01x07 - Folklore

[bunniefuu]

["WOULDN'T IT BE NICE" PLAYING]

[SNIFFS]

- [SHAY] What are you doing?
- Nothing.

Who you texting?

Uh, a friend.

You don't have any friends.

[SCOFFS] Yeah, I do.

Is it Mahira?

I don't know.

You don't know who you were texting?

Why is it such a big deal?

It's not.

You can't stay here tonight.

What?

You gotta go.

- Why?
- Why is it such a big deal?

Are you still mad at me?

Oh, get over yourself.

- Oh, you gotta go.
- Um, who is that?

Uh, go through the
back door. I'm serious.

- Who is that?
- Like now.

- Uh...
- Go, go, go, go, go.

Would you at least tell me who that is?

[KOJO INHALES DEEPLY]

- [CHUCKLES, SIGHS] Hi.
- Hi.

What is it?

[CLEARS THROAT]

[LAUGHING]

Don't laugh.

And she speaks Twi now.

- [SQUEAKS]
- Oh! Good morning to you too.

I Googled it while you were asleep.

No, this is just too cute.

Listen, now you must stay
in bed with me all day.

- Mm-hmm.
- But five minutes, though.

- Mm-hmm.
- Mmm.

- I'm serious this time because I have...
- Mmm.

... a early breakfast and a late
breakfast and a lunch, and a coffee.

[CHUCKLES]

Sorry, that was the
least sexiest thing ever.

- I totally ruined that.
- No, no.

I just need to get used

to this appointment-book
dirty talk you seem to love.

Oh, yeah? Well, what's
on your schedule, big boy?

[CHUCKLES]

What?

I'm going to Grief Group. [SIGHS]
I'm going to tell them I'm leaving.

So, it's official?

It's always been official.

I just thought that...

with us...

[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

- Um, sorry. Let me just...
- [CELL PHONE CHIMES]

sh*t.

Oh, my God.

Ooh.

- Morning. Wow, look at you.
- Morning.

Oh, God. It's not too
much for my first day?

Oh, I don't know. The machine
shop is pretty styling.

- Good morning, Edward.
- Morning.

Enchiladas for breakfast.

- Seriously? Gross.
- Uh-huh. I know. It's crazy.

- Weird.
- How did you sleep?

Uh...

Is there... Is there someone
moving in next door at Shay's?

Uh, I don't think so.

Just ran into Xavier out there.

- Oh. Xavier's back?
- Who's Xavier?

Uh, Shay's dad.

- [JOHN] Morning. You got a job interview?
- What?

[LINDA] No. Lacey has hired
me at the machine shop.

- [JOHN] Oh, nice.
- Is he moving back or something?

- I hope not.
- John.

Every once in a while, he
comes and stays for a bit.

Like how long?

Like a couple weeks,
or maybe a month or two.

- Modern.
- [LACEY] Mm-hmm.

Could you save me a couple of
those? This is my dinner too.

Oh, no, it's not. You have
dinner with Edward tonight.

- That's tonight?
- [LACEY] Yeah.

sh*t.

I told Mark that I'd
cover his shift for him,

'cause he's got family
visiting from Ar... Arizona.

John, I go straight from work to
group. It's in our shared calendar.

But I'm not synced to that anymore.

How long have you not been synced?

- I don't know. I was getting disconnected.
- The purpose of our shared calendar

- is that we're both connected to it.
- I can skip group. I can skip group.

- No. You're not gonna...
- I can if it helps. I'm happy to.

Okay, how about this? I'll
take Edward to work with me,

and we'll get pizza.

It'll be super fun. That sound good?

Uh, yeah. That works.

Good. Fine. Cool. Okay.

So, um, what's he like? Shay's dad?

- Bit of a d*ck.
- [CHUCKLES]

- Truffles Bakery of Bergen.
- Mm-mm.

- Mm-mmm. Mmm.
- Excuse my reach. Best in the state.

- No, thank you.
- No?

Um, we really need to talk
about your monthly expenses.

Um, I said I would quit the club.

What about the condo in Los Angeles?

You had three offers on
it, but it never sold.

- Yeah. I took it off the market.
- You what?

Okay, Dee Dee, you asked me
to help make a financial plan.

Yeah. The club.

