01x09 - Parent Trap

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Paradise PD". Aired: August 31, 2018 – December 16, 2022.*
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This animated series geared toward adults follows a police department that doesn't do a great job of protecting the backwater, small town where it is located.
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01x09 - Parent Trap

Post by bunniefuu »

Where am I? Heaven?

Pussyland?

Heaven can go to hell!

Shelley Long, star of TV's Cheers,
as she looked in 1982,

the year I learned to masturbate.

Is that you?

Yes. Everybody knows your name
and we're always glad you came.

Fitz, wake up! It's me, Kevin!

Aaagh!

Wake up, Fitz, please!
I know you can hear me.

You have an erection.

It's no use, Kevin.

You put me in this coma,
you little Brickleberry-looking bitch.

Fitz, that's a totally different show.

I feel terrible
about what happened to you.

I don't think anything could ever
make me feel better.

But I know how to cheer you up.

An old-timey n*gro spiritual
on the ukulele.

Wow, look at all these old pictures.
I didn't know those were in there.

Here's me, Mom and Dad playing Monopoly.

We'd call Dad Tr*mp
'cause he'd bankrupt all his hotels.

Well, that, and the dementia.

And the racism.
And this was our best vacation ever,

when we followed Insane Clown Posse
on tour.

Honestly, that's the last time
I was happy.

That's it. It's time for me
to put my family back together.

But first, I owe you that n*gro spiritual.

Ah, screw it. I'm still going for it.

Good call, Fitz.

Oh! God damn it!

Okay, jack off-icers, listen up!

One of you turkeys
needs to work security

for the Paradise Thanksgiving Day parade.

Well, it can't be me.
I got to wear my Pilgrim costume

and shake my little tushy
on the police float.

All that dancing is so much fun!

Fun? Last year, you had a heart att*ck,

fell off the float, and landed
on a family of four.

The baby survived.

And to make sure
that ain't going to happen again,

I got a full physical and I'll have you
know, I passed with flying colors.

Flying coloreds?
I knew this day would come.

Thank God I built this bunker.

Hey, they made you take a DNA test?

Yeah, I was scared to do it,

so he made me close my eyes
and say, "Ah!"

And then he stuck this long, skinny thing
in my mouth

and rubbed it
against the inside of my cheek.

Then, when that was over,
he gave me my DNA test.

You know it says
you're one 64th Native American?

Really? Well, I need to go learn
all about my new heritage!

Right after I practice
my Thanksgiving twerky!

I can make it clap, y'all!

Hmm...

Put me down for security. Front row.

Okay, fine. Hopson, b*llet, you're in
charge of buying a turkey for the homeless

to show how much we care about dirty,
sh*t-smelling, TB-spreading degenerates.

In my day, we went in the woods
and sh*t our own damn turkey.

That sounds awesome!
Hey, is it okay if I hunt drunk?

'Cause, uh... 'cause I'm drunk.

Oh, hell, yes.
I've been drunk for 30 years.

I hide my booze in a plastic pouch.

- Ugh! What is that, Coors?
- No.

Piss. That's my catheter bag.

Ah, thank God. I thought it was Coors.

Where the hell
is my ball-deficient ex-husband?

Whoo! Good morning, Forest Whitaker!

I got stung by a bee, assh*le.
It was inside these flowers you sent me.

Ow! I didn't send you
any stupid flowers, assh*le.

And why the hell did you send me
a dead puppy, huh?

The puppy d*ed?
But I poked air-holes in the box.

Next time, Kevin,
take the puppy out of the box first!

Kevin, you're not even supposed
to be here.

And why are you sending us gifts
in each other's names?

I didn't! This isn't some desperate
attempt to reunite you, so I can be happy.

Good! Like I'd go near
this 240-pound turd with a mustache!

He used city funds to remodel his house!

Oh, excuse me?
You mean I converted my home

into Paradise's only safe house.

That money was for the kids
at the School for the Blind

to take a trip to Six Flags!

They got their trip.

Oh, this roller coaster's fun,
huh, blind kids? Oh!

Look, Karen, Paradise needs a safe house.

This town is facing its gravest thr*at
in history.

Gypsies...

You gotta be kidding me!

I thought I was the only one
taking the gypsy thr*at seriously.

