01x01 - Pilot

[bunniefuu]

- Okay, you'll be slated.
- We loved your tape.

You want to look right
into the camera,

bite that cookie.

Smile. It is, like, the best cookie
you have ever had.

Now, we're gonna ask you
to do this a few times,

you're probably gonna get full,
so I'm gonna want you to spit

in the bucket
when you're starting to get full.

- Okay, so bite, smile, and spit.
- Spit.

- Just bite the cookie.
- Let's start with the smile.

Are you married to this look?

Because...

- Take a bite of cookie.
- Big bite.

Mmm!

You're gonna smile, okay?

Oh, okay, and then...

Wait, no, no, not the dress.

So, bite, smile...

- Then spit.
- Yeah.

- Okay, so we can see your face.
- Bring it down.

- That'd be great, and chew it.
- Bring it down a little bit.

No, that's going up.

- All right, now spit.
- And spit!

There's a bucket right there.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

Sydney, hey, listen.
Hi.

You know how I like
to be conjugal on occasion.

Sometimes for the benefit
of the agency,

other times it's less philanthropic.

- Andrew knows.
- Don't involve me in this.

Last night I did some conjugating
on behalf of the company.

She was present, I was perfect.

- It was all very progressive.
- Zach.

She works in account management
at Chiat.

Nice girl,
I think you'd quite like her.

- Zach.
- They met with McDonald's yesterday.

We're getting fired.

That's what today's
meeting is about.

What? My father's in
with them right now.

Actually, he's not.

I've been flashing them leg
for 20 minutes.

I mean, that's assistant stuff, right?
Part of my job?

- It is.
- We all had to do it.

You ready to get serious?

'Cause this is gonna
get serious now.

I'm gonna eat
your little robot babies.

Ooh! Your kung fu is no good.

I could've been somebody.

Come on, bring it, gumby.

- Dad!
- What? Honey, look.

I got him on the ropes.
Does he not look gassed?

Come on, bring it!

You didn't knock me down, Ray.

Whoa!

You got knocked out by a girl!

Dad?

There is a roomful
of McDonald's executives

waiting for you,
and you're playing with toys.

It's not a toy,
it's an emotional surrogate.

And I'm not playing, I'm hiding.

The creature is here.

- Hannah Sharples is here?
- Mm-hmm.

She's out during daylight,
that can mean only one thing.

We're going to get fired.

No, we are not getting fired,
okay?

Look at me.

I love doing that.
Isn't she beautiful?

You have your mother's eyes.

And her adorable
captivating seriousness.

Do that thing that
reminds me of her, please.

Just once, it's so cute.

It'll send me into
the conference room

with a little spring in my step.

I'm leaving you.

That's it, that's her.

I feel like I'm back in court...
Take half.

Hey, you know
the authenticity pitch.

Indeed. It sucks.

I want you to just go in there...

What? It does not suck!

Yes, it does. Little voice
in my head told me it does.

And then this other
voice took issue.

Then they all weighed in.
Now the vote stands at 23 to two.

It sucks.

Lauren, do not encourage him.

The pitch is fine, okay?

It works.
I want you to walk in there...

I could walk.
I'm a good walker.

I can also amble,
I could saunter,

I could sashay.

I'm gonna go in there.

I'm gonna get it started,
and you will not leave me hanging.

- Never.
- Okay.

What is your name?

Wait, I know this one.

Simon Roberts.

The Simon Roberts.

You say it like that,
I almost think I could be.

Why don't you take a minute?
Just a minute.

Okay.

Okay. Andrew, be ready
with the artwork.

Zach, smile at anything
that moves.

And maybe lose a layer.

If it goes badly, two.

- Lauren, you want to be a producer?
- Yeah.

Produce my father in the conference room
in 60 seconds.

And in the meantime,
if you can...

- Inspire him.
- Okay.

Want to smell my hair?

Excuse me?

My grandmother told me
that smelling

a young woman's shampoo
can be life-affirming.

Yeah, awaken romance
and eternal... whatever.

Want a whiff?

For grandma.

She's right.

Our concept is real beef,
real potatoes.

Excuse me,
why are you pitching this?

Because I'm the creative director
of this agency.

You people are now officially
wasting my time.

Where is your father?

Good morning, everybody.

Welcome, clan McDonald's, ah.

Ooh, it looks like
somebody had an unhappy meal.

Sit down, Simon.
I have something difficult to say.

Is it "rubber baby buggy bumpers"?

'Cause I always struggle
with that one.

Although I have no problem

with "Sally sells seashells
by the seashore."

Maybe it's because I identify
with Sally as a salesperson.

