01x02 - He Got Game, She Got Cats

[bunniefuu]

New York merry tops coming up.

You know who won't be there?
Moi.

That is French for "me."

Because I can't run?
Yes.

Because I don't support a day
where people can just pee

wherever they want?
Oh, yes.

But most of all,
I think long distance running

is lonely.

I can't stand being alone.

In fact, I'm gonna go
to Chris in San Diego right now.

Chris, be with me.

I need your take on the
chargers' defense now

more than ever.

Woo! Taking the look
from day to night.

No more
"I work in a man's world.

"I wanna be taken seriously.

I'm gonna dress
like a Russian grandmother."

You know what?
This is my first night out

in two weeks, so you're not
gonna spoil this for me.

I can't believe Ryan isn't
making you stay late.

You guys have had
a lot of work lately.

No, he just doesn't want
to go home to his empty house,

and so he keeps coming up
with lamer and lamer excuses

to work late.

Oh, we need to pull clips
for the "best of" show.

We should start early,
because I've been

inordinately "best" this year.

We need to come up
with different ways

for me to do our station I.D.

[Low voice] K-bal.
[Lighter] K-bal.

[Imitating soccer announcer]
K-baaal!

Carrie, could you
come in here for a moment?

[Laughs] I'm just kidding.
You don't have to come in.

That was pretty funny,
though, right?

You know what?
You better come in.

And then he gets bored of
the work, and he says...

You know what might be fun?

You know what might be fun?

You know what might be fun?

And then we have
what he thinks is fun.

That's the domino's.

You know what might be fun?

[Black Keys' Lonely boy]

Movin' into this nursing home
has been rough.

Well, let's talk it through.

Just what is it
about the nursing home

that's bothering you?

I hate old people
and I hate sick people.

You know what could
make things more fun?

You're blind and black,
so why don't you find a friend

who's white and deaf,
and then you can be

like Gene Wilder
and Richard Pryor...

Stop, stop doing
what you're doing.

- So can I talk?
- Mm - hmm.

My boyfriend Jason's
driving me crazy.

Sometimes, he stares at me,

and I'm like,
"what's with that look?"

And he's like,
"it's just my face."

Let's dig a little deeper.

What do you think
is the undercurrent of...

No, don't dig deeper.
She hates his face.

So, unless he gets a new face,
that's kind of a deal breaker.

Well, it would appear
that way on the surface, but...

[Mimics buzzer]

You know what this group's
problem is?

We spend all of our time
in the huddle talking,

and we never run a play,
we never take action.

It's always stasis.

Sonia, what do you wanna do
about your boyfriend?

You know what?
I wanna dump him.

Do it then!
Dump his ass.

Yeah, either break up with him,

or stop talking about it.

Did any of you know
I hate my mother?

I haven't been able
to bring it up

because of all
the Jason chatter.

[Chanting] Dump him.

All: Dump him! Dump him!
Dump him! Dump...

Okay, it's getting a little

"villagers coming for
Frankenstein" in here.

I'm gonna dump him.

I'm gonna call him tonight.

- Tonight?
- Why wait?

- Do it now.
- Yeah.

What does it mean when I light
the serenity candle?

That everything fun stops?

- [Gasps]
- Hello, Jason?

I am tired of you,
and your food blog,

and your obsession
with the plausibility

of living on other planets
or at the bottom of the sea.

And you hate his face.

Ooh, ooh!
Insult his genitalia.

We hate that.

You tell that low-down
dirty fool that the Sonia train

is now, uh, an express,

and, uh...

Don't give up, George.

It won't be stopping
at the Jason station.

He did it.
He was able to do it.

Oh, there it is.

You are broken up with, mister.

- Ow!
- Yeah!

Wow, I feel like we really
got carried away.

- Why don't we ask ourselves...
- Shh. No more questions.

We want action, and Ryan King
is a man of action.

[Chanting] We want action.

All: We want action!

No more stasis.

All: No more stasis!

Action.
Ah... stasis!

All: Action!
Ah... stasis!

- Ryan?
- [Gasps]

I, um, I know you like
to stir up controversy,

but this isn't
sports radio, okay?

You can't solve
people's problems in 30 seconds.

[Chuckles]
I kind of just solved Sonia's.

Did you,
or did you just help her avoid

doing some serious
emotional work

within the context
of a relationship?

The first one.

Ryan, you're good at your job,
but so am I,

and I'm here to tell you
your words have consequences.

Ryan?

Hey, that was the most exciting
session we've ever had.

Hey, you love sports.

I-I got something
you should see.

A real piece
of basketball history.

Oh, I'd like to see that.

