01x06 - Big League Chew

[bunniefuu]

♪ I may never see a night light this ♪

'Scuse me, are you Lauren Bennett?

My God, you are.

You are my favorite loss group
facilitator of all time.

I saw you do a trust fall
at the Meadowlands in '88,

and you blew my mind, you blew my mind.

Wow, this is the first time
we're bumping into each other

outside of group, that's...
Fun.

It is fun and informative.

I have a window into your
closely guarded private life.

Man, it's Friday night.

I've had two margaritas.

I'm not really prepared
for all your Ryan-ness.

So what's the context?
Sexy dress.

Another glass of wine.

Is it a boy?
Is it a girl? It's a boy.

Hey.

Wyatt, this is Ryan.

Hey.

I know Ryan from... how would
you like me to characterize it?

I'm one of her crazies.

Straight sh**t.
That's great.

Yeah. It wears thin.

So, Wyatt, what's your deal?

You know what?
It's none of my business.

The nature of your relationship
is not my purview.

Be he your boyfriend,
the executor of your will...

Is he your boyfriend?

Or maybe I'm just like,
a super aggressive busboy.

He's got game.
I like him.

Okay, please don't be on his...
You know what?

This whole thing is making me
feel just a little...

So we're gonna move.

No, no, no.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I can control myself, I promise.
I won't make it weird.

Okay.

Look, it's Lauren, and she's with a guy!

- Lauren!
- Hi!

Hi.

This is the third time
I've been to a restaurant.

They might make it weird.

This is so exciting.

What are the odds
that we have our monthly outing,

- and you're here?
- So slim.

What is that drink, Lauren?
It looks so stylish.

I'm totally having what you're having.

It's a margarita.

Those have alcohol.

What's his name?

Guys, I'm Wyatt.
It's nice to meet you.

- I like your teeth.
- Thank you.

- Can I have one?
- You don't have to answer him.

What's their relationship?

Well, obviously, she's here on a date.

Am I the only normal one here?

Never thought about you as a woman.

Now you've been sexualized.

I can't stop picturing you
in sexual scenarios.

Please stop.
Please find a way to stop.

No, now I'm picturing her
in sexual scenarios too.

What are you picturing?

She's in a flowy, white harem dress,

and there's pillows everywhere.

That's good. I'm totally
putting pillows in mine.

Okay, we're gonna go
to another restaurant.

- No.
- Okay, wait.

But before we go, let me guess.

Cat lady, Sonia.
Happy guy, Danny.

Ryan, Fausta, Mr. L,

Owen, and Yolanda.

You talked to him about us?

Told him our personal stuff?

You think I'm [Bleep] Yolanda?

What do you think Wyatt is
on a scale from 1 to 10?

About two more than you.

There's no such thing as a 12.
It's a scale from 1 to 10.

Hey!
You forgot your purse!

Thanks, Hector.
And thanks for the ride.

So if you want to pick me up...
You know what? I'll just walk.

I think that's Danny's wife's boyfriend.

Cheating wife's the worst.

Dead wife's not great.

No, it's not.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey.

Great day,

Is it? Is it really?

- You talking about Hector?
- Yeah.

He's cool.

He's been driving me around
since he totaled my truck.

Why was he driving your truck?

His car is very important to him.

He didn't want to drive in that
bad neighborhood to buy nitrous.

You know, I haven't figured out Danny yet,

but I'm gonna get
to the bottom of that guy.

Let me save you some time.
He's a blockhead.

Guess who's at the snack table again.

He ate four entrees last night.

Where is the last cruller?

Here it is.

What is this?
I don't like this.

Dude, you're grief eating.
We've all been through it.

After loss, you fill the void with food.

For me, it was lettuce
with French dressing.

So boring.

For me it was cheese...

Slices, wedges, cubes, logs...

Like playing a game of grief tetris

that no shape of cheese could fill.

Ryan, your eating

has a compulsive quality that's troubling,

and it could open a gateway
to other obsessive behavior.

He's being normal.
That's a wake-up call.

I am not grief eating.

- Yes.
- Really?

Did I hear, "grief eating"?

What are you seeking refuge in, Ryan?

Muffins, meat?

Wait, snickers bars?

Chocolate? Peanuts?
Sticky, crunchy, salty...

Sweet, it's hefty.

Each bite matters.

And it tastes like love.

What the hell's the matter
with you right now?

Nothing.

I'm trying to help
by sharing a grief experience.

Who wants to join in?

Should we tell you, or should
we just call Wyatt directly?

You're not still mad that
I told Wyatt about you, are you?

Yes, it's a violation.

