01x09 - Sixteen-Inch Softball

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Lauren!

Think fast!

- Yeah, she's playing for the team.
- Mmhmm.

Actually, I'm into dudes again.

Women are just too much work.

No, we're talking about
the 16-inch softball team.

- What's 16-inch softball?
- It's basically

regular softball's fat sister...

same pretty face,
just bigger and easier.

Oh, right, the big rivalry

between creatives
and account execs.

Yeah. I started reading

about that in the
company newsletter,

and then I stopped
when I realized

I was reading the
company newsletter.

You know I write that.

That is such a cute top.

Morning, Muggles.

Simon, are you playing?

No. Please. I'm retired.

Besides, softball is
a young lesbian's game.

And I'm neither
of those anymore.

Last time Simon played
was ten years ago

when he single-handedly won
the game for the Creatives.

God, I would have given

anything to have seen that.

Anything.
Me, too.

Oh. That's why you should
read the newsletter.

Because every year,
I reprint the story.

That seems like
lazy journalism.

Look at you
in your sleevelessssop

and short shorts.
It was my first game.

I didn't know what to wear,
so I went Richard Simmons.

Simon's kind of a legend.

They say it was one

of the greatest sports moments
of all time.

Please, no need to
rehash my glory days.

Besides, we have to work on
the Rice Krispies campaign.

Yeah. We have a lot of
work to do, people.

Let's focus up, guys.

It was a late fall evening.

The last of the fireflies
were winking in the night.

The air was crisp
with a hint of warm brown sugar.

We had just landed
the Bath & Body Works account.

And Simon Roberts
steps up to bat

and, boom, hits
four home runs...

Bitch, it was five.

If you're going to tell
the story, tell it right.

This is is how it happened.

It all came down
to the final play.

I was at home plate,
bases were loaded.

And there on the mound

was my nemesis,
my business partner,

Gordon Lewis, glaring at me
like a Yeti on cr*ck.

You're goin' down, Roberts.

It's a good impression.

- Thank you.
- And that's when I did...

the point, a little move
I borrowed from Babe Ruth.

- The point...
- Sorry.

...halfway
between the sky

and Gordon's
Easter Island face.

And then, time changed.

It was like
everything went into...

slow motion.

And the fateful pitch

came at me.

Sydney, the fateful pitch
came at me.

- Ah...
- Shh, shh, shh, shh.

And I hammered it. Ah!

It went it up, up, up.

And a little more up. Yeah!

Straight over

the center field fence,
exactly where I pointed!

And the crowd went wild!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Give me! Give me! Give me!

Oh, yeah!
Yeah!

And I'll never forget the look
on Gordon's fafa when he said,

Simon Roberts, you...

Lucky son of a bitch.

Um....could we have
our ball back?

It's mine now, kid.

Fun's over.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh-h... oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh. ♪

I don't know. Do you think Snap
and Crackle are too far apart?

Yeah, but Pop wants it that way.

See, he's secretly in love
with Snap, and though

he appreciates Crackle's ideas,
Pop's ready to move on.

Just he and Snap
starting over somewhere fresh.

I stayed late last night,
and thoughts came to me.

Gordon Lewis
is bringing baked goods!

I call the ladies' room.
Every man for himself.

What's the big deal?

It's just some
rosemary shortbread

that my husband made.

Butter, sugar, suppressed rage
for a directionless life.

Which is also the name of
his play that went nowhere.

We see you with baked goods,

we think you're going
to fire someone.

Well, in that case...

you're right.

How did we lose
the Pocket Motorcycle account?

We didn't lose 'em.

We dumped them.

Apparently, they overestimated
the weight limit,

and a... a bunch
of fat kids got hurt.

Dad, I'm sorry. I know how much
that account meant to you.

Aah!
Whoa!

Kids are going to love this!

Well, I know childhood obesity
is a problem,

but why take it away
from the thin kids?

They did nothing wrong.

Look, you know the deal.

We get an account,
we hire people.

We lose an account,
we got to lay someone off.

Well, we'll be sorry
to lose you, Gordon.

But look at the positive side.

You and Timothy can spend
more time together.

Maybe open a little
dinner theatre,

a B and B.

I'm told it's a middle-aged
gay man's world out there.

Yeah, everything's
coming up Gordon.

Mm. All right, listen.

This is what we have to do.

We're gonna have to lose

one of your little baby birds
on the creative side.

Why does it have
to be our side?

Why can't we just lose someone
in accounts?

Accounts lost someone
in the last three layoffs.

It's creative's turn.

Absolutely not!
We're not losing anyone.

They're like family.

Brad, Asian Brad,
even Lazy Tony.

It's Tim, and he's not lazy.

He's in a wheelchair.

They're like my children.

