01x09 - Two Peas on a Pod

[bunniefuu]

[♪]

Next up, the People v. John Gorman.

Mr. Gorman is charged with larceny theft

for a purse snatching.

Uh, Your Honor,
this alleged crime is so quaint,

it's actually charming.

It's an homage to a simpler time,

when people had the decency
to rob you to your face,

when a street urchin could pick
your pocket and warm your heart,

often within the same song.

- Objection. Hot nonsense.
- Sustained.

The State has a witness, Your Honor.

Would you mind describing
what you saw, please?

It's a crisp autumn day.

A blur of a man races by a street vendor

selling daffodils.

Behind me, a cry rings out... "My bag!

He stole my bag!"

The city feels nothing.

Would the counsel
please approach the bench?

Permission to treat
the witness like a nut bar?

- Don't you know who that is?
- Mm?

That's Remecca Monte-Pulciano.

She hosts this podcast that I love,

"The Social Archaeologist."

I'm not a fan of podcasts.

I'm an audiobook gal.

I'm in the middle
of Matthew McConaughey's.

Tomorrow, I'm gonna hit you with an...

[AS MCCONAUGHEY]
"All rise, all rise, all rise."

This one focuses on everyday people

and digs deep into
what makes them inspirational.

I'm almost positive it's her.

There's only one way to find out.

Would the witness please say the phrase,

"Here is your Wisdom-Out Wednesday"?

Here is your Wisdom-Out Wednesday.

Oh-ho! It is her!

I finally got to see her mouth
move while she says it.

Now that we've achieved all
our dreams, only death awaits.

Wait, where's the defendant?

And where's my purse?

Oh, did anyone see what happened?

There was an echo of worn soles

on cracked linoleum,

and then a flash of fake Hermès orange.

And for no reason at all,
shade was thrown.

[♪]

And speak your truth

after the beep.

Oh! That was amazing.

Now I'm even more excited
for my dental appointment

to get confirmed tomorrow.

But actually, there is another
reason I asked you to stay.

The truth is, I do have an idea
for your podcast.

It's about this court and our
empathetic approach to justice.

And look who happens to be here.

The dedicated heroes who make it happen.

When I'm being ambushed,
I expect pastries.

Well, as an archaeologist,
I always have my fossil brush

and my pickaxe,
so I might as well stick around

and see what's under this pile of dirt.

Hear that, guys?

- We're gonna get brushed and picked.
- Hi. I'm Neil.

You know, I've thought about
doing a podcast myself.

It's called "The Neil World,"

where I stop being polite
and start being Neil.

And what precisely is "being Neil"?

It's being polite
and constantly asking me

if he should get an earring.

Olivia Moore,
assistant district attorney.

You know, I think having me

on your podcast
could build both our brands.

- Is that right?
- Mm-hmm.

From the time I was a little girl,

I knew that a career in law

would fit me like a pair of MeUndies.

They sure changed my life.

- Thanks, MeUndies.
- So, there's that.

Um, and then someone who would offer you

a shorter introduction. Dan Fielding.

- No.
- Ha-ha!

That's my guy.

Dan actually used to be the
prosecutor at this very court,

and then he came out of retirement

to be our public defender.

Now, there's a journey
I'd like to excavate.

That's her tagline.

Hear that, Dan? You're tagline-worthy.

She want to dig a hole in a journey?

The hell sense that make?

No offense, but podcasts for me
fall under the same category

as energy drinks, reality TV,

and something called "Guy Fieri."

- Why?
- Some people just don't like the idea

of spending two uninterrupted hours

talking about themselves
to an audience of millions.

Well, don't lump me in
with those idiots.

- I'd be happy to offer my services.
- Oh. Right.

So, you'd just use Dan
as, like, an appetizer

to get into the bigger
night court story?

Abby, the lady just ordered steak.

Don't try to sell her a used Datsun.

So, we're all just mixing metaphors now?

I mean, what are we even doing here?

Is Dan Fielding's rise
from humble beginnings

to the top of the bottom
of the judicial system

one of our generation's
most remarkable feats?

It is not for me to say.

But it is my pleasure to repeat.

Perhaps we should just focus
on your transition

to public defender.

We'll get to that.

It was William Jennings Bryan

who said that service is
a measure of a man's greatness.

I think that a man's greatness
is decided

by how many awards he gets.

And mine range from runner-up
in the city council election

all the way back to my eighth grade

state spelling bee championship

honorable mention.

- Actually, uh, can we talk about that?
- Yes, yes.

And therein began a lifelong disdain

- for the silent "G".
- No, no, no, no.

Uh, I'm talking about your run
for city council.

Now, according to my research,
you ran as an independent,

and your opponent was a "D"?

- For Democrat?
- D...

ceased.

Yes, I lost to a dead man. [CHUCKLES]

But I was the highest
living vote-getter,

and I seriously believe I would have won

had I handed out s instead of s.

You were trying to buy people's votes?

You have to really understand the time.

It was New York in the 's.

It was very, very difficult
to get people out to vote.

There were...
There were other things to do.

Like cocaine.

And Pac-Man had just come out,

and that was the perfect surface
to do cocaine off of.

Still, sounds to me like a crime.

Yeah, no, no.

You have to understand the context.

- I'm listening.
- [CLEARS THROAT]

Oh, no. [COUGHS]

Did I swallow a "g-nat"?

Oh, also, did I... I'm
not Dan! No, no, no.

I'm his... I'm his brother, August.

I'll go get him. I'll just go get him.

Stay right there. Keep
rolling. It's okay.

[♪]

Oh, Dan, good.

I need your opinion on something.

I've been listening to my voice,

and is this really what I sound like?

[HIGH PITCHED]
Four score and seven years ago,

our forefathers brought forth
on this continent...

Right, I think you're
playing it at double the...

