03x12 - PARAD-ISIS

[bunniefuu]

We are gathered here today
to remember the life of a true hero.

A hero loved dearly
by the town of Paradise.

A true friend with crazy eyes,
a hair-trigger temper,

and let's be honest,

the cutest little ass in town, huh?

We'll miss you so much...

Dobby.

It's been one year

since the poor little guy
was blown up by that nuke,

and his body was never even found.

I'd like to welcome his parents
to say a few words.

Dobby had such a good heart.

I remember the time he tried to
keep Harry from going back to Hogwarts

because he knew
the Chamber of Secrets had been opened.

What the hell are you talking about?

Oh, I thought we were talking about
that bug-eyed troll from Harry Potter.

- Maggie Smith?
- Get the hell off the stage!

Dobby, I... I miss you so much. [sniffs]

I just appreciate all of you
who showed up today.

Yes, I was told there'd be food.

Why the hell isn't anyone here?

Oh, they all had lame excuses,

'specially Gina.

She texted me something about
going in for "Brian surgery."

Who the hell's Brian,
and why do I give a sh*t?

[EKG makes flatline beep]

No, No! Don't you die on me!

A flatline cliffhanger?

Why, that's just a "f*ck you"
to the audience.

Luckily, in Gina's case,
the surgery was a huge success.

[huffs] That's great news!

Kind of a wash for me.
I get paid either way.

- [Gina groans]
- Gina! Thank God you're alive!

Without that b*llet affecting her brain,

Gina will no longer
only be attracted to obese men.

Mm. Hello, Mr. Skinny.

Mm. Gimme that ween, Mr. Lean.

Oh! Mm! Yeah!

Oh, maybe the surgery
worked a little too well.

She just needs some fine-tuning.

[grunts]

Now how does Kevin look?

Handsome.

Yeah, still broken. [grunts]

I'm... fine.

This is incredible.

I feel normal for the first time
since I was a little girl.

I can't believe
you risked your life for me.

I thought you might want to keep this.

It's the b*llet I removed from your brain.

That almost looks like...

- A ring.
- A butthole!

Uh, a ring. Right. Of... of course.

This is a sign that I shouldn't waste
another moment of my life.

Kevin Crawford, will you marry me?

Yes! Yes!

The vision board worked!

Hurry it up, ladies. Don't forget,
this is outpatient brain surgery.

I've got a tee time in...

Oh! Uh, Gina, I'm pretty sure
I left my watch inside you.

You left your watch inside my head?

Head? I never said head.

[watch alarm beeping]

- [theme music playing]
- [Crawford grunts]

[Fitz grunts]

[Gina shouts]

- [shouts, groans]
- [growls]

Thanks to the casino profits,
my Rebuild Paradise Initiative is funded,

and the town's restoration
is nearly complete!

Thank you, degenerate gamblers!

You're welcome.

This town is finally
gonna get some good PR,

and we need to put our best foot forward.

On it! Fitz, b*llet,
round up all the hobos,

and get them
to the Paradise Homeless Shelter.

Ho! [groans]

Hey, uh, Chief,

can you not partner me up with Fitz today,
or, uh, or like, ever?

Why?

Oh, because you're the father of his kid,
and he doesn't know.

Shh... Shut up!

Yes, I've been avoiding
that whole situation for months.

If he finds out,
he'll probably kick my ass, or k*ll me.

b*llet, there's one thing that always
gets me out of any bad situation.

[chuckles] I just start singing
"Pump Up The Jam."

Okay, hold on. So, in order to avoid
being m*rder*d, your advice for me

is to sing "Pump Up The Jam,"
the song by Technotronic?

I'm telling you, no one can stay angry
when they hear that new jack swing.

What the hell are you doing with my wife?

♪ Pump up the jam! ♪

♪ Pump it up! ♪

♪ While your feet are stompin' ♪

Hey! Are you taking a sh*t
in the Bellagio fountain?

♪ Pump up the jam! ♪

♪ Pump it up! ♪

♪ While your feet are stompin' ♪

♪ And the jam is pumpin' ♪

[growling]

♪ Pump up the jam! ♪

♪ Pump it up! ♪

♪ While your feet are stompin' ♪

♪ And the jam is pumpin' ♪

♪ Look ahead, the crowd is jumpin' ♪

Are you f*cking high?

You did not go back in time

and use "Pump Up The Jam"
to save the dinosaurs from extinction.

Hey, guys! Yeah!

Yo! Offi-Saurus!

What up, my naked apes?

Lunch is on me today!

I'm heading down to McDino's!

[laughs] That guy's the best!

