01x02 - We Can't k*ll People!

[bunniefuu]

[instrumental theme music playing]

[shovel scraping]



- [animals calling]



- [crickets chirping]

Guess what Kelly told me last night?

She and Ben are selling their home.

It's a beautiful property.

Great location, new kitchen, marble countertops.

Detached bonus room.

I think they'll give us the listing.

Joel, sweetheart.

[panting]

The listing.

That'd be great, honey.

We can't be realtors if we don't have listings.

It's so basic.

It's so f*cking basic.

[grunting]

[Sheila]

Oh, my [grunts]



- Would've been nice to have the lid.



- [grunts]

I couldn't find it.

Right.

[grunts]

You'd think it would've been stored with the container, is all.

I can look for it when we get home, sweetheart.

When we get home?

What good would the lid be when our container is stuffed with half a f*cking body, and is buried in the f*cking desert honey?



- You're swearing a lot tonight.



- Yeah, I've noticed that too.

Well, obviously, sweetie, I didn't know we'd be burying the container.

What did you think, honeybunch?

We'd take it home with us and clean it out and use it to store our taxes, which we can't do because it doesn't have a f*cking lid.



- Fine, I won't look for it.



- Oh, sh*t.

Someone's coming.



- [vehicle approaching]



- Oh, crap!

- Who could be out here?



- I don't know.



- Hurry.

Let's get this in the ground.



- [gasps]

Okay.



- [Sheila grunts]



- Aah! [gasps]

Do not bring up the lid.

Come on, scoop this up, get it in the hole.

[grunting and panting]

[Joel groans]



- We can't get caught.



- I know.

Who will take care of Abby?

We can't leave Abby.

I know.

[panting and grunting]

[Joel]

Hurry, get up.

Act casual.

[car engine shuts off]

Really?

This is what we're doing?

Okay, we say we came across this m*rder site and we're just cleaning it up.



- Who cleans up m*rder sites?



- I don't know.

We're Mormons.



- Mormons don't clean up m*rder sites.



- Mormons are helpful.

Yeah, I'm just not seeing it.

Yaaah!

- Joel, no!

- Dad, stop! [yelling stops]

Oh.

Abby, what are you doing here?

I saw the broken toaster in the yard, and there was blood on the lawn, and no one was home, and I didn't know what was happening.

So she came to me for help.

I'm pretty calm in a crisis.

Eric borrowed his stepdad's car.

Please don't tell Dan.

He loves this car.

Keeps it covered with a blanket in the garage, which is how I'll end up if he finds out I took it.



- [sighs]

How did you find us?



- You put that tracker app on our phones.

Oh, yeah, that thing's great.

So I guess we'll see you at home, then.



- Oh, my God, did you k*ll someone?



- No! Jesus! We were out for a drive Yes, I did.

Okay, we're not gonna lie.

Would've been good to know.

He was not a good man, Abby.

He didn't listen to my words.



- [belches]

Stay down, Gary.



- But you only ate some of him?

He weighed, like, 180 pounds.

Ah, the undead equivalent of over

-ordering.

Honey, I did not want to get you or your dad involved in this.

[scoffs]

Your mom is a monster.

I ate someone.

And if you want me to go away, I will.

No one's going anywhere.

Yeah.

Sorry.

The less time spent at a crime scene, the better.

What do you know about it?

My stepdad's a cop and I enjoy the Internet, and the first thing about crime is you don't wanna get caught.



- Did this guy have a family?



- No.



- He moved here, like, a week ago.



- [Eric]

Perfect.

Uh, you didn't eat his keys, did you?

[pop song plays]

We toss Gary's bag, drive his car to Burbank, and leave it at the airport.

Guy like Gary, hopefully, people will just think he skipped town.

That's ingenious.

We should be ingenious more often.

It's kinda fun.

I disagree.

In fact, until we solve whatever this is, I'd like you to meet me halfway.

At least, control some of your impulses.



- I swear, I did not have sex with Gary.



- I believe you.

But I did eat his balls.

Well, one of them.

Does that count as meeting you halfway?

What I meant was, it'd be good for everyone if, from now on, you only ate chicken or beef.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, totally, I agree.

And we need to return the Range Rover.



- Sheila?



- Fine.

I should've eaten both of his balls.

It'd be great if we didn't talk about Gary's balls anymore.

Sure.

They were tiny anyway.

What?

I thought you'd like that.

This will mask any traces of blood.

But tell your dad to dilute it three

-to

-one or he'll k*ll his lawn.



- Intense night, huh?



- [chuckles]

Yeah.

Thank you, Eric.

"Thank you, Eric.

" [pump clicking]

[spray hissing]

[pump clicking]

[spray hissing]

Carl called.

He's mad because he can't find Gary.