I've seen the segments Tucker Carlson's
devoted to it on FOX News.

I know FOX News never does this,

but maybe they're whipping you
into an irrational frenzy over nothing?

No, it's very real.

Anyone out there can google "Tucker
Carlson gypsy apocalypse" right now.

You'll see we're not f*cking around.

This is great.

You guys are bonding
over your fear of gypsies.

Just because we both fear gypsies doesn't
mean I tolerate this ass-chinned assh*le.

Hey, my chin does not look like an ass.

Oh, give me a break.

It was just a little chin queef.

Kevin, promise me that's the last time
you try to play matchmaker.

No more gifts. I swear.

Hi. Singing Cupid-gram
from Karen to Randall, with love.

Here we go.

Aaagh...!

...aaaaggHH!

- Agh! A flying colored!
- Jesus, Hopson, stop the car!

- Aaaagh...!
- Is he gone?

b*llet! Look at the size of that turkey!

You know, Gina, without all the dipshits
around, it's pretty relaxing here.

Maybe I won't have to deal with
any idiotic bullshit today.

And hello, bullshit.

Quiet, Neck-looking-like-George Lucas!

I read all about my heritage.

I can't believe what you pale-faced
fartknockers did to my people!

Dusty, that loincloth only covers
ten percent of your ass cr*ck.

I know! Why's it gotta cover so much?

And look at this hat.
Is this what I am to you?

Just a smiling red devil?

That's your hat, dumbass!

Chief, Thanksgiving is an insult
to my people.

What? I thought fat people
loved Thanksgiving!

No, I mean Indians, stupid!

You need to cancel that parade right now.
This is very important to me, Chief.

Hold on! I'm trying to give a f*ck.

Nope. Not happening.

If you r*cist crackers won't help,
I'm going to the reservation.

My people and I
will stop that parade together.

Hey, why are you wearing a necklace
made of sporks

and packets of Arby's Horsey Sauce?

Because my people use every part
of the combo meal.

Why the long face? Comedy Central
cancel your show again?

I told you, they're park rangers,
we're cops. Totally different.

Anyway, Denzel, I'm sad because I'll never
get my family back together again.

I'm Tucker Carlson, with another report
on the gypsy thr*at in your town.

Stay tuned to learn how their gypsy magic
inverted my already tiny penis.

That's it.

- Hello?
- Boogee, boogee.

Karen Crawford, this is a gypsy.

Oh, dear God. No!

I'm coming to... suck the wax
from your ears

to make overpriced candles
to sell at the Farmers Market.

- How do you know where I live?
- The crystal ball shows all.

I sure hope there's not some
anti-gypsy safe house

for you to hide in.

Karen, what the hell?

Randall! The gypsies!
They're coming for me!

Damn you, dead-eyed gypsies!

You are not gonna pluck any pubes
from our dirty underwear

and replace us
with doppelgangers today.

Or try to sell us loose cigarettes!

Yay, we're all together!
Come on in, Mom.

We were just watching Tucker.

Now, a lot of liberal naysayers
are claiming

I made up this whole gypsy thr*at
as an excuse

for my tiny inverted penis,
but that's fake news.

The gypsies are the reason
I can't shower at the gym.

The gypsies are the reason
I pee all over my balls.

The gypsies are the reason my crotch
looks like a button on a fluffy sofa.

It's the gypsies, people, wake up!

Now that we're all together again, how
about we play Monopoly like we used to?

- I'll take the...
- Thimble! I called it.

Karen, I am always, always...
the cock-sucking thimble.

The top hat's cool, too, Dad.

- f*ck you! And f*ck your shitty top hat!
- You know what?

If you want the thimble, take it.
You can use it as a condom!

Ouch!

Happy? Now no one gets it!

Aaaaggghhhh!

- I'm gonna choke you up!
- Karen, don't make me...

All right, all right,
we'll play a new game!

Twister!

Ow! I was thinking we'd play Mousetrap!

Ow!

f*ck you, and f*ck both Parker Brothers,
right in the ass!

Mom, seriously, didn't you and Dad
truly care about each other once?

Why did you fall in love with him?

Because he was handsome and brave.
And he saved my life.

All right. Bad news, people.

We only have enough time
to save one of you.

