01x03 - Bad Dad

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "The Crazy Ones". Aired: September 26, 2013 – April 17, 2014.*
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Loosely based on the life experiences of John R. Montgomery while he worked at Leo Burnett advertising in Chicago.
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01x03 - Bad Dad

Post by bunniefuu »

Now take a moment

and think about the most important events
between a child and her parents.

Watching her take
those precious first steps.

- Teaching her how to swim.
- Hoping she has her mother's buoyancy.

Dropping her off her prom.

Standing outside
with night vision goggles.

Even though Paul Doyle
was a gentleman?

Yeah. His sweaty handshake
was like slapping a catfish.

Remembering her first drive lesson.

And thinking, "How did she get so big?
Where did all that time go?

Shouldn't we be doing this
in her mother's car?"

[Singing "Cat's in the Cradle"]

Walking her down the aisle.

Kissing her cheek.

Letting her go for good.

These are the milestones
that your children remember, too.

The special times.

The times spent with their parents.

You guys are right.

I am going to my daughter's
gay wedding.

Yeah, you are! Who cares
if she's the one in the tux?

- Or that they're both named Karen.
- Mazel tov.

Now, you have a choice.

You could go with another agency.

But you'd be fools to

because no one has
what we have to offer.

A milestone campaign built
by a father-daughter team

who've experienced all the milestones
we just talked about together.

Except for walking down the aisle.
I'm not even seeing anyone.

I hope she meets a nice guy.

- Dad.
- Or a nice Karen.

This sounds great.
We're in.

- You two are perfect for this.
- Thank you.

♪ You know we'll have
a good time then ♪

♪ A real, real good time then ♪

♪ With your daughter
and her friend like a friend ♪

(Guitar playing stops)
Ooh.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

I'm going on a coffee run,
do you want...?

- You're off coffee. You're on gossip.
- Oh, good.

Because Gail in accounting
is pregnant

and she doesn't know
who the father is.

Really? Not that, them.

Look, Claire, I think we both know
that-that what we have, uh...

What we have is so much bigger
than space and time,

which means
it can't be contained by it.

That poor girl, she has no idea
she's being dumped.

That's Claire from the third floor.
You call her Cheryl.

Her name is Claire?
Why didn't you tell me?

You don't like being corrected.

ZACH:
You see my problem?

- I hope things never get awkward.
- He is so good.

If I had six months to live,
I'd want him to tell me.

And there goes Andrew.

He swoops in faster
than a pimp on a runaway.

What? I know stuff.

'Sup, ladies?

Oh, gosh, what's this?

Oh, my goodness, it looks like
the number of a young woman

who's about to make a regret.

Way to strike
while the iron's vulnerable.

It's not my fault I have a gift
for comforting emotional women.

- I'm one of seven sisters.
- You mean you have six sisters?

That's what I said.

It's why my shoulders
are so perfect to cry on.

Neither too hard, nor too soft.

They are just right.

Like Goldilocks' shoulders.

All right, I need to throw myself
into work

to get over the pain
of this breakup.

- You seem like you're gonna be okay.
- I know, Lauren, it's just hard.

She works on the same floor
as that coffee shop I really like.

And the foam on their macchiatos,
it's the perfect density.

You just don't come across that
every day.

It's better to have loved
and lost... a beverage.

I'm trying to be here for you,
but it's not easy.

I know. All right.

- So what do you got here?
- I mocked up the print ad

- for the new Crest campaign.
- Oh, I like the layout, Andrew.

- It looks good.
- Thanks.

Uh, where's the copy I wrote?

Uh, I felt it hit harder
with just the image.

I mean, they say a picture's
worth a thousand words,

so it was kind of overkill
with your two tacked on.

Yeah, but the slogan's
the whole thing here.

You're losing the poetry
of the language.

Uh, "Buy two"?
That's your poetry?

Uh, the poetry is in what I didn't say.

It used to read.

"You Should Buy Two."

- Mm.
- But this way it just sings.

Okay, Lauren,
you're an assistant, right?

So you're very close
to the common man.

Which way do you feel
is most effective?

Well, I'd have to say Zach's way
because you just called me poor.

- Yeah.
- Hey, everybody.

Guess what I have in my hand.
Hmm?

- Obsolete technology.
- (Buzzes) Wrong!

That colonoscopy video
you keep tricking us into watching.

- I destroyed that.
- Not the one in 3-D.

- Is it the Milestone commercial?
- Ding, ding, ding, ding, yes!

Take anything off the top shelf.
(Laughs)

Did the whole thing in two weeks
and now it's ready to show the world!

