01x10 - Back, Back, Back... It's Gone!

[bunniefuu]

If you've been hurt,

how soon is too soon
to get back in the game?

Grant Hill sprained his ankle
and was on the dl for 46 years.

Daffy Duck takes
a shotgun blast to the face,

spins his beak around
and bam, he's back.

A player wants to play.

He can only watch
from the sidelines for so long.

What have you done with her?

You're not supposed
to be here.

That's better.

Carrie, I'm ready to put myself
back on the market.

I'm down to my sexiest weight,

my tan is strong, my gift
for saucy banter has come back.

I have never
seen you single before.

Yeah, it's gonna be bad.

I'm bad at it.

Look, I don't know
if I'm ready,

but I'm definitely lonely.

So I'm gonna
take some sh*ts

even if I make
some terrible mistakes.

What about you?
Should we hook up?

I don't really feel like
being a terrible mistake.

Yeah, I read you.
Gotta get the word out though.

Let's update
my Facebook page.

Okay, change it, Carrie.

To what, single, widowed,
it's complicated?

We're going right at it.

Widowed.

- That seems a little...
- Intense? Yeah.

You're right, that's why
we're gonna cut against it

with the following
profile picture.

Grab your camera.

Ready?

No.
Bad, no!

No, it's awesome. Take it.

Okay.

Now put in "likes Porsches"
in a way

that makes it very clear
that I have one.

And,
thumbs-up a band.

I wanna say
mumford & sons,

but that doesn't limit me
to smart chicks, does it?

Okay, this is not
how you meet people.

I forgot.

I'm b*ating all the men
around here off with a stick.

Moment of truth, Carrie.

Send it.
New life begun.

Crazy, Porsche-driving widower
is the bait.

Let's see
who we reel in.

You poor man.

I had no idea.

The kid is back.

Go On 1x10
Back, Back, Back... It's Gone!
Original Air Date on November 27, 2012

Do you think it's too soon
for me to date?

No such thing.

And rarely has anyone ever made
a mistake while doing this.

I'm sorry.
This is a safe space.

Admittedly, I'm flailing,
but it's scary.

I don't know
if I can handle it.

I mean, Anne freaked out
when she tried it.

Of course, I'm not
as crazy as she is.

No, you're not.

She's glaring at me,
isn't she?

Yes.

Say,
what does Anne look like?

I picture
an angry Audrey Hepburn.

That's close.

Well, we'll find out
if I'm ready soon enough.

Olympic champion and Facebook
friend Misty may-treanor

invited me to play beach
volleyball at their facility...

So I will be mingling

with some
of the most beautiful people

on the face of the planet.
No.

Can I come?
Well played.

Thank you.

Well, make sure you're both
available for George's party.

Did everyone
get the e-vite?

Yeah.

I'm not sure
I understood

the nature
of the gathering.

It's an "I'm not dead" party.

Yeah, I understood
the nature of the gathering.

A year ago,
some foolish doctors predicted

that a man
with all of George's diseases

had only a year to live.

That year ends tomorrow.

I showed 'em.

Well,
it's not tomorrow yet.

Let's hold hold off
on the victory lap, sweetie.

"Where's the group cat?"

Asked the cat lover
to the woman

who was supposed
to be watching it.

Why you yell?
What is it?

"Pick on sexy lady" day?

Cat is fine.
Really?

Is the cat fine?

Or is it un gato perdido?

That's no group cat.

Sure looks like Puddin'.

There's a phone number.

Soy Fausta. Soy Fausta.

- Soy Fausta.
- Sonia?

You're being a little intense,
but, Fausta, at some point,

we do have to address
your narcissism.

Yes,
I lose the cat.

We have no time to lose.

Puddin's not built
for the streets.

Our central search area

will be a triangle
around Fausta's house.

Then we'll fan out
in a "J" formation

to the southwest
and the East,

establishing checkpoints
to the North.

And then
we'll split into groups

and keep radiating
from the center.

Radiating
from the center.

Sonia, your plan
bears a resemblance to...

- What?
- No, it's a good plan.

Okay, Carrie, these girls are
a little bit younger than I am.

What do I do?
Do I talk about Twilight?

Do we still
exchange numbers?

Do we text?
Do we talk through the cloud?

What are you so worried about?
You talk for a living.

Yeah, well,
if I wanted to attract

weed-addled
35-year-old guys

who still live
in their parents' basement,

then I'd have my pick.

It may be
where I end up,

but it's certainly not
where I wanna start.

Hey, Ryan.
Welcome.

Hey, Misty, good to see you.
Hey, be honest.