And there's only one fair way to do it.
I'm gonna save the hottest one.

Not you, old lady! You're gross.

Nope. I'm not into Asian dudes.

Not the baby. I'm not Kevin Spacey.
Ha-ha!

Wow! She's beautiful...

You... you saved me.

- So, are you single?
- Uh...

Now I am.

How...

the hell do y'all walk
in these moccasins?

Me am Big Dusty, I travel far.

It has been many moon pies.

I demand um justice
for what white men done to our people.

We must rise up
like little Indians that could

to stop that Thanksgiving Day parade,
y'all.

But we like the parade.

What? Look what white man
has done to you.

He replace um tepees with trailers,
our dark buffalo with Mark Ruffalo.

We gotta stop that parade!
I'll lead our w*r chant.

Come on, y'all.

You know the words!

Big Dusty um very wise.
We make you leader, but first,

you spend night in sacred sweat lodge.

This am great honor!

Ooh, that stink like heap big coyote fart.

Aaagh! Oooh! Ugh!

Hey, I think there's more than sweat
in this lodge!

Why's it all blue?
Gah, why do I have my mouth open?!

Now, explain to me again why
you dressed me up like Johnny Depp.

You don't look that shitty. Pretend to be
a gypsy, sneak inside and scare Mom.

Dad will rescue her
and they'll fall in love all over again.

I'll do it for ten grand cash.

I'll give you a $12 bottle
of Drakkar Noir.

Done.

How's my breath?

Persian.

Very Persian.

I'm a... a gypsy!

Agh! No! How did you get past
the garlic in the walls? Randall!

Agh! A g-g-g-gypsy! Oh...

Stay away from him,
you gypsy hell witch!

Karen, you... you saved my life.

Yes, it worked!

Wow, Hobo-Cop, you really
like that Drakkar Noir, huh?

- Who's Hobo-Cop? I'm Johnny Depp.
- Holy cow! You do dress like sh*t.

What a fine bird. Feathers are so soft.
They almost feel like felt.

And they almost look
stitched on. You know, by God...

our heavenly tailor, 'cause this is
absolutely a real turkey right here.

Now, help me get this son of a bitch
in the oven.

It's not gonna fit. This is like watching
Ron Jeremy try to screw someone fat.

Hell, we'll do the same thing he would.
Just jam the head in there.

We just got to crank the oven up
to about 700.

Mmm, I love the smell of a cooking goose.

Always smells like burning human hair.

Ah, I love Thanksgiving.

Gave my first blowjob on a Thanksgiving.

More pancakes?

Snookie-wookie,
they're so soft and fluffy.

Just like you, but not as cute.

Boy, I'm so happy that our family
is finally back together.

I guess sometimes dreams do come true.

Yay! Mom and Dad are kissing!

And... dry humping...

me...

Yay...

- Oh, that's good. You like that?
- Oh, good God!

Yeah, that's good.
Ooh! Good call on the butt stuff, Karen.

- Ahhh...
- American Jesus!

Turn that light off! Can't two adults
who love each other try something new,

- without being barged in on?
- I just wanted the ketchup bottle.

It's... in use.

What happened to my room?

Oh, Kevin, just in time.

Your father and I need to talk to you.

Sorry. Just in case you didn't notice,
your mother and I are back together.

We're like kids again,
discovering our love for each other.

And I discovered
your mommy is a squirter.

- Randall!
- I know, I am so bad.

But seriously,
it is like French kissing Old Faithful.

- Kevin, we've come to a decision.
- It's time for you to move out, honey.

No! Our family just got back
together again!

Kevin, it is what's best. You're a man now
and it's time to act like one.

Wait. What about Thanksgiving?

I'm sorry, your father and I have plans
to go to Reno for Thanksgiving.

- Good luck, Kevin!
- Uh, Kevin, wait.

- Yeah, Dad?
- Hand me that Allen wrench.

I need to finish puttin' together
this chair I just bought from IKEA.

It's called a d*ck-in-jer-hass.

Thanks for letting me hang with you
now that I'm on the streets, Hobo-Cop.

Yay, a sleepover.
We'll do each other's makeup

and talk about all the middle school boys
we like.

