My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustached face This is The Cleveland Show.
Sleep the sleep of angels, my deviated-septumed beauty, for that is what an angel.
Ah!
But your breath is from Satan's butt cr*ck, so I'm going to gently place this breath strip on your pasty tongue before I kiss you farewell.
How long have you been up?
Got to get in early if I'm gonna avoid being one of Waterman's victims.
But you're not a 19-year-old Cuban boy who sells cologne at the mall.
Humorous, but I'm talking about layoff victims.
There's still rumors they're gonna let people go, and I've been trying to show Mr.
Waterman I'm a hard worker.
Why don't you dress up like a 19-year-old Cuban boy?
Why don't you come up with a new joke?
Come on, Ro.
Why you giving me the silent treatment?
You know I likes it when you screech sweet nothings in my sound hole.
Yeah?
Well, how about this?
You forgot our anniversary!
Oh, come on, girl.
You know you the most important Yo, is that Breaking Bad?
Aw, Malcolm's dad going all gangster.
I loves this show.
It's not about being gangster.
It's about a desperate man facing his own mortality who's forced to do what he must to maintain his depressing ranch house for his depressing family.
Sorry, Kid Cutie.
Ugh!
I'm tired of all your blappity crap.
It's over.
For real.
No, no, Ro-Ro!
Get out!
You heard the lady.
See ya, matzah cr*cker.
He crying.
All right, Roberta, now we can go find you a real man i.
e.
, black.
Leave me alone!
Ugh, she crying.
I got to find her a man.
Siri?
Yes, Rallo?
Can I talk to Black Siri?
I am Black Siri.
Really?
You don't sound Oh, yeah?
How am I supposed to sound?
Uh Just kidding!
What up, playa?
What you need?
Roberta Tubbs, as I live and breathe.
Fancy meeting you here.
What are you doing here, Rallo?
Fro blow.
I'm getting a Flo-Jo!
Well, how about that.
You know Reggie.
Black guy, black guy name.
Whoa.
What?
It's true.
Rallo, I am not dating Reggie.
He wears karate shoes.
Tae kwon do!
What?
Who says you should date Reggie?
We're just talking here.
Shoo, shoo.
Maybe you should date black Muslim Jamaal right here.
Cover your head, woman!
Rallo!
I am not letting my five-year-old brother choose my boyfriend.
Fine.
Pack it up, guys.
Not gonna happen today.
Someone to watch Over me.
Thank you.
I know there's been a lot of scuttlebutt about an inevitable round of layoffs.
But instead of laying off a bunch of people, we are simply going to offer a buyout to one employee and eliminate all health insurance.
So, I am offering a six-month severance package, paid in advance.
Wait, you mean someone is gonna get paid six months to not work?
And, uh, no more health insurance for the rest of you.
That's right.
Whoever is first to sign his name on this contract Now hold on a minute.
He's trying to turn us against each other.
And we're a family here at Waterman Cable.
I've worked here for years, and you're my brother, and you're my brother, and you're my sister.
And I am out of here!
Yay!
We're all happy for Cleveland!
Did you bring your reusable canvas bags?
I ain't Al Gore.
Just put each item in its own double bag and I mean, I forgot my canvas bags in my Prius.
Don't worry about it.
Damn!
Was there a sale on abs or something?
That's very clever.
No, I got in shape this summer building a school in South Africa for the kids that got molested at Oprah's school in South Africa.
I don't suppose you could carry these out for me?
I could do you one better.
Look at me, walking on my own feet like a fat girl.
Whoa!
No way!
Holla!
Game over!
Now, that's a baller.
See, you got a real man now, watching hoops instead of watching old VHS's of Yo!
MTV Raps.
You'll be dunking one day, little man Oh, well, yeah, maybe, then.
Hey, my show's on.
We now return to Breaking Bad.
Whoa.
Breaking Bad?
I heard this show has adult situations.
They trick you because it's Malcolm's dad.
You haven't seen Breaking Bad?
Oh, man, you're in for a treat.
In one episode, they attach a decapitated head to a turtle.
And Malcolm's dad gets half-hearted manual stimulation for his birthday.
Who's the parent in charge here?
On the crapper.
All right, look, starting right now, your bedtime is two-and-a-half hours ago.
Get upstairs, brush your teeth, say your prayers to Jesus and if I hear one peep out of you, I will spank you.
Takes a village.
Wha?
Are you for real?
Upstairs!
Donna, you'll never believe it!
I've been laid off!
Oh, no, that's awful!
No, it's great!
It came with a six-month severance package.
They're paying me not to work.
Oh, that is great.
Because there's so much work you can do here.
Say what?
The gutters need to be cleaned, the house needs to be painted inside and out fix that hole, all the furniture in the guest room needs to be taken to the garage, steam-cleaned, and then put back in the guest room Excuse me.
Donna, you'll never believe it!
I've been laid off!
Oh, no, that's awful!
Yep.
Well, I'm off to look for a job.
