My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustached face This is The Cleveland Show.
Mama, let me get a candy bar!
I want a candy bar, too.
Wait, I said that weird.
I want two candy bars.
You boys got some candy bar money?
Yes, I put it in your purse.
Oh, honey, I spent that money a long time ago.
Ooh, I hope they're doing Shakespeare in Love.
Cleveland, we're going.
Of course we are.
Go, go.
Football.
Good thing I wore my cup to the park.
Aah, cup's on backwards.
Put it on over my butt.
Let's play football!
You can't keep up with those guys.
You get winded opening your e-mail.
Ha, she said you get winded.
Somebody else talk.
Roberta, watch these boys and don't let them have any candy.
You got some "watch these boys" money?
Oh, sure thing, baby.
Just a dog here.
Unless there's a horny male dog creeping up behind me.
In which case, I'm just a kid trying to steal a candy bar.
I'ma burn you, sucka-punk.
Hut!
Ooh, hammy.
Face!
Bones!
Oh, Donna.
Donna!
Cleveland, did you mess your drawers?
No, thankfully, I had my cup on backwards.
Can you kiss my oucha-oucha boo-boos, Donna?
I'm not your mother.
Will you at least take me to the drive-through for a feel-better milkshake?
Come on, kids.
You know the drill.
Aah!
Where did this come from?
I hope a tree.
Rallo, did you steal this?
What?
Oh, 'cause I'm black?
Well, one of you boys stole it.
And, until someone comes clean, you're both grounded.
Oh, for why?
On whose authority?
And, Roberta, you were supposed to be watching them.
You're grounded, too.
Nah-uh, how you gonna cage a hurricane?
You know what?
Because of that everybody's grounded!
But it's my quinceañera.
You in America now.
Cleveland, you need to know your limitations.
You're playing tackle football with kids half your age.
Some of those boys didn't even have hair on their chest.
Mmm.
Donna, bring me pictures of when I was young and beautiful.
I wish to look at them.
Oh, Cleveland, my poor baby.
Oh, Cleveland, my poor baby.
And I'm hungry.
You're not feeding him?
He's wearing all our food.
I knew one day I'd walk in here and see you on the couch covered in someone's meat.
I need you to take your mama to some country club.
They gonna be hobnobbing and cob gobbling, so naturally, I thought of you.
It's the Silver Sunset Retirement Society's open house and I want to be a member.
Your father can't come because he's spending the weekend putting money on horses.
Yeah, big booby horses.
Well, I'm out.
Bye, dorks.
Bye, Dad.
Please help me, Cleveland.
And on the way, we can stop for a feel-better milkshake.
Can we also go on a tugboat?
Where else would we drink it?
Yay.
All right, you booger eaters, my punishment is being in charge of your punishment.
And I won't tolerate any humping, bumping, krumping, or dumping.
What?
Thanks a lot, Rallo.
I've never been grounded before.
Look, relax, you're squeaky clean.
As long as we apologize, Mama will unground us, time served, and you can go on about your creepy business.
I'm not apologizing for something I didn't do.
You stole that candy.
Fine, then I guess we're stuck here till you change your mind.
Look away.
No, don't.
Get used to this.
Well, at least my physical pain's a little better.
Thanks for that pill, Mom.
The doctors just keep signing the slips.
Well, bang my bottom, look at this place.
Oh, Cleveland, I could have a community here.
Don't you wish you were retiring?
I wouldn't get in.
I'm probably too weak and frail even for these walking corpses.
No offense, Mom.
Yowzers.
What an arm.
That black man can really play.
Well, Lordy-loo.
That was a granddaddy of a throw.
You two must be prospective members.
I'm Neighbors Kellogg, President of the Silver Sunset Society.
I'm Cleveland and this is Cookie.
Well, come on, lickity-split.
The Tournament of Leisure Sports and Reckless Gin Sipping is about to begin.
And with you here, we're sure to have a gay time.
You're gay.
Well, thank you.
Ugh, they're pathetic.
Muhammad Ali could b*at these people.
Heck, I could b*at these people.
And that would earn me a sh*t at Muhammad Ali.
Slam, slam, da-da-da, da-da-da Let the boys be boys Slam, slam, da-da-da, da-da-da Make noise, B-boys Well, it's another one in the gutter one Ghetto running them, troublesome Extra double dumb, I come to b*at 'em Aah!
Now everybody wanna sound grimy I'm gonna show you how, come on, all in together now Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah, that's how Well, wang dang doodle.
Congratulations, Cookie and Cleveland.
Champions of leisure sporting and all things old.
Yay!
I'm out of my funk.
King of the old people.
Anything is possible!
What he's trying to say is, We love it here.
And here loves you and your husband.
She's not my husband.
Of course not.
You're exactly the type of couple we consider for membership here at Silver Sunset.
But Thank you, Neighbors.
My husband and I are honored to be in consideration.
She was a lot hotter when I met her.
Ah!
So, Cookie, how did you and your husband meet?