And I'll finally be present at the birth
of something I'm proud of.

Except you. You're cool.

Are you guys always this secretive
about commercials?

No, usually the art director

and the copywriter pitch it
before they sh**t it.

But it's not based on your memory.

No, but we had some
really good ideas.

Andrew took
his Spanish teacher to prom.

Señora Greenwald made me
an hombre that night.

We slow danced to the theme
from Friends.

That's where you got the amigos.

- I am dying to see this commercial.
- Well, it's a reenactment

- of me teaching her to drive.
- It's him trying to teach me how to drive.

- It was crazy.
- It was hysterical!

She had her braces just off...

- You should tell it.
- No, you.

No, really, seriously, you tell it.

- No, no.
- No, go ahead.

Are you sure? Oh, bless you.

It was classic moi.

Kind of sprung it on her really.

- I was so not prepared!
- You were not prepared?

I had just woken up in the back of that car
going, "Where are my clothes?"

(Both laughing)

Hey, but don't spoil it.

Come to the focus group
and see the birth of my favorite child.

It's just an expression.

You know? You're the best.

Oh, what are you doing?

You know the sodium
at the bottom is the best part.

Oh, my God!
I just figured out what you are.

You're Zach's remora.

- No, I'm not.
- I know, right?

Do you guys even know
what a remora is?

- Totally, it's the new Buick.
- You put it in your coffee.

Oh, okay.
You guys do not watch Shark Week.

Here, look. It's this.

A remora, or a suckerfish,

is a fish that attaches itself
to a shark.

See? Wherever the shark goes,
the remora goes.

Grooming him,
living off his leftovers.

- That's not me.
- Uh, the chips?

What about Claire?

What? I'm gonna take her
out for a cup of tea.

- That doesn't make me his fish.
- Ah, of course not.

Hey, I think my hair's,
like a little funky today.

It doesn't seem perfect.
I don't know.

It's just this pesky bang.

Oh, thank you, remora.

No. This is not gonna be a thing.

I think the shark decides
what the thing is.

And I think the shark's an idiot.

A shark's not even a mammal.

MAN: (Over intercom) So, as you know,
you're here to screen a commercial

the agency just completed.

Afterwards,
we'll ask you some questions

and invite you to fill out
a comment card.

- And then we get lunch, right?
- Yes, then lunch.

I'm sharing heartfelt memories
and Grizzly Adams

is worried about lunch.
Where did you find him?

- Soup kitchen.
- Ah.

He's kidding.
You're kidding, right?

Tell him you're kidding.

I'm kidding.
I'm not kidding.

- You're not kidding?
- I'm kidding.

MAN: You know what we're
going to do today, honey?

- What?
- Learn to drive!

GIRL:
But we're on the Interstate.

- Take the wheel!
- Dad, did you stop taking your meds?

- MAN: Only for a couple of days...
- GIRL: I've never done this before.

MAN: That's okay,
can't learn in the passenger seat.

GIRL:
I don't know how to do this!

Did this actually happen to you?

- Uh, not exactly.
- Sydney had braces and I had a perm.

Too much hair and teeth.
You know, ooh.

GIRL: We're in the middle
of a motorcycle rally!

MAN: That's right, if you drive here,
you can drive anywhere!

- GIRL: Which one is the brake?!
- MAN: Got to figure it out.

- I'm gonna listen to some music.
- Stop it, Dad!

Why are you doing this to me?

'Cause you never know what life
is going to throw at you!

(Girl screams)

MAN 2:
Allstate Insurance.

Protecting you
through life's milestones.

Okay, so what did we think
of the commercial?

Aw, I thought it was hilarious!

- Oh, yeah?
- So, why?

'Cause that would never happen
in real life.

- I was scared for the little girl.
- You were scared, okay.

I think you were supposed
to be scared.

Because he's a bad dad.

- Okay, bad dad.
- Yeah, that's the point.

"Bad dad"?

That's not the point.

It's not what we were going for.

But I-I guess you could see it
that way.

You don't see it that way,
do you?

Either way,
it's a really funny commercial.

Based on a hideously
traumatic experience.

WOMAN: I think they wanted us
to think the dad was crazy.

- Totally.
- You thought he was crazy.

- It was hilarious.
- Hilarious.

He's, like, the worst dad
in the world.

Really great campaign.

- You got a winner.
- Excuse me.

I'm wondering
if we're missing the point here.

Okay, you people are not allowed
in here.

You're tainting my focus group.

Are you the people who made
the bad dad commercial?

Yes, I-I mean, sort of.

