01x05 - She's So European

[bunniefuu]

Helena's here.
How do I look?

Oh, you look great.

You're five pounds of heaven
in a six-inch heel.

I just got these shoes.

Do you think
she'll like them?

Why am I asking you?

You don't know
what's chic.

She does.
Look at you.

You got a girl crush on helena.
That's adorable.

I do not have a crush on helena.
It's business.

You know, she's
here to show us

Her new e-date site for seniors.

I'm just glad my dad
is taking lead on this account

Because elderly romance falls

Slightly outside
my comfort zone.

Wait-- your dad's handling
the e-date thing?

He's supposed to be running
the voice-over session for musk.

But I need him.
Helena's waiting.

Well, I need him more.

What the...?!

What do you got?

See, uh, stacked.
Uh-huh.

Nice can. Stacked.
Yeah.

Nice can. Something
about boobs and butts.

Who could think in this heat?

(sighs) yeah, when are they
gonna fix your air conditioner?

I do declare,
it's hotter in here

Than the devil's scrotum
in a hot tub in hell.

I don't know whether to check
my ass or scratch my watch.

(laughs) lord, yes!

Dad, I need your help with...

God, it is hot in here.

I need you for the
e-date meeting.

But you promised to run
the voice-over session.

Oh, sweet lord,
two attractive suitors.

I am positively swooning.

Ooh, my menagerie!

Dad, e-date meeting now!

Voice-over session.
You promised.

I did promise andrew.

Fine. I'll just go tell helena

That you made other plans.

Whoa. Helena's here?

Whoa, whoa-whoa-whoa.

Andrew, you'll have to do
the session by yourself.

You've done it
a thousand times with me.

Yeah, but I've never been
in charge.

I'm just the guy who nods at you
and sometimes shrugs.

It's your moment to shine.
Are you ready?

Really?

Good enough for me.
Helena awaits.

Now, zachary,

Does this shirt
make my eyes pop?

Oh, bluer than a yankee boy's
uniform.

Dear god, you could charm
the stripes off a baby zebra.

Come on, now!
Come sashay with me.
Be my pleasure.

Please help me. I'm starting
to get the vapors.

Oh, I got you.
Support me
through this moment.

Don't worry, now.

Here we are,
like bees to honey.

Like moth to a flame.

♪ oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

♪ oh, oh, oh

♪ oh, oh, oh, oh.

Simon:
You know, we did a
hell of a job on your

Other dating sites.
We'll do it again on this one.

As you know, we're
a soup-to-nuts agency.

Yeah, I provide the nuts.
And I really enjoy soup.

(laughs)
is it any wonder I always love

Coming to see you two?

Oh, we love it
when you do!

So, what are you calling
this new site, huh?

We're still looking
for a name that connects

With our mature
customers.

Really? How about
"gray down there"?

"it's just dinner
at lunchtime."

"prostate players."

You are both so naughty.

I love being naughty!
Yeah, spank me,
spank me!

But don't worry,
we'll nail the name.

How does this site work?

Well, our customer
creates a profile...

Mm-hmm.
Ooh, make one for simon!

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes!

Simon roberts.
Male.

Original hair,
mostly original parts.

Six-foot-two.
Actually, I'm five-eight.

Everyone lies. Six-two
is internet for five-eight.

You save five-eight,
you're peter dinklage.
Ooh.

So which parts
aren't original?

Wouldn't you like
to know?

It's my knee.

So who's this
voice-over guy?

Fred melamed.
He's a legend.

You might not know his name,
but you know his voice.

Cbs news, cbs sports,

Boar's head
meats and cheeses.

He's the boar's head guy?

He made me quit
being vegan.

Ah!

Mr. Melamed,
it is such an honor.

My name is andrew,
and I'll be handling...

I don't really need to
know your name, hippie.

Hippie? That's, uh...

By the way, listen,
that's corinthian leather.

Try not to ruin it
with your

Doobie-stained fingers,
all right?

Oh, I don't dabble
in the doobie.

Oh, I'm sure you don't.

Let's just see if we
can't get through today

Without you having to huff
on a hookah, okay, bob marley?

Just follow me.

Bob marley.

First question, on
scale of one to ten,

How sexually
adventurous are you?
Ten.

With ten including bondage
and light-to-medium spanking.

Four. Maybe a lazy five.

Hell, when
the moon's full, six.

With you, seven.
Let's just round it off

To a racy 8.5
and be done with it.