Has he, uh... Has he always worked here?

Guys, um, we have an announcement to make.

We're engaged!

- What?
- Really?

Fitz is the Kingpin?

Uh! That's wonderful!

I can't wait to teach you
the Poo-poo Choo-choo song!

♪ Kevin's weird shits
Are your problem now! ♪

And I'm planning the bachelor party!
It's gonna be crazy,

just like that Tom Hanks movie
where he f*cked a volleyball and got AIDS!

You'll have to plan it with Fitz,
'cause he's gonna be my best man.

Thanks, buddy.

I'd be honored to plan your crazy
Tom Hanks bachelor party.

We'll go to prison and watch bees
come out of a giant black man's mouth.

I'm sorry.
He... he took all the good movies.

b*llet, you and I are gonna be
spending a lot of time together.

Great.

[laughs]
♪ Fitz is gonna find out your secret ♪

What secret?

Oh, um, uh...

I, um... Well, deep down,

I feel like I identify as a cat. Yeah.

[Dusty] Oh, hell no!

You ain't stealing my dream, you sumbitch!

I'm saving up for the surgery.
I already got the scent glands put in.

Ah! Pungent.

Hit me again, please.

Oh yeah, yeah. Congratulations, you two.

That's it?
I thought you'd be more excited.

Oh, I am, son. I...

[yawns] I'm just tired.

I've had to start moonlighting
to cover baby expenses.

Uh, excuse me. Who gives a sh*t?

Why are there no doughnuts
in the break room?

Because I didn't buy any.

I'm embarrassed to admit this, Dusty,
but I've been buying the doughnuts

to fatten you up
ever since you started working here.

We're very lucky
to have landed this new recruit.

He's a Navy SEAL
and was the top in his class.

Everyone, say hello to Dusty Marlowe.

Proud to be a part of the team.

- Have a doughnut, Skinny.
- Oh, I don't touch sugar.

You see, obesity runs in my family.

I wasn't asking.

I suppose one couldn't hurt.

Mm. Oh my God, these are incredible!

[chomping] Goop!

Dusty, I was a monster
when I had a b*llet in my brain,

and I'm so sorry.

As a friend, I really hope you join a gym
and lose some weight.

You think I need to lose weight?

Oh! Maybe you're right. I mean,
I do have front titties, back titties,

and little titty titties.

Yes, it's an exciting day and all,
but there's still work to do.

Ah, boy. Gina, this scumbag ain't talking.

Will you introduce this plunger
to his turd cutter till he does?

It's weird, but I don't want to
plunge his turd cutter.

When they took the b*llet out,
I think my anger went with it.

Ah, great.

The only reason I broke the law
was to have Gina wreck my turd cutter.

f*ck my life!

Now I'm just some assh*le
who k*lled my family for nothing.

This is all your fault, Kevin!
From the minute you started dating Gina,

I knew you would turn her into
a beta p*ssy just like you.

So that's why you weren't excited
about the engagement.

I should've known you're too selfish
to be happy for your own son.

You're the one that's selfish!
You ruined my best cop!

Newsflash, Kevin!

Women shouldn't need a lobotomy
to want to f*ck you!

You know what? You've been
an assh*le to me my entire life.

f*ck you! I don't want you at my wedding!

Oh, what a bummer for me.

I was really looking forward to seeing you
in that dress, you little bitch.

Wow, that argument
was bigger than my dinosaur balls!

Which are humongous!

Offi-Saurus!

You all know him?

They know I like to flip it and dip it.

Oh yeah, he does!

Huh. And he has his own catchphrase?
I'm losing it, man!

[screaming]

[thumps]

- How'd I do, Chief?
- Good, Hopson.

If this doesn't get him off dr*gs,
nothing will.

[groans] I can't believe my assh*le dad.

You stop thinking about him.

I know what'll make you feel better.

Gina, I love you,

and I think we should wait
until we're married.

- Why?
- Because I don't want you to back out

after two sad pumps from my tiny wiener.

Oh, you're so thoughtful.
Of course, we can wait.

But not too long. I was thinking,
for the sake of my purple throbbing balls,

we get married, like, tomorrow?

I think that's a great idea.

I wish we could stay in
this moment forever.

Let's make a deal. We're gonna stay
right here for the rest of the day

in each other's arms.
We are not gonna move,

no matter what happens.

Deal. I came.

[snoring]

[knocking on door]

Junior. You remember b*llet.

Daddy.

That's right. Doggy.

- What are you guys watching?
- My favorite movie, Superman II.

Superman II?

That's the dumbest movie ever made!

