04x06 - February 12, 2002

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Whose Line Is It Anyway?". Aired: August 5, 1998 –; present.
American improvisational comedy television show, and is an adaptation of the British show of the same name.
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04x06 - February 12, 2002

Post by bunniefuu »

And welcome to "whose line good is it anyway?"body, On tonight's show, nuts to you greg proops.

Go suck eggs wayne brady.

So's your old man colin mochrie.

And stick it where the sun don't shine ryan stiles.

And I'm your host, drew carey.

Let's have some fun.


Hi, everybody.

[ laughter ]

Welcome to "whose line is it anyway?" The show where everything's made up and the points don't matter.

The points are just like four out of the jackson five.

Ho ho! If you never saw the show before, You'll get the idea pretty quick.

We're gonna get started with a game called "weird newscasters.

" Colin, you're gonna be anchor of a local news show.

You're the anchor.

Greg, you're the co-anchor, And you're the dominatrix that colin has hired for the evening.

[ audience hooting ]

Wayne, you're doing the sports.

You're an outraged secretary desperate to find out Who left the photocopy of their butt in her "in" tray.

And when I say "'in' tray," I mean the thing that sits on your desk.

Ryan, you're doing the weather.

You're about to die, And your whole life flashes before your eyes.

How appropriate.

Take it away whenever you hear the music.

[ dramatic intro plays ]

Welcome to the 6:00 news.

I'm your anchor, yassir yassir three bags full.

[ applause ]

Get down on your knees! You gelatinousSpineless Worthless piece of garbage! Who's a bad boy? I'm a dirty anchor! I'm a dirty anchor! Who says the bad words on the news? I say the bad words, madam! Not good enough, worm! Slap! Oh! More! More, ma'am sir.

Can't make up your mind, eh?

[ hisses ]

Oh! Hey! I'm trying to cut down.

You make me sick! Now sports.

[ applause ]

Thank y'all for watching the program.

Um, before I go on and tell you folks about the sports tonight, I just have a little question.

Last night, we had a little party, and everything was great, And folks came, and it was nice, but, um, What the hell is this?! Okay, when I took this job, I took this job Because I thought this was a nice, decent company! I didn't come here to see nobody booty all over this paper! I got the johnson account to worry about.

I put it out.

Ooh crack! No! Somebody is paying for this If I have to go through every employee in this company!

[ laughter and cheering ]

Get up! Get up right now! No, no, you heard me! Oh, no, you heard you lookin' at me! Excuse me.

You need to get excuse me.

Stand up, please.

Stand up and turn around.

[ laughter ]

Is that it? Is that it right there? 'cause you oh, no, you will get fired! You will get fi Hold on.

[ laughter ]

That's you! I'm watching you.

Back to you.

Sports is over.

What are you gonna say now? Oh, it hurts so good! Over to weather! Well, let's let's make the weather quick, Not that I really care about the 5-day forecast.

Got rain coming in.

I remember the first time I saw rain.

What a life it's been.

Push! Push! Waaah! Waaaah! Waaah!

[ laughter and applause ]

Would you like to come to the prom with me?

[ humming ]

What are we fighting for grenada for?! I don't even want this country! oh, we'll do another hoedown this makes 300 now

[ sings indistinctly ]

hear another hoedown, it's coming out of my head before I do another, I'd rather be d*ad Ohh! Ahh! Ohh! Oh! Lick that stool! Lick that stool clean! Lick it clean! That's right.

Well, that's all the news we have for today.

Tomorrow, same time, same news.

Good night.

[ dramatic music plays ]

[ buzzer, cheers and applause ]

And, ryan, I didn't know you fought in grenada.

Oh, yeah, I did two tours there a week.

[ laughs ]

What an amazing fact.

I didn't know that.

Not the country.

The car.

Oh, yeah.

That was great.

Now we're gonna play a great game called "the hats.

" Colin and ryan, come grab a box of hats.

Greg and wayne, come grab a box of hats.

[ applause ]

This is a game that goes back and forth really quick, And they have to use their hats To come up with as many examples as possible Of the world's worst dating-service video.

World's worst dating-service video using your hats.

Take it away, colin or ryan.

Hey, if I can keep a soufflé up for hours

[ cheering, buzzer ]

[ sighs ]

all right, that'll be $12.


[ audience groans ]

For the taxi-cab ride! You guys are horrible.

[ laughter ]

Why? Because I can.

[ buzzer ]

Ding! I'm hot for you.

[ buzzer ]

No, let me give you a tip.

[ buzzer ]

[ irish accent ]

you'll be after me lucky charms.

