01x14 - Comeback Player of the Year

[bunniefuu]

It's just Ryan.

"Just Ryan"?
I matter.

Look, I got Usain Bolt's
phone number in my phone.

Check it out.
Look at that.

Okay, you guys love me.
What is this?

Simone's back.

She's the most awesome,
coolest person

that's ever been
in this group.

I wonder
what her new tragedy is.

I hope she lost a cat.

Sharing a tragedy
with Simone would be mint.

Look at you guys.
You're all dressed up.

Anne, are you wearing
a dress?

- She likes my legs.
- Boy.

I put my earring
back in

and had them take out
a little of the gray.

When she was in the group,
this was the place to be.

Anyone who was anyone
was here.

And we danced.

I'm fairly certain

you're thinking
of Studio 54.

See,
that's the kind of cr*ck

Simone would never make.

She was in it, King.

Not above it,
commenting on it.

Just me.
Sorry, I'm not Simone.

Lauren hates Simone.

I don't hate Simone.

Maybe I was thinking
about Studio 54.

Did I steal a woman
from d*ck cavett here?

Whenever Simone tells
a story,

she can't help

but mutter under her breath.

Lauren is, like,
"that event not happen, Simone.

I not believe this.
Gag me with spoon."

Your impression of me
is uncanny.

She just demands
a lot of attention.

And is prone
to exaggeration.

So a needy liar.

That's who you think
is better than me?

- Guys...
- My God!

She's here!
She's finally here!

Simone!
Simone!

She hugged me.
She's hugging me first.

I'm just so happy.

Yes!

I don't see the appeal.

- I do.
- Yeah, me too.

I was in the bazaar
in Marrakesh

when I saw the nine
most colorful scarves

and thought of the nine
most colorful people I know.

Anne,
your eyes look so blue.

It's the scarf.
It's the perfect color.

The scarves are making us
beautiful.

I think you make
the scarves beautiful.

And you must be Ryan.

I don't need
a scarf.

I'm already beautiful.

I don't have a scarf,

but I had Yolanda email me
a picture of you.

Unfortunately, I'm never
without my watercolors.

I love it.

So Simone,

would you like to share with us
why you returned?

Is your brother
in a coma?

As you know,
I first joined this group

when my career was cut short
by a tragic injury.

And I had to say, "farewell"
to dance.

Although there was no evidence
of an injury or a dance career.

Blah, blah, blah, blah.
Dance career.

I left in search
of the next thing.

I went to Europe,
seeking beauty.

I was making art...

Mmmm.

I forgot I'm back
in the states.

And it's not 1937,

and you're not
the penguin.

You better laugh at that,
or we're not friends anymore.

I'm torn about this.

I was sketching farm houses
on the seine

when I met a poet...
My soul mate.

Can we speed this up?

I've got some things
I'd like to discuss.

I had never fallen
so hard for anybody.

I asked him to marry me.

And on the day
we were to wed,

he disappeared.

No!

Words do not exist
to express my heartbreak.

No, that's not true.

There is
an ancient Gaelic phrase.

Briseadh croi.

Yeah.

That's it.

Thank you, Benjamin.

"Benjamin"?
You told her your name?

I felt like
she could handle it.

It feels good
to be here.

But enough about me.
Ryan had something.

Yeah, Ryan.
Follow that.

She just lost
the love of her life.

Mine d*ed.

Yeah, like mont ago.
Uck.

Well, as you all know,
work has been a refuge.

My show is everything
to me.

You're in the arts?

Sports radio.

It's all scores, boobies,

and Schwarzenegger
impressions.

More NFL after the break.

I'll be back.

Yeah, go ahead.

Okay.

Steven,
who's supposed to be

my advocate
and best friend,

informs me that,
from now on,

my show is gonna be
15 minutes shorter.

Can you believe that?
15 minutes shorter.

So, Simone,
where are you staying?

- Will you stay with me?
- Stay with me?

Me!

Anne, I'd love to stay
with you.

Yeah!

The kids are away.
I'll... I'll give you my room.

I insist.

You sure you don't want
to share a bed?

Simone.
Silly.

I'm in the middle
of saying something.

Is anybody listening
to me?

I am.

Steven was your friend.

And then he cut
your sports show

from 3 hours
to 2 hours and 45 minutes.

That is
the ultimate betrayal.

And you will be avenged.

And there goes the only person
who listens to me.

My bad, sorry.

I hit your sword with my back.