Should I go
with the wrap-around sunglasses?

You're a volleyball player.
Who are you falling for?

This guy?
Or this guy?

Definitely no sunglasses.

Because you wanna see
my piercing blue eyes.

Sure.

I was right.
That was the reason.

- She said, "sure."
- That's right.

Boy, look at 'em.

They're so tall
and perfect.

They're like the next stage
in human evolution,

and we're like
the weird monkey creatures

that come
between actual monkeys and them.

They're intimidating
as a group,

but you just need
to attract one.

Maybe she's been drinking

because her father abandoned her
at an early age.

Well,
one can only hope, right?

- Yeah.
- Hey.

- Just need one!
- Hey, ladies, ladies, gather.

We have a visitor today.
His name's Ryan.

Hello, volleyballers.

I really dig you guys

setting me up li...

And Ryan
has a throat problem,

won't be able to speak
that much today.

Okay, let's do this.

- That's you.
- Mine!

- Okay.
- Get it.

Nice.

- Yeah.
- That was pretty sweet?

I should tweet that out
to the cloud.

It's not gonna be her.

You know, while we have
a minute here, I'll...

I'll bet your blood
tastes amazing.

You know, 'cause
of the whole vampire thing.

Twilight.
Twilight.

Carrie, I don't think
she's drunk.

I got it.
Go, go.

Hit it!

My back!

I can't move.
Is he kidding?

I'm not sure.
It's not funny.

But neither is
anything else he said.

Hey.

Has anyone seen
my wedding ring?

Damn it.

Carrie.
It's okay, Ryan.

I found it, I found it.
It's all right.

Hey, could we give him
some space?

Yes, leave us
grotesque monkey people alone.

I don't wanna be doing
all this, Carrie.

I wanna be married.
I know.

Put some sunblock on me,

and go get help.

Hi, I'm Ryan.

This is how I am now.

Come on in.
Have a seat.

George,
we're so excited.

We brought you snacks
for your party.

Jell-o,
some yummy cookies.

Great.
This is bourbon.

We all gonna take a sh*t
and tear it up!

- Well...
- This is our itinerary.

Okay.
Jazz club.

Yeah.
Whiskey bar.

Vegas... and Mexico.

Okay,
these two are illegal.

This you can't get
without a prescription.

And is this a woman
you've drawn?

Well, that's roughly
the shape I'm interested in.

Excuse us a moment.

Mmhmm.

This list is crazy.

Frankly, even if it just said,
"walk up a flight of stairs,"

I wouldn't let him do it.

Can we discuss
a more important issue?

Puddin' is out there alone.

I'm talking
about a man's life.

I'm talking
about a cat's life!

I don't know
how to argue with that.

How are we gonna tell George
he can't party the way he wants?

He's a very proud man.

We can do
some of these things.

This drawing
looks very much like me.

Look, we'll have one drink,

he'll get sleepy,
we'll call it a night.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Feeling tired, George?

Tired of waiting
for this party to start.

Is anyone
even making out?

What happened to you?

I threw my back out
with the beach volleyball girls.

Beach volleyball.
Hey, put that on the list.

Look at this.

Discotheque?
Roller derby?

What's this picture
of Fausta?

It's George's plan
for the evening.

Enough talk.
Let's hit it.

George, we're not going.
Right?

It doesn't sound
so safe, man.

You calling me old?

Well, age is just a number,
but yours is pretty high

and it's not like they just call
this place a "folks home."

You think
you're tougher than me?

Hey!

- Old man fight!
- I'm not old.

Twilight!
Twilight the movie!

- Old man fight!
- George, no, no.

Everybody, everybody, please.
George, please settle down.

I'm fine.
Excuse me.

I have plans.
George.

- Buddy.
- No.

Don't follow me!

And you, sir,

- need to return to your room.
- Come on!

You were right to pick me
to help you for Puddin'.

Search and rescue
was part of my training.

I wanted you more because
of your bland personality

and your willingness
to take orders.

Sir, yes, sir.

This is his kind of tree.

Let's see if he's up there.

I'm gonna speak cat.

You probably think I'm weird.

No.

I think you're awesome.

Rock 'n' roll.

So these are the women
you played volleyball with.

I know.

I thought I blew it, but I
got six emails this morning.

They all want me.

They found out
I was a widower,

and then all of a sudden,

I was irresistible
and vulnerable.

It's
the Sleepless in Seattle effect.

- Is that a thing?
- Yeah.

The first time I went golfing
after Patty d*ed,

women were
throwing themselves at me.

It was like I was
the lesbian Fonzie.