- Okay, what about Barnard?
- Barnard is off the table.

There are other great
options. There's City College,

- Hunter College, SUNY Binghamton... Mmm.
- Zoe got into Barnard.

She's going to Barnard,
and over my dead body,

she doesn't graduate from Barnard.

Trust me, you know what you don't want?

Is her taking this world
trip she keeps talking about.

- Okay, we need to discuss the house.
- What house?

This house.

- [LAUGHS]
- [DOORBELL RINGS]

- Okay, I know it's a lot of change...
- Excuse me.

... coming at you
quickly, but the only way

to get you back to financial solvency...

- [STAMMERS] ... is to dis...
- Don't say "solvency," it, like,

literally, like, makes my eyes tear.

- Hi.
- Dee Dee Cameron?

Yes. Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Oh, my God.

Who's it from?

It's from Charles.

Your husband Charles?

Yeah.

He must've ordered it a while ago, huh?

Oh, nice.

He even got it engraved.

It's your anniversary?

Today, yeah.

Are you okay?

Happy f*cking anniversary.

Where were we?

Oh, yeah.

I raised my daughter in this house.

It's my home.

We're gonna have to make another plan.

[EDWARD] All right. And go.

All right. Good.

- All right. And that's seconds.
- [PANTS]

[GROANS] I wanna sub .

- [SNIFFS, SIGHING]
- Come on. I mean, you're doing great,

and you've still got, like,
two more days until tryouts.

- So...
- Yeah, we've still gotta figure out

- my roller derby nickname.
- Yeah.

I mean, everyone's gonna have
one, like, "Annie the Annihilator,"

or "Teresa the Terminator." [SIGHS]

- Right.
- Yeah.

What about, like, "Shay the Slayer"?

- [CHUCKLES]
- That's really cool.

- Yeah.
- [CHUCKLES] Yeah.

So, um, that-that was
your dad last night, right?

Yeah. Yep. [BREATHES HEAVILY, SNIFFS]

How-How is that?

- How is it?
- Yeah.

I mean, is it-is it-is
it weird or anything?

Why would it be weird?

Just that he's-he's not ever
around, and now he's just here.

- [PANTS] It's not weird, okay? Yeah.
- Okay. Okay, good.

So, he just-he just stays with you guys

even though he and
your mom are divorced?

Yep.

Okay. Cool.

How long is he staying
with you guys for?

- I don't know.
- Oh.

- And that's okay?
- He travels a lot for work,

and now he's got some time, so
he's spending it with us. Okay?

And I've already told
you my dad's a cool guy.

- That's it. End of story.
- Okay.

Oh, man, it's-it's so cool that
he'll be here for your tryouts.

Yeah. I'm really lucky.

- Yeah.
- All right.

- Okay, cool. All right. Ready?
- [CELL PHONE CHIMES]

[STAMMERS] Hold on.

That from your friend?

Uh, yeah, sorry. I gotta go.

Um... [SIGHS] ... sorry.
I-I'll see you later.

Imagine with me: Free college tuition,

affordable housing, health care for all.

And it's possible.

Let's make a law that % of all units

of any new residential
construction must be low-cost.

[CROWD CHEERING]

You could've mentioned this earlier,

so I didn't have to learn
about it from Tucker Carlson.

I told you I was the valedictorian.

Uh-uh, that's not a valedictory
speech, that's a call to arms.

I was passionate.

Fifty percent of units to
low-income renters is...

- Is exactly what I plan to do.
- Socialism!

Natalie.

This speech has already
gotten tons of traction.

We can't alienate our property-owning
voter block and donor base.

I still think that's a hands-on solution

- to the housing crisis.
- [SIGHS]

And if there is confusion
about my position,

then I should work to
make voters understand

why affordable housing is a human right.

This isn't about changing people's
minds, it's about getting elected.

The election is in two weeks,

and you need to do something
about it. Immediately.

[SIGHS]

Dude, what are you doing?

Nothing.

Did you just crop me
out of that picture?

No, I... [SIGHS] It's
none of your business.

That's my girlfriend, you creep.

I didn't... There's nothing going on.

- Put me back in the picture.
- No.

- [GRUNTS] Put me back in the...
- [GRUNTS]

You're not in the picture anymore!

