02x01 - No Family is Perfect

[bunniefuu]

["HAPPY TOGETHER" PLAYING]

Imagine me and you, I do I think about you day and night It's only right To think about the girl you love And hold her tight So happy together If I should call you up, invest a dime And you say you belong to me And ease my mind Imagine how the world would be So very fine So happy together I can't see me lovin' nobody but you For all my life When you're with me Baby, the skies will be blue For all my life Me and you and you and me No matter how they toss the dice I've been here 17 hours.

I have to get home.



- Me too, man.



- No, but I really do.

Are you saying my situation isn't also urgent? No, Ron.

I'm sure you have to get to your apartment before the asparagus people come back.

They're not asparagus people, Joel.

They pronounce it "oz

-para

-gauze.

" And they are certainly not people.

If they were, I wouldn't have to seal my ears with peanut butter at night just to keep them from infiltrating my brain.

They're so intrusive.

And their music I'm thinking this isn't your first time here.

I've been captured before.

Why? Have you ever found a way out? Why should I help you when you don't even treat me like a human being? Okay.

I'm sorry, Ron.

I shouldn't have belittled your conflict with the oz

-para

-gauze.



- "Oz

-para

-gauze.

"

- I said "oz

-para

-gauze.

" We both know you didn't.

Let's not talk for a minute.

It's just my wife is going through this thing, and I have to get her this very specific medicine because she's getting worse.

What's going on with your wife? Unless you don't want to talk about it because those creatures you mocked with your lazy pronunciation might be listening.

Actually, you may be the only person I can talk to about it.

[WOMAN ON PA]

Code Gray, Psychiatry.

Code Gray, Psychiatry.

She's undead.

Really? How is that going? Honestly? Mixed.

She has an intensity I love, but having to find human flesh for her to eat

- that's been hard.



- I can imagine.

We're realtors, so k*lling people and stuffing them into freezers doesn't come naturally.

That must be exhausting.

Now, she's getting more aggressive.

Who knows what she might do? I can't be here anymore.

I'm sorry, Joel, but there's just no way out.

And if you try, they will just keep you here longer.



- [DOOR BUZZES]



- Hello, gentlemen.



- Are you ready for group?

- Doctor, I need to go home.



- We both need to get out of here now, man.



- But I really do.



- Me, too.



- Ron! My thing is separate.

Joel, you're on a 72

-hour hold.

We can't let you go until you're no longer a danger to yourself or anyone else.



- Shall we, gentlemen?

- Wi

- Will there be juice?

- One box per person, Ron.

Same as always.



- Can I have yours?

- Then I wouldn't get one.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Okay, bye.

The soonest we could get a Serbian exchange student is six months.

In six months, your mom may be just a rotting, indiscriminate k*lling machine.

But probably not.

We don't know.

It's all good.

Are you sure it has to be Serbian bile to make the serum? Yeah, it's in the book.

Since the first outbreak was in Serbia, they're the only ones who have built up immunity.

I feel like I'm blowing this! Abby, we're trying.

What about that job message board?

- Did you post on that?

- Yeah, a few hours ago.



- [ABBY]

Here.



- [ERIC]

"Are you Serbian? Do you want to make a $130 just for throwing up? You know you do.

Send copy of birth certificate.

No d*ck pics, please.

" Yeah, I had to add that 'cause, apparently, it wasn't obvious? But, honestly, it just made people more creative.

[LOUD CRUNCHING]



- There's that noise.

Do you hear that?

- I think it's coming from the basement.

[CRUNCHING CONTINUES]

Mom? [SHEILA]

Yes, honey? Everything all right? [SHEILA]

Yep.

All good.



- [CRUNCHING CONTINUES]



- Are you making that noise?

- [SHEILA]

What noise?

- [CRUNCHING CONTINUES]



- Maybe we should check on her.



- I really don't want to do that.

She's chained up.

I will bet every time someone has said that about the undead, it has never ended well.

[SIGHS]

Okay.

Mom? What are you up to? Oh, just book reading.

Any news from your dad? No, not since last night when he called from the hospital, so Holy sh*t! Are you chewing the post? Okay, here's the deal.

Mommy's going a little crazy down here, so I need to get out.

And I know you're worried I'm gonna go out there and k*ll somebody, but think about all the people I haven't k*lled.

Literally, everyone in the world,

- except three people.



- [ERIC]

Hey, Abby?

- You should come look at this!

- Yeah, okay.

Look, I'm sorry, but you put me in charge, and I'm not letting you out.

And stop chewing the post.

It holds up the whole f*cking house.

[CHAIN CLATTERING]

We got a hit on the job posting.

There's a Serbian gentleman in Newhall willing to vomit.

Of course he's in Newhall.

Text me his address.



- Tell him I'm on my way.



- Wait.

