01x09 - Dinner Takes All

[bunniefuu]

So, just a few minutes left,
does anyone else have anything?

Well, a college buddy
is coming into town

for a job interview,
gonna stay with me.

You must be
really excited to see him.

- Her.
- What?

That was way too loud,

and, yes,
it's a her.

No, no, no,
it's not like that.

Steven, Amy, and I did
a college radio show together.

We were friends,
and there was

one night where we kissed,
and there was some electricity.

Electric night,
like the song.

♪ Electric night
the moon is on fire ♪

♪ electric night,
filled with desire ♪

- That's not a song.
- No.

Are you sure?

Did I just make that up?

It's good.

So you spending Thanksgiving
with your new lover?

No, I have to work.

I'm doing a halftime show.

Am I the only one
who can't get electric night

out of their head?

One Thanksgiving question.

Whose house
are we going to?

Mr. K, we're not spending
Thanksgiving together.

If we were,
we would've assigned dishes

and selected a time
and discussed it once.

Maybe we should do it.

I was planning on going
to my really cool neighbors',

but they haven't invited me,
so I don't think I will.

I'm not gonna lie, I don't
love setting the precedent

that we spend
holidays together.

I mean,
we're not the Brady bunch.

Can we be?
I call Peter.

Sweetie,
why Peter?

Why not Greg?
That's just low self-esteem.

I call Cindy!

- What are you doing?
- I'm Jan.

I'm in the square
next to you, Alice.

No, don't.

This is the middle row.
That makes me Peter.

Greg, I'm Greg,
I'm Greg, I'm Greg.

- Yeah.
- I'm not doing this.

This is me not looking around
and enjoying my newfound family.

All right,
this is awesome.

Look at this place,
half-empty on a Tuesday night.

You know where these kids
probably are?

At home watching
stupid YouTube videos.

Back in the day
when we were here,

we were stupid in person.

- Nobody wanted it.
- And we gave it to them.

Remember that game
where we run around

and see how many
strangers' beers we could drink

before we got punched
in the face?

I believe you are talking
about "booze rodeo," my friend.

Amy was not on board.

Yeah, like she didn't do
embarrassing things,

like taking over the jukebox,
playing the same song

over and over and over?

What was that song?

It was...

Where are you?
It's not funny.

- Amy, hey!
- Hi!

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Hi.
- That song makes me crazy.

And it's going to for a while.
I put, like, 50 bucks in there.

You look amazing.

Well.

It's kinda weird
that you're not saying

I look amazing back.

Makes you seem jealous
and catty.

And we're back
with Ryan King.

Ryan, you started your career

with broadcasting superstar
Amy Quinn.

You both seemed destined
for greatness.

Then she became
a Peyton Manning,

and you, a Ryan Leaf.

Steven, Ryan Leaf
was a football player.

I know who he is.
I know sports.

No.
No, you don't.

But you do look great.

You... there's something wrong
with your hands.

There's no drinks in them.

- Bring us drinks!
- Drinks! Drinks!

Drinks! Drinks!
Drinks!

I think we're trying
to recapture something

that we never did.

I like it, though.
Let's make it a thing.

- Drinks!
- Drinks, drinks, drinks!

Drinks, drinks!
Does it have a hand thing?

I don't think so.

Drinks! Drinks! Drinks!

All right,
Steven's coming back.

Let's force him
to talk about sports,

and don't let him
off the hook.

Don't let him do that thing
where he trails off

and expects you
to finish his sentence for him.

- Okay.
- Hey.

Hey!

So, Steven,
what do you think

about the Steelers'
running back situation?

Obviously,
they have the young guy.

He was great in college.

Where'd he play?
It was the you of...

You say it.

Well, they played
that other big team.

It was...

No, not familiar yet.

So these two teams...
They played,

and they had that guy...

And that guy played
in a game

for the you of some state?

Okay,
you guys are mean,

and this is the reason I was
your only friend in college.

Next round's on me.

It is good to see her,
man.

I know.

No, no,
I mean, good.

Uhoh, it's sexy Steven.

I like her.
She's hot. She's funny.

I've always thought so.

Well, you should go for it,
man.

I don't know.

I always thought of you and her
as kind of a thing.

That wouldn't be weird
for you?

No, we're friends.

And even if I saw her that way,
which I don't,

it's way too early for me
to be doing anything,

so I'm gonna help you out.

Unbutton that button,
and show her your chest hairs.

They're both adorable.

What?

Did you guys see that?

All right, I'll get us
some drinks.

Great.

Hey, talk me up.