Well, I'm not laying off
one of Gordon's Guerrillas.

Then we're at an impasse.

Okay, there's only one thing
to do.

Softball bet.

- Wait. A bet?
- Mmhmm.

That's right.
That's how we resolve

all of our major dilemmas.

Why do you think the urinals
are now a foot higher?

Okay, so that settles it then.

Whoever loses the softball game

is gonna has to fire someone
from their department.

- Done.
- And be warned.

I have the best team yet.

Account Execs are going
to destroy you, Roberts.

Destroy you!

In your dreams, Lewis.
In your dreams.

I just feel like
there's more to the story

of Snap, Crackle and Pop.

Where are you, lost lady?

I hate this.
I don't want to fire anyone.

Nancy. Hey, sweetie.

Tell her I say hi.

Yeah, lunch sounds great.

I'll just do a search for
a vegetarian restaurant

within a three-miles radius
that doesn't smell like B.O.

Okay, I got to go. Byesies.

Why didn't you tell her
I say hi?

Uh, she prefers the more formal,
"Good Day."

It reminds her of a simpler time

when people arrived
on time for dinner

and left
before balling the help.

- And you're lying.
- Yeah.

- I am. She hates you.
- Wait.

- Well, why would she hate me?
- Come on.

- What do you care? You hate her.
- That's not the point!

You and I are friends.
If she doesn't like me...

It's because of the kiss.

That? That was nothing!

So, you had a crush on me
for, like, two seconds.

And why would you ever tell her
that you kissed me?

Well, I said there was a kiss,
that lips met lips.

Whose lips lunged first,
I cannot say.

But you did.

I did. Yours lunged first.

Damn it, Andrew! You lied?

It was just easier
to explain that way!

And I couldn't not tell her.

Even if it was a lie,
I had to be honest with her.

I don't like this.

Well, if it makes
you feel any better,

her jealousy makes the sex
crazy good.

That is so good to hear.

All right, we have to optimize
our chances for a win.

First thing we have
to do is assign positions.

Okay?

What the hell is that?
Oh.

Andrew wanted
to introduce a female character

to Snap, Crackle and Pop.

You know, three bachelors
living alone in a cereal bowl.

You know, people talk.

It's brilliant, but I don't
have time for brilliance.

He has another one of those,
right?

Yeah.
Okay, good.

All right, who do we have?

- Um, me.
- Okay.

- Uh, Andrew.
- Nah.

- Sydney.
- Yeah.

And, uh, someone who wrote,
"Fire Tommy.

He had sex on your desk."

What happened?
We had ten people this morning.

People keep crossing their names
off the list.

I guess it's too much pressure
to know

if you screw up,
someone loses their job.

No, this is the time we should
be rallying together as a team.

You know what would make
people play?

- What? - If you signed up.
- No, no, no.

- I don't play anymore. - No, but
it would give everyone hope.

They need to believe
they have a chance to win.

- They need a hero. - Oh,
I'm-l'm really not a hero.

Come on, hero.

Sorry. Really wasn't
expecting that.

Oh, no. You know, it's
okay, though. There.

There you go.
I'm ready now.

- Okay.
- Let's do this. Yeah!

Come again.

Oh.

Oh, is there a glare?

Simon? Tell me more about Flizz.
She seems like a nice girl.

How can I lie to that face?
You're like a baby who shaves.

Okay, I can't play softball.

You hit five home runs
in one game.

You ever hear the story
of Dock Ellis?

I feel like you're about
to tell me an old-timey story.

He was a Major League pitcher
who threw a no-hitter.

He later admitted that he did it
while tripping on acid.

Imagine walking out

onto a field,
and the field is like...

30,000 disembodied hands are,
"I'm coming for you!"

And then, this nice penguin
hands you a ball.

All the pigeons
overhead starting

to turn into vultures.

I wonder what
they're talking about in there.

Maybe they're admiring my
new Rice Krispies character,

Flizz.

I unknowingly took a
play out of his book.

I was high as a kite. I remember
looking down at the field,

going, "Well, I look
pretty good, huh?"

I haven't played since.

Wow.
Yeah.

I'm not athletic.

I never was.

I once was tangled in a
jump rope for an entire day.

When they found me, they
put me on su1c1de watch.

So this is just between
you and us, okay?

- Absolutely.
- Okay.

- And you know what?
- What?

- I still think we can win.
- You do?

100%.

"Yes, ve gan." Like, "Yes,
we.."" That's clever.

You see?
No, yeah, , get it.

See, you say, "No
grande"" Nancy!

Hey!
Oh, my God.

Oh. I didn't know...

...you were going to be here!

Hi, Sydney.

Yeah, Nancy's just
taking me out to lunch,

so if you could just...

...just move your body.

Oh, you know, why don't I
just ride

down with you guys.