I'll go with you.



- Is the rest of the serum done?

- Not quite.

My mom is eating the house like a giant, manipulative termite, so you need to keep working on the cure.



- I have pepper spray.



- You know, it's not a cure.

It will only stop her symptoms from progressing.

And there's no way she can get out of those chains, right? Oh, what am I doing? Nobody asks that and lives.

Joel, why don't you tell us why you're here? I got upset and trashed someone's house.

But being here and reflecting on my actions, which were wrong and I'm sorry and will never happen again, has made me feel like I'm ready to rejoin society and interact with my fellow citizens from all walks of life, be they women, men, questioning, different races, tall or small, thin or large.

They all contribute to the fabric of this great country.

Thank you.

Felt like you got a little off at the end there.



- Yeah, I f*cked that up.



- Ron, tell us why you've come back to us.

Well I am being harassed by the interdimensional beings again.

But something happened last week.

Tell us about that.

My wife d*ed.

Oh, my God.

Ron, I didn't know.

She'd been sick and wasn't getting any better.

I had her at home and had just finished making her breakfast.

She didn't want it.

She just smiled at me and said, "Everything's going to be okay, sweetie.

" And then she closed her eyes.

She was here with her beautiful smile.

And then she was gone forever.

I can't imagine.

I lost my wife for ten seconds, and in those seconds, I wanted to die with her.

Why do they tease us with such tiny amounts of juice?

- Who wins this game?

- Here.



- Thank you.



- [QUIETLY]

Yeah, yeah.

They let me go downstairs to the morgue yesterday to see her one last time.

The morgue.

I've been to that morgue.

She didn't look the same.

That must have been so hard.

Did you happen to notice if any of the bodies had Serbian

-sounding names? They usually end in the letters "I

-C" or the syllable "vich.

" [SHEILA]

Abby? Oh, sh*t.

She's not here, Mrs.

Hammond! [SHEILA]

Oh? You wanna go in the yard and have a game of catch? I can't unchain you.



- [SHEILA]

Where did Abby go?

- Just out.

[SHEILA]

Can you come down here for a minute? No, thank you! [SHEILA]

Eric, come down here.

I'm so, unable to say "no" to authority.

The teenager stupidly went below the house.

Great job.

You displayed genuine compassion with Ron.

That shows me you're not a danger to yourself or anyone else,

- so I'm going to release you.



- Really? Whatever your problem is, we're not going to fix it in another 48 hours.

We don't fix anyone.

We just put Band

-aids on people and toss them back, alone, into a cold, cripplingly indifferent society.

Totally.

So, I'm gonna get my shoelaces and run down to the basement.

[SIGHS]



- Are you okay?

- [SCOFFS]

The only time I talk to someone healthy is when they're saying goodbye.

Well bye.



- So, where's Abby?

- She went to get bile.

Oh, really? From who? Some man we found online.

A man you found online? And you let her go alone?

- She took pepper spray.



- Alright man.

You gotta let me outta here.



- I need to make sure she's okay.



- I'm not supposed Eric, she's 16.

Come on, you can come with me.

I'll even wear handcuffs.

I don't have handcuffs.

My bedroom, bottom drawer.

Don't touch anything else.



- Go.



- Wait, really? You have handcuffs? We recently discovered how intense sex is if your lover orgasms while you

- How much of this do you wanna hear?

- Less than that.

All right.

Get these chains off and let's find her.

Okay, it's an apartment on Mountain View.

It's near the mall.

Of course, in Santa Clarita, everything's near a mall, right? So many shopping opportunities.

I talk when I'm nervous.

Hang on.

Uh

-uh.



- Huh.



- Mm.

Sorry, honey.

I only wear these in a sexual context.



- Oh, God.

What are you gonna do?

- We're gonna go find my daughter.

Will you help me pop these back in?

- Don't pass out.



- Okay.

No, seriously, don't pass out.

sh*t.

[DOG BARKING]

Oh, hello.

Are you here for the Tori Amos tickets? No, your throw

-up.

Oh.

You weren't what I was expecting.

Where are my manners? I'm Goran.

Please, entrez.

No, that's okay.

I'll just take it and go.

I don't have it yet.

I figured you'd want to watch me do it.

No, no, you figured me wrong.

Strange.

I've never fingered somebody wrong before.

I said "fingered.

"

- Goodbye.



- No! Wait! I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

My sense of humor can be a real jerk sometimes.

Please, come in.

I shall retire to another room at once to produce the precious nectar of my stomach.

[SIGHS]

Awesome.

[KNOCKING]

Hello.



- I purchased a foot here two weeks ago.



- Yeah, sure, I remember.



- How'd that work out for you?

- Excellent.

Thank you.

I'm looking for something very specific.

I have a vag*na I can sell you for 500.

