10x15 - The Crush

[bunniefuu]

[adult Adam] Back in the
' s, my brother, Barry,

never thought things through
and always took big swings.

Luckily, he found a woman

who could appreciate him for all he was,

his equally eccentric
girlfriend, Joanne.

Ah, the board of opportunities.

So many flyers, so many
dreams, so many drummers wanted.

[Joanne] Ooh! "Do you want to

meet lonely singles in your area?"

"Shapely ladies are
waiting for your call."

I already got the shapeliest
lady on the planet.

Yeah, you do.

Oh, crap! I gotta go.

I'm helping a woman sue the
man who ran over her toe.

It's super gross and jacked up.

I'm totally gonna win. [chuckles]

[whistling]

"Luxury apartment"?

Oh, a reader. Nice.

What's your current
living situation, friend?

I live in my childhood home

and share a room with my little brother.

Sounds like you could
use a place to yourself,

one with all the amenities.

What amenities?

A blonde woman in her
s who cooks for you?

Almost! We have sink and window.

And as a bonus, I'll throw
in easy access to the outside

and all that has to offer.

Sounds great, but
there's only one problem,

I don't have any money.

You don't need money when you
have something called credit.

Let me ask you, Are you familiar with

the predatory lending
laws of Pennsylvania?

- No.
- Why would you be?

They're so dern annoying.

- Blech!
- I gotta think about it.

Sorry, it's a very
competitive marketplace,

- and I have several qualified applicants.
- No!

- I'll take it.
- Good man.

Your swanky bachelor pad awaits.

Quick question, Do you own a cat?

- No.
- Oh, I would get one.

I would get a very large cat.

Okay, let's sign these documents.

- And, no, I do not have a pen.
- I got one.

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless I
feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps
getting clearer every day ♪

[adult Adam] It was
March st, -something,

and my mom was returning
from another fulfilling day

as the Quaker Warden
at William Penn Academy.

Home from school.

We have any Capri Sun?

You know where it is.

Now, tell me all the
news of the outside world,

'cause I've been cooped up
in here with the little one.

Erica, Joe said the funniest
thing today. [chuckles]

Joe... as in Mr. Perott,

the school's guidance counselor?

Joe is so funny.

Now, you wouldn't know this
just by looking at Joe, but...

[chuckling] Today, in
the teachers' lounge...

[laughs]

I dropped my Del Monte
yogurt on the floor.

And then Joe comes by and says,

"Finally, some culture in this place."

Get it? [chuckles]

'Cause yogurt has cultures of bacteria.

Oh, he's so funny, that Joe!

You seem to be saying "Joe" a lot.

We're colleagues. I say people's names.

- Stop being weird.
- It's fine.

Let me make you a snacky,

and you can tell me all
about your little crush.

Ew, um...

[scoffs] The only crush
I have is on my children.

Joe and I are just friends.

Friends, huh?

Well, I want you ask yourself
these three questions,

- Do you get excited being around Joe?
- Excited? No.

Eager and enthusiastic? Sure.

Sleepless energy that
crackles with electricity?

- Kind of.
- Do you do things to get his attention?

Never.

I mean, do I bake him
endless cakes and pies? Yes.

Do I write cute little notes
and put 'em in his cubby?

Of course I do.

Do I make faces at him
in the carpool line?

[chuckles] How could I not?

And, lastly, do you get easily
flustered being around him?

- Absolutely not.
- Oh, hi, Mr. Perott.

- Ah! All the vomit!
- [chuckles]

- You have a crush.
- I have a crush.

Well, what do I do now?

I already rejected him when we
were on the yearbook committee.

Oh, don't worry.

Men are just lifeless lumps of clay

begging to be manipulated.

Watch and learn.

Hey, hon, it's your turn on diaper duty.

And, sorry, it's atomic.

There's the guy I picked.

I just wanted to take a second

before I change the
diaper to compliment you.

Okay, take two seconds.

This fella isn't above
receiving a word bouquet.

Your thighs are looking so attractive.

What? You can see them through
my relaxed-fit corduroys?

Oh, big time!

Have you been hitting that machine

that nobody uses at the gym?

It's always the least sweaty, so, yeah.

Well, hubba-hubba. [chuckles]

I just wish that I had the
time to get some reps in myself.

I must look so gross to you.

Impossible. You are a vision.

Well, maybe I'll just let myself go,

be one of the big ladies
in the "Guinness Book."

