03x10 - Fetal Attraction

[bunniefuu]

Listen up, my mutant brothers.

Now that we've destroyed
Gerald Fitzgerald's marriage,

it's time to move on
to phase three of my plan.

Publicly shame him
and destroy his reputation.

Yeah, all this seems like
a lot of extra work

when we really could just k*ll him.

Yeah, we're all sick of these stupid,
overly complicated plans.

What is this, a mutant-ny?
Pause for laughter.

I assure you, this next plan
is not stupid or overly complicated.

["2001: A Space Odyssey" theme playing]

Now, who is the single
most beloved figure on earth of all time?

Jesus Christ?

Mother Teresa?

Close.

Pee-wee Herman.
You will contact Pee-wee Herman's agent

and hire him to sh**t
a fake commercial for the alphabet.

Meanwhile, I will join the Paradise PD
and gain Gerald Fitzgerald's trust.

I will then lure Fitzgerald on set,
where four robot arms will restrain him

while another robot arm unzips his pants,

and even more robot arms
submerge his hands

in two goldfish bowls
full of lukewarm water.

Just then, Pee-wee Herman,
who is singing the alphabet song,

hits the letter "O,"

and Gerald Fitzgerald pees in his mouth.

This will be broadcast live
around the world,

after which the most hated man
in human history will be...

Gerald "Piss-gerald."

Pause for laughter again,

but also don't,
because it's very dramatic.

Just a real quick question.

How do you know Pee-wee Herman's agent?

How are we going to convince him to come
to a podunk town to do a commercial?

How will we be able to afford robot arms?

How will we be able to broadcast
a live commercial across the world?

We're in a cartoon, m*therf*cker!

- [theme music playing]
- [Crawford grunts]

[Fitz grunts]

[Gina shouts]

- [shouts, groans]
- [growls]

Sorry again for getting high and eating
your tail off in the Forbidden Forest.

But if it makes you feel any better,
it got stuck on the way out.

No, it doesn't f*cking
make me feel better.

Thanks to you,
now, whenever I get excited,

it looks like I'm shaking my ass
like Shakira.

[Latin dance music playing]

Ooh, yeah! Your hips don't lie, b*llet.

But I can assure you, I hated being high,

and I am never ingesting
that evil marijuana again.

You know what?
To show there are no hard feelings

and that I have no plans
to seek revenge whatsoever,

I have some totally normal brownies
from the evidence room for you.

Brownies? Ooh!

Kevin, I think you and I
should take things to the next level.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Level five cock crush!

[screams]

[laughs] I can't wait to f*ck
you LARP nerds up this weekend.

[gasps] Can't wait.

Dad, I could really use some advice
about Gina.

- Hmm. Level five cock crush?
- Yup.

Ernest Borgnine was my first cock crush.

His dong made me giddy as a schoolgirl.

One time, I broke into his trailer
on the set of McHale's Navy

and made tea with his tighty-whities.

Pause for laughter.

Anyway, I... I really like her,

and I feel like I got rid of
all the obstacles to us being together.

Even my little Eskimo kids.

They kept saying they wanted ice,
but I guess I ordered the wrong kind.

All right, you drug-dealing rapists
are going back to Canada.

Anyway,
the secret to getting a date with Gina

is to ask her dad for permission.

I still ask your grandfather
before I do anything with your mother.

Oh, which reminds me...

Mr. Culpepper, sir,
may I ask for your daughter's hand

to go in my ass tonight?

[chuckles] Of course. Bye.

Whoo! I got the go-ahead.

What if I don't get the go-ahead?
What if Gina's father rejects me?

Hey, you just go in there
and impress him with all of your...

Well... All right, you're gonna
have to make some sh*t up.

I'm Officer Clippers, your new cop.

They transferred me
from Bullshitsburg, North Dakota.

Get out of here, you fraud!

There is no Bullshitsburg, North Dakota!

[police music plays]

I'm Officer Kloppers, your new cop.

They transferred me
from Bullshitsburg, South Dakota.

Welcome aboard!
You can be partners with Fitz.

You're putting us together
because we're both Black!

Yeah, you two will be very happy together,

complaining about how basketball
isn't as good as it used to be.

Psh. r*cist m*therf*cker.

When two middle-aged Black men
get together,

they don't automatically reminisce
about the glory days of basketball!

I mean, what happened to the skyhook?

Right? [laughs]

I say that all the time.

Man, I miss '80s basketball.

Finger roll, the scoopity doop,

Wilt Chamberlain raw-dogging Milwaukee,
and the short shorts.

[chuckles] Man, those booty shorts
were half the fun!

