03x21 - March 15, 2001

[bunniefuu]

Drew: good evening, everybody, and welcome to "whose line is it anyway?" On tonight's show -- he sh**t, he scores -- greg proops.

A hole in one -- wayne brady.

Back, back, back, back, back -- colin mochrie.

And go-o-o-al! Ryan stiles! I'm drew carey, your host.

Come on down.

Let's have some fun! Hello.

Hey, hey, hey.

Welcome to "whose line is it anyway?" -- The show where everything's made up and the points don't matter.

That's right.

The points are like 90% of your mail.

Big show for you tonight.

We got a lot to get through.

We're going to start with a game called "weird newscasters.

" This is for all four of you.

Uh, greg greg, you're the anchor of a local news program.

No, I'm not.

Oh, I see.

Colin, you're the co-anchor.

You're a talking parrot.

Wayne brady is doing the sports.

You're an aggressive old drunk who used to do the sports.

Yeah, and? Yeah, I know.

The weather man is ryan.

Uh, ry-- ha ha ha.

Ryan, you are your favorite performers siegfried and roy.

And you're in the middle of your act, which is going dangerously wrong.

So whenever you hear the music, greg, take it away.



[ Music plays ]

Good evening.

Welcome to the action news.

I'm sick of "survivor.

"

[ Audience cheering ]

These are the headlines -- psychic convention cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.

Now it can be revealed shakespeare's plays were written by a neighbor named skip -- you don't know him.



[ Squawks ]

I'm a daddy.

Would you like a cr*cker? There's a cr*cker.

That's a good co-anchor.

Now it's time to throw it over to our sports desk with wayne.

Wayne, what do we have in store for us this weekend? In today's sports it appears that the bucca-- the bucca-- the buckets of chicken -- ha ha! I'm going to turn your little squawky ass into chicken!

[ Squawks ]

I just want to use this -- I just want to use a second to pontificate because the sports -- sports are not what they used to be.

I-i was the one --

[ Burps ]

So have respect.

That's all I'm -- that's all I'm saying.

If -- if you have feet back to you.

I'm okay.

I'm a part-time stuntman.

That's a good one.

That's a good one.

Well, if there's one good turn, it deserves another, and it's time to turn to weather.

Let's find out if the skies are going to be cloudy or sunny.

What's going on over there, ryan? Ryan? Who are you calling ryan? I am the great roy! We have a spectacular weekend in store! Isn't that right, siegfried? Yes! Yes! Yes! We have rain, but in the summer, we'll be back.

Back! Back!

[ Growling ]

Aah! Oh, my god! What's happened to you! Back! Back! I must -- the lion's come after us! I know! What shall we do? Give them something else! Ta-da! Back to you! Well, that's all the time we have in the news tonight.

Tonight, on "nightline," ted koppel's special guest -- satan, the lord of darkness.

That's all the time we have.

Good night.



[ Buzzer ]

You guys' impressions are getting better and better.

I know.

And wayne sounded like if bill cosby and richard pryor had a kid it's me!

[ Mumbling as bill cosby ]

Because sometimes you put the

[ Mumbling as bill cosby ]

I've been doing jell-o sh*ts! Ha ha ha! All right.

Got a show going.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Excuse me.

Let's go on to a great game.

I love this game.

This is called "2-line vocabulary.

" This is for greg, ryan, and colin.

Come on, boys.

Now, here's the story on this game.

They're going to act out a scene.

However, ryan and colin -- I'm only going to give them two lines.

They're only allowed to say one or two lines through the whole game.

Colin, your lines are, "I didn't know you had one of those," and the other line is, "that's completely disgusting.

" Ryan, your lines are, "god, I love you," and the other line is, "how does that feel?" Now, that's all these guys are allowed to say through the whole scene.

Greg can say whatever he wants.

Ryan, you're the president.

You've just been caught with a woman, and you've called in colin, your female press secretary, and greg, his adviser, to resolve the crisis.

So, whenever you're ready -- those are your two lines -- take it away.

You called for us, mr.

President? God, I love you.

I'm awfully fond of you, as well.

That's completely disgusting.

It's just a handshake, ann.

How does that feel? Well, it feels all right.

Thank you.

God, I love you.

See, you pay the man a compliment, and he loves you.

I didn't know you had one of those.

I didn't know you saw it.

Anyway, mr.

President, you've brought us in to solve a problem, I understand.

God, I love you.

Well, I appreciate that, sir.

I have very strong feelings for you, as well.

How does that feel? Wellhearty is how that feels.

