03x02 - Top Cops

[bunniefuu]

Well, time to start my day

like every 49

-year

-old man does.

Checking Kendall Jenner's Instagram.

Hmm. Brushing her teeth in stilettos

and a dish glove.

Oh, so woke.

Kissing a horse

while wearing a red trash bag

Wait a minute. That's no horse.

That's Khloé!

God damn it, get out of the sh*t, Khloé!

Now, what is this?

An exclusive music festival

for only the most gullible millennials!

With a lineup

that's literally unbelievable:

John Lennon!

Michael Jackson!

Beethoven!

With special guest Falkor

from The NeverEnding Story,

and hundreds of Mr. Belvedere clones,

waiting on you and down to f*ck!

Whoa, these targeted ads are getting good.

All taking place in Paradise,

in a mold

-ridden, shabby

-chic ranch house

owned by Chief Randall Crawford.

What? What is this?

It's Craw

-fest, b*tches.

Well, what the f*ck?

Your festival sucks, man.

There's no food. There's no music.

But there is plenty of bottled water.

You can thank me later, Chief!

There's my boy!

I knew Craw

-fest would be lit.

Ja Rule don't attach his name

to just anything.

That reminds me, Ja Rule's

Diarrhea Corks are available now.

Put my head in your booty!

Why is there a camera crew here?

We're doing a documentary for Netflix.

We're doing a slightly worse documentary

for Hulu.

All right, who did this?

Gotcha!

Chief Hancock!

You mean this is another one

of your bullshit pranks?

Yup! I cleared out my 401K

to pay Kendall Jenner

to post my fake Craw

-fest video.

Turns out she'll do literally anything

for $250,000.

Check this out!

See?

Hi

-ho, Khloé. Away!

Look, y'all gotta stop

following me around.

For the last time, I am not the Kingpin.

That's not what your "I'm the Kingpin"

penis tattoo says.

When did I get that?

One gigantic penis!

Okay, you aren't getting it, so

I am the Kingpin, and I order you to

stop being evil and become

contributing members of society.

Hey, being a regular person is great!

I even gave the mayorship back to Karen.

Look how happy I am.

I have a normal life

with a beautiful wife and son!

Yo, that kid is a real freak show, huh?

Come on, Jerry,

my beautiful, perfect gift from God.

Jesus Christ.

What the f*ck happened to you, Chief?

Ah, Kendall Jenner farted in my face

and gave me pink eye.

Well, this show just keeps getting dumber,

doesn't it?

It was another one

of Hancock's bullshit pranks.

I never want to see

that stupid face of his again.

What in the name

of Jesus's tap

-dancing taint is that?

This year's prize

for winning Top Cops in the state

is being immortalized in Mount Paradise.

Diamond City is so far ahead,

they're already sculpting Hancock's face.

There is no way

I'm gonna spend the rest of my life

looking at Hancock's fat f*cking face!

It's bad enough

that I have to see him and my mom

on his Christmas card every year.

We have got to b*at Diamond City

and win that Top Cops award.

Yes! It's about time we took down

those Diamond City dog queefs.

Why can't they just be queefs?

Like dog queefs are worse?

I'm just kidding.

They're worse. They're way worse.

Anyway, the rules

to the Top Cops competition are simple.

Arrests are given a point value

depending on the severity of the crime.

How many points for theft?

Because Hopson stole my Netflix password

so he could watch himself

in that Craw

-fest documentary.

The irony is that

after getting all that water,

I wasn't thirsty anymore.

Sucked a lot of schlongs.

No, no, we need real crimes.

Fitz, I'm sure your old Legion of Doom

members are still up to no good, right?

Well, Chief,

I sorta ordered them to go straight.

What? How are we supposed to win Top Cops

if there's no crime in town anymore?

Well,

there ain't no crime on Restaurant Row

'cause that's my patrol b*at.

Why'd we assign the fat guy

to patrol Restaurant Row?

'Cause the writers like easy jokes.

There's been a lot of these comments

since the fourth wall got broken.

Dad, instead of trying

to win some competition,

shouldn't we be focused

on rebuilding the town

and dealing with the mutated animals

created by the nuclear blast?

Our police station

doesn't even have a roof!

Shut up, Kevin.

I like the station better without a roof.

Ah! It's a crow

-bear!

Attention, citizens.

My Rebuild Paradise initiative

is off to a great start!

Hamilton's grossly overpriced tickets

raised $50,000!



- Right, b*llet?



- That's right.

I appreciate you trusting me

to handle the money.

I'd love to tell you all

about some investment opportunities,

but I'll let my new business partner

do the honors.

Yeah, that money gone.

What? He's kidding!

I'd also like to welcome

all of our citizens

who weren't able to find shelter

during the nuclear blast.