You can't charm your way
out of this one.

Really?

- As charming as you used to be.
- Ooh... aw.

"Used to be," past tense.

We have a past
and now it's tense.

Authenticity...

- Real beef from real c...
- We're fired!

Is that what you came to tell us?
That's the rumor.

Zach sleeps around,
he hears things.

He may have even slept
with somebody here in this room.

Show of hands...
Who here has slept with Zach?

You have a pitch for me, Simon?

- I feel like I should.
- Uh, real cows...

with milk from udders.

My daughter.

Sometimes when I look at her,
I still see my babycakes.

- My piglet.
- Dad.

Remember the first time
I took you to Mickey D's?

You were five.
Buck teeth and pigtails.

That was just on me...
Weird year.

- Maybe we should take five minutes.
- Those were simpler times.

I was flat broke.

But I still had enough money
to buy her a happy meal.

Made me look like a king to her.

I miss those times.

- I think we need a little break.
- Yeah.

Yeah, we do.

This is a McDonald's spot
from 1972.

Zach, my man, help me out.

♪ So much life to be lived ♪

So much life to be lived.

Are you kidding me?

♪ So much to be tried ♪

Oh, so much to be tried.

♪ And when you share it ♪

- And when you share it...
- Are you gonna stop this?

...you get...

♪ A special feeling inside ♪
...a special feeling inside.

What if we take those lyrics
and upgrade the images?

Combine that
with the right voice.

You know? Someone wholesome,
someone incredible...

- Someone getable?
- Someone famous.

- Someone available.
- The refrain from that 1972 spot was

"You Deserve a Break Today."

And today
people really need a break.

Food is one thing, Hannah.

But a moment together
with family is everything.

Human connection.

Look at each other in the eye.

Those special moments
that are so gone.

So missed.

I propose we redo that 1972 spot

and take a chance
on making people feel.

You know how I feel right now?

Like a guy who's gonna sell
an ass-load of hamburgers

and some reasonably-sized
soft drinks.

Fine.

- Get me that voice.
- Perfect.

By tomorrow.

Even better.

Well, if she got on
a 6:00 out of Atlanta,

then she would be here about...

Okay, well, who is handling this?

Because I was told
you were the handler.

Shakira's people...
they're bilingual.

So I'm being denied
in two different languages.

We're screwed... Jennifer Lopez
wants to be paid in diamonds,

Mariah's at an ashram,
Adele's British,

and Pink threatened me.

- How we doing, kids?
- How we doing?

- Yeah.
- You over-promised.

If you had just pitched them
the authenticity campaign...

- They would've fired us.
- Who knows?

- You could've sold them on it.
- I did sell them on it.

By over-promising something
that we can't possibly deliver.

I always deliver.

Remember that baby hippo
at the zoo?

Maybe that was a dream.

Either way,
I was in my underwear.

Dad, this is not something
that you do to a partner.

My name is on the door now.

Really? I thought
that was my name twice.

Lauren?

Honey...

We didn't get fired, did we?

We kept the account,
did we not?

We kept it temporarily.

- Temporarily.
- Conditionally...

on the promise of delivering
this big, musical icon.

And last time I checked,

icons don't like
to sing about meat.

That is so not true.

- "Meat Me in St. Louis."
- That's, uh, Judy Garland.

- "Until We Meat Again."
- Diana Ross.

- "Meat the Flintstones."
- Wilma, ba-bam-bam!

Can you be serious?

Well, maybe for a second.
No, see?

Sorry.

Dad,
McDonald's is our biggest client.

If we lose them...
what are we gonna do?

Well, for starters,
I'm having drinks with Kelly Clarkson.

You remember her,
don't you, honey?

I mean, big voice, super famous,
America's sweetheart.

She's in Chicago.
I'm off to see her.

What are you going
to say to her?

I don't know,
I just know what I'd tell myself.

Which is what?

Leap and the net shall appear.

Although to be safe...

I'm gonna need some meat.

Zach...

Yes!

He leaps
and gets Kelly Clarkson.

Yeah!

♪ You're a troublemaker,
you're a troublemaker... ♪

You want me to sing about meat?

- No.
- No, no, please.

Not just...
Not just meat.

- I mean, it's about family.
- Mm-hmm.

- It's about people connecting.
- Mm-hmm.

And fries.
They also make great shakes.

Yeah, the problem is, boys,
I don't do jingles.

Well, uh, you know,

there's a lot of things
that I find...

- distasteful...
- And yet he does them

for the good of the team.

Sometimes...
just because it's Saturday.

- Mr. Roberts...
- Please, Simon.

- And Zach, right?
- Zachary.

