01x04 - Jaynestown

[bunniefuu]

- Come on, admit it, it's true.
- No, I won't. Because it's not.

- I use swear words like anybody else.
- Oh, really?

I never heard you. When is it that you do
all this cussing? After I go to bed or...?

I swear when it's appropriate.

Simon, the whole point of swearing
is that it ain't appropriate.

Hey there, Inara.

Heading off for
some glamorous romance?

Let's hope so.

See you two tomorrow.

Don't let Mal get you into too much
trouble while I'm gone.

Bye, now. Have good sex.

What?

Oh.

Now this would be a perfect time
for a swear word.

- What happened in here?
- Needed to find some tape.

- So you had to tear my infirmary apart?
- Apparently.

My God, you're like a trained ape,
without the training.

Jayne, I told you we're setting down
on the Canton Factory settlement...

...on Higgins' Moon.
- Yep, that you did.

- Canton don't allow g*ns in their town.
- Yes, sir.

That's why I ain't strapping one
to my hip.

No, that's why you ain't
strapping one anywhere.

Mal, I was in Canton
a few years back.

I might've made me
a few enemies thereabouts.

Enemies? You? No, how can it be?

I don't like the idea
of going in there empty-handed.

Why are you still arguing
what's been decided?

Okay, Inara, we're atmospheric.
You are good to go.

Thanks, Wash.
Disengaging in three, two, one.

Canton really stinks.

That's what makes it a great drop point.
No one comes through.

I vote we do this job
really, really fast.

Kessler's our man. He's holding
the goods we're to deliver.

We go in, make contact.
Easy-peasy.

Zoe, you're holding down the fort.

Let Bernoulli know we'll have
his merchandise end of the week.

- Don't I usually stay with the ship?
- I outrank you. Have fun.

So this is the place
where they make mud.

Yep. Clay, really.

You'd be surprised how many
things it ends up in.

Serenity's got more than a few
ceramic parts in her.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Captain, don't you think Simon
should come with us?

- What? Oh, Kaylee, I don't think...
- Go on, boy. See the sights.

I can watch over your sister. I believe
we've been developing a rapport.

- I don't know. River...
- Go on. I'm a shepherd, after all.

I should be able to keep my eye
on a flock of one.

We're not going that far, doctor...

...and you might maybe make
yourself useful.

Come again?

The management here don't take kindly
to sightseers, which is why we're...

...posing as buyers.

There ain't a one of us looks the part
more than the good doctor.

I mean, the pretty fits, soft hands,
definitely a moneyed individual.

- All rich and lily-white, pasty all over.
- All right.

- Fine, I'll go, just stop describing me.
- You're the boss, boss.

He's the boss now?
Day keeps getting better and better.

Area's employees only.

Best be getting back to landing
unless you have business here.

Yes.

Yes, I'm looking to buy some mud.

Well, then, come to the right place.

Captain...

Of course, we can handle
any volume here.

We have over 2000 workers,
mostly indentured.

We pay them next to nothing.

That way we can pass the savings
directly on to you, the customer.

Savings?

Uh... Excellent, that's...

Because, as I said before,
I'm gonna be needing quite a bit of it.

- I'm a buyer.
- The best of its kind.

We mix it, we brick it raw
right here on the premises.

You add the right catalyst,
you kiln it proper...

...this stuff's 10 times stronger
than steel at half the weight.

Yes. I've heard great...

What happened to Simon?
Who is this diabolical master of disguise?

He's learning.

- It's...
- Excuse me, boss.

I'm sure the foreman
has things need attending.

Let's wander a bit,
look at the operation...

...then you can figure on
whether we get an account.

Yes?

Yes. Yes, we'll wander a bit.

Fair enough. Come and see me
when you're through.

All right. Head to worker town...

...find our man Kessler,
get this job done.

The boy's gonna get us k*lled.
Let's just do this deal and get.

His disguise ain't half
as funny as yours.

- Who're you supposed to be, anyway?
- You haven't been here in years.

You really think you need that getup?
No one's gonna remember you.

I think it's possible they might.

Son of a bitch.

- Jayne?
- Yeah?

You wanna tell me how come
there's a statue of you here...

...looking at me
like I owe him something?

Wishing I could, captain.

- No, seriously. You want to tell me...?
- Look, Mal, I got no rutting idea.

I was here a few years back,
like I said...

...pulled a second-story, stole a lot of
scratch from the magistrate on the hill...