And then you reduce us to
these one-dimensional weirdos.

I mean, cat lady?

I have facets. I sing jazz.
I've been to Canada.

Did you tell him about
my attraction to elderly feet?

You didn't tell us that.

Seems like you're avoiding the question,

I gotta say, I totally agree with them.

I am so sorry.

What can I do to make this better?

Well, you could start...

Don't say get a pizza.

This is not about food.

Our stuff is out there.
Your stuff is not.

There's an imbalance we should talk about.

Are we allowed to order pizza in here?

- No.
- Ryan's right.

I would like some dirt
of the Lauren variety.

We want to talk to Wyatt.

That's good!

Bring us the handsome one.

That's fair.

Terrifying, but fair.
Okay, yeah.

I'm gonna bring Wyatt
to next week's session,

but you guys have to promise me
that you are not gonna be weird.

Come here.

- Yeah, we're gonna be weird.
- Yeah.

- Yeah, so...
- Yeah.

- Thanks for the ride, Ryan.
- Sure.

Okay, time to go home.

Hector will probably be in a mood.

That's challenging.

Danny, I gotta ask, what's your deal, man?

You seem happy all the time,

yet objectively, your life...

- Sucks?
- Yeah.

How do you cope?

When I was in the service,

I had a lot of time alone
with my thoughts.

w*r is scary.
I'm not a hero, Ryan.

So I made up a place I could go

where everything is happy
and peaceful and safe.

It's a place where no one
locks their doors at night.

Ladies dress up to go
to the five-and-dime.

Any problems I have melt away
when I walk down main street,

hear that brass band
playing in the gazebo.

I call it Harborville.

Okay, let me just make sure
I've got this straight,

and I really hope I don't.

You have an entire
old-timey town in your brain.

Population 700.
And I know 'em all.

- Is there a doctor?
- Ed Abernathy.

- Schoolteacher?
- The old widow preedle.

Mayor?

His honor
Eustachius Q. Weatherwax.

Okay, this has become a little bit

more overwhelming than I had anticipated.

I know how it sounds, but it works.

Some people build birdhouses.
I have Harborville.

Hey.

You're outta beer, Danny.

Hey, Ryan King.
Big fan.

Thanks for listening.

Why are all my fans gross?

Danny?

Dan. Dan.

You're there right now, aren't you?

Salary cap or no salary cap,
bottom line is...

Basketball players
make too much money anyway.

Let's take some calls.

Ted in Monrovia.

I'm Ted in Monrovia.
Is that what you said?

Yeah.
You're on the air.

I'm sorry, I can't understand you.

What is going on here?

Let's take a break and see

if we can't clean up
these technical difficulties.

Carrie, what's the problem?

The problem is that you're eating.

You sound like cookie monster.

Me not think that accurate.

That was a pretty funny
cookie monster impression.

Listen, if we're having
sound problems, don't blame me.

Blame that new technician.
Lorenzo was way, way better.

What ever happened to Lorenzo?

Is it possible you ate him?

What happened to the snack table?

We replaced it with what you really need.

A hug table.

Feast.
Feast on support.

I respect Lauren, so I put up
with the touchy-feely thing,

but I'm not looking for amateur
weirdness from the B-team.

Dude, we heard your show.
All 12,000 calories of it.

- Nope.
- Hey, that was my brownie.

Shut up, junkie.
You're out of control.

Next time, instead
of reaching for that brownie

or that ice cream sundae,
try a delicious cup of water.

That's a good idea, Dan.

Instead of going to Disneyland,

maybe I'll just throw myself
down a flight of stairs.

- What'd you have for lunch?
- A sandwich.

You help yourself to desserts?

Yes. Carrot cake,
which is practically a salad.

You're in denial, Ryan.

I am not in denial.

I may be enjoying my meals
a little bit more lately.

If you want to put a label
on it, call me a foodie.

Short trip from foodie to fattie.

All right, I got it.

You guys have problems with food,

so I have to have problems with food.

Misery loves company.

Well, I would like to RSVP "no"
to this pity party.

Everybody goes through this.

Ryan King is not everybody.

So starting now, I am going
on a subsistence diet.

Not because you guilted me into it,

but because it's the right thing to do.

And...

- Hello?
- Assistant,

I would like you to drop
everything you're doing

and get me a bicycle.

Including all the crotch-grabby
clothes that go with it.

Is this something
you actually want me to do,

or are you just making a point
in front of people?

Both. Good talk.

Sorry, you had your tragedy,
you went through a phase,

you porked up, but not me.

I am in complete control.
I got this.

All right, everybody.
Wyatt's outside.

Now, I promised you this
audience with some trepidation.