Hackneyed script,
static direction, culturally tone-deaf,

and a seeming disgust
for the notion of subtlety.

Well, what's your favorite movie?

Ernest Goes To Africa. 'Course.

Uh, say what?

Oh, here's the best part!

See, they think
they're taking Superman's powers,

but he reversed that sh*t
and took their powers.

He flipped it and dipped it!

Why is he here?

Mainly for your sobriety.

Okay, we've got several months
to plan the perfect bachelor party.

[phone chimes]

Oh sh*t, they're getting married tomorrow,
so we gotta do the party tonight.

Oh no!

b*llet, you watch Junior.

Me and Offi-Saurus
will get beer and strippers.

Wait, but I don't know how to babysit!
Why not let Offi-Saurus watch your kid?

'Cause I'm a pervert.

[laughs awkwardly] Uh, okay.
It's uh, just the two of us here.

Oh, you are a cute little sucker.
Let's put on a real movie.

Hey, Vern. We're in Africa.

Don't worry now, Vern.
I know how to talk to these people.

Hey, homies. What's happening?

What it is, bro.

- [laughs]
- You got good taste in comedy, kid.

Just do me a favor
and stop scratching the furniture

before Fitz figures out you're a dog.

Fitz's couch is more scuffed-up
than Ron Perlman's knuckles.

See? This what Ron Perlman talking about.

Stupid show always make fun of me,
unga bunga.

So, you're saying you want
your own comedy special?

[grunts] That not what Perlman saying.

Well, you're getting one anyway.

Time have change.

Why you can hit on woman in club,

but not hit woman with club?

Can I get the "unga bunga"?

What? What? What?

- What?
- We got a big problem, that's what.

That was the FBI.

They said a Paradise citizen joined !sis
on an extremist Internet message board.

I don't know nothing about that,
but I did join an online gym.

They got cool workout videos
where they're swinging on the monkey bars

and wearing cool black pajamas

and screaming about Admiral Ackbar!
[screams]

Dusty, you f*cking joined !sis!

!sis? No, I told you I joined a gym.

And what's the name of this gym?

Is Is.

They so friendly,
they asked to come to America

and have a "sleepover cell"
in my apartment.

They even gave me this cool
weighted exercise vest.

It even counts down your workouts, see?

Three, two, one...

[screams]

Oh sh*t. I joined !sis.

Okay, I better cancel my membership.

Oh, no, you don't.
We're taking these pricks down.

You hang out with your !sis pals
and find out what they're planning.

Never have I ever...

planned to blow up the Paradise bank.

Nobody, huh? Okay, none of y'all?

Enough of this silly game.
Tell us a ghost story.

All right.

[whispering] When Ahmad got to Paradise,

he was given virgins,

but...

[gasps]

...they were all...

Jewish!

[all scream]

Turn the lights back on! It's so scary!

b*llet?

What happened?

[groans] A bunch of mutants
kicked in the door and knocked me out.

Where's Junior?

"Come to the mutant ghetto tonight,

or you'll never see
your bing-bong baby boy again."

[dramatic music playing]

Got one for me?

It's gonna be dangerous.

Nobody fucks with that kid.

And now,
Comedians In Caves Getting Concussions.

So, Jim Gaffigan, what is fire?

Well...

[screaming]

Thank you for watching.

[grunts]

Unga bunga.

[upbeat music playing]

Where the hell are b*llet and Fitz?
This is the shittiest bachelor party ever.

We can still have a good time, Kevin.

I ordered us a stripper.

[knocking on door]

[man] Yoo-hoo!

I heard some hungry, dirty boy

ordered the all-you-can-eat
melons and sausage platter.

Kevin?

I'm ready to be stuffed, Summer Sausage.

Dad! What the hell?

What do you mean, "What the hell?"

I told you I was moonlighting
for baby money.

I don't care.
I don't want to see you. Get out!

Hey, you booked me,
so I'm not leaving without my money.

That'll be $ , assh*le.

This $ is for a show,

and I didn't see any show.

Oh, you wanna see a show?

[dance music playing]

- [screams]
- Oh! I had a dream just like this.

[grunts, screams]

Yeah, there's your show.
How's that for a show?

Ooh, Kevin,
can you get married every week, please?

[ominous music plays]

Ooh, Mr. Popular down here, huh?

Where the hell are all the mutants?

[dog whimpering]

[barking]

There's Junior!

[grunts]

Get down! I'll get you out.

[clicking]

You gave me an empty g*n?

You're a damn dog!

[mutants groaning]

Who are you?

You may know me as...

Loquacious Pussyjuice.