(both laugh)

Ten.
We'll get to your profile later.

Second question.
Mm-hmm.

What weather system best
describes your sex life?

If we're talking last summer,
I'd say hurricane.

Ironically, with a woman
named katrina.

(laughs)

At the moment,
bit of a drought.

Fields are dry,
crops are withering.

It is he who sits with his fist
is my tribal name.

A handsome
man like you

Should never have a dry spell.

It's a crime.

Felony or misdemeanor?
I don't mind being cuffed.

(laughing)
hey, sorry I'm late.

So, who's
getting cuffed?

No, nothing.
Your dad in some
weird sex act.

No, no, can we not talk
about this in front of...?

Heavens, why not?
She's an adult.
Uh-huh.

Sydney's not some
prudish american, are you?

Moi? No, I'm très cool.

I love hearing my dad talk
about his sex life.

What could possibly
be uncomfortable about that?

Besides, our web site's designed

To help older people
end their long dry spells.

Hasn't been that long.
It's only been

A month or so.
Zach:
A month?

Mm-hmm.
Can you imagine?

I mean, what even happens
to the human body?

Well, I could sit here and talk
about sex all day with my dad,

Um, but we have another meeting.

Sydney, I'm only in town a week.
You will make time for me, yes?

Yes! It's a date.
I mean, not a date-date.

It's a lady-female date.
It's more fun than a date.

Oh!
We'll have fun,
like always.

(both laugh)

Uh, next question.
Okay.

What do you
say to a woman

When you want to
make love to her?

"do you accept checks?"

(laughing)

Sorry, muffin.

We've all been there.
So cool with this!

(all laugh)

I'm glad she's cool with it.

Okay!

And whenever you are ready...

Sir.

All right, laying it down
in three, two...

"men today are afraid of women.

"well, I'm not scared
to be sexy.

"I unbutton the second button
on my shirt.

"you know the one.

And then I slap on some musk,
because women smell fear."

Well, I think that was golden.
Now on to the tag.

He's so commanding.
Very alpha.

Don't you think he could be
a touch less serial k*ller-y?

I gotta tell him.
I wouldn't do that.

Hey, uh, that was great, fred.

I just wondered
if we could do

One more,
and this time, um...

I can't hear a word
you're saying.

Spit out the bong water
and hold down that damn button!

Sorry. Uh, that was great,

But, uh, could we try one more,
just a little more up?

Up?

Uh, yeah, you know,

Just happier,
brighter, chirpy.

You want me to be chirpy?

Don't say yes.
Yes! Here's a little trick

That I learned:

Smile when you talk.

Because when you do that,

People can actually
hear the smile.

Go ahead, uh, try it.

Yeah, you know,
that is very good.

That is a really valuable
suggestion.

I'm so surprised I've never
heard that once before

In my over three decades
riding this mic

For the likes
of sony consumer products,

The nagano olympics, mci,
mercedes-benz,

The nfl on cbs,

All before you huffed

Your first can
of paint thinner, spicoli!

Sydney:
You know, honestly,

We shouldn't feel
uncomfortable speaking

About adult stuff
in front of each other.

You know,
when we're at work,

We're not father/daughter;
we're colleagues.

It's true.
I've discussed

My sexual peccadilloes
with many a colleague.

See? There you go.
I mean, you know,

The daughter in me says, "ew,
gross, that's disgusting."

Mm-hmm.
But, you know, the
colleague in me says,

"you go get yourself some
lady business, simon."

Oh, how I wish the colleague
in you hadn't just said that.

Me, too. It really creeped
me out. I'm sorry.

Andrew:
But we're not finished!

No, but you're finished.
What's wrong?

The boy can't pry his lips
off the bong long enough

To get the job done.
Sayonara.

Don't leave!

(sighs)

No, I think sean connery
was definitely the best 007

I ever had sex with.

When I grow up,
I want to be you.

Modeling in paris,
building schools in kenya.

Well, you had that story
about the dress you bought

That was on sale,
but you also had a coupon.

It was against
store policy,

But I was not going
to be denied.

See? You're a rebel.

I am kind of.

Mm-hmm.
What'd you do
last night?

I bet it was
something fabulous.

Last night? Let's see.

Ah, made love with zachary.

Zachary? My... My-my zachary?

But-but, what, zachary?
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

He's delightful.

He's like a naughty pool boy.

I've taken him as a lover.