Uh, well, we actually met in Stoolbend, 42 years ago.
On his birthday.
Oh, oh, oh.
She's right.
We met in a hospital.
In a delivery room.
She had some guy spank my bottom.
Then she took me home to her place and we've been together ever since.
Cleveland, you're adorable.
My favorite animal is a walrus.
Well, I'll be.
I've seen enough.
A toast, to the newest members of the Silver Sunset Society, the Browns.
We'll make it official at the New Members Ball, night after tomorrow.
As for tonight, you've had too many cocktails to drive.
Nine.
So, we'll put you up at the hotel across the way.
I'll book you two lovebirds in the honeymoon suite, please and yes, thank you.
Fancy hotel room!
Chug, ch-- oh, you're done.
It's so great watching a rom-com with you.
Donna never watches rom-coms.
Never even lets me say "rom-com.
" What's this rom-com, Mom?
Oh, they're all the same.
As long as there's a stupid misunderstanding.
And a shopping montage.
And a race to the airport.
How did I get so lucky to come out of a woman like you?
Don't be low-rent, sweetie.
Hi, Donna.
Hi, Donna's mom.
Hi, Cleveland.
Heard you had a little slumber party with your mom.
His mother's the worst.
She's all Oh, Cleveland, I'ma join a fancy-people club where they probably don't let you wear jean pants.
I'm shaped like a potato.
Oh, I think I've seen her around town.
She walk like this?
No, it's more like this.
She has colitis.
Ooh, sticking up for her.
It sounds like your mom's turning into your girlfriend.
Oh, real fair, making fun of me when my mom's not even here to defend me.
Well, just remember, I'm the one you married.
Oh, can you pick up a bottle of wine for Shakespeare in the Park?
Of course.
How else you gonna be any fun?
You got a weird husband.
Who's my dad?
Cleveland, look who stopped by.
Neighbors and his second wife.
I guess they were in the Neighbors-hood.
Get it?
His name's Neighbors?
You better save some of that wordplay for the New Members Ball tomorrow.
And tonight we'd love you to join us for Shakespeare in the Park.
Shakespeare in the Park?
They have that?
Yes, it's horrible.
You two should come with us.
It'll be a double date.
Uh-oh, double trouble with this crew.
I'll bring this bottle of wine I picked up for some reason.
I'm getting strong in lockup.
What're you reading?
We didn't have the Koran, so I'm reading my leather-bound Judy Blume collection.
That girl's called Blubber.
What a fat ass.
Prisoner one and prisoner All right, just say you're sorry and we'll be fine.
I'm not saying sorry.
I didn't do anything.
Fine, then every man for himself.
Now, what happened?
First off, I'd like to say the punishment was fair.
I was even able to earn my TV/VCR repair certificate in here.
Second, we may never know exactly what happened that unfortunate afternoon in the park, but I take full responsibility for my part, whatever it may or may not have been.
That took guts, Rallo.
Junior?
I did not steal that candy bar.
That's it.
Do you think I'm running a clown shop, Junior?
Candy chocolate bar?
Your sweet teeth?
I know you did it.
No.
Rallo, you showed remorse.
You are free to go.
Junior, you fat liar, you are grounded indefinitely.
What?
Hosanna!
Gavel, gavel.
Living room adjourned.
Mama, I let Rallo go.
Is that okay?
Oh, you guys still doing that?
Whatever.
I'm going to Shakespeare in the Park.
If Cleveland ever gets here.
Art though not Romeo and a Montague?
Neither, fair saint, either if thee dislike.
How camest thou hither, tell me, and wherefore?
The orchard walls are high and hard to climb, and the place death, considering who thou art Good tidings, milady.
Cleveland, where were you?
With my mom, Mommy.
We were supposed to go to Shakespeare in the Park.
Uh, Earth to Donna, we were at Shakespeare in the Park.
So you took your mom on my date?
I sat here all night waiting for you.
Also, my mom said the wine you like isn't good.
She said it's cheap.
She said it was for country people.
You know what, if your mom's so great, why don't you go live with her?
Maybe I will.
Or shall.
Anon.
Lear.
Gonorrhea.
Shakespeare.
It's good, right?
Yeah, yeah, I like it.
You want to go home?
Yeah, I've seen enough.
And then she shut the door firmly behind me.
The very same door I watched her sand, stain and install.
How dare she treat my Cleveland that way?
And then she kicked me to the curb.
The curb that I watched her stencil our number on with my own eyes.
You always did have good eyes.
Wow, mac and cheese for breakfast?
I don't know whether to put ketchup or maple syrup on it.
Why not both?
I can't make these things for your dad because he has high blood pressure.
I do, too.
I just don't care.
Thanks for being there for me, Mrs.
Brown.
Well, thanks for helping me get into the Silver Sunset Society, Mr.
Brown.
Your lunch, Mr.
Brown.
Thank you, Mrs.
Brown.
What do we got today?
Oh, okay.
Mac and cheese.
