01x03 - We Can k*ll People

[bunniefuu]

I'm worried about Abby crawling in bed with us last night.

She hasn't done that since she was eight.

She must be having trouble coping.

God, there's so many ways to mess up your children.

At least we didn't over

-praise her, right?

Honey?

We have to k*ll somebody today so you can eat them, sweetheart.

I'm worried about Abby, too, but I can't stop thinking about the murdering and eating thing.

I know we have to k*ll somebody today but we have to be parents every day.

God, I'm so hungry.

I haven't eaten in two days.



- I know.



- How's that omelet, sweetie?

Good?

Yeah, I'm trying this new thing with the sundried tomat Oh, I'm sorry.

Just swallow what's in your mouth.

Do you remember that dinner we had in Tuscany?

On the terrace, outside the castle.

I keep thinking about how good that waiter would taste right now.

Running late.

I'll grab something at Starbucks.

Wait a second, sweetie.

I know there's been a lot of changes in the last couple days but one thing hasn't.

Your father and I are here for you if you ever need to talk.

I have an idea.

Starting tonight, we should have regular family dinners.

Tell each other what's on our mind.

No judgments.

Like the kind I see in your face right now.

Sounds awesome.

So what, or should I say who, are we eating tonight?

Whom.

And as I've told you, from now on I'll only be eating raw chicken and beef.

And we'll be having a side dish of "How's Abby doing?

" And maybe some Spanish rice.

You really wanna know how Abby's doing?

Abby doesn't like that her parents are all up in her B.

Your butt?

No! God! My business! Oh.

Okay, well, have a good day at schoo I feel bad lying to her but I don't want Abby to know her parents are going to be k*lling people.

Yeah, she thinks so little of us already.

So, I was thinking: if we're gonna do this, we have to do it right.

We can't just k*ll anybody.

We have to k*ll someone who won't be missed.



- Someone without a family.



- Right.



- And someone bad who deserves it.



- Ooh, yeah, like who?

I don't know.

I guess the prototype would be a young, single h*tler.

Oh, God.

We'd be heroes.

And when we do find someone, we have to be prepared.



- No more impulse k*lling, it's too risky.



- Totally.

We have to get tarps, gloves, mops, sponges, bleach to clean up the blood All the blood.

So much blood.

Blood everywhere.



- Hon?



- Yeah?

You don't have to go with me.

I'm not sending you out to do this alone, sweetheart.

We're doing it together.

Aww.

But I'll do the actual k*lling, okay?

So you don't have to worry about that.

Yay.

I am so glad this is not one of those diseases that dries your skin out.

Yeah, that'd be the worst.

What if we k*ll that dentist who got that woman pregnant while she was having her wisdom teeth out?



- I think that was just a Lifetime movie.



- Oh, yeah, those are fun.

Hey, what about that shitty woman in my yoga class?



- Doesn't she have kids?



- Yeah, but they're shitty, too.

I'm sorry, it's the hunger talking.

Man, where are all the young, single Hitlers?

Speaking of h*tler, your mom called.

She says she has a friend that might have a listing for us.

Was it Joan?

She has that amazing four

-bedroom on Blue Ridge.

By the way, your mom's not so easy either.

That's the house.

Swimmer's pool, chef's kitchen, and at least my mom doesn't ask me every week why we only had one kid.

Can we get back to k*lling people?

I feel like that's a less loaded subject.



- You know how fast you were going?



- What?



- Cop humor.

Went over your head, Joel.



- Ah.

Just wondering, what kind of spray are you using on those ants of yours?

What kind of ant spray?

You told me you were spraying ants in the middle of the night.



- Now I wanna know what you were using.



- Why do you do this, Dan?

I'm just asking my neighbor a friendly question.

Well, Joel?

I don't know.

Ants Away, Ants Be Gone, f*ck You, Ants.

f*ck You, Ants.

You people need to take this more seriously.

You never want a sloppy k*ll.

You leave anything behind, it's gonna come back and bite you in the ass.

Joel, Sheila.



- I'm telling you, he's onto us.



- We don't know that.

Who talks about ants with that much intensity and innuendo?

Maybe he's just obsessed with them.

Did you know that ants can carry up to 50 times their weight?

They're not uninteresting creatures, Joel.

We should buy some other stuff so we don't look suspicious.

Suspicious that we're cleaning our house?

We also need taco shells for Taco Tuesday.

Which gets so messy.