Because he's, you know, buried half

-eaten in the desert, without a lid, which I did find, by the way.

I found something, too.

Not as exciting as a lid without a box, but maybe more useful.

There's a virologist at City College who specializes in rare viruses.

I'm gonna go see him, get a second opinion from someone who's not 16.

Okay.

That's great, honey.

But why didn't you tell me that Gary stole the Peterson listing from us?

Well, there was a lot going on, what with you k*lling him.

Well, that couple is going back to the house today, and Carl said if Gary doesn't turn up, which he won't, or, at least, not enough of him to show a house, he wants us to do it.

This is good.

We should get our lives back to normal anyway, so no one gets suspicious.



- Why not show a house?



- I agree.

I'm gonna get dressed and go.



- Whoa, whoa, whoa.



- What?

You're going to see the virus guy.

I'll pick you up after, and we'll go to the house together.

Don't you trust me?

Well, you did disembowel a man and buy a Range Rover yesterday.



- Speaking of the Range Rover

- Which we have to return.

It can't be returned.

[chuckles]

State law.

New automobile sales are final.

Damn you, California, for making us own such a super nice car.

Don't worry, Joel.

We're gonna sell the Peterson house together.

We really need to now.

I love you, Joel.

[kiss smacks]

Thank you for being my husband.

I love you too, Sheila.

We're gonna figure this out.

Yeah, but later.

'Cause right now, I want to hump like a rescue dog at a Rite Aid.

Hey, p*rn stars.



- Oh.



- Gah.

Dan's in the backyard looking at our grass.



- A good development?

I don't think so.



- I'll go see what's up.



- Are you okay, sweetheart?



- Yeah, I'm fine.

I'm 16.

I can deal with sh*t.

By the way, I'm gonna be swearing in front of you guys now.

Fair enough.

And I'm only gonna be eating packaged meats from now on.

We're gonna get our lives back to normal.

We'll just have this little family secret.

Kind of like the time when Dad got himself in the paper for putting out that fire he started.

This isn't hanging a piñata too close to the campfire.

There's a cop in our backyard who could send you to jail for m*rder.

I'm going.

Hey, Dan.

What's up?

Noticed you were spraying your lawn in the night with some kind of chemical.

Yeah.



- We have ants.



- Ants?

Yeah.

You know [snarling]

They don't look like that, but we have them.

And you needed to spray for them at 2:45 in the morning?



- I was up.

I figured they were, too.



- What's going on?

Apparently, Dan saw us out here last night and was wondering what we were doing.

How about it's none of your f*cking business, Dan?



- Maybe that's what we were doing.



- [laughs]

I bet, as sheriff deputy, people don't usually talk to you like that because it only arouses suspicion, where there shouldn't be any.

So we were spraying for ants and that's settled.

Listen, it's not great that you walk into our yard like this.

So let's not do that anymore.

You wanna stay on top of an ant problem, Joel.

It could overwhelm you.

Right but remember my thing, too.

Excuse me.

Do you know where I might find Dr.

Hasmedi's office?



- What do you need him for?



- I just have a few questions.

Fine.

Don't tell me.

I'm f*cking with you, man.

No one tells me anything, so we're cool.

End of the hall, make a left, then a right.

Thank you.

Whatever douchebag.



- Come in.



- Dr.

Hasmedi?



- Yes?



- Hi, I'm Joel Wichita.

Wichita, like the city?

I guess.

I just have a few questions about something that's happening to a friend that I'm wondering if might be a virus and where I might go for help.

[sighs]

Mmm.

[shudders and retches]

Uh

-oh.

So the person's blood is dry?

Not like a powder, more just thick.

Kind of a tar

-like substance.



- Tar?



- Like substance.



- And they only eat raw meat.



- That's right.

And they threw up this.

Hmm.

I didn't have formaldehyde, so I saved it in olive oil.

That was good thinking.

Do you mind if I ask a colleague to join us?

If you think that'll help, great.

[school bell ringing]

Hey.

Wait, why aren't you in class?

After last night, school just seems so trivial.

I could not listen to Mrs.

Flothman talk about the Punic Wars.

So you're just leaving?

Yeah, like the Punics did from Sicily.

Huh.

I was listening.



- [chuckles]



- Who is this?

Oh, uh, I built him for science.

He can walk and talk.

King Robot Baratheon, say hi to Abby.

f*cking thing.

I spent like six weeks on it.



- Well, good luck.



- Wait.

Where are you going?

I have no idea.

I've never ditched before.

Hang on.

I'll come with you.

I know a place we can go.

Okay.

Okay.



- [whirring]



- [computer voice]

Nice to meet you.

You are unbelievable.



- Do you think it's an organ?



- Do you think it's an organ?

It might be.

What do you think it means?



- What do you think it means?



- I don't know.

Death?



- Where'd you get it?