Mention that I taught you
how to kiss.

No, don't mention that.
It sounds weird.

It's also not true.

Well, not everybody
can have Steven's athleticism

and gentleness and knowledge
of what women want.

Okay, listen.

Just take the ball,
rest it like that.

Just think backspin.

There you go.

Yeah, I did it!

What?

Why are you looking
at me funny?

Look?
No.

I was just thinking
about airline food.

I mean, what's going on there?
Steven taught me how to kiss.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Hi.
So where do you want me?

W... w... want you?
To do what?

- To sleep?
- Yeah.

Well, you can have my room.
I'll sleep on the pullout bed.

- Can I help?
- No, no, no.

Think you broke it.

What makes you say that?

- You okay?
- Yeah.

If you're not okay,
I could sleep on the floor

of the driveway.

- No, I'm okay.
- Okay.

- Okay, good night.
- Good night.

Not even a real song.

Amy...
I'm nowhere...

I think I'm starting
to have feelings for her.

And Steven likes her too.

Should you
be telling me this?

- Hey!
- Work... we work in, in sports.

Great night last night,

I think she was really
into me.

Listen, Amy and I are gonna
spend Thanksgiving together.

Thought we'd day-trip it
to Santa Barbara, you know?

Walk on the beach,
drink wine.

- Sounds pretty good, right?
- I don't know.

If my boyfriend
did that stuff for me,

he'd be gettin' lucky.

Don't try to hang
with the boys, Carrie.

Makes you seem cheap.

Santa Barbara?
That sounds terrible.

Be yous, e to come
to my Thanksgiving.

You're working
Thanksgiving.

Which is
why I'm having it here.

Yeah.
It's gonna be huge.

I invited everybody.

Carrie's gonna cook
and host.

What?
No, I'm going home to Kentucky.

You don't have
to go to Kentucky.

Invite your parents here,
unless you think they'll come,

and then don't do that.

All right, Steven,
we'll see you and Amy there.

So you want me to cook
Thanksgiving dinner

in the office kitchen?

Carrie, I know
you're a creative person.

I read your little notebooks
when you're not at your desk.

I want you to Channel
all that lousy art

and terrible poetry
into a great meal.

You okay, Carrie?

Seem Kinda angry.

No,
I've seen this look before.

She's just trying
to think of recipes.

Guys, good news.
I'm hosting Thanksgiving dinner.

You're all invited.
You're welcome.

Cool.

No, wait a minute.
You never invite us to anything.

- What is your angle?
- Shut up! Don't question it.

This is what we prayed for.

No, no, no,
Anne is right.

This is suspicious.

If I learned anything
in Afghanistan,

it's that most of you
will soon be dead,

but I will
miraculously survive.

Ryan,
what's really going on?

All right, okay,
it's about the girl.

- Aw.
- Crap.

Is this starting?

You're getting back
on the horse?

Okay, ground rules...
I don't wanna hear any mention

of action, getting it,
bumping uglies...

Anne, I'm gonna be honest,
it's not that much better

when you say it.

You have nothing
to worry about.

I'm not ready
to act on anything,

but I do have some feelings
for her,

and I think Steven's
getting ready to make a play.

Steven is handsome.

Buddy, I do not like
your chances.

And if they do go out,
it will close a door for me,

so what I need you guys to do
at Thanksgiving is to create

an atmosphere that's
as desexualized as possible.

I think
we can handle that.

Count me out.

My mom's dragging me
to "angry lady" Thanksgiving.

My aunts just sit around
and bitch

about how their men have done
them wrong and let them down.

- The guys aren't around?
- No, they're there.

Owen, you should bring
your mom to Ryan's.

It's always a good idea
to get the family involved,

and she could be like a deputy
in your healing journey.

You haven't met
the woman, have you?

She ain't gonna be your deputy.
Mmm.

But I would like
to have her there.

I think she could scare
the sex out of anyone.

It's worked for me
so far.

Move on.
We ain't talking about it.

Got it.

The teams playing today
are like guests

that come over
for Thanksgiving.

The Patriots are like the remote
dad you can never please.

The Jets are like
your sloppy, drunk uncle.

And then there are guys
that come over every year,

and you have no idea why,

like the Lions
or that dude

that your Cousin Aaron
brings over every year.

Are they friends?
Are they lovers?

This may not have anything
to do with football,

but I love ya, Aaron.
We just want you to be happy.

Hey!
Looks really good.

There she is, Ryan's love!

- Will you excuse me for one second?
- Sure.

- Hi.
- H-hi.