Here, Danny.
Let me help you.

Thanks.

Hey,
are these divorce papers?

You're finally giving

that cheating harpy
the boot.

I... no, I can't say
that I respect you,

but you seem less like
a cartoon dog to me.

Really?

Yeah,
time to move on.

Between us,

I'm sweet on somebody
in the group.

I am developing
the darndest,

most confusing feelings.

This innocent, mayberry
sexuality on an old guy...

Danny,
why is this paperwork

all about what
she is gonna get?

Who the hell
is your lawyer?

Some nice guy
Bonnie picked out.

Your wife?

Yeah.
We're both using him.

Makes things easier,
don't you think?

Hey, Sonia.

Did you know Danny
is getting a divorce?

Apparently, he likes
someone in the group.

Really?

He's gonna get taken
to the cleaners.

Can you help him?
Do you do divorces?

I'm a prosecutor.

I put sleazebags
in the chair

and divorce them
from existence.

I want you to think
about helping Danny.

But more importantly,

can I come to an execution?

No, you gotta give it a try
just once.

Hi, Mr. K.
Good afternoon, Carrie.

Wonderful to see you.

That is one slap
for every 7 1/2 minutes

you took from Ryan.

What the hell?

Steven, look at your car.

Sweetheart.

Hey, Lauren.

- God.
- There you are.

Namaste.

What are you doing here?

You've never heard
of boundaries?

Simone's not working out.

She's taken over the group.

I know it bothers you.

I can tell you're pent up.
I'm not pent up.

You know where Simone
is right now?

She's at Anne's house
with the group,

so that they can paint
each other's beauty.

What?

She sent me
an inspirational poem.

That stuff sucks.
That's your stuff.

- You get to suck.
- Yeah.

We need to eliminate her
from the group.

Ryan,
I'm gonna give you

the same piece of advice
I gave to Fausta

when she wanted
to fusilarte you

- after your first session.
- What?

Filed away.
Keep going.

Do nothing.

Trust me.
Trust the group.

And in time...

Ryan, you came.

Grab a paintbrush
and find someone

you think is beautiful.

You won't have to look far.

- It's not working out.
- What?

You. The group.

We've hit a nice stride
since I joined.

You don't fit.

Did you read the poem
I sent you?

No, I didn't read
the stupid poem

you sent me by "yee-ahts."

I realize
it's pronounced yeats,

but I'm mispronouncing it
to take away its power.

You're overreacting.
There's room for both of us.

You are wrong.

Everybody, a word.

Ryan, we find beauty.

I draw Owen.
He's naked.

Doesn't need to be.
Is.

Painting time's over.
She's gotta go.

No, no, no.
Ryan, this is Simone.

Yolanda is the one
who we don't want.

Okay,
that is not helping.

Nor did it help
when you turned

my friend's car
upside-down.

That is not
appropriate human behavior.

Okay.

Can we just say what is
appropriate human behavior?

Why all the drama?
We like Simone.

All right. I didn't
want to have to do this.

But you're gonna
have to choose.

Her or me, okay?

And I think
you will all choose me.

Except for
a certain Buxom someone

who I heard has already
tried to have me eliminated.

He knows.

So what's it gonna be?

Her or me?

Hey, Lauren.

Remember that thing I said
I wasn't gonna do?

It didn't go well.
Is that Owen?

Yeah.

Fausta gave it to me
as a consolation prize.

- Doesn't make it better.
- No, it makes it worse.

McBrian, your wife is asking for

to follow her in the divorce.

House, my car.

My m*llitary pension.

Seems like I might be
getting rooked here.

You're my lawyer.
What do you think?

I think we gotta take it.

It's why I pay you
the big bucks.

Danny,
put down the pen!

Back off,
you Porsche-driving,

coldwater canyon
mansion-living,

Harvard name-dropping
mother!

He has a new lawyer.

- You're gonna help me?
- Yeah.

You're so sweet.

Well... you can't let him
think that.

Now I have to...

Balance restored.

Thanks for joining us.

Our topic today
is team chemistry

and how it can easily be
undermined.

Our guest, Terrell Owens.

Terrell, so when you were
with the Cowboys...

I thought you brought me
here to apologize

for throwing fruit at me
the last time.

Right.
Sorry about that fruit thing.

So when you were
with the Cowboys,

they were
a Super Bowl contender, but...

That apology
didn't feel genuine.

I'm a person, Ryan.