["TURNS OUT I'M SENTIMENTAL
AFTER ALL" PLAYING]

- Hey, Miguel.
- Welcome back, Mr. Chen.

Be back in a minute. [SIGHS DEEPLY]

- I'm sorry. I didn't mean to...
- Walk.

What the hell are you doing here?

The thing I said at dinner
about Brent falling...

- Falling off the wagon after he saw you...
- Yeah, what about it?

I just wanted to say that...

I mean, there's a million
reasons why he fell off.

[STAMMERS] You're, like,
a thousandth on the list.

I don't know if that
makes it better or worse.

- You haven't been coming to group.
- Yeah, work is busy.

Well, if you don't deal with your
sh*t, it's not just gonna go away.

Well, I can't deal with it there.

I'm really starting to
understand what Brent meant now.

He said when sh*t got
real, you ran away.

- Bye, Steve. [SIGHS]
- Wait, Amanda.

You know, I, uh, I cleared
out Ben's storage unit.

Oh.

Yeah, I-I-I took all of
his stuff to Goodwill.

[MILO] Mmm.

And, uh...

I... I couldn't leave
a single thing there.

- [CHUCKLES]
- [MILO STAMMERS] Why?

You know, they say that
a lot of those donations

just end up getting thrown
away. So, I just... I just...

- I just couldn't.
- [MILO] Hmm.

It's his sh*t, you know? [CHUCKLES]

It's his stuff.

It's his... his things.

It just felt wrong.

My garage is still full
of my sister's stuff.

What if we had a garage sale? [CHUCKLES]

I'm opposed to garage
sales on principle.

[ALL LAUGHING]

I mean, the last thing that I wanna
do is make money off of his death.

Well, we could donate the proceeds.

Um, okay, I-I guess.

[AMANDA CHUCKLES] Wait.

Wouldn't that be, like, the
most depressing thing ever?

I mean, "Come to our garage sale."

- "Buy our loved ones' things."
- Ugh.

- No.
- "They're dead, but yeah, sure. Okay."

Well, garage sales are
depressing anyway, so why not?

- [AMANDA] Well, sure. Okay.
- [LINDA] Is this...

Is this a universal
"yes"? 'Cause I was joking.

- [GRIEF GROUP LAUGHING]
- [LINDA] I...

I'll do it if Kojo stays.

- No. No, no. I'm going to Ghana.
- [GRIEF GROUP LAUGHING]

- I'm going to Ghana.
- Oh, now, come on.

Mom?

Are you here, Mom?

What the f*ck? [SIGHS]

Mom?

[DEE DEE SIGHS]

Mom. Hi.

- Oh, my God! Ah! What a surprise.
- Hi. Hi.

- Oh.
- Are you okay?

- Thank you for coming today of all days.
- Yeah, I didn't realize what day it was.

Yeah. Oh, you're so sweet.

I'm so happy to see you.

What are all Dad's clothes doing out?

Oh, uh, the Grief Group is having
a-a garage sale in Whitestone.

You know, for charity.

- So, I'm just, you know...
- So, you're just selling it?

Just a f... You know,
like his ugly golf shirts.

- I don't like those.
- Okay. Um, Mom?

Yeah?

Um, I'm going to Barcelona
tomorrow. [CHUCKLES]

- What?
- Yeah.

Um, so I got the tickets
through a ticket reseller,

and they were really cheap,
um, but the thing with that is

that you have to go when they
have a seat ready for you,

so I'm going tomorrow.

- Tomorrow?
- Yeah.

- Mom, you knew I was gonna do this.
- I just...

I was hoping maybe you'd
wait a little bit, you know?

Like, be here for the
summer or something.

Yeah, um, I wanted to tell you
in person, and I told you, okay?

Zoe, I need you.

I mean, I know this is a
hard time for both of us.

It's just, I... I feel like I
really need you around right now.

- I know, Mom.
- Please.

Please.

I have to go, Mom. I'm
sorry, but I have to.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

["I CAN'T HELP BUT FEEL" PLAYING]

Oh, hey.

It's happy hour. Half off all drinks.

[STAMMERS] I, uh... I'm okay.

Um... I pulled Ben's things
out of the storage unit,

and I noticed that your
things are still there.

I'll clear them out by the
end of the month, like I said.