...but things went way south.

I had to hightail it.

They don't put you on a pedestal
in town square for that.

Yeah, except I'm looking at some fairly
compelling evidence says they do.

This must be what going mad feels like.

I think they captured him,
though, you know.

Captured his essence.

- He looks sort of angry, don't he?
- That's kind of what I meant.

Shift 4 on duty.
Shift 4 on duty.

Hey, I got an idea.

Instead of us hanging around
playing art critic...

...till I get pinched,
how's about we move away...

...from this eerie-ass piece of work
and get on with our day.

I don't know.

This here's a spectacle might warrant
a moment's consideration.

Everywhere I go
his eyes keep following me.

Come on, gorram, we got a job.
Let's go do it, get the hell out of here.

I crossed the magistrate
of this company town. Understand?

He ain't exactly a
forgiving sort of guy.

- Magistrate Higgins, I may presume.
- You may.

But I only make the people I own
use my title.

"Mr. Higgins" will do fine.

And you can call me Inara, Mr. Higgins.

It's a rare pleasure,
your visit to my little moon.

- The journey wasn't too taxing?
- Not at all. I'm refreshed and ready.

- Shall we begin at, say, 7:30?
- Perfect.

I have a feeling it will take all your art
to deal with this particular problem.

Every problem, Mr. Higgins,
is an opportunity in disguise.

- What are we up to, sweetheart?
- Fixing your Bible.

I...

What?

Bible's broken.
Contradictions, false logistics.

- Doesn't make sense.
- No, no, you can't take...

We'll integrate nonprogressional
evolution theory...

...with God's creation of Eden.

Eleven inherent metaphoric
parallels already there.

Eleven, important number.
Prime number.

One goes into the house of eleven
eleven times but always comes out one.

- Noah's Ark is a problem.
- Really?

We'll have to call it
early quantum-state phenomenon.

Only way to fit 5000 species
of mammal on the same boat.

Give me that.

River, you don't fix the Bible.

It's broken.

It doesn't make sense.

It's not about making sense.

It's about believing in something.

And letting that belief
be real enough to change your life.

It's about faith.

You don't fix faith, River.

It fixes you.

You hang on to those then.

Can't be a statue of me.
No reason for it.

Flies in the face
of every kind of sense.

Won't argue with that.

They call it mudder's milk.

All the proteins, vitamins and carbs
of your grandma's best turkey dinner...

...plus 15% alcohol.

- It's horrific.
- It worked for the Egyptians.

- What's that?
- The ancient Egyptians.

Back on Earth. Not so different
from the ancestral form of beer...

...they fed the slaves to build
their pyramids. It's liquid bread.

It kept them from starving and knocked
them out so they wouldn't...

...be inclined to insurrection.
- Wow, Simon, that was so...

...historical.

Now what's a gussied-up fella like you
doing in a place like this?

Shake your head, boy,
your eyes are stuck.

Get!

- You wouldn't be looking for Kessler?
- Just having a brew.

I knew a Kessler.

Knew?

He was a good middleman.
Low profile. Didn't filch.

Last week the factory foreman
and his prod crew...

...heard he was moving contraband.

- Gave him a peck of trouble for it.
- What kind of peck was that?

The kind where they hacked off
his hands and feet with a machete...

...rolled him into the bog.
- They peck pretty hard around here.

Listen, my client off-world
is waiting for his delivery.

- If the goods are gone...
- Not to worry.

Your man's merchandise is here,
safe in Kessler's hiding place.

We gotta figure out
how to get it across town...

...without being seen
by the foreman and his prods.

I advise we all just
lay low for a moment.

Jayne
The man they call Jayne

He robbed from the rich
And he gave to the poor

Stood up to the man
And he gave him what for

Our love for him now
Ain't hard to explain

The hero of Canton
The man they call Jayne

Our Jayne saw
The mudders ' backs breaking

He saw the mudders ' lament

And he saw the magistrate taking

Every dollar and leaving 5 cents

So he said
"You can't do that to my people"

Uh, Jayne?

Yeah, Mal.

You got any light you'd like to shed
on this development?

No, Mal.

No, this must be what
going mad feels like.

Stood up to the man
And he gave him what for

Our love for him now
Ain't hard to explain

The hero of Canton
The man they call Jayne

Now here is what separates heroes

From common folk like you and I

The man they called Jayne
He turned around his plane

And let that money hit sky

Oh, I'll be gorram.
That's where that cash went.

