01x12 - The Face of a Winner

[bunniefuu]

♪

Wait! Hold the elevator.

What's that?

- This old thing?
- Mmm.

Just a little tennis trophy
I won last night.

"Women's B-League
Champion...

50 and Older
Division"?

- Must be a typo.
- Ah.

Uh, I realize I might be wading
into shrew-infested waters,

but you are under 50,
aren't you?

Hey, no.
She's over 50.

You think Sydney would
lie about her age

just to win a tournament
against weaker competition?

- I hate you both.
- Mm-hmm.

- Say, isn't it illegal...
- Not if they don't check.

And when you think about it,

these people have been playing
for decades longer than I have,

so technically, this
victory means more...

I just wanted to win.

- There you go.
- We just wanted confirmation.

Now that we've untangled
Sydney's web of lies,

get me up to speed on
the video game pitch.

Well, we've been playing
last year's Medal of Glory,

and since I
consistently b*at Andrew...

If by "consistently"
you mean "almost never."

...I'll tell you,
we think a great theme

for the upcoming game
should be "enlistment."

Ah. Who doesn't
like to enlist?

Makes you feel like
you're part of something.

Totally. It's all a
recruitment campaign.

We're gonna have posters,
people in malls...

we'll rent out
storefronts

and literally enlist guys
to play the game.

I see.

All the excitement of combat

from the comfort of
your mother's couch.

Oh... mmm.
It's not bad.

Okay, Sydney, where are you at

with the Zen-Phoria Spa
campaign? Dazzle me.

Uh, I've asked Lauren
to assist me on this one.

She has first-hand
experience.

Yeah, I went to
the Florida Panhandle

School of Cosmetology,
Class of February.

- Good month.
- We want to communicate

to the customer that
Zen-Phoria is more

than just a spa,
it's an experience.

It's a lifestyle.

Something you can take
with you wherever you go.

B.Y.O.Z.

Bring your own Zen.

Great ideas. Mach
m*llitary game campaign;

thoughtful, sensitive
spa stuff.

This is exactly what
the clients are expecting.

- Thank you.
- Great.

- Fantastic.
- Great.

Which is exactly why
we're not gonna do them.

Okay.
Saw that coming.

Inspiration hit me
this morning

about 3:00 in the morning,
not like the old days.

I had just installed this new
app on my smart telephone...

- Also known as a phone.
- It's called Roadz, with a "Z."

The "Z" makes it kicky.
It tells you

how to avoid traffic.
It also takes you

to areas of the city
you never knew existed.

For example, did you know
Chicago also has a South Side?

Well, now I do.

This is what we need
to do with our campaigns.

You know?
Get outside our comfort zones.

Take the clients
on an adventure!

So what are you saying?

Lads on lotion,
gals on g*ns. Go!

Come on, put your hands
in there, yeah...

Simon, you did it again.
That's a great idea.

He did it again.

This happens every time
he downloads a new app.

He comes up with
some brilliant idea

that just makes
our lives way harder.

Yeah, we just got
this place cleaned up

from the Fruit Ninja incident.

Hai!

Payaya!

Ah! Hai-yah!

Maybe that's why we have ants.

Who gave him the password
to his iTunes account, anyway?

I mean, those parental controls
are there for a reason.

He said he was just
downloading books.

He's never just
downloading books.

Now we have to write
about spa crap.

Do you know what it's like
growing up one of seven sisters?

- Don't say it like that.
- I spent my entire childhood

evading people trying
to put makeup on me.

Then I'd have to go to school
in eyeliner and blush.

And then I'd get a black eye.
Then I'd have to put

makeup on it, and the cycle
of v*olence would continue.

- I want none of it.
- Well, neither do I.

It's gonna ruin women for me.

The makeup, the lotion,
the perfume...

Once you pull back the curtain,
you see things you can't unsee.

I don't want to know
how the sausage is made.

Yeah, well, the good
news for you is

you can't compete
over spa products.

Well, I bet you're
thrilled about that,

because you wouldn't
stand a chance,

being that your crow's feet
make you more bird than man.

Oh, I'm sorry,

I couldn't hear you
over those sunspots

you've been passing
off as freckles.

Boys, you're both lovely,

and I'm sure any man would
be very lucky to have you.

- Thank you.
- What about me?

I have to write
about video games.

Well, if an 11-year-old
can play them,

I guess I can talk
about them, right?

You know they're dropping off

advance copies of
the game in an hour.

- Super secret copies?
- No one's even played it.

