01x08 - Videogame, Set, Match

[bunniefuu]

A player I don't care about,

on a team
I really don't care about

dropped a ball last night,
and I couldn't sleep.

It's easy to care
about things that matter.

w*r, hunger,
pestilence...

Is that a thing?
Pestilence?

Pestilence.
Pestilence.

I see it as a triumph
of the human spirit

to be able to care so completely
about something frivolous.

- I found her!
- Found who?

After
a nationwide search,

we have finally found
our K-bal girl.

You had a vision.

Of a beautiful,
perfect lady

who would go to promotional
events and hand out foam fingers

and sh**t
a T-shirt Cannon.

And now the dream
is a reality.

This is how JFK
would have felt had he lived

to see a man
walk on the moon.

I'm sorry,
we're celebrating

the arrival of fake boobs
on a stick?

- Carrie.
- Agh.

Attacking
the surgically-enhanced

is the last refuge
of the bigot.

I shudder to think

who you would have
picked on 50 years ago.

You don't get it,
Carrie.

It's not about
what's happening here.

It's about
what's happening here

and here
and here.

She's a beacon of happiness
in a dark, dark world.

It's like
the statue of liberty,

if she had stripped
for a semester

and then dropped out
of community college.

Steven's right
over there.

Here she comes.
Ryan, ready the T-shirt Cannon.

Hey.

World,
meet Kimmie.

Hi.

Steven, I am so grateful

for this opportunity.

Carrie, I have heard
such great things about you.

I know that
we're gonna be friends.

I'm in.

Ryan, I'm so nervous
meeting you.

You're even more attractive
than your voice.

Carrie, could you
take this out of my hands

for... ever?

Go On
S01 Ep08 - Videogame, Set, Match

All those times
my cat Cinderella

wanted to bat a ball of yarn
around with me,

but I was too busy.

Then one day
I have the time,

she's moved on.

It's my real-life
Cat's in the cradle.

♪ My cat
was just like me ♪

You know, there's a very deep
connection between that and...

Ryan, what are
your thoughts on this?

I honor it, Lauren.

♪ Oh, when you
coming home... owner... ♪

♪ I don't know when

♪ but we'll get
together then ♪

it's gonna be hard

to pretend I know
what this is about.

I'm sorry, I...

It's cheat codes
for a game.

I got sucked
into a first-person sh**t,

and now I'm obsessed.

It's not Halo,
is it?

It is Halo,
is it.

You know, I've never been
much of a gamer,

but this has
really turned me.

You know, the minute
you start playing,

the whole world
disappears.

Hours go by, not thinking
or feeling anything.

Have you gotten
to the plasma grenades?

- Yeah...
- Okay, is this a meeting

of the Teenage Virgins
Society?

Because I would like
to talk about something real.

- Classic mud wasp.
- Totally.

Now, speaking
of getting real,

I have a very exciting
announcement to make.

Now, we all know
when people join us

to work
through their issues,

they're only here
for a limited time.

That's why this group
is called transitions.

So it's not
because another group

b*at you to the name
Stone Cold Bummer Society?

Yeah.

Next week,
we are going to have

a very special ceremony
because one of our members

told me she's ready
to graduate.

Who's ready
to graduate?

I know
it's not her.

Is medicine.

So I no make baby.

She's not ready
to graduate.

It's me!

As you know,
I joined this group

because the man I loved
left me on our wedding day.

Never caught that.

Maybe I'm very
self-centered.

Well, he just
got married,

and I thought
I would be devastated,

but as I watched the ceremony
from the janitor's closet

where I'd hidden all night,
I realized I'm over him.

I'm healthy.

Yeah, you know,
I can see it in your eyes.

The crazy's gone.

I kind of miss it.

There it is.

For my graduation,

Danny, you're in charge
of toasts.

Anne, drinks.

Sonia, cake.

Mr. K, the slide show.

And Ryan, parking.

There's always
plenty of parking outside.

Yeah, no one expects much
from you.

So you wanna play
at my place?

I got
a pretty sweet setup.

Dude, I got
a 72-inch screen.

Wait, you're spoiled?
I'm spoiled.

This is
gonna be great.

- See you tonight.
- Okay.

Ryan.

I think
it's really great

the way that you're taking Owen
under your wing.

I think in a lot of ways,
he's just looking

for a Big Brother figure.

You know, somebody
to talk about life

and...
Hormones.

- What?
- You know...

Shucking the corn,

b*ating the baby,
whatever you guys call it.

What guys have you been
hanging out with?

Nothing... none of what you
just said was anything.

Look, it's not
gonna go deep.

Owen's the only guy who likes
to talk less than I do.