I'm sorry,
I think you mean "best dad."

Because he was teaching her
defensive driving.

You know, all those distractions

were to stress test her,
to bring out her best

in the worst case scenario.

You people would throw her
out on the road

ill-equipped...
and you know what you get then?

Dead daughter.

Sure, it sounds nice
because of the alliteration.

But I assure you it's not.

It's like "k*ller clown."

It's all fun and games
until you walk into a room

full of busted balloons
and body parts.

- Maybe we don't bully the focus group.
- Thank you.

Okay, the only important thing
is they like the commercial.

Okay, don't take it personally.

- Right here, right here, look.
- Mm-hmm.

"Great commercial.
Smart and funny.

Love the bitchy daughter."

It's about the bad dad,
not the bitchy daughter.

You said those were anonymous.

My word is no longer my bond.

Can we agree we didn't raid a Mensa group
to get these people here?

This is insane.
Look at this one.

"If I were were that..."
Is that, that's "girl."

"If I were that girl
I would've never driven again""

And you drive all the time.

Actually, I don't drive.

I never learned.

Hey, what about that pizza?

Uh, no pizza,

but there are tuna fish
sandwich halves and chips.

No chips.

No chips.

Sorry.

Hey, I don't understand.

You have a driver's license.

Just that fake one you took me
to get so I could buy beer.

The beer was for me.

Liquor store people can be so gossipy.

How have you gotten
this far without driving?

I-I've only ever lived in big cities.

I just never really needed to.

Or maybe you've always
lived in big cities

because you were scared to learn.

You weren't that scared.
We laugh about the story.

Yeah, now.

- But was pretty scared.
- No...

I was.

Actually, I was kind of terrified.

Oh, my God,
this explains so much, Sydney.

This was your trigger moment.
When it all started.

When what started?

Nothing.

I'm doing that thing
where I give my honest opinion.

You are great.

I never knew you were scared.

I mean,
scared enough to never drive?

So that mug
you gave me was wrong.

I'm not the World's Best Dad.

Are all my mugs lies?

Do I actually like Mondays?

Dad, it's not that big a deal.
I repressed it.

Yeah, that's healthy.

There it is again.
I love your shoes.

Can we please just drop this?

I can't believe I said that.

I hate kitten heels.

Well, at least they distract
from the blouse.

Tunic top, really?

I know I had
an unconventional childhood,

but isn't everyone's first time
driving scary?

Mine was lovely.

My sister Pam and I
practiced in the parking lot

and then she bought me
bubble gum ice cream.

I learned to drive when I was visiting
my uncle in Syria.

He got sh*t by the m*llitary police

and I was the only one around
to drive him to the hospital.

Still I think
your experience was scarier.

SIMON: Okay, everybody, lunch is over.
Back to work.

We have to find a completely new
angle for the Allstate campaign.

Come on.

I thought the focus group
loved the bad dad ad.

Bad dad, best dad, Baghdad...
Who knows where they landed?

So much said in that room.

- Come on, let's go.
- Well, we have all this data.

Yeah, nine people in favor
of bad dad.

One person:
"So hungry, where's the pizza?"

So, go with best dad.

Andrew, go find Zachary,
get on that.

Lauren, do whatever it is you do.
Sydney, come with me.

We got to go meet
with Allstate right away.

- They're nervous about the budget...
- We're $10,000 under budget.

And besides, I just made
the perfect sandwich.

No one likes a braggart, missy.
Let's go!

- I could've taken that with me!
- Nope.

It's true, sandwiches are
specifically designed for travel.

Why does Allstate want a meeting?
I'm starving,

and all they're gonna have
is a stupid plate of wraps.

The sneakiest of sandwiches.

I mean, if wraps are so great,
what are they hiding?

- I don't know.
- Wait. Dad, you missed the turn.

No, I didn't.

And what's with hating on wraps?
I had a lovely one the other day.

Little hummus.
Went down quick,

and then it got
really Beirut down there.

So, wait, what are we...

- There's no meeting, is there?
- No.

You need a good
learning-to-drive memory.

One that's not so scary.

- Take the wheel! (Laughs)
- (Screams)

That's a bad joke. I'm sorry.
No, no, no, come on, I'm sorry.

Good memory starting now.

- (Screams)
- (Chuckles)

No, no. Starting... now.

Oh, God,
I'm all sweaty and nervous.

Now I know how you feel
when your probation officer comes around.

You're doing great.

Interesting choice, letting the car idle

and having the Earth's rotation
do all the work for you, but...

SYDNEY:
I'm mentally preparing.