Gaaaay!

Women are so great.

The more damaged you are,
the more they wanna heal you.

We don't deserve 'em,
King.

No, we don't.

Boy, I have been compared

to Tom Hanks my entire life,
and now this.

I'm sorry,
who compared you to Tom Hanks?

People.
The people of America.

I don't see a mermaid
giving up the sea for you.

I'm sorry, it's just that
I've seen Sleepless in Seattle,

like, 40 times
and you are no Sam.

Okay, I'm getting worried.
Has anyone heard from George?

You mean other than
the ten times a day

he calls me by mistake.

- He pocket dials you too?
- Yeah.

Yeah, I got this at 7:00 pm.

- These peanuts free?
- Also from last night.

Yeah, you too!

Another whiskey.
She found it.

Thought she was dead!

Then she woke up
and stabbed herself.

Okay, okay, why are we
obsessing over George?

What about the cat?
Thank you, Danny.

This group,
it's all about the people.

It's like,
"where's George?"

"Which woman does Ryan
wanna take into an alleyway

and get all..."

You just get it, dude.

So are we gonna go look
for Puddin' again today?

Can't wait.

I'll bring my compass,
my canteen and...

Do you think
we'll need my g*n?

Better to have it
and not need it

than need it
and not have it.

You know,
I'm a little envious of you,

out there dating again.

Don't say that
with Wyatt right out there.

Wyatt and I are great.

Hey, honey.

- Hi.
- Ready to go?

Great.

- Hi.
- Mwah.

Ryan King.

What happened to you?

Back in
the dating game.

Yeah, no, I saw
the update on Facebook.

Big swing, bro.

Let me see your back.
What? No, no, no.

What are you doing?
What are you doing?

Should I tell him
I'm a chiropractor?

No, no, no,
put me down, you monster!

I love you.

Don't ever leave me.

Now that should hold you
for a day or two

and then you can come back
and see me,

if you're ready to enter into
a healing relationship.

"A healing relationship"?

I mean, there's a real
spiritual component to my work.

You know, energy, chakras,
crap like that.

If you're open, great.

If you're gonna be
a bitch about it,

you can go sit
in your own load.

Namaste.

I love you.

This date
is gonna be great, Carrie.

I'm wearing a suit that Cloons
wore to the Ocean's 13 premiere.

That was recent.

Plus, we're going to one
of my favorite restaurants,

where the Italian maitre d'
is gonna chat me up,

make me look like a big sh*t.

It's all very bene.

Well, good luck.

Mr. King,
it's been too long.

Hey, man.

Will Janie be
meeting you today?

There it goes.

Grazie.

Sorry to bother you.

Your feet look nice.

Did I come at a bad time?

No, no, no.

I was just going out.

But, my God.

Are you okay?

- I can't move on.
- Aw.

I can't even move.

I'm hopeless.

You're not hopeless.

Great things
are gonna happen.

You're right there.

Yeah?

Yeah,
you're gonna meet a woman

who you feel comfortable with
and who appreciates you

for how smart and funny
and attractive you are.

Just for the record,
that person is not you?

- No.
- Okay.

- What the hell was that?
- It was bad.

- We can both agree it was bad.
- Yeah.

- What's bad, buddy?
- Wyatt?

How long have you been here?

- A little while.
- Like how little?

You here
for an adjustment?

Let's get you an adjustment.

Boy.

You're really
getting good at that.

Thanks.
I practiced all night.

- And this morning.
- Yeah.

And this afternoon.

You know, it's possible
being on m*llitary disability

has sapped my ambition.

You know what,
that looks like a Puddin' tree.

I'm gonna go check it out.

You keep it up.
Okay.

Hey! Hey!
I find him in my oven.

If I don't microwave everything,
he dead.

That's...
That's great, I guess.

What's wrong,
my tall and stupid?

I was just having so much fun
looking for him with Sonia.

Hey, so you think
you could wait to tell her?

She and I were
really starting to connect.

What am I saying?

I'm married.

Sweetie, come here.

Your wife is bad woman.

She does not deserve you.

You take the cat.

When you're ready,
you be hero.

Better, you hold on cat.

Danny and Sonia search.

When I ready, I take cat,
be hero.

Sorry, when I get around you,
it's hard not to speak Fausta.

I'd really like
to get to the bottom

of how long you were
standing out there.

Long enough to see
a man in pain.

Face down.

Did you like
seeing me in pain?

Did it feel like...
Justice?

Does this hurt?

Yes!

Doesn't seem to stop you
from doing it though.