[ buzzer, cheers and applause ]

If I don't come in less than 30 minutes, I'm free.

[ buzzer ]

[ cheers and applause ]

[ muffled ]

I'm not into protection.

Say it again? I don't think they heard you.

Oh, could no one hear me? Maybe it's 'cause of this


mask I'm wearing.

At this point, I'd even take a ho, ho, ho.

[ buzzer ]

I'll be your little brownie.

[ buzzer ]

[ laughter ]

Oh, you can measure me, but you won't be throwing me back.

[ buzzer ]

We'll be right back with "whose line is it anyway?" Right after this.

Welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?" The show where everything's made up and the points don't matter.

Hey, ryan? Did you know you can get massages over the internet? They're not bad, but you gotta use your own hands.


[ laughs ]

let's keep the show going With some really funny stuff called "greatest hits.

" This is for colin, ryan, and wayne, With laura hall, linda taylor, and anne king on the trumpet.

Now, I need a tricky suggestion, audience.

Give me a suggestion of what you're going off to do What people do when they first leave home.

College! College! College.

Drink! Whoo-hoo! College, drink whatever.

Same thing.

So whenever you're ready, take it away songs of college.

We'll be back to our panel discussion on heart problems In "the angina monologues" in just a second.


"angina" I'm not even sure what that word means.

You know what? You would if you'd gone to college.

Well, I quit high school halfway through To serve my troops in grenada.

That's a good excuse.

I didn't fight.

I just served my troops.

Because you didn't have a college education! That's right, and we've put 50 songs about college life Onto 50 cds.

How many cds is that a song? Well, that's

[ laughter ]

[ cheers and applause ]

It's a good thing you're an actor.

[ laughs ]

hey, colin, what comes to mind When I say "ricky ricardo" and "great cigars"? Oh! Tapioca!

[ laughter ]

Really? Why's that? Wasn't that his big song? tapioca tapioca

[ laughs ]

No, colin.

I'm talking about cu

[ laughing ]

[ laughter and applause ]

I'm talking about cuba, col Cuba.

That's a small island.

It is.

[ laughs ]

[ laughing ]

why don't you tell the people about it? You know what, ryan? Why don't we just leave cuba behind for a second? Let's go to another island, An island where some of my favorite music can be found Ska.

Ska! It's like a bunch of crows.


[ laughter ]

tapioca No.


And who can forget that great ska college hit "ra, ra, ra, ska, ra, ra.


[ ska music plays ]

yeah, yeah come again, now because you see, man, let me give it a try I belong to a place called sigma pi because every time we coming, we come along we're stupid college kids, so we sing this song ra, ra, ra, ra, ska, ska, ska, ska ra, ra-ra-ra, ra, ska all right, ska, ska, ska, ska, ska, da da da da because I'm kind of crazy, because I'm kind of loco I listen to cuban music, I love tapioca ra, ska ra, ra, ska that's all I say I say ra, ska whoa, ra, ska Toga!

[ cheers and applause ]

Hey, colin, answer a question for me if you will.

What comes to mind when I say "tapioca"?

[ laughter ]

The magical country of cuba.

Right you are! That's right, the cuban m*ssile crisis, the bay of pigs, Which, oddly enough, Is the same name as a bar I drank at last night.

And who could ever forget that wonderful cuban number-one hit, "alma mater, alma fater.


[ latin music plays ]

[ cheering ]

[ laughs ]

because I don't understand exactly what people says because I know that I can join your fraternity because I'm a lifelong pledge because it was the fraternity that my father for before and I know that you cannot ignore when I come up to the front door alma mater of me father alma mater of me father because you can lock me out so I start to shout tapioca-a-a-a ohhhh

[ cheers and applause, buzzer ]

How do they do it? 1,000 points to the band and wayne brady.

How about that, huh? Aren't they great?

[ cheers and applause ]

Let's go on to a game called "film dub.

" This is for greg, colin, and ryan.

This a good game.

[ cheers and applause ]

What happens is we picked out a piece of film earlier.

We took the audio out, And greg, colin, and ryan are gonna make up the words To whatever's on the screen there.

The scene I'd like you to improvise Is celebrating a special occasion.

We're getting divorced tomorrow, and I want a special meal! Yes, right away!

[ chuckles ]

oh, darling, I hate you so much.

This is such a wonderful night.

Let's spend it together.

Oh, dear, nobody hates you oh, I forgot! I was gonna bring a knife to put in your back.

Oh, that is so thoughtful of you.

Have you tried your drink? It's poison.

Where's here, try this! My goodness! A centipede! How thoughtful! It's exactly what I wanted.