I'm... I'm still hoping I can get back
in the house with my mom and dad,

although I'm pretty sad they decided
to spend Thanksgiving in Reno.

Uh, I think there's something
you should see.

They lied to me?
Hobo-Cop, how did you know?

Because they invited me. Sure hope
I brought the right kind of wine!

Hobo-Cop! Good to see you.

Oh, now everyone I care about is here.

No... No, no, no...

Aaagghhh...!

Agh! Cartoon eyes!

Welcome, everybody,
to the Thanksgiving Day parade.

This parade's been a Paradise tradition
every year since 1955.

Except in 2007,
'cause we all had syphilis.

Well, we ran your nasty-ass grandma
out of town, so that won't happen again.

The kids are gonna love this first float.

Here comes Puffy the Cigarette,
making some customers for life.

First time I had a cigarette
I was still inside my mama.

Then she scratched my cornea
with a clothes hanger.

TMI, Delbert.

On our next float, the Paradise Historical
Society reenacts the first Thanksgiving.

Chief Big Dusty take um down parade
by his little red self.

Attention, h*nky devils!

Thanksgiving is a lie!
Y'all did horrible things to my people!

It's time for vengeance.
I'm gonna scalp this white boy!

Actually, I'm a Nigerian bush person.

I got my skin bleached
to get into Tr*mp University.

Shut up!
And prepare for a Cherokee flattop!

What the hell are you doing, Dusty?

Getting justice for my people!
Now, get off me, egg-white!

Stop resisting, Dusty.

Or I'll have to give you a b*ating that
will definitely be filed in my spank bank!

I'll never surrender!

I give up.

I could have eaten
the rest of that cheeseburger.

Uh... where am I?

Welcome, young man, to Flipperville!

Wow! So this is where Paradise's
many Flipper people went.

Flipperville is built solely of recycling
the sanitation workers dump down here.

Like our church, made from plastic forks,
or our school made from ramen noodle cups.

- What's Panda Express made from?
- Horseshit. Oh, you mean the building?

That's just a regular Panda Express.
They'll franchise anywhere.

We're trying our best
to make the sewers like home.

We wanted to live with the surface
dwellers. But sadly, they rejected us.

I'm with you on that one.
Some people up there rejected me, too.

Perhaps you could join us
for our Thanksgiving feast

and get to know more
about us Flipper people?

I'd love to.

Honey, I got you a number five,
noodles and orange horseshit.

Huh! It is a regular Panda Express.

Let us welcome our guest of honor,
Kevin of Paradise!

Yay! Yeah, Kevin!

Yeah, Kevin!

Thank you for that, uh, flappy welcome.

Get ready for the finest feast
of your life.

Bring on the sewer turkey!

Wow, I can't wait to carve that up.

Carve?

We can't hold utensils.

We apologize.

We can only acquire the bounty that is
dumped from the cruel surface dwellers.

We've grown tired of living
off of their waste.

Although, I did score a Windows phone.

Windows phones suck, Carl!

But the surface dwellers won't keep us
down forever.

I hope not. You guys are cool.

I'm glad I found a family
for Thanksgiving.

- Agh! What the hell is that thing?
- That's just Jerry.

Come on, now, Jerry.
Don't bother our guest.

Agh!

Phew! When I saw him out of the corner
of my eye, I thought he was Jonah Hill.

Uh, no offense, Jerry!

And that, Kevin, is where we sh*t.

We call it sh*t Mountain.

Mm-hm. Oh, wow. That's great. Well,
thanks for showing me everything.

I haven't shown you everything, Kevin.

Due to our isolated community
and limited sexual partners,

we're stuck in a cycle of inbreeding.

As a result, the younger Flipper people,

like our Jerry, have become
more and more mutated. Behold!

Ugh! Yikes! This must be how a girl
at Comic-Con feels.

Our prophecy has determined
that you are our chosen one,

who shall replenish our DNA
by fornicating with our mother.

Uh, do what with your who, now?

For the rest of your natural life,

you shall procreate with her
and save our people.

Then our bloodline will be strengthened.

And we can rise
to conquer the surface dwellers!

That's insane. I can't have sex
with a dolphin! I'm not a weirdo!

I mean, okay, yes, I've had sex with a car
and a... watermelon,

and a dress sock
filled with sawmill gravy...

