01x11 - The World Ain't Over 'Til It's Over

[bunniefuu]

Aww, Fausta, this is so lovely.

But this is a public space

so all the decorations
need to be nondenominational.

Got it.

This is not Christmas tree.

It's winter bush.

Perhaps enjoyed by Jewish.

This normal baby.

Come from human father.

You know, I rarely find myself

on the Fausta side of an argument

because I tend to not understand
what she's saying.

Me too.

But I do like Christmas stuff.

So what would be appropriate?

Well, certainly anything with snow.

Oh, God, I will never forget
the first time I saw snow.

When I was nine, my family
moved from Florida to Maine.

We flew in at night
and I got off the plane

and oh, there it was,

just billions of diamonds
falling from the sky.

And for the first time
in my life, I felt--

Are we gonna get
this time back at the end?

At home.

If you had held out for "at home"

we would have been done, but okay.

So we finally settled on a date

for the group holiday party.

December 21.

It'll start at 8:00 pm and go
till... double question mark?

December 21, 2012.

That's the end of the Mayan calendar;

the apocalypse.

So the party is going to end
at midnight.

And by "the party" I mean this
little rave we call existence.

Well, if we really want our
holiday season to be inclusive,

we should respect the views
of the totally whacked out.

Thank you, Ryan.

Okay, we will make it

a holiday/end of the world party.

Wait, you don't believe
the world's ending next week.

It happens, Owen.

Stars wink out.

One moment they're glowing and vibrant.

The next, nothing.

We'll all die and
then it's just nothingness.

This normal baby wrote book
you should read.

I want you to take down that eyesore.

It's totally ruining my view!

I'm so sorry I'm late.

It's neighbors.

On the one side, there's
always crap on the grass.

And now on the other side,
these nouveau riche yahoos

have built this marble monstrosity.

Please tell me you're not

talking about cemetery neighbors.

Of course I am.

So these people you're yelling at,

they're recently bereaved?

Wouldn't that make
you... terrible?

You don't get it, King.

Visiting Patty's grave is the
most important part of my day.

And I go every day.

And really mourn.

I cry, I pound my fists, I drop
to my knees, I say "Why?"

That's good.

I'm gonna rock a "Why?"
with my cat in the backyard.

Okay, Anne, there is no right
or wrong way to grieve,

but you shouldn't feel like
you can't miss a day.

I wanna be there.

It's really important to me.

But I've had
to miss a few things--

trips, a reunion.

I know that at some point
it would be good

for me to miss a day,

but I just don't know
when I'm gonna be ready.

Well, that's something I'd
like to discuss with all of you.

Mr. K brought up an intriguing
possibility earlier.

What if the world were to end?

How would we wanna spend our last day?

Ryan, should we act on

that whole Sam and Diane thing
we've got going?

Oh, I think the open-ended
nature of that

is part of what makes it special.

You do make an interesting point though.

Do you guys know Jimmy Valvano?

Is this a sports thing?

We so don't care.

It's also
a heart-breaking thing

so you may like it.

Jimmy Valvano was a legendary
basketball coach

and he was dying.

This wonderful man summoned up

his last bit of strength
to teach us how to live.

And he said "For you perfect
day, you have to three things:

Laugh, think, cry."

- Damn, that's deep.
- Yeah.

My last day, I wear a metal uniform

go around city k*lling criminals
like robocop.

Pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow.

Sorry.

Okay, our time is up,

but I will see you all at the party.

Hey, Ryan?

I need to ask you
a question about Wyatt.

He's acting, like,
really nervous and weird.

Oh, I'm sure
that's just your imagination.

No one that tall and handsome
is ever nervous and weird.

So he didn't say anything to you?

No. Maybe he's
getting ready to propose.

What?

[Laughing] No, we're not ready for that.

That's the furthest thing
from our minds.

Okay, you're laugh-talking,
it's very strange.

- [Laughs]
- Okay.

- I'll see you around.
- Okay.

[Laughs]

[Jingle bells ringing]

♪ From Coney Island
to the Sunset Strip... ♪

Oh! Hey.

Isn't that Lauren's boyfriend
in that jewelry store?

God, he's so cute and clean.

He looks like a big boy scout.

A man scout.

Wanna earn a badge, man scout?

Please don't be sexy with me
when it's just the two of us.

I don't know what to do.

Oh, he's looking at a diamond ring!

Oh, no, you think he's going to propose?

A husband is a big time-suck.

Oh, what if they have kids?

Kids are very needy.

They're the worst.

They can't solve
any of their own problems.

Hey, Sonia, Yolanda, doing
a little Christmas shopping?

[Monotone]
Ha ha. Something about crowds.

What's with that ring?