Okay. Good.

You came a long way just to
tell me something I already knew.

I just... I need to be done with this.

What are you gonna do
with all of Ben's stuff?

[SIGHS] Having a garage sale.

Yeah, I'm gonna donate all the proceeds

to this nonprofit called
Operation Sanctuary.

They... They provide veterans with
access to mental health resources.

That's really cool.

I need to get rid of this stuff. I
need to... [STAMMERS] ... get it...

Get it out of my life
and-and get it to someone

who can actually do some good for it.

I need to get out of
that storage unit, Vernon.

Yeah.

I get it.

To Ben.

[JOURNALIST] Let's just put
it out there. It's socialism.

It's also naive and incredibly
tone-deaf to the needs of our community.

Frankly, I've been saying this all
along. She has no track record.

No platform.

Just because her grandmother was a
national treasure doesn't make her

a viable candidate.

[JOURNALIST ] This is moving
through social media like wildfire.

I don't see how she pivots.

She needs to distance herself
from those statements immediately.

Mmm.

Congresswoman Washington had a knack...

These newspeople in your
country are very horrible.

- ... don't see this with the granddaughter.
- Yeah. [SIGHS]

- I agree. There's no way back from this.
- What are you going to do?

Run away.

[LACEY SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

[LINDA] Yeah. You're living.
This feels right up your alley.

- [LACEY] Yes.
- [LINDA] Look at that card table.

[LACEY] Aw.

- [LACEY] I like that.
- [SCOFFS]

What are you doing here?

I just thought I'd come to help.

Don't you and Daphne
have fun weekend plans?

All right. If you don't
want me here, I mean...

No, it's fine. You can put those out.

[GRUNTS, SIGHING]

What?

Um... [CLEARS THROAT]
... I remember this.

Brent was always looking
through this when we were kids.

We'd be driving to relatives in Jersey,

but he and I were planning road trips

to Manitoba and Twin Falls.

It was like this
handbook for wanderlust.

We were just kids.

- Oh, my gosh! She made it. Look it...
- [CHUCKLES]

I made it. Happy garage sale.

- You look gorgeous. Aw.
- Oh, thank you for coming.

- Aw, it's so good to see you.
- Good.

- [LINDA SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
- Oh, you.

You look more beautiful
every time I see you.

- I know.
- Oh, God. Please.

- It's true.
- Every time.

- You do. You're glowing.
- I'm a cow.

- Hi. Can we help you get set up?
- Oh, whoa.

Who is this handsome drink of water?

Oh, this is my husband, John.

Uh, is... This is John?

- Nice to meet you, John.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, I'm sure you've heard great things.

Oh, you know, no secrets
in Grief Group. [CHUCKLES]

- We'll help you get unpacked.
- Oh, thank you.

Yeah, that's my car.
The Rover, right there.

- And it's unlocked, I think.
- Dee Dee!

- Hi. Oh, hi. How are you?
- Hey. You'll class this place right up.

- This is my wife, Sienna.
- Hi, Si... Let me put this down.

- This beautiful...
- Yeah. Yeah.

Are those your daughters
price gouging the lemonade?

Uh, yeah. We can only
take credit for Geena.

- Very cute.
- [SIENNA CHUCKLES]

- I brought you a little hostess gift.
- Hey, you didn't have to do that.

- No, please.
- Thank you.

This is your anniversary gift?

- 'Cause I... We can't take this.
- Yeah, yeah. No. No,

I want you to have it 'cause
y... I don't know. [CHUCKLES]

Have a romantic evening with it.
I'm not gonna get any action from it.

- You might as well.
- Oh. [CHUCKLES]

- Um...
- What are you...

Do you know how much this cost?

I do not.

[GASPS] $ , .

- Can I see that for a sec?
- Yeah.

- Mmm. Yeah.
- Gosh.

You know, I should probably keep it.

- I... I hate to be that person.
- Of course.

- [SAM] No, it's really...
- I'll get you something else.

- [SAM] Don't worry.
- I will.

- [SIENNA] You don't have to do that.
- I'm just gonna go stick this in the car.

- And I'll check on what they're...
- Okay.

- [DEE DEE CHUCKLING]
- Yeah.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Mahira.

- Uh, thank you. Have a nice day.
- Okay. You too.