Well, how about a little driving music
to help take the edge off?

(Marching band music plays)

No marching band music.

- Oddly, I don't find it comforting.
- Really?

It find that's the only thing
that relaxes me on the way home.

SIMON:
All right, there we go.

This is lovely.
Very, very... It's...

You don't need to slow down that much.
Try and pick up a little speed.

- There we go.
- I need a little less help.

Well, all right,
but just a little more speed.

Okay, now we're coming
to the stop sign.

We're coming to the stop sign.

Do you see the stop sign?
Do you see the stop...

You see... There it went.
That was...

Whoa. Honey, don't worry about the bird.
He's gonna move.

(Bird coos)

Honey, the bird's gonna move.

He's gonna move.

He's gonna move.

I honestly thought
he was going to move.

- The idea is not to hit the people.
- Look, I-I know that.

I think you have bloodlust
since you hit that bird.

Now just don't...
Don't-don't...

- Don't hit the person!
- I'm not going to!

If it's my father voice
that's disturbing you...

(French accent):
I will try to be maybe this guy...

- Look up ahead...
- No, it's still disturbing.

(Speaking French)

English is better.

Oh, no, no, no!

(Screaming)

SYDNEY:
Now?

Not now.

- SYDNEY: Now.
- SIMON: Not now.

Now?

Not now.

- Now.
- Now! (Sighs)

(Horns honking)

Not now.

So let me get this straight.

The good ad about a bad dad
made Simon sad?

- Mm-hmm.
- I'm a poet and I don't realize it.

Okay, what about this?

If we take the two types
of insurance coverage

and draw circles around them
with intended targets in the middle...

I drew boobs again.

Whoa, no, come on.

There's something here.

Just have to look past the boobs
to see the good inside.

I swear,
you boys are all the same.

Oh, my God.

I'm picking through your leftovers.

Your ideas, your food,

worst of all, Claire,
an actual human woman.

Oh! You know who's the boob?

I'm the boob.

- The sad, sad boob.
- No, you're not...

Lauren, let him have that.
He feels what he feels.

Andrew, I think that you are
overlooking the benefits

of this delicate ecosystem.

Look, if you didn't finish my food,

I'd get fat.

Right? A-And if you didn't comfort

these angry women,
I'd get k*lled in my sleep.

Now come on.

Let me see that adorable Andrew smile.

- Mm-mm.
- That beautiful little...

- Mm-mm.
- ...sweet, sweet child smile you have.

Like a little boy. Huh?

Hey. Hey, little guy.

Hey. I got something for you.

Bibbity-boop!

Bop, bop, bop.

(Laughs)
I can't stay mad at you.

No! I'm mad at me.

And I'm done being your remora,
picking through your leftovers.

Start sleeping with both eyes open.
(Gasps)

Like a shark!

No! Not like a shark!

Like a person...

who sleeps... poorly.

No, really,
that's how sharks sleep.

Tell me about it.

(Horns honking)

SYDNEY:
Now?

Now! Now, now.
Now, now, now, now.

For the love of God, go!

SYDNEY:
I am! I can't do this anymore!

- Well, neither can I.
- Why are you mad?

- I'm not, I'm just deflecting blame.
- No one is blaming anyone,

but if there was someone to blame,
he's sitting in this car

- and he's wearing your pants.
- Well, that could be anybody!

Listen, maybe driving isn't
one of our best moments.

But we had others.
I taught you how to swim.

By throwing me in Lake Michigan
and telling me to find the shore.

You found it.

Apology accepted.

What about that fun camping trip?

You know, the one
up in Wisconsin that...

Oh, the one where
you doused me in turkey urine

to "mask my human scent."

- Well, you wanted to meet a deer!
- Not during turkey mating season.

Well, who knew that
turkeys were so sexual?

There is no talking to you.
You're always right.

"Always" is a bit of a stretch.

(Sighs)

I always thought that
I was the fun, cool dad,

and I'd blame your mom for stuff,

until my shrink said
I couldn't do that anymore

and I had to fire him,
which was kind of a pain,

because he was pretty liberal
with the prescriptions.

The truth is,

I didn't do anything
to help prepare you for life.

I was just a scary, bad dad.

- No. That's not fair.
- Stop.

- No, it's not what I was saying, it...
- Stop.

- Stop the car, we're rolling!
- Oh, God! Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
- I'll handle this.

- You can't prove anything.
- Oh, what the hell?

Just tell your wife
to watch where she's going.

My wife? How dare you!
That's is my daughter.

Although my second wife was her age,
so I retract my indignation.