Oh, you saw me.

Okay, don't tell Lauren.

But yeah, this is for her.

I'm gonna ask her to marry me.

Both: [Half-hearted]
Ahh!

Listen, you guys know Lauren so well

and I want the proposal to be perfect.

So can I, like, pick your brain

and figure out the best way to do it?

- Count us in.
- Really?

Great, I'll call you.

Don't worry, we're gonna sabotage him.

We'll give him bad advice.

Oh, you're a genius.

How come you're not more successful?

Eh, everything's
just such a thing. Ugh.

Jimmy Valvano from the ESPYS!

Greatest advice ever.

You've gotta laugh, think, cry.

Mm, dude,
it's "Laugh, drink, cry."

Just watched it, buddy;
Laugh, think, cry.

Damn it, I've been living my
life wrong for, like, 20 years.

I'm trying to figure out
how I'd spend my last day.

What's that?

Uh, it's a brochure for wine country.

You and I used to go
every year with the ladies.

Didn't wanna make a thing of it,
but I was gonna go.

That's it.
Wine country.

A place where we've laughed,
been moved to tears by beauty,

- had plenty of time to think.
- And drink!

This is great.

You get all one with the land
while you're up there.

It's very mellow.

It's you at your most
McConaughey. I love it!

And you are the mayor of wine country.

No one pretends to know how
to talk wine better than you.

And I am gonna unveil
some new adjectives.

I am gonna order a dopey cabernet

and send back a Pinot
for not being bashful enough.

You're doing a Seven Dwarves thing!

That's awesome!

Listen, I-I found a girl
to take.

I was gonna bring Becca,
you remember her?

Didn't you say she was a little dim?

No.

That was before
I was... desperate.

- Oh, yeah, right.
- You got a girl you can take?

No, I mean, nobody romantic, no.

How about somebody you can
bring along as a friend?

Someone who might benefit
from the magic of wining?

I think I might have the perfect lady.

Oh, yeah?
She fun?

No.
No, she's not.

[Bus horn beeps]

Really?
Classy.

Hey, let me guess,
family of Martin Henderson

1948-2012.
Beloved father.

Hater of even minimal plot upkeep?

King, what are you doing?

- I've gotta go mourn.
- Not today.

Get in.
It's our last day on earth.

And we are?

That was supposed to
cue the road trip song.

What happened to born to be wild?

I want Life is a Highway.

I'm not gonna have
this argument with you again!

Just get in.

What kind of hee-haw nonsense is that?

My dream road trip vehicle
and my dream road trip crew.

- You know Steven.
- We've met. Not impressed.

And this would be his bimbo girlfriend.

Excuse me, I have
a subscription to Vanity Fair.

We are headed to wine country
for our perfect last day ever

and I really want you to come.

Now, it would mean missing a day
at the grave site,

but I think this is gonna be
so good for you.

We will laugh, we'll think,
and maybe even cry a little bit.

How much wine is there in wine country?

She's in.
McConaughey, take the wheel.

All right, all right, all right.

We will miss Mr. k's
end of the world party.

[Mocking] Oh, no, stop the bus.

[Horn honks]

I'm glad you came.

I was led to believe
other people would be here.

Oh, and the world
is going to end in 12 hours.

I wanna go out holding hands
with loved ones,

listening to the perfect song.

Now, word on the street
is you're a musical guy.

And deep down you know you may be able

to come up with the perfect song,

that there's genius inside of you.

That's why I'm sure you won't say no.

No.

I've locked the doors.

And Lauren hates champagne.

So when you propose to her,

you're not gonna want
any champagne there.

You know what you should do?

Get her two rings.

One for now and one for
the weight you want her to be.

Or no ring and offer to pay
to get her bigger boobs.

- Ladies love that.
- Yeah.

So let me get this straight.

Tell her she's fat,
imply her boobs are too small,

tell her I think therapy is a crock,

and that I want an open marriage?

Be specific about which of her friends

you'd like to sleep with, yeah.

Okay, you guys don't like me
and you won't help.

And that's too bad because I
think Lauren's the greatest lady

in the world and she deserves
a magical proposal.

Wait, we're sorry.

You seem like a great guy,

it's just we're afraid of losing her.

Oh, Lauren loves you guys.

You're not gonna lose her
if we get married.

In fact, you're not even gonna
miss out on the proposal.

I'm gonna pop the question
at the party tonight.

Okay, we'll help.

If you promise to love her forever

and make sure she stays
connected with the group.

Deal.

And I'd like to see your stomach.

- Come on. Pull your shirt up.
- No. No.

- Shirt.
- No, no, no, no.

Now this wine is a little
happier than I'd like.

Do you have anything sneezier?

