03x10 - The Cult of Sheila

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Santa Clarita Diet". Aired: February 3, 2017 – March 29, 2019.
Joel and Sheila Hammond are everyday suburban real estate agents in Santa Clarita, California that face a series of obstacles when Sheila undergoes a metamorphosis, becomes undead and starts craving human flesh.
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03x10 - The Cult of Sheila

Post by bunniefuu »


Many times I tried to tell you Many times I cried alone Always I'm surprised how well you Cut my feelings to the bone [SHEILA SIGHS]

Don't want to leave you really I've invested too much time To give you up that easy To the doubts That complicate your mind We belong to the light We belong to the thunder We belong to the sound of the words We've both fallen under Whatever we deny or embrace For worse or for better We belong, we belong We belong together [OMINOUS MUSIC STARTS PLAYING]


Make sure the caterer brings four kinds of sandwiches, but they should only charge us for three.

I'm helping them with a rental property.

I have a question.

The chocolate fountain will be here by nine.

- Did you

- Yes, five tiers.

- Did you

- Dark chocolate.

- Did you

- The gummy bear and pretzel package.

So f*cking happy right now.

The chardonnay hasn't arrived.

Did you call the distributor? Okay.

Only finishing Joel's sentences.

Got it.

I'm messing with you.

I got a better price from another vendor.

It'll be here within the hour.

Guys, relax.

Everything's handled.


Thanks, Gary.

We're just nervous.

This launch party is super important.

- Super super important.

- Which is why [GARY GASPS]

You don't want me there.

We just think carrying you around in a backpack is too risky.

But I did all the work.

I want to be in on the action.

I'm sorry, we can't.

Is Mr.

Ball Legs going? Buddy, don't be like that.


Listen, I need to talk to you about my future.

Your future? In the company.

I need more of a commitment from you guys.

- Or what? You're going to walk away?


I got another job offer.

- What?

- What? I didn't go looking for it, but it's an excellent shop, and they were impressed how I outmaneuvered them on the Thompson listing.

How could you leave? I mean, no offense.


You've seen you.

I'd still live here, but my work is all phones and internet.

In 10 years, no one's going to have a body anymore.

I can't believe this.

After all we've done for you.

You mean k*ll me and eat my intestines? After that.

All right, Gary.

What's it going to take to make you stay? Some money for my niece, every month.

Vacation time.

Maybe drive me to Tahoe once a year, rent a boat.

Figure out a way to get me into a casino.

Look, details to be determined.

The point is if you want me to stay.

I need more of a commitment about my future.

He's a head on a table.

We have the upper hand.

We have all the hands.


I don't think what he's asking for is that unreasonable.


Even tuna tastes better.

I can see why the Aztecs worshipped chocolate as a god.

That is not even close to being factually accurate.

So, what do we do with Gary? I think we commit.

Tell him we're in it for the long haul.

Everybody wants clarity about their future, Joel.




Me, me, me.

You want to talk about our future? Since you brought it up, I didn't want to bug you, but any more thoughts about immortality? Look at the prize you'd get.

It's a great prize.

And yet, you're not jumping in to claim it.



- Oh, my God.

- Sheila I love you more than anything in this world.

But you're not sure if you want to be with me forever.

Just say it.

I don't know if two people can be together forever.

What if love is only possible because life is fleeting? That knowing it's going to end is the reason why people cling to each other.

So all that stuff about you not wanting to eat people or being afraid of your "Id", that wasn't the problem.

The problem was you weren't sure about us.

Sweetheart, I love you.

Stop saying that.


- Hi.

- Hi.

Happy launch party! You guys are fighting.

Well, I brought tequila.

It always makes things better.

Or worse.

I appreciate you helping me get my guitar back.

That being said, hurry the f*ck up.

Picking a lock is hard.

The website was incredibly misleading.

And these would make terrible Christmas gifts.



- [ABBY]



- Shit!

- What? I was supposed to get breakfast with Eric today.

I completely forgot.

Would've been helpful to have him here.

He could've been our lookout.

Or brought us breakfast.

I need to keep him away from this stuff.

I think it's sweet you're trying to protect him.

Okay, here.

Let me try.