Okay, I'm a huge weirdo!
But I'm not having sex with that dolphin!

All I wanted to do was help my people.

I wish I wasn't even Native American.

Thanks for buying me my favorite sandwich
to try and cheer me up.

Of course, Dusty. The truth is, you're
more than just a sexy f*ck blub to me.

- You're my friend!
- Hey!

Take this mess back to the chef!

When I order the double goopy Gobble
Goober, I want it double goopy!

This is a single goopy Gobble Goober.
Goop and a half, at best!

Use your eyes!

Did you eat here before
they swabbed you for your DNA test?

Yes! I eat four meals a day here.

And I had to send that dang
double goopy Gobble Goober back

every mother-fartin' time!

Dusty! The chef is Native American.

I think he put his DNA in your food!

Meaning like he spit in it?

Something like that.
Dusty, you're not Native American.

I'm not? Thank the Lord!

Well, I did learn my lesson
about this being offensive.

So I found a new team.

I don't know exactly
what your chef did to my sandwich,

but that's what I call goopy, son!

It's dripping down my face!

Now I understand the slogan.

Come on! Where's your erection?

I can't even get stiff with my goldfish
watching, much less, Jerry!

Cover your eyes, Jerry.

Jerry!

Get him!

Agh! Ooh!

Ah! It's no use!

Foiled again by our greatest enemy.

The doorknob.

You're a man now, Kevin.
Time to act like one.

You're right, Dad.

Wait! Did I tell you
your mom's a squirter?

Kevin, don't be embarrassed
about your performance anxiety.

Jerry, here, has offered himself
as a Flipper fluffer.

Hell no! If and when I f*ck a dolphin,

it will be because I want to!

Fine. Then we'll do it the hard way.

Release the mighty Dolphin Lundgren!

Okay, this is it, Kevin.

Time to be a man!

- No!
- Oh, my God! He can make a fist!

Our soft cartilage-filled flopper-flippers
are no match for them.

Shut up and get him!

I said get him!

Ooh, run!

Yeah, that's right. Don't ever think
of coming up to the surface

or you'll have to deal with me!
And I can make a fist!

And that's what
I'll be having sex with tonight!

Don't worry, don't... Shh!

There's plenty of turkey to go around.

Hopson!

Ah, ha-ha, buddy!

Man, I had so much fun with you today

and you did a kick-ass job
of carving this turkey.

It wasn't easy. The Kn*fe kept getting
caught on the turkey's zipper.

And his wallet. Look at that.
This turkey's an organ donor.

He had a heart of gold.

Too bad I ate it.

Holy sh*t.

Hopson, I think I'm starting to get sober
enough to realize something very terrible.

And there's only one way to fix it.
Keep drinking!

This turkey had a tattoo,
just like the one my missing daddy had.

When I threw one punch to the fish
monster's face, they surrendered.

And that's how I saved Paradise.

I'm Wonder Woman.

You know what?
I'm choosing to believe you.

More importantly,
after what I've been through,

I believe in myself.

- Hello?
- Kevin, it's your parents.

Your father and I are truly sorry
for kicking you out.

We were in the heat of passion.

We've had time to think and we miss you.
We never should have asked you to leave.

Hey! We caught the gypsy
who broke into our house.

He keeps trying to trick us
into thinking he's Johnny Depp.

Come on home, son. We can b*at him
with a garden hose as a family.

Thanks, but you were right
to ask me to leave.

I don't need Mommy and Daddy anymore.
I'm a grown man.

Ooh, Randall, I think
he actually is Johnny Depp.

- Should we let him go?
- Hell, no! He's still gettin' the hose.

This is for Willy Wonka!

And this is for
the last three Pirates movies!

- Hobo-Cop, can I crash here tonight?
- Sure.

Dig around in there, boy. There's a bag
of dead cats you can sleep on.

Uh... okay.

What the...

Paradise PD security footage?

Look at the date! Holy crap!

This is the missing tape from the night
Terry Two Toes was k*lled!

- Hobo-Cop, do you happen to have a VCR?
- On it.

Boss, thank goodness.
I knew you'd come let me outta here...

The argyle meth kingpin
is a Paradise PD cop!

Whoever you are, Kingpin,
I'm coming for you.
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