- I have just the thing.
- [Chuckling]

This is how we're supposed to be.

Good food, good wine, living
life, out of the rat race.

Come outside with me, baby.

I wanna feel you and soil
at the same time.

I don't know him that well.

Does he always suck like that?

Oh, yeah.
He gets worse.

After five drinks
his face will get bright red

because of some weird
Asian enzyme thing.

And then after six drinks,
he'll offer to buy the winery.

Are you okay?

I feel guilty not visiting Patty.

She should be my priority every day.

You've gotta live in the moment.

This is our last day on earth.

Now come on, we're in wine country.

Let's have some wine country fun.

We'll meet other couples.

I hate other couples.

I gotta say, the more annoyed
you get, the more fun I have.

Now come on, play along!

[Guitar music plays]

♪ [Both hum]

Saccharine.
I hate it.

Well, I can chance
the a chord to a F sharp.

That's it!

That's the perfect song.

Okay, let's hear the proposal.

I wasn't planning on saying it
to anyone but Lauren.

Sure, why practice the most
important moment of your life?

When I was at that
phase with my boyfriend,

I practiced my proposal reaction

once in the morning and once at night.

[Fakes shock]

That doesn't happen by accident.

Uh, okay, uh, Lauren,
can I ask you something?

What are you trying to borrow a car?

Just watch.

Lauren, I need to ask you something.

And it doesn't matter what I say here

because I'm capturing her
with intense eye contact.

I hold her hand tightly,
showing her with my body

that even if she tries to pull
away, I will not let her go.

As I gently caress her trembling cheek,

my hips brushing against her,
she has no choice but to say...

Oh, God, yes.

That's how you do that.
Uh.

- Where's the ring?
- No. It was pretend.

♪ It's a dead man's
party... ♪

Ladies, welcome.

Thanks for showing up to
the end of the world party.

Snacks to the left, help
yourself to the cheesecake.

You won't have to work it off tomorrow.

And Feliz Navidad.
I have egg nog for you.

I have punch spiked with
hallucinogenic toad mucus.

- We'll sing Carols.
- We'll ride on the floor.

We'll decorate cookies.

We'll overthrow
the U.S. government.

So two ways the night can go.

Wyatt, you made it.

Of course, I'm not gonna
miss the last party

in the history of the world.

Oh, love him.
He's a keeper.

Well, for the next few hours.

Can you excuse me for a second?

Mm-hmm.

[Both giggling] Hi, you guys.

Okay, why are you being weird
and giggly?

- No reason.
- Lauren, I can't lie to you--

Don't say anything.

W-wait, are you guys talking about Wyatt?

He's been very nervous lately.

[Whispering] Is he gonna propose?

- No.
- Yes.

- What?
- [Gasps]

you just made me lie to Lauren.

My mother was right,
you are a bad influence.

Oh, man.

Tell me something, King?

Am I the first woman you've ever taken

to the wine country that you
have absolutely no chance

- of sleeping with?
- I am not gonna answer that

because I believe in my heart of hearts

that that's not the case.

I think all your lesbi-ing
is a cover

for your intense feelings for me.

[Laughs]

Hey, we got our laugh.

Now all we need is to cry and think.

[Phone rings]

Yeah?

You were right.
Wyatt's gonna propose.

At the Christmas party?

Holiday/end of the world party.

Why must you and Fausta undermine me?

I have no idea what to do.

Remember what I told you before.

If you don't know, you know.

- You can't do it.
- But he's so great.

And he's so sweet and I love him.

What if I say no and it's the
biggest mistake I ever make?

You can't settle.

You are an amazing person.

You can have something perfect.
I did.

[Door opens]
Okay.

All right, I gotta go.
Thank you.

[Gasps]

I found her!

What are you doing in here?

What are you doing in the men's room

and why did somebody
steal all the urinals

and replace them with a tampon machine?

You're not the only one with questions.

Oh, my God.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Honey, can we talk outside?
- Huh?

This men's room is so pink!

It's wonderful!

Little tough love,
but she needed to hear it.

If you don't know, you know.
You know?

Wow, sanctimonious Joe over there.

I hope you're not trying to insult me,

'cause I have no idea
what the hell you just said.

I just don't see how you can
be so sure about her life.

I mean, yes, I loved Patty.

But early on I had my doubts.

- I didn't.
- Really?

Let me ask you this, Ryan.

What do you think
about us getting married?

Here's my take on marriage.

I think what we're doing now
is better, is more romantic.

We wake up every single morning
and decide to be together.

I mean, that is beautiful.

Here's what's gonna happen.

We're gonna be married a year from now.

You are going to get me a ring.

It's gonna be one of these three.