I don't know if I'll be any better, but I'll definitely be less critical.

So What's the deal with you two, anyway? Everyone keeps asking me that.

I like Eric.

I'm just not sure it's in a way the kids call amorous.

Maybe you should find out.

Maybe you should focus on opening the door.

Maybe you're just a badass when it comes to blowing shit up, but a coward when it comes to your personal life.

Maybe Actually, maybe.

Oh, I heard a click.

Who are you? The cleaning crew.

I'm the cleaning crew.

We're going to have to see some ID.

Okay, here's the deal.

Dustin stole my friend's guitar and we need to get it back.

Dustin's an assh*le.

He throws half

-full cans of soda in the trash and he won't give me the Wi

-Fi password.

You can get your guitar.

Also life's short, you should go for it with Eric.

It's a thin door.

I just don't want to f*ck things up.

You guys.

Love doesn't always shout.

Sometimes it whispers.

Well, thanks for the advice Sonia Holloway.

That's the name of the cleaning company.

Right on.




It was nice to meet you, and when you're ready, we'll be ready to find you the home of your dream.

Because our dream is your dream home.

We're still working on the slogan, but we know it's gonna have the words "home" and "dream" in it.


We have a problem.

Is it that you can't love me for all eternity? No, it's that I think it's possible the human condition requires the certainty of death, in order for us to be capable of unconditional love.

And that's not it.

Your undead Meals


-Wheels woman, who, you said, promised not to leave her apartment, is in our living room.

And if she kills someone, no matter how great the rest of the party is, that's all anyone's gonna remember.


Fine, I'll go talk to her.

And your philosophical musings on love are bullshit.

You're just scared.

You were scared to get married.

You were scared to have a kid, and I'm tired of dragging you along.

So if you don't want to do this, then the hell with it.

So, how do you know the Hammonds? Oh, Sheila changed my life.

Really? Mine, too.

I was heading in the wrong direction, and she grabbed the wheel and steered me into birds.

Like, in a car? What? No.

Ah! I see the problem.

No, we weren't running over birds.

That's not what she's about.

She helped me realize I should follow my dream and work with them.

Oh, that's lovely.

I used to sit all day in my recliner.

Now, thanks to Sheila, I want to stir things up, get shit done.

My neighbor won't turn down his music.

I'm gonna f*ck him up.

You know what I'm saying? Kind of.

Truthfully, you also kind of scare me.

Jean! Tommy! I didn't expect to see either of you here.

Someone named Gary invited us.


He said he wanted a good turnout to support you and Joel.

He's the best.

Excuse us one second.

You were supposed to stay in your apartment until we k*ll you.

Worst thing ever said by a Meal


-Wheels volunteer.

I'm sorry.

It's harsh, but you promised.

Sweetheart, I'm only here to support you and Jesus, look at the ear lobes on that guy.

Why don't they pass those around on a tray? Jean, Jean no.

This party must go smoothly, which means nothing undead, besides me, and now, you.


Hi, Sheila.

God dammit! Ron, Jean.

Excuse us a minute.

Hi, nice Oh! What are you doing here? Remember how I wanted to turn people, and you and Joel told me it was a bad idea? Well, you guys were right.

I turned two gentlemen, and now they are rampaging on an ill

-conceived smorgasbord of death.

See? You should have listened to us.

You're worse than Abby.

I am worse than Abby.

I also told them Joel is a Knight of Serbia, so at some point, they may try to k*ll him.

And I put my name on someone else's hostess gift.

Now, you know everything.

And when you're ready, we'll be ready.

Because your dream house is our dream, which we will dream until your dream comes true.

Until you get a house.

Nope, that's not it.


Okay, there's a man here that I would like to get to know better, ideally with less clothes on, but he said he wants to buy a house.

And since it's your party, I'm putting your needs first.

- Thank you.

- For five minutes, and then I am coming back in with everything blazing.


- Party's going great, huh?

- Mm


I wish I could enjoy it more.

I hurt Sheila's feelings, and I don't know if I can fix it.


He's in the garage and now you're down to four minutes.

Got it.

Hello, I understand you Why, hello, Mr.




It'd be so cool if you're here because you wanna buy a house.