Anything else?

No, thank you.

Thank you. Have a nice day.

Thank you.

[JOHN] So you can kinda just scroll.

The space out there is just so empty.

There's the valley, you know,
the mountains in the background.

And it's so quiet.

But there's this presence.

And I'm not a spiritual person,
you know? But, like, I felt it.

You can feel it. I could feel something.

Sorry, I'm just... [CHUCKLES]
I can't. [CHUCKLING]

- [STEVE] Thank you, though.
- [AMANDA] Yeah.

- Well, you could get my number from Lacey.
- John, honey.

- [STEVE] Thank you. Thank you. Yeah.
- Can I talk to you for a sec?

Yeah.

Jesus.

I'm sorry. I know I'm not
supposed to talk about Colorado.

Dee Dee's over there
crying. Great story.

I'm sorry that you hate that I went.

I am sorry that you don't give
a sh*t about my experience.

You should understand
it meant a lot to me.

Exactly. It's about you.

John's experience.

Not mine. Not Dee Dee's. Not
everyone here who's grieving

at a f*cking group therapy garage sale.

It's about you.

[SPECTATORS CHEERING, SHOUTING]

Go ahead.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

- [SPECTATOR ] Come on!
- [GRUNTING]

[SPECTATOR ] Keep left!

Hey, Miracle Boy! I'm
Shay's dad. Come sit.

[GRUNTING]

[SPECTATOR ] That's
okay! That's okay! Get up!

[SPECTATOR ] Come on! Come on!

I'm so sorry, man. I,
uh, heard what happened.

You really are a miracle boy.

Uh, Edward. My n-name is Edward.

[GRUNTING, SHOUTING]

[PLAYER] Go, Shay! Go!

[SPECTATOR ] Go get 'em, Shay!

All right! Come on! Flank me!

[ALL GRUNTING]

- [SHAY] Yeah! [CHUCKLES] Whoo!
- Yes!

- [CHEERS] Yeah!
- [XAVIER CHEERS]

[SIGHS] She's been working on
that move for a couple weeks.

The one where she turns
out and does the side hop.

It's good to know there's
some sort of technique involved

'cause just looks like a bunch
of girls pushing each other to me.

You've never been to a
roller derby bout before?

No. [STAMMERS] Shay's obsession
with this happened while I was away.

- Oh.
- [PLAYERS GRUNTING]

And there she goes again. Wow.

She is a terrific athlete,

but honestly I... [SIGHS]

I'd rather see her spending her
time on something more useful.

But she loves this. This
is everything to her.

She needs to start thinking about

the long-term trajectory
of her decisions.

- Meaning?
- Golf.

Colleges are begging to give
golf scholarships to girls.

Yeah, but she loves roller derby.

[SIGHS] Eduardo, you've got no problem.

Your college essay will write itself

with everything that
you've been through.

I just wanna make sure Shay
has the same chance at a future.

Shay is really smart. She can
get into any college she wants.

- So you really like her, huh?
- No. I... We're just friends.

Well, I don't know too many friends

who crawl into each
other's rooms at night.

Nice move, sweetie!

["SUNDAY" PLAYING]

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY, CHUCKLING]

[ADRIANA] Oh, my God!

- [CHEERS]
- [YELLS]

[ADRIANA] I was five years old
when my grandma first took me here.

I finally understood what people meant

when they talked about mountain air.

You can just breathe deeper here.

So I come up here when I need to think.

[KIDS LAUGHING, SCREAMING]

[ADRIANA] Everything just
seems clearer up here.

- [KOJO] That's very smart.
- [ADRIANA SIGHS]

How did it go telling the group?

[SIGHS] It was sad. Even
Milo expressed an emotion.

- You cracked Milo?
- [CHUCKLES] Yeah.

- And I missed it? Now I'm sad. [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]

[CELL PHONE CHIMES REPEATEDLY]

Oh, God. Guess I have
cell reception now.

Do you need to deal with it?

- No.
- [SCOFFS]

- You can't ignore them forever.
- Not forever.

Just while I'm here.

That was the rule at Bear
Mountain with my grandma.

Work does not exist up here.

Okay. Then let's stay here forever.

- Okay.
- [CHUCKLES]

We could run the popcorn stand

and start a theater company that only
performs Jack and the Beanstalk.