You know, they're
smiling in the picture,

so maybe they're happy.

Okay, you know what? I have an idea.

Why don't I just worry about Muriel

and you take all the time
you need to feel your best?

My gracious!

What a crazy idea you
totally came up with.

All right, now hustle off,

'cause the stink is
hitting my nose hairs.

[Muriel coos]

Dumb and done. Good
luck with your crush.

[adult Adam] While Erica
was getting my mom ready

to make a move on Mr. Perott,

Barry was getting ready to move out.

[gasps] I never thought I'd see the day!

You're cleaning your side of the room!

I would never do that. I'm moving out.

Seriously? Don't toy with me, man.

I signed a lease! I'm outta here!

- Oh, happy day!
- [both laugh]

I can't believe it!

You get your own place,

and I get you the hell out of mine!

We can finally take a shower
and get dressed like men

without being mercilessly
teased and towel-whipped!

You could've also just
not done that to me.

I don't care! I've never been happier!

- What did Joanne say?
- Joanne?

When you guys picked
out the place together?

I didn't discuss it with her.
Was that a mistake?

Eh, ignore my question.

Keep dancing.

Nothing can derail this happy moment.

Oh, no! I never even considered her.

Well, don't tell her that.

Then what should I tell her? I know.

I'll tell her I went
to sleep under a tree,

and an apartment was built around me.

It's the perfect crime.

That's a winner, for sure.

But how about starting with the truth?

But a gentle truth,

that ends with a scenario
where you still move out.

Or... I cancel my lease with Calabasas

and tell her nothing.

That's a terrible plan.

But I'll keep packing, just in case.

Oh! There you are!

I've been looking for you everywhere.

Whoa, look who sounds
like my adult children.

I can no longer take the apartment.

I forgot to tell my girlfriend about it.

Look, you have a girlfriend,

I have a girlfriend. I totally get it.

What a relief.

My girlfriend, of course,
is that sweet rent money

that you already gave me,

and we're never breaking up.

Shady dealings from a
landlord? Unheard of.

You signed a contract, mostly
in all the right places.

Unfair. But I'll show you.

Poke, poke, poke.

My germs are all over your grinder.

Please. I've eaten way
more poked food than this.

Next month's rent is due in days.

- days?
- Wow, your touch has really affected

the taste of my sandwich.

[adult Adam] Barry had made a
mistake he couldn't get out of.

Meanwhile, at school, my
mom was trying her best

to get in with Mr. Perott.

But her flirting skills
were a little rusty.

[in singsong voice] Hey!

Here comes Bev with some chicken kiev!

[laughs]

[in normal voice] I don't
have any food with me.

- [adult Adam] Okay, very rusty.
- I don't know.

[adult Adam] So embarrassingly

rusty, she thought about giving up.

- That is, until this happened.
- Hey.

- I wanted to talk to you.
- Me?

- Moi? This gal?
- I just want to say, I really like

that we've been able to move
past the one-awkward-date thing.

Pfft. I... I barely remember it.

And since we're friends,

there's something I want
to talk to you about.

Go on, Joe. Tell me
everything I want to hear.

You know how the Winter
Formal Dance is coming up?

Is it? Huh, I barely noticed
all those banners

I helped make and put up.

And I'm thinking about asking someone

if she'd like to co-chaperone
the event together.

Oh, Joe, stop. No, keep going.

- I don't know how she'll feel about it.
- Go on.

Because I've been getting mixed signals.

She sounds amazing.

And I bet if you were to ask her,

you would get an enthusiastic yes.

Okay. Here goes.

[adult Adam] This was it.

Mr. Perott was gonna ask her out.

Beverly Goldberg was
back on the dating scene.

And... he wasn't talking about her.

Andrea, would you want to co-chaperone

the winter dance with me?

Oh, I'd love to, Joe!

[laughing] Oh, oh!

Holy... [bleep]

Oh, this is great news! And fun!

Let's not leave fun off the table.

Fun and great! Oh! Together at last!

[adult Adam] Yep, my mom
was in the friend zone.

Meanwhile, I had just
finished turning my room back

into a Barry-free zone.

Ad-Rock, I've got a serious problem.

Turns out a lease is a
legally binding document...

Oh, I'm so sad about that!

Like, such a bummer.

Take care now.

What the hell happened in here?

I took the liberty of turning this

back into Adam's love shack.