It's a little past its "best

-use

-by" date, but it'll get 'er done.

Dear God! Who comes here? Brace yourself.

Mostly men.

I need a fresh gallbladder, but it has to be from someone who's Serbian.

God, what are you into? I love it.

Come on in.

Let's take a look around, you sick f*ck.

Here is your vomit, milady.

I take PayPal, Venmo, Bitcoin

- I have cash.



- Oh, how very retro.

I produced a bit extra,

- if you'd like to top it off.



- No, I'm good.



- Would you like to stay for a chocolat?

- Not in a million years.

Maybe you'd prefer something salty, then.

I can get very sweaty.

I'm going.

I just wanted your vomit.

Why'd you have to make it weird? Eric! I did it! Abby Hammond, taking charge, kicking ass and talking to nobody.

Nobody's here.

Oh, my God! What the f*ck? What are you doing?

- I know this might seem a bit forward.



- Did you follow me home? Every day, there are moments we let pass

- Get outta here, you creep!

- Moments that could define

- the rest of our lives.



- [SHEILA YELLING]

[GORAN SCREAMING]

[GORAN SCREAMING]

You see? They always get out.

Sheila? I got the bile! It's gonna be okay, sweetheart.

I love you and we have each other.

Everything else we can figure out What the f*ck is this? Honey! You're home.

We're a family again.

Hi, Dad.

Don't worry, I've got everything under control.

Really? Because through fresh eyes, it does not look great.

This man was threatening Abby.

Our kitchen looks like the inside of a shark.

Well, I admit it, it went on a little longer than necessary.

And then ten minutes after that.

Well, gee, that's not good.

Guys, great news! The serum worked.

Sheila will never get worse than this.

Joel.

Bu Not getting worse.

I mean, that's wonderful news, isn't it?

- You got bile?

- I did!

- From this guy.



- [DOORBELL RINGS]

I vote we don't answer that.

Okay, I'm glad you got bile.

I paid $300 for mine 'cause no one called, but whatever.

And how do we know it worked? I took samples of her tar

-blood

-goo.

The cells stopped deteriorating.

Wanna see for yourself? The light's better in the bathroom.



- Smells better, too.



- So, then, this is it? Sheila rage

-k*lling a man, not for food, in our house, in front of our daughter that's how she's gonna be from now on? Again, not getting worse.



- Yay!

- [DOORBELL RINGS]

[RICK]

It's Rick and Alondra! Are you home?

- Oh, crap!

- [ALONDRA]

Your cars are in the driveway, so we know that you are, and you're gonna realize that later, and it's going to be awkward.



- God, they know us so well.



- I guess I'll answer the door.

Huh.

Look at that.

Not a drop of blood on my pepper mill.

Hey, Rick, Alondra.

A sheriff friend told Rick you destroyed the school principal's house, and they carted you off to the hospital, so I brought cookies.



- Oh!

- We wanted to see that you're all right.

I'm fine.

It was a misunderstanding.

I was helping him move some furniture, and it got away from us.

I don't understand.

It's nice out, isn't it? I may get another hummingbird feeder for out here.



- Why are you not opening your door?

- Oh.

Sheila's napping.

Oh.



- We'll be quiet.



- Sorry.

She fell asleep in the hall.



- Sheila fell asleep in the hall?

- Like, on the floor? She's just tired.

She was up late last night baking a pie, and it took longer than expected.

Plus, our kitchen's a huge mess.

Unbelievable.

[CHUCKLES]

If you saw it, you would not know how to process it.

Well, I should get back.



- Do you want the cookies?

- Of course.

Just leave them on the porch.

I had such a good day at the asylum.

I'm so sorry.

I helped someone.

Made me feel better about myself.

And then you come home to this.

It's my fault! All of it.

I should never have let her out of the basement.

I'm

-I'm responsible for everything.

Really? No one's gonna argue that? Great stuff.

Well, I'm gonna run to the store for more cleaning supplies.

And I will pay, so don't even think about it.

Okay.



- So, what now?

- [DOOR OPENS]



- We get Alondra's porch cookies.



- [DOOR CLOSES]

I think what your dad meant was what to do now about me since I've become extra "k*ll

-y.

" I didn't say that.

But you wouldn't mind if I went back down to the basement.

Well, if going to the basement until we figure this out feels right to you, then you should go to the basement.

Unless someone else has another idea besides going to the basement.

But I am hearing the word "basement" a lot.

So, that's relevant.

[SIGHS]

You've been staring at the cleaning products for, like, a really long time.

Oh.

Sorry.

It's okay.

There's a lot going on in this aisle.

I wanted to make sure you weren't overwhelmed.

Sometimes I do feel overwhelmed.

Me too.

Wait.

Not just in this aisle, right? No.

Everywhere.

