03x11 - What Happens in Twatemala

[bunniefuu]

I'm Kurt Connors.

Mayor Crawford's
Rebuild Paradise Initiative

was already a total failure,

and now the crumbling town
has been invaded by packs of coyotes.

One of them coyotes dragged my wife off,
k*lled her, ate her,

put on her dress, and impersonated her.

Well, did you alert the authorities?

Hell, no. It was the best sex I ever had.

Mm-hmm.

Dragging off and impersonating humans.

This coyote problem
is worse than we thought, Kurt.

Actually, I think it's fake news.

This is Kurt Coyote signing off.

I can't believe that.

Huh, if you followed Earl on TikTok,
you could.

[bodies slapping]

Ooh, Karen, they flipped the switch!

Damn it, Randall, focus!

I've got to figure out how to raise
a sh*t-ton of money to fix this town!

[sighs] Hey, guys.

Oh! Uh! Just remembered,
stupid workplace regulations.

I'm required by law to declare
that I'm dating a co-worker.

[lips pop]

It's Gina! I'm... I'm dating Gina!

I know. I know, right? [giggles]

Kevin! Kevin!

Okay, if those are the regulations...

Listen up, everybody!

Last night I blew a guy who works here.

Me!

These soft bones sure come in handy.

Well, one of 'em wasn't soft.

And it didn't come in handy.

It came in mouthy.

Congratulations, Hopson!
You finally blew yourself.

[cheering]

See? I told you!

Wait, why isn't anyone congratulating me?

I'm telling the truth.
Gina and I have a date this afternoon.

Bullshit!

Karen, if you want to raise money,
open a casino!

I mean, or we could put on a play of uh...
Nah, that'll be a real stupid episode.

Open a casino!

A casino?

What a great idea!

May I remind you two that gambling
happens to be illegal in Paradise?

But I know a place
where there are no laws.

I need to build a casino on Twatemala,
and I am willing to share the profits.

We need the money, Robby.
I'm tired of living off alligator milk.

Uh, Delbert, William's a boy alligator.

He's a man now.

So what do you say? % of the profits?

We ain't paying you %.
We're doing this sh*t for free.

You dumb fucks... I mean, aw, shucks!
You drive a hard bargain.

- Let's do it before the coyotes take over.
- That work for you, Delbert?

Uh, Karen, did you notice...

Now, what was I saying? Oh yeah.

[howls]

That's what I was saying.

- [theme music playing]
- [Crawford grunts]

[Fitz grunts]

[Gina shouts]

- [shouts, groans]
- [growls]

[romantic music playing]

[g*n f*ring]

[crowd cheering]

I made something for you.

You know, the truth is,
I've never actually dated a guy before.

Me neither. I mean, just a little
mutual masturbation at soccer camp,

but Coach Russo's in jail now.

Anyway, maybe you and I
could take it to the next level?

You know, like holding hands?

Oh! Uh! [clears throat]

I gotta go.

She seems to like me so much.
Why can't we get physical?

God, this is the worst pain
any guy's ever been in.

I truly do feel bad for you.

Now, I'm just gonna roll up my penis.
I'll be on my way.

[big band music playing]

Welcome to the Twat Nugget Casino,

home of the world's biggest twat nugget,

Johnny Depp.

I needed the work.

- [fanfare plays]
- [cheering]

Okay, so everyone's got an assignment.

Cigars!

Cigarettes!

Cock!

Why, I haven't had a cigar in quite...

Oh my God! No!

What the f*ck, Dusty?
You ate all the food at the buffet?

What? But I mean...

It wasn't me!

Ooh! It must've been the Buffet Bandit!
Don't worry.

- I'll protect the chocolate fountain.
- Dusty, you...

The Buffet Bandit strikes again!

What's wrong, Gina? I haven't seen
a white woman frown like that

since every time I get on an elevator.

I really hate living in the South.

[sighs] Oh, Fitz,
I... I think I'm falling for Kevin.

But I'm only physically attracted
to sexy fat guys

because of this b*llet lodged in my brain.