Sorry, but I'm here because I know it's you who is undead.

You're making a mistake.

Am I? I followed you this morning Mr.


I saw your storage unit.

I know it's you.

Unless Okay.

You're right.

I'm undead.

Now what? You going to sh**t me? Better make it count.

Otherwise, I'm going to tear out your neck.

- How's it going?

- [MAN]

How are ya? I'm not gonna sh**t you.

But I will sh**t everyone else in this room if you don't come quietly with me.


One party.

One successful party.

That's all I wanted.

But it feels successful.

Food's good.

Everyone mingling.

I heard some new jokes.


It's ending on a bad note.


Have you seen Joel? Yes, I introduced him to a potential client because I'm wonderful, and I sacrifice my own needs for others.

Yay, me! Anyway, they left together.


Who was it? A man with an unusual name.

Something like David Popsicle? It's not that, but I feel like that's close enough that he might respond to it.

- Dobrivoje Poplovic?

- Oh, that's it.



The guy from the Consulate.

I've a headache.

So I'm gonna go home and take a Valium.

But if my speech isn't too impaired, I may come back.

Oh, my God.

Joel's been taken.

I know where Poplovic probably has him.

I was kidnapped there yesterday.

Hm I've been kidnapped twice this week.

I hope it's not one of those things that comes in threes.

I'm going to find him.

Do you want me to come with? Fair warning.

While I am braver than I was I am still a huge coward.

No, you stay here.

Text me the info.

And make sure everyone has drinks.

And make sure they try the creamy onion casserole.

What's going on? Someone took Joel.

Sheila went to find him.

- Alone?

- I offered.

You're trying to w*apon the virus.

- Is that what this is about?

- No.

- You're lying!

- No.

- You wanna create an undead army.

- No.

You're lying! All right, I'll tell you if you promise not to tell anyone else.

I'm kidding.

You're never gonna talk to anyone else.

We'll see about that.



You were saying.

The Serbian government sponsored my initial research, as they feared a modern

-day plague.

But soon, I found something of far greater value.

You're gonna sell the virus to the highest bidder!

- No.

- Really? Closer? [SIGHS]

I'm not after the virus that causes the undead.

I'm after the dark necrofluid that runs through their veins.

The black goo? Why? Because I discovered it can stop cells from aging.

The promise of eternal youth.

The beauty industry has been chasing it forever, but now I can provide it at a price.

And all I need is a steady supply of the undead.

Who you'll imprison and harvest like farm animals! You know what? I should just stop guessing.

No, that's exactly right.

I knew it! And it all starts with you.


Son of a bitch! You're bleeding.

Ha! There are no undead.

You're not gonna be rich.

I'm Roy Eastman Kodak, a medieval scholar from a local University! Impossible.

But if it's not you then who is it? [MAN]

Hey, hey! You can't just walk in here.

- I've gotta get to the basement.

- [MAN]

Whoa, whoa.

Honey, honey.

That's not gonna happen.

Come on.

A handsome man like you.

A lady like me.

A sexy lobby like this.

- All right, come on.

Let's go.

- Wait.

One second.

Here's $200.

Is that a bribe? It's not a bribe.

It's to pay for your nose.



Hey! Hey! [GROANS]

This is Evan.

Ground floor, we have a breach.

- Who are you protecting?

- No one.

Must be someone you care about very much.


Now you're the one making wrong guesses.

Makes you feel bad about yourself, huh? Makes you feel a little dumb? It's someone you're willing to risk everything for.

Someone who, perhaps, would also risk everything for you.



- Joel!

- Sheila, no! Hi, there.



I believe your someone is here to rescue you.


And here she is.

My Queen Bee.


f*ck you.

Never be mean to the man who's going to determine the size of your cage.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to arrange your transport.

Where are you taking us? Oh, I won't be taking you anywhere, because I'm going to k*ll you.

If that wasn't clear.

I mean, afterwards, I may move your body, but from your perspective You get it.


Love my dad so much right now.


- [ERIC]


In here! What's going on? You blew me off last night, you blew me off for breakfast.

And now you're dipping things into a chocolate fountain and you didn't call me? I was going to call you.

I just got home.

Oh, please.