I can't say for sure

they don't get laid,
but this does not bode well.

There are only 100 of
these on planet Earth.

Oh, it's beautiful!

- It's here!
- Oh, my God, it's amazing.

- Hi. How are you?
- Hi.

Please forgive
my associates.

It's very exciting.
Tell us more.

Well, the main difference

between this game and the last
one is that in this game,

you can upload
a photo of yourself

and play as an avatar that
looks exactly like you.

Which is, uh,
unfortunate for Jerome.

Yeah. What?
No, shut up.

I got this.
I-I read the manual.

Customizable avatars seem
like a great improvement.

But I really hope
you left the, uh,

rocket launcher locked
to the left trigger button,

because I love that.

Yeah. I mean, it's not,
uh, the most powerful w*apon

but who doesn't love
rocket-jumping?

Oh! Don't get me started
on rocket-jumping.

What map do you, uh,
rocket-jump on the most?

I haven't been
rocket-jumping as much

since I was an N-zero-zero-B.

Are you...

are you trying
to say "noob"?

Tomato, to-mah-to.
I mean, you know...

I rocket-jump in
Baghdad all the time.

It's the only way to get to
the top of the Imperial Palace.

You find the
Easter Egg up there?

Found it? Uh...

how do you think we
unlocked the bunny level?

Bunny level!
Bunny level!

Boom! Goes the bunny
'cause the bunny goes boom!

The Crazy Ones
1.12 - The Face of a Winner

Oh, my God.

This is ridiculous.
I-I had

a winning pitch for the
Zen-Phoria campaign.

There's no way
I'm gonna be able

to break into this
video game boys' club.

Are you kidding?

Those guys would do anything
to get next to a human woman.

Your idea was good,
but a winning idea

comes from looking at something
from a new perspective.

I fear an analogy
coming on.

Maybe you're wrong.
Maybe it's a simile.

You're right, it's an analogy.

A sculpture

tells a different story when
viewed from another angle.

Rodin's The Thinker,
for example,

when viewed from the front,
he's contemplating life.

When viewed from the back,
it's a guy on a toilet.

He could still be thinking.

See? It's working already.
You'll find your winning idea.

All you have to do is fall
in love with the product

from a new perspective.

But how am I supposed
to fall in love

with that stupid game?

- I don't even play video games.
- If only there was a solution.

We used the picture
from your company ID.

Oh, great.

I was worried you wouldn't be able
to find a terrible picture of me.

Don't worry, Syd. No one's
going to be looking at your face.

So here where
you can make changes

to your body, you know,

anything that you
might want to augment...

Yeah, I think I'll take a more
athletic body type, thank you.

Oh, what about the
women's 50 and over

tennis champion look?

I hate this game and
we haven't even started.

Okay, I'm top right.
Andrew, you're top left.

Syd, you're bottom left.

Lauren, you are the hot
one in the corner.

On your six!

It just vibrated.
What does that mean?

I just sh*t you.
Wh...?

Why would you do that?
Stupid game.

It's very accurate.

This is what
life would be like

in a contemporary
m*llitary engagement.

Look, there's a life pellet.
Walk on it, absorb it.

Hey, Lauren,
you just sh*t me.

No, it wasn't me.

It wasn't me, either.

How many buttons does
this damn thing have?

Who just sh*t me?

Think it was
Andre Sagassi over there.

Me? Well...

maybe this game isn't
so bad after all.

She's tasted
first blood, boys.

You two better
watch out.

You watch out.

Don't you make
eyeballs at me, maggot.

Watch out!

I mean...

video game's fun!
Yay!

Wow, your skin
looks amazing.

Not a pore on there.

I-I'm using
the Zen-Phoria

Practice Makes
Pore-fect regimen.

Here, smell that.
It's peppermint.

It's like a faceful
of Christmas.

- You're a show-off.
- What?

Simon told us to use the
products to inspire a pitch.

Like this one
I just came up with:

"Zen-Phoria:
Are you elevator ready?"

And if I may
answer for you...

- no.
- You know what?

That peppermint smell
is making it hard to hate you,

but I'm going
to take you down.

Oh, Sydney came in early.

I think she's wearing the
same clothes as yesterday.

That's definitely
yesterday's

last season's blouse.

Oh, hey, guys.

I'm just playing with some
friends I met in closed beta.

Die, Joey!

You're not gonna make it to 11.
I'm winning!

- I should probably talk to her.
- Yeah.

