34x14 - Carl Carlson Rides Again

[bunniefuu]

♪

(SNORING)

(SNIFFING)

Marge is making chili? (SNIFFS)

Con carne? (GASPS)

Dinner for breakfast.

She finally looked at
the suggestion box!

Aw. Aw. Aw!

Marge, where's the smells I smelled?

This chili was for poor Ned,

after he broke his arm
falling off our roof

when he went up there
to get your baseball hat.

Do you know how much
I paid for that hat?

(GROANS) Ned can't cook for a few weeks,

so I've started a meal train for him.

"Meal train"?

- (SCREAMING)
- (CHEWING LOUDLY)

Homer! A meal train
is when family and friends

set up a schedule to
bring homemade dishes

to people in need.

Hmm. Coming up with a fake injury

to get obscene amounts
of free food, you say?

No, I don't say!

- Hmm. Hmm.
- And stop stroking your chin like that.

(GRUNTING)

Poor Barney, so sorry to hear
about your treadmill injury.

Yeah, it's my fault for
being so addicted to cardio.

Well, my chicken enchiladas,

which aren't from the freezer aisle,

should ease your suffering
as only homemade can.

Bless you, ladies.

Let the healing begin.

(CHEWING LOUDLY)

Remember, Moe, tomorrow you've got

"foot shredded in garbage disposal."

Oh, yeah, I'm gonna be
swimming in sympathy meatballs.

This scam is genius.

Yeah, people like doing charity,

but they love posting about it.

- (HOMER CHUCKLES)
- BARNEY: We are wretched.

Uh, guys, this has been fun,

but, uh,
bowling season starts in a week.

I didn't think this was
physically possible,

but we're not even in bowling shape.

I'm jumping off this meal train.

(MOUTH FULL): You will be missed.

(GROANS)

(GRUNTING)

- Mm-hmm.

♪

(LAUGHS) Haven't needed
a belt in a while.

Well, big old mystery buckle,
it's been a long time.

Yeah!

(CHEERING FAINTLY)

Ah...

♪

(SPRAY CAN HISSING)

(COUGHS) Look, I'm just here

for my friend's kid's
birthday party, okay?

And you're telling me
that I have to put on

other people's funky shoes?

CARL: Oh, I wouldn't worry about that.

That spray he uses... super toxic.

Some might say in-toxic-ating. (LAUGHS)

So, Carl, you're good with
wearing pre-stank rental shoes?

Oh, no, I own these babies.

Also, my work shoes,
my Crocs, orthotic inserts,

pretty much all my footwear,
own 'em all, free and clear.

Ooh, fancy.

You know, you're kind of sweet,

in a super chatty,
shoe-splainy kind of way.

I'm Naima.

Whoa, now,
that is some serious belly bling.

Oh, this? I needed something
to hold up my pants,

so I immediately thought: belt.

Thank you for walking me through that.

So, Carl, maybe I'll see you around.

W-Wait!

Give me a chance to show you

why bowling is America's
slowest-dying indoor sport.

I'll even get Franco here to
unbox a new pair of Lane Janes.

Well, it's a good thing you
are cuter than these shoes.

Come on, let me show you my world.

♪ I, I, I... ♪

♪ I'm scared to death
that she might be it ♪

♪ That the love is real,
that the shoe might fit ♪

♪ She might just be my everything ♪

♪ And beyond ♪

♪ Beyond ♪

♪ Space and time in the afterlife ♪

♪ Will she have my kids,
will she be my wife? ♪

♪ She might just be my everything ♪

♪ And beyond. ♪

Oh.

(BOTH GIGGLE)

Could I see you again?

Um, how about Friday?

Ooh, we could have dinner
at this place I know,

'cause I own it...

The SoulHouse.

My nephew just made this commercial.

♪ Soul House ♪

♪ Our grits are cheesy ♪

♪ And our gumbo's got okra ♪

♪ You'll get towed if you
park at Springfield Yoga. ♪

There's a -minute
version on his Soundcloud.

It's really explicit.

Then I'll meet you at SoulHouse.

- Where's it at?
- It's on our side of town.

Between the Jazz Hole and the
First Springfield AME Church.

(LAUGHS): Yeah, of course.

Our side.
I mean, where else would it be?

Uh, guys, I just met the one.

The one person here willing
to go out on a date with me.

- (KISSING NOISES) - (OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
- Wow, way to go.

(SINGSONGY):
Someone's not gonna die alone.

So that's why you abandoned us

and made us lose to the
worst team in the league.

Good game.

b*tches.

♪ SoulHouse. ♪

Wow, that is
the most sexually graphic song

about collard greens I've ever heard.