Hmm.

We have mountains in Ghana, you know?

- Oh?
- Mm-hmm.

Aburi. It's a beautiful mountain
town just minutes from Accra.

Imagine. Banana trees.

Songbirds. Your
crystal-clear mountain air.

- That sounds perfect.
- Yeah.

Just if you are going to run
away to the mountains anyway,

might as well be my mountains.

- Okay. [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]

If I decide to run
away to the mountains,

they will absolutely be your mountains.

Oh, you will love it there.
And everyone will love you.

You'll be the queen of Ghana.

Oh, and here I thought you had
a constitutional democracy there.

[SIGHS] Well, we'd
instate a monarchy for you.

Wow.

No man has ever threatened to
overthrow the government for me.

Oh, a coup is the least
I could do for you.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

That's cute.

Hey, man.

- Beautiful home.
- What the hell are you doing here?

Oh, I just did a search for
Operations Sanctuary garage sale,

and this place popped right up.

You can't be here.

Oka... Okay. [STAMMERS]
I can go if you want.

You should.

Ah. [CHUCKLES] Uh, yeah, fine, I'll go.

But, uh, here. Take these.

Ben gave them to me before
he shipped out to Kabul.

They're, like, a hundred
bucks, maybe more.

I was just thinking about
what you were saying before

about Ben's stuff doing some
good for someone else, so...

Hey, babe.

Hi. Welcome.

Uh, this is, uh, Sienna.

- My-My wife.
- [CHUCKLES]

Sam, you didn't mention
how gorgeous your wife is.

- Uh, Vernon.
- [SIENNA] Oh. [CHUCKLES]

How do you two know each other?

Ben. Uh, they used to
share a storage unit.

- He's the guy with all the sh*t.
- [SIENNA] Mmm.

- [VERNON] Guilty as charged.
- [SIENNA CHUCKLES]

It's hard, though, living in a studio.

There's no room for all my stuff.

Unlike this place. I mean,
am I literally in Versailles?

Oh, God no. I... You should have
seen this place two years ago.

It's a total fixer-upper.

Oh, well, no wonder I love it.
I am a sucker for a fixer-upper.

- Just take a look at my dating history.
- [BOTH CHUCKLING]

Well, uh, stay. Take a look
around. Lots of good finds.

Uh, so lovely to meet you...

- Vernon.
- Vernon. Right.

- Didn't mention you had a wife.
- You need to go, man.

I didn't come here to f*ck your sh*t up.

I just wanted to do a nice thing.

And I also really do
love a garage sale. So...

- Well, thanks for coming by.
- Thanks.

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

[SNIFFS]

[INHALES DEEPLY]

So, can I come in?

What's that smell?

- Guess.
- No, what is it?

Uh, it's Nai Nai's soup dumplings.

She, uh... She left me the recipe.

I'm the only one who has it.

Took me about attempts, but
I finally got a passable batch.

I thought maybe...

we could eat them together?

What's this, some
kind of peace offering?

That is exactly what this is. [SIGHS]

- Are you using?
- No,

I have been sober for
months and days.

[INHALES DEEPLY]

[CHUCKLES] Remember these?
[CHUCKLES] Your favorite.

You can't seduce me with
our grandmother's cooking.

- That's not what this is about.
- Congrats on being months sober.

- Come back in another .
- Steve, please.

I don't wanna see your face.

And if you show up at Mom and
Dad's, we will have a big problem.

Will you at least try one?

Get the f*ck out. [SNIFFS]

- Hey, what's up?
- Hey. Yeah, I... I... I made this for you.

Shay the Slayer.

Uh, it's a sticker for
your roller derby helmet.

Do you not like it? Or did you
decide on a-another nickname?

- 'Cause I can make another one.
- No, no, no. It's just, um...

Uh, I'm not joining the team.

What? [SIGHS] They didn't let you in?

No... [STAMMERS]

... I mean, of course I
made the team and everything.

I just... I mean, I realized that
roller derby isn't that useful

in terms of my long-term trajectory.

Is this because of your dad?

I made the decision.

My dad just helped me
identify my big-picture goals.

No, you worked on
that tryout for months.

He's been gone all year, and he
shows up and screws up everything.