I stole that money from Higgins
like the song says.

Lifted me one of his hovercraft.
But I got tagged by anti-aircraft...

...started losing altitude, had to dump
them strongboxes to stay airborne.

Sixty thousand, untraceable...

...and I drop it right square in the middle
of mud-farmer central.

We gotta go to the crappy town
where I'm a hero.

Yeah!

- Hello?
- In here, River.

Um... Um...

I tore these out of your symbol,
and they turned into paper...

...but I want to put them back, so...

Sorry, what's that?

River? River, come back.

Preacher, what the hell did you sick...?
Oh.

Now they off the subject of me,
shouldn't we be getting out of here?

- I'd say that's a reasonable request.
- Rutting mudders.

Yay!

Jayne!

Give me some milk.

Don't you understand?
He's come back.

It's Jayne.

- What the...?
- A hero can't and won't be drinking...

...that sun-myun how. He drinks
the best whiskey in the house!

Is this how people
lay low where you're from?

- Not generally, no.
- Listen, friend, I came here...

...to make sure the deal
went down solid.

Not to get chopped up by the Canton
prod crew and fed to the bog.

I understand your concerns, friend.

This here's all part of our new plan.

- Captain, how exactly is this part of...?
- Still working the details.

Inara, allow me to introduce
my son, Fess Higgins.

Hello, Fess. Mr. Higgins,
this shuttle is a place of union.

- I'm sure you can appreciate...
- What is this?

I brought you here to bed my son,
not throw him a tea party.

Sir, a companion greeting ceremony
is a ritual with centuries of tradition...

My son is 26 years old,
and he ain't yet a man.

Twenty-six. And since he can't find
a willing woman himself...

Mr. Higgins, you're not allowed here.

- What?
- As I said, this room...

...is a consecrated place of union.

- Only your son belongs here.
- Well, I'm...

Why don't you go
and let us begin our work.

- Now listen here, young lady...
- Good night, Mr. Higgins.

Well, that's a bit more peaceful.

Will you sit?

- To Jayne!
- To Jayne!

To me!

- To the mudders!
- Yeah!

Boss Higgins...

You know, I've saved lives.

Dozens. Maybe hundreds.

I re-attached a girl's leg.
Her whole leg.

She named her hamster after me.

I got a hamster.

He drops a box of money,
he gets a town.

- Hamsters is nice.
- To Jayne.

The box-dropping,
man-ape-gone-wrong thing.

- You know, you are pretty funny.
- And you're pretty...

...pretty.

- What did you just say?
- I just said that you're pretty.

Even when you're covered
in engine grease, you're...

No, especially. Especially when
you're covered in engine grease.

Time to get out of this nut house.
I got planning to work out.

Now, captain?
Things are going so well.

I suppose. Jayne's certainly
feeling better about life, but...

I said, things are going well.

Oh, "well".

Well, I tell you what. Jayne is
stuck here with his adoring masses.

Why don't you and Simon hang around
and keep an eye on him for me.

The snow on the roof is
too heavy. The ceiling will cave in.

His brains are in terrible danger.

River?

- Please, why don't you come on out?
- No, I can't.

- Too much hair.
- Is that it?

Hell, yes, preacher. If I didn't have stuff
to get done, I'd be in there with her.

It's the rules of my order.

- Like the book, it symbolizes...
- Uh-huh.

River, honey, he's putting
the hair away now.

It doesn't matter.
It'll still be there. Waiting.

Honey, we're home.

Where you guys been?
Bernoulli's chomping at the bit...

...says he wants his merchandise.

We still got a few wrinkles
to work out on the deal.

Did you know that Jayne
is a bona fide folk hero?

- Got a song and everything.
- You've been drinking, husband.

That he has.
Don't make it any less the case.

- You're telling me Jayne...
- It's true.

True enough. We can use it, anyways.

We talked a few pillars of the mudder
community into having a little...

...Jayne Day celebration
in town square tomorrow.

It should buy us enough of a distraction
to get the stolen goods...

...out from under the foreman.

You're really gonna have to
start again. Jayne's a what?

This whole thing, it is embarrassing.

My father's right again, I guess.
And to have to bring you here...

Your father isn't right, Fess.
It's not embarrassing to be a virgin.

It's simply one state of being.

As far as bringing me here...

...Companions choose the people
they're to be with very carefully.

For example, if your father had asked me
to come here for him, I wouldn't have.

Really?

Really, Fess.