Well, come by the house,
and, uh, bring your friend,

uh, Steven with you.
He's a real cool guy.

He is a cool guy.
And you know what he likes?

Action.

Action! Action!

- Yeah, I'm done with that.
- Oh.

Somebody named Sonia
here to see you.

She said she's from your group,
and she seems crazy,

so I believe her.

Really?
Did you tell her that I was...

Hey, Sonia!

That's fun.
What's goin' on?

Nothin'.
What's up with you?

Well, I'm working.
That's why I'm here... at work.

Yeah. I'm lonely too.

Just keep thinking about Jason.

Now, Sonia,
remember how we decided

not to dwell on our feelings?

What's better than feeling?

- Action?
- That's right. Action.

No, no, no.
This is the fastest way out.

So you lost your boyfriend.
You gotta fill the void.

What else do you enjoy?

Mm, back when I had a cat,
I never felt lonely.

I loved taking care of him.

- So let's get you a cat.
- You think?

Yes! Why are we still talking
about this?

Go, get a cat right now,
before the cat store closes.

I say "Sonia,"
you say "cat."

Sonia! Sonia!
Cat! Cat!

I say "Ryan,"
you say "best friend!"

Ryan!

Are you saying it?

Hey, you may wanna get
some take-out menus.

I'm afraid we're gonna have
to work late again tonight.

Oh, yeah,
it's no problem, boss.

Let me just make
a quick phone call.

Hi, Sophie.

Yeah, I cannot come meet you
at the point tonight.

Yes, I am working
late tonight again.

It's just me and my boss.

We're just eatin' out
of Styrofoam.

It's a fake phone call,
isn't it?

You're not talking to anyone.

You're trying
to get a point across

by making a fake phone call.
Okay, I get it.

Go have fun with Sophie,
if she even is a real person.

[Upbeat acoustic music]

♪

Hey, you know
what might be fun?

[Laughter]

Carrie!

Hey!
I've made it!

There you are.

I've been lookin'
all over for you.

[Laughs]
What are you doing here?

Ah, you forgot your hat,
and I thought I'd be amazing

and bring it down to you.

Here you go.
I'm amazing.

This is not my hat.

Yeah, I know.

And the Kings won
the Stanley Cup, so put that on.

[Ladies giggle]

There you go-o-o!

Looks great.
So...

- Hi, I'm Sophie.
- Hi.

- This is Reina.
- Hi, I'm Ryan, Carrie's boss.

I recognized you
from your Billboard.

Oh, well, don't be intimidated,

uh, by us Billboard people.

We're just like you.

In fact, I was just riding over
with the Burger King.

He's a funny guy.
[Laughter]

[Forced laughing]

- Ryan, hi.
- Hey, Jack.

No waiting for you.

- How many in your party?
- Well, I don't know.

Is it a party of one,
or a party of four?

- Four.
- Definitely four.

- Right this way.
- Okay, ladies, after you.

Drinks are on me.
All right?

Except for you though 'cause
we're gonna have to work late.

- [Exhales]
- I'm serious.

George!
We're here.

Ryan, hello.

Hey, cuz, how's it hangin'?

Steven, my brother.

What up, blood?
Love your crib.

Come in.
Sit down.

What?

Does George think you're black?

I think so.

I didn't say anything, but I can
see how he'd get there.

I have an innate
street credibility.

No one with sight
has ever thought so.

So, George, you wanted
to, uh, show us something?

Brace yourself.

It's a real piece
of sports history.

I even made
a special case for it.

Take a look.

Ah, it's not every day
you see something like this.

What do you, uh... what do you
call a thing like that?

- It's a basketball.
- No, yeah, no, yeah, I know.

Uh, no, no, I mean,
what do you call it?

Because I'll call it
"the Rock," "the Pumpkin,"

"the Round Dribbly"...

I was nervous
about displaying it

because of its value.

Can you read the name on it?

Steven, why don't you read it?

You know how George loves
the sound of your voice.

Dig that, Ryan.

Um, the thing is
I don't have my specs.

It's Wilt Chamberlain's
signature

on a ball
from his 100-point game.

Oh, that is so awful,

because I'm a big fan
of defense.

That game was one of the great
experiences of my life.

Hand me that ball.

I haven't touched it
in a long time.

Sure! Just let me,
uh, get it out of the case here.

Boy, that is really in there.

Is it hermetically sealed?

Homey, we need to talk.

I got a cat like you said.

God!
Good, Sonia, good.

Yeah, fuzzy Jason's amazing.

Thanks again.
You really made my life better.

Oh... hey, would you
do me a favor

and say that
in front of Lauren?

I think she's beginning
to question my awesomeness.

