03x13 - Sister Pact Too Adventure

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ Look up there ♪
- ♪ What do you see? ♪

♪ Nature and stuff ♪

- ♪ Like a rock ♪
- ♪ And a tree ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Way up here,
you can breathe the air ♪

♪ Catch some fish ♪

♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪

♪ Wow ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪

♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

♪ From longest night
to longest day ♪

♪ In the Great North. ♪

[cheering]

Good morning, my jagged little
imaginary best friend.

Oh, good. We're up.

Well, I barely slept

because today is the first...
[vocalizing]

...Sisters Day
for me and Honeybee.

Oh, yes,
I love girls-only events.

When I went to Lilith Fair
I got so high

off the female energy that
I jumped off the scaffolding.

Luckily, Sarah McLachlan
caught me. [laughs]

Talk about the arms of an angel.

Yeah, this house
and, uh, frankly,

all of the gorgeous state
of Alaska, can be a bit

of a frankfurter fiesta,
so Honeybee and I decided

to just get out on our own
one Saturday a month.

We'll be like, uh,
ye women of olde who probably,

you know, like,
churned butter together?

You got Honeybee
to agree to churn butter?

I modernized it a bit.

For our first
Sisters Day activity,

I selected the annual

Phoenix Phlying
Feminist Retreat.

I can't believe we got tickets.

They are very hard
to come by because

Phoenix, the leader and legend,

does her famous care stare.

Uh, care stare?

Yep, Phoenix comes out on stage,

and then she stares at each

participant one by one
and you feel truly seen.

- And she just stares? Huh.
- Uh-huh.

The treats are deep
in the Alaskan woods.

Moon tried to give me
a wilderness survival kit,

but I told him, "No way, man.

"If we need anything out there,
we'll just help each other.

Like Alaskan sisters
have always done."

[sighs] I just know
Phoenix is really gonna

help Honeybee
and I solidify our bond.

But you guys already
have a great bond, right?

Uh, I don't know. Honeybee's
so much older than me and, like,

a million times cooler,
and we haven't spent

that much time together,
just the two of us.

I think of her like a sister
but I don't know

if she feels that way about me.

But if she doesn't,
I'm sure this amazing retreat

will seal the deal.

We're gonna be like
the Hemsworth brothers,

but as sisters.
I'm Liam with a Chris rising.

Oh. Alanis, stop talking,
okay, all right? Okay!

Ugh! I'm gonna be late.
[chuckles]

WOLF: Welp, I dropped
Judy and Honeybee off

at the bus
and now it's just us guys.

What do we want
to do for our Man's Day?

Ooh, we could
sharpen the blender blades.

This morning's smoothie
was a little coarse.

Or we can visit
Whipple's Pickles.

- Oh, hell yeah! - Yes!
- Pickle me interested.

We could ride
on the pickle carousel

and take our picture
in the big pickle jar.

Plus, my Dillon the Dill doll
lost his eye

so I got to take him there
to get repaired.

And I'm gonna eat
the samples till I throw up.

Just like I always do.

I'll grab a bunch
of plastic bags for you, son.

It's brine time, my freaks.

It's sweet and sour power hour.

I'm about to bring
the thunder on some cucumbers.

Pickle march, fall in.

ALL:
Whipples! Pickles! Whipples!

Pickles!
[doorbell rings]

Pickle march, at ease.

Is anyone expecting someone?

Beef, honey!

I'm home!

Um. Hello.

Sorry, can we... help you?

Beef, it's me.
Zelda Blop, from high school.

Zelda? Oh. Zelda.

Right.

Uh, what brings you here?

Are you coming
from your wedding?

Uh, no, I'm going to my wedding.

Remember?
We're getting married.

- Us?
- Oh, and these must be my stepsons.

Oh, gosh, you're big.

Boys, me and your dad
did a pact in high school

that if we weren't married
by ,

we were gonna marry each other.

And guess who turns today?

- Happy birthday, Mother.
- Moon.

And thanks to public records,
I know you're divorced, Beef.

So, since we're both single...

Great.

Uh, boys, if you would
please follow me

to the attic to help me
find something?