- [gasps]
- Or your new partner, Officer Kloppers.

- [screams]
- Or...

Pepe Cabana, the Brazilian f*ck-boy.

Yeah, that one ain't ringing a bell.

Remember? Pepe Cabana jumped out of a bush
and screamed, "Hachi-mama-boom-boom"

and threw acid in your face?

No, I think I'd remember that.

Well, sh*t, I owe someone an apology.

Anyway, my real name is Agent Clappers.
I'm the man you turned into a mutant,

and I'm about to get my ultimate revenge
by doing the same thing to you.

I call the machine you're inside
the Mutifier,

and it will turn you into a mutant
just like us.

[grunts]

- [growling]
- Ah, sh*t! You little m*therf*cker!

Junior, run!

[whimpering]

You love that bing-bong baby boy, huh?

Well, let me drop some knowledge
on you real quick.

Your friend b*llet...

is his real father.

What? This can't be!

[sobbing] No!

Fitz, I'm so sorry. I should have...

Clappers, I've got one last request
before you mutate me.

Put that lying piece of sh*t dog
in here with me.

[grunts, screams]

Uh, hold on. Wait a minute!
I got a last request too.

Uh, let me out.

Okay, seems fair.

Wait, I could've said that?

No, we're both staying in.

Well, doggy, I tried.

So are you gonna change or...

Hachi-mama-boom-boom!

We're just gonna yell that again?
No, that's perfect. That's great.

I can't believe
you dragged me to this, Karen.

Kevin doesn't even want me here.

I don't care
if you and Kevin are fighting.

He's still your son,
and you are not missing his wedding.

Yeah, well, they better make it quick.

I got German webcam clients
who paid good money

to watch Summer Sausage
squat down and fart on a birthday cake.

Damn it. I told that selfish assh*le
I didn't want him here.

Cheer up.
I hear you're getting laid tonight.

Oh no.

Is Coach Russo out of prison?

No. I mean us, Kevin.
That's what today's supposed to be about.

Sorry, I'm so distracted.
My dad's out there ruining everything.

Well, let's elope.
Screw all those people out there.

Yeah.

f*ck you people!

What the hell was that about?

Oh, it's them g*dd*mn
Jewish wedding traditions.

Do you mind?
Some people actually work for a living.

Well, hurry it up.
I paid good money to eat that cake.

[sinister music plays]

Fitz, I... I really am sorry.

Just shut up, okay?

The moment is here, Gerald Fitzgerald.
Prepare to be mutified.

[electric whirring]

[all screaming]

He Superman II-ed that sh*t!

Fitz! You flipped it and dipped it? How?

I did it the same way Superman did,

off camera and without much explanation.

You told Clappers to put me in here
to save me,

even after he told you
I was your kid's father?

You think I'm an idiot?

I knew Junior was yours
the second I saw him.

That was also the exact moment
I knew he would be my son, no matter what.

So you're not mad?

Oh, how could I stay mad at you?

You're my baby-daddy.

- [electric hum]
- [both gasp]

- [electric hum]
- [both gasp]

[bell rings]

[electric whirring]

[sigh] Fitzgerald,
since my testicles have been restored,

well, I'm willing to forgive and forget.

Now, I can get my family back.

[melancholy music playing]

["Carol of the Bells"
by Trans Siberian Orchestra]

[sci-fi laser sound]

[bell rings]

[music intensifies]

[bells ringing]

[barking]

[dog whimpers]

God bless us, every one.

[sighs] Where the hell are they?

Chief! Chief! [huffs]

Chief, I finally found out
what !sis is planning.

- They're gonna blow up a building.
- Great, Dusty. Which one?

- This one.
- Oh sh*t. When?

Hmm, let me check the clock they gave me.

Two minutes.

Sorry. We was playing truth or dare,
and now I regret picking dare.

[all gasp]

Hey, Ahmad.

Hey!

That's my friend.

Do you, Gina Jabowski,
take Kevin Crawford to be your husband?

I do.

And do you, Kevin Crawford,
take Gina Jabowski to be your wife?

- I d...
- [phone rings]

Sorry, I better take it.

This is the first time
anyone's ever called me.

Kevin, !sis is here!
They're gonna blow us to Hell!

- [phone beep]
- Oh my God! We've gotta help them!

[dramatic music playing]

Dusty, what the hell are you doing?

I'm stress eating,

and all I can find is this gray fudge
stuffed into my vest pocket.

That's C- , you idiot!

Well, C- fudge tastes like sh*t.

And this cake tastes like farts,
and worth every penny.