We mutants demand to know

what happened to Gerald Fitzgerald,

the man who did this to us!

What if I said I pardoned him?

I don't know.

I'd probably puke acid in your face?

Oh! Oh, then I did not pardon him.

Fitz is in prison! The worst prison ever.

He's in Arkham Asylum with the Joker.

Jared Leto's Joker.

Oh dear God!

But the point is

we're already rebuilding Paradise

back into the sh*thole we all loved.

I hear there's even a new doughnut shop

on Restaurant Row.

Frank and Son's Doughnuts.

I can finally be a man you can look up to.

Ah! Our first customer.

And he looks hungry.

Rebel Wilson hungry!

Oh! It smells so good in here!

I'ma have to turn up my insulin pump

just for sniffing.

Unfortunately, I'm on a diet

since I had to start

wiping my ass with a king

-size sheet.

Long story short, I'm banned from Kohl's.

Anyhoo, I better just stick to two

uh, dozen.

Yes! That will be 7.99.

Oh! Oh, I see. Y'all are new here.

Okay, so I'm going to explain how it works

down here on Restaurant Row.

Well, you see,

you give me all the free doughnuts

I can hork down my throat,

and in return, I offer my protection.

Protection from what?

From me.

I guess those flippers

are good for making doughnuts

but how good are they

at picking these up?

No! Not the straws!

Stop it! Stop it!

You crazy bastard!

All right, time to scam some white kids,

get Karen's money back.

Hey, white kid,

you want to buy some 100% real,

non

-knockoff Pokémon cards?

That card is bullshit.

No, no, look. It's Detective Bullshit.

Get lost!

Oh!

Hopson, what did you just do?

Blew a guy in the bushes.

No, after that.

How'd you get so good at basketball?

Well, I'm so old,

I've had the time to master everything.

Basketball, blowjobs

Okay, really just them two things.

Ah! Take that, straws. I hate you, straws.

Don't worry, son.

Flipperfists are proud men.

There's no way that your father is

going to be pushed around

by some fat cop!

You better just give Dusty what he wants.

You don't know what you're dealing with.

I once owned a candy store

on R

-Restaurant Row.

Another beautiful day

where I'm not a cologne

-drinking hobo.

Here you are, kids!

A lollipop for Lucas, a taffy for Tiffany,

and a hot tamale for my Mexican friend.

Dusty, please.

I told you I can't give you

any more free candy

or I'll go out of business!

You know what else will put you

out of business?

If someone came into your store

and struck a match and, oh, I don't know,

lit this little jar of Arby farts?

You wouldn't dare.

I'm ruined! Oh well.

I will name you Sprinkles,

and you're gonna live in my assh*le.

Mayor, you wanted to see me?

Fitz, we have a problem.

You know those people

you turned into mutants?

Well, they are super pissed.

I sorta told them that you're in prison.

You did what?

It's no big deal. I mean, if they see you,

they'll melt your head with acid barf,

but don't worry,

I got you in

the witness protection program.

Here's your driver's license.

What? My new identity is a white guy

named Beans Stinkwater?

Everyone, Fitz left town

or d*ed or something.

Anyway, I've already replaced him.

Meet Officer Beans Stinkwater.

Oh, Buffalo gals

Won't you come out tonight ♪

Come out tonight, come out tonight? ♪

Buffalo gals

Won't you come out tonight ♪

And we'll dance

By the light of the moon! ♪

Karen, do I have to throw confetti

and sing "Buffalo Gals"

every time I enter the room?

Yes! That's what Beans would do.

So unless you want your head melted

Buffalo gals, won't you come out tonight

Come out tonight, come out tonight? ♪

Buffalo gals

Won't you come out tonight ♪

And we'll dance

By the light of the moon! ♪

Holy sh*t, this guy's awesome.

Now, since crime is down,

we can only win Top Cops

by baiting people into committing crimes.

Well, fortunately, I came up with

a brilliant master

-baiting plan

which took the edge off

so I could think straight

and find a way to entrap criminals.

First up, the mutants hate Fitz.

Beans,

I'm gonna put you in a Fitz disguise

and send you into the mutant ghetto

to arrest 'em

when they puke acid in your face.

Say what, m*therf*cker?

Hey, good job, Beans!

You already got the voice down!

Meanwhile, we'll need to bait someone

for the non

-mutant crimes.

Now, who's got the most punchable face?

Hmm.

"Is that your wife or your bike?

Because they're both hogs."

My wife.

Uh "Your wife seems to like bars.

What's her favorite? Kit Kat?"

Yeah.

Your wife is fat and ugly!

Hey, man,

at least you don't have to f*ck her.

I'm the King of Sweden, and I'm lost.

All my riches are weighing me down.

Hey, Kevin, lucky break for us

that the King of Sweden showed up

and was being weighed down

by all his riches.