You know what I got in this briefcase?
Dreams.
Dreams and loose Pringles.
Mostly Pringles.
So, what's the first stop on your job search?
The plant.
What plant?
You know, the old mill.
What mill?
No idea.
Here's your lunch.
It's last night's fish leftovers.
Make sure to reheat it in the office microwave without much ventilation.
Will do.
Take me out to the job search These are great seats, Cleveland.
How'd you get these tickets?
I bought them.
From a scalper.
How much severance did you get?
Let's just say it had a comma in it.
Exclermation point.
Don't you feel bad lying to Donna?
Guys, I've been working since I was six, when my father locked me in a slaughter house with four cows and a pen Kn*fe and told me not to come out until I had steaks.
I'm just gonna take a breather for a while, because I've earned it.
Besides, I'm not lying to Donna.
I am looking for a job.
Hey, manager, you looking for a third baseman?
No!
All right, then.
Guess we'll just watch the game and keep getting drunk in the sun.
Hey, beer guy, are those lukewarm?
Been in the sun for three hours.
We'll take the tray!
I paid for a look-a-like to carry the other end of the sandwich.
Thanks, Ronnie.
You're welcome.
What does that have to do with looking for a job?
It's called a snack, Lester.
Are you hiring?
No!
You guys hiring?
As a matter of fact, we're about to have an opening.
We are?
Yeah, in the back of your head.
Mamma mia.
Rallo, I think I've been too hard on you, so as a treat, I brought over the current season of Breaking Bad.
DeVon!
Now, I've edited it down to the scenes that are appropriate for a five-year-old, so it's 40 seconds long and is mostly desert exterior sh*ts.
Oh, yeah?
Edit this.
Whoa, you're good.
Well, this is better than nothing.
Let's watch.
No, this DVD is a reward for when you finish your homework.
I don't want to do my homework.
I want to drink a damn beer and watch TV!
Is that you, baby?
How'd it go?
I don't think this country is looking for a hard-working man anymore.
Aw, my poor Cleveland.
Junior, bring your father his slippers!
Rallo, go get him a sandwich.
Tell the unemployed bum to get it himself.
Because of him, I'm eating generic sandwich cookies and drinking water out the tap.
You hush your mouth!
Cleveland's been rejected every single day.
He will not be rejected in his own house.
That's a man there!
Made of sweat and tears and dreams and hopes, cooking in the gumbo of a thousand disappointments.
Never letting on when the pain gets too great.
'Cause even when the giant gorilla of life keeps throwing barrels down at him, and his old, tired, stubby legs haven't got the strength to jump, and there's no sledgehammer in sight, he's still a man to us.
Not a bird, not a puma, but a man.
With three M's, because he's a m-m-man!
What is he?
!
A m-m-man.
What isn't he?
A puma?
A bird?
Did anyone say puma?
Damn right!
And the least we can do is give him a smile and a bowl of soup and tell him, "You're doing fine, baby," even though to this cruel world, he ain't worth more than a meatball that rolled behind the fridge!
So if one were to look behind the fridge right now, there would be a meatball?
When are you gonna tell Cleveland about the second job you took?
Never!
He has enough burdens without having to worry about me working graveyard at the airport.
Wheels up in ten minutes!
Tea time's over, ladies!
Hitch up your skirts and let's get these bags on that bird!
Junior, I need your help.
Roberta's new boyfriend is a pain in my rear end.
He won't let me say the A-word.
Even worse, when the guy shakes hands, he actually regular shakes hands.
He doesn't do the dip-dap-hug-pull-in-elbow- bump-ear-kiss?
No, man.
He's even making me tuck in my T-shirts.
Like, all the way in.
Into my under-ma-pants.
I never thought I'd say this, but things were better when Federline was around.
Where is he?
He's right there, running the gardening club.
This lemon sage is coming in nicely.
Must be all that southern light.
Federline?
It's Gabriel Friedman now, yo.
I mean, Rallo.
What happened to you?
DeVon happened to me.
I can't compete with that guy.
Roberta was right about me.
I was a joke.
You were and you are.
But I need you two to get back together, and she's never gonna take you back looking like a nerdy J-O-O.
Sorry, Rallo.
That's all behind me.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go complain about my back.
Here you are, sir.
Duck confit.
I only have nine dollars.
knew that coming here.
Dude, you already MC Hammered all your severance cash?
Turns out, six months' salary doesn't go as far as you'd think when you only eat duck confit.
So, now that you're broke, I'm fixing to reckon to figure you're gonna need to find a job.
Maybe I can find a job here.
I mean, Donna got a job here.
How hard can it be?
Donna got a job here!
And is here!
Pam, can you refill the waters on my four-top?
I'm in the weeds and I'm loaded up on oxy for my herniated disk.
I admire you so much, Donna.
Working three jobs just to support your family.
Don't talk to me.
We're not friends.
I guess since I told her I lost my income, she jumped to the conclusion that she had to earn more money!