Not a robot in, like,
those Schwarzenegger movies

you always talk about.

Okay,
well, we're gonna go

to the phones.

We've got John from Reseda.

Ryan, it's Simone.

I feel your impression of me
is way off base.

Been there, Simone.

I think you should give me
a chance, Ryan.

I spread awesomeness.
Let's go out one night.

We are not doing this
right now.

She's under your skin?

She sounds attractive.
Is she attractive?

You know what?
We gonna go to a commercial,

and we're gonna figure
this out off the air.

Thank you.

All right, Terrell.
We're done.

You need help.

What the...

Did you paint a picture
of me, man?

Hi.

You stay away from me.

- Look, you know me.
- No, I don't know.

And you know
I have a hard time

saying I'm...
W-rong.

It's easy for me
to accept blame.

I just have
a cognitive problem

with my silent "W" s.

It's weird,
I don't have any trouble

w-riting them.

I need to make amends.

I have brought you
this rare African grey parrot.

That's a pigeon.

I don't want your bird.

But I have to make
things right.

I slapped you,
I flipped your car,

I poured super glue
all over

your girlfriend's
computer keyboard.

Girlfriend?

- Who did this?
- Stop.

Mr. K,
I'm not even mad at you.

I'm actually mad
at Ryan.

I k*ll myself
for the guy,

and he complains about me
behind my back.

He doesn't understand
the pressure I face

from ad sales,
from audience erosion...

You know, forget it.

I don't want to bore you
with the minutia

of the radio business.

No, no, no.

I love minutia.
Explain it all to me.

- Seriously?
- May I take notes?

No.
You don't have to do that.

Carrie, take this down.

Danny, I asked you
to make

a list of everything
you wanted, and this is

what you've come up with?
Yeah.

The pullout sofa,
the wheelbarrow,

the History Channel.

Just the History Channel?

Sorry.

I just got off the phone
with John Lithgow.

Harvard '67.

So...

Ready to sign off
on my client's demands?

This is
what's gonna happen.

My client will pay
no alimony,

he'll retain his pension

and acquire half
of the joint assets.

If you want to take this
before a judge,

I will you eat you
for lunch.

You're not
a divorce attorney.

This is my specialty.

Yeah?

Well,
my specialty is winning.

And I can and will do
everything in my power

to get that jury
on my side.

Yeah, I can rile them up

over the injustice
that's been done.

Or I can make 'em laugh.

Or I can make 'em cry

over the betrayal

of a 1/64th Chinook Indian.

We stole his people's land.

She stole his family...

His dignity...

His heart.

Have your client sign
these papers now,

or I do this for real.

- Call John Lithgow.
- Tell him you're.

I know what
you're thinking.

What awesomeness can Simone
bring me here?

Just you wait.

Another round of drinks,
please, Charlene.

Yes, the old clocking
of the name tag trick.

My mom does that.
Nobody wants it.

What if our connection
to Charlene

could change our lives?

There are no strangers...

Only friends
we haven't met yet.

Yuck.

Let's deepen our connection.
Truth or dare?

You realize
we're not 14 years old, right?

- Truth or dare, dummy.
- Fine, truth.

Where'd you meet your wife?

My first radio job.

She was the daughter
of the station manager,

and he hated me,
and I asked Janie out.

And, I think just to spite him,
she said "yes."

I think that's why
she married me.

That and the fact that
I have a six-pack.

But in order to see it,
I have to breathe

all the air out
of my body,

and then cough, like,
really hard.

- Truth or dare?
- Dare.

Okay.
You know Charlene's name.

Now get her phone number.

Ryan,
that's the first dare

I've ever heard
that doesn't involve me

taking my clothes off.

Well, in fairness to me,

I didn't realize
that was an option.

Charlene,
we've had a great time,

and I don't want it
to end.

Why don't you give me
your number?

You won't be sorry.
I know how to do stuff.

I know how to do stuff too,
Charlene.

All right, that was good.
Nicely done.

Not surprised you picked
"dare" though.

You don't seem to be
that big a fan of truth.

Fine,
you want a free truth?

Okay.
Let's talk about your fiance.

The love of your life.

When's his birthday?
What's his favorite color?

Is he outraged
that the Monkees

are not in the rock and roll
hall of fame?

I don't know
any of those things.

I only knew him
for 24 hours.

Aha!
Tepid tragedy.

Does that mean that he wasn't
the love of my life?