I feel bad that I wasted so much of Gary.

We recycle, we compost, and yet I threw away 150 pounds of meat.

You ate much as you could, honey.

Even Gary wouldn't have expected you to finish him.

Oh.

Flash

-frozen seafood.

That looks good to you?

We never tried to feed you a fish.

We're gonna have to work on how you talk about me.

No.

Frozen is the closest thing to fresh.

What if we got a meat freezer and put it in the storage unit and when we k*ll somebody, we can just chisel off chunks of it when I need to eat.

No more waste.

Wow.

There's gonna be chiseling.

Sweetie, I can do this on my own.

No, I'm going with you.

I'm fine.

Oh, Jesus.

Hey, I was thinking, uh, maybe instead of ditching again today, we could go to class as an act of rebellion?

Like the sit

-ins of the Civil Rights Movement.

Except we'll be sitting at desks and have no real moral imperative.

After everything that's happened the last couple of days, school's too boring.

I want to do something exciting.



- Janie Lewis ran across the freeway.



- So that's out.

Oh, my stepdad has a bunch of intense riot gear in the garage.

Sometimes my friend Jackson and I will put on the body armor and just hit each other with sticks hard.

You can barely feel it.

Even in the balls.

So

- I don't want to do that.



- It's not for everyone.



- Hey, Six Minute Abs.

Robot Guy.



- Oh, it's Eric.

It's okay.

Hi, Sarah Elizabeth Newton.

What are you doing here?

You don't ditch school.



- Just trying sh*t out.



- I love that for you.

I once bought a ferret.

I mean, if we're all talking about trying sh*t out, I bought a ferret.

Okay, are you ditching today, too?

Do you wanna hang out?

Oh, no, I can't.

I'm seeing Cole.

Look what he got me for our three

-month anniversary.

God, he's such a sweet boy.

He's not a boy, Sarah.

I mean, he's a 26

-year

-old drug dealer who drives a car that says, "Ask me about my tiny d*ck.

" Yo, Sarah.

Don't be jealous.

I just have an exciting life.

And by the way, it is a perfect starter d*ck.

I love you, okay?

I'll call you tonight.

Yeah, I don't have an exciting life at all.

I mean, I just have an undead mom and we buried a half

-eaten corpse in the desert.

Your mom really raised the bar.

I just wish I could think of something super fun to do.

Mmm.



- Do you like games that test your?



- No.

Yeah, me neither.

It's okay, it's not your job to make me happy.

Sounds like it was and I just got fired.

He broke up with me.

He didn't even get out of his car and he took my quesadilla.



- He drive

-thru dumped me.



- That jerk.

I'm sorry, Sarah.



- You can have one of my taquitos.



- I don't want a taquito.

That middle

-aged f*ck boy.

And I left my blue sweater at his house.

The one I got you for your birthday?

I love that sweater.



- I love that sweater.



- Men are such assholes.

I wanna get back at him.

That's something we could do today.

Go after a drug dealer?

That sounds a little dangerous.

I know, right?

Yeah, for sure, we should lean into that.

Well, we bought a freezer to keep bodies in, so that's done.

All we need now is someone who's evil, deserving, won't be missed, and is under 18 cubic feet.

We're not k*lling my mother.

I wasn't suggesting that, but it's so interesting that's where your mind went.

My stomach's growling.

Hey, Rick.

Hi, Rick.

Hey.

Sorry.

I was listening to a cooking podcast.

Very relaxing.

Did you know, broccoli, cauliflower, and Brussels sprouts are all from the same family?

Awesome.

So you're a cop.

Are there any criminals who live in this neighborhood?

You know, real animals, society's waste, people so bad that they live alone.

The reason we ask is 'cause we have some clients who want to know about crime and specifically where bad people live.



- Well, this neighborhood's pretty good.



- Oh.

But a pedophile just moved in down the street.



- Oh?



- Mm

-hmm.

A pedophile's perfect.

Yeah, perfect.

That's just what we need, right?

At least your kid is 16 and past her prime.

I got a six

-month

-old.

I'm not saying your daughter's not desirable.

I'm just saying she's not toddler hot.

To a pedophile.

That's how they talk.

So, what's this guy look like?

About 35, Italian, beefy.

So this beefy Italian, walking distance?

Don't worry about it.

All pedophiles are on the registry.

Very closely monitored.



- Really?



- Yeah, sick bastards.