- Where'd you get that purse?
- What's your favorite color?

Is it blue?
It's the best color.

- How do you find America?
- Guys, we're overwhelming her.

She's gonna think
we're weird.

Here's the plan.
We take her to that office.

Everyone gets ten minutes.

Why does anyone
get any minutes?

Steven?

It's better
if you just come with us.

Ryan!

We'll be back
after the half.

Thanks for listening,
guys in prison

and sad people
whose TVs are broken.

We went with raisins
in the stuffing.

We did.

Problem?
No, no, it's okay.

Just doesn't feel
like Thanksgiving,

but that's fine.

Hey, Anne.
These are your kids?

What, you got an issue?

You thought they'd look
like what?

Finish your sentence.

You got something to say, King.
Just say it.

Nice to have you here,
Anne.

- Welcome, kids.
- Ryan King.

I love your show so much.

No, you don't.

Every night,
I go in my room

and listen to his podcasts
for hours.

That's what you're doing
in there?

That's so much worse
than I thought!

Well, come on.
I'll show you some cool stuff.

- I wanna go too.
- Okay!

W...w... what kind
of pied piper is this?

Ryan, good news.

We met Amy,
and she's okay with us.

She gets it, you know?

We feel like we could travel
with her.

Well,
that's a load off.

Where's Amy right now?
She's not with Steven, right?

No, she just went
down the stairs

with a very attractive
Asian man.

- That's Steven!
- That's Steven?

No,
we're in big trouble.

I wished them
a sensual afternoon,

and I have a wish
coming to me.

He runs
like the wind.

You know, all you need
is a few catchphrases.

You'll seem like you know
what you're talking about.

All right, so when
a quarterback hands off

to someone, and then he gets
the ball back to pass...

That's a flea-flicker.

You're not messing
with me, right?

- No.
- 'Cause I really wanna learn.

No, ask anyone.

And then when a player
has the ball,

but he's blindsided
by another guy,

that is called
a dipsy-dizzle.

Thank you.

So you're walking?
I love walking.

Let's do this.
This is better, right?

I think
we can all agree on that.

Joyce, I'm so happy
to meet you.

I'm so glad
you could stop by.

A hugger?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

So you're the leader,
trying to help Owen

through a hard time.

- Yeah.
- Well, let's see it.

Show me what you got.
Say something healing.

It's a little bit hard

when you're put on the spot,
you know?

It's like, "you're funny!
Be funny!"

And you're all like...

Hey, give me
some of that wine.

You've got
a tiger mom too?

They really dominate us,

That's why we're so crazy.
I'm not like you.

What stringed instrument
did she make you play?

Cello.

We should get together
and Jam.

I can get all up
in some Vivaldi.

Yeah, I can too.

Hey, sports fans.
I'm your host Ryan King.

Hey, sports fans.
I'm your host Ryan King.

Mom, why aren't you
being Ryan King?

Hey, everybody.

- Hi.
- Thank you.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- Excuse me, Steven.

This is the, yams' chair.
What?

Well, I don't know
what you did in your home,

but in mine,
we always had a yam chair.

Ryan, can I talk to you
for a minute?

Sure.

Hey, guys, guys,
please, everybody enjoy

the bounty on the table
and on the chair.

The yam chair.

Don't fill up.

We gotta get
to your aunt's soon.

You know,
sighs are feelings

that we can't put
into words.

Owen, what words
are you afraid to say?

Owen's fine.

Can I give you
some parenting advice?

When kids are little, they
need us to hold their hands,

but when they become adults,
they need us to let go.

Are you telling me
how to raise my child?

No, no.

I don't think
that's what happened.

- Yes.
- No.

What did you say

this childless woman's
qualifications were?

I have a certificate
of compassion

from a new beginnings
workshop.

New beginnings.

I learned to be a psychic
from them.

Not helping.

I thought we understood
each other.

I thought you were okay with me
going for Amy.

I am.

Then why do I feel like,
every time I turn around,

you're dipsy-dizzling me?

- It's not a thing.
- Damn her, she's awesome!

All right, look, the truth is,
I've been thinking about it,

and I'm not ready
to act on it,

but I may have
some feelings for her,

and I'd like
to keep the option open,

so I guess you're gonna have
to step back.

No.

But really sad stuff
happened to me.

No, no, not doing that.
I'm into her.

I'm not backing down
just because you think

you might wanna do something
one day, maybe.

Well, we always promised
each other

we'd never let a girl
come between us.

Pals before gals.

I know it's not as cool
as "bros before hos,"

but it was a simpler time.

