My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustached face This is The Cleveland Show.
Rallo, sweetie, I want to make sure you stay warm and don't get scared at your dad's, so I'm gonna pack your feety pajamas and Ray Lewis plush doll.
First of all, it's not a doll, it's an action pillow.
And second, stop babying me.
I'm a man, and I expect to be treated as such.
All right, pack your own damn suitcase.
I'm gonna go waste three hours on Pinterest.
Where you going, Rallo?
East Stoolbend.
It's my weekend with my dad.
Has it been a year already?
You have a dad?
East Stoolbend?
Isn't that a little, uh urban?
I ain't scared; I'm Rallo Tubbs.
I could finish a chocolate milk in one sitting.
Like a man!
Hey, Cleveland, you decide if you're gonna let me take your Garbage Pail Kids cards to show-and-tell?
I don't know.
They are my most prized possession.
I keep them in my finest rubber band.
The wide kind they use to bundle asparagus.
Come on, man!
Pictures of disgusting cartoon kids covered in sores and bodily fluids.
Five-year-olds would eat that up.
Who you telling?
I got all of 'em!
Itchy Richie, Slimy Sam, even the ill-advised and discontinued Really Black Mack.
Man, that is offensive and awesome.
You got to let me take them.
I'll have to check with Junior; they're his birthright.
Don't want 'em!
He's still deciding.
Look, old Brown, you're getting old and you've been fat forever.
You could die from natural causes at any moment.
That's what my doctor told me.
So, the sooner you let me know about those cards, the better.
Dad's here!
- 'Sup, Berta?
- Hey, Dad.
You know, you've never met my boyfriend, Federline.
Hey, yo, what's the haps?
Sorry, Berta.
No, I told him not to do that.
Turns out, by amputating the right leg, I was amputating the wrong leg.
I'm depressed 'cause we're all gonna die.
Don't worry, Cleveland, at least when you die, you'll still have us.
That's a q*eer statement.
No, I meant at the Stoolbend Cemetery.
I bought burial plots for all of us.
Except for Tim, because he wants to be stuffed.
Religious reasons.
I even got plots for your wives.
By the way, Lester, you're now the biggest landowner in the county.
Bah-dum, bum.
You want to go to the cemetery and see the plots?
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah!
G- G-G-Graveyard?
!
Here we are.
Oh, my word.
Wow, I could stay here forever.
Yeah, that's kind of the idea.
Well, I got a working fridge in the back of my truck stocked with beer and beer; we could hang out a while.
That's a great idea!
This is our land now.
We should enjoy it.
One step ahead of you.
Tim.
This has been a perfect day.
Thank you, Holt.
I only want to make you happy.
That's a q*eer statement.
Excuse me.
My wife's grandfather is being buried down the hill.
I hope he was dead first.
Oh.
Continue.
Well, the turnout is pretty low.
Anyhow, I know this may sound weird, but how would you feel about maybe filling some seats at the funeral?
I don't know.
That's pretty creepy.
I'll give you 50 bucks each.
I'm suddenly okay with this.
Rallo, that steak was divine.
What's your secret?
I cook it for four hours on a lightbulb.
Mama says I'm not big enough to use the stove yet.
How ridiculous is your ridiculous mama?
So ridiculous.
Anybody with eyes can see I'm a big boy young man.
Hmm.
Hey, Rallo you want to go to the playground?
Hecks yeah!
Cool.
It's three blocks that way.
Have a good time.
Don't buy nothing from nobody.
You're not coming?
No, I got to go to Baltimore.
In Maryland?
!
I don't know.
Is that where it is?
What am I supposed to do?
You just said you're a man.
You can do whatever you want.
A penis is freedom, man.
You can handle a night by yourself, right?
Yeah.
Y-Yeah, I'll be fine.
Coolio.
Here's some cash for emergencies and the keys to the front door.
The locks don't work, but use the keys anyway so the junkie who lives in the hall thinks they work.
His name's Marvin.
Don't talk to him.
He'll get in your head.
It's spooky.
I'll be back tomorrow-ish.
Be cool.
Maybe I should call Mama.
No.
I'm a man; I can take care of myself.
What was that?
I- I'll just watch TV to get my mind off this.
According to police, the crazy wolf-ghost-witch-violinist is believed to be armed and flying a helicopter, hunting for little boys who look like you.
Hello?
Hello.
You have a collect call from I'm gonna stay in Baltimore another day.
Cool?
Cool.
Don't accept the charges.
Do you accept the charges?
No.
I was hoping he'd bring back some food.
Excuse me, I'm looking for a Souplantation.
Sometimes they're next to Jamba Juices.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Shouldn't y'all be wearing safety goggles?
Who are you?
Oh, my bad.
Rallo Tubbs.
I'm Tyler.
That's Randall.