Yeah, Naima's really something.

Business degree from Howard University,

sings in a gospel choir,

and she's in a Salt-N-Pepa cover band

called "Pepa-N-Pepa." Oh, man.

What if she doesn't think I'm,
you know, "Pepa" enough?

Oh, I get it, like Peppa Pig.

Never mind.

How about a haircut to
boost your confidence?

I got the clippers set to "Carl."

(SIGHS) Nope.

I think this time I'm
gonna switch it up a bit.

If I'm going to make
the right impression,

I need to go somewhere
I've never gone before:

our side of town.

So, which one of these is you?

I have no idea.

Got it.
"The Identity Crisis," number seven.

Thank you, sir. High-top fade.

Tight on the sides. Line it up.

Bartholomew, my man.

You are a regular here?

No one gets it right like Clarence.

Wow, look at all these
great bald guy options.

I think my head could rock
the Michael Jordan on the top,

but around the sides...
got to be the Ving Rhames.

I can't decide.

Which haircut would this
beautiful woman want to kiss?

(OVERLAPPING OOH'S)

You think I can pull off "The Denzel?"

What you need to pull off is

that country junkyard hubcap
holding up your Dockers.

(LAUGHTER)

Yeah, why don't you put that buckle

back on that manhole you stole it from?

(UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER)

(JOINING IN WEAKLY)

Who knew there was so much
ribbing at a Black barbershop?

- _
- (HUMMING)

- _
- Hmm?

(GROANS)

Hmm...

What about this old-school Kangol?

Dare I Samuel Jackson my new Denzel?

What's my look?
I don't know. I don't know!

Carl, look, you can tell me.

Is there something going on
that you need to talk about?

(SCOFFS) No.

Oh, thank God!

But if I was going through

a deep questioning of my inner self,

do you think I could fix
it with different clothes?

Oh, for sure.

I mean, I was a lost soul

before I found this white
shirt and blue pants.

Let's find the outfit
that'll make Naima look at me

the way that Marge looks at you.

- Worried?
- Blindly in love.

♪ You're so chic ♪

♪ Oh, I love the way you do it ♪

♪ You're flossy ♪

♪ Like the way you move ♪

♪ You're so chic ♪

- ♪ Just take half a look at you... ♪
- (RECORD SCRATCH)

Who said you could do
a dressing room montage in my store?

If you're not gonna buy anything,

then get your
yacht-rock-listening corny asses

back to Starbucks.

Oh, come on, you got to help my friend.

He needs a new look by tonight.

Huh. What's a square like you
doing with an oval like that?

(SIGHS) I get it, the buckle's not cool.

Every time I wear it I get razzed.

Savagely razzed.

Tell you what, you trade me that buckle,

I'll take all this
wrong and make it right.

CARL: Naima's worth it.

Now, can you make me look real?
You know, authentic.

Yeah, I got the perfect outfit.

♪ She shines me up
like gold on my arm ♪

♪ I want to take it slow ♪

♪ But it's so hard ♪

♪ I love to see her face ♪

♪ In daylight ♪

♪ It's more than just
our bodies at night... ♪

Naima, this place is amazing!

- When did you open?
- Um, years ago.

My great-grandparents started
out selling gumbo off of a cart.

They gave free samples out to the kids,

you know, just poured it
right into their cupped hands.

That cart, it became
my favorite table in the house.

Wow, that's a lot of history,

and, uh, ancestors, and, uh...

flavor.

So, tell me about you.

You know, like,
what are you into besides bowling?

CARL: Don't talk about Moe's.
Don't talk about Moe's.

- Lenny!
- Who's Lenny?

- Ah, just my friend from Moe's.
- Oh, that's cool.

I see you're into the Black Panthers.

Oh, yeah. Totally. Wakanda Forever.

No, Huey P. Newton,
the guy that's on your shirt.

Oh, right. Him.

My man, Old Huey P.

to .
Early life and education...

(CHUCKLES) Are you googling
him under the table?

No, I was, uh,
just looking at this dope kale.

Those are collard greens.

Right. I love all the urban veggies.

Urban veggies?

Okay.
You embarrassing yourself right now.

Look, I'm sorry. I'm new to all this.

New to being Black?

Yes! I mean, no.

I mean, I'm just trying to
be more convincing at it.

I got the Denzel, I'm wearing
second-hand leather underwear,

and I'm doused in Michael Jordan cologne

and Michael B. Jordan aftershave.

Ooh, wow.
Okay, there's a lot to unpack there.

Look, I liked the guy that
I met at the bowling alley,

and I wanted to get to know him better,

but I don't see how that's gonna happen

'cause you don't know you.