The only problem is
now fuzzy Jason's home alone

while I'm at work, and I worry.

Mo' money, mo' problems, right?

Not really.

It just makes me feel like...

Don't feel, Sonia.

That's where we get
bogged down.

You and I, we're doers.
What do you wanna do?

I wanna get fuzzy Jason
a friend.

I wanna get a second cat,
damn it.

You know, I wasn't looking
for a protege, Sonia,

but I guess
when the teacher's ready,

the student appears.

- Cats!
- Right.

So what's up with
the George museum over here?

From now on, anything I own

that's worth anything,
I keep with me

so no one will steal it.

Ryan told me what happened to
your basketball, George.

I'm so sorry.

How you holdin' up, buddy?

How do you think?

I had something I love
cruelly and suddenly taken away.

You wouldn't understand.

Well, I did lose
the love of my life.

I'm talking
about something you can bounce.

Ah.

[Whispering] Poor George.

I don't know how to help him.

[Jazz music playing]

♪

Uh, can we turn this off?

Jazz makes me nervous.

It's too sexual.

This is John Coltrane.

It comforts me,
and we gonna listen to it.

[Exhales]

Whoever this is,
it better be a woman.

Hey, Carrie!
[Chuckles]

I just got a, uh, text
from Sonia.

- From your group?
- Yeah.

You know how I like
to take people under my wing,

better them?

She's kind of my project
this week.

She just adopted a cat,
so cute.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Let me ask you:
Is this the same cat?

Uh, I'm countin' three cats.

No, four.

No, the first one had spots.
That's five.

That's curious.

Eh, whatever makes her happy.

So, what is on tap
for us tonight?

Oh, Ryan.

Gah!

You know, it never occurred
to me that you would

wanna do something,
and I made these plans,

and it's at this place
that you would hate...

[Chuckles]

And, uh, it's set in stone,
so...

Sounds like it'd be hard
to cancel.

What is it?

So all they do here
is blow-dry hair? [Phone beeps]

I love it.
[Phone beeps]

Whoa, miss popular,
gettin' a lot of texts there.

Are they from a boy?

Has to be, 'cause all of
Carrie's angels are right here.

Is it somebody from the office?

Is it Eric from sound editing?

Sophie, does Carrie ever talk
to you about boys at all?

She talks about an Eric.

She does?
I was just fishing!

I knew it!

♪ Carrie and Eric,
Carrie and e... ♪

Okay...
This has gotta stop.

Look, I know that you are going
through a lot,

but I gotta have my own life.

I'm your assistant.
I'm... I can't be more.

I need more.

No, that's where you say,

"I'm sorry for asking
so much of you."

Hey, I lost the person
that cared about me

more than anyone else
in the world,

and now I don't wanna go home

because everything reminds me
of her.

Please?

A lot of people care about you.

Yeah, but not like you.

Come on, you were always
the vice Janie,

and now you gotta step it up,

because the current
vice-vice Janie

owns up to five different cats.

[Chuckles]

All right, okay, fine.

Can there just, at least,
be some guidelines?

Sure.

- You go first.
- Great.

Uh, how about stop throwing
soccer balls at my head?

Done.

I'm gonna take the next three.

If I'm watching The daily show,
Can I call you

and repeat funny things
that Jon Stewart has just said?

Yes.

If I get invited to a wedding,

and the dress is Havana casual,
can you tell me what that means?

Yes, I can tell you
that you're supposed to wear

a linen suit, and also,
don't go to that wedding,

'cause it sounds stupid.

Perfect.

This next one may be
pushing it a little bit.

I wanna know that someone is
thinking about me,

even if I'm not around.

I can do that.

Of course,
you're gonna have to agree

to sometimes not be around.

I can do that.

I'll start right now.

Good night, one of the Bee-Gees.

Good night,
St. Elmo's fire Rob Lowe.

Hey, Rye-bread!

We're havin' fun with my name.

That's good.
[Cat meows]

Here's a question.

What are you doing here?

Oh, you need to watch the cats
for a few hours.

Lauren's gonna stop by my house
to check on me,

and she gets all judge-y
because she thinks I use cats

to avoid human relationships,
and you're so awesome,

and you get it.

I thought I did.

Weren't you supposed to just get
one more cat?

You know how it is.

You get two,
and then you think,

"it'd be nice to have a third,"

but then you don't want one
to be the "middle" cat.

Then you're like,
"I've got four,

I'm so close to five."

Then you decide
you wanna have a six-pack!

Then you say,
"maybe it's too much,"

and then you say, "action!"

Thanks!
Bye, Ry-Clef Jean...

From the Fugees!