Come here, my darling.

Hey! Happy divorce! Happy divorce! Look! The cake is burning like your love.

I hope it's made out of g*n like I asked you.

I'm paying for it! I want it! Here, honey, get real close.

Blow out the candles.

If you get close, you can blow.

Watch this! Foof! If I'd done that when we were married, we'd still be married.


[ laughs ]

[ laughs ]

[ laughs ]

[ buzzer, cheers and applause ]

Thank you very much.

1,000 points apiece for you guys.

That was great.

Let's go on to a game called "show-stopping number" For colin, ryan, and wayne and laura hall and linda taylor.

Laura hall and linda taylor.

What I need from the audience is a boring place to work.

Bowling alley! Tollbooth! Tollbooth.


Colin and ryan are gonna start a scene.

Wayne, you're gonna join them later.

When I buzz them, Whoever's talking has to break into A big show-stopping musical number Based on the last line that they said.

Take it away.



This is so boring.

Hey, we're raking in a lot of cash for the state.

That's all that matters.

You know what? I'm gonna wallpaper.

I'm gonna put a little wallpaper, Make things a little brighter.

We don't have the money for that.

In the bucket there.

You're right, we got tons of money here! We could just scoop it out! Look, I'm rich! Well, you're not rich.

We're gonna use it to buy wallpaper.

[ buzzer ]

[ lively music plays ]

I love my little tollbooth yes, sir, that is the truth I'm gonna put a little paper put a little paper put a little paper there You're right! We've got tons of money! We've got tons of money, But it's kind of like stealing, isn't it? Hey, we're government.

You're right.

Put it in your pockets.

Hope nobody notices.

You say a word about this, I get arrested, You're done for, my friend.

What, are you gonna hurt me? I'm too tired to hurt ya!

[ buzzer, lively music plays ]

I've taken the money, but I am not on the take I just find it hard to stay awake oh, boy, I'm sleepy I could use a mocha I crack up when I hear "tapioca"

[ cheers and applause ]

[ imitates tires screeching ]

Johnson tollbooth inspection committee.

Now we've done it! We weren't expecting you Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sure, sure, sure, sure.

25, 27, 28 55 cars.

There's money missing from here.

Uh Ching, ching, ching, ching, ching.

Hey! That's just my ching collection! It appears that your ching collection belongs to the state, And your butt belongs to the state as well!

[ buzzer, lively music plays ]

because you'd better listen because I'll tell you, boss because you're going upstate just like you're going to oz and don't you see? You understand? just listen to me you're butt's gonna be the finest chick in the penitentiary

[ cheers and applause, buzzer ]

We'll be right back after this.

Don't go away.

welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?" Tonight, we picked a fake winner wayne brady.

Wayne brady's the winner tonight.

[ cheers and applause ]

So the rest of us, We're gonna do a game for you called "world's worst," Whereby we stand here on the "world's worst" step And come up with as many examples as we can Of the world's worst what, wayne? You are doing examples of the world's worst priest or rabbi.

[ laughs ]

[ yiddish accent ]

hold him steady.

I've had a drink.

[ buzzer ]

What is exactly is a lap dance?

[ buzzer ]

[ imitating bill clinton ]

yes, I heard your confession.

I don't think you had sex with that woman.

[ buzzer, cheers and applause ]

I understand.

You've slept with three women.

He slept with three women!

[ buzzer ]


Well, say 10 hail marys And the "gilligan's island" theme.

[ buzzer ]

If you'll turn to your hymn book, page Go.

Go! Go! Go! Go!

[ buzzer ]

[ speaking latin ]

Uh Ix-nay on the in-say.

[ buzzer ]

[ imitating jerry lewis ]

if you gimme the knife and the baby, I'll give it a little cut with the hey!

[ buzzer ]

Jerry lewis as a rabbi?

[ snorts ]

[ laughter ]

[ buzzer ]

Today, I'll be delivering the sermon as john wayne.

[ imitating john wayne ]

in the beginning

[ buzzer, cheers and applause ]

Hello, my flock.

I like big butts, and I cannot lie those others can't deny

[ buzzer ]

We'll be right back with more "whose line is it anyway?" Welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?" Tonight, we're gonna end the show With greg proops reading the credits.

I want you to read the credits As a dominatrix disciplining the other three, And while you're doing that, You're gonna tell us all about your past clients.

Thanks for watching, everybody.

Good night.

Get down on the floor, you worthless slugs! Mark leveson there's some great memories.

Now, that's a worm.

Now spank each other! You spank ryan.

Both of you, get up! Can't you hear me?
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