God, I love you.

Well, I'm awfully fond of you, as well.

I never noticed how well your pants fit.

Listen, we need to brainstorm here.

He's in big trouble.

That's completely disgusting.

No, not that kind of trouble.

I didn't know you had one of those.

Will you put that down? That's the presidential beer! How does that feel? That's completely disgusting! God, I love you.

My god, you're right.

That is completely disgusting.



[ Makes a fizzing sound ]

How does that feel? That's completely disgusting.

Oh! Sir, I don't think we have time for this nonsense.

God, I love you.

He's gone over the deep end.

You have any ideas? I didn't know you had one of those.

I told you before, of course I have one of those.

Everyone here has one of those but you.

How does that feel? That is completely disgusting!

[ Buzzer ]

All right, we'll be right back with more "whose line.

" Welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?" Or as they say in spanish, "ã¿donde estã¡ mis pantalones?" Hey, you know, during that break, I installed a new safety feature on my suv.

Yeah, took off the tires.

We're going to play a game now called "party quirks.

" This is for greg.

Ryan, colin, and wayne, you're going to be the guests.

We gave ryan, colin, and wayne each a strange quirk or identity -- something to act out at the party.

And greg has to guess who they are at the end of the party.

So, whenever you're ready, start the party.

I got my jell-o, I got the cheese nips

[ Doorbell rings ]

Hello, wayne.



[ Giggling ]

You -- you're a lot older than I remember you.

It seems like I -- hey!

[ Doorbell ringing ]

Would you keep doing that for a while? Hello.

Hi, colin.

Welcome to the party.

How old are you? Uh, 40.

Oh, right.

Have you met wayne? He's a guy who enjoys fondling people.

Don't call me a man.

There shouldn't be any dogs here! Snap! He's grandma klump.

He's -- he's grandma klump.

You're so close.



[ Doorbell rings ]

He's not grandma -- oh, yes.

None of that, none of that.

Hi, hello.

Ryan! How are ya? I'm good.

How are you? Hey, I think, uh I've, uh, I think there's, uh I got a couple of frien here.

You mind if I just come in and have a look around, see if I can find them? No, yeah, come on in.

Is that all right with you? Ho ho ho.

Whoa! Boy, you could bounce a porter off that one.

All right.

You dirty old lady you old lady who is a pervert drew: close enough.

Yeah.

What is he? An old lady.

Just an old lady? No, that likes tight butts.

Um, all right, come on in.

It's raining pretty bad out here.

Mind if I come in for a little while? Come on in.

Listen, i, uh

[ Doorbell rings ]

I wonder if you've met ryan.

He's all the animals getting onto noah's ark.

Close enough.

Yes, close enough.

He thinks he's a series of animals -- it says here, "the third of each animal species," but it's close enough.

You'll never get it.

A third of each animal species? Well, colin, it looks like it's just you and me.

How about a beer? You're a bigtime wrestler nope.

Where is he working? Where is he working? Yeah.

He throws people out of something.

What is it? I know what you are now, but I'd like to draw the tension out.

You bouncer you.



[ Buzzer ]

Drew: yes.

1,000 Points to everybody but wayne, who suddenly doesn't think my butt is tight enough.

Now, baby, you know I'm playing, baby.

You know I'm playing, girl.

Too late.

It's too late.

Now, come on, you little pirate.

Where'd you hide all that booty? You can't sweet-talk me now.

Let's go on to a great game called "greatest hits.

" This is for colin, ryan, and wayne with laura hall, linda taylor, and ann king.

And what I need from the audience is a suggestion of what you wanted to be when you grow up.

Nurse! Teacher! Proctologist! Nurse.

That's a good one.

We'll do nurse.

Woman: prost*tute! Hey.

Call me when you grow up! Ha ha ha! Colin and ryan are going to be tv commercial pitchmen, talking about the latest compilation album they're trying to sell.

They're going to make up names of songs, and wayne's going to try to sing them.

And the name of your album is "songs of the nurse.

" Hi.

We'll be right back to our documentary on impotence -- "shaken, not stirred" -- in just a second.

Hey, col, what do the initials r.

N.

Mean to you?

[ Pager beeps ]

Why, they are the initials -- think about it a while.

I was.

They are "registered nurse.

" Either that, or "really 'nnoying" without the "a.

" Oh, I didn't know that.

Yes.

You know, colin, nurses are misunderstood, yet they do such services for people throughout the world, and we've got 400 songs on one cd.