Wow. You take lovers like I take
extra mints at the sizzler.

No, zachary is quite different
from the others.

He has the most charming
sex face.

I'm-I'm sorry. The what?
Sex face.

You know,
orgasm face. It's...

Oh, my god, he does not do that!
Do it again! Do it again!

It's more dreamy.

Oh, my god!
Yeah.

Sadly, I must run.

Oh, this was so much fun!

We should plan to do it again.

I never plan.
I'm more of a "drop by" girl.

So drop by sometime.

Au revoir.

Sydney:
The design looks great.

They look so happy.

Maybe a little less denture.

Hey. How'd it go
with helena last night?

You guys talk about me?

Arrogant much?
No, we didn't, actually.

This might surprise you,

But zach cropper is not
the center of the universe.

The late nana gert
would disagree.

(chuckles)

Don't do that!

Do what?

The face! Don't make that face!

(gasps) you know
it's my "o" face, don't you?

Oh, don't call it that.

At least helena called
it your "sex face,"

Which is way
less revolting.

So you did talk about me.

Fine, yes. We did.

We talked about you.

We're friends.

Helena has taken me as a friend,

And friends talk
about things.

Like your "o" face.

It's pretty great, isn't it?

But it didn't start out
that way.

My earlier one was, mmm,
something less than a triumph.

Oh, confirmed.
It was not a triumph.

It was, like...
(grunting)

Oh, that's it.
It's come a long way.

Say, does anyone have a
cyanide capsule I could borrow?

Oh, I might.

So, when are you
seeing helena again?

Soon. When are you
seeing helena again?

Sooner.
I'm on "drop by" status.

So am I.

(knocking at door)

Sydney.

Hi, girlfriend.
I was not
expecting you.

Well, you know,
you said to just drop by,

So I thought I would
just drop by and...

(toilet flushes)

Oh, zach's here.

God, I'm so sorry.

Did he... Did he make the face?

Not quite. This one's a grunter,
not a smiler.

A grunter? Someone new?

Darling, shall we get
breakfast or...?

Or a very uncomfortable brunch
for three?

Hi, piglet.

These images hope to capture
the romance and tenderness

Of couples finding love
in their golden years.

Oh...
Gross!

All:
Aw...

Kids are gonna see this!

Are we watching
the walking dead?!

Okay, is this about me screwing
up the voice-over session?

It's not about
you, andrew.

By the way,
I talked to fred.

He's willing to give
you another sh*t.

I have jury duty that day
and diarrhea.

That's the spirit.

This is about us.

Look, I understand
it might be

Awkward for you
if I date helena,

So I'll never
see her again

If that's what you want.
Good.

That's what I want.
Oh, come on! Really?

Listen, you told me I should be
out there pursuing people.

She's a person.

(sighs)

Never mind. Forget it.

I'll end it with us.

You really like her, don't you?

Yeah, I do.
I really do.

Even more, I like me
when I'm with her.

You're right.

I'm... I'm happy
for you, honestly.

Cross your heart,
hope to die,

Stick a finger
in your eye?

Been watching a lot
of the stooges again.

(mimics curly's
high-pitched whoop)

You know there's something
truly wrong with you, right?

(laughing):
Yeah, big time.

Okay.

Then it's settled.

Away from work, helena
is your girlfriend

And my friend...
Mm-hmm.

...But at work...

Colleagues.
Just business.

Yeah, we're partners
who don't let

Our personal
lives intrude.

I'm just glad
you're okay with this.

Helena makes me feel young.

Like my old self,
when I could

Out-zach zach.

Oh, god. Zach.

Zach:
See, this is why the lover
thing is so confusing.

Right? I mean, how many
are you allowed to take?

What are the rules?

It's not about the number, zach.

It's that one of them
is my father.

Your boss.

A fact that has
not escaped me.

Everyone know a pride
can't have two lion kings.

Do you think I should let
him be sexually dominant?

I think this
is a conversation

I never wanted to have
about my father.

And thank you,
by the way,

For ruining the memory

Of my favorite
childhood movie.

Oh, hakuna matata.

Look, I just don't want
this little comedy of errors

To hurt us at work, okay?

Or worse, hurt my father.

I do not want
to see him get hurt.

Yeah, he does have
that new knee.

Emotionally, you jerk.

Don't worry.

I'll take care of it.
Thank you.

Although it's not
going to be easy.

I'll never forget the
things helena showed me.

