01x21 - Fast Breakup

[bunniefuu]

[Crowd cheering]

Fan appreciation night
is an event

we take very seriously here at K-Bal.

You two have had issues in the past.

I need to know
you can make this work.

I'm a professional.
Talk to Dennis.

I'm sorry.

One of my illustrations
was published.

You were saying?

Look, I do a smart show.
I want to keep things classy.

This guy, a lot
of first-thought mimicry.

Plays to the lowest
common denominator.

There's clearly
a jealousy issue here.

Well, I'm sorry
if you feel jealous.

No, not me.
You.

You, the fake ball,
are jealous of me,

the person.

Why would I be jealous of you?

It's wonderful in here.

Life is simple.

I know what people want from me,

and I know how to give it to them.

How often is that
true for you, Ryan?

[Scoffs]

Not that often.

How's the love life, Ryan?

Guessing not so good.

Why is it so hard for you
to connect with people?

Let's have a special show.

[All cheering]

Thank you for coming, Ry-nos.

And I say that
because I'm Ryan,

not because you're large
and rhinoceros-like.

But thank you for being
the greatest fans

in the whole world.

Hey, is this where the
big balls hang out?

Seriously?

Do you want 'em to love
you or respect you?

Because you can't
have both, my friend.

Monkey it up.
You know you want to.

[All cheering]

All:
Ryan, Ryan, Ryan!

I hate you.

♪ $5 in my pocket, pocket ♪

Carrie, you'd rather be me
than the mascot, right?

[Sighs]

I can't keep having
this conversation.

- Hey, Ryan.
- Wow.

- Hola.
- Hey, guys.

Thanks for coming.

I never get to say this,

but who are all these weirdos?

Ryan's fans.

I have a date,
so I'm tapping out.

As the only woman here,
a little advice, ladies:

Stay in pairs.
Don't stop moving.

They will try to smell you.

But the good news is,
they fear eye contact.

What? Huh?
You want something?

Hmm?

- All right.
- Yeah.

This is crazy.

They all look just like Angus,
my ex-fiance.

Everywhere I turn,
Angus, Angus, Angus.

Hey, honey, let's get a drink.

I'm here.
We'll talk through this.

[Sighs] What would I do
without you, Lauren?

Aw.
What are you looking at, huh?

You want something?

Come on, Ry-nos.

They're just girls.

♪ Let loose, loose,
loose, loose ♪

Hey.

You didn't tell me
Lauren was gonna be here.

This is awkward.

The last time we were together,
I got a serious vibe.

What are you talking about, man?

She's about to get married.

That's when it happens.

Wedding day gets closer,
they want to make a mistake.

See, I don't want
to wreck a marriage,

but Lauren calls me,
I'm... I'm thinking about it.

- Really?
- Totally.

You telling me
you've never thought about it?

Everybody thinks about it
with everybody.

I've never thought about it.

I don't trust myself
around her.

It's time to de-sexify.

Undo the tie, ruin the hair.

Oh, my God.
You look even better.

Damn my Keira Knightley
cheekbones!

You know, I've always felt
that Keira Knightley has,

like, three too many teeth.

I'm just gonna stay
away from her.

You should be careful too.

She might come around looking
for her second choice.

Or third choice.

[Fans whooping and hollering]

Man, that guy does have a lot of fun.

[Cell phone dings]

Message one.
[Beep]

Ryan, it's ball, the mascot.

Sorry for the drunk dial.

Listen, I was just thinking
about you

and your inability
to connect with women

since Janie's passing.
[Woman laughing]

Sorry, I made a new friend.

Everyone wants to go home
with the mascot.

But do they want
to wake up with Dennis?

[Beep] Okay.

Message two.
Unknown caller.

[Slurred female voice]
Ryan, I want you.

You want me.
Come here now.

And bring a pizza.

[Beep] Oh, no.

De-sexify, de-sexify.

[Grunts]

How come it works when I do it?

- Ryan.
- Listen.

You want to blow up
your relationship?

I get it.

Am I flattered
that you chose me?

Yes.
But I can't.

What...
what is happening?

- You drunk-dialed me.
- No, I didn't.