And that's Snoop.
You guys want to sh**t hoops or something?
We would, but we don't have a ball.
But that kiddoes.
I bet he'd share it.
Fat kids are usually good sharers, 'cause they can't afford to be jerks.
Why don't you go b*at him up and take it!
What?
!
Aw, I get it.
You're busting the new kid's chops.
Go get my ball.
Hi.
I'm Gunther.
Would you like to share my ball?
I love sharing.
I bet you do, Gunther.
Look, this what's gonna happen: I'm gonna take your ball and lightly push you.
You are then gonna fall to the ground and pretend to be hurt.
Understand?
Yeah.
You fat bitch!
Sorry.
Hot wieners!
Uhp, suit up, guys.
Another day, another funeral.
Mm.
Sure is a lot of dying going on in this world.
Let's do this.
Friends, family and "the guys," we come here today to remember Kamal Patel.
Kamal worked hard, sometimes up to ten hours a day, for six months, losing his accent until he became "Brad.
" As Brad, he could make your plane reservations, or help you troubleshoot Windows 8.
And as Kamal, he could make a yellow curry that would make both your mouth and your eyes water.
And much love to his widow Chan drak anta.
Nailed it.
Halle-Hindu-Buddha!
All our times have come Here, but now they're gone Seasons don't fear the reaper Nor do the wind, the sun or the rain We can be like they are Come on, baby, don't fear the reaper Baby, take my hand Don't fear the reaper We'll be able to fly Don't fear the reaper Baby, I'm your man La, la-la, la, la La, la-la, la, la.
Thanks again, Padre, for forgiving me for pushing the fat kid, and for keeping your hands to yourself.
Tell Jesus I'll hit him up later.
That's a nice suit, Rallo.
Thanks.
I got it on eBay.
Peter Dinklage wore it to the Golden Globes.
Y'all go to church?
Yeah.
Church's Chicken.
Now you coming with us.
Here you go.
It does everything your other stuff already does.
I am gonna be so smug about owning this.
Okay.
What was that all about?
Check your pocket.
An iPhone?
You put this in my pocket?
You stole it!
Looks to me like you stole it.
But I'll take it.
Hey!
You kids, stop!
Run!
Be careful with that!
It has a soul!
Throw me the phone!
What, this phone?
Bad move, Rallo.
You gonna pay for that.
Oh, my God, no!
What is happening?
I can't feel my legs.
I'm so cold.
Shh, shh, shh.
It'll be okay.
Dad!
Help me!
I'm being chased by two ruffians and a ne'er-do-well!
'Sup, Montclair?
How's your weekend?
Good, good.
So, uh, c- can you take me home now?
Like, right now?
Yeah, my weekend was good, too.
Thanks.
Manners matter, Rallo.
All right, I'm sorry.
How was Baltimore?
I don't want to tell you now.
Is that a new suit?
Mm-hmm.
Got it on eBay.
Tilda Swinton wore it to the Golden Globes.
Cleveland, the librarian at school told me that you were at her mother's funeral yesterday.
Delores was your friend's mother?
!
Oh, wonderful woman.
Apparently, she had an affair with Pat Nixon but had the decency to keep it to herself.
A real class act.
What the hell is going on?
Holt bought us burial plots, so we've been spending a lot of time at the cemetery.
Then some guy paid us to go to a funeral, so we started doing that.
That is horrible!
Don't worry.
Holt got you a plot, too.
I put you on the end, because that one time you were on a plane you said you liked the aisle seat.
Cleveland, getting paid to go to strangers' funerals is gross and wrong.
I agree, which is why I stopped taking the money.
I just do it now because I enjoy it.
Oh, I should go.
I'm eulogizing someone.
Who?
I don't know.
Some dude.
Cleveland, death is not something to be taken lightly.
It should be feared and avoided, like a pit bull or getting your hair wet.
You know what?
I'm cashing in my "forbid" coupon.
"This coupon allows Donna to forbid Cleveland from doing one stupid thing.
" You know, for a birthday present you called "cheap and lazy," you're pretty happy to have them now.
Got next year's gift.
So let me get this straight.
You b*at up three punk kids and gave that fat kid his ball back?
That's right.
You are the man, Rallo.
I know.
I made East Stoolbend my bitch.
Yay!
Jiffy Pop!
This b*rned.
I don't know why.
Nice place, Rallo.
You miss us?
What are you doing here?
Mama!
Before you tell her whatever you're gonna tell her, maybe you should take a look at these pictures.
Who is it, baby?
Are the Mormons back?
Who are these scruffy kids?
These are, um They're some kids I met at Dad's this weekend.
Hello, I'm Tyler.
You must be Rallo's sister.
Oh, I like you.
Y'all come in.
I just made Jiffy Pop.
I can't believe you guys are in my house.