Oh, good.

So, Nancy, um, I have
a gift for you, actually.

It's a gift certificate

to the Peninsula for a massage.

It's a couples massage.

Well, which is it?

Which is what?
You said

you didn't know I
was going to be here,

but you had a gift for me.

So, you must have known
I was going to be here.

Which is it?

Your hair is so perfect.

It's like a wig!

Thanks.

Attention, Creatives!

I know t tse are fragile times.

I know you're scared.

And I know Tommy
had sex on my desk,

but still, I'm asking you
to fight for your team!

Are we going to let
Accounts take our jobs?

No, we're not!

What do we want?!

A new microwave! One
with a popcorn button!

That'd be great, but we still
need a victory on that field!

So I'm asking you to trust
me and sign this list!

Step up and say,

"I will play!
I will play."

Dad, you're playing?
Oh, my God, he's playing?

Yes.
Simon!

Simon! Simon!

No! No! No! No!
No! No! No! No!

No! No! No!

Simon! Simon!

We could always fire Tommy!

None of our desks are safe! No!

- Simon! Simon!
- No!

- Simon! Simon! Simon!
- No!

Okay, so, at one point,

you hit a ball over
a fence five times.

- I was a little enhanced.
- Your body

- should be able to do it again.
- Yeah.

We just need to remind it how.

Good, good, maybe I can
lead the team to victory.

I just have to
warn you, though,

I have a bad back, a trick
ankle, and a questionable mole.

All helpful information.

Let's see what you got.

♪ You got it, I want it ♪

♪ You got it, I need it ♪

♪ You have it,
I'm gonna get it ♪

♪ You got it, I want it ♪

♪ I say, ow, ow, ow! ♪

♪ Do the everything ♪

♪ Ow! Baby, Watusi ♪

♪ Shake what you wanna... ♪

♪ Ow! ♪

Okay, how am I doing?

- Be honest with me.
- Honest?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Well, you lack
flexibility, coordination,

and have no real comprehension
of the game itself.

- Plus your pants give you
a diaper butt. - Okay,

now be a little less honest,
remember you work for me.

- You're a natural.
- And the pants?

- So cute.
- Okay, so I've got

72 hours to be the best
softball player of all time

so someone doesn't get fired.

- No pressure.
- Boss,

you're psyching yourself out.

Maybe just let go of your ego.

Ego?

I don't have an ego.

No, God,

- who said that.
- I don't know.

- Ego.
- Haha.

- You know what?
- What?

Maybe we're thinking
about this the wrong way.

Really? As long as they believe

that they're playing the legend

and not the creaky tin man

standing before me...

- your words...
- My words?

...then we have a chance.

- You think so?
- Yeah.

- I'm a legend. - You
are a legend, baby.

You're gonna psych Accounts out

just by walking on that field.

You'll have Gordon shaking

in his size 20 Top-Siders.

We're going to crush you,
Roberts.

In your dreams, Gordon.
I've waited for this rematch

for ten years.

It's kind of like when
Carol Channing went

up against Pearl Bailey with
those dueling Hello, Dollys.

Oh, yeah,

I could have used
a sports reference,

but I chose not to.

He seems more confident

than you suggested.

You know what they say:

frightened people
are the loudest.

Ha, they say that?!

Okay, team,
this is our chance to win.

The only thing we have
to remember to do is to focus...

Nancy, hi!

Oh, I'm so glad
you could make it.

That bag is fabulous...
Nancy, is it Tory Burch?

- I almost bought one just...
- Sydney.

focus.
Focus.

With Simon on our team,

we cannot lose... that's my dad.

Okay, everyone, let's

play ball!

♪ Hey, ho, let's go ♪

♪ Hey, ho, let's go ♪

♪ Hey, ho, let's go... ♪

While we're young.
I'm losing estrogen.

♪ They're formin'
in a straight line ♪

♪ They're goin'
through a tight wind ♪

♪ The kids are losin'
their minds... ♪

I usually don't spend
this long on first base.

We could go to second or third.

♪ They're pilin'
in the backseat ♪

The ball. ♪ They're
generatin' steam heat... ♪

♪ Pulsatin' to the backbeat ♪

♪ Blitzkrieg bop... ♪

Come on, Sydney!

Simon, did you see that?!

Run!
Run!

♪ Hey, ho, let's go. ♪

All right, Simon, you're up.

What are the chances
it'll all come back to me

the second I stand
up at that plate?

Like, 95%.

- Yeah?
- Eh.

- All right, let's do this.
- Yeah.

You know him as the hero
of the home office,

but it's been years since
you've seen him with the hickory

in his hand.

S-S-S-Simon...

R-R-R-Roberts!

Simon, Simon!

Simon, Simon, Simon, Simon...!