Andrew... let me
smell you for good luck.

That is so good.

Dad time.

Sweetie, have you
been here all night?

Yeah.

You told me to get
out of my comfort zone.

Well, my back's k*lling me,
I've had to pee since midnight,

so mission accomplished!

You know, the Zen-Phoria
people are almost here.

Yeah.

Quick comb through my face,
and I'll pop in.

- Sweetie?
- Uh-huh?

You may want to put your, uh,
"lady's helper" back on.

Yeah.

Seriously, quick coat
of paint and I'll be...

Ooh... Door.

Okay. Don't worry.

Is she okay?

Who among us hasn't
needed a little disco nap

to get through the day?

You know what?

Dim the lights,
put on some Enya.

The Zen-Phoria people
will think she's meditating.

I'll put a mask on her, too,

so they think
she's moisturizing.

- Ooh.
- Cosmetology school.

We're coming up on
our 46-month reunion.

- It's at the Ramada.
- Go February.

Oh, hello!

Welcome to Lewis,
Roberts & Roberts.

You've caught us during

one of our mandatory
spa-lax days.

We like to say
the campaign to happiness

starts with your chi
and extends outward.

Oh, excusez-moi.

I was just
pampering myself

with a Zen-Phoria
Sleeping Beauty Glo-mask.

Actually, I'm also
wearing that mask,

except I've
combined mine

with a Scrub You Later
oxygenation mask

for complete relaxation.

I think, chemically,

you're not supposed
to combine those.

Oh, really?
I feel fine.

Like a faceful of hot snakes.

Well, you know, you can't sell it
if you don't live it, folks.

Now, we believe that creativity
springs from serenity,

a sense of calm...

I just unlocked
Kosovo, b*tches!

Oh, Serbia, you're about
to go boo-yah-ka-shah!

We do a lot of work

with Eastern European
w*r veterans, and...

Will you excuse me?

I have to go conduct
an aura adjustment.

Zachary, will you
finish the tour?

Namaste.

I'd love to.

Because I am filled
with Zen-Phoria.

I also am filled
with Zen-Phor...

Oh, you run, but you
cannot hide!

- There's no hiding!
- Hey, Private Ryan.

Pause the game.

You know you almost ruined
the Zen-Phoria pitch?

Multi-million dollar contract,

not to mention
tons of free swag.

Sorry, I just got
really excited.

I know you did.
In my defense,

I had just unlocked
chemical weapons.

I am kicking ass at this.
I am winning!

Honey, you have to be careful
you don't get too obsessed.

I was just trying to fall
in love with the product

- like you told me, but...
- I know.

I guess I was wrong. I mean,
I'm not doing what you want.

I don't know what
you want me to do!

I'm really trying!

Oh, no, honey.
I know you're trying.

I know you are, okay?
I'm sorry. I didn't mean...

- I'm just, I'm really tired.
- I know you are.

You know, and you
keep yelling at me!

I'm not yelling at you.
I'm not yelling.

- Yell at me...
- I'm sorry.

Please, I'm so sorry.
Please forgive me, okay?

Okay.

Maybe the research phase
of this project's over,

okay, baby?
Maybe we'll get Lauren in here

and you guys can start throwing
some ideas around, huh?

How about that, huh?

- Okay.
- All right, listen to me.

You can take as much time
as you want.

- You're very pretty.
- Oh, you, too.

Okay.

Okay, have fun.

What just happened?

Andrew, I have to say,

those facial burns really
highlight your cheekbones.

Enjoy them while they last.

They're going away
thanks to Zen-Phoria's

Aloe Ladies cooling mask.

So, boss, we have
something that

we really need to
talk to you about.

- It sounds serious.
- Well, I'm afraid it is.

Whose hands do you
think are softer?

Oh, I knew this day would come.
I'll have to do the touch test.

Thank you.

This is so hard. I look at Zach,
and I think of clouds.

Then I transfer the softness
to his hands.

You know what?
I'm gonna put on the

Zen-Phoria
sexy kitty sleep mask.

That way, I can be objective.

You guys move around and then
gently caress my cheeks.

I think that way I won't be able
to have a favorite.

Mm-hmm. That's good,
that's good.

Simon, I need you...

Damn it woman! Can't you see
I'm in the middle of something?!

Winner, winner,
chicken dinner!

In your over-exfoliated face.

Oh, jokes on you.
I burn my face off.

Now what's so important,
Lauren?

Well, you wanted to see where
Sydney and I were on

the Medal of Glory account?

