've just noticed how hard my man's been working, and thought he deserved some pampering.
Ho-ho, I ain't wearing no diaper.
And I was thinking, you know that man-cation you've been wanting to take with the guys?
Why don't you do it this weekend?
Now, sit still and let me fix you a plate.
Ham-ham-ham-ham-ham.
She's having an affair.
Ham again?
Don't be naive.
When women do nice things without asking, they're cheating on you.
While I agree with you in theory, I can't believe my Donna would cheat on me.
Then again, what kind of man would I be if I didn't automatically think the worst about a woman?
Hmm.
you been lookin' just like this here wooden boy, and after all that Geppetto had done for him!
Why are you sweating like a whore in church?
Sh.
Don't say "whore" in church.
Is he going to talk all day?
This is why I'm an atheist.
Here come the lightning.
And now, here's some goody-goody kid.
Good morning.
My name is Hunter, and I'm a Churchaholic.
Oh, that is clever.
So clever.
As a member of the church Youth Choir and Mission Team, I can tell you it's not always easy being a Christian teenager.
Just look at our culture.
Lady Gaga?
Where's Lady GodGod?
Justin Bieber?
How about Jesus Believer?
Facebook?
Uh, no, thank you.
I'll take the Good Book.
Is he kidding with this?
Don't say in church.
So the next time you teens want to go online or text, just remember, these hands are made for prayin'.
When my life starts trending downward iChat with my Lord and we Kinect We Kinect If I'm getting trolled by Satan's minions Jesus helps my life autocorrect Autocorrect You can't tweet your way to Heaven I follow Jesus Or text your way from Hell Frowny face We don't need a 4G 'cause our one G-O-D is swell Can you hear me now?
!
Who falls for this crap?
Boy-yoi-yoi-yoi-yoing!
Who's that?
!
If you like the Devil, he will poke you And Foursquare can't locate a soul that's fried No Nano, Shuffle, Pad, Pod or android Will let you Face Time with the big man in the Skype Oh, no 'Cause MySpace is with Jesus Remember MySpace And there's no app for Him That means "application" When you've emptied your last cache Where will your second life begin?
My heart is skipping, but not like when I climb stairs My breathing's shallow, but not like when I sleep Her skin is like a flawless piece of cheesecake Mmm!
She's like Vanessa Hudgens but not as cheap I believe in dragons Elves and beings from outer space But I never believed in angels Till I saw her face.
Aw, crud, was that out loud?
Hi, I'm Cleveland Brown Jr.
I'm Vanessa.
You've got a really nice singing voice.
I also do impressions.
Hello, I'm Tilda Swinton.
You're funny.
Hey, you should join the Mission Team choir.
We're going to spend a week singing at churches and building a house for a poor family in North Carolina.
That's like so poor.
We could use a big, strapping guy with a voice like yours.
I'll do it!
Because I love Jesus.
It's-a pronounced hay-sus.
Well, Donna, I'm off to my man-cation you encouraged so you could be unattended for three days in this home we have built with our love.
Don't you worry about me, baby.
I'll find something to fill my time.
Mm-hm.
That's some CIA stuff, right there.
That's my scarf!
A letter.
Well, time to start anew.
Hey, sweet cheeks!
You goin' with someone?
Yeah.
Gary.
A'ight, then.
'Bout your fat friend?
I'm Gary!
A'ight, I'll catch ya.
Well, I'm off to sing about Jesus and crap.
Kids, you're going to the movies.
No Travolta.
- Ah-ha!
- Cleveland!
Wh-what are you doing here?
!
Well, I'm not cheating on my husband in the house where he pays a third of the mortgage, that's for sure!
Cleveland, I'm not having an affair.
Before you ever came back to town, I dated a guy named Maurice.
We went out a couple times and then he was shipped off to Iraq.
The w*r one?
Yes.
He wrote me letters, and I wrote him back.
You should have heard some of the things he told me.
I don't care what they say on the news, Iraq sounds really unpleasant.
I don't watch the news.
I haven't heard from him in a long time, but then I got a letter saying he was coming back and wanted to see me.
He was fighting for our country.
It was the least I could do.
No, the least you could do is put a yellow ribbon magnet on the back of your SUV.
You are my wife whether you like it or not.
So, when this Maurice person gets here, I'm going to tell him the truth!