You've got to be kidding me.

Aren't we overselling
this a little bit?

All that matters is that
Gordon and Accounts think

you're a legend,
so get out there and be one!

Yeah.

♪ Thunder,
ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ Thunder ♪

♪ Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ Thunder ♪

♪ Thunder ♪

♪ Thunder... ♪

Gordon's just walking him.

That was the plan.

Thank you, Baseball Jesus.

♪ Thunderstruck ♪

Ah, come on.

♪ Thunderstruck... ♪

Chicken.

♪ I was caught ♪

♪ In the middle
of a railroad track ♪

♪ Thunder ♪
♪ I looked 'round ♪

♪ And I knew there
was no turnin' back ♪

♪ Thunder ♪

♪ Thunderstruck... ♪

♪ Thunderstruck
♪ Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ Thunderstruck ♪

♪ Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ You've been thunderstruck. ♪

Hey, Gordon,

I got ten bucks
to donate to your walk-a-thon.

Honey, walk-a-thons do
a lot of good.

I raised you better than that.

Well, I'm just saying, how
about throwing an actual pitch?

Time-out!

What's going on? He's
really going to do this.

Just try your best. No one's going to
be upset with you if you strike out.

Except me.

Look at those faces.

I have a confession.

I enjoy being a legend.

This is the last
ten seconds I have

of everyone.
Believing the myth.

How do I go back to
being an ordinary man?

Is it selfish I want to
make this all about me?

That's the very definition
of selfish.

How do I make this about
me and not be selfish?

Just go out there and try your best.
Uhhuh.

And if it helps,
still look up to you.

- Really?
- And really

is there an opinion out here
more important than mine?

- Well, there's my daughter. - You don't
have to say it... I know I'm number one.

For God's sakes,
get a room already.

All right, all right.

Ow!

Dad.

Are you faking that?

Of course he's not.

Are you, boss?

Wish I was.

Dad, are you okay?
That looked like it hurt.

I'm fine, I just don't want to
disappoint everybody, you know.

Disappoint everybody? This
team has never played better

- because of you.
- He's right.

All right,
look, let's get him to a bench.

There you go.

Get up here, Simon.

Oh, gosh, you know,
the last time we did this,

you were passed out naked

except for an egregious amount
of Mardi Gras beads.

Boy, was I relieved to
find out it was Mardi Gras.

Hey, Sydney,

is your dad okay?

Oh, yeah, he's
going to be fine.

Thank you for asking.

I'm glad,

and by the way, thank you
again for that spa thing.

I got a foot fungus, but
the massage was not horrible.

Welcome.
Maybe

after the game we can grab
something to eat?

I would love that.

You know, I eat anything...

ice cream, pizza,

- bacon double cheeseburgers
between two donuts. - Yeah.

Hey, did you see that?

You mean your slow descent
into type-two diabetes? Yes.

Sydney, you cannot be
friends with my girlfriend.

I forbid it.

- Why?
- Because

you and I... it got weird
between us for a second,

and now seeing you next to her,

it's just confusing for me.

Get a hit.

Come on, I thought

we left the drama at home.

Play ball.

- Whoo!
- Wh... oh, ow.

I'm starting to think
we shouldn't play sports

at work anymore.

You're going to be okay, honey,

just a little yellow concealer.

Oh, my God,

- Nancy, I am so sorry.
- You're a monster.

Hey, hey.

I tried to be friends with
you in spite of the fact

that you went
after my boyfriend.

No, I didn't, I...

If I can't have him,
no woman can.

Hey!

Who's gonna bat?

So I can strike 'em out
and get this over with.

I'll bat.

Dad, that's a broom.

I'll broom.

Is, is he okay?

I got this, baby, I'm back in.

He might be a little loopy
from the muscle relaxer.

I gave him a sh*t.

Wait, you gave him a sh*t?

Why is he running?

He didn't hit the ball.

'Cause he's a legend.

That's gonna leave a mark.

Come on, Lazy Tony,
come on, Lazy Tony.

Okay, let's see,
what do we got here?

Andrew... no.

Okay, come on, Lazy Tony.

It's Tim,
and we can't fire him.

I know, I can't find
his name anywhere.

This is not the way to do this.

Look, let me save you
the trouble,

and it galls me to say this,

but yesterday doesn't count.

You were high.

How can anybody hit
a ball like that?

I have no idea.

Well, then, how are
we going to decide?

Well, we're professionals

and we'll decide this
like professionals.

Pocket motorcycle jousting!

On your marks,

get set, go!

Oh, no.

Step right up... hit the
boom, make a sound...

- Hey, Lauren, think fast.
- Great.

No, wait, wait,
there's another option.

Hold on, go back,
I blew the line.

Go back, go back.

Give me the knockers.