I don't care what you do
with your He-Man figurines.

I need help.

How many times do I have to tell you

to be honest with Joanne?

For some reason, she loves you.

She'll get it.

But she always thinks about me,

and I completely forgot about her.

Just figure out a way to be
happy together, away from here.

That's it! I'll ask her to move
in with me.

Then I'll tell her I've already found

the perfect place for us to look at,

the apartment I already rented.

She'll fall in love with
it and me at the same time.

- Thanks for the idea!
- Not my idea.

And do you even want
to live with Joanne,

or are you just trying
to avoid a small fight?

It would only be a small fight?

Like minutes, tops.

I'm still not comfortable with that.

Let's move in and live
a life of lies instead.

Have a good day.

- Joanne.
- Oh!

I've been thinking long and
hard about our relationship.

- Oh, noice!
- And I've come to a decision.

I want us to live together,

in our own apartment.

Oh, my God, Bar-Bar!

And I've already lined up
the perfect place for us

to inspect and immediately
fall in love with.

I have wanted us to take this step.

But I also wanted to be sensitive,

since you moved home to be with family

during such a hard year.

Yeah, yeah, all the pain.

But that doesn't matter anymore.

All that matters is us finding a spot,

preferably on the west
side of Walnut Street,

between th and th.

You, sir, are a great boyfriend.

- Maybe the best.
- [laughs]

Maybe.

[adult Adam] Barry's new
plan was actually working.

Joanne was excited
about living together.

That was until they saw the place.

Wow! Look at this palace!

Seems perfect for a couple in love, no?

Sorry, Bar. [sighs] I don't love it.

Come on, Joanne.

- This place has sentimental value.
- How?

It's the first apartment
we looked at together.

Every couple remembers
and definitely rents

the first apartment
they looked at together.

It's so sweet you
want to rush into this.

But let's explore our options.

Maybe get an apartment that
doesn't smell like onions.

Onions are the best!

They're everyone's
fifth-favorite hot dog topping.

I thought I heard a full and
clear conversation over here.

I live next door. The
walls are paper thin.

I hope you like ska music.

Oh, we're not moving in.

Not today? When? Tomorrow?

- Never.
- Tomorrow sounds good.

Be on your way, stranger.

We're still working out the details.

Relationships seem fun.

Hey, here's your mailbox key.

Just drop the rent in number six.

Barry, did you already rent this place?

- No!
- Yes.

- Which is it?
- Uhhhh...

Uhhhhhh...

- Did I answer you yet?
- You did not.

Allow me to clarify, no backsies.

[adult Adam] Yep, Barry
had been found out.

Meanwhile, my mom had found out
her crush liked someone else.

And she wasn't taking it well.

Schmoo, what happened?

He asked someone else
to the dance, Erica.

I hate him! I hate boys!

I hate school!

And I'm never going back!

I know, but you have
to go back, sweetie.

I'm done listening to you.

I'm gonna go up to my room,

and I'm not even gonna
come out for dinner.

That's confusing to me,
because does that mean

that you're not going
to make dinner or...

Of course I'm gonna make dinner.

I love providing for my family.

But I'm not gonna eat it.

- Now leave me alone forever!
- Okay.

Well, I'm gonna give you some space

so you can get out
all your big feelings.

No, wait, don't go. I need you.

- Daughter Bear's right here, pumpkin.
- Mm.

What do I do?

Well, sometimes you like someone,

and they don't like you back.

- And you just have to be okay with that.
- Oh, my God.

That's not what you say.

You say he's an idiot

who doesn't know what
he's missing out on.

There is a way, you know.

What are you talking about?

You think you're the only one

who knows how to play the
game of flirtation and romance?

I'm listening. Tell me how to
b*at the system, wise Geoff.

No, no, no. Don't fill
her head with sunshine.

- Now put the baby down.
- No.

"No"?

What is this "No"? I'm
not familiar with it.

You complimented my thighs,
and you didn't even mean it.

My thighs are amazing.

They taper and bulge
in all the right places.

You know about my flirtation game?

Oh, I know all your moves.

But you don't know mine.

There's only one thing that
gets someone's attention.

- Jealousy.
- [scoffs]

When has that ever worked for you?

Oh, sweet, foolish, naive Erica.

You didn't pay me the time of day

until you saw a little candy on my arm.

Wait, Evy Silver?