Well, I never thought
I'd be attracted to a dolphin,

but she turned out to be
the love of my life.

Next thing I know,
an octopus went up my ass.

I really hate living in the South.

So, what you're saying
is I should just go for it

and listen to my heart and not my brain?

Yeah. You think Woody Allen
would've banged a girl

he met when she was nine years old
if he listened to his brain?

Right! And they lived happily ever after
as wife and dad-husband.

Somebody say "dad-husband"?
Whoo! I really love living in the South!

Scram!

Fitz, we need to talk.

Remember that zany prop comic
who showed up named Beans Stinkwater,

and how you two were never seen together?

I mean...

Well, Karen put me
in charge of the showroom,

and guess who I booked
as tonight's headliner?

Beans Stinkwater!

Oh, Beans is the best.

The way he throws confetti and sings,

♪ Buffalo gals
Won't you come out tonight? ♪

[laughs] He's like a white Justin Bieber.

♪ Yoo-da-doop-bap-bodda-dee-dee-ba-doop
Doo-doop-ba-doop-be-dee-doop-ba-dup ♪

Karen, how the hell
did Chief book Beans Stinkwater?

Probably on my website,
Book-Beans-Stinkwater-He's-Not-Fitz.com.

Looks like he bought some merch too.

♪ Doo-doo-ba-doop-be-dee-doop-ba-dup ♪

Look, Karen. I can't go on stage.

There are m*therf*cking mutants
who wanna k*ll me!

Too bad. The show is sold out.

You're on at :, and then Carlos Mencia
will come on and do your act verbatim.

Oh, this is bullshit!
I lost ten hands in a row. I am done...

right after I win these next ten hands!
Ha ha...

- [siren blaring]
- What? [spluttering]

Tsk, tsk, b*llet.

Gambling is sinful.

My daddy was a gambler
who hit rock bottom,

bare-backed a gutter trash ho-bag,

and spent the rest of his days
bitching about some fat turd baby

who ruined his life, named...

I don't know, Rusty or Dusto or something.
I'm taking your chips away from you.

You touch those chips,
and I will kick your ass.

Oh yeah? Well, then hit me.
Come on. Hit me.

Hit me. Hit me. Hit me. Hit me.

Hit me. Hit me. Hit me. Hit me.

Hit me. Hit me. Hit me. Hit me. Hit me.

Hit me.

Hit me. Hit me. Hit me. Hit me. Hit me.

Twenty-one! Winner.

Holy sh*t!

Dusty is the luckiest man on earth!

[man] Stop him!

It is the Buffet Bandit!

Holy sh*t. I thought I made that up.

[Gina] Kevin, come to room .
There is a fire.

I'm on my way.

[screams]

Wh-Where's the fire?

In my pants.

Oh my God!

[grunts]

Kevin, wait!

I meant, like,
I'm on fire with desire for you.

Oh, sorry.

Lost my Aunt Edna in a vag*na fire.
Lube is really important as you get older.

[scoffs] It's okay. It's okay.
I booked this room for the two of us.

I think I'm finally ready to, you know,

get physical.

[gulps]

[groaning] Let's... f*ck...

[gags]

Oh, that's it!
I am getting this f*cking b*llet removed!

I'm afraid the procedure
to remove this b*llet

only has a % chance of survival.

Ten percent if I'm sober,
but trust me, I won't be.

Gina, it's too risky.

Even if this means we can't be together.

There's gotta be something else we can do?

Well, there are some
more homeopathic options.

He could jack off in front of you
while you vomit, Louis CK-style.

Or make love to you while you vomit,
Melania-style.

Or you can stick your toes up his ass
while you vomit, Dr. Funtlichter-style.

- Or...
- f*ck that!

We'll find a way to make this work.
Come on, Kevin.

Oh, don't worry, ma'am.

This is a routine procedure
with a % chance of survival.

Now, stick your toes up my ass and vomit.

[big band music playing]

[crowd chanting] Beans! Beans! Beans!