Not the cheapest.

You're going to plan a fantastic weekend

where you propose to me
at one of these three resorts.

Again, not the cheapest.

I will move in here.

Moving out will be
life-sized Wayne Gretzky,

his friend the pinball machine, and...

This pool table.

Or I will move on and you'll regret it

for the rest of your life.

Okay.

Yes, I will definitely do
all of those things,

but I need to put
my foot down about one thing.

Hmm?

I always thought it would be fun

to get married and
to walk down the aisle

wearing my Yankees cap.

- That's not gonna happen.
- No problem.

Perhaps I wasn't totally
and completely sure.

How do you know
that what Lauren's feeling

is not the same thing?

Well, if you don't know...
[Mumbles]

What was that?

Were you trying
to say something, Mumbly?

I wasn't sure about anything.

I think on a certain level,
I idealized my relationship.

Hey, there's my think!

Two out of three Jimmy V!

Uh, maybe you should have had your think

before you opened your [Bleep] mouth

and spewed stupidity all over Lauren.

You're right, you're right,
I'm gonna call her.

- She's not answering.
- Ugh.

Hey, party people!

Wow, looks like someone hit five drinks.

Excuse me, can I talk to somebody

about purchasing the vineyard?

Six. We gotta go.
We gotta go now.

- We gotta go now.
- Come on, come on.

All right.
Yeah!

Okay, everyone, this is the home stretch

before we all die.

Now, Owen has worked very hard

at writing the first and only
song about the end of the world.

What about REM's It's The End
Of the World As We Know It?

Ooh, that's better.

- Do you know that?
- No.

Eh, yours will do, I guess.

Where's Anne and Ryan?

- They want on a trip.
- No. They have to be here.

For me to be at peace

I have to be with
everyone I love and Yolanda.

I'm starting to panic.

[Monotone] Ah ah ah.

Wyatt.

It's so beautiful.

[Grinding noise]

Sorry, that's a machine I rented

that's supposed to be making snow.

Oh, you know I love snow.

Yeah, from that time in Maine
when you were nine.

- Yeah.
- Do you have any stories

about loving a grinding, abrasive sound?

[Laughs]

So what do you say?

Guys.

We have an announcement to make.

Wyatt has asked me to be his bride.

[Gasps]

I said yes!

She said yes.

[Chanting]
All: She said yes!

She said yes.

You're right,
they will chant at anything.

- Yeah.
All: She said yes!

- Ryan, you came for me!
- Yes.

Lauren could I,
uh, just for two seconds?

Yeah, sure.

We came all the way back for this?

Shh. There's important grown
up stuff going on now.

I'm sick of this.

I'm gonna be so glad
to be done with you guys

when Steven and I move up north
and open our vine-yard.

Baby, we need to talk.

Don't listen to me.

I don't know anything.

I was the opposite of sure.

So for me to tell you
to--you're--you--

- you're wearing a ring.
- Mm-hmm.

You already said yes.

My opinion doesn't matter.

- Uh-uh.
- Well that's nice.

That's great.

- Are you happy?
- Yeah.

Yes, I'm just, um, I'm also terrified.

Well, yeah, I mean Janie dragged me

kicking and screaming into a great life

and it sound like Wyatt
is gonna do that for you.

One minute left.
Quickly.

Owen, start up the music.

- Everyone, everyone hold hands.
- Okay.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

You know, we should all
come up with a plan

for meeting up in the afterlife.

Now, Sonia, Yolanda, Fausta,

you should discuss
where to meet in hell.

What's happening?

Is this a cult?

'Cause I cannot do that again.

Okay, it's ten seconds till midnight.

Ten!

All: Nine.

Oh, any last sentiments to share?

I'm in love with someone here.

Me to.
I have crush on Walter.

Which one of us do you think is Walter?

All: Four, three, two, one!

[Snow machine sputters]

[All laugh]

Oh, my God, we're in heaven!

We made it!

- [Laughs]
- [Gasps]

- Thanks, King.
- For what?

You kept me out of
a sad place for a whole day.

You're a good man.

That Janie, she was smart
to nail you down.

Are you welling up?

You got your Jimmy V day.

[Laughs]

Merry Christmas, King.

Merry Christmas, Anne.

Oh, no, I gave away
all of my possessions.

Owen, I'm gonna need my car back!

So, Danny,
who's this lady that you love?

Uh...

[Laughs]

Fausta?

She does it for me.

I'm sorry.
What you say, Walter?

Guys, I just realized
that the interpretations

of the Mayan calendar were slightly off.

Now, based on my calculations,

the world will in fact end right now!

Ryan, turn the lights back on.

Oh, that's unfortunate timing.

I just thought the party should be over.