- I told you, my friend threw it up.

Mr.

Wichita, I'd like you to come with me to the fifth floor.

Why?

What's going on up there?

Until we figure out what this is and who it came from, I think it'd be best for you to stay with us.



- You're not a virologist, are you?



- No.



- You're a psychiatrist?



- Yes.

But she's excellent.

[cell phone vibrating]



- Hi, honey.



- [Sheila]

How did it go?

Well, they haven't heard about any outbreaks, but they might be chasing me.



- What's up?



- Carl called.



- And the buyers want to come now.



- Now?

What did you tell him?

To shut the f*ck up.

Oh, God.

You gotta stop saying that to people.

Well, he's always yelling.

I don't like it anymore.

All right, stay put.

I'll be there in 45 minutes.



- Did you eat today?



- I wasn't hungry.

And I'm already at the listing.

Christ.

Okay, I'm on my way.

Try not to swear at anybody.



- f*ck you, I'm not an idiot.



- There you go.

Like that.

I think you should eat something.

You know how you get.

[groans]

I can't eat meat anymore.

What do you mean?

That's all you can eat.

I've been trying all morning, and it repulses me since I've had Gary.

Well, we can't start k*lling people.

We're getting life back to normal.

And k*lling people isn't normal, sweetheart.



- I know.



- Then dig in! What if, once I've tasted human flesh, I can't go back?

Okay.

Maybe it's the freshness of it, not the human

-ness.

Because Gary was super fresh.

Maybe you can only eat an animal if it's just been k*lled.

Could that be it?



- What if it's not?



- What if it is?



- What if it's not?



- What if it is?

All I know is that I'm getting hungry.

You ate yesterday.

Thank you, food police.

You eat every day.

[doorbell rings]



- That's them.



- [sighs]

Let me take the lead.

I really think that'll work best.

Okay, I'll try.

I'm just not sure holding back is my thing anymore.



- What if it is?



- What if it's not?

What if it?

[groans]



- Hi!

- Welcome!

- Where's Gary?



- No one knows.



- Which is so Gary.



- Wild.

Are you feeling okay?



- Totally.



- She's great.

We're gonna take such good care of you.



- Yay.



- Yay.

And you remember the beautiful master bedroom, with south

-facing windows and impossible

-to

-stain texture

-plush carpeting.

Mm, I love this room.

Then you should buy it, along with all the other rooms.

[all chuckling]

Leslie, Bill, what are you doing?



- Excuse me?



- Excuse me?

This is your fourth time here.



- I mean, come on.



- Honey We're just nervous about such a big investment.

Look, here's the deal with life.

No matter how much we want to control it, we can't always know where it's going to take us.

Change is scary.

Right, sweetheart?

Let's look at the kitchen.

Everyone is afraid of change, but when life is screaming, "This is your new truth," you need to accept it, be bold, be brave, and live your new truth, no matter what it is.

[Leslie]

Hmm.

Okay, I would just add that sometimes we may think life is telling us our truth, but we might not have enough information yet.

So, it's important to explore all the options and exhaust every possibility before doing something crazy.

But, of course, you should buy this house.

[chuckling]

[rooster crowing]

Is that a rooster?

Comforting, like being on a farm.

Uh, actually, loud.

Especially first thing in the morning.

[crowing]

Maybe you should go next door, see what that's about.

Check out that very live bird.

Mmm.

I'll do that because I, too, would like to find a simple solution to this problem.

The owners have had a few offers fall through, so they're very motivated.

[rooster screeching]

[clucking]

I'm taking you to the kitchen and I mean it this time.

[chuckles]

I appreciate you ditching with me.

I'm just not sure a comic book store is gonna be my thing.

That's like saying every world you could ever imagine isn't your thing.

This place is great.

You're gonna really like it here.



- Hey, Bunchen.



- Thirty seconds, Eric.

We can't read anything for more than 30 seconds without buying it.



- This is Abby.



- Hey.

Thirty seconds.

He has a master's in art history and lives with his mom, so he's pretty angry.

Night Scurrier.

A hideous mutant lives in sludge at the bottom of a swamp, where he feels nothing but shame.

Aww.

He just needs to meet the right girl.

Yeah.

It's just hard because he's mostly seaweed.

Oh.



- So how are you doing?



- Why does everyone keep asking me that?

I don't know why other people do, but I'm asking because you saw your mom and dad scrape a half

-eaten dead guy into a grave.

Please.

I once walked in on my grandparents changing in a cabana.

That was intense.

Besides, Mom and Dad want our lives to go back to normal, so I guess that's what's happening.

Thirty seconds! Parents always want life to be normal.

When my mom and dad got divorced, my mom said everything would be the same, but nothing was.

My dad left town and my mom married a horrible dickwad shithead assh*le who she thinks I'm too critical of.