No, that's exactly what
you sound like in my head.

Why are you listening to yourself?

Well, after your interview,

Remecca reached out to me to do one.

I'm so excited.

No, no. Listen to me.

You can't do the interview.

As a matter of fact, you have to bar

that podcast crew from the courthouse.

Why would I do that?

When I was listing
my many accomplishments,

I may have implicated myself
in just a smidge of malfeasance.

I started talking about cocaine a lot.

Now Remecca's out to take me down.

Maybe if you talked about the court

instead of being so selfish,
you wouldn't be in trouble.

But you need the whole world to know

about that spelling bee, don't you?

It's an origin story.

Well, I'm gonna go in there

and talk about the work
we're doing here,

and maybe it will inspire other
courts to follow our example.

I'm not gonna lose that chance
just because you biffed it.

I'm telling you, it's a trap.

She tricked me... Dan.

Dan!

You're not gonna change my mind.

Yeah, alright, fine, fine, yeah.

But when it doesn't work,
just be ready to hear

the five words that everyone dreads...

"I told you so."

- That's four words.
- Well, I'm counting

the raucous laughter before
I say it as a word.

Matter of fact, I'm gonna
start practicing it now.

Ha!

Ha-wah-hah! I...

No, wait. Hee-hee!

I cracked the case, and now I'll cr*ck

the most up-to-date point spreads,

with Offshore Bet Boys.

It's not gambling
when they're stone-cold locks.

I've never seen someone
so thirsty to get on a podcast.

And I have several friends
whose spouses went missing

after joining a cult.

It's all part of my media strategy.

First step, podcasts.

Second step, TikTok legal influencer.

Third step, Whoopi yells
at the wrong Uber driver,

and bingo, mama's
batting cleanup on "The View."

But I can't get Remecca
to even look at me.

- I feel like Neil.
- Hey!

- Whoa!
- Don't sneak up on people!

I've been trying to get
Remecca's attention, too.

The problem is she is all-in on Dan.

Don't take this the wrong way,

but you all are boring.

You need to sell the drama.

May I suggest...

a forbidden office romance?

With me and him?

[LAUGHS] No.

Look, podcasts are for lonely
people who don't like music.

But you know what lonely people do like?

I feel like I should know this.

m*rder and romance,
and since you've made it clear

on multiple occasions
that you're a stick in the mud

when it comes to m*rder, I'd go with...

secret work love!

Did you see that?

That's the first time
she's looked at me.

That's it.
Neil, we're in a relationship.

"Pretty Woman" rules.

No kissing, and it'll be
mostly me hanging out

with Hector Elizondo.

That is very funny.

I am laughing.

And please, let Donatello know
that I will be bringing

the haricots verts
to Sunday's dish-to-pass.

- Ah!
- You're from Skaneateles, aren't you?

- How did you...
- That's where I'm from.

It's the only place
I've ever heard it called

a "dish-to-pass."

Everywhere else, they call it a potluck.

I mean, like a damn leprechaun

supremed all those oranges
for that citrus salad?

[SCOFFS] "Luck," my butt.

- So, shall we start?
- Sure, sure.

Hi. I'm Abby.

- Would you like to take a seat?
- No, no, no, no.

Just pretend like he's not even there.

This is just a conversation.

Why don't we begin with,
how have you found

working with Dan Fielding?

I have no regrets about
bringing Dan to this court.

My father always said there was
no one he respected more,

and you know, I feel like we're missing

- a bigger story here...
- So, y... you found Mr. Fielding

through a good ol' boy network?

There's more to it than that.

Because it sounds like
you manipulated the system

to help out one
of your father's old buddies.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
Are these chairs getting smaller?

It is hot out in here.

Gah!

[♪]

- What's this?
- It's everything you need

to know about our fake relationship.

What? If we're gonna make this work,

we need to make it seem
as real as possible.

Good thinking, babe.

You will immediately see
on page one that

we are not a "babe" couple.

You'll find approved nicknames
on page three.

These are just our names.

Yeah. I came up with those.

Feel free to add
whatever your last name is.

Alright, well,
there's a lot in here covering

how I'm supposed to feel about
everyone on "Vanderpump Rules,"

but nothing about
where we are emotionally.

Like, how serious are we?

Where is this relationship going?

Where is this coming from?

Well, if I'm gonna be
your fake boyfriend...

Boyfriend? Whoa! Okay. [CHUCKLES]

Save those labels
for the runway, mister.

Ha!

Next, you're gonna tell me
you're pregnant.

Guess what?
You are raising that baby alone.

Dan, I messed up. I messed up bad.

The interview backfired.
I sorta let it slip

that I may have shortcut
a few rules when I hired you,

and now Remecca wants
to take me down, too.

- [SIGHS]
- What happened?

You mess things up
with the podcast lady?

- Yeah.
- How bad is it?

Well, I pulled out an,
"It was a different time."

Okay.

- So, we're in some trouble.
- Why is that bad?

Three phrases you don't use
in problematic situations...

"It was a different time."

"I meant it as a joke".

And "I know it's not okay
to say, but..."

Just don't say it!

I can't believe they don't teach
that in white people school.

To be fair, there's not
really an official white...

Dartmouth.

Okay, look, I'm just
gonna talk to Remecca.

I mean, I'm sure if I just
sit down with her,

one Skaneatelan to another,
we can sort this out.

I mean, we grew up playing
in the same parks.

I'm sure she even has a theory

on what happened to Billy Muggins.

You know, maybe Abby can convince her.

Yeah, no, no. I got a better idea.

I got three better ideas.

It can't involve wigs.

- Okay, we'll go with yours.
- Come on.

[DOOR CREAKS]

Wow.

Well, I just hope this thing
is still down here.

And listen, remember, Abby
cannot know what we