Is it a ring?
Wait, don't tell me.

I'm just gonna get familiar
with our kitchen

while you're gone.
Aah!

Are you okay?

Yep.
This happens all the time.

You go on, you go.

Dad, I know you and Miss Blop
just got engaged,

but have you given any thought
to your wedding cake?

Aw, Dad, you got
to take her name.

Imagine being named Beef Blop.

And we'll be the Blop Boys!

Yep, here she is.

Zelda Blop.

Now I remember her.
She was always a bit...

- Bonkers in the tonkers?
- Indeed.

And I did take her out
in an effort

to make your mom jealous.
And I probably

did agree to marry her
when we were .

I had a tendency to say yes to
almost anything girls asked me

at the time, which is
how I wound up a dad at .

- A rad dad.
- With a rad son.

And then two more rad sons

- and a rad daughter.
- The Blop Boys.

And Judy.

J-Blop-a-doody.

Well, how bonkers
were this lady's tonkers?

Well, she ate a volleyball
in gym class

because she thought
it was a giant marshmallow.

But I did make a promise,

so I suppose I should marry her.

Dad, no.
We'll just go downstairs,

you gently decline the marriage,
and we send her on her way.

Mm. Simple.
I like it.

Pickle march resuming
in T-Minus five minutes.

Cell phones please.
They're taking our phones?

But what if there's
a celebrity break-up?

Mm, outside distractions

prevent you
from achieving the total

Phoenix Phlying experience.

All right, if J-Lo and Ben
break up again,

I think I'll feel
it in my bones anyway.

When she surprise-dropped
her new song

"I'm Having Wine Tonight,"

I woke up from a dead sleep.

JUDY:
[exclaims] I'm just so excited.

- Are you so excited?
- I mean, I'm kind of mad

they took my phone, but
I'm sure we'll have some fun.

Oh, I just thought
you'd be super jazzed

about the sisterhood
and all that.

Do you...
not like this activity I picked?

Oh, uh, it's just... um...

I went to a lot
of events like this

for female entrepreneurs
back in Fresno.

From my experience,
they're sometimes more

about helping themselves
than helping the sisterhood.

Plus, if there's
a musical performance,

there's always some
white woman getting on another

white woman's shoulders, swaying
around and blocking your view.

Well, I think Phoenix is
too amazing to be materialistic.

And if there's a musical
performance I'll put you

on my shoulders and we'll block
some random white woman's view.

Now we're talking.
You know I love revenge.

Okay, so do any of these
activities here interest you?

There's the Sisterhood
of the Bedazzling pants booth

or the Thelma and Louise
go-kart track?

Uh, the patriarchy piñata?

You know what, Judy?
Let's do 'em all.

♪ Ladies doing some stuff ♪

♪ No men here
'cause we've had enough ♪

♪ Bedazzling pants,
getting empowered ♪

♪ Tasty snacks
getting straight devoured ♪

♪ Ladies doing some stuff! ♪

There you are.
Boys, I'd like you

to meet your new stepbrothers,
Alphonso and Ned.

But don't worry, you won't
have to share your rooms.

They've been drafted
into the army,

and they're leaving soon
to fight the aliens.

Oh. Cool.

Dad, did you want
to say something?

Right.
[clears throat]

Zelda, I'm very sorry,
but I'm afraid

that, simply put:
I cannot marry you.

Oh, no.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

And I spent so much money
on this dress.

I got a reverse mortgage
for this.

And I sold an organ.

- What?
- My mother's organ.

She played in the church
for years before she d*ed.

- Oh, God.
- Yes.

Dyed her hair bright blonde

and became a real floozy,
so the church kicked her out.

Maybe you can save the dress

till you do
find someone to marry?

But Beef, I've tried.

Ugh.
I know Alaska is up

to its moose teats in men,
but you know what

they say: the odds are good,
but the goods are odd.

I dated this total gold digger,

and he dug up my yard
looking for gold.

And then I dated
a Kn*fe salesman who chopped

everything I own
into little cubes.

Oh, God, what am I gonna do,
what am I gonna do?