Ooh! Look at me, pretending I'm white,
like I'm Justin Bieber or some sh*t.

Beans Stinkwater!

[in sing-song voice] That's me!

Sing the song for me, Beans.
I need this. I need it bad.

♪ Oh! Buffalo gals
Won't you come out tonight ♪

♪ Come out tonight, come out tonight? ♪

Yes! Yes! I must be a Buffalo gal,
'cause I'm ready to come out tonight!

Uh... say what?

Anyways, the theater's full
of violent, drunk hillbillies.

But as long as you deliver
the laughs a minute

as promised on your website,
you'll be just fine.

Uh, what am I gonna do? I'm not funny.

[spooky moan]

Neither was I.

[chuckles] Oh! Prop Cop?

[chuckles] I thought you were dead!

Oh, but I am.

I met my end. [laughs]

My ticket got punched!

Hoo! I bought the farm!

Whoo! I've crossed the Jordan!

Wee-ooh!

[laughing]

Oh, I could never be a master
of prop comedy like you.

But you will.

Because I am here
to teach you the ways of prop comedy.

Prop comedy surrounds us.

Hoo! It penetrates us.

Ooh! It's everywhere.

Look around and think of the stupidest,
hackiest pun that comes to mind.

The dumber, the better!

Now, do you think you can do this?

Yes!

[singing] ♪ I f*cking can! ♪

Dusty!

Hey, I know you don't approve of gambling,
but you're so lucky.

Could... could you just place
one teeny-weeny bet

for your ol' scumbag pal
with addiction issues?

Abso-fartly not! I told you, it's sinful.

Okay, but that nice robot
dropped a quarter.

Will you give it back to him?

Well, of course, certainly I will.

Here you go, Mr. Robot Man.

[bells ringing]

Well, holy sh*t.

I gave this sumbitch a quarter,
and he comes all over my shoes?

I'll... I'll do it for a nickel.

You're telling me this is a new restaurant
called The Sports Book?

[chuckling] Yeah.

Order anything you want off this menu.

Okay, I'm gonna have the Miami Dolphin
with a side of Seattle Seahawk.

[gasps] Ooh, my!

The Pittsburgh Penguin
sounds A-B-C-Delicious!

Six-point spread?

I don't need that.

I brought my own spread.

Just put it all on what he said.

Ooh! I'm excited!

The last time I ate like this,
I got banned from the zoo.

Did you find a fat person
to look at while we have sex?

No, I thought it'd be weird to have
another person in the room,

so I grabbed this standee
of a chubster instead.

Uh, oh, great. Heh.

What kind of man would I be

if I couldn't have sex
with my mom staring at me?

Great. Get to it then.

Okay, Kevin, you can do this.

[Karen] Welcome to the Twat Nugget Casino!

Get lucky while I watch!

Ahh!

- Why is it talking?
- I think it's motion activated.

[Karen] Poker! Poker! Poker!

Shut up!

Everybody, come in my mouth

watering buffet!

[grunts]

Come in my mouth...
Come in my mouth... Come in my mouth...

- [man's voice] That's it! That is it!
- Wait. Who said that?

I'm Kevin's penis, and I've been through
some really gross stuff,

but this is the line!

I'll be retracting into his abdomen
until further notice.

f*ck off!

[humming]

All right. Luck be a lardy tonight, huh?

Where's Dusty?

Dusty, what are you doing?
I thought you said gambling was sinful.

It ain't gambling if I never lose, is it?

And I figured out what you was doin'!

You was trickin' me into gambling for you!

Kindly get your fuzzy f*ckin' ass
outta here, because I am winnin' for me.

Round here they call me a whale.

- Round everywhere they call you a whale.
- Oh! All right, that's it!

Hey, you, lard-ass!

I'll give you $, cash
to stick this doggy between your titties

and do the Truffle Shuffle.

[grunts, groans]

Oh God, stop!
Oh, it smells like water damage!

Thanks, Russell Crowe!

Arrest that man!

Russell Crowe is the Buffet Bandit!