Mm-hmm. My fondest childhood memory,

1985, courtside,
Knicks versus SuperSonics.

I could see the bottom half
of Patrick Ewing's shiny balls

the entire game.

Man, you were some lucky kid.

Mind if I put on a little music?

You got any Bublé, Celine Dion,
or the Mortal Kombat theme song?

How about all three at once?

Oh my God.
I thought I was the only one who did that!

[music of all three artists playing]

Oh...

[phone ringing, connects]

[operator speaking]

[Dusty speaking]

[gasps] Randall, look, the baby's kicking!

Oh! What a wonderful...

[Randall screams]

He punched me, the little son of a bitch!

It's a fetus, Randall.
It did not punch you.

[static buzzing]

What? Did you see...

The little bastard
just gave me the stink eye!

Randall, stop making this about you.
How does the baby look?

Like a creepy, shriveled,
waterlogged alien.

But luckily,
that's how they're supposed to look.

[sinister music plays]

Did you see that?
He just flipped me the double bird,

that little fucker.

- Randall!
- Oh, keep looking at that monitor.

Do not take your eyes off it.

Aw! He's reaching for something.

Hey! You got a problem with me,
you little sh*t?

- Randall!
- Excuse me, Randall.

I need to examine the fetus.

Everything okay in there, you little sh*t?

[laughing, snorting]

[laughs]

Cooter, we got company!

Oh, sorry.

May I offer you a nose crayon, sir?

Gimme those!

Thanks for bringing the fancy salad.

Definitely a good use of $45.

Sir, I'd like to ask your permission
to date your daughter.

[unintelligible mumbling]

Bo's right.

We Jabowskis have standards.

Breeding's especially important to us.

Cooter here's so smart,
we pulled him out of school.

We wanted him to be challenged.

[electrical crackling] Look at me.

I'm eating the house's p*ssy.

He... definitely seems challenged.

Cooter, you dumb sh*t!

That's the house's assh*le!
You gonna get sick.

I, uh, brought a video
of my accomplishments.

Here's me in the Olympics.

This is me during a bullfight in Pamplona.

And here I am destroying Tokyo.

[roars]

I'm very impressed, Kevin,
but I don't want you dating my daughter.

Well, it's not just my physical prowess.

I'm... I'm also the son of the mayor
and the chief of police.

I'm... I'm basically royalty.

Ooh!

Then it sounds like you come from
a caring family that would pay...

Uh, um... I mean,
do anything to protect you.

Exactly.

Karate!

[stammered groaning]

Ow! Mama, the house nutted in my mouth.

Randall, I've got
that second-trimester sex drive.

- Come here!
- [disgusted grunt] No can do, Karen.

I just don't want my d*ck
anywhere near that evil fetus.

Uh, well, maybe we could do a**l. Hold on.

[key clicks, whoosh]

Yep! Your dad says it's all right.

Oh, of course.

You made up this whole thing
about an evil fetus

just to try to get me to have a**l.

- [gasps] Karen, I would never.
- What about when we closed on the house?

And in order to finalize the sale,

the new owners must have a**l intercourse
on the property.

Oh man...

Okay, I admit the Squatter's Clause
was an elaborate scheme

that required changing state legislation,
but this time I'm serious.

Randall, you're probably just worried
about becoming a father again.

You need to relax.
Now, are you gonna make me beg?

All right, I guess I'm being silly.

[romantic music playing]

So far so goo...

[screams] He's got me! I can't get out!

- [Randal grunting] Oh! Oh! Oh!
- [Karen yelling] Ah! Ah!

He's twisting it! Karen, help!

Oh, he's giving it an Indian burn!

Oh! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Whew! Good. It's over.

[screams]

He broke my d*ck!

What do you mean you won't pay the ransom?
He's your son!

I'm too busy paying for this damaged d*ck

to worry about that other damaged d*ck
that you kidnapped.

Hey, Gina,
your stupid, inbred family kidnapped Kevin

and tried to get me
to pay a ransom for him. [laughs]

Can you imagine?
I don't even pay for electricity.

See, I have these extension cords
that run to the neighbor's house p*ssy.

My family did what?

Hey, you didn't sign my cast!

Aw, she dotted her "I"
with a little heart.

Wow, boy!

That's the biggest d*ck I've seen
in a cast since Tim Allen in

everything.

- [g*n cocking]
- Honey, you came for a visit.

I'm here because you kidnapped Kevin,

and I'm about ready
to blow your f*cking heads off!

Well, nice to see you either way.

Sweetie, we weren't gonna hurt him.