Hello.
I'm Maurice.
Who are you?
I'm uh, I'm Donna's brother, Cleveson.
And now I'm gonna have to remember that.
My name is Cleveson.
Hi.
Donna, your friend is shorter than I imagined.
I saw that, Cleveland.
That must be why I haven't heard from him in so long.
Well, the sooner you get in there and tell him the truth, the sooner you can start dinner.
If it's that easy, then why didn't you tell him, Cleveson?
I was caught off guard.
At least I had the presence of mind not to tack on an Irish accent, which you know I could've.
Po-tay-toes.
I want to go all the way with you, my Lord I want to go all the way with you o Heaven!
Great job, everyone!
Jesus loves you!
You sounded really good today, Junior.
Thanks, Vanessa.
So did you.
I really liked your solo about abortion.
You sounded just like a sad fetus!
Thanks!
I'm so glad you joined the group.
See you tomorrow!
So, Junior, I haven't seen you at church before.
Uh, no.
My parents home-church me.
Well played.
Okay then, I guess I'll just see you tomorrow.
Oh, uh, one more thing.
I checked the roster of the Stoolbend High Atheist Club and found out you're the sole member and vice president.
Well, that wasn't very Christian of you.
Vanessa's mine!
So stay away from her.
Understand?
Yeah.
Wait, what is that?
A bobby pin?
What?
!
That's weird.
It sure is.
I mean, why would a 15-year-old boy have a bobby pin in his thick, curly, Mark Feuerstein-like hair?
This bobby pin wouldn't be for a "yar-mul-kay"?
It's yarmulke!
Ah-ha!
Okay, fine!
I'm Jewish, so what?
!
So what?
!
You're doing the same thing I am!
Except your family would definitely be more upset about it.
Look, Junior.
I've been working this Christian angle for a year now just to get close to Vanessa.
I am not about to let you step in now and take her away from me!
Maybe I'll tell her you've been lying.
Maybe I'll tell her you've been lying!
You're a monster!
Yeah, I just said what you said!
Fair enough.
You don't destroy me, I don't destroy you.
But I will defeat you.
And Vanessa will be mine.
I'm gonna need that bobby pin back.
My mother buys them wholesale.
Vanessa, I'm sorry for my web of lies But I love you more than that other guy Like that Jew hunter in Basterds, Inglourious This Jew named Hunter will not be victorious Vanessa, I've never met a girl like you Not at school or any mixer Junior's pursuit of you is through I will not let him take my shiksa We'll look beautiful at the prom I'll introduce her to my mom Eventually Eventually.
What makes you think she even wants you?
Because like Jesus, I am Hebrew Hunter?
You're Jewish?
Yeah, well, Junior doesn't even believe in God!
Junior?
That's true, too.
So, you were both lying about being Christians just to be with me?
Yeah.
Sorry.
Wow.
You guys are bad.
Really bad.
That's kind of exciting.
That's kind of sexy.
Uh, excuse me?
Sex what?
You guys are as bad as bad can be Lying to get a Christian girl Well, now you got her You're totally going to Hell for me We don't believe in Hell.
Oh, that is even hotter.
I've never felt like this before.
When we get to North Carolina, I'm going to tear you two up.
Tear us up?
!
I just wanted to smooch.
Yeah, and I just wanted to take you to the soda fountain for a phosphate.
Ooh, is that like a Jewish sex thing?
'Cause I heard you guys are really kinky.
Not true at all.
Get ready, boys, because when I'm done with you, you will both see God.
Maurice, let me just say that I appreciate your service more than these other guys because I'm a Republican.
And while cowardice has prevented me from serving, I will shamelessly behave as if your sacrifice is my own.
At ease, Billy Ray.
Cleveson, I know we've only known each other for a few days, but I wanted to ask you, Cleveson, would you be my best man?
What?
!
Hells yeah!
I'd be honored.
Who you marrying, BTW?
Your sister.
I don't have a sister.
Donna!
Oh.
Oh!
Oh, Cleveson.
Wow, I am so embarrassed.
I've been calling Cleveson, "Cleveland" for years.
And I didn't know he was married to his sister.
I approve.
Oh, good.
I'm glad you're both here.
Donna, I need to ask you something.
Wait!
Donna, there's something I was going to tell you but I don't remember what it was.