They're packed right in there -- "songs of the nurse.

" Oh, yeah.

You know, colin yes, ryan.

As you know, I've vacationed in jamaica once a year for the last 20 years.

Why do I go? Is it because of the sun? It's because of the music.

I love reggae.

I get down and jiggy with it.

"Jiggly"? I didn't know that.

I thought it was jiggy.

Jiggly? And one of my favorite reggae tunes of all time is "$400 bill.

" Come again now I know you're coming inside to the doctor come again, now listen now, now you said it was exquisite you come inside, you see the doctor, nurse for a visit oh, man, now here's the best part of the drill now you are cured, here is your bill you don't have to be dumb, you don't have to be a scholar what, I broke your leg, now pay me $400 don't you understand, man? Can you endure? $400 Is the cost for your cure no, give me $400, not $300, $200, not $100 because if you don't you understand the nurse will have a g*n understand this now, don't you understand this? Give me all that money, what, I'm talking to you, man oh, no, it's not funny I am the nurse, I want my money $400 I want the nurse come on now, give me all the money don't you understand? I might be a tiny nurse, but I'll kick your ass, man give me the money oh yo e yo give me the money give me the money give me the money one more time give me the money I got a lot of money it just seems like "songs of the nurses" never stop.

You know, nobody gets the plight of the nurse across more than a rapper and a wrestler.

How right you are.

And that's why this next duet is especially stirring.

I'm talking, of course, about wyclef jean and the rock and their rendition of "I'm tired of wearing white.

" All right, come now wyclef jean sing a song for you are you ready, rock? Can you smell what the rock is cooking? Come again now, come again now now, listen to me, baby, now, listen to me, rock come, come the doctor wearing a smock do you want to stand that man all night? Because look at me, man, I'm dressed in white I'm tired of that, I'm tired to do ya understand I want to be dressed in fuchsia maybe green, can you explain why is this white driving me insane? I don't care if you're dressed in white I don't care if you're dressed in white I don't care if you're dressed in white I don't care if you're dress--

[ Music stops ]

Now we end.

If you flip the cd over, the rest of that song's on the other half.

What comes to mind when I say the words cubs and white sox? Banana splits.

They tried introducing them during doubleheaders in the '80s.

It just didn't work because when you threw it, the banana would slip out, and you'd be hit with ice cream.

Okay.

At least in the park I was in.

We'll get you some more medication after the commercial.

But, you know, on that cd set, colin, is one of my favorites -- oh, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me! That rockabilly hit "I wish I were a doctor.

" Hey, folks I don't mean to be rude I just want to see people in the nude that's right, ma'am or sir I'd love to check your temperature I wish I was a doctor I wish I could do that I could dress up in a smock and talk to people stat here, near, or far brother, I could be in the e.

R.

That's right, see, for me, I could shock people with electricity I'm a doctor, oh, I'm a doctor oh, listen to me, a big d-r I'm a doctor a doctor, doctor, I'm a doctor I can be a doctor we'll be right back, find out who the winner is.

Don't go anywhere.

Hey, welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?" Tonight's winner -- greg and colin.

Greg and colin are the co-winners.

They're going to relax, and the three of us are going to sing a song to christina here, who we've pulled out of the audience.

Now, we're going to sing a broadway song.

We're like a strange 3-headed broadway star, making up one word at a time, as if we had three heads.

And we're going to sing to christina.

What we need is a -- fill in the blank this -- you fill my life with what?

[ Audience shouting ]

Jell-o, I heard.

You fill my life with jell-o.

It's a hit broadway song, "you fill my life with jell-o," to christina here.

You fill my life with jell-o it makes me smile so mellow eat more jell-o so I can love you every day I look into the mold and think of you dear funny how I love you but I need jell-o too lime orange banana raspberry too wiggle jiggle

[ Shivers ]

That's what I like 'cause I love you as you need jell-o jell-o pudding jell-o puddin' puddin' that's jell-o for you you you ryan: thank you so much.

We'll be right back.

Take it easy.

Thanks, christina.

Welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?" Tonight, we're going to have everybody read the credits.

Guys, I want you to read the credits as aliens looking down from their spaceship.

Thanks for watching, everybody.

We'll see you next time.

Good night.

Look.

Look down there.

Dan patterson.

Dan patterson.

Clearly, an inferior life form.

Wayne brady and greg proops.

They look something scrumptious.

Mmm, he certainly does.

Look, there's keith richmond and jeffrey ross.

Julie rhine.

I have never noticed someone named sanfilipo before.