I used Silver to get the gold.

Goldberg, that is.

You... played me?

Mom, this can't be who you listen to.

You know, making him jealous
instead of doing nothing

- seems to be the better choice.
- Yes!

Now watch my sweet thighs disappear

as I walk away in victory.

His thighs are pretty amazing.

[adult Adam] Thanks to Geoff's advice,

my mom was off to win over Mr. Perott.

Meanwhile, Barry was worried
he had just lost Joanne.

Come on, Jo Jo Bean.

Please, come out and talk to me.

Yeah, Jo Jo Bean.

If you stay in there another minutes,

I can legally charge you
for wrongful habitation.

You know nothing of the law.

And you. Let me just get the
sequence of events down here.

You rented an apartment for yourself

without even thinking about me.

No comment?

I would like to comment.
Yes. Yes, he did.

And then you realized you messed up

and you tried to convince
me to live in this dump!

How dare you!

I know the dump very well.

Some of my best friends
live in the dump.

And this, madame, is slightly better.

Look, I tried to get
my money back first.

Oh, so living with me
was your third choice?

I didn't want to make you mad.

Oh, so you went through all this trouble

to cover up your mistake,

rather than having the exact
fight we're having right now?

Well, it is unpleasant. Don't you agree?

Hello, happy couple!

Just solidifying you moved out

by dropping off a house warming gift.

Barry, do you even want to live with me?

I don't know what I want.

Well, you'll have plenty
of time to figure it out

when you live here by yourself. And you.

I'm a lawyer, and this isn't
even a legal place to live.

There is lead paint,
mold, improper ventilation,

and probably Legionnaires' disease.

Fine. Barry, I never
would've rented to you

if I knew you knew a lawyer.

- Now everyone is happy and forgiven!
- No, Barry.

I love you, and I don't want
you to be taken advantage of.

But as far as we're concerned,

you have really gone too far this time.

[adult Adam] Even though
Joanne bailed him out,

Barry didn't feel any better.

Meanwhile, my mom roped Coach Nick

- into making Mr. Perott feel jealous.
- [music playing over speakers]

You look lovely tonight, Beverly.

Your dress is sparkly,
like a championship ring.

And you... brought two whistles.

Oh, almost forgot. My lady.

Beverly, you're here?

Joe, I didn't see you there.

Yes, I'm also co-chaperoning this dance

with my big, strapping date, Nick.

- Please, call me Coach Nick.
- That's weird.

I didn't see your name on
the sign-up sheet, Beverly.

Oh, well, you probably didn't
flip it over to the back

where I added two extra lines

for myself and Coach Nick, Andrea.

Does that mean some
of us can leave, or...

Yeah, I guess so. [chuckles]

- Andrea, bye-bye.
- I'd like to stay.

I'm enjoying myself.

Not too much, I hope.

I mean, who chaperones
the chaperones? [chuckles]

I do.

Well, let's just have
fun out there, all right?

That's what losers say. We're gonna win.

- Win what?
- If you don't know, you've already lost.

[adult Adam] And so
began my mom's attempts

at getting Mr. Perott's attention.

She did everything you
do at a high school dance,

starting with this classic.

Stop. Stop.

What are you doing?

I'm not supposed to have
carbs after : p.m.

Now I have to jumping-jack it off!

[adult Adam] Then she took a swing

at good old-fashioned chaperoning.

Hey, kids! Not so close.

Oh, I thought you
were students. [laughs]

Well, either way, good
rule to live by, huh?

Back up a little.

[adult Adam] Of course,
there was also the fake laugh.

And that's why I eat bags
of sunflower seeds a day.

[laughs] Oh, Coach Nick,
you're so funny!

- You're a laugh riot!
- It's not funny, Beverly.

I have a phosphorus deficiency.

[adult Adam] But Mr. Perott
still wasn't taking the bait.

Luckily, my mom had one
last trick up her sleeve.

Andrea...

You need to get out to
the parking lot right now.

Some kids are about
to tip your car over.

- My Buick Regal?
- Get out there, now!

- Go! Scoot!
- Bev, what is going on?

What on earth are you talking about?

Well, you're being rude to Andrea.

Also, you're not chaperoning at all.

This punch is very spiked.

S'all good. [chuckles]

Bev, stop.

What is going on with you?

Fine.

[whispering] I like you.

What was that?

I think you're neat.

I'm not picking that up.

I have a fondness for you.