You don't like me, I'm bad.

Please, uh, stand up.

Oh, no, I can't.

When I get upset,
my bones stop working.

I won't be able to get up
till I feel better.

Well, uh, I am sure
you will feel better

if I tell you
I do like you, a lot.

But I actually...
just got remarried.

To another woman.

- Dad...
- And her name is... Shandor.

Oh, where is she?

She's here.

No. Nope, she's out.

She's a volunteer pet paramedic.

And a cat nearby
had a heart att*ck.

Ugh, sounds like your wife
is an angel, Beef.

You know, meeting her
is probably the only thing

that would make me feel better
about this whole fiasco

and help me
start the healing process.

Okay, yes. I'll introduce you.

- Dad.
- Okay, I'll just lay here

and wait for her to get home.

I need a break before
making the nine-hour drive

back to Chickaloon anyway.

Oh, Shandor also
from Chickaloon.

You're gonna have
so much to talk about.

- Dad, no more.
- Yep. Got it.

Mmm, these empowerment
empanadas are delicious.

So, the food, the fun...

today's pretty great, right?

I got to say,
this place is legit.

And not nearly the money grab

- I thought it was gonna be.
- Ooh, look.

The sharing tent.
Uh, should we check that out?

Sure, but FYI, even if I have
to share my feelings,

I'm not sharing
any of my her-chata.

I don't care who's in there.

- You guys first-timers, too?
- Yep. I'm Judy.

And this is my sister-in-law, Honeybee.

Hey. We're sisters, too.

I'm Paula, and this is Bev.

We own the pawn shop
over in Death Cliff,

We Like Your Junk.
We're hoping getting stared at

by Phoenix will
free our minds up

to take our business
to the next level.

We're aiming big. We want
to pawn the Hope Diamond.

Hello, everyone. Welcome
to the She Said Sharing Shed.

Our prompt today
is "a woman who lifts you up."

I will now pass along
the communication feather.

Well, I'd say the woman
who lifts me up

is my sister Paula right here.

She'd go through fire for me.
And she has.

I got stuck in a ring of fire
when I got lost

at the circus
and she walked right through.

Pulled me out and
threw me into that little pool

of water
that the high diver dives into.

And Bev held my hand
when I gave birth to my twins,

and then again years later
when they robbed us.

Wow, I would also say
the person who lifts me up

is my sister, Honeybee.

Well, my sister-in-law,
but she is my sister.

It's right there,
in the name... by law.

[laughing]
I'm just... I jo...

I'm sorry,
I just love her so much.

And now
she's probably gonna say,

like, something
really amazing back to me.

- So... Okay...
- Oh, thanks Judy.

Wow. As Patrick Swayze
says in Ghost, "ditto."

- Okay, here you go.
- Oh. Cool.

[gong chimes]
The gathering gong.

It's time for the staring.

All right, let's go get
looked at by some lady.

Yeah. Yeah. Here I come.

HAM: I don't want to
be a Forlorn Franklin,

but it really seems like Zelda
isn't gonna get up off the floor

until she meets
the stepmom Dad invented.

So she's never leaving
and we're never getting

- to Whipple's Pickles.
- Not necessarily.

All we need
is someone who'll pretend

to be married to Dad,
meet Zelda,

and then we send her
on her way, no harm done.

Oh! We could call Alyson.

Yeah. Okay, how about you guys

get back in there
and help Dad not be...

like Dad,
and I'll make the call.

Four weddings and a fudgesicle.

Voice mail.

Hey, Alyson, it's Wolf.

And that was the second time
I got arrested

at the governor's mansion.

Dad, may we see you
in the kitchen?

We have some questions
about, uh...

Money and sex.

Hey, don't we all. [laughs]

Don't. We. All.

Dad, Wolf is trying
to find a fake wife for you.

He's calling Alyson.

- Okay, good plan.
- What's the plan?

- Aah!
- Aah! How did you get over here?

I slid.
[laughs]

What kind of plan
are you talking about?

Oh. A plan for my wife.

She likes plans,
hates surprises.

She startles very easily.

Like a-a bear.