Again.
I know it's your favorite.
Yep, used to be.
Good memory.
Oh, so guess who I ran into at the market?
No idea.
Gina Hefner.
Uh-huh.
And she told me a very interesting thing.
You remember the Hefners?
Uh-huh.
Well, you remember Trudy Hefner?
Never heard of her.
I think she was a couple years younger than you.
- Yeah.
And her brother ran track?
Okay.
They had a parade for him, I think.
What?
Oh, and that's the family that used to walk everywhere.
Remember, that we would see?
I do remember that we would see them.
Ah Shakes off the tackle, he's on the 15 Snack time, Mr.
Brown?
That was the end of the game, Mrs.
Brown, and you can't pause a 1975 Zenith.
Here, I made you a little mac snack.
Well, I just ate lunch Now eat it quick, 'cause I'm taking you to the fabric store.
I'm making you some new pants.
Cleveland!
Are you done going through those boxes of your old stuff?
Still doing it, Ma.
Been down here a minute and a half.
Woman's got no concept of time.
You want to come with me to the beauty parlor?
Kind of beauty parlored out.
All right.
Well, I'll be back after I stop at the store to pick up some more mac and cheese.
Ugh.
Finally, I can get out of these stupid homemade pants.
Cleveland, I forgot to ask She pursued me.
Hey, hey, hey.
What if I was this guy?
Look at me, I'm eating sand.
What would you do?
Uh, what?
Sorry man, my mind is somewhere else.
Does it have anything to do with why Fatty Smalls is staring down at us and crying?
I should be in there, too.
I'm done playing with you.
Clean up the sandbox and drive yourself home.
You make me sick.
Mom?
Yes, sweetheart?
Off-color terms for a woman's privates include: and most offensively,.
Hey, man.
I couldn't let you serve out this sentence alone.
So, is that top bunk taken?
Junior?
You sleep on the floor, 'cause you're my bitch.
Please don't knock my teeth out.
You're five, you'll grow more.
Mama!
What?
It was me.
I stole the candy bar.
Junior had nothing to do with it, I swear.
Please, let him go.
- Rober?
- Fine by me.
Thanks, Rallo.
But do let me know when your teeth fall out.
Walking down the stairs.
Entering the room.
Put all your bits away.
Mom, we have to talk.
About us.
Cleveland, why aren't you ready for the New Members Ball?
Because I'm not taking you.
We need some time apart.
What?
!
I can't go to the ball alone.
I ain't Sandy Bullocks.
No, I'm not going.
We can't keep playing this game.
It's not natural.
It was Adam and Eve, not Adam and Mrs.
Huh, what was Adam's last name?
They never tell you.
Probably had a Jewish last name.
I'll just steal this suitcase.
Turn around Every now and then I get a little bit lonely What have I done?
And I need you now tonight And I need you more Lordy-Lordy-loo, I'm very sorry to hear about Cleveland's terrible motorcycle death.
But that was Cleveland.
Forever young.
Mom!
Mommy!
I'm here.
I'm sorry.
Go away, Cleveland, quick.
Now just what in the heck is going on here?
First you're married, then you're dead, and now she's your mom?
Yes.
Settle down, it's not what you think.
I mean, have we shared a bed lately?
Sure.
Why, you're nothing but a dirty, rotten mother lover.
It's true.
I love my mom.
And why wouldn't I?
Moms treat us best.
They say we're tall and handsome, they touch our socks when no one else will.
And they save our drawings.
This guy knows what I'm talking about.
He came with his mom tonight.
That's my wife.
Aah, sick.
My point is, it's okay to love your mom.
Tell her so, right now.
Come on, take out your phones, give 'em a call.
Our moms are dead.
No heckling.
What do you say, Neighbors?
Won't you let her into your stupid club?
Mmm, very well, if she's willing to pay the $6,000 initiation fee.
$6,000?
!
Cleveland, please pay the $6,000 initiation fee.
Would you accept an unintentionally used and toothy seamstress mannequin?
Please and yes, thank you.
Now let's go home, Cleveland.
I'm a potato.
Wow, Donna was dead-on.
Oh, my God, Donna.
Oh, what have I done?
And I need you now tonight And I need you And I need you more than ever Dee Dee, where's Donna?
I'm sorry, Donna got tired of waiting for you.
She's flying to Paris to start life anew.
Her flight leaves in 15 minutes.
Who was Donna's father?
And I need you now tonight I picked the wrong night to break in these new penny loafers.
And if you only hold me tight We'll be holding on forever And we'll only be making it right No, Donna!
My moon and my stars.
Hey, baby.
I couldn't get on that plane, Cleveland.
I love you too much.
Also, I don't have a passport.
My mom keeps my passport for me, along with the rest of my important documents.
But as much as I love her, I can't have sex with her.
Donna, you're my wife.
And there's nothing I can do about that.
Oh, Cleveland.
So you're done dating your mom?
Yeah.
Good, then I won't have to run off with your dad.