Yes. My hands are dry.

Hit me with some of that
sexy magic there, would you?

Give me some, too.

I have to admit,
your hands are softer.

- That's good.
- Thanks very much.

Okay, so where
are you guys at?

Well, um, Sydney said
it was important

to fall in love
with the product.

- It is. So did you?
- No, I hate it.

Sydney's so mean! She keeps
camping my spawn point.

Every time I come back alive,
she kills me!

Ten points. Ten points.
Ten points. Ten points.

That's terrible!
I raised her better than that.

That wasn't even
the worst of it.

I'm winning,
I'm winning.

I'm really, really winning.
Oh, I'm winning.

I'm winning,
I'm really, really winning.

Oh! Hello, loser's hotline.

It's for you.

I raised a bad winner
and a worse dancer.

Then it got really ugly.

You frag me one more
time in Team Death Match,

and... You know what?
Too late.

Well, that's how it felt.

You know,
it's all Sydney's fault!

I have to take
a smidgen of blame.

Possibly, I put
too much pressure on her.

- That's what she said to me.
- Classic addict deflection.

Wow, you're right.
That was always my best move.

Tell me about it.
My mom was an addict

for most of my childhood.
Wasn't pretty.

- I'm so sorry. I never knew.
- Nah, it was terrible.

It's, like, holidays ruined,
obsessive behavior.

It felt like she'd do
anything for a Whatchamacallit.

A fix.

No, um, a Whatchamacallit.

Similar to a Crunch bar,
but made by Hershey's.

Mom was a chocaholic.

- That sounds terrible.
- Yeah, it was.

Never knowing if you're gonna
get an Easter

'cause Mom's on a bender.

Her telling us the Easter Bunny
had skipped our house that day,

but we knew he'd been there.

Mom had just kept everything
for herself.

You know there's
no Easter Bunny, right?

Not for us, there wasn't.

Seems too fast
to be an addiction.

Sydney always was
an overachiever.

I'm gonna go talk to her.

Damn this sweet cocoa butter.

I can help you with that.
I got it, I got it.

- Get out of the way.
- It's greasy.

- Let me try again.
- Let me grab it.

- No, I got it.
- I think it's locked.

Come on.

- Guys.
- Damn it, woman!

Can't you see 're trying
to open a door here?

Sydney's leaving.
What?

Syd! Sydney!

Hey, Sydney,
where you going, honey?

Oh, I'm gonna grab
an early lunch.

Ah. I mean, the bandwidth
here sucks.

Who has three hours to wait
for the Lebanon DLZ?

Why is this place so stupid?!

Maybe we need to stage
an intervention.

I'm not sure that would help.
I tried talking to her,

and she used some sort
of Jedi mind trick on me.

I don't think a traditional
intervention's the way to go.

Maybe we don't
go traditional.

What the hell's going on?

Did I just wander
into a multiplayer game?

We're here because
we care about you, pumpkin.

Because you've been
acting like a psychopath.

- Lauren, that wasn't nice.
- Even when my voice goes up?

"Your addiction
has brought back

"painful memories of
my mother, waking up

"to a kitchen full of
chocolate cordial wrappers.

It's no way
to start the day".

Rum chocolates?

Are you sure your mother
wasn't just a fat alcoholic?

This isn't
about my mother.

- Are you wearing guyliner?
- The real question is,

are my eyes popping more
than your eyes? Yes.

Psst! Focus.

Honey, since you've
started playing,

you ruined
the Zen-Phoria pitch,

you've att*cked
people who loved you,

and you let your personal
grooming go to hell.

But we love you
and we're here for you.

We just want you to know
this is a safe place.

Thank you. I hear you.

I just want to say one thing.

Intervention over, b*tches!

Can't say I didn't
see that coming.

That's how my first
intervention ended.

Hello, Sydney.

- Dad?
- Ah.

How did you find me?
Oh, your Find-A-Friend app.

Yeah. Would have been here
sooner, except the Roadz app

tried to send me through
Lake Michigan.

I think she's trying to k*ll me.
Hey, sweetie,

I need to talk to you about
this addiction of yours.

Oh, God, why are you guys making
such a big deal out of this?

I enjoy playing a video game.

I mean, Desmond, you enjoy
playing video games, right?

I mean, you're not addicted.

I've been here
since Wednesday.

My wife's having
a baby right now.

See? Desmond's fine.

I guess this shouldn't
come as a shock

that you have addictive behavior.
You are my daughter.