Randall, if we have to die,

at least we can hold each other
in our last breath.

No, sweetie, that'd be gay.
If I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die fighting.

[screams] Oh sh*t! f*ck!

Aha!

Ron Perlman?

That right.

Ron Perlman sick of being
butt of Paradise PD joke.

So you're a member of !sis?

Yes, but different !sis.

Not make Jew go boom-boom !sis.

This !sis stand for...

International Society
of Insulted "Selebrities."

Yeah, but celebrity starts with a C.

No, Ron Perlman pretty sure
it start with S,

like "celery" or "pterodactyl."

[dramatic music playing]

We're all celebrities
your stupid show has made fun of.

Y'all said I did weird sex stuff
on my blimp.

That's a damn lie.

I did weird sex stuff
on Jeffrey Epstein's blimp. A pew-pew.

And I'm not a turtle.

I'm a tortoise.

You said I dress like a hobo
and drink cologne.

I'm just here to say

you nailed it.

We'll never be able
to fight our way in there.

We can't,

but the old Gina can.

What are you saying?

You need to put a b*llet in my brain.

No. No, it's too risky.

And... and even if it works,
it means we can't be together.

Kevin, I wanna be with you
more than anything,

but our friends and families
are about to die,

and she's the only one who can save them.

[sad music playing]

[cocks g*n]

I love you, Gina.

[g*n fires]

[screaming]

[growls]

[yells]

[screams]

[grunts]

[!sis member grunts]

[yells]

[growls]

[unintelligible mumbling]

[growls]

[screams]

[growls]

["Wedding March" playing]

- [Gina screams]
- Uuga!

[grunts]

[all scream]

[grunts]

[video game dings]

Holy sh*t! She's like Gina times ten!

It's great to have you back, Gina!

[grunts, chokes]

f*ck that! I was happy.

Gina, stop!

- [growling]
- You're gonna k*ll him!

[chokes]

- [Gina growling]
- Ah!

- [choking]
- [Gina gasps]

Oh! Oh my...

- [gasping] Oh no!
- Gina!

We still got a problem.

This thing's about to blow up
in three, two, one...

Dusty, you saved us!

You ate all the C- , you fat little hero!

b*mb squad, detonate this fat little hero.

Gina, answer your phone.
We can work this out.

Son, it's no use. Gina's gone full beast,

like the kind Ron Perlman
rides to the grocery store.

[growls]

Still better than half the sh*t
on Adult Swim.

Can I get the "unga bunga"?

Any update on Gina?

Still missing.
I don't know if she'll ever come home.

♪ Good morning, everybody! ♪

- Hey, y'all.
- Dusty?

- How the hell are you still alive?
- Easy!

Before the b*mb squad could detonate me,
I defused the situation myself

by taking a big ol' C- fudge dump
in the casino bathroom.

What the hell is happening to Twatemala?

[suspenseful music playing]

Dobby! Dobby!

I hereby declare Paradise
officially rebuilt!

[all cheering]

[roars]

Oh, f*ck that!

[screaming]

[screaming]

Dobby, you're alive!

And a giant monster!

The nuclear blast must have mutated him.
He's gonna destroy the town!

That twatsucker
just smashed Goopy Goobers!

What a d*ck!

Tell me about it!

Wee!

Dobby!

Randall! My water just broke!

And we're still out of doughnuts!

Randall, do something!

Don't worry. I got this.

Dobby!

[inhales]

♪ Pump up the jam! ♪

♪ Pump it up! ♪

♪ While your feet are stompin' ♪

♪ And the jam is pumpin' ♪

♪ Look ahead, the crowd is jumpin'! ♪

♪ Pump it up a little more
Get the party going on the dance floor! ♪

♪ See, 'cause that's where the party's at
And you'll find out if you're too bad ♪

Oh, great, you made him dance, yeah,
and that's solved absolutely nothing.

♪ I don't want a place to stay ♪

♪ Get your booty on the floor tonight
Make my day ♪

♪ I don't want a place to stay ♪

♪ Get your booty on the floor tonight
Make my day ♪

[both scream]

♪ Make my day ♪

- ♪ Make my day ♪
- [screaming]

Ho ho, we did it, Dusty!

Chief, Hopson is dead!

[chuckles] I know! High five!

I just got the town rebuilt,
and it's destroyed again!

And the only police work you did
was sing "Pump Up The Jam"?

You know what?

You're fired!
And so are the rest of your idiot cops!

Karen, I got a better idea.

A smarter idea, an awesome idea!

It better not involve "Pump Up The Jam."

f*ck.

[Paradise PD theme playing]