But you're different from him.

The more you accept that,
the stronger you'll become.

So the magistrate, he let you
folks keep all that cash?

He did. And it pained him,
that's for dead sure.

When he found out, he sent
his prods in to take it back from us...

...but the workers resisted.

Fought the law, huh?

If the mudders are together,
there's too many of us to be put down.

So in the end,
he just called it a bonus.

That's one hell of a bonus.

And then, when we put that statue
of you in town square...

...he rolled in, wanted to tear it down,
but the whole town rioted.

You guys had a riot
on account of me?

My very own riot.

I can't believe you're back.

How could I stay away?

- Magistrate Higgins.
- My son's out there...

...I pray to God, losing his cherry.

There's a problem in worker town, sir.

Jayne Cobb's come back.

- Evening, Stitch.
- What do you want with me?

Nothing. Done your time,
you paid your debt.

It's time you were on your way.

Here. I believe these
were your personal effects.

You keep me in that box four years,
and then you give me a loaded g*n?

You got the urge to use it, no doubt.

But I'm not the one that
brought you in on that robbery.

I'm not the one that turned on you
when his plan went south.

How high up was that shuttle
when he pushed you out? Thirty feet?

Jayne Cobb cost you
four years of your life...

...plus a perfectly good eyeball.

And here's the poetical portion.
He's back in town.

This very day.

Best of luck in your new life.

- Hey, captain. Captain!
- Hey.

Mal. Mal, I...

No, nothing happened.

No, there was some drinking,
but, no, we certainly didn't.

I would never...
Not with Kaylee.

- What do you mean, not with me?
- Yeah. Where's my hero?

Now love for me now
Ain't hard to explain

The hero of Canton
The man they call me

Eggs. The living legend needs eggs,
or maybe another milk.

No, living legend
needs to come with us.

He's got a little appearance to make.

- He does?
- That's right.

This job here's gone
way past long enough.

All right, well, you go on now.
I got me important hero-type stuff to do.

- Where you going?
- I'm going with you.

I don't think so.
No, maybe you ought to stay here.

It's about time for a civilized person
to have his breakfast.

That's the sort of thing would be
appropriate, don't you think?

- Excuse me, could I see a menu?
A what?

You're very quiet.

I'm sorry.

I just...

I just thought I'd feel...

...different after.

Aren't I supposed to be a man now?

A man is just a boy who's old enough
to ask that question.

Our time together,
it's a ritual, a symbol.

It means something to your father.

I hope it was not entirely
forgettable for you.

- Oh, no, it was...
- But it doesn't make you a man.

You do that yourself.

Fess! Fess Higgins! Get out here!

So that's where the little...

...Jayne celebration
we got planned comes in.

Should give us enough time
to get the goods back on Serenity.

I don't know.

You think we should be using
my fame to hoodwink folks?

- You better laugh when you say that.
- No, really, Mal, I mean...

...maybe there's something to this.
The mudders...

I think I really made
a difference in their lives.

- Me, Jayne Cobb.
- I know your name, jackass.

- They threw a riot on my account.
- A riot?

- Morning, kids.
- Is that Jayne? Is that really him?

- Wash, pinch me. I must be dreaming.
- Hell, I'll pinch you.

Just get on over to town square, Jayne.
Your fans are waiting.

You think we can get this stuff
cross-town without being noticed?

Gotta find it first.

Here we go.

Let's get it dug up.

- A criminal hearing?
- Yeah, my father's ordered me to attend.

You see, there's this man...

It happened when I was
growing up here.

He stole a ton of money from my dad
and gave it to the poor...

...to my father's workers.

He's become kind of a folk hero
in Canton.

Go on.

Well, he's back.
Apparently, he landed here yesterday.

Yesterday?

Oh, no.

I know this man.

He just has this idiotic sense
of nobility, you know.

He can never just let things go.

He thinks he's this hard-hearted criminal,
and he can be unrelenting...

...but there's a side to him
that's just so...

You mean you actually know Jayne?

Jayne? Jayne Cobb?
You're talking about Jayne Cobb?

Yes, Jayne Cobb,
the hero of Canton.

The only person I ever saw
who stood up to my father.

I, wha...

My dad had him traced to his ship.
He had port control put a lock on it.

Jayne'll get back
and find out that he's grounded.

I sort of hate the idea
of his getting caught.

Yes, that would be bad.

Could I just get the check, please?

Heard tell you run with Jayne Cobb.

Excuse me?