How long did it
take for you

to fall for the love
of your life?

Not long.

There's a storm coming.

I can always feel it
in my dance leg.

Really?
You calling your sh*t

with a storm in L.A.?
Leg never lies.

Lady, you are either
the most interesting person

I've ever met
or a pathological liar.

I'll take truth.

What about me
makes you so crazy?

You really want to know?

Okay,
the person that I was

closest to
in the world d*ed.

And I try to keep it
all cool and together,

but most mornings,
it's a miracle

I can even get
out of bed.

And that group
really helps me.

I don't know how.
I don't know why.

But I don't want you
messing with that.

Come with me.

The viewable impressions
plus the roi should equal

advertising effectiveness.

But in a world
of time-shifted content,

the older rules
no longer apply.

You are w-restling
with historic challenges.

You get it!

You're the first person
that's ever

taken the time to understand.

Thanks, buddy.

Are we buddies?

- Can I call you buddy?
- Yeah, sure.

Buddy.

This is the best moment
of my life, buddy.

What now?

Should we go pull a prank
on some lesser pair of buddies?

I would like
to teach Ryan

a lesson about taking me
for granted.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Are we talking about
teaching Ryan a lesson?

- Yeah.
- I'm in.

Anne is a miracle worker.

I basically get everything.

So you're gonna be single.
That's exciting.

Hey.

Maybe you could
be my wingman.

Let me check something.

Yeah, yeah.

You wouldn't be
too much competition.

All I have to do is sign here,
and it is official.

Put down that pen, Danny.
We're gonna get more.

More?

The jewelry
that you gave her,

those savings bonds
from her grandparents.

The diaphragm that she got
using your health coverage.

I don't want a diaphragm.

Well, sell it.
Use it for a yarmulke.

We're getting it.

Don't you want her to suffer
for what she did to you?

No, I just want to
move on.

Danny,
the woman made a vow.

She promised to be there
through good times and bad,

by your side, forever.

She doesn't get to leave
because she gets bored,

or she finds someone new,

or she forgets to take
her damn heart medication!

You know, Anne,

it seems like you could start
talking about one woman,

but end up talking about...
Yeah, we're already there.

This all feels very
the wire.

Are we about to get "got"?
We don't get got.

I take you to a meet
so you get got or I get got,

but we don't both get got,
'cause it's not how it works.

Yeah, I don't actually
watch the show.

I know I'm supposed to.

You asked me
why I took you here.

I sent you a poem that would be
perfect for this

if you weren't
such a dude.

The world is full
of magical things,

patiently waiting
for our senses...

To grow sharper.

- You did read it.
- Yeah.

I told you.

Still think I'm full of it?

I'm not certain I care.

And it's pretty clear

you still have
a lot of anger towards Patty.

Of course I do.

If she really loved me,

she would have taken care
of herself.

You ought to cut her
some slack.

I got six grandchildren
I love.

But I still do things
that are bad for me.

Hell, I'd drop "e" if somebody
would hook me up.

It's not happening, George.

I can't even sleep
in our bed

because it reminds me how
every night I would say,

"did you take your pill?"

She would kiss me,
lie to my face,

and say, "yes."

You have to let
that anger go.

You know what allows me
not to hate Bonnie?

Blunt force trauma
to your prefrontal cortex

suffered during
basic training?

No. That just left me with
a few minor spatial issues.

With Bonnie, when something
she's done wrong

pops into my head,

I immediately think
of all the good times

we had together.

Do you think you can
try sleeping

in your own bed tonight?

I don't know
if I'm ready.

Here. It's right here.

You know, you said
you would be here for me.

I didn't think
you were being literal.

This group does not do well
with metaphors.

Plus,
we made you

a first-night-in-your-bed
cake.

This cake
is delicious, Fausta.

My secret:

I use an extra cup
of Brown sugar

and breast milk.

Okay, you know what?

I've changed my mind.

I don't think I can do this
tonight.

Wait.
You can do it, Anne.

Think about the good times.

You're right.

Thank you, guys.

I can do it, I can...

No!
Straight sex!

This is a very big step
for me.

Why here?

We were saying good night.

One thing led to another.

Guys.

Please.

Let's talk about
how we're all feeling.

We're listening.

I'm glad I could experience
this night with you.

And several members
of the group.

I could have done without
Fausta saying,

"I got next."

Did she mean me or you?

Me.
You get Anne.

Fausta's mine.

Good night.

Terrell?