I love you all.

Please just try and keep it together.

It's gonna be what it's gonna be.

I know.

Hey, guys.

All: Hi.
- Hello.

Lauren told me you wanted me
to give you dirt on her,

and she asked me, and I came,

but I'm just not really
feeling right about it.

I mean, it feels coarse.

I'm just screwing with ya.

She's gay for Salma Hayek,

and she did child beauty pageants.

Let's do this!

All right, we've got examples
from most of the key categories.

Family stuff, body stuff...

The junior high section
could use a little rounding out.

- Left breast came in first.
- Dear God.

That is great.
He is great.

All right, anybody else
have any questions?

Musical taste is terrible.

The virginity story...
Very strong.

The puke story is good.

- I enjoyed that.
- Yeah.

Well, thank you, sir, for your time.

If we need anything further,
we'll be in touch.

Let's hear it for Wyatt.

You guys are great.

I hope my life goes to hell, so
I can sign up and do this more.

- Bye, Wyatt.
- I love you so much.

- Bye.
- Nice to meet you.

- Bye.
- Adios.

- Sweet.
- Okay.

Are you satisfied?

Did you all learn enough
about me and my butt?

Which apparently merits its own section.

Hey, I don't make the headlines,

I just follow the data.

I have a question about him.

Do you not like him?

No, I love him.

Do you?

What?

Of course I love him.

I kind of have the same question.

Hidden among the far juicier tidbits

was the somewhat alarming fact

that you guys have been a couple
for three years,

and the subject of marriage
has never come up?

- Exactly.
- Yeah.

And you've never pushed it?
I mean...

Well, that's totally normal.

Sure it's normal.

You're like, 21, right?

And a guy.

Of course I love him.

Not as much as you love that snickers bar.

- What?
All:

That's very true.

You had a look in your eye

when you talked about
that snickers bar... passion.

Not seeing it now.

That's...

That's the best candy!

You know what? I'm not loving
this role reversal here.

I am the group leader, okay?

I don't need your help with my problems,

which don't exist.

It's okay. You can be
the crazy one for once.

Can Wyatt come back?

Yeah.

Wyatt!

All:
Wyatt, Wyatt, Wyatt...

Wyatt...

Wyatt!

Poor Lauren,

Being with someone she doesn't love.

Sure glad I don't have problems like that.

What do you think your life is, Danny?

You live with your wife who just
had a baby with another man.

Stuff happens.
People make mistakes.

Yes, but the proper response to a mistake

usually isn't a quick visit to Fakeytown.

- Harborville.
- Whatever.

Do you want to be like Lauren,
or do you want to be like Ryan?

I had a little problem
with eating too much,

I didn't hide from it,
I gave up junk food cold turkey.

And now, I'm about to go

on a bike ride that is so intense,

it should come
with its own doping scandal.

Give it up, Danny.

Give up loserburg.

- Harborville.
- Whatever.

Need a ride, Danny?

You okay?

I have to say good-bye
to 700 friends.

So unless you can play horseshoes

or know how to bake a huckleberry pie,

there's nothing you can do for me.

♪ shut your mouth
'cause you're talking too much ♪

♪ and I don't give a damn anyway ♪

♪ you always seem to be stepping in ♪

♪ and all you really do is complain ♪

♪ here's your lie, tell it all you like ♪

♪ let yourself go, let yourself go ♪

♪ let yourself go

Hey, snowball guy.

You looking for the pink ones?

We got pink ones, snowball guy.

Let's not have
our relationship be out loud.

Will that be all?

- Get me a pack of tums.
- Okay.

These are for you, grief eater.

Thank you.

All right, yes, I grief eating.

I get sad, and food makes that go away.

But it always comes back, doesn't it?

It starts off so innocently.

An extra slice of this,
a side of that, and...

And the next thing you know,
the Chinese food people

are giving you seven sets of utensils.

Well, I guess you're not
better than us, Ryan.

Good news is you're not alone.

What do I do, though?
I can't stop.

Maybe you're not ready to stop just yet.

You bike home, I'll call everyone.

We'll be over to see you later tonight.

Wow. What is this?

Apparently bike riders wear this.

- Well, I'm glad I can't see it.
- Yeah, me too.

- Good night.
- Good night.

- I love you.
- I...

What was that?

No, you da man.

You da man too.

Yeah.

Come on in.

And then tell me why you're all
suddenly in my home.

We're gonna help you get better.

We're gonna eat with you.

I brought nine kinds of cheese.

French dressing.

I got my genuine pop-tarts,
not those knockoffs.

I got an off-brand pacemaker,
but these babies are top-shelf.