[Eric]

Mombie.

That's not a good one.



- It's okay.

I'm I'm okay.



- That's nothing like your mom, Abby.

Your mom may stay exactly like she is forever and everything will be fine.

I know.

I'm just looking at it.



- Thirty seconds!

- What does it matter, Bunchen?



- Eric!

- It's all good.

Uh, come on, Abby.

Here, check out Njor Skuvelkrodd.

It's from the Netherlands.

Brilliant stuff.

Njor gets lost in time and becomes his own lover.

Mombie eats the family dog?

Why would she do that?

Because she's crazy.

It doesn't mean anything.



- Hey, why don't we go to the beach, huh?



- Thirty seconds, Eric's friend.

Abby.

My name is Abby.

Oh, Abby.

Well, that changes everything.



- I'll buy it.



- No, I haven't decided if I want it yet.

Thirty seconds.

Why is that so hard?



- [gags, gasping]



- [Eric]

Oh! Maybe I just don't feel like following all the rules today, okay, Bunchen?

Okay, wow.

Abb Hey, Abby That's fine, Abby.

You take all the time you need.

Thank you.

You were right.

I do like it here.

Good.

Brand

-new.

It has speed chill technology.

So you can place a warm pot inside without worrying about increasing the entire internal temperature.

And I've been assured that the rooster will no longer be a problem.

[puffs]



- Thank you so much.

Bye.



- Thanks again.

We'll get your offer in right away.



- We did it! We got an offer!

- We got an offer! And you ate, right?



- And it's a good offer, too.



- Yeah, it's great.

And you ate, right?

I'm so excited! We should jump up and down.

Maybe make it our new thing whenever we get an offer.

So you ate the rooster, right?

Because I also want to jump up and down.

Then you should do it! Ohh! We sold a house! And we can raise chickens, or maybe a lamb, if we don't get emotionally attached.

[chuckles]



- What?



- [sighs]

I couldn't eat the rooster.

But I jumped.

I'm sorry.

I wanted you to be happy, even for a minute.

But it was alive, like Gary.

[sighs]

Yeah, but Gary tasted so good.



- Again, tiny balls.



- We can't k*ll people, Sheila.

I know.

What if I just ate pieces of people, and then we let them go?

No, that's worse.



- Come with me.



- Where?

I'm taking you to dinner.



- This place is creepy.



- Yeah, well, so are we.

Yeah?

I'm just gonna give you $100, and that's just for opening the door.



- This is my wife.



- Hello.

We need a body.

You gonna f*ck it?

Yes, we're gonna f*ck it.

All night long.

So what would that cost?

We'd want to take it with us, of course, because we're shy.

Well, you know, it's gonna cost extra 'cause there's two of you.

That seems arbitrary.

If you're renting a car, you don't pay per person.

You do if both people are f*cking it.



- Just tell us how much.



- Five grand.

Cash.



- Five grand.

Jesus!

- You got an expensive hobby, lover boy.

[moans]

What can we get for another $400?

And a Starbucks card.

Yum! [chuckling]

Looks good.

Ohh [panting]

[retching]

[clears throat]

I can't.

The meat's too old or something.

Come on, sweetie.

It's the most expensive meal I ever bought you.



- [sniffs]

It smells like chemicals.



- Please eat the foot.



- I can't.



- Please, eat it.

Eat the foot! Eat the foot! Eat the g*dd*mn foot! I'm sorry I yelled at you.

It's been a stressful 24 hours.



- Why is this happening to me?



- I don't know.

Do you think it could be those clams I had at Japopo's?

I don't know.

We shouldn't go back there anyway.

The food's never been great.

[groans]

I miss food.

Like, I'm seriously hungry.

We're gonna k*ll people, sweetheart.

We're gonna k*ll people so you can eat them.

You don't have to do it with me, honey.

We've been Joel and Sheila since high school.

I'm not gonna bail on you now.

So who do we k*ll?



- [knock on door]



- [door opening]



- [Sheila]

Hey, sweetie.



- [Joel]

Are you okay, honey?

What's up?

Things aren't ever going to be normal again, are they?



- Of course they are.



- It's just a few little changes.

Like the car.

Did we tell you we're keeping the car?

That's gonna be a great change.

[chortles]

[Cage the Elephant's "Trouble" playing]

[vocalizing]

We were at the table By the window with the view
Casting shadows
The sun was pushing through
Spoke a lot of words I don't know if I spoke the truth
Got so much to lose Got so much to prove God, don't let me lose
My mind Trouble on my left Trouble on my right I've been facing trouble almost all my life
My sweet love Won't you pull me through
Everywhere I look I catch a glimpse of you I said it was love
And I did it for life Did

-did it for you [vocalizing]

Got so much to lose
God, don't let me lose My mind