It's just, well, your daddy
will be too proud to tell you this,

but we need that ransom money
because he needs a new kidney

or he's gonna die.

[melancholy music playing]

Gina! Thank God you're here.

Phew. Thanks for untying me

and replacing the ropes with chains?

Sorry, Kevin. I'm on their side.

My dad's sick and needs the ransom money,
so we need your dad to take us seriously.

I promise you won't get hurt.
Now, which toe do you like the least?

Uh, I guess the sixth one?

Just don't touch the seventh one.

Meh, that one's my favorite.

[sinister music playing]

Finally!

We've been trying to get ahold of you,
Clappers.

- Where've you been?
- I was playing round ball with Fitz.

So, here's the bullseye
which Fitzgerald will land on

when he comes into the room.
Then, the first set of robot arms...

[laughing]

Oh, sorry.
Fitz just sent me a Mike Tyson deepfake.

Have you ever f*cked on cocaine, Nick?

I... I'll f*ck you till you love me, bitch.

[laughing]

Oh, that's a g*dd*mn masterpiece.

Boss, you joined the PD
to gain Fitzgerald's trust,

not to become his best friend.

- [grunts]
- Do not question me.

He is not my best friend.
So what if we have everything in common?

The bottom line is, he mutated me,
and my family thinks I'm dead.

I hate that lovable m*therf*cker.

Who did you hire to direct the commercial?
I've never seen that mutant before.

Shh. That's not a mutant.
That's Tim Burton.

[suspense music plays]

[operator speaking]

[Dusty speaking]

Come to bed, Randall.

Oh no. Last time I did that,
that evil fetus snapped my d*ck's neck.

Randall, Dr. Funtlichter said your injury
was related to aggressive sex.

Oh yeah, Karen,

like I'm really gonna trust a doctor
who asked us how to spell "WebMD."

- I'm sleeping out here.
- Suit yourself.

[dramatic music playing]

[grunting]

[whimpering] What the f*ck?

Oh! m*therf*cker!

Oh, why, you get back here!

[grunts] Where'd he go?

Come on out and fight me,
you f*cking baby!

Randall! What the hell?

[grunts] That fetus is the spawn of Satan!

If you won't believe me,
I'll find someone who will.

[operator speaking]

[Randall speaking]

[phone vibrating]

What?

We're tired of waitin' on you
to pay the ransom,

so we started dismembering your boy.

Oh my God, you cut off my son's toe.

Not just any toe. His sixth?

Oh, now he'll be a freak.

Whatever you do,
don't put braces on his jacked-up teeth

or paint over his see-through eyelids.

Chief, this is serious!

Gina? Oh my God, they kidnapped you too.

I'll pay anything for you,
my precious angel of death.

We can't run the PD without her.

We'll get you that money.
We just need a better plan.

Or a better hostage. Karate!

[groans softly]

Wait, why are you kidnapping me?
I was helping you!

Is it true that you're even sick,
or is that just another lie?

I never said I was sick.

Mama said you need a new kidney,
or you'll die.

I do need
a new kidney-shaped aboveground pool

or I'll die

of sadness.

I'm gonna call that dumb-f*ck police chief

and tell him I have you both kidnapped.
Maybe we can even get your granny

a new heart-ley Davidson motorcycle,

and a new pan-creas. Pancreas.

Your granny's dying. She's f*cked.

Can't believe I let my guard down again
with my dirtbag family.

Should've known they'd just manipulate me.

I guess we both have sh*t families.

That sounds like something two people
could bond and fall in love over?

Sorry. I've lost a lot of toe blood.

Let me see that wound.

- [Gina grunts]
- [Kevin screams]

My seventh toe! What the hell?

[lock clicks]

- [Cooter groans]
- sh*t.

Have to find a way out of here.

Hey, Cooter. Over here.

My nose crayons!

[Cooter grunts]

[Cooter] Ow.

What the hell happened here?

[snorting]

Wait a minute.

[sniffs] These are my ass crayons.

She tricked me.

That means I got nose crayons in my ass!

Oh my God!

- [whimsical music playing]
- ♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪

La! Ha ha! Ah!

[knocking on door]

La-la-la-la. La-la-la-la-la-la.

Oh! We're simply overjoyed you agreed
to do this commercial, Mr. Herman!

- Ha ha! That's my name. Don't wear it out.
- Ha ha! In character already, huh?

I know you are, but what am I?

[chuckles nervously] Oh! Yeah, no,
that's not gonna get old or anything.

Kloppers, thanks for the 92-ounce
Mountain Dew Big Gulp,

but I'm gonna have to
piss like a racehorse.

That's the plan.

You are the best partner I've ever had.