Ryan, this is Kit Kat lasagna.

It was invented by an uncle of mine

whose wife was not yet substantial enough.

She got there.

Where's your waffle iron?

I don't have a waffle iron.

Then we're drinkin' batter, homes.

I brought cake.

"Happy Birthday, Timmy."
Who's Timmy?

Some crybaby.

Okay, how is this gonna help me?

Just dig in.
All will be revealed.

Let the healing begin.

- Great.
- Pass the cheese.

Okay.

I think I've reached my limit.

No, you haven't.

No...

- What is this?
- It's calorie aversion therapy.

Cat!

The night before I stopped smoking,

I made myself smoke
four packs of cigarettes.

Lost the taste for it.

You're gonna do the same with junk food.

That sounds awful.

Yeah.
It's about to get dark.

This is for your own good.

- Down in one.
- I'm full. I can't.

Don't make us get a funnel.

Thank God. I think they're
trying to k*ll me in there.

What's that?

Love.
Pictures of Wyatt and I in love.

I know you guys are in the
middle of gorging yourselves,

but this is a love that must be witnessed,

a love so grand, it makes Romeo and Juliet

look like that eyeglass p*rn
that Owen likes.

I just asked,
"did you know it was a thing?"

I'm not into it.

Sunset. Beach.
Mexico. Love.

Us picking out pumpkins.
Love.

Love.

A bottle in the moonlight
I thought might be arty

but just looks weird.

Love.

Fine! You love him.
We get it.

Sorry. I never have sugar.

I do love him, okay?
End of story.

Love story.

Okay.
We way overstepped.

Okay, guys, let's roll ourselves
back inside.

So you love him.

And you're sure, and that's good.

Yes. Yep. Maybe.
I don't know.

How do you know?

Well, with Janie,
I knew on our third date.

We went to the batting cages.

She put on this helmet
that was way too big for her.

And she stood in the cage,

and she took 40 pitches in a row,

and she said all of them
were out of the strike zone,

and she wouldn't swing on principle.

And I thought,
"this is the cutest, craziest,

most stubborn person I've ever met,"

and all of a sudden, I needed her.

That must be a really hard
story for you to tell.

No, it's my favorite story to tell.

If you don't know...

You know.

You know?

Yeah.

I got a lot of stuff to figure out.

I'm gonna hug ya.

Man.

- Hey, what's that?
- It's...

A giant-size snickers bar.

Listen, would you mind terribly

if I threw up on you?

On your right.
'Scuse me. 'Scuse me.

Hey, Danny, I missed you

last night at the last time
I'll ever eat ever.

I was stuck changing dirty diapers

while Hector took my wife out
for our anniversary.

But don't worry,
I'm fully aware that that,

like the rest of my life, is terrible.

Hey, man, listen,
I should've kept my mouth shut

about Harborville.

I was kidding myself too.
Who am I to judge?

You want to go to Harborville,
go to Harborville.

Harborville is a pathetic delusion.

Well, there's nothing pathetic

about the Harborville county fair.

I'll bet there's a pumpkin there so big

that little daisy Mae Caldecott
could take a bath in it.

- Are you making fun of me?
- I am not.

It sounds great.

I'd love to hear more about it.

Could tell you more.
On one condition.

On our way to the old fishing hole,

before stopping for malteds
at Feeney's drug store,

I was wondering if you could help me

sledgehammer Hector's car.

Danny boy, it'd be an honor.

All great athletes are masters of denial.

Ali thought he had
another championship in him.

Ernie banks showed up
every spring thinking,

"this is the year."

If you're on the Cubs,
it's never the year.

And perhaps the greatest of them all,

good old Charlie Brown.

Lucy never let him kick that ball.

"Good grief," indeed,
Mr. Brown.

And while we all want to live
in reality most of the time,

Ali did win another championship.

I'm glad we live in a world
where Cubs fans keep hoping,

and that weird bald kid
keeps trying to kick that ball.

That was fun.

Maybe tomorrow
I'll punch Hector in the face.

Well, let's take this one step at a time.

- Hey, guys.
- Hi.

Hey.

Great.
Thank you.

Hey, over there.

Big one.

Hi.

Very nice to meet you.

Ryan, you should be commended

for taking control of your grief eating.

You identified the problem,

took hold of the reins,
and swiftly got back on track.

Would you like to share with the group

how you're maintaining your good habits?

Ryan?

Ryan?

Ryan.

Thank you, widow preedle.
Keep 'em coming.

All:
♪ and the band played on

♪ he'd glide 'cross the floor
with the girl he adored ♪

♪ and the band played on