So take my advice...
it's time to figure that out.

I'll have them wrap up
your oxtails to go.

I was eating what?

(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING)

(SIGHS)

Back early, eh? You know what they say,

"The shorter the date,
the more it went great."

No! It was terrible.

All she wanted to know
about was the real me.

You mean self-reflection? Who does that?

Yeah, whoa, whoa, whoa, trust the sign.

- _
- Mm-hmm.

I think I know what she was
getting at, but...

See, it's got to do with...

Nah, never mind.

You guys wouldn't understand.

Sure we would. We're your best friends.

We pee in the same trough together.

We've melted so much ice.

Just say what you need to say, eh?
We got this.

I'm confused about my racial identity!

(OVERLAPPING NERVOUS MUMBLING)

(SLURPING NERVOUSLY)

Hey, I know avoidance slurps
when I hear 'em.

(SLURPING)

No, we're perfectly
comfortable talking about...

(WHISPERS): race.

I mean, I can talk about

(WHISPERS): race...
(NORMAL VOLUME): ...all day.

Oh, me, personally,

I don't even see... (WHISPERS): color.

Look, being adopted and raised
by white folks from Iceland,

I've always felt like an outsider...

not Icelandic enough, not Black enough.

I mean, hey, sure, I'm barfly enough,

but that's not enough.

Hey, barflies have a rich and storied...
(BELCHES)

I don't know anything about my roots!

That stupid old rodeo belt
buckle was the only thing

I ever got from my birth parents.

- (SIGHS)
- The buckle?

But you gave that away.

I know! It-it was a panic swap!

I thought I could get rid of
this sucky feeling of emptiness,

but now it's worse than ever.

If I'm ever going to be with
someone as great as Naima,

then I need to find out who I am.

And for the first time in my life,
the answer isn't in this bar.

(SLURPING NERVOUSLY)

(SLURPING CONTINUES)

- (BARNEY BELCHES)
- (SLURPING CONTINUES)

Carl's never been away
from Moe's this long.

He missed Public Domain Karaoke Night.

How could I sing "Toot,
Toot, Tootsie, Goodbye!"

without my duet partner?

Well, Carl did open up to
you about some big issues.

Just his identity.

My book club book says
it's important to look at

the discomfort you
felt as an opportunity

to "explore
your unacknowledged privilege."

Oh, buzz words.

Have you even called him?

What am I supposed to say?

Let's start with what
you're not supposed to say.

- "My feelings matter, too."
- Said that.

- "sl*very was a long time ago."
- Thought that.

- "But I love Eddie Murphy."
- Lenny tweeted that.

I just want things to be normal again.

Oh, that's on the list.

Doesn't the book have any suggestions

for what I should do?

Hmm. Not to gesture, not to quote,

not to laugh too hard at,
not to think, not to wear,

not to wear on Halloween,
not to sing along to in the car.

Look, Homer. I know you.

You're never going
to say the right thing,

but that doesn't mean
you should stop trying.

_

_

_

Lenny, are you sure you're okay

with selling your vintage suspenders

to buy back Carl's buckle?

Well, the doctor says
I should take a break

because of the shoulder
grooves and nipple abrasions.

You guys had the same idea as me.

You're the best friends a guy
with no sense of self can have!

We're gonna get that buckle back.

I already sold that buckle.

Aw. Who bought it?

I don't know.
Some white guy who talks funny.

Oh, that could be any of
the weirdos in this town.

- Crinkle me kilt!
- Avast!

Zounds, Horatio.

Damn, this place gentrified fast.

Look, I don't know
who bought your buckle.

All I know is I call him the Rich Texan

on account of him being a rich Texan.

I love buckles. Yeehaw!

- (b*llet RICOCHETING)
- (EXCLAIMING)

While that's doing its thing,
let's talk.

My buckle shows a
cowboy wrestling a bull

and kind of... kissing it?

Oh, that one? Ain't no smooch.

He's biting its lip. Bulldogging.

I already flipped it.

Aw! You sold it?

To a pal of mine who's
a real buckle-head.

He said it had a heapin' helpin'

of historical heritage.

Do you think the guy who bought
it could help me find my roots?

Hmm. Well, it's a long sh*t.

Fellas, meet the host
of Finding Your Roots,

Dr. Henry Louis Gates, Jr.

Dr. Gates, you're a national treasure.

Please, at best I'm a regional treasure.

That buckle is a stunning
piece of American history.

What's your connection to it?

Well, all I know is
that after my parents d*ed,

it was in my bassinet
when I was dropped off

at the orphanage.