Hmm.
Oh, well, go ahead, Maurice.
Donna Tubbs, will you marry me?
Holy balls!
Oh, right!
Oh, Maurice, there's something I should have told you long ago, but I haven't had the strength.
I'm already married.
To Cleveland.
Who's Cleveland?
Cleveson is Cleveland.
And he's not my brother.
He's my husband.
Hi, Cleveland Brown.
Nice to finally meet you.
You both lied to me?
Well, hers was worse.
You've only known me two days.
I'm just saying.
We are both equally at fault.
I am so sorry.
And you can stay here as long as you need to.
I don't know what hurts worse, when I lost my legs or when you broke my heart.
Well, obviously when I lost my legs, but this hurts, too!
I can't even look at your faces.
Oh, whoa!
He would be awful at Murderball.
I would like to go on record as saying you have made every wrong choice imaginable in this situation.
Maurice, I've got great news!
You're gonna want to sit down for this sah, sah, sah, sah We have arranged for a citywide parade to honor your m*llitary service!
And, you will be presented with the Stoolbend Medal of Valor in a ceremony I will later post on the YouTubes!
You've earned it, soldier.
So, we cool?
No, we not cool!
You think you can just give me some consolation medal and kick me out in the street?
You probably want me homeless, out there washing windshields with a squeegee!
Tell you what, I'll wash your windows right now.
Aw, he's just making it dirtier.
Of course we won't kick you out, Maurice.
You can stay here until you get back on your feet tah, tah, tah Hey, guys.
The three of us can sneak out tonight and I'll do you both in the new house!
You guys are sinners.
And I'm going to suck the Devil out of you.
Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.
I am so not ready to have sex.
I don't even know what I'm doing!
I've never even had a girlfriend.
My mom says she's the only woman I'll ever need.
God, I hope that's not true.
Want to flip a coin to see who goes first?
Sure.
Heads you go, tails I go.
Good luck.
I just hope she doesn't use foul language.
Or hook my nipples up to a car battery.
That ol' prospector's hold up in the mine.
Careful Sheriff.
You hit that dynamite and we're all goners!
Hey, old-timer, throw out your g*ns and come out peaceful-like.
Say something to him.
No, you say something.
You're the man-- you say it.
How about I teach your grandma to suck eggs!
Sir, do you mind?
This is my movie night hat.
It's his movie night hat.
Oh, please be dead.
Please be dead.
Please be dead.
Vanessa?
Get over here, you bad boy.
Um, God?
Look, I know I've said for years that I don't believe in you, but if anyone's used to dealing with hypocrites it would be you, right?
Anyway, if you do exist, this would be a really good time to intervene.
That's what I thought.
Fire!
The house is on fire!
You guys got to get out of here right now!
Thanks, man.
I owe you one.
And gas money.
Guys, can you believe this?
I guess we'll just have to try again tomorrow.
Damn, Vanessa, you're like a goat.
Yeah, I think tomorrow Junior and I are going to be busy rebuilding that house.
Rebuild?
I thought you guys were cool.
Yeah, well, I know another carpenter who was pretty cool, who gave of himself to those in need.
His name was Ty Pennington.
And he's a virgin, too.
I never understood parades.
It's just a bunch people standing around cheering for traffic.
Should I tweet that?
Why not?
You've only got four followers.
Ha!
Parades are dumb.
USA!
USA!
USA!
USA!
USA!
Maurice, we're just trying to say we're sorry.
Sorry?
We're long past sorry.
What else do you want us to do?
I want you to suffer.
You're both awful people.
We only lied to spare your feelings and we apologized.
So, either forgive us or don't but stop being a d*ck!
Well, if that's how you feel then why don't you do something about it?
Stop it!
Make me stop!
Come on!
You just gonna stand there and let me hit you?
Hit me back!
Come on.
You lying pansy!
Hit me!
Oh, my God, I punched a wheelchair guy!
Everybody shut up!
You know, this is the first time anyone's treated me like a man since my injury.
And that's all I ever wanted, Donna.
Just to be treated with respect, like any other man.
I am so sorry I lied to you, Maurice.
I know.
And I forgive you.
Thanks, Cleveland.
Take good care of our girl, okay?
Will do.
Roll on, soldier.
See ya in Avatar.