I'm not addicted
to a video game.

No, honey, I think you're
addicted to winning.

Wow, this is all my fault.

I created an
expectation in you.

When you were little, I always
let you win at everything.

No, you didn't.

Gin! Yay! I win, I win!

I give up. Where are you?

I'm right here!

I'm so good, I don't even
have to hide my legs!

I win again!

- Oh!
- Yes! I win again!

I'm stronger than a man!
I never need to get married!

Why would you do that?

Honey, when your
mother and I got divorced,

we had such limited time, I
wanted to make it all positive.

I only had every other weekend
to make you like me better.

Guess that's why
I'm such a bad loser.

Oh, are you kidding?
You're the worst.

But the good news is,
we Roberts have a way

of channeling our obsessive
behavior into our jobs.

I once got so high,
I spent the entire day

stacking potato chips
into little towers.

I said, "Let's put 'em
in a can.

Let's call 'em
Stacky Chips".

I think they went
with another name.

Pringles? One of our biggest
accounts?

Yeah, but I like
Stacky Chips better.

It says what it does.
You know, Stacky Chips.

Well, if you're talking about
the Medal of Glory account,

I'm not gonna win it.
I hate it.

Honey, it doesn't matter.
Zach and Andrew have good ideas.

We're gonna win this account.

- I want to win it.
- Why?

So I'm still the best
in your eyes.

- Aside from Zach.
- Ah, that goes without saying.

Maybe that's my thing.

Maybe I saw you so little,

that I thought
you would love me more

if I was a winner.

Wow, we really did a number
on each other.

I'm gonna say it was more you.
I was five.

Apology accepted.

You think maybe we can
turn this thing off now?

Oh, my God, look at me.
I'm a mess.

I don't even recognize myself.

Wait... I just had an idea.

- What...
- Wait!

That's another thing us
Roberts are addicted to:

the dramatic reveal.

I gotta be honest with you guys,
it wasn't easy

coming up
with a campaign that captures

the blunt reality of your game,
but I think we found it.

I think we found it.

- No! Do not pitch to them!
- Why not?

Simon, I tried to stop her!

What's gotten into her?
Has she gone mad?

It's hysteria on the fact

of the account of she's
an unmarried woman!

What's happened to you?

I think I'm allergic
to lip plumper.

This game ruins
people's lives.

Honey I don't think
this is the time or

the place for this
unplanned intrusion.

No, they need to know what
this game does to people.

No, what do you mean?!

You see before you
a normal pretty girl.

Something your ilk
doesn't see very often.

Oh, she got you, dude!
Burn!

- She got you, too.
- Uh, yes.

Yeah.
Yeah.

This is me after four straight
days of playing your game.

- I was hooked after the first k*ll.
- Oh, yeah.

I fell down the rabbit hole,
and I fell hard.

- Big time.
- It was ugly.

I saw sides of myself that
I never wanted to know about.

I went 17 straight hours
without a pee break.

- Your best was 16.
- I know.

But I would do it again

- in a heartbeat.
- I'll bet.

Because sitting there in
that chair playing that game,

I have never felt
more alive.

- Did it cost me?
- Oh, yeah.

- You bet it did.
- Us, too.

But I wouldn't trade it
for anything, because that...

...is the face of a winner.

And I'm not alone.

Medal of Glory...
a game so realistic,

you can't help but come out
of it scarred for life.

Yes, yes,
that is amazing.

- We are in!
- Ha!

- No.
- That's cool. I'll call you.

- No, you won't.
- Dude, social cues.

You done with w*r?

- Oh, yeah.
- Welcome back, son.

- You know I'm a girl, right?
- A guy can dream.

That is bad.

Yeah, it's definitely
getting bigger.

What happens if it
doesn't stop plumping?

I'm not sure, but I have
an epi pen in my pocket.

If I pass out, you'll have
to s*ab me with it, okay?

- Okay. You win.
- Just s*ab me with it.

I win.

Kick ass! I'm a fruit!

- Do it right here.
- I've got cabbage in my belly button.

Right there.

- Got salad in every crevasse.
- I got kale in my eyes.

That's vegetable theater.

"Your addictions
brought back

painful memories of my mother,
waking up to a chicken."

I gotta go talk to her!

Damn it, woman, can't you see

we're trying to open
the door here!

I have an epi pen
in my pocket.

If I pass out,
s*ab me with it.

This isn't funny.

Lauren is a sad loser.

She's not a loser anymore.