It's fantastic.

Excuse me, Ryan.

Nothing personal,
but I'd feel better

if Fausta
handled the parking.

Yeah.
That happen?

Yeah, it did.

Dude.
Your aim sucks.

If we were really
in the 26th Century

fighting for our lives,
I would abandon your ass.

Let's talk
about centuries.

How was the 19th Century,
grandpa?

That's some serious smack.
You can hang.

Owen?

Who is this?

Hi,
I'm Ryan King.

From Owen's group.

You must be
Owen's mom.

I'm... I'm sorry,
did we... did we wake you?

It's 6:00 A.M.

The sun woke me.

But... have you
been here all night?

Yes, technically.

But this...
We lost track of time.

It's nothing weird
or anything.

Are you not a grown man
who's a stranger to me?

I am.
But in fairness,

I did offer up
a sleepover at my house.

Okay, Owen,
thanks for everything.

And thank you
for your hospitality...

- Sit down.
- Do it.

- Okay.
- Look, Mr. King,

if you want
to play video games all night,

that's your business.

But, honey,
you are in a rut.

- Ma...
- No.

You don't go
to school anymore.

You don't have a job.

Your brother's been in a coma
for four months,

and you still
won't visit him.

You have gotta get out
of this house

because you're hitting
rock bottom.

Rock bottom?

I'm not a rock bottom.

I have
my own radio show.

I spoke
at a High School graduation

when the mayor of Pasadena
cancelled.

I spoke at it.

Let me show you
what I see at 6:00 A.M.

Yeah, dude, you gotta
turn your life around.

This is gonna be a fun place
for you to intern.

A lot of sports stars
in for interviews.

Hey, Ryan.

Is that Chris Bosh
waving at you?

Yes, but what
you have to understand is

to him,
I'm the star.

And he's kind of right.

- Ryan King.
- Hey.

This is my buddy, Owen.

Owen, Chris Bosh.

Owen,
how you doing, man?

Just go wait
in my office.

Yeah.

- Sorry.
- Anyway, man,

I need to get out of here
in 30 minutes or less.

Okay. Well,
I will see what I can do,

if you can block
this sh*t.

So...

Yeah, I'll get you out
in 30 minutes.

Hey, man, thanks
for getting me out of the house.

I mean, maybe this
will get my mom off my back.

All she wants to do
is talk about

what's going on
with our family.

Well, you've come
to the right place.

This is
a shallow zone.

Don't dive in
with any emotional issues,

you'll cr*ck your head.

So what do you want me to do?
Some filing, or...

Nah, seems too deep.

Okay.

Hi, do you want
a caramel apple?

Happy Halloween.

They're amazing.

Yolanda,

we are so proud
of your work in group

represented here
by three photos Mr. K provided,

two of your feet,

and one of a man
I have never seen.

I like to imagine
that he's thinking of Yolanda.

You are now ready
to move forward.

You are proof that the work
we do here makes a difference!

Speech!
Yeah, Yolanda!

Thank you, Lauren.

It's hard
to imagine leaving.

Some of the best moments
of my life

have been being sad
in here.

Thanks.

Give me a minute
while I light the candles.

- Way to go, yo-yo.
- Congratulations, Yolanda.

Let's do this.

You guys,
I don't think I can do this.

I'm not ready
to leave the group,

I need this.
I need Lauren.

What?

You see how excited she is
about having a graduate?

Come on,
she deserves this.

Maybe somebody else
should leave.

Who? No one else
is even close.

I think
I am getting worse.

Maybe she is
not very good.

What if I have
a problem?

- We'll still be here for you.
- Sure.

Yeah, we're not
just your group.

- We're your friends.
- That's right.

We can still hang out?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, of course.

I'm doing something
for Halloween.

Will you come?

Let's not
get overly specific.

Yolanda, are you ready
to take the last step?

- Yeah!
- You better believe it.

- She is!
- Totally ready.

You've been tempered
by the fires of your pain,

and now you rise from the ashes
like the Phoenix.

And as you
cross the threshold,

prepare to soar
to greater heights.

I'm so proud of you,
Yolanda.

Oh, God.

Now, cross
the threshold!

Okay, crossing.

Cross that threshold.

- Here we go.
- Just cross it.

Crossing...

- Okay, we're gonna cross it...
- Yep.

- And we're crossing it...
- Here we go.

See ya!

Bye.

At the top of hour two,
we got Pete Carroll.

Hey,
sorry.

Hey, this is a job, man.

You can't just waltz in here
whenever you feel like it.

You are, like,
three games of Halo late.

Is this
a new Suede jacket?