Well, you scared my daughter.
It's her first time driving.

Really? What a coincidence.

I'm teaching my daughter
to drive, too.

Why can't you drive yet?

Aren't you, like, 40?

No, I'm 30... something.

- Same thing.
- No, sister friend,

- it's not even close to the same thing.
- "Sister friend"?

Listen, she can't drive
because the first time I taught her

I sort of traumatized her.

It's all a blur, really.
Without naming names,

one of us was coming off
a three-day bender,

the other was worried
about a chemistry final.

You didn't traumatize me.

- Yeah, keep telling yourself that.
- Yeah, your dad's a weirdo.

- I prefer "nut job," or...
- Hey, hey!

He is not a weirdo or a nut job!

Okay, maybe he's both.
But that's good. I mean...

How many kids do you know
who can pick a lock with a hairpin?

- He taught me when I was nine.
- She's amazing.

- Or how to always split aces and eights.
- Otherwise, the house wins.

Or how to light a lady's cigarette.
You-you gently cup her hand...

- While never averting her gaze.
- It's a dying art, really.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about all the
things that I got from him

that might seem crazy to you,
but that I wouldn't change.

I'm creative and successful

because I never knew a normal day
until I left home.

And I owe it all
to this weirdo nut job.

Really?

Yeah. Really.

Well, the good news is

the cars aren't nearly
as damaged as you two.

We can let it go.

You're lucky.

I am.

Where did you learn that
Dukes of Hazzard thing?

You're a much better driver
than your mother.

Kind of.

- Hey.
- Oh, hey.

I was just wondering if I could
take you up on that offer to talk.

Um... Chin up.

Look... These are not for you.

I get that you're going through
a hard time right now,

and I'm sorry, and I really wish
I could console you...

- Okay.
- ...and other stuff.

- Mm-hmm.
- But I'm not that guy anymore.

As a wise Spanish woman
told me some 15 years ago,

"It's not you... it's yo."

That went against
everything I stand for.

Hey. How's it going?

Andrew's fighting his basic instincts
and winning by losing.

- Sounds like an ad for a Buddhist casino.
- Good news.

We have decided to embrace
the "bad dad" campaign.

The focus group loved it

and we've got a million stories
from our lives.

Like the time I taught you
to ride a bicycle.

I always thought training wheels
were for losers.

- I'm sorry, do you want to...?
- You want to tell it?

No, no, just do it.

You'll remember it better.
You weren't concussed.

You were such a trooper that day.

I remember wiping away the blood,
and there were

- those blue eyes, looking up at me.
- They're green.

Yes, they are, in this light.

Zach, walk with me.

We have to talk about all the ways
I've ruined my daughter's life.

Oh, you know what, Simon?

You have a little
schmutz on your back.

SIMON:
Schumtz? Really?

ZACH:
Yeah.

Are you seeing what I'm seeing?

Yeah, and I totally agree.

Those kitten heels are
doing her calves no favors.

No.

Zach is Simon's remora.

Maybe everyone's someone's remora.

ANDREW:
That's a beautiful thought.

You know what else
is a beautiful thought?

There's a woman on the third floor
who's weeping for these shoulders.

And whatever else, you know,
that she wants to cry on,

it's all welcome.

It's better than me doing it
on myself.

(Insects trilling)

SIMON:
You okay, honey?

I think I'm okay.

- This is good.
- Yeah.

We're nowhere near train tracks,
and this time, I brought food.

There's no escaped convict
in the area?

No.

And the nearest turkey urine
is still inside the nearest turkey.

(Owl hoots)
You can turn off the forest now.

Okeydoke.

(All forest sounds stop)
Night, honey.

Do you think you can sleep?

I think so. You?

Well, this'll help.

(Marching band music playing)

There we go.

Good night, baby.

Good night, nut job.

(Screams)

Geez, there's a spider.

Get it, get it, get it!
Oh... Got it. Good night, baby.

Yes, what I have in my hand...

That new colonoscopy.
No, it's not new.

You got it a long time ago.

And action!

Landed on the ball.

'Cause wait till you hear
what my first line is.

"Neither too hard nor too soft."

[Laughing]

Did this actually happen to you?

No, actually Sydney
was screaming way louder

and I was wearing an "ass-cat", just...
"Ass-cat"?

It was like...

Oh, it was just a phase.

Oh, no!
[Screaming]

Sorry...
[Choking]

Oh, my God.
I think I pooped myself.

That was weird.

I'm through being your remora!

Where did you learn
that Dukes of Hazzard thing?

Sunnydale.
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