Maybe just a little
louder over the music.

[loudly] I like you, okay?

- [crowd gasps]
- [music stops]

- Beverly...
- [crowd murmuring]

[sighs] This was a mistake. I'm sorry.

I'll just leave,

and you and Andrea can have a good time.

[adult Adam] Joanne was incredibly hurt.

But there was a new flyer on the kiosk

that just might ease her pain.

[Joanne] "Lost girlfriend"?

Maybe you've seen her.

She's beautiful and smart and kind

and puts up with a lot.

Yeah, she does.

And a flyer isn't gonna
fix everything, Barry.

But maybe two flyers would.

[stapler clicks]

- "Found, idiot boyfriend."
- [Barry] Yeah.

He was wandering around
all sad and miserable

'cause he messed up real bad.

Barry, I think you cut yourself a little

- with that staple g*n.
- Just let me finish.

It's bleeding pretty bad.

No, Joanne.

What's bad is how much I screwed up.

You need to get a rag
or maybe a tourniquet!

- [sighs]
- Do you not feel that?

The only thing I can feel
is the pain I caused you.

At least put some pressure on it

or, like, elevate it over your head.

Exactly. I'm over my head
in love with you.

It's really pumping. I can
tell when your heart beats.

When that apartment came up,

you should've been my first thought.

You're about to have no more thoughts

because you are running out of blood.

I always want to put you first,

and I definitely want to live with you.

That's incredibly sweet,

but we need to get you some
medical attention, like, now.

So you forgive me?

- Yes, of course.
- Yes!

- Bar-Bar and Jo Jo are back!
- [clicks stapler]

Oh, I feel a little light headed.

[Joanne] Sure. [chuckles]

[adult Adam] While Joanne finally

knew what Barry's heart was full of,

my mom was feeling empty herself.

Thank you for coming.

Mom, I'm always here for you.

Being single is so new to me.

And I clearly don't know what I'm doing.

Yeah, maybe we didn't
give you the best advice.

The truth is, dating is hard.

And it's gonna be extra hard for you

because you're starting over.

But give yourself some credit
for getting back out there.

You are brave and strong.

And you are no fool.

Well, one thing I know for sure

is you are gonna be
a great mom to Muriel

when some dumb boy breaks her heart.

["The Flame" by Cheap Trick playing]

[Perott] Beverly?

Oh. Hi, Joe. [chuckles]

I'll be in the car if you need me.

- ♪ Another night slowly closes in ♪
- [sighs]

I always thought these dances were weird

when I was in high school.

I guess not much has changed.

- I'm so sorry.
- Beverly, stop.

I was gonna ask you,

would you consider coming
back inside with me?

Why? So I can sign a legal document

saying I won't come
within feet of you?

No, to co-chaperone.

I don't understand. What about Andrea?

Andrea drank a lot of punch,

and she's lying in the
back of her Buick Regal.

But... I would prefer your company.

♪ I can't believe you're gone ♪

♪ You were the first ♪

I'd like that.

- Let's do it.
- All right!

♪ Wherever you go I'll be with you ♪

[adult Adam] That's the thing
about starting something new.

It can be challenging and scary.

♪ Whatever you want
I'll give it to you ♪

[adult Adam] But if you're
doing it for the right reasons,

with the right people,
it doesn't have to be.

And when you're brave enough to try,

you never know, it might
lead to great things.

♪ ... and head upon ♪

♪ Remember, after the fire ♪

♪ After all the rain ♪

♪ I will be the flame ♪

[chuckles]

They're all so cute, aren't they?

- They are.
- Which one's yours?

The big blonde one.

♪ You were the first
You'll be the last ♪

♪ Whatever you want
I'll give it to you ♪

[sighs]

Where have you been, young lady?

Oh, Erica. [chuckles]

Did you wait up for me?

How was I supposed to sleep,

knowing that you were out
running around in the streets

with God knows who,
doing God knows what?

I just went out with Joe to
get ice cream after the dance.

- No biggie.
- Oh, "no biggie"?

It's a very big biggie!

Do they not have phones at
this ice cream establishment?

Okay, I didn't think...

That's right, you didn't think.

Now go to your room while
my brothers and I decide

what to do with you.

Sorry. I'll do better next time.

Yes, you will, or there
won't bea next time.

- Is that it?
- Well, you're lucky that it is.

Now, tell me everything about Joe.