Steven, I think
somebody's trying.

This new Owen is pleasing
to the eye and to the touch,

but there's also...

An olfactory
component.

There's some kind
of a man scent?

Some kind
of a body spray?

You're trying
to impress a girl.

Who is it?

No one, man.

Who is she?

Surely you
didn't reinvent yourself

as the Suede kid
for us.

Young man, for whom have you
draped yourself

in these, the most sensuous
of all skins?

I'm not telling you
who it is.

All right, if the Suede kid
doesn't want to tell us

that he's in love
with Carrie...

Carrie.

Then we need
to respect that.

Totally.

I mean, the Suede kid

loves deeply and quietly.

And never in the rain.

You should
ask her out.

Yeah, because
if you don't, we will for you.

We're gonna Cyrano
this mess.

That's not
what Cyrano is.

Suede kid is an expert
on the Cyrano,

Okay, I'm out.

Owen, Owen.

You're a good-looking kid.

You are awesome.

Any girl would be lucky
to have you.

Fine.
I'll think about it.

Hey, Ryan,
I need you to sign these...

What?

Carrie, it's not
all about you.

Don't get all Cyrano
on us.

What?
It has to mean something.

Thanks for meeting me,
guys.

I was feeling
so unsettled today.

I almost went back
to the group.

Then I remembered how important
my graduating was to Lauren.

This is the fourth time
in four days you've gathered us.

Do you have
any other support system

you can lean on?
Friends?

Family?
Alcohol?

Not really.

Anyway, it's so nice
you guys are here for me.

Anne and Sonia
couldn't make it today.

Feels pointed.

So how's Lauren?

Has she picked
a new favorite yet?

I want her
to move on.

I mean, not too soon

'cause that would be
kind of weird.

I guess you would call it
separation anxiety?

I'm not sure.

So it's just Yolanda
and the boys today.

You know
what that means.

A masculine take
on my issues.

Well, Mr. K.

At least you're here.

Am I?

I didn't mean to be.

Hey,
have you guys seen Owen?

Ohl saw him
with some flowers,

and he was headed
towards Kimmie.

Kimmie.

He likes Kimmie.

Of course it's Kimmie,
why did we think it was Carrie?

What?

I mean, she's cute
as a button,

but nobody's putting on
body spray for Carrie.

It'd be silly.

You don't need to smell good
for Carrie.

I'm right here!

Here he is.

How'd it go, pal?

You gonna be
the new Mr. K-bal girl?

She thought
I was kidding.

She laughed.

It was a nightmare.

Yeah,
rub some dirt on it, man.

Let me know
when you wanna halo it up.

Well, that's it?

You're not gonna
go talk to him?

He doesn't want that
from me.

Who am I?

No
no.

No, no, no, no.

My beacon of happiness.

I just hurt
the coma kid.

No, he hurt you.

Okay?
Let's talk about you.

This is what happens
when you bring

your bummer people
in here.

Owen left the office
pretty upset,

and he won't return
any of my calls,

and part of me feels
somewhat responsible.

Because you
took a vulnerable boy,

you brought him
into an adult world,

and then you hazed him
like he was pledging

some kind
of idiot old man fraternity?

By inference,
it seems that you also

find me
somewhat responsible.

You know, this would be better
if you just yelled at me.

That's why
I'm not yelling.

For some reason,
Owen decided you matter.

He laughs with you.

You got a sick sense of humor
like Owen and his brother.

I don't get it,
I never found them funny,

and I certainly
don't find you funny.

You know, I know one person

who would beg to differ.

A Mr. Woody Allen.

It's...

Let's just keep going.

Anyway, I like
to see my boy laugh.

So when he's ready
to talk,

I suggest that you stop wasting
his time on video games

and start finding ways
to matter,

or else just get the hell
out of his life.

I was wrong, it was better
when you weren't yelling.

Well, it looks like
we have a smaller group today.

Has anybody called
Owen or Ryan?

I called them.

But like the rest of you,
they don't answer

their mother-damned
phones.

Okay, Yolanda,
I'm sensing some tension.

You people suck.

You said you were my friends,
but you all bailed.

And none of you called me back
about Halloween.

We were all gonna
get dressed up

as different characters
from Alice in Wonderland

for a costume contest
at my church.

In fairness to us,
that sounds awful.

Plus, my phone's been
acting up, so I mean...

You guys know.
I don't have a cell phone.

- No bueno.
- Solar flare.

Really?

Conference call,
b*tches.

Press 1 if you're a jerk.

Press 2 if you're a jerk
in Spanish.

That feel said
direct to me.

- Guys, this is starting to...
- Okay,

here's the truth.

