01x05 - This Little Piggy

[bunniefuu]

[SIGHS]

Patience, princess.

Intergang moves
in mysterious ways.

Tell me about it.

What use could they possibly
have for the Rosetta stone?

We'll find out soon enough.

And in the meantime...

I know, patience.

Don't you ever wish
you were down there?

I'm down there all I need to be.

Yes, but it's just a job to you.

I'm talking about going down
there and having some fun.

Maybe...

Maybe with someone special.

No. No dating for the Batman.

It might cut into
your brooding time.

One, dating within the team

always leads to disaster.

Two, you're a princess from
a society of immortal warriors.

I'm a rich kid with
issues. Lots of issues.

And three, if my enemies
knew I had someone special,

they wouldn't rest until they'd
gotten to me through her.

Next.

[ALARM RINGING]

There.

Saved by the bell.

Just a common thief.

What happened to Intergang?

J'onn must have
gotten a bad tip.

It happens. I'll
take the crowbar.

Whatever you say.

[GASPS]

That trick always
went over big in Egypt.

Circe. Be careful. She's...

Yeah, I've read the Odyssey.

That it for you?

What are you doing here, witch?

You were banished.

They needed more
space down below,

so they paroled me.

Of course, I had to promise

to leave your
mommy dearest alone

before they'd let me out.

Mother sent her to
the Pits of Tartarus.

Circe had a nasty habit

of turning innocent
people into animals.

I'm real good at it too.

So I've read. Let's not
give her another chance.

[BOTH GRUNT]

[GROANING]

I promised to leave your
mother alone, little princess,

but nobody said
anything about you.

Rest assured, after
I get done with you,

Hippolyta won't want
you for a daughter,

and your pointy-eared
boyfriend here

won't want you for anything.

[GRUNTING]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

My poor assistant.

He's fallen all to pieces.

Let's see if I can help
him pull himself together.

Oops. [CROWD LAUGHS]

CROWD: Whoa.

[CHEERS, APPLAUSE]

Thank you. You've been
a wonderful audience.

And for my final illusion,

I'd like to pull a
rabbit out of my hat.

[CROWD MURMURING]

Trust me. It isn't as
easy as everybody thinks.

[DRUMROLL] Come on, Bugs.

Where are you?

[CROWD GASPING, SCREAMING]

Well, you're not as furry,

but you're just as cute.

Cab ot lamron.

[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]

Hm. A little slow on the switch.

Gotta watch that.

What was it? Some
kind of hologram?

Or was it the real thing?

It's called sorcery, Bruce.

Usually, I play it straight,
but for the big closer,

I throw in a little dazzle.

But enough about my secrets.

What have you been up to?

I haven't seen you in so long.

Can we discuss that later?

Someone's in trouble.

Who? What kind of trouble?

Well...

[GRUNTS]

Ew. Circe, huh?

It was all over the Mystic
Ethernet that she made parole.

I'll see what I can do.

ZATANNA: Leks eeb nekorb.

[GRUNTS]

Anyad bokeb namu.

Well... I've given
it my best sh*ts.

I guess my powers run a distant
second to those of a goddess.

We could call in one of
the other lead magicians.

Dr. Fate, maybe. No.

I mean, let's keep
this between us.

But why? If there's a
chance to help Diana,

shouldn't we tell
everyone in the...?

Oh. Wait, wait. You and her.

Are you two...?
Just good friends.

No. You and I are
just good friends.

There's something more
between you and Diana.

Well, maybe there was.

Don't worry, Bruce. I'll
find a way out of this for her.

And you.

But I'm beginning to
think that only Circe

can turn our chubby friend
here back into Wonder Woman.

And Lord only knows
where she is right now.