No, the bad girl
who's inside you

who wants to mess up her life

with the hottest guy
she knows did.

The good news is, I've decided

I'm not gonna sleep with you.

Once you get over your disappointment,

you'll thank me.

I didn't leave this message.

I love Wyatt.
I've been asleep since midnight.

And I haven't had pizza
since 2009.

October 5, 2009.

Well, this is not awkward

because of the fact
that you are having

a dream...

A crazy dream.

Wind...You can fly.

You're gonna fly later.

I am aware
that I am not dreaming.

All right, just tell me.

The ball isn't here, is he?

- Ryan!
- Okay, I'm sorry.

- You're fine.
- Yeah.

I thought
you were freaking out,

but you don't need my help.

You're gonna marry Wyatt.

He's perfect.

Good night.

- Help me.
- What?

Help me.
I don't want to marry him.

- You just said you loved him.
- Feels so good to say it.

I don't wanna marry Wyatt.
I don't wanna marry Wyatt.

- I don't wanna marry Wyatt!
- Babe?

- Oh, my God!
- Nothing.

Ryan, what's going on?

You need her to fix your mind

or me to fix your back?

Mind.

Mind the gap.

Mind over matter.
Don't mind if I do.

I'll leave you guys to it.

I'm gonna go bake some bread.

It's that time of the night
my grammy would do it.

It's moments like those
I feel closest to her.

You don't want to be with him.

The bread-baking
grandma lover.

You have to tell him
immediately.

I know.
[Exhales]

This has gone on
for far too long.

Okay.

♪ The morn was fair

♪ the skies were clear

♪ no breath came o'er the sea ♪

That's the way he sings?

He is bringing out in me
a longing for the old country.

Oh, ho, ho, party girl
overdid it last night.

Party girl say what?
Party girl say, "yolo"!

Mm, you guys suck.

I had the worst night
last night.

Boys my age are idiots.

Yeah, I had a weird night too.

Apparently,
last night's festivities

included a rogue lady fan

who somehow got my cell

and left me a message
professing her love

for me and pizza.

Oh, don't say pizza.

The last thing I remember
is drinking

an entire bottle of red wine,

watching a Katherine heigl movie
on purpose,

and ordering a large pepperoni
at 12:30.

That's strange.
At 1:15, I called...

Oh, God.
Feelings learned.

Weird. Awful.

Ooh.
Awkward moment, huh?

Not in here.
[Chuckles]

Look, you have a Carrie issue.
We're all here.

Come work it out.

If I walk past Carrie,

she's gonna want
to talk about stuff.

There's nothing worse than
a relationship conversation.

Ugh, yeah, Patty was the queen
of "we need to talk."

I once stabbed myself
with scissors

to halt a "we need"
in progress.

23 stitches.
Was worth it.

[Yelling]
Well, do you like Carrie?

Well, yeah.

She's great.
She's really cute.

But she's younger than me.

[Laughs] A little!

I didn't say "a little."

The fact is that I'm her boss,

and it just wouldn't be right.

Then tell her now.

You got something painful
to do, do it quick.

When I have to give
a patient a sh*t,

I say I'm gonna do it on three,
I say one,

then I plunge it in!
- Oh!

Yeah, you're right.
No point putting it off.

Okay.

Carrie!

Listen, we need to talk.

Oh, thank God.
Okay.

Look, I am embarrassed
that I called,

but in a way,
I think it's a good thing.

Obviously, my feelings for you
are really complex,

but then there's our friendship,
which is real and deep,

and the friendship
just makes the real feelings

even deeper and scarier.

Hold that thought.

[Swingy rock music]

♪ When you touch my hand
and talk sweet talk ♪

That's it, mascot.

Just keep waving and moving,
nice and light.

♪

[Indistinct chatter]
Hey, hey, hey!

[All laughing]

♪ And when you take me
in your arms and talk romance ♪

- All right.
- ♪ my heart starts doin'

Hey!
What's up, man?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

[Cheers and laughter]
♪ I'm shakin'

I love this guy!

[All cheering]

This is better.
It's better in here.

Ryan, I think your inability
to confront Carrie

is symptomatic
of a larger avoidance issue.

I respectfully disagree.

Fausta, de-hat me.

Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Ryan, what have we learned
in this group?

If there is an issue,
we confront it head-on.

Listen to Lauren.
She knows about relationships.

She's about to marry
a great guy.

[Laughing] Yes, I am, Yolanda.

- I'm sorry?
- Now let's talk

about your bachelorette party
tomorrow night.

[Women squeal and giggle]

- Oh, boy.
- 'Scuse me.

You're still having
your bachelorette party?

Ladies only.
Sorry, pal.

In advance of the wedding
that you're still having.

You, who runs a group
teaching people

to confront things head-on.

[Laughs] Oh, Ryan, I see

what you're getting at,
and I am right there with you.

We are going to crash this thing
bosom buddies style.

We have this party
all worked out,

and since I am not usually
into situations

that involve yelping girliness
and oiled-up men,

I'm planning to...

[Chuckles]
pre-medicate...

with certain baked goods

that an associate
has been prescribed

of the herbal...

Just say weed.

No.

I thought you said you were
gonna call your wedding off.

I tried, but he's so sweet
and innocent

and his face and his eyes,
and he smells like fresh bread.

So you just bailed?
That's awful.

You know what?

I'm glad I didn't sleep
with you last night.

That was not an option.

[Laughs] Okay, okay.

I tried to scare him off

with all these crazy
wedding demands.

I told him that he had to take
my name.

I said I've been Lauren Bennett
my whole life,

and if anybody's gonna change
their name, it's him.

Well, he's never going
to agree to all of that.

Oh, yeah?
[Beep]

You've reached Wyatt Bennett.

To leave a message
for Wyatt Bennett, press one.

For Bennett chiropractic...
[Beep]

What is the matter
with this guy?

Has he no pride?

- I mean...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Listen,
why don't you tell Wyatt,

"the way that you feel
about me,

"I wish I felt about you,
but I don't,

"and we have to do something
about it right now,

before we ruin
both of our lives"?

That's good.

You know, if I were you,
I would say to Carrie,

"I care for you deeply,

"but our friendship
means too much.

I can't risk it."

That's really good too.

Okay, okay, I got an idea.

Why don't I tell Wyatt
your thing...

Mm-hmm?

And you tell Carrie my thing?

[Inhales]

Is that
your "this is the dumbest man

in the world" look

or the "hey, this plan
could work" look?

It's both.

But what else is gonna work?

All right, we'll do it.
We'll do it tomorrow.

Okay, but you gotta do it
before the bachelorette party

'cause I can't tell the ladies
before Wyatt finds out.

Okay, all right.

I've been me long enough.
- Yep.

Time to go back to paradise.

[Sighs]

Whoa!

[Cheers and applause]

I don't even know
how to do that!

Thank you!
I fell.

Hi. K-Bal.
How may I help you?

Ryan, thanks for coming in.

Ooh, new iPad mini?

Yeah, got it at the
Apple store last night.

That's great.

Listen, we have a problem.

Last night, our mascot made
an unauthorized appearance

at the local mall...

As seen here in this recently
posted YouTube video.

[Crowd cheering]

[Funky music playing]

♪

- Thoughts?
- Wow.

That dude's got some moves.

Pop and lock
into the cabbage patch

into the Hulk Hogan.

[Laughs]
"I can't hear you!"

My guess is, he can hear them.

He just wants them
to be louder.

Yeah. His moves remind me
of some moves

you used to bust out
in college.

Hmm.

Course, your go-to was
the sprinkler.

[Crowd cheers wildly]

You're not insinuating
that I put on the costume

and went to a mall.

Their security sent me
this footage.

Look, he drives a Porsche
just like yours.

The valet was
incredibly insulted.

He's keeping the 20
that was thrown at him.

20? It was supposed
to be a 5.

It's impossible to see
in that thing.

- Aha!
- Okay, yes, fine.

I put it on at first
to avoid Carrie,

but then...
Dennis was right.

It's wonderful in that thing.

Ryan, when you manage
a sports radio station,

you expect certain...Quirks
among your talent.

It feels outside
of my sphere to explain

why one should not improve
one's life

by becoming a fake basketball.

A reasonable position.

So we're done with the suit.