You are a lot to take.

And, honey,
that's coming from me.

You just seem disconnected
from reality sometimes.

What I'm hearing is

people have
one kind of relationship

inside the group...

Don't pretend
to be good at this.

If these losers
hadn't pressured me

into graduating,
so you could have a victory,

no one would ever
leave this group.

What?

If I had known you weren't ready
to leave this group,

I would never have rung
the ceremonial graduation gong.

This group is B.S.,
just like your gong.

Hey, Yolanda.

Don't Yolanda me,
you're the worst of all!

It was my understanding

that she was
the healthy one.

Come on!

Hey, Owen.

Thought I might
find you here.

So?

So I think
we should talk.

That's not our thing.

Well, maybe our thing
is changing.

I think I owe you
an apology.

Look, it's okay.

You didn't know Kimmie
was gonna sh**t me down.

No, not for that.

Dude,
know your league.

She's even
out of my league,

and I can grow facial hair
and buy stuff.

- You just sh*t me.
- Yeah, I did.

Look.

Maybe with
what you're going through,

you need more
than video games.

Hey, don't get all wise,
okay?

I don't need
to be Big Brother-ed here.

Maybe you do.

Maybe I'm the guy
to do it.

Okay.

You wanna help me
through my hard time?

Let's see
what you got.

All I can do
is try.

But thanks
for letting me in.

Hey, I got you
a wedding present, losers.

I know
this is scary.

But the longer you stay away,
the harder it's gonna be

for you
to see your brother.

I know.

What's that?

It's his ring.

He gave it to me
before he went to college.

I was down, and he always had
a way of making me feel better.

He would tell a joke,

or sing that song Lean on me
and wouldn't stop

until I joined in.

He sounds like
a good Big Brother.

I don't think
I can do this.

You think you can go in,
put this on his finger,

and tell him
I'm thinking about him?

No problem.

Hey.

I know
you don't know me,

but I'm Owen's friend.

He's a really good kid,

and he's gonna come
see you really soon.

But until then, he...

He... he wanted you
to have this.

Mr. Shaw is napping,
but you can go in.

No, I don't know
Mr. Shaw.

I'm just messing
with my friend.

What is this?

My God,
you're awake.

Owen!

It's okay.
You were in a coma,

but my singing brought you
out of your coma.

Man, I had
a appendectomy.

No, no, no,
you...

You had
a skiing accident.

But you're fine now.

You put a ring
on my finger?

It's from Owen.

He loves you.

Who the hell
is Owen?

- What?
- What?

- What?
- Nurse!

No way.

Give me that.

You should have seen
your face.

"My magical bad singing
brought you out of a coma."

Well, given the facts,
it was a logical conclusion.

And excuse me
for believing in miracles.

Look, you're the one
who wanted

to play Big Brother,
okay?

You're the one who wanted
to give me what I'm missing.

Well, that,
back there?

Messing
with each other?

That's what we did.

That's what I miss.

That is sick.

That is sick.
I mean,

we are gonna look back
at this one day and laugh,

but that doesn't count
right now.

All right,
all right, fine.

I mean,
for what it's worth,

this wasn't a terrible idea.

I mean, I...
I know I gotta go see him.

Well...

Yeah,
when you're ready.

- Yeah, that's not our thing.
- Yeah, I know.

I was just checking.

Trick or treat!

Trick or treat!

What do you want?

We're here
to make things right.

I don't do this.
This is a big deal.

So react positively.

Yeah.

We're sorry.

We want you back.

It's not the same
without you.

You're my favorite too,
Lauren.

I love you,
and I love your gong.

And I'm back.

And I'm never
gonna get better.

Hi, guys.
I just came from work.

Sorry I didn't have time
to get a costume.

You have a job?

That's the thing
about sports.

We go in
for a diversion,

but we
can't keep it light.

If I could go back in history
and change one thing,

I'd like to think
I would prevent a w*r,

but the truth is,
I would probably

prevent the Dallas cowboys
from ever happening.

There's something
about people.

We don't want to care,
but we're wired to care.

We have to care.

I'll be
right out here.

Thanks.

Hey.

It's me.

I'm here.

And...
Halo done.

All right, I'm gonna grab
another beer.

Why don't you get a new game
out of the closet?

All right.

Dude, I broke something.

What did you do?

That's my wife's ashes.

My God,
Ryan, I'm...

I'm sor...
I didn't know,

I just opened the door,
and it fell, and I tried to...

- Those aren't her ashes.
- Nope.

You put ashes in a vase
just to get back at me.

You're sick.

You are sick,
do you know that?

Please don't tell
your mom.