Other than that,
my heritage is a blank slate.

Solving this kind of life-defining,
soul-affirming

historical riddle is the
reason I created this show.

Tell my next guest he's bumped.

Ah, it's probably for the best.

ANNOUNCER: Finding Your Roots.

With Dr. Henry Louis Gates, Jr.

Carl, when you look at this buckle,
what do you feel?

I just want to know... what gives?

Today,
you'll hear the story that answers

that very question: "what gives?"

_

What got you started on
this journey of discovery?

An amazing woman I met.

Hey, the most awkward guy
I ever dated is on TV.

Ooh, come on, mention the restaurant.

I felt like such a fool

as I left with my takeout
bag from SoulHouse.

- (CHEERS)
- He said it! Ooh, he said it.

Let me introduce you to Ellis.

Ellis! I bet I'm related to him.

I wasn't supposed
to say that yet, was I?

Just act surprised later.

Turn the page.

From this pre-Civil w*r document,
we know that

your fourth great-grandfather
was born into sl*very

on a ranch in Texas.

On what would become the
first Juneteenth in ,

Ellis got word that the
Emancipation Proclamation

had freed the slaves

two years earlier.

Angry and determined,

he leapt onto the wildest
stallion on the ranch

and held on for dear life.

Three days later, and two states over,

that stallion was broken.

But Ellis, who'd been born a sl*ve,

was not only free,

now he was a cowboy.

Really? I come from cowboys?

DR. GATES: My friend,
you come from a long line of cowboys,

right up to Wyatt, your father.

CARL: That's my dad.

And here he is at the
Okmulgee Oklahoma Rodeo.

- (BULL GRUNTING)
- (SPECTATORS CHEERING)

seconds! Unbelievable ride!

What are you gonna do with
your grand prize buckle?

Use it to hold up my Wranglers.
(CHUCKLES)

But then I'm going to
pass it on to my kin.

Folks don't always see us as cowboys,

but when my boy wears this
blue-ribbon belly-badge,

he'll know bull riding's in his blood.

I finally know who I am.

I'm a Black cowboy.

Uh, that's great, Carl,

but does that mean you're
qualified to be doing this?

(BULL SNORTS)

Yeah, what the hell are you doing?

What I was born to do.

Get k*lled by a , -pound super cow?

Guys, don't worry, I got the buckle.

Uh...

Doctor, can't you do something?

Sorry, I see this a lot.

Once, I had to pull Laurence
Fishburne out of a jet cockpit

after he found out his great-uncle was

a Tuskegee Airman.

Naima, you came!

Yeah, I got your suicidal Evite.

- _
- (BULL SNORTING)

Carl, don't do this.

You don't need to prove anything to me.

No, I need to prove it to myself.

Bull riding is in my blood.

(GROANS) That is not how blood works!

Now, get off of that monster
before I come over there.

♪ Black ♪

♪ Cowboy ♪

♪ I am a Black,
I am a Black cowboy. ♪

(SPECTATORS EXCLAIM)

- MARGE: Oh, my God.
- (SPECTATORS GASP)

Genealogy can be a wild ride.

(CHEERING)

(CHUCKLES): I did it!

- I'm a cowboy!
- That was crazy.

Carl, you held on
for three whole seconds.

(WHOOPS) Cowboy Carl!

- (LAUGHS)
- (BONE CRACKS)

Uh, is it supposed to do that?

Don't worry, I'll fix that.

My great-great-grandfather
was a doctor in the Civil w*r.

Get the hell out of here.

One in four cowboys who
settled the Old West was Black.

(CHUCKLES) Oh,
and you know the Lone Ranger?

No, I'm a young person.

Well, he was based on a real guy,
Lawman Bass Reeves.

Maybe it's that you took my
advice and explored your past,

or maybe I just like a man
who does what I tell him,

but I feel very close to you right now.

Me, too.

Oh, and thanks for the O-positive,
by the way.

So, does this make me a cowboy, too?

That's not how blood works.

(LAUGHS)

♪ I just try to be ♪

- ♪ Exactly what you see ♪
- (NAIMA AND CARL LAUGH)

♪ Today and every day ♪

♪ I'm just me. ♪

♪ I was just born to be ♪

♪ Exactly what you see ♪

♪ Nothing more or less ♪

♪ I'm not the worst or the best ♪

♪ I just try to be ♪

♪ Exactly what you see ♪

♪ Today and every day ♪

♪ I'm just me ♪

♪ Oh, I was just born to be ♪

♪ Exactly what you see ♪

♪ Today and every day ♪

♪ I'm just me. ♪

Shh!