- Bullshit, Edward!
- Deep down, you know I'm right.

You put his jacket on the float so
you could b*at the crap out of him.

Right?

What?

You know, my dad was right.
You do have a weird crush on me.

And it is weird that
you sleep on my floor.

No, I don't. He's the
one who made it weird.

It wasn't even weird before.

And I don't have feelings for you.
I'm sort of in this other thing.

Who? Mahira? Your brother's girlfriend?

We connect over him. We
both knew him. You didn't.

She's in love with him.

- She sent me a selfie.
- No, she did not. Prove it.

Who's hand is that? Is
that... Is that Jordan's hand?

- Did you crop your brother out of the pic?
- No.

Okay. Um, whatever, Miracle
Boy. Good luck with all of that.

- So what, you're gonna do golf now?
- Bye.

You suck.

Maybe Xavier and Besa
have the right idea.

I mean, my parents stayed together,
and they just made each miserable.

- [LACEY] Hmm.
- Not to mention everyone around them.

Are you okay, sweetie?

- Hmm?
- Yeah.

I don't know. I personally...
I can't imagine it.

I've never been able to
stay friends with my exes.

She actually said that
to me on our third date.

- Oh, my God.
- She said...

- You said this is either gonna work out...
- You always say that.

- I never said that.
- ... or we're never gonna speak again.

- Yes, you did.
- [LINDA CHUCKLES, SNIFFS]

- How did you guys meet actually?
- [JOHN CHUCKLES]

[LACEY] Oh, just at a bar.

He was actually going after my sister.

I just happened to be
the consolation prize.

Wh... Wait, my mom?

- No. No, I was not flirting with Jane.
- John.

- Don't do that.
- Oh, come on.

It's not flirting to say
you like somebody's clogs?

- [JOHN] No.
- What are clogs?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

- [EDWARD] No, I'm serious. Wh...
- Wait, that was your pick-up line?

They looked cool, okay.

They were red corduroy. They
had buckles on them. Yes.

- She wore that to the bar?
- Oh, oh, oh.

Jane, she could wear a
paper bag and look stylish.

Meanwhile, I had spent
an hour getting ready.

I curled my hair.

I was wearing these five-inch
heels that were k*lling my feet.

Right, exactly. You were sitting
down. So I didn't see you at first.

But once I did...

Once you happened to see the
ring on my sister's finger.

Once I caught a glimpse,
I knew you were the one.

You mean the one for your
trivia team. That was his line.

Did I happen to know anything
about classical music?

I wanted to see you again.

- Seemed like a good excuse.
- [LACEY] Oh, my God.

So then what ends up happening is

Bruce goes on this... this
spiel about... Who... Who was it?

- Stravinsky. [SIPS]
- Right, right.

And I'm sitting there shrugging
like, "This is what you get.

This is what you get for
not making a move sooner."

We're all stuck at
this dive bar listening

to Bruce ramble on
about the Russian ballet.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

You conveniently left
this part out of the story.

You mean the part where you-you
weren't looking for anything serious?

Yeah. Just a one-night stand. Hmm.

A -year one-night stand.

And then Dee Dee with
that champagne. I mean...

At least she didn't try to
force-feed us pastries this time.

[SIGHS] And then there
was that Vernon guy.

[SCOFFS] What a character.

Uh, yeah, I guess.

So he was Ben's friend?

Yeah.

But do you think he and
Ben were, like, together?

Nah. [STAMMERS]

[CHUCKLES] Wha... What?

- I...
- [STAMMERS] You mean... You... You think...

You think Ben was gay?

Yeah, I don't know. Uh, maybe. I...

You know, I called it
with my old boss, remember?

And...

I don't know. I just...

I sort of thought that maybe
Ben was in love with you.

Sometimes just the way
I saw him looking at you.

What?

I mean... [STAMMERS] ...
you just never said anything.

Wh... I didn't wanna make things weird.

It was just a feeling
that I got sometimes.

Well, he never mentioned
anything to me. So...

[SIGHS] God, that is so sad.

I mean, he couldn't even tell you.

I just wonder if he ever found love.

I really hope he did.

Well, I, uh, kinda see why
he never told me anything.

'Cause I just don't get it.
Like, why would I wanna be

- with a guy's rough, scratchy face...
- [CHUCKLES]

... when I could have
this soft, velvet neck?