Ryan, a Wyatt Bennett is here
to talk to you.

Oh, boy, that's gonna be
a really hard conversation.

Well, thanks for coming in,
Mr. Bennett.

How you feeling
about that name change?

It's taking
some getting used to,

but Bennett's a great name
for a chiropractor.

Better than Achenbach?

- Certainly less on-the-nose.
- Yeah.

But the bottom line is,
Lauren's happy.

Yeah.
Listen, uh, about that.

We need to have a talk.

What's up?

[Chuckles uncomfortably]

Well...

[Gentle Irish folk music]

[Sniffs]

Did you just bake?

Irish soda bread, yes.

[Sighs]

♪ She was born
with a silver spoon ♪

Ryan, it's Lauren.

The bachelorette party
already started.

Call me back
as soon as you talk to Wyatt.

I have got to put
an end to this.

Everyone is so excited for me.

And if Fausta could spell
in English,

I'd be wearing a very offensive
shirt right now.

On three... one!

- Oh!
Both: Whoo!

[All cheering and laughing]

- Hey!
- Hey.

[Laughing] Hey.

Hey.

Some of this?

No, thank you.

[Whispers] It's so good.

Yeah, I'm just gonna wait
for the food.

[Gasps]
Uh-oh.

- [Groans]
- [Slurred] I messed it...

[Laughing] All over her!

[Laughs]
I don't like when she's happy.

[Clears throat loudly]

I'd like to toast Lauren.

You are an inspiration.

We're not a group that finds
happiness easily.

And if a whore like you
can do it...

[Giggles] I got that

off a bachelorette party blog!

- [Guffaws]
- So get ready, "B" words,

for some saucy bantering!

To loose morals!

[All cheer] Oh.

- You are my favorite, silly.
- [Giggles]

- 'Scuse me,
I couldn't help overhearing.

Are you part of some kind
of grief group?

- Yeah.
- I need to speak to someone

about a horrible loss
I've suffered.

Oh, my God, of course.

It's the loss of my pants.

[Women scream and cheer]

♪

Grief stripping was my idea!

There's a black veil
over his privates!

[All cheering
and cat-calling]

Oh, Ryan, I forgot to tell you.

You don't have to come
dressed as a woman.

I'm not...

Okay. Lauren?

- Yes?
- We need to talk.

[Women cheering] Excuse me.

- Yeah!
- Whoo!

So did you tell him?

Well, first of all,
it's nice to see you.

Oh, no, what happened?

Did you tell him
about the wedding or not?

I did.

You're not making any sense.

Lauren doesn't want
to marry me next month?

Well, not next month,

because what she
actually wants...

We're getting married tomorrow?

You could not
have made this worse!

You would think that.

I'm really excited to have
kids with her one day.

Why wait?
Start tomorrow night.

You think she'd be up for that?

"For shiz"?

I've never used that word
before in my life.

I don't know
where that came from.

That guy just looks at you,
and you just want

to give him everything you have

and then form
an elite group of criminals

and try to get him some more!

You go and take that back!

I can't hurt him.
We shared a moment.

Both:
♪ oh, Danny boy ♪

♪ the pipes, the pipes are calling ♪

I never thought of myself
as being a singer,

but he made me great.

This is so not fair.

I totally fixed
your Carrie situation.

Oh, thank goodness.

Did you use the whole

"I value her too much
as a friend" thing?

That and so much more.
I was great.

Maybe you're right.
Maybe I'm not attracted to him.

Of course not.
He's vain and arrogant.

- Insensitive.
- Narcissistic.

Okay, a little light bashing
to ease the blow.

Yeah. Light-ish.

When you are 40
and in your sexual prime,

he's gonna be, like, 77.

Yeah, and he's not gonna be
any less needy.

- Mm-mm.
- He's still gonna be all,

"look at me.
Look at me."

"I'm Ryan.
This must be important.

Otherwise, I'd be crazy,
doing this."

I don't talk like that.
You're a bad friend.

What are you mad about?
I did what you wanted.

Well, I wouldn't mind
if she still had, like,

a little crush, you know,

so that maybe I could act on it
sometime in the future

if I so desired.

Oh, my God.

I enlisted the help
of the one person on earth

who is worse at relationships
than me.