You're gonna take me to that dirty,
low-down shingle of a man.

Listen, sir, I don't know who...

Sir? Look at me, you panty-waist idiot!

I just spent the last four years steaming
in a hotbox and you're "sir"- ing me?

Folks say you're part
of Jayne's team, so...

...where is that no-good reptile
hiding himself?

Tell me, boy, or I'll cut off
every last bit of them good looks.

Oh, not done yet, young'un.

That's gonna cost you an eye.

Jayne!

Come on. Come on!

They love their boy.
Just drive by nice and slow.

- Come on, sir, let's just get...
- The magistrate says no.

We hold position. Understand me?

Zoe, pack down the cargo.
Wash, you heat up Serenity.

- We're blowing this mess in half an hour.
- Already there.

Let's go get our wayward babes.

Jayne! Jayne! Jayne!

Speech! Speech! Speech!

Um...

I'm no good with words. Don't...

Don't use them much myself.

But I want to thank you all for being
here and thinking so much of me.

Far as I see it...

...you people been given
the shortest end of the stick...

...ever been offered a human soul
in this crap-heel 'verse.

But you took that end...

...and you...

- Well, you took it.
- Yeah.

- Yeah, we did.
- That's... Well, I guess that's something.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Wow. That didn't sound half bad.

I'm shocked my own self.

Stitch Hessian.

Well, hey there, Jayne.

Thought I'd make you watch
while I butchered me one of your boys.

He ain't one of mine.

Where you been hiding?

You gone got yourself
looking mighty hideous.

Yeah.

Now Jayne gets his.

Oh, honey.

Kaylee?

So, what's this about a hero of Canton?
Was I hearing that right?

Four years of lockdown
plays tricks on the ear.

I ain't a hero, Stitch.

- Just a working stiff like you.
- Oh.

Yep, he's right. Jayne is.

Heck, we used to work together,
he and I.

Now why don't you just
let old Stitch speak his peace.

Go on, then.

A whole lot of money in a magistrate's
safe, weren't there, Jayne?

Got away clean too, but then our plane
took a hit, and we're going down.

We dumped the fuel reserve,
dumped the life support.

Hell, we even dumped the seats.

Then there's Jayne, the money and me.

There was no way
he was gonna drop that money.

- He did. He dropped it on the mudders.
- By accident, you inbred dung-head.

- He tossed me out first.
- What?

For six months we run together,
he turned me out before I could scream.

- You'd have done the same.
- No. Never.

You protect the man you're with.
You watch his back.

Everybody knows that,
hell, except the hero of Canton.

You gonna talk me to death, buddy?
Is that the plan?

This is the plan.

Get up.

Get up, you stupid piece of...

What'd you do that for?
Didn't you hear a word he said?

All of you...

...you think that someone's
just gonna drop money on you?

Money they could use?

Well, there ain't people like that.

There's just people like me.

Wash, we're on.
Get us the hell off of the mud ball.

Yeah, I'm working on it.

Hello, Wash. Has there been
a problem with takeoff?

Is there a problem?
Is there a problem?!

No.

We're fine.

You did what?

I sent an override to port control,
lifted the land-lock on Serenity.

I ought to wipe that smile off your head.
How dare you defy me, you...

You wanted to make a man
out of me, Dad. I guess it worked.

Just keep walking, preacher man.

You gotta be steely. You can't
be letting men stomp on you so much.

It wasn't exactly a plan.

You ain't weak.

You couldn't b*at him back?

Or would that not be appropriate?

You're never letting go
of that, are you?

Well, you confound me some, is all.

I mean, you like me well enough,
and we get along.

And then you go all stiff.

I... I'm not... I didn't...

See, you're doing it right now.

What's so damn important
about being proper?

It don't mean nothing
out here in the black.

It means more out here.

It's all I have.

I mean, my way of being polite,
or however it's...

Well, it's the only way I have
of showing you that I like you.

I'm showing respect.

- So when we made love last night...
- When we what?!

You really are such an easy mark.

Don't make no sense.

What...?

Why the hell did that mudder
have to go and do that for?

Jumping in front of that shotgun blast.

Hell, there weren't a one of them
understood what happened out there.

They're probably sticking
that statue right back up.

Most like.

I don't know why that eats at me so.

It's my estimation...

...that every man ever got
a statue made of him...

...was one kind
of son of a bitch or another.

It ain't about you, Jayne.

It's about what they need.

Don't make no sense.