- Mmm.
- [CHUCKLES]

This shoulder.

- [KISSING] This curve right here.
- [BREATHING HEAVILY]

[KISSES] Like silk.

How do you feel so good? [KISSES]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

And once you have this evenly
browned, you sandwich the marshmallow,

and that's your s'more.

- So you take perfectly good chocolate...
- Yes.

... then you put it on a cr*cker
with a hot blob of sugary gelatin?

- Yes.
- [CHUCKLES]

I thought that chili cheese dog

was the worst American
food you made me eat,

- but this one has to be it.
- You have to try it, Uncle Kojo.

Yeah, be more culturally
open-minded, Uncle Kojo.

- Fine. One bite.
- [ADRIANA] Yeah.

Nice.

Thought so. Another one coming right up.

- Hmm. Okay.
- [SIGHS]

Aren't you supposed to tell
stories around the fire too?

- Oh. Oh, of course. Of course.
- [GASPS] Yeah.

Okay. [CLEARS THROAT]

Once upon a time,

- there was a beautiful queen...
- [ADRIANA] Hmm.

... who ruled over a tiny
island called New York.

And this queen was kindhearted and fair.

And she wanted the best for her people,

who were in great need
of food and shelter.

But the queen's closest
advisers were threatened

by her new way of doing things.

And so they banished the
queen to a far-off mountain.

And they bound her there
with a very powerful spell.

And the queen was so sad and alone.

And she had to subsist
on squishy sugar blobs

- that she roasted over the fire.
- Tragedy.

But one day,

she met the most handsome
man she'd ever seen before...

- Mm-hmm.
- ... who had an empire of his own.

- [CHUCKLES] Oh, did he?
- For he was the King

- of Porta-Potties.
- [CHUCKLES]

The King of Porta-Potties.

Wow. [CHUCKLES]

And they fell instantly in love.

The deepest and truest love
either of them had ever known.

In fact, this love far
outpowered the mean-spirited magic

of her advisers.

Which meant that the spell which
bound her to the mountain was broken.

She was free to leave.

So, the Queen of New York
was left with a decision.

Yeah.

Should she return to her own life

and never see this exceptionally
handsome king again?

Or should she follow her heart
and go with him to his kingdom,

even if it meant leaving behind
everything she's ever known?

She should follow her heart.

I agree.

Well, it's interesting that
there's only one option.

Why can't this incredibly handsome
king move to New York with her?

That is just the fairy tale.

I didn't write it.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

- I just wanted to...
- I think...

- Sorry, go ahead.
- No, no, you go first.

I think that I should move out.

Oh.

Happy anniversary, honey.

[ZOE] Hi, Mom.

[DEE DEE] Zoe!

Yeah.

[INHALES SHARPLY]

- Hi.
- What are you doing?

What does it look like I'm doing?

I'm drinking champagne by
myself out of a juice glass.

- [CHUCKLES]
- What are you doing here?

I postponed my trip.

- Oh.
- I'm still gonna travel the world.

I'm just not going quite yet.

Oh.

Yeah.

He asked me to pick this out for you.

- You picked this out?
- Mm-hmm.

[CHUCKLES]

What? It was your th anniversary.

I wasn't gonna go cheap
on it, and neither was he.

Zoe, this bottle of champagne...

This bottle of champagne is incredible.

[CHUCKLES] Happy anniversary.

Thank you.

Jesus, Mom. At least use a flute.

["ANCHORS" PLAYING]

Happy anniversary.

- Mmm.
- [SMACKS LIPS] Oh, wow.

[SIGHS, INHALES DEEPLY]

[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

[JORDAN] What are you smiling for?

She wants to talk.

[CHUCKLES] God, you're such an idiot.

- No, I'm not.
- [JORDAN SIGHS]

I can't believe I'm not
here to teach you this sh*t.

You're screwed.

- Why am I screwed?
- Listen,

when a girl says, "We need to
talk," that's not a good thing.

You're just jealous.

Yeah, okay. Sure. [GRUNTS] We'll
see. Just don't say I didn't warn you.

- Can I just say...
- No. Shut up.

I love her because of you.

Whatever, man.

[SIGHS]

Good night, stupid.