Like you started with the sandwich.

Are you mad at me?

- No.

- Then what's going on? I just I am trying to keep you away from the chaos in my life.

Abby, most of your life is chaos.

If I'm not in that I'm not in it.

You are going to go to MIT or someplace amazing and do amazing things, and I am trying to protect that for you.

Well, who asked you to? Your mom.


It's a rhetorical question.

But she's right.

I don't want you to do something with me that could f*ck up your future.

I can make my own decisions.

Do you remember how pissed you were when your parents tried to protect you from their world? Do you? Yes.

Don't do that to me.

I spend most of my life being afraid.

Now I'm not.

As much.


Don't put me back in that box.

Okay? Okay.

From now on, I promise I will ruin your life.

Thank you.



We are Janko and Radul.

Is Joel Hammond home? Are you here for the Hammond Realty launch party? Yes.

That string of words.

Well, the party's over and he's not here.

But if you leave me

- your number

- It's okay.

No problem.

We will wait.

Guys, you can't just walk in like this.

- You're not the boss of us.

- No.

We don't like to be bossed.

Our last boss will be d*ad soon.


We don't know.


So random.

So Joel Hammond.

He's a Knight of Serbia, correct? I've never heard that term.

Will you excuse us? We have something in the oven we need to check on.

- Both of you?

- It's a lasagna and it's heavy.

Are you hungry? I could eat.


That's funny.

Why do you always say, "That's funny" and you never just laugh.

Okay, someone needs to eat them.

That's funny.

I think I can make my way up this thing.


But even if I get to the end, there is a large handle that would be very unpleasant to pull through my body.


Hang on.

This chair isn't bolted to the ground.

If I rock it back and forth, maybe I can loosen these restraints.


It's working! [GRUNTS]



This is gonna be a really shitty position to die in.


What did Poplovic mean when he called me his Queen Bee? He's gonna make you bite other people and then harvest you all for your goo, because it prevents aging, and he can sell it for a shit ton of money.

Why can't people just age gracefully? I'm so sorry about all this.

It's not your fault.

I thought I had some big purpose.

A gift that could help people.

Look where my gift got us.


You're going to die and I'm going to be a queen.

Wait, that sounds better than it is.

- A goo sac.

There we go.

- [JOEL]


It can't end like this.

It can't.

I didn't help anybody.

Now no one can help us.


Stay right there! Drop the crossbow!



This is so freaking cool.

I have a scar.

From battle.

I think the b*llet is still inside me.

I'm going to literally rip this man a new assh*le.

No, Jean.

We're not here to make new assholes.

Now, let's move.

That guy has blood on his shoe.

They're undead.

They're here to k*ll my dad.

Shit! What do we do? You should run.

I'm not leaving you.

She's right.

You should have run.

There is no heavy lasagna.

You guys are going to k*ll us, right? That's the plan.

Well I guess there's nothing we can do.

- What?

- Oh, Eric.

That's what Janko wants.

And clearly Janko's the boss.


Janko's the boss.

Whatever he says goes.

What makes you think Janko is the boss? He has a strong presence.

He's confident.

- You submit to him.

- He treats you like garbage.

Which, frankly, is hard to watch.

Radul Don't you see what they're doing? They're realizing that someone has to be in charge and it should be me.

Why can't I be in charge? Because I'm more qualified.

Even the girl saw that.

I think I should be given a chance.

I'll be in charge for the first 500 years, then, if we remember, we can have a discussion.


Okay, I use it.

Now I see the plan.

You k*lled Radul.

He was my friend.

Now, I'm the boss of nothing.

Hey! Zombie! You mindless goon.

You're really gonna k*ll the girl first? Come on, loser.

No one kills the girl first.

Also, my mom says I'm a delicious boy.

Very well.

I can start with you.

Run, Abby, run! [ABBY GRUNTS]

Always k*ll the girl first.

f*ck! [SIGHS]

I'm sorry about the whoopsie with the knife.

It's okay.

You were awesome just now.


You think? Referring to myself as "a delicious boy" wasn't exactly an Indiana Jones moment.


Even better.

It was an Eric Bemis moment.



I did it! I got my leg free! Go, honey! Is it helping? No.