[grunting]

Thanks, Karen. Dusty's a g*dd*mn maniac!

That assh*le's up
like a half a million bucks.

What? If he cashes out,
the casino will go bankrupt.

We've gotta make him lose!

I was hoping you'd break his fingers
or bury him in the desert,

but we could do the lose thing,
that's fine.

[garbled moaning]

Oh no! Russell Crowe's gotten loose!

[garbled moaning continues]

[chanting] Beans! Beans! Beans!

[Randall] Please welcome
the greatest performer

in the history of mankind...

Beans Stinkwater!

♪ Buffalo gals, won't you come out tonight
Come out tonight, come out tonight? ♪

♪ Buffalo gals
Won't you come out tonight ♪

♪ And we'll dance
by the light of the moon! ♪

[cheering, applause]

Hey, y'all! Check out my new iPhone!

Oh, you're gonna love my iPad!

Look... [chuckles]

I'm cock-eyed!

We got any Latino people in the audience?

[chuckles] Eye-eye-eye!

But I'm no r*cist.

My best friend is a China-man!

[roaring laughter]

[dramatic music playing]

Chief! A mutant tried to k*ll me!

Did you see him?
He looked like his face was melting off.

Hey, relax, Bean-o.
You've still got the second show to do.

Besides,
the mutants are only trying to k*ll Fitz,

who deserves it, by the way.

Chief, I am Fitz!

Wow!

Now that is a really offensive imitation
of my African-American friend Fitz.

Hey, stick to prop comedy, Beans, huh?

Huh. That coyote
does a better Fitz impression.

[playing Dixie music]

We joke about coyotes dressing like humans
and taking over society, but it's no joke.

We're coming for you, m*therf*ckers.

[knocking on door]

[door opens]

[snoring]

Dusty?

It's me. I drugged Dusty's food
so I could wear him like a fat suit

while we pork, huh? Huh?

Jesus, Kevin!

That is so romantic! Take me.

Oh, they have that movie
where that twat nugget Johnny Depp

was a highly offensive Indian.
I love that.

Room is clean. Who gives a g*dd*mn?

[fanfare plays]

Are you sure this will make Dusty lose?

Trust me.
There is no way this horse can win.

And I gave it a name
that guarantees Dusty'll bet on it.

Put everything on Deep Fried
Chili Nutella Fries À La Mode to win!

[squeals] Goop!

Okay, fellas. We ready to lose this race?

Yeah, but next time I wanna be the front.

Well, that's fine with me.
I like smelling your ass.

[bugle call sounds]

[horse snorts, neighs]

[bell rings]

- [horses neigh]
- [grunts]

[announcer] And the winner by default is
Deep Fried Chili Nutella Fries À La Mode!

What the f*ck happened?

Uh... it might be because we did
a little pregaming in the stable.

- I can smell my heart.
- Yeah, that's normal, man.

Thanks for making me all that money,
Deep Fried Chili Nutella Fries À La Mode.

You are one special horse.

Yes, I am. But I gotta know,
how you so damn lucky, Dusty?

Well, Mr. Talking Horsey,
I've got a secret.

It's my lucky underwear.
I never take 'em off.

Oh, I get it.
They're lucky 'cause they're green.

They were white when I bought 'em.

Yeah, I'm regrettin'
gettin' in here with you.

Man, I've been in here so long,
my hooves are starting to get prune-y.

Ain't that right, Delbert?

Oh sh*t! Delbert!

[snoring]

Okay, it's gonna take both of us

to strip the magic drawers
off this high-rollin' hippo.

I feel like my sponsor predicted this.

[grunting]

- Come on.
- Almost there.

[cell phone rings]

Ahh!

Hello? Hey, Gordon!
I was just talking about you.

Remember when you said I'd end up

stripping the sh*t-kicked underwear
off a fat guy if I kept gambling?

[chuckles] Well, yeah, I'll be damned.
I owe you a hundred bucks!

[muffled yelling]

[gasps, panting]

You little assh*le!

Hey, look! You loosened 'em up!

[gasps] Oh, thank God.