["LULU'S BACK IN TOWN" PLAYING]

♪ Gotta get Your
own tuxedo pressed ♪

♪ Gotta sew a
button On your vest ♪

♪ 'Cause tonight You've
got to look your best ♪

♪ Lulu's back in town ♪

♪ Gotta get A half
a buck somewhere ♪

♪ Gotta shine your
shoes And slick your hair ♪

♪ Gotta get this
guy A boutonniere ♪

♪ Lulu's back in town ♪

♪ You can tell the
mailman Not to call ♪

♪ You ain't coming
home Until the fall ♪

♪ And you may not
Get back home at all ♪

♪ Lulu's back in town ♪

ZATANNA: Come on, Sid, are you
gonna sell me the chimera scale or not?

You know the rules.

The elements of magic
always come at a price.

And I don't take
cash or plastic.

So, what do you want?

[PIG GRUNTS] Hey, is
that thing housebroken?

[SQUEALING, GRUNTING]

I'll take care of her.

Now about that final ingredient

I need for my locator spell...

It's all yours for one
silver good-luck fin.

Mid-Qing Dynasty, if you please.

What? That is robbery!

What robbery? I'm
giving it to you at cost.

It's a total rip.

I could conjure
it up for nothing.

Try it.

Chimera scale is all

but impossible to get,

by magic or not.

I'm this dimension's
only supplier.

Okay. You win.

Surrup rippah.

Thank you.

[GRUNTING]

We'll be done here soon.

I call upon the
spirits of earth and air

to reveal our enemy and
make her whereabouts known.

This invocation works better
frontwards than backwards.

Whatever.

[SQUEALING]

Circe, show yourself.

Well, that was a lot of nothing.

Circe's pretty powerful.

If she doesn't want to be found,

there's not much anyone can do.

Then what was
the point of all this?

Give me my coin back.

Sorry, kid. No refunds.

You slimy little...

Zatanna, she's gone.

[♪♪♪]

Do not fear.

Hey! [GASPS]

Whoa!

Well, that's it.

From mudhole to sty,

we've looked everywhere.

Obviously we haven't,

because we haven't
found her yet.

Don't get snippy with me.

How many other girls would go

this far out of their way

for a cold, insensitive...

Yo, Bats.

[SCREAMS]

Relax. He's one of us.

B'wana Beast. How ya doing?

My legs are fine,

as is the rest of me.

Up here.

Whoa. She's got the fire

of the cheetah in her.

[GROWLS]

Why are you doing this to me?

Apart from being
an expert tracker,

he can communicate with animals.

I called him in to help search.

We're looking for a lost
pig, pink, about 60 pounds,

wearing two silver bracelets.

Used to be Wonder Woman.

Right on. I'll yank in
some of the other guys.

Let's keep the circle small.

Very small.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

Soo-eee!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Excuse me, sir.
I'm looking for a pig.

Gladys. It's for you.

[GRUNTING]

[VEHICLE APPROACHING]

[GRUNTS, SQUEALS]

[SQUEALING]

Yo, Wonder Pig!

Bat, Beast.

BEAST: Got a fix on your girl.

Good work.

I'll have her ready
for pickup in...

[PIGS GRUNTING]

[PIGS GRUNTING]

Yeah, look, Bats. I think I
might have jumped the g*n

when I said I found the pig.

Keep looking.

Zatanna and I are
going after Circe.

How? The locator
spell didn't work.

It's time for one of my tricks.

We need a snitch.

ZATANNA: Thank
you for setting this up.

Please. Your League has
done much good in my name.

When you summoned
me, how could I refuse?

Here comes our stoolie.

Don't look at her directly.

[SNAKES HISSING]

Medusa, you have a chance

to earn leniency...

if you help our visitors.

You were Circe's
cellmate, weren't you?

Sea girl and me

did some time together

back in the Pit of
Eternal Torment.

That's where they
hang you by your ankles,

and weasels come each
night to eat your fingers.

They grow back the
next day, but trust me,

it gets old real quick.

Did she ever mention Hippolyta?

Are you kidding?

"Hippolyta! Hippolyta!"

All the time Hippolyta.

"When I get my hands on
her." Yadda yadda yadda.

That much we know.

We're wasting our time.

Wait.

Wait. Uh, there
was one other thing.

Circe was always
saying she wanted

to headline at the amphitheater.

The amphitheater.

On Mykonos.