They can't even buy a bottle of lotion without us knowing about it.

Oh, look, Mr.

Bumblebee found my rosemary.

Just remember there are no bad ideas in spitballing.

What if I eat Rick?

I think there might be bad ideas in spitballing.

You can't eat our neighbor.

Oh, he's knee

-deep in his herb garden, the man is seasoning himself.

I need food.

I'm losing my mind.

Why is it so hard to find someone to k*ll?

Every time I get coffee, there's some dipshit yelling at the barista.

Maybe I get back at Cole by sending a dozen pizzas to his house.

No, we have to think bigger than that.



- We need something epic, unforgettable.



- Yet proportionate.

Screw proportionate.

Shh, Abby's home.

I mean, we're talking about a guy who is literally the worst person ever.



- "Worst person ever.

"

- I'm interested.

The man is a monster.

Yeah, he's 26 and has sex with underage girls.

Ooh, I like the sound of that.



- Plus, he sells dr*gs to kids.



- He sells dr*gs to kids.

Ahh

-cha! I swear, I had no idea about that when we started dating.

His Instagram is KidWeed.

I thought that was ironic.

Excuse me, waiter?

I'll have that.

Did you know, in three weeks we'll have had this listing for a year?

It's not our fault.

It's priced too high, the seller won't come down, and there's about to be a m*rder in here.

Hey, if you can, try to keep it contained.

Not to be critical, honey, but Gary looked like he swallowed some TNT.

It's no worse than what you did to the turkey on Thanksgiving.



- We need new knives.



- So buy some.

They're expensive and they just get dull.



- Are you okay?



- Yeah.

You know, we have a gift certificate to Williams

-Sonoma.



- Cole!

- So glad you made it.



- It's good to meet you.



- Great to meet you.

Why are you guys dressed like that?

Are you, like, coloring each other's hair or something?

No, but that would've been a good explanation.

Actually, we're real estate brokers who have been having trouble selling this place.

Eager to make it more appealing, we're repainting the kitchen.

Get in here.

Okay.



- We should act more normal.



- I'm doing the best I can.

Can I get you a water drink, Cole?

Actually, I had a couple beers on the drive over, so I'm good.

You guys couldn't have picked a better place to make a buy.

An empty house at the end of the street, it's like, "Hey, there's a drug deal going down in here!" Oh, wait, nobody can hear me yelling! We'll see.

You guys ordered a half ounce of Skywalker OG Kush,

- which is an excellent choice, by the way.



- Oh, my God, this is really happening.

Oh, relax, bro, you're just buying weed.

Oh, my God, it's Joan.

It might be about that listing on Blue Ridge.

I gotta take this.



- Really?



- It has a swimmer's pool.

Business.



- She shan't be long.



- Shan't?

I'm doing the best I can.

Do we have to wait for her?

Absolutely.

She has the money.

Yeah.

Well Man, I had a shitty day today.

This girl I've been seeing, told me she was 21, turned out to be 16.

Obviously, I had to break it off with her, mmm.



- You had no idea?



- No.

What kills me is I actually I kinda liked her.

Maybe we shouldn't talk.



- Why not?



- It saddens me.

Mind if I smoke a little weed while we wait?

So selling dr*gs to kids, that seems pretty f*cked up.

Well, it wasn't part of the plan, dude.

You know?

I mean, I started selling pot in high school.

I grew up, I tried to get out of it and my dumb sister gets a divorce so I end up having to help her out.

Sometimes you do sh*t you never expected for the people you love.

That is so true.

I know, but then I look at you and I think you got a great career.

You got a great wife.

It's like, "How do I get my face in front of a house, on a sweet sign next to a sweet lady like that?

" It's easy.

First, you're a high school quarterback and prom king

- and you date the prom queen.



- Mm.

After school you think you're pretty hot sh*t, so you coast for a while.

Try music.

You're a decent guitar player, not great.

So you take a few classes in hotel management.

Try improv.

But your object work is never what you want it to be.

What's What's object work?

It's like making a f*cking sandwich, only it's not really there.



- Oh.

It's like being a mime?



- No.

Because you can talk about the sandwich, which is also bad improv.

Anyway, by this point, I'm married, we have a kid, it's time to get serious.

My wife is a realtor.

I wake up one day and so am I.

I'm not complaining.

I work my own hours, I only see my boss twice a week.

It's just not where I saw my life going.