Then who gets to go for her?
How do we settle this?

How do we settle it?

Same way we used
to settle things in college.

- I'm not afraid.
- I'm not afraid.

Well, then,
may the best man win.

No, may I win.

Mom, we found a cartoon with Ryan.

Can we keep him?
We love him.

We can kiss him at night,
and he'll keep us safe.

Okay,
holidays are tough.

Barely keeping it
together here, lovies.

Owen, could you pass me
the potatoes,

or is that being
too controlling?

- Mom.
- Wait.

Do you mean old mom
or new mom?

I don't think
I'm Owen's mom.

Okay, I can't just listen
to this.

Mrs. Lewis,
I think it's terrible

what Lauren said to you.

- Yolanda!
- I'm sorry, I follow the power!

- Hey.
- Hey.

Amy, everyone,
we gotta go to a bar.

Be right back.
That's not very nice.

So you went to college
with Ryan.

Let's hear
about his dirty laundry.

Well, he was in a really
cheesy a cappella group.

They were called
the alto...

No, I mean
his actual laundry.

Where does he tend
to sweat?

Imagine I had a really good
excuse to walk away right now.

I hope your mom
feels better.

- Ready?
- I'm ready.

Standard rules?

Whoever gets the most drinks
without getting punched wins.

- Are we too old for this?
- Definitely.

Three, two, one, go.

Are you gonna pay for that?
Loser.

Wha?

- That's my beer.
- Hey!

- That's my beer.
- That's my beer.

Man, bro, give me my beer.

Didn't think it would be you.
I'm out.

There you are.

Come on.
Booze rodeo?

Something magical
is happening.

Come back here!

He's the first to break
the ten-drink barrier.

No!

Who knows
when this incredible run will...

It's over.

Hey, I won!

Hey, Owen.

You wanna go and throw the ball
around outside?

I'm sorry, I can't
b*at around the bush anymore.

Mrs. Lewis,
this is really doing it for me.

I would like
to be Owen's daddy.

- Okay, we are out of here.
- Mom, no.

Excuse me?

Look, I'm allowed to be
with my friends on Thanksgiving.

So I see you're choosing
them over me?

- No!
- They're better than me?

No, no, no,
you're way better than them.

They're weird
and confused.

Son, don't use that tone
with your mother.

You're not gonna be
my daddy.

This works for me.
Don't be so insecure.

I mean, it's never gonna be
you versus them.

You're my mom.
It's always gonna be you.

Aw.

If you helped him
get to this,

thank you.

You're young enough, we don't
need to have that journey.

You choose me too.
Now hug me.

Thank you.

Seriously, what is wrong
with you and Steven?

You've been acting strange
all day,

and then you left me
at the table

with the odd,
bearded gentleman.

Well, we're fighting
over something.

Well, what is it?
What is so important?

What? What is that,
some sort of effeminate magic?

We're fighting over you.

Yeah, you and I, I think,
on some level, I'd like...

No.

Well, you don't even know
what I was gonna say.

I always know
what you were going to say.

No.

Okay, good.

So our shorthand
has allowed me

to get more quickly
to the humiliation?

You're just not ready,

and anyway,

I'm not gonna be
the first one.

What?

Janie was the love
of your life.

I can't be the first one
after her.

If you're asking,
do I have feelings for you?

I do.

I have forever.

Really?

But I'm not gonna follow
Michael Jordan.

I'm not following Elway.

I love it
that you take it back to sports.

Well, yeah.

We'd be good.

Yeah.

Okay, so not now,

but maybe
after I've dated 3?

5?

50?

There's a point
where it gets gross.

Okay.

I can wait.

Sure, you can.

You just came
to this party.

I've been waiting
a long time,

but who knows better
than I do, right?

It's better with a boom box.

Something's lost.

Yeah,
tiny technology is nice,

but it's harder
to make a statement.

This has been
a great Thanksgiving

for half of us...
The half whose team won.

For the other half, it's time
for some brutal honesty.

There's six weeks left
in the NFL season.

Physicists tell us
that objects that suck

for 11 weeks
tend to remain sucking,

so it's time
to think about rebuilding,

and you never know
how long that's gonna take.

The right player
can come along tomorrow

and change everything.

In the meantime, you gotta take
care of the people you got.

Hey, I felt bad
about the whole Amy thing,

and I know you wanna be more
into sports, so here you go.

Aw.

He's a rookie
from Slovenia.

Mybalzich.
He's good?

He's special.

It may not be the ones
you choose,

but they're your team.

Your mom
wasn't hard enough on you.

Again.