Now, let's burn those evil undies
before they fall into the wrong hands!

They already have.

Double-cross!

Sorry, Karen, I gotta steal
these magic undies and win my money back.

Scumbags gonna scumbag! You know, dawg.

b*llet! You six-nippled son of a bitch!

What the hell are you doing?

CPR. I've been giving him
mouth-to-d*ck for two hours.

Don't tell him I ain't dead.

Don't tell him I know he ain't dead.

[big band music playing]

[gulps]

Beans, you're supposed to be on stage.

Chief, you saw the last show.

Some melted-face mutant tried to k*ll me!

All I saw was the greatest
comedic performance I've ever seen.

And once,
Carlos Mencia came all over my shoes.

Ra-ha! What? That's my bit!

Now get on that stage!

[orchestra warming up]

[sinister music plays]

[screams]

Okay, you got me.

Do your worst, you mutant m*therf*cker!

Mutant?

Carrot Top?

That's right, Beans Stinkwater.

It's me,
the greatest prop comic of all time.

And I m*rder anyone
who dares to challenge my throne!

Wh... Uh, but I am not a prop comic!

Bullshit! I saw your show.
It was brilliant!

Especially that "eye-eye-eye" bit.
Transcendent.

Seriously, very smart comedy.

However, there can only be
one great prop comic,

me.

Okay, but what about Gallagher?

You know, the Sledge-O-Matic guy
with a giant hammer

that smashes watermelons?
He's a prop comic too.

You fool!

I am Gallagher!

[laughs evilly]

You thought that was a human face?

I created the Carrot Top persona
when my ticket sales started to fade

once people realized my act sucked,
mid-'s.

Now, I eliminate any thr*at
to my prop comedy empire,

which is why you,
Beans Stinkwater, must die.

Fitz, use the force... d comedy.

I think it's you who must

die.

- Woo-woo-woo-woo!
- Ooh!

You dare challenge me to a prop-off?

Well, let's see how you like my head-lock!

Whoa!

That's nothing compared to my karate chop!

Ska-ba-da-bow!

See if you like the taste of my L-bow!

Damn it!

This is the first time
my act wasn't painful.

Like my half Nelson?

Apartheid!

[grunts]

I'm tired of toying with you.

Meet Sledge-O-Matic!

Please welcome to the stage
Beans Stinkwater and...

Holy sh*t! Special guest Gallagher?

[cheering]

There can only be one.

[gasps] Ah!

I am worthy!

No! You wield the Sledge-O-Matic.

It is the prop-phecy!

[cheering]

Check out this comedy routine
I just made up.

You know, this is the first time
I ever enjoyed the Mind of Mencia.

[laughs] Remember that show? Anybody? No?

[man in crowd] Yeah!

One f*cking guy. Okay.

Where are you,
you ass-sniffing f*ck-hound?

I'm right here, baby.

Not you, Camaro Bob!

Copy that. f*ck you later, baby.

Must... make it... to table.

[gags, grunts]

There you are, you f*ckin' brief thief!

Gimme back my lucky drawers
before they k*ll your little ass!

It's time for me to cash out.

Excuse me, Dusty?

High rollers cash out over here.
[chuckles]

Your grand total is . million in chips,

which means you can cash out

for any of these
Chuck E. Cheese-type prizes. Okay?

You must think I'm a stupid-ass f*ck
if you...

[gasps]

Is that a My Little Pony
scented Pinkie Pie eraser?

I want the eraser!
Gimme! Gimme! I wanna smell!

Goop! [sniffs]

[gasps] Strawberry!

"Do not eat."

[laughs] f*ck off.

[gulps]

Kevin, I'm so sorry we couldn't have sex.

I really care about you.

Hey, we... we tried everything we could.

You know, Gina, maybe you
and I are supposed to just be friends.

[somber music playing]

Gina, are you sure about this?

I don't care about the risks.
Take that b*llet out.

[dramatic music playing]

[gasps] We're losing her!
The procedure's not working!

[beeping]

[EKG makes flatline beep]