You're coming back,
though, right?

Protege?

[Cat meows]

She's coming back,
though, right?

[Cats meowing]

[Doorbell rings]

[Cat yells]

Hey.
Did you, by any chance,

tell Sonia it was a good idea
for her to start getting cats?

She seemed ready, so...

Ah! You got it all
figured out, don't you, King?

I don't feel
like I had all the information.

Here you go, smart guy.

[Cat meows] There are more?

I thought she gave me
all the cats.

Why is she spreading around
the cats?

Because she doesn't want you
to realize she's crazy.

Even six cats is crazy.
This doesn't make any sense.

Yeah, because she's crazy.

[Doorbell rings]

Dude.

[Doorbell rings]
They keep rubbing against me.

It's too sexual.

[Doorbell rings]
These guys are firecrackers.

[Doorbell rings] No mas gatos!

[Doorbell rings]

Where are the cats?

What cats?

So, as you can see, Lauren,
there are no cats here,

and I'm totally fine.

[Phone vibrates]

Oops, so sorry.

- Do you mind if I get this?
- Take your time.

I'll refill our saucers...
Glasses.

Glasses.

- Hello?
- Hey, Lauren.

It's Ryan from...
From your group.

Listen, you're gonna find this
to be very funny,

but I have a small problem.

You're surrounded by cats,
aren't you?

Right now,
they're pretty disorganized,

but if they ever get
their act together,

I think the power
will shift quickly.

I'm beginning to think
Sonia's problem

- was not her boyfriend.
- Yeah.

She wants a long-term,
meaningful connection,

but she's afraid
of abandonment,

so cats are a crutch
and a compulsion.

- They're not a cure.
- Yeah, listen.

While you said all that,
two cats went into the corner

and I'm fairly certain,
just made another cat.

I'll make you a deal.

I'll take care of Sonia,

and you take care of the cats.

Deal.

Cats!
Cats!

Ow, ow, ow.
God! Ow!

Stop it!
Oww!

[Cat shrieks]

Friend for life!

Cats... ow.

Ow, ow, ow, ow,
you minion of the Antichrist.

So the house is empty now,

but I have 50 pounds
of fresh Kitty Litter

if anyone knows
someone who wants it.

Does anyone have any thoughts?

Well, I have something
I would like to share.

Ryan found homes
for all of the cats

except for one.

- Aww.
- So I thought it might be nice

for us to have a group cat.

You know, we could all
take turns taking care of it,

and it'll be a bond
that'll connect us

for a really long time.

Thank you, Lauren.

You're so wonderful.

Aww.

Hey. Hi.

I just wanted to apologize.

Turns out you are really good
at your thing,

and I am so not.

Yeah, um, don't ever
"game show buzz" me again.

- What do you...
- [lmitates buzzer]

- Oh, I do... I did do that.
- You did.

- Didn't I?
- Yeah.

Yeah, listen,
I am never gonna try to help

- anyone ever again.
- No, look.

Everyone in the group
has their own unique gift.

Just bring what you bring,

and trust that you can help
in your own way.

Are we on the floor?

Yep, best seats
in the house, George.

I called in a few favors.
Here we go.

Uh, $2,000 seats
for a blind man.

You are weird, Ryan King.

White guys.
Am I right?

They're all "this is
a good value proposition.

"I think I'll
make this purchase,

and then I'll vote
for Mitt Romney."

[Chuckles]

All right, enjoy the game.

Here you go, George.

Now, I want you
to experience this game

exactly the way you used to,
so, tonight,

I'm gonna be your eyes.

It's amazing.

Sounds just the way
I remember it.

Tastes like it too.
Mmm.

[Laughs]

[Phone beeps]

[Zombie Nation's
Kernkraft 4 playing]

Okay, here we go.

Kobe's got the ball.
He takes it down.

He's looking.
Pau Gasol's open...

Left-handed hook...

Nothin' but net!
Yeah!

All right, George, we're deep
into the second quarter.

- Lakers are up 40 to 38.
- Shut up.

I'm... I'm sorry?

You talk too much.

Listen to the crowd,

sound of the ball,

sneakers squeaking
on the floor.

[Thud]
Ah, ball just hit the rim.

Yeah, they rebounded it.

Oh, man!
Sounds like a foul.

- It was.
- [Chuckles]

I can hear this game
better than you can see it.

Just close your eyes
and listen.

Heh, it's beautiful.

Yeah.

[Net swishes, crowd cheers]

♪

- Oh?
- Nice catch George.

- You still got'em.
- Take this and run.

I'm not giving it back.

Oh, they don't let you
to keep the ball.

Run!

Running in that way!