So you chiropractors,
do you have to take an oath

to heal and, you know,
not k*ll?

I'm not much
of an oath guy.

Mahatma!

Mila Kunis!

Are you a religious man?

I'm sensing a lot
of stress here, Ryan.

You got something
on your mind?

No.

What is it?

Nothing.

Flip over.

Come on, what's bugging you?

- No, just normal worry stuff.
- Tell Wyatt.

- You know you want to.
- School.

It's eating at you.

Garbage floating on the oce...

Yes, I did it!
I tried to kiss Lauren!

My God.
That's fantastic.

You tried to kiss Lauren?

You son of a bitch!

I'm just messing with you.

I don't care.

What? Why not?

Why aren't you
threatened by me?

I'm like Tom Hanks.

You're a lot
like Tom Hanks.

Thank you.

Why aren't you mad at me?

Come here.

He told me, hon.

Guess we got another one.

"Another one"?

They all fall
for my baby.

It's classic
Florence Nightingale stuff.

First it was
the weight watchers crowd...

Those cute chubbies...

And now it's the Saddies.

Wyatt, please don't
call them that.

Not in front of the Saddy?
I got it.

But you cheaped out.

You were supposed
to bring her something.

They all do.

Coffee table,
that was from a Chubby.

That lamp, Danny.

That vase
that looks like boobies.

- Don't say Anne.
- It was Anne.

And now the great Ryan King
joins the ranks.

You two need to talk.

But no making out.

Grr. I will have to kick
your ass because I'm so jealous.

Well, I hope you're happy.

- You almost got me k*lled.
- What?

- You invite me over here.
- You showed up at my doorstep.

You get all tarted up.

- These are khakis.
- You give me compliments.

You say I'm smart
and funny and attractive.

You were sad.
I didn't know what to say.

- You're a grief counselor!
- Anyone can do that.

It takes, like,
three classes.

And everyone falls for you,

so on top of everything else,
I'm a cliche?

Look, the good news
about being a cliche

is that you're like most people,
and most people get better.

Ryan, you're getting better.

And for what it's worth,
it was flattering.

Yeah?

So you'd say I'm the cutest
of the chubbies and saddies?

Goodbye, Ryan.

George.

Hey, George.

No, I'm glad you're okay.

He wants me to pick him up.

Good tell him
you were here

and that the painting he did
for me is still up.

- Where is it?
- Not up.

He's a sweet man,
but it's what you'd think.

Thanks, Ryan.

Now where you gonna tell people
you picked me up?

Las Vegas, Nevada, sir.

Right.

Not holed-up
in some motel downtown.

I was at
a Bellagio Blackjack table,

up ten large,
surrounded by leggy showgirls,

- and big muckity-mucks.
- Got it.

I used to be able
to go out and tear it up.

Live while you can, Ryan.

Goes by just like that.

- That's very wise, George.
- No, it's not.

When you get old,
everyone thinks you're wise.

I'm not wise.

I just talk slow.

I'm sorry, George,
I was inspired by that.

Listen,
if it's all right with you,

I'm gonna ask you
for some advice anyway,

'cause I could
certainly use some.

I'm not ready
to be with a woman,

but I'm tired
of being without one.

I've tried everything
I can think of.

I stood up a 23-year-old
volleyball goddess.

I even tried to kiss Lauren.

Slow down, son.

I'm gonna tell you
a little secret.

People think life is short.

Nah, life is long.

The next right thing
will come to you.

Let it.

Just be ready.

Okay,
that was wise.

Yeah, it was pretty wise.

- Thanks, man.
- You're welcome.

Ryan, before you go,

I want a picture of us
for the end of my night.

Okay.

Ready?

There we go.

There are some
other pictures on here.

Is this what you did?

Barely half
of what was on my list.

Don't get old, Ryan.
Don't get old.

Hey, loverboy.

Heard you tried
to plant one on Lauren.

George!

I'm a gossip.

These people have no lives.

It's a volatile cocktail.

So what's next
for you two lovebirds?

Are you going up
to inspiration point to neck?

Yes,
you get to make those jokes

because you never
tried to win Lauren's love

with an erotic vase.

How did you find out
about that?

I am so embarrassed.

This is worse than being felt up
by boys in junior high.

No, no, no.

This gets spread wide.

You gave her
a painting of nothing.

You made repeated invitations
to your parents' place in napa.

And you knitted her
a sexy sweater

with large arm holes.

I like very much side boob.

Falling in love
with someone

just because
they take care of you.

You cats, are so lame!

Look what I found!

Puddin'.

You're perfect man.

What's happening?