Well, you left before we were done playing with you.
Yeah, we're part of your life now, Rallo.
That is so sweet.
I should get my camera.
Rallo, why don't you take your new friends up to your room and show them your Xbox or PS3 or Wii or Leap Pad Don't!
Mom!
Stop telling them what I got!
and I'll go make some Rice Krispie Treats.
You owe us for that iPhone, Rallo, and we're not leaving till we get what's ours.
Who are these scruffy kids?
You guys smell like the outside.
What do you want, Cleveland?
I wanted to bring you this.
Your Garbage Pail Kids cards?
Priceless Garbage Pail Kids cards, yes, for your big show-and-tell tomorrow.
Huh, show-and-tell.
That sounds profitable.
I don't think I should.
Poppycock!
Go on, take them.
Now that I've seen my final resting place, I can't wait to die.
And these will be my legacy.
I share them with you.
Huh, fat guys are good at sharing.
Thanks, Cleveland.
That's Creepy Cleveland.
Garbage Pail Kid name.
That's how you're gonna pay us back, Rallo.
You're gonna help us jack show-and-tell.
No way.
I'm not gonna help you steal from my friends.
Then maybe we'll e-mail those pictures to your mom.
All right, I'll do it.
But this is my last job, and I'm out of the game.
You hear me?
I got a family now!
They're counting on me!
These melted.
I don't know why.
Show-and-tell will be extra special today because Rallo brought special guests.
Apartment kids.
Ooh!
I'm telling you, there's no way you're gonna be able to jack show-and-tell.
Mrs.
Lowenstein makes us put all the items in a brown paper grocery bag that she keeps under her desk.
It's like Fort Knox.
You leave that to us.
Your job is to cause a distraction.
During recess, you're gonna play hide-and-seek.
Make sure you're it.
When everyone hides, you act like you can't find them, then we'll sneak in and take the bag.
That's not gonna work.
I'm the hide-and-seek champ.
If I don't find them immediately, they're gonna know something's up.
Don't screw this up, Rallo.
Okay, I'll do it.
Okay, everyone.
After our 40-minute nap, where I secretly lay down with you and pretend you are my own children, we'll have recess and then show-and-tell.
It's go time.
Who wants to play hide-and-seek?
I'll be it.
One, two, three You guys are hiding so good.
I don't know that I'll ever find you.
Donna, I've said good-bye to Brownternity, my burial plot.
I just came up with that name now.
I wish I'd thought of it earlier.
And to apologize for my behavior, I'd like to take you out for a romantic dinner.
Sweet!
I'm gonna go put on my good eating shirt.
Hey, Junior.
I haven't seen you much this episode.
Yeah, I got a bye week.
Man, they took my grandfather's watch.
They took my grandfather's ashes.
This is your fault, Rallo.
You brought those kids here.
Okay, everybody, just relax.
You're right.
I knew they were gonna do this, and I'm sorry.
But come on, did you really think I would let them get away with it?
Not only am I the best seeker I'm also the best hider!
How'd you do it, Rallo?
During nap time, I switched the bag.
It was surprisingly easy.
Now, how's about we have us a good old-fashioned show-and-tell!
Not so fast.
You think you can just trick us like that?
We want that stuff.
No.
I'm tired of you guys bullying me.
This is ours, and you can't have it!
Yeah!
Get out of here, you poor kids.
That's right!
Wait, what?
We don't want trash like you around here.
I bet you drink tap water, like a dog.
Whoa, Hot Wheels!
All of you!
These are human beings.
What's wrong with you?
We hate them because they're bullies and thieves, not because they're poor and underprivileged.
Which is exactly why they became bullies and thieves in the first place!
These poor, broken souls have nothing, and we are so lucky to have everything.
Theodore, let's give them your headphones.
Bernard, let's give them your cuff links.
Hot Wheels, let's give them Nah, they're not gonna want anything of yours.
What about you?
What are you giving them?
These are to my Big Wheel.
It's parked out front.
That was a good thing you did, Rallo.
Uh-huh.
Hello, police?
I'd like to report a stolen Big Wheel.
Those kids was dicks.
Cleveland, if I take this off and see Big Boob June on a futon again, we are getting a divorce.
Here we are!
Oh, my God!
Cleveland, what the hell is wrong with you?
Is this your idea of a romantic dinner?
This is like something Nicolas Cage would do.
Donna, wait.
I know it's strange, but it's important to me that you like this place.
Why?
Because when I die and let's be honest, I'm going first I want you to come visit me and spend time with me.
So I want you to have good memories of us here together.
Wow.
That was actually thought out.
Donna, may I have this dance?
You want me to literally dance on our graves?
Our future graves, yes.
Hey, Donna, you want to join the six feet under club?
I don't need to join, but I'll renew my membership.
Mm.