We're looking to buy a house.

Anyone here who can help us? Oh, my God! We can! What's happening? Is that Tommy? And Jean and Ron! Thank God.

Hurry! Unstrap me.

I mean help Sheila first, but I am unbelievably uncomfortable.

I can't believe you guys came for us.

Of course, sweetheart.

When you bit me, you saved my life.

I'm not gonna let you die.

Me neither.

Not after everything you've done for me.

We believe in you, Sheila.

- Really?

- Totally.

We're like a cult but without uniforms.


Why don't we all get uniforms? Guys, come on.

We gotta move quick.

There's security everywhere.


By the way, is that my crossbow? No, it's my crossbow.

You mean the one that's mine, that you found in my house? Give it.

I told you this was going to be an issue.

We have no time for his.

Give him the damn crossbow.

And let's get out of here.

We have to go find Poplovic.


We have to leave.

You were s*ab with a lance.

I tipped over.

No one is 100% here.

He knows who we are.

He knows where we live.

He's gonna come after us.

We have to k*ll him.

I agree.

But not now.

Now, we have to survive.

Come on.



That's close enough, Miss Hammond.


You're not going to k*ll your Queen Bee.

I will, if you come any closer.

It doesn't have to be this way.

Why don't you join me? We can be partners.

I can give what's happened to you some purpose.

My life has purpose.

And it doesn't include you, David Popsicle.

Dobrivoje Poplovic, Dobrivoje Poplovic, Dobrivoje Poplovic.

Is that so hard? Anyway, now you're gonna die.

For the last time.


Here's $40.

For what? Your funeral.


Now let's go home.


It's Abby.

Abby! Abby? Are you all right? Where are you? [ABBY]


Hello, role models.

Thank God, you're okay.

I'm fine.

So is Eric.

The bodies are in the garage, wrapped up and ready for the desert.

Did you guys take care of Poplovic? Yeah.

It's over.

And you k*lled Janko and Radul.

And cleaned the house? They were coming for you, Dad.

And then I started thinking, we're this team now.

We have to watch out for each other.

Have each other's backs.

And then the next thing I knew, I was piling dishes into the sink.

What have you people done to me? I'm just still trying to wrap my head around the idea that my sugar plum s*ab people in the brains, but we're proud.

You are very brave.

You are an amazing girl who Oh, my God! Is using soap on my iron skillet?

- I'm soaking it.

- You're k*lling it.


Time keeps on coming I've been all around I'll keep on running What's going on? I don't know.

I thought maybe we could try to find out.

Now you're back in your hideout Everyone was talking to ya To ya There you go, sweetie.

Who's a good boy who stayed in our closet all day? Did you miss Mama? Can you say Mama? Say Mama? Hey.


How'd it go? I always wonder if it's better to bury two bodies in one place or spread them around.

I'm sure there's a right answer, but I never want to meet the person who knows it.

I've been thinking about our fight this morning.

Me too.

I realized after being captured that the end will always come horribly for the undead.

We don't get to die peacefully in our sleep or surrounded by loved ones.

For us, the end will always be violent, merciless.

Or with men like Poplovic, there will be no end, only suffering.

- Sheila

- I don't want that for you.

I want you to live a normal life and die in my arms.


You were right.

Becoming undead does scare me.

But when I thought I was gonna die, what scared me most was that I'd never see you again.

We can wait till Abby goes to college or whatever, but after today I never want to live or die without you.

- Honey

- Please.

Sheila Hammond will you take this man to be your husband for the next 1000 years or so? What about all the undead stuff that freaks you out, like eating people or unleashing your "Id"? Or this guy? It's gonna be weird! [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Especially throwing up one of those.

- I think you're scaring him.

- I don't care.

I don't care about any of it.

I love you.

That's all that matters.

So, bring it on! As long as we're together, I can handle whatever comes my way.


Not a spider guy.

Oh, my God! Where did he [SUSPENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

Honey, honey! Joel! Mama.


Joel! No! No! [SIGHS]




- Really digging the uniforms.

- Yeah, see? Yes, they're lovely, but where are we going?

- To save the world, Jean.

- For Sheila.

For Sheila! Okay.
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