Big ben...

Tower of london...

Beefeaters.

Please tell me
you went to England.

No, they're sex acts.

Ew.

(simon whistling)

Hey, boss.
Hey.

Hey...

Nice sandwich.

Thank you.

You know, making
a great sandwich

Is a lot like making love.

It takes care,
patience

And a delicate blend
of ingredients.

More than one pickle,
the whole thing's ruined.

(laughs)

Funny you should say that.

Um, I-I wanted to talk
to you about helena.

Oh, helena.

As lovely as a poem.

I believe it was
robert frost who said,

"two roads diverging

"in a yellow wood, and I...

I took the one
less traveled by."

Yeah.

Turns out it's actually
been traveled before.

Quite recently,
in fact.
Really?

We have something in
common, you and I.

Besides great hair?

(laughing)

Uh, fred's here,
and he looks angry, so...

Helena has taken
us both as lovers.

So I was thinking,
I will deal with that.
Oh.

I see.

Yeah.
So you and

Helena are...
Yeah.

Was it...?
Transcendent?
Oh, yeah.

Mmm.
Oh, I'm sorry.
What were you gonna say?

Well, not "transcendent"!

Holy hell, how can I
compete with that?

I was feeling like a stud
when my knee didn't give out.

Transcendent?!

I've got pretty good game,
but give a guy a break.

Look, the good news is that

There is an adorable term
for men in our position.

Yeah. Bloody rivals.

Eskimo brothers.

Ha ha ha!
I'm not ready

To be adorable
with you just yet.

Look, s-simon, I-I get

That this comes as
a bit of a shock,

So I just want you
to know that

As my boss and
as my friend,

I promise not to steal
her away from you.

Oh.

Well, just out of curiosity,

What makes you think you could?

Hey, you guys,
helena's here for...

Oh.

So this is happening now.

My transcendent friend zach here

Thinks he can steal

My little mermaid
from me.
Oh! Great.

There goes my second
favorite childhood movie.

Just forget it.

I'm gonna finish
my sandwich,

And I'm not
sharing!

(grunts)
boss, boss,
let me just...

No, I got it.
I-I can help you
with that.

Geez.

Oh, god, don't make that face!

I got it, I got it.
(grunting)

Oh! Oh, god.
No grunting, dad. I...

(grunting)
oh, god, please!

For god's sake,
I'm your daughter!

No, no grunting!
I got it, I got it,
I got it...

Ah!

Great!
Look what you did.

Let her be!

This is exactly what I was
afraid would happen.

Look, we need to settle this.

Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Yeah.
Yeah.

(laughs)

I don't know why
everyone is so upset.

I enjoy you both,

But we're just lovers.
Uh-huh.

I love having sex with you...
Thank you.

...I love having sex with you...
Bless you.

...And I love talking
about it with you.
What's the problem?

I think you just summed
it up pretty well.

Really this just crosses
way too many boundaries.

Like a clown car
of complications.

Not to mention
it violates

All the rules
of client service.

I thought that I serviced
the client pretty well.

So did I, right?
You both did

A lovely job.
Sydney:
Oh, god.

Look, helena.

I love our friendship--
I really do--

But because of it,

I know way too many
gross things about them.

You know too much about us?

Uh, what about cheryl and
your "college lesbian" phase?

Simon:
How about the year
you grew pot in mendocino?

That month that
you spent stripping

At that little
place in reno.

I told you those things
in confidence.

And at least two of them

Aren't even true.
Helena:
You lied to me?

I-I thought
everyone knew.

I just wanted to seem...
European, you know?

I wanted you
to like me.
I do like you.

But you like me,
too, right?
Of course.

More than me?
I already told
you that I'm not

Gonna steal her...
Will you stop
saying that!

Guys, enough!

Okay, this
cannot continue.

No, clearly not.

You're making this
all so awkward.

Helena, wait.

Did she show you
the beefeater?

Oh, I love it
so much.

Lauren:
Okay, you can do this.

Is he a monster?
Yes.

Are you a professional
monster slayer?

No, because that's
not a thing.

But I believe in you.

(laughs weakly)

Uh, so...

We got everything
from last time.

It was terrific.

All we need right now
is the tag,

"musk, do not
be afraid,"

And then we're good.

Any way you want
to do it.

Fine.

Laying it down
in three, two...

Musk.

Donut be afraid.

All right,
that's a wrap on fred.