Uh, because she is a bear...

uh, researcher.

Uh, as well as a pet para-demic...

pa... para-paramedic.
[chuckles]

Which is why

she's in our room,
hibernating like a bear.

Dad, why?

Oh! She came home?

Yeah, sure. Okay, yeah.

Like Dad is saying,
she did come home...

But she went right to her room.
Dad's room. Their room.

She didn't want to come in
and say hi to you guys?

Oh, I'm sure
she wanted to, but...

Well, as a bear...

- Oh, my God.
- researcher, she lives like a bear...

- And, oh, my God.
- for much of the year.

Like I said,
it's hibernation time.

Oh, yeah.
I-I forgot, because... I'm drunk.

Well, I'll just pop in
and take a peek, very quietly.

[all clamoring]

My bones are feeling
a little bit better.

No, don't go now.

She has to prepare
for her night job.

As a long-distance chef...

in Japan.

Wow, a long-distance chef?

I don't believe
I know what that is.

Have you seen Pacific Rim?

It's like that,
but with robot arms

at a restaurant in Tokyo.

Everything you say about
this woman makes it clearer

and clearer
how my Beef fell for her.

I simply have to get a look.

Oh, just, uh, give me

and my, uh,
little brothers a minute

to, uh, you know, ease Mom
into the fact that, uh,

she's about to meet the woman
who almost married Dad.

[short chuckle] And, uh,
you and Dad, uh, just hang here.

So, um...

do you keep in touch
with anyone else from school?

I heard Joey d*ed.
Do you ever talk to him?

HONEYBEE:
So, Judy, you excited?

This is what
you've been waiting for.

You ready for this gal to, uh,

get a creepy peepy of you?

- Uh-huh. Yeah.
- Judy, is something wrong?

Oh, no.
I mean, sort of.

- Please take one.
- Hold on, what's this?

Phoenix will reveal all.
Just take the cup and drink.

Judy, uh-uh, don't drink that.

ANNOUNCER:
Ladies, prepare to take flight.

Please welcome to the stage
the one and only

Phoenix!

[Phoenix vocalizing]

JUDY: Wait.

- Phoenix isn't a...
- Huh, I...

Hello, welcome.

If you are a first-timer,

you might be surprised
to find out that, yes,

I'm a cis hetero man,
but, more importantly,

a cis hetero woke man.

- Dude, where's my shero?
- Om...

Now before we get started
today, I wanted to share

something very special.
♪ Goddess Milk ♪

A wellness elixir so amazing,

it's like a care stare
in your cup.

And I can't wait for you to have
a little me inside you.

- Mm-mmm. No sir.
- It's such a great product

you're gonna want
to sell it, too.

And the supply you purchase will
fly off the shelf as you work

your way up the sales charts
from Mother's Little Helper

to Level Six Creamy Dreamer.

Yep, there it is. It's
a multi-level marketing scheme.

Oh, great choice of activity
for Sister's Day, Judy.

Oh, my God.
No, no, no.

Are those supposed to be...

HONEYBEE:
Boobs. They're boobs.

PHOENIX: Though I am a
straight, cisgendered man,

my soul is deeply maternal,

and it craves
the most beautiful part

of a female experience.

Tonight, I serve you all my milk
in the way it was intended.

From these bountiful sacks!

Oh, hell no. This went from
being a feminist retreat

to multi-level marketing scheme
to some kind of

weird, booby-based cult
real quick.

We're getting out of here.
Run, run!

Uh, no running. Ladies,
return to the milking stage.

Damn it. Attention all staff,
we've got flee-nixes.

Honeybee, I'm so sorry.
This was my idea.

And now we have no car

and the bus doesn't return
for hours.

HONEYBEE: Look, there's the
lady who collected the phones.

Yep, we got eyes on 'em.
Going in.

Hi, hi, hello.

Loving the day,
having so much fun.

But could we
grab our phones real quick?

Uh, we can't release devices
until our husband

is done with
the staring ceremony.

Now, why don't we get
you two back over to it.

That's okay, bye.

Ooh, darn it, now they got away.