Wow, they are really nibbling today.

Jerry, don't worry about

what Hobo

-Cop said.

Your super daddy

is not going to give in to Dusty!

I'm calling the mayor!

Dusty did what?

Well, that doesn't sound like him at all.

Don't worry, Frank.

I will have a talk with him.

Mayor Karen, you know me.

I'd never do anything like that.

Frankly, I just feel terrible

that Frank misunderstood

my little message of peace and love.

I'm gonna go there right now

and apologize.

Well, somebody's a f*cking tattletale!

But I am impressed at

how clean you keep this floor.

Boy, it would be a real shame

if it got messed up somehow.

Well, howdy do? Boy, I sure hope

the health inspector don't show up.

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

I am the health inspector!

Ew!

Is this human dookie?

I'm gonna have to give you an A minus.

You monster!

You win. I give you

all the free doughnuts you want.

Ew! God damn!

I got myself into some weird sh*t before,

but this is the first time

it was literal, baby.

Mayor, you've gotta help me.

Fitz, are you crazy? What are you doing

out of your Beans disguise?

I'm not.

I'm Beans wearing a Fitz costume.

You really think I look like this?

Chief dressed me like this

and told me to go to the mutant ghetto.

You need to go order him

not to send me down there.

Sorry, I'm too busy

with my Rebuild Paradise initiative.

Here, here. Put on this Karen disguise

and tell him yourself.

Say what, m*therf*cker?

Good job!

You've already got the voice down.

Why do you have a Karen costume?

When you've been with the same man

for 20 years,

you have to mix it up in the bedroom.

Sometimes, Randall dresses as me,

and I dress as him.

Sometimes we're both Randall

and pretend we're super gay twin brothers.

I have so many questions.

The first one is, is this cum?

Uh, Randall, we need to talk.

Karen! Oh, baby, thank God you're here.

I sent Beans Stinkwater

into the mutant ghetto,

and I haven't heard from him since!

Oh, if anything happens to old Beans,

I won't be able to live with myself.

I'm short on manpower, so I need you

to go into the ghetto and check on him.

Now, Karen, I know what you're gonna say.

"Say what, m*therf*cker?"

But this is very important to me.

Isn't the mutant ghetto dangerous

for a lady like me?

Yeah, you're right.

You should put on this Chief costume.

Oh, and, Karen?

Wear it home tonight.

I'm hankering for a visit

from my super gay twin brother.

God damn.

Gina, Top Cops report.

Chief, after all the Kevin

-baiting crimes,

we are still getting beaten

by those Diamond City dog c**ts.

Hey, you listen! My mother has a dog c**t.

You're right. It's horrific.

Looks like it's spent the night

at Michael Vick's house.

I will not lose to that assh*le.

Especially after the last prank

Hancock pulled.

How's your steak?



- Haven't even tried it yet.



- Gotcha!

That's not a steak. That's my ass!

Ah, we'll never catch Diamond City

at this pace.

What crime is worth the most points?

Well, it says here

a hate crime is worth 5,000 points.

Yes! Just one hate crime

would put us over the top!

Ooh! We'll turn Kevin into a minority.

Hmm, but which one?

Oh, I don't know, Dad.

This whole thing's giving me acid reflux.

That's it! Jewish! Mazel tov!

Good morning, Mr. Rabbit.

I need you to turn my son all Jewish.

Excellent.

The Jewish faith will give your son

an ethical road map

to living a meaningful life.

The conversion process

will take six months.

Listen, you wascally wabbit.

I need a full Woody Allen,

minus the daughter

-wife,

by this afternoon.

I'm afraid I can't do that.

Then I'll do it myself!

Pop quiz!



- What do you Jews do at restaurants?



- Tip?

Complain.

Next question,

what do you do at the doctor's?

Complain?

Wrong!

Steal all the foreskins for their potions.

Now, what's the most popular job for Jews?

Nose.

Ding

-ding! Nailed it,

just like you guys did Jesus!

Just one more step, Kevin.

Circumcision, and I found a cheap mohel.

Eh, keep the tip

on ice till I get him

to the emergency room.

All right, Hopson,

time to use your basketball skills

to make me some quick cash.

Follow my lead.

Hey, bros! Uh, he's a 90

-year

-old man,

and I'm a three

-and

-a

-half

-foot dog.

We got two grand to lose. You wanna play?

You're on. We're shirts, you're skins.

Dear God,

it looks like sad Dumbo in clown makeup.

Whoo!

f*ck this!

Jerry, we are not giving in.

We are going to take down that fat man.

If Dusty wants doughnuts,

we're going to give him a doughnut

that even he can't stomach!

Too simple.

Wait a minute!

This is my favorite Ja Rule diarrhea cork.