- Wow, man, that's just

- And now Jesus Christ, if I told you the crazy sh*t happening, you'd put me in an asylum.

It's like my life is spiraling toward disaster and there's no way out.

The worst part is, I can't even talk about it with the person I love the most because she'll blame herself, and that's not what I want.

Come on, come here.

Come here.

Come here.

Yeah.

You're not gonna die today.

Okay.

Sorry, everyone.

So rude.

Where's Cole?



- I told him to go.



- What?

He's an okay guy and a really good listener.

He doesn't deserve to die in an overpriced Spanish revival.

I leave you for five f*cking minutes and you bond with my dinner?



- We had a lot in common.



- Yeah, you're both high.

You know, I gotta say, sometimes your pot smoking bugs me.

Well, I don't like that you're gonna be k*lling and eating people, so we both have things that bug us.

And by the way, they're legalizing my thing.

All I know is that if you hadn't fired up a fatty with your drug dealing, statutory r*pist friend, I'd have eaten by now.

He didn't know Sarah was 16.

And he's helping his divorced sister.

First of all, every creep who dated a teenager "didn't know," okay?

And if we are playing Family Feud and the category was reasons to sell dr*gs to kids, my sister's divorce wouldn't even be up on the board.

Your stepdad may be a d*ck, but he has really cool toys.

Finally, his right wing paranoia pays off.

Are you sure this isn't too crazy?

Yeah, maybe he didn't know how old she was.

What did he think she was doing every day between 8:00 and 3:30?

At the high school, where he picked her up.

Okay, I'm in.

Ahh, smoke! No, my eyes are burning! My throat is burning! Ah, it stings.

Why is this happening?

Where is my hose?

I can't believe we did this.

Let's get out of here.



- I could leave.



- Not yet.

There it is, yes oh, God, no! Where is it?

I need it.

What is she doing?

Here's your sweater.

It was not your job to make me happy today.

But if it was, you'd be rehired.

Six Minute f*cking Abs.

I don't know how much longer I can go without food.

We'll get you the Italian pedophile.

We'll just take the risk.

What if you find out he's supporting his sister and you have to become besties?

I don't wanna fight with you, honey.

That guy's pot was really good.

Thank goodness for that.

I was worried you weren't high enough.

Very funny.

Ooh! In

-N

-Out, that'd be excellent.

If we were eating.

Ooh!

- g*dd*mn it!

- sh*t.

Yeah, sh*t.

I agree.

Pull over! Follow me! Christ.

Sorry, buddy, I don't know how that happened.

That's a $10,000 job right there, f*ck jar! That doesn't seem true.

And "f*ck jar"?

What's that?



- It's a jar full of f*ck, you fucker.



- Jesus.

You blind?

How could you not see me, assh*le?



- Aaah!

- Oh, God! Are you sure you want your last words to be "me, assh*le"?

You bitch.

Oh, my God! Oh, sh*t! What did I do?

I couldn't control it.

And the street's right there, what if somebody sees us?

What are we gonna do?

Okay, there's nobody around, it's dark, and there are no security cameras.

We'll wrap his body in a tarp, put it in our car, take it to the storage unit where you can eat.

I'll mop up the blood and pour some bleach on the spot so it doesn't stain.

We haven't touched his car, so we'll leave it here.

You understand?

I understand it's super sexy when you take control.



- Sheila?



- Right, put a pin in it.

Man, this guy really hit the spot.

I just stuffed a man in a meat freezer.

Cross that off my bucket list.

This part right here is the human fillet.

The more you know.

Porsche guy was from Nevada.

He owned a strip club and a waste management company.

Oh, nothing sketchy there.



- Any family photos?



- Nope.

I found pictures of a few women but they were taken from inside a toilet, so probably not serious relationships.

Maybe he won't be missed.

What a night.

We're gonna be okay.



- I love you, Joel, so much.



- I love you too.

23 years and you still find a way to keep life exciting.



- We have our family dinner tonight.



- We can't go home to Abby like this.

Don't we have old clothes in some of those boxes?

Mmm.



- How was your day?



- Good.

Yours?

Good.



- Did anything interesting happen?



- Not really.

You?



- No.



- What are you eating?

Raw beef.

How's your shrimp?

- Oh.

Good.

- You know why?

Because it's flash frozen, and that's what keeps it so pink and fresh.

Oh, I forgot, Joan is going to give us that listing.

- Honey?

- Are you okay, Dad?

Yeah, I'm good.