You're looking
to remake your brand.

Mm-hmm.

I'm looking to remake mine.

Rebranding, perfect.

- That's what we do.
- No one does it better.

- See, the old Kelly...
- Oh, please, "classic" Kelly.

Kelly "classic."

Whatever,
I want to sing about sex.

- Whoa.
- Whoa, perfect, uh...

I want to change my image.

- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- So I'll do your commercial.

- But I want to sing about sex.
- She wants to sing about sex.

Whoa.

- Okeydokey.
- Great.

I... We love sex.
It's my favorite, and...

We just need to come up
with a meat-related sex song.

For a family restaurant, I mean,
how hard could that be really?

I mean, uh,
it almost writes itself.

I mean, you think of, like,
warm buns,

a hamburger patty, you know,
"I pat my patty."

How about, like, a pickle?

♪ Oh, stick a pickle in the bun ♪

♪ Now the fun's begun ♪

♪ Boss... ♪
♪ Ah-ah ♪

♪ Secret sauce ♪
♪ Mm, ah-ah ♪

♪ Drive-through loving ♪

♪ Drive-through loving, baby ♪

♪ Drive-through ♪

♪ Hot bag of love ♪
♪ Drive-through loving, baby ♪

♪ Open the window ♪
♪ Drive-through ♪

♪ Here you go ♪
♪ Thank you ♪

♪ Come again ♪
♪ Drive-through, drive-through ♪

♪ I will packet of ketchup now ♪

♪ It's not enough ketchup ♪

♪ That's not enough ketchup ♪

Oh, my gosh, are-are you planning
on writing this whole song right now?

No, no, we're just spitballing.
I mean,

the final version will
be even more polished.

I'll pick the song.

- Hmm...
- Ooh...

We are so fine with that.

- Perfect.
- Mm-hmm.

Where's Sydney?

What?

We still got it, you handsome
son of a bitch, yeah.

Look at you
before rehab and two marriages,

all full of hope
and everything, yeah.

Who's got the lightbulb
now, my man?

Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me.

- Dad?
- Huh?

You okay?

Everything's great, honey.
Kelly's in.

Deal's almost done.
Just a couple of major/minor details,

but she'll be here tomorrow.

- He got her. He got Kelly Clarkson.
- What major/minor details?

♪ Ah, yeah ♪

♪ It ain't the meat,
it's the motion ♪

♪ That makes your daddy
want to rock ♪

♪ That's right ♪

♪ It ain't the meat,
it's the motion ♪

♪ It's the movement
that gives it the stock... ♪

I don't understand.
He's singing with her.

How does that happen?
Just explain that to me.

He's Zachary.

He's singing lead, too.

Hey, Syd. Um...

Hi, Andy.

What's Zach doing in there?

And what are they singing?

♪ She's wrapped all around me
like a rubber band, baby ♪

♪ Yeah, it ain't the meat,
it's the motion... ♪

This is a sex song.

I know.
Isn't it fantastic?

No! Wha-what happened
to "You Deserve a Break"?

She didn't want to do it.
We're rebranding.

- This is the new Kelly.
- Hannah's never gonna go for this.

It's all I could get.

- What is Zach doing?!
- He's fluffing, he's flirting.

We're gonna pivot her
into the right song.

It's a Hail Mary.
What can I say?

Oh, my God.

♪ But I like to see 'em
big and tall ♪

♪ The bigger they come,
the harder they fall... ♪

We're gonna have
to sanitize that whole area.

Dad, where is the pivot?

- Wait for it.
- How much longer?

Oh, my God.

I'm about to watch America's
sweetheart orgasm in front of my father.

♪ It's the movement
that gives it the stock ♪

♪ Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah! ♪

Okay, can we stop?
Uh, whoa!

That's my cue.

- Showtime!
- Oh.

That's-that's-that's too hot.
You can't be singing that.

It's just way, way too, too...

Look, this, quite frankly,
would have worked

with classic Kelly.

Yeah, it was sneaky sexy.

- But this new you is super sexy...
- Ooh! Sss!

And you combine it
with a song like that...

Yeah, you woke up the puppet.

- I was, like, "whoo!"
- Hello!

It's too much. It's like piling
sex on top of sex.

Yeah, when you have
that much sex, you just got

to tone it back.
We need to filter out the sex.

Is there some sort
of a sexy filter, hmm?

No sexy filter.

A phallic fader?

- Nope.
- Vulva valve?

- No!
- Okay.

Well, you know, what if we did,
um, like, "drive-through..."