I told you not to touch it!

You're grounded!

I just hope no one realizes I'm Fitz

dressed as Beans dressed as Fitz

dressed as Karen dressed as Chief.

Who are you supposed to be?

I'm Chief Crawford!

No, you're not Chief Crawford!

You're Chief Crawford's

super gay twin brother.

Yep! You got me pegged,

just like my twin brother.

You know what?

I can't lie to you people.

I feel terrible for what I did.

You're the mayor?

Give me a second.

Gerald Fitzgerald?

Hold on.

Look, everyone! It's Beans Stinkwater.

That was a good one, Beans!

You really got me.

I was about to melt your head.

That's right! I'm Beans Stinkwater.

Buffalo gals

Won't you come out tonight ♪

Come out tonight, come out tonight? ♪

Buffalo gals

Won't you come out tonight ♪

And we'll dance

By the light of the moon! ♪

Well, we've scammed every scrub

in Paradise.

Now, it's time to go after the big bucks.

Hey, Lamar Odom!

Good to see

you're out of your hooker coma.

How about a game of two

-on

-two

for 30 grand?

A dog flashing that kind of cash

must be a hustler.

I'm responsible with my money.

I only put it in safe investments,

like Ja Rule's cock rings for babies.

Who gonna tell a baby he can't f*ck?

I'll tell you what, Lamar,

I'll let you pick my teammate.

Anybody over there.

All right.



- Him.



- Oh no, not the old man!

Nah, man. Him.

Oh! f*ck me.

Okay, that's game.

We won 400 to 0.

What? Really? sh*t!

Oh, that montage was very misleading.

Oh, I guess I gotta tell Karen

I lost all the money.

Is that a Detective Bullshit card?

It's the only one I'm missing!

Hey, what do you say I keep the money,

and you keep the card?

Hell, yeah! I'd just spend that money

on whores and cr*ck anyway.

Good morning, Mr. Franklin!

Dusty, I hope you're hungry.

Look at me, Franklin, I'm always hungry.

You think I was born with these tits?

I was.

Good, because we have a surprise for you!

Ooh!

A special doughnut

for little old me!

Ooh! This doughnut's as hungry as I am.

Mmm.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

What the hell did you put

in that doughnut, Frank?

Trying to take me out, huh?

Well, the trick's on you!

My insulin pump goes to Double Brimley.

Wait a minute.

Why is my insulin all yellow and bubbly?

Oh!

You weird little sh*t!

I'll take your head off,

you twat

-sucking

You two don't know

who you're f*cking with!

I'm the police!

King Kong ain't got sh*t on me!

This isn't just for us.

This is for what you did to Hobo

-Cop!

Yep, that's what you get

for blowing up my candy store in '72.

What?

I wasn't even born in '72!

Oh Yeah, that's that's right.

And I

I never had a candy store.

What the hell are you doing?

Trying to get into law and medical school

to make Mom proud.

Well, after your stupid bar mitzvah,

there's only a few minutes left

in the competition!

We gotta get you to a place

where no Jew is safe,

like a neo

-n*zi bar or Mel Gibson's house,

or

-or

-or all of Europe.

Sorry, Dad. The sun just went down.

So what? You're a Jew, not a werewolf.

I can't work after sundown. It's Shabbat.

I don't care if it's shaba

-daba

-ding

-dong.

You are gonna get out there and

No! I take my religious beliefs seriously.

Your religion?

This was all fake so I can win my contest!

It's as real for me as it is for Ivanka.

Your beliefs just lost us

the Top Cops competition!

Chief, you're b*ating up Kevin

because of his beliefs.

That's a hate crime!

Hate crime? That's awesome, Gina!

Five thousand points!

Arrest me! Arrest me!

Why are you ramming

your nightstick up my ass?

Because the writers have an ass fixation.

Ah, g*dd*mn it,

we have got to get that fourth wall fixed.

It's my honor

to present you with this award.

Top Cops in the state.

Ah, screw it.

That's the only award I need.

Congratulations, Randall.

I'll bet you hate that I had them

replace your head with mine.

Oh, you just told them

to replace the head?

And not the rest of the carving?

You mean your mom's still up there?

Wait, what do you mean, my mom?

No!

Me and my son flying to Switzerland ♪

Me and my son at the Hadron Collider ♪

Me and my son

Playing God with doughnuts ♪

Me and my son

Receiving the Nobel Prize ♪

Me and my son plotting a m*rder ♪

Going to k*ll a fat man ♪

Me and my son flying to Switzerland ♪

Me and my son at the Hadron Collider ♪

Me and my son

Playing God with doughnuts ♪

Me and my son

Receiving the Nobel Prize ♪

Me and my son plotting a m*rder ♪

Going to k*ll a fat man ♪