Then me too.

There's just so much happening right now.

And I don't always know the right thing to do.

We all just do the best we can.

Except for Leslie, the cashier.

She's become a problem.

But do you ever feel like your best sometimes isn't enough? Everyone does, except Leslie.

This girl I know, um, her mom's been sick, and it's gotten worse.

And I wanna help because they're like family to me,

- but I never feel like I'm doing enough.



- You are.

But how can I know that, Ramona? You'd do anything for this family, right? Guy without a name tag? Oh.

Eric.

And yes.

Then you're doing enough.

Here, this one's good for blood.



- How did you know I ?

- You have some on your shoes.

So, is this how it's gonna be now? We just keep Mom in the basement and only let her out to shower and hunt? I guess for the time being.

Mom wanted to take me shopping for a dress this week.

I don't think I need a dress.

I already have one.

I just wanna know if that's still happening.



- When I was at the asylum

- Don't say "asylum.

" It sounds like they sent you to the 19th century.

Okay.

When I was at the "time

-out resort," I had a roommate, Ron.

Ron lost his wife a week ago, and it sent him spiraling.

He is never gonna see her again.

At least we still have your mom.

Chained in the basement.

No family is perfect.

[DOORBELL RINGS]



- Oh, my God!

- What? Finally, something wonderful is happening.

What? Hey, there.

I got a half

-mushroom, half

-olive pizza, one shrimp cocktail, a side of spinach, and for Abby's lunch tomorrow I was told to say that a meatball sandwich, all for the amazing price of $35.

Here.

You can keep that.

Thank you.

And I know this will appear unprofessional,

- but may I use your powder room?

- It's fine, but no.

Eh

- Mom brought us food.



- She even got me a shrimp cocktail.



- She's the best.



- She really is.



- I hope we never have to k*ll her.



- Boy, me too.



- Hi, honey.

Did dinner come?

- It was great.



- Thank you for my shrimp cocktail.



- Of course.

Since I know you're not crazy about Japopo's, I went with Machichi's.



- I think the quality is better.



- I know, I read your Yelp review.

Here.

I know how much you like organ meat, so I brought you Goran's kidney.

Aw! Thanks.

[MOANS]

It's so rich.

So, how you doin'? Great.

I was putting together a schedule for you.



- We have that open house on Tuesday.



- I'll take care of it.

And then I was going to take Abby dress shopping on Thursday.

She likes that store Debbie and Debbie's.

But you have to ask for tall Debbie because white Debbie is a c**t.

Tall Debbie.

Got it.

It's gonna be all right, sweetie.



- I know.



- It will.

We'll get a desk down here.

We can paint the walls.

Sure.

It'll be nice.

Put in some carpet.



- I'd love a longer chain.



- Totally.

Twenty, 30 feet, whatever you want.

Maybe a television.

It'll be the nicest room in the house.



- We'll make it work.



- Yeah.

Just don't give up on me.

Never.

["IT'S MY LIFE" PLAYING]

It's a hard world to get a break in All the good things have been taken But, girl, there are ways to make Certain things pay Though I'm dressed in these rags I'll wear sable Someday Hear what I say I'm gonna ride the serpent

- [CHAIN RATTLING]



- [GASPS]

No more time spent [SHEILA]

You're back.

I lost you once.

That was enough.

Remember, remember It's my life and I'll do what I want It's my mind And I'll think what I want Show me I'm wrong We're not living apart.

But someday I'll treat you real fine But we should keep the chains, you know, for sex stuff.

Right on.



- [DOOR OPENING]



- [FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

It's my life and I'll do what I want It's my mind And I'll think what I want Show me I'm wrong, hurt me sometime

- But someday I'll treat you real fine

- Don't eat me.

I'll try not to.

But you're so damn cute! It's my life and I'll do what I want [RINGTONE PLAYING]

Hello?

- [RAMONA]

Eric.



- Ramona? I hope you don't mind my calling.

No.

No, not at all.

I got your number from your rewards card.

Oh, I love that thing.

The savings really add up.



- So, how are you?

- Fine.

I was thinking about your friend with the sick mom.

Is your friend your age with strawberry

-blonde hair?

- Yeah.

Abby.

Why?

- She was in yesterday.

She's pretty.

Is she your girlfriend? No.

I'm as single as a hummingbird moth at the end of June.

They mate at the beginning of June.

I like science.

And moths.

I like science and moths, too.

Really? What's your favorite moth? The emperor.

Duh.

I know.

That was easy.

My boyfriend has zero interest in moths.



- Oh.



- I mean, my ex

-boyfriend.

- We just broke up.

- Oh! Um

- Are you Are you okay?

- Yeah.

Although it was a little messy.

[CRUNCHES]

So, maybe we can hang out sometime.

Yeah.

Yeah.