If she sees me, it's gonna be boom-boom-bye-bye-punch-face!
This place is a glass circle.
There's nowhere to hide!
Cleveland?
!
What are you doing out there?
!
I thought you were looking for a job!
What the hell is going on?
!
I- I'm out here on this ledge because because there are no jobs, and it's hopeless, and I'm going to jump!
That's right!
You're looking at a desperate, handsome man who can't think of any other options at this particular point!
That's right, the economy did this to me!
And if someone doesn't give me a job soon, I'm gonna jump!
Excuse me, pi I mean, Officer.
That's my husband Cleveland.
You've got to let me back up there.
Ma'am, I'm gonna need you to step back and take this breath strip.
He's not suicidal.
He's just a victim of the economy, man.
Like me.
No one will hire me just because I have long hair and I'm a sexual predator.
I can't get a job either!
He stands for all of us!
He's our hero!
Yeah, it doesn't take much!
Cleveland!
Cleveland!
Wow, they're chanting for me.
I'm their hero.
I knew this day would come.
I always thought I'd be on stage playing sax with the E Street Band, especially after the big man went down.
But I'm okay being a hero to a bunch of filthy, lazy hippies.
You are my people!
Cleveland!
Cleveland!
Cleveland!
Me-e!
Me-e!
Me-e!
Hmm.
The flyer said this was the discount yarmulke warehouse.
What is this place?
A tribute to your people.
You've lost your way, Federline.
And we're here to help you get back in touch with who you pretended to be.
Just like these innovators.
MC Serch from 3rd Bass, The Beastie Boys, and Robert Van Winkle.
But you might hate him as Vanilla Ice.
It's these brave pioneers who repaved the way for suburban white boys like you to adopt our culture.
And not just music.
The world of film politics and outer space.
But Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon.
Uh-uh!
Commander Dickie Darnell was.
Black people been on the moon since the early '30s.
Who's that hep cat?
Your father, Gabriel.
Dad?
Yes, otherwise known as Jimmy JJ Poitier, which was the name I went by until 1980, when I was sh*t coming out of a Waffle House.
I'm second-generation wannabe?
That's right!
Don't be ashamed of being someone you're not.
Enjoy it, because soon enough, some woman with pretty freckles that later turn into Morgan Freeman freckles is going to come along and turn you into who you really are, which is me.
You're right!
I gotta re-Fedify!
One step ahead of you.
Big ups, Rallo and Jiggy Jiggy Junior!
I'm blap in action!
Ugh!
I'm already done with this.
The real tragedy is there are kids here who should be in school, staying away from dr*gs, eating their vegetables and going to bed early.
Your boyfriend is hot and boring.
I wonder if all these food vendors have licenses.
Oh, God.
Federline?
What are you doing here?
I'm here to get you back, Ro.
You said I'm a joke, but who doesn't like a good joke?
I don't like a good joke.
They tend to be hurtful.
Roberta, you got years before you have to settle for some doo-doo butt chump you got nothing in common with.
It's true.
Officer?
Officer?
There's litter.
Right there.
Rah!
Ha, just messing with you.
Here are those guys you asked to see.
Demanded.
Guys, thank God you're here.
Listen carefully.
I need you to see how cool this is from up here!
Cleveland, you have to come down.
This whole thing is built on a lie.
Yes, but I represent a larger truth.
We are the forgotten!
And I'm not coming down until every one of us has a job!
Making a million dollars a year!
See, fellas?
This is what I was born to do.
Nothing can stop me now.
Call me the Titanic, 'cause I'm unsinka Cleveland!
Don't do this!
I'll give you your job back.
All you have to do is give back the six-month severance I gave you.
What?
!
Severance?
!
Yes.
In cash.
He volunteered for it.
I assumed everything was fine based on his constant Twitter updates on how he was spending the money and not looking for a job.
Hashtag "oops.
" Cleveland, is this bitch for real?
!
Yes.
Hold on, hold on, I can explain!
Yes, I lied.
And I'm sorry, Donna.
And I wasn't looking for a job, I was acting like a slob, and now I look like a knob in front of this mob.
Sorry, I was doing a Jesse Jackson, trying to rhyme my way out of this.
Look, I know I've done wrong.
But come on, who among you would take six-months salary and look for work the next day?
I took a little time for myself.
You know how when you get back from vacation, you say you need another vacation?
Wrap it up.
I say we, the 99 percents, should all go on vacations, and we should do it by taxing the one percents!
You hear those cheers, Donna?
Donna?
Right here.
Yah!
All right, I guess you're really gonna let me have it once I'm safely on the Boom-boom-bye-bye- punch-face!
I'll sue you!
Nice aim with the crash pad.
There was a crash pad?
I did sue Donna.
She had to keep those extra jobs for a while to pay me off.
I was then able to use that money to pay back my ill-gotten severance to Mr.
Waterman, who was gracious enough to give me my old jobback and for no reason, showed me his penis.