Duh.

It seems Circe
was wicked jealous

of her cousins, the Sirens,

and swore she'd someday
get her turn on the bandstand.

Sophocles got his start there.

Aristophanes. All the big names.

You know those
statues at the entrance?

Mine.

Thank you, Medusa.

And know that you have earned

300 years off your sentence.

Freedom in 4010.
Ring-a-ding-ding!

Uh. There's a small
service charge.

When you see Circe,

tell her I want my
curling iron back.

[SQUEALING]

Come on, guys.

Help me out here.

Newcomer, silver bracelets,

kind of stuck-up.

[♪♪♪]

[SQUEALING]

Hey! Get back here!

[GRUNT, SCREAM]

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTS]

Gotcha!

[GRUNTING]

[SQUEALING]

That's it.

Soo-eee.

Here, piggy, piggy, piggy.

ZATANNA: Have to admit,
Medusa does good work.

BATMAN: Too good.

[APPLAUSE]

Thank you, thank you.

You've all been so
kind to me tonight.

You know, my
cousins, the Sirens,

never thought I could sing.

Really.

They thought they were all that

with their
charm-the-sailors routine.

But I'm showing
them, aren't I? Heh.

[POLITE APPLAUSE]

Oh, thank you.

I love you all!

Are there any requests?

ZATANNA: Sege bukita atrice.

I'm not sure I know that one.

[GASPS]

[GRUNTS]

Insolent trickster.

You dare to strike...? Ow!

You dare to strike...? Ow!

You dare to strike...?

[GRUNTS]

Quit it!

Oh, no.

[GRUNTS]

[♪♪♪]

Well?

Defend your mistress.

[MEN GROANING]

[GROWLING]

[GRUNTING FIERCELY]

[SQUEALS FIERCELY]

[GRUNTS]

Here, piggy, piggy.

Soo-eee.

[SQUEALING]

[g*n COCKS]

Say good night, pork chop.

[g*n COCKS]

[SQUEALING]

[GRUNTS]

Wow. Loose meat.

[SQUEALING] That'll do, pig.

Good job, boys.

Side of bacon coming up.

[SAW BUZZING]

[GROWLING, ROARING]

[GROWLING]

Abate mot jake.

[SIGHS]

[GROWLS]

CIRCE: You're both beginning

to remind me of Sisyphus

after a hard day pushing
his boulder up a mountain.

But me, I could
keep this up all night.

Wait.

It seems that magic

always has a price.

And your point is?

What would I have to give

to make you lift
your spell on Diana?

Well, now you're
getting interesting.

I want something from
you that's very precious.

Something you've worked
very hard to conceal.

Something, when gone,

you can never regain.

Something so shattering...

["AM I BLUE?" PLAYING]

♪ Am I blue? ♪

♪ Am I blue? ♪

♪ Ain't these tears ♪

♪ In my eyes tellin' you? ♪

♪ Am I blue? ♪

♪ You'd be too ♪

♪ If each plan That you
had done fell through ♪

[SNIFFLES]

♪ There was a time ♪

♪ I was Your only one ♪

[SOBS]

♪ But now I'm the
sad And lonely one... ♪

Beautiful.

And you'll keep your
part of the bargain?

A deal's a deal.

He can stop now.

Not on your life.

♪ I should say... ♪

[♪♪♪]

[GRUNTS]

[MEN MURMURING
INDISTINCTLY, SCREAMING]

[PIGS SQUEALING]

Circe.

[CHEERING, WHISTLING, APPLAUSE]

[MUTTERING EXCITEDLY]

Remember when Penguin
tried to kidnap that singer?

Ricky what's-his-name?

So?

I spent a month on stakeout.

Must've heard that
song a hundred times.

Is there anything you can't do?

There's one thing

I've never been very good at.

Saying "thank you."

And, truthfully, it's all

still pretty much
of a blur to me.

Did I miss anything?

Not really.

The important
thing is you're safe.

Yeah. Of course,

that's not the only
important thing.

[HUMMING "AM I BLUE?"]

[♪♪♪]