Did he just say,
"donut be afraid"?

Yeah.

Yeah, uh, that
was terrific.

We just need one
more for safety.

Again, it's,
"musk, do not be afraid."

Any way you want
to do it.

All right, fine.

"do not be afraid."
fine.

(sighs)
take number two.

In three, two...

Muskdonot...

Be afraid.

All right, then,

Tail lights on fred.

Well?
Do something.

Uh, yeah, we just
need one more,

And then we're
gonna be good.

Fred:
No, that was my last take.

There's a black and tan
with my name on it.

Good night, rookie.

Oh, no.
He's leaving.

(deep voice): Put those
headphones back on.

What was that?
You heard me.

No, I didn't.
You forgot to push down

The damn button
again, you moron.

Oh.

I said, put those
headphones back on.

We're not done
until I say we're done.

Well, look at you.

Tough guy with three inches
of soundproof glass between us.

I'd really like
to hear you

Come in this room

And say that
to my face.

To my face.

Tell my sisters
that I love them.

Okay.

Closer.

Now...

Say it.

Well, so much
has happened,

I forgot what it was
that we were gonna...

No. Wait.

You put those
headphones back on.

You're not done until
I say you're done.

Erase my browser history!

Fred:
You're shaking.

Like a young chihuahua.

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

You followed
your fear

And it brought you here,

Right into my arms.

That's right.

You passed the test.

You earned my respect.

So all this was just
a teachable moment?

I was grasping a boy,

And now I release...

A man.

I have only one more thing
left to say to you.

Musk.

Do not be afraid.

I'm not anymore.

Then get the hell out of here...

Mandrew.

Mandrew...

I-I can't even begin to
tell you how sorry I am

That everything
got so complicated.

How about from now on we just
respect each other's boundaries

And we will refocus
on your account?

Are you sure I'm not
complicating things

Just by standing
here in the lobby?

Will I be crossing a boundary
when I get in the lift?

(french accent):
It's not you. It is us, huh?

You know, in europe,
sex is a good thing, you know?

Fraternité, egalité,
sexualité, ah? (chuckles)

(texan twang):
But this is america.

We like our sex shameful,
the way god intended it to be.

That's why mormons
make love standing up--

So the big guy
thinks they're dancing.

I now know things

About my daughter
I wish I didn't,

Whether they're
true or not.

Mostly not.
It's okay.

But at the end
of the day,

Even though
she's my colleague,

She'll always be
my little girl first.

And I'm her dad.

I like that.

My sexually
neutered dad.

No offense.

Some taken.
Not neutered.

And we really hope
that you don't,

But if you choose to take
your accounts elsewhere,

We will understand.

And miss all this
delicious complication?

Not a chance.

(chuckling)

You three...

So delightful.

And so american.

Fred:
The recording
is completely finished.

And your toad-licking
lad there grew a pair.

A magnificent pair.
Indeed they are.

Well, hello.

Hello.

In a world where
love is blind

But only the
blind can see,

One beautiful woman

And one powerful
man will unite

To change the fate
of all mankind.

Really?

Tell me more.

What just happened?

I've taken her
for a lover.

Is it me, or is she
actually just a psycho?

I wonder if we'll
ever see her again...

Or if she's disappeared
from our lives

Like a sexually
omnivorous mary poppins.

Ruined.

Good job, stretch.

Mmm.
Wish I could say

I always knew you
had it in you,

But if honesty's
the best policy,

Let's just call this
a delightful surprise.

I think that's the nicest thing
you almost ever said to me.

Syd, just to satisfy
my own curiosity,

Out of the naughty things
you told helena you didn't do,

Which is the one that you did?

Not answering.

Stripping
in reno.
Can't hear you.

My money's on the pot.

Going to my
happy place.

College lesbian phase.

I was young.

Yes!

Both:
Don't make the face.
Sorry.

Ah! Mr. Melamed, it
is such an honor.

My name is andrew,
and I'll be...

You don't
really need to.

Oh, sorry.

(laughing)

Oh...

(laughing)

(high-pitched voice):
Such an honor!

Confirmed, it was not a triumph.

It was, like...

(imitates evil laugh):
Oh ho ho ho ho!

Ee hee hee hee!

(growling)

(whinnies)

(high-pitched grunting)

Oh ha ha ha ha ha!

(whispering):
What's wrong with you?

Man:
Once more, from the top.
(laughing)

You stinker!