♪ Drive-through loving ♪

♪ Drive, drive-through loving ♪

♪ Open the window ♪

♪ Warm bag of love,
raise a glove ♪

♪ Can I have some ketchup and... ♪

♪ Come again ♪
♪ Thank you very much ♪

- I don't think Kelly's going for that.
- No, doesn't seem like...

No.

What if we went...

this is crazy...
in the opposite direction...

- Mm-hmm.
- ...uh, and just...

Like an unsexy song.

Yeah, like something
completely unsexy.

- Like, off the top of my head.
- Like what?

- "You Deserve a Break Today"?
- Oh, no, that's too unsexy.

That's like a vasectomy
with a melody.

No, that's...

- Wait... is it too unsexy for...
- New Kelly?

Nothing's too unsexy
for the new Kelly.

Guys, I know what you're doing.

- Really? We don't.
- No idea.

You want me to sing
"You Deserve a Break Today."

You're trying to pivot me.

Wait...
A pivot's an actual thing?

- It's an actual thing.
- Oh.

I hate being pivoted.
And I don't do jingles.

Thanks for coming in, Kelly!

McDonald's is 60%
of our business.

If we lose them,
it's gonna hurt.

So close, you know?

I just thought if I got her in
the building, got her going...

By letting her sing
"It ain't the meat"?

Which worked.
It was the pivot that failed.

I leaped.

There was just no net.

Maybe it's time to stop leaping.

Aw, come on.

These awards
didn't win themselves.

Hmm.

How much you think
a Cleo goes for on eBay?

Dad?

It is over, little one.

You must treat this
like a cleansing fire.

You will rebuild from the ashes.

And I, like a tribal elder,
shall climb onto the ice floe

and drift to my death

in the arctic night.
It is a good thing.

It will be a circle of life.

I was so hoping
this would work for us.

Us?

Sorry, baby.

Girl just don't do jingles.

I might have to sell my robot.

What do you mean,
it's not a jingle?

I mean, it's not. It's a song.

"You Deserve a Break"?

Yes! It's a wonderful song
about family.

Oh, you mean like the one

I'm trying to hang out with
right now?

Again, sorry
about your party, Trish.

- She's pulling up a chair.
- Sorry.

Okay, see, I don't do jingles.

I keep telling people this.
No one listens.

Kelly, the reason that I went
into advertising,

besides my father,
was the Apple commercial of 1987.

Do you know who was featured
in that spot?

No.

Gandhi, John Lennon,
Martin Luther King Jr., Picasso.

Did they get paid for that?

That's beside the point.

But the spot,
"The Crazy Ones"?

When Apple made it, they didn't
even have a product to sell.

They were promoting an idea,
and so are we.

The idea of bringing
people together.

Look at this.

I'm asking you to sell this.

Okay, so this "jingle,"
as you like to call it,

if sung correctly,
it can move people.

Make them feel this.

Show me.

Excuse me?

Sing it for me. Make us feel.

Here?

You've got ten seconds.

Right, I'm not a singer.

Okay, but go ahead
and get on up, do it anyway.

Okay.

♪ So much life to be lived... ♪

I can't hear you.

Of course, yeah.

Um...

♪ So many reasons to try... ♪

If you want me to sell it,
you got to sell it.

♪ And when you share it,
you get... ♪

Burn that diaphragm.
Come on!

♪ And when you share it,
you get... ♪

♪ The special feeling inside ♪

That's Kelly Clarkson.

You gonna drink that?

♪ So much life to be lived ♪

♪ So much to be tried... ♪

You did this.
Tell me how.

You showed me.

I just took a big leap.

And the net appeared.

You're my net, you know.
You always appear.

I think I was even a little crazy.

I'm nuts. Who knew?

♪ So get up and get away ♪

♪ Oh, yeah-eh-eh ♪

♪ Today-ay-ay ♪

The ghost that haunts us both.

You're still that guy, dad.

Yeah. I'm thinking of painting over it
and putting your face up there.

You do, and my next leap's
gonna be right out the window.

Oh. Just to let you know,
I'm changing it

from Roberts and Roberts
to Roberts and Roberts.

- Are you now?
- Mm.

Catchy.

After you.

I insist.

♪ Drive-through loving
Drive-through loving ♪

♪ Drive-through loving, baby ♪

♪ Open the window
for a hot bag of love! ♪

♪ Ooh! ♪

♪ Thank you very much ♪
♪ Come again ♪

♪ Booty shake, booty shake,
booty shake ♪

♪ More ketchup, please,
more ketchup ♪

♪ You didn't give me enough ♪

♪ Packets... ♪

Oh, my God! I'm sorry.

♪ Money sh*t, money sh*t,
money sh*t ♪

I'm so sorry! He went...!