These last few days with you

have been the first time I've been happy
since my wife left me.

Well, I know how you feel.

I haven't seen my family in months.

Actually, I'll never see them again.

Why?

I'm too ashamed to go home.

I was exposed to radiation
that mutated my gargantuan gonads

into these bing-bang baby balls.

Man, you're ding-dong delirious.

Those things are huge!

Besides,
you've gotta get your family back.

Trust me,
they love you for what's in your heart,

not your Hanes.

I think I'll take that advice... friend.

[Randall] We got a report of a disturbance
at the Super Seedy Motel, room 143.

Let someone else take that call.

Someone else?

Room 143 is right there.

[dramatic music plays]

[singing] ♪ H, I, J, K ♪

♪ L, M, N ♪

♪ O... ♪

Paradise PD!

What the f*ck?

Look out, Fitzgerald! [grunts]

[electronic buzzing]

♪...O... ♪

[Pee-wee gargling]

Big Top Pee-wee's awesome.

[phone ringing, connects]

[operator speaking]

[Dusty whispering]

[Dusty speaking]

[screams]

Thanks for calling 911.

[chuckles] And... we're even.

I'll stay awake all night if I have to,
you little...

[snoring]

[choking, gasping]

[strained] What are you doin'?
Why do you hate me?

Because you m*rder*d 250 million
of my innocent sperm brothers and sisters!

I survived in that scorched wasteland
for 15 years,

driven only by my thirst for revenge.

Now, I shall have it!

[gasps] Wait!

I'm not the one who m*rder*d
your siblings. It was your brother, Kevin.

He's the one who took out
the twin testicles.

This whole time, I thought it was you.

No, I did everything I could
to protect them little sperm sacs.

It was him. It was Kevin.

I'm sorry I almost k*lled you.

Wait. Well,
now that we've squashed our beef,

do you wanna stay
and hang out for a little?

[TV playing]

And now you've seen
all the Tarantino movies.

Uh-oh, you're starting to get all white
and dried out,

just like when E.T. got sick.

There you go.

I enjoyed this time with you, Father,
but I must go.

Oh, already?

I'll have to wait six months
before I see you again,

and I still got a lot
of ass-to-mouth p*rn to show you.

Maybe when I'm one.

[melancholy music playing]

That fetus ain't such a bad guy after all.

[grunting]

[fast rock music playing]

You've gotta keep up, Kevin.

Uh, remember, I'm only operating
with five toes on my right foot.

[squirrel squeaks]

Oh sh*t! Squirrel bombs!

This way, Kevin.

[Kevin screams]

[chain saw buzzing]

[screams, wails]

[screams] Ow! Oh! Ah! Ah! Ah!

You know you could've just
walked around, right?

[music continues]

Love you, Kevin.

It's my dad! I knew he'd come.

It's a trap, you idiot.
Haven't you ever been outside before?

Classic Dad.

[sinister music playing]

All right. We got ya.
You two are coming with us.

We are not going anywhere.

[screams]

You just assaulted an officer.

That was a big mistake.
I'll handle them. You take the baby.

- [Gina] Ah!
- [Cooter]- Ooh!

[Cooter grunts]

[all grunt]

[all grunt]

Looks like I got the easy job.

[screams]

Please! Stop!

The baby!

Oh, please stop, baby!

Stop the fight. The kidnapping is off.

Kevin, the reason I said no
when you asked to date Gina

is that you seemed like such an alpha male
in that badass video you made us watch,

f*cking up Tokyo and all.

But now, it's as straightforward
as Bo's eyeline.

[unintelligible mumbling]

You are 100% beta.

And if you two have kids,

the Jabowski genes
will dominate the sh*t out of yours.

So, you may date Gina.

Wait, did you come here
to ask my dad's permission to date me?

I'm sorry.
I... I see how stupid it was now.

Yeah, it was real f*cking stupid.

And the nicest thing
that anyone has ever done for me.

[dialing]

Chief? May I have your permission
to ask your son on a date?

You absolutely have my permission.

He's a great guy and a handsome devil.

Hey, big guy!
Already got you a date out here!

[somber music playing]

It's you!

Daddy!

You're alive!

I'm so sorry.

I was too ashamed to come home,

but my new best friend made me realize

nothing could keep my family
from loving me.

Now, let me take off my coat.

I plan to stay awhile.

[screams]

Why do you have baby balls?

What the f*ck, man?

[retching]

Why would you do this to your family?

Who are you?

What are you?

[howls sadly]

Get out! Get the f*ck out!

I will get you, Gerald Fitzgerald!

[whimsical music playing]