Oh, yeah, I guess Joan Collins

and Cathy the cartoon
just don't exist.

You know what?
You can't tell him.

I can't tell him.

This is a sign
from the universe.

He's great.
I'm just gonna marry him.

What's going on?

Lauren,
I can't let you do this.

This is an intervention.

- Guys...
- No, Ryan.

She doesn't love Wyatt.

She doesn't want to marry him,

and she won't tell him.

That's not true.

She wouldn't lead him on
like that.

She's Lauren.

No, Ryan's telling the truth.

How could you do this, Lauren?

You're always telling us
to be honest.

They threw a bachelorette party

that I came to uninvited.

I am wearing a thong
that nobody asked for.

This is too sad.

Ugh!

This is why I don't do...

This anymore.

Little girl, don't do dr*gs.

You guys, I'm sorry.
I'm not perfect.

I'm no different from you.

You have to be better.

We come and we listen to you
because we think

you have the answers.
[Sighs]

To think I learned
to talk saucy for you.

Hey, baby,
I got a surprise for you.

Mind if I borrow her
for a second?

For shiz!

Wyatt, we need to talk.

"Sex hoko frent budge"?

What the hell does that mean?

Yolanda knows.

Yeah.

Has anyone talked to Lauren?
Did she tell Ryan?

I don't know but she didn't,

she doesn't get to be
leader anymore.

I mean, if she's as
messed up as we are,

why should we listen to her?

- I will be leader.
- But, Fausta...

Silence!

Hello, everyone!

- Hey.
- Hey, how are ya?

I'm great.
So...

Wyatt and I split up.

Yeah, it was tough,
but we're gonna be friends,

and we even had one
hoko frent budge for the road.

[Laughs] I'm kidding,

but that should illustrate
how fine I am.

What did you tell him?
What did he say?

None of those things matter.

What matters is you guys
and your healing

because I am here to help you.

So...

[Gong chimes] Let's begin.

I'd like to talk about why,
for the second day in a row,

Ryan is dressed like a woman.

Hey, Carrie.

Hey, Ryan.

You know, this screen
has a reflection in it

where I can see everything
that goes on back there.

Seen a lot of dancing
over the years.

Single ladies
may not be your jam.

I still want you
to like me a little.

- What?
- You're so pretty.

And I like you,
and when you're 40,

I'll only be 53,
and a vibrant 53,

and let's face it.

Emotionally, I'll still be
barely legal.

And I know we work together,
and that's weird,

and I don't know what I want.

I just...

I just want there to still be

a possibility between us.

You're right.
It's complicated.

We work together.

I quit.
Ball's in your court.

Wait!
Who's gonna bring me coffee?

Hey, who knows how to make
Starbucks come here?

She doesn't love you.

It's the suit.

Hey, where'd you get that?

Oh, Ryan, hey!

Listen, um, I'd invite you in,

but I have some buddies over,

and we're having
a big, ol' party, so...

Don't worry, guys!
It's not the cops.

When you say buddies,
do you mean pizzas?

And wine bottles
and pictures of babies.

- I'm coming in.
- No, Ryan.

I don't want you
to see me like this.

I let my personal life
seep into the group,

and that is not fair
to you guys.

You get a lot of comfort
from playing the group leader,

but every so often,
you need to be able

to let your guard down,

and you can do that with me.

I-I don't need
to think you're perfect.

[Laughs]

When I first met you,

if you'd told me you were
someone I'd be leaning on...

Well, when you first met me,
I wasn't someone

to lean on.

You helped get me there.

Ryan, that means a lot to me.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Let me stop you there.

I don't want to sleep with you.

Oh, boy, how could I
misread those signs?

- What's that?
- Woody Allen.

No.
No, it's not.

All right, listen,
I do have something

that might be a fun distraction
for you.

It's a little addictive,
but, man, does it work.

♪ $5 in my pocket, pocket ♪

♪ but I'm lookin' like
a million bucks ♪

You're right!
It's so much better in here!

Okay, well, let somebody
else have a turn.

♪

Hey, remember the other
day when he did a flip?

That was better, right?

Okay, kids, on three,

att*ck the ball.

One, two...