Should we chase them?

I don't know.
It's awfully muddy

and I didn't bring extra pants.

All right, let's just walk
very slowly after them.

- Ooh, I like that.
- And here we go.

A one, two...

Ladies?

Okay, we're just gonna
have to lay low

until the bus comes back.
[phone vibrates]

- Wait, is that a phone?
- Moon, you Lil Prepper genius.

He must have put the emergency
phone in my bag after all.

I love that kid.

And... dada-doop, boom.

Lone Moose's lone Uber
is on its way.

- In minutes.
- Uh-oh, this is bad.

We're gonna get
very wet and very cold.

But that's okay.
I don't need all my toes.

As long as I can keep Janet
and Ronald, I'll be all right.

Um, I've got an idea
to keep us dry,

but you're not going to like it.

I know that because
I also don't like it.

WOLF:
Okay, since Zelda

thinks fake stepmom
is in the house,

we got to get someone
in that room, stat.

So I've called in
reinforcements.

Hi!

And that's why
they took all my emus away.

Dad, Zelda,
so nice to see you again.

Some news. My brothers
and I have arranged

for Mom to be ready
to see Zelda.

Wonderful.
Let's, uh, go meet Mrs. Tobin.

JUDY: Oh, it's, uh,
kind of wobbly, huh?

But at least it's warm in here.

And I-I guess
it's good that we can, um,

stand up here
and not-not be in the,

the pee that's
all over the floor.

[crying]

Judy, sweetie, what's going on?

I don't like
the porta-potty, either,

but we'll only be here
another half hour.

It's not... it's not that.

It's me.

Where is this coming from?

I just, just...

I said all that dumb stuff in
the circle about how you were,

like, my sister and I loved you,

and you just...
you just said, "Ditto."

I wanted today
to be important and special

for us as sisters,
but I guess if you just want

to be more like co-workers...
[whimpers]

Maybe we weren't meant to,
uh, churn butter together,

or whatever Alaskan women
did back in the day.

Okay, Judy, Judy, Judy,
slow down, all right?

First of all, in the sharing
circle, I said, "Ditto."

You know, like Patrick Swayze
did in Ghost.

I've never seen it.

Oh, Judy, no.

Well, we got to watch that movie

and the rest
of the Swayze collection.

But his character, Sam,
says "ditto" to his wife

because his feelings for her
are so big,

he can't put them into words.

Do you...

think of me as a sister?

Of course I do, Judy.

And today
was important and special

because we were together.

- It was?
- It was.

Thanks, Honeybee.

And, honestly, those boobs...

they really did
make today unforgettable.

That was so weird.
But, I mean,

the website made Phoenix Phlying
Festival sound so great,

but it was all just a trick.

Is feminism bad?

No way. It's just that
feminism used to be, like,

three British ladies trying
to get the vote or something,

and now it's huge.
And that's a good thing.

But, also, now that it's this
big, it's grown to include

scam artists
and weird white guys.

They find their way
into everything.

Eventually, you'll figure out
how to gravitate

toward the good version of
feminism and avoid the grifters.

- I believe in you.
- Thanks, Honeybee.

- Wait, no, we're tipping! Aah!
- [yelling]

- Aah! Huh?
- Aah! What?

BEV:
Everyone okay in there?

We saw you guys go in here.

Come on, come on, get out.

This thing's heavy.
Let's go!

Thank you for saving us.

No problem.
It's like they say:

there's a special place in hell

for women who let other women
tip over in porta-potties.

Okay, here they come.
Everybody ready?

- [high-pitched] Mm-hmm.
- Oh, perfect voice, Jer.

You sound just like a stepmom.

[knocking]
Entrez.

Hi, Shandor!
[laughs] I'm Zelda.

Oh, you're in your bear suit.

Yes, I'm hibernating.

Well, you better go.

I'm very tired because of
my Japanese robot cooking work.

Yeah, we ought to wrap this up
and let Mom get back to, uh...

Oh, you simply must remove
your bear mask.

ALL:
No!

Uh, she can't, 'cause, uh,

she was in a horrible accident.

Yeah, she was mauled
by one of her bear colleagues.

[high-pitched] Mm-hmm.

Oh, I can handle it.

I was actually a nurse
for years.

Well, I was pretending to be
a nurse, to steal medicine.

[laughs]
[doorbell rings]

Oh, the doorbell.
The doorbell is ringing.

We have to answer it
immediately.

Uh, here we go, everyone.

Let's go. Bye, Shandor.

Yep. Everybody out.
Bye, Mom.

Okay, everybody out,
everybody out.

Oh, hello.

I'm Beef's wife, Alyson.

I'm sorry, you're Beef's wife?

Oh, I can... I can explain.
Uh...

- Uh-oh. This is bad.
- KYLE: Beef, I'm also your wife.

I'm ready for sex now.

What do you know.
Me too.

But just the wife part,
not the sex.

Mm, probably shouldn't
have left so many voicemails.

Beef, what in the world?

I guess the jig is up.

It most certainly is.

You have
a beautiful wife inside,

a good-hearted international
chef who still finds time

to do valuable research
on bears.

Yet here you are,

clearly cheating on her with
all these other secret wives?

Well, you caught me.

Aw. I am a very bad man whom
you should not want to marry.

Shame on you, Dad.

I'm sorry, Beef,
but I'm leaving.

And I'm taking
my microwave back.

Don't try to stop me.

Who was that?
She seems great.

[sighs] Looks like it's just
us again, my beautiful sons.

Well, have a safe drive
back to Chickaloon.

I am sincerely sorry that you
came all this way for nothing.

It's not a total loss.

I mean, Shandor is amazing.

I'm gonna look her up
on Facebook.

And, hey,
if all your wives divorce you

by the time we're ,

let's give this marriage pact
thing another try.

Yes. Perfect. Great.

No! No, no, no.

[groans]
Well,

big news, boys...

in nine years and days,

we're moving to Florida.

Whew, thanks for getting us
out of that porta-potty.

Yeah, I was feeling
bummed out about feminism

and then you ladies showed up
to literally support us.

Happy to do it.
You guys want your phones back?

We saw where they stashed 'em
earlier, so we grabbed 'em.

Two fewer
to sell at the pawn shop.

But we like you guys
so it's okay.

Ooh, looks like our Uber
is only a minute away.

Do you guys want a ride?

Nah. Bev's ferret-sitter
was happy to come swoop us up.

- Smell you guys later.
- Bye.

Well, I'm definitely adding
them to my Christmas card list.

Oh, yeah.
I loved them.

I do feel like that ferret

should have been
wearing a helmet, though.

All right, boys, let's head out.

I'm hurtin' for some gherkins.

I'm gonna get my cornichon on.

Let's cuke till we puke.

I would like to try
one of those pickle rhymes.

Go for it, Dad.

I would k*ll for a dill.

[laughs]
Good one.

Hey, is that Judy and Honeybee?

They weren't supposed
to be back for hours.

Hey, guys.
How was Sisters Day?

Oh, boy. Well, there was
a multilevel marketing scheme

and a huge perv

and big old boobs
that came down from the sky,

and we almost fell over
in a porta-potty.

It was perfect.

Wait, were you guys
going somewhere?

Whipple's Pickles.
You two want to join?

Uh, yes. Let's get some bread
and butter in these mothers.

Oh, boy, I sure hope
their Nickelback cover band,

Picklesnack, is playing today.

WOLF:
♪ This is how you remind me ♪

♪ Of what I like to eat. ♪

Pickles.

♪ Alphonso and Ned ♪

♪ We're off
to fight the aliens ♪

♪ Though we might
be ripped to shreds ♪

♪ It's time to man-doll up and
leave the safety of our beds ♪

♪ We're not tough,
we're cotton and fluff ♪

♪ And we're very,
very flammable ♪

♪ We've never
left our mom before ♪

♪ Will this be
too much to handle? ♪

♪ This our time to shine ♪

♪ And that's why ♪

♪ We're on the front line ♪

♪ Alphonso and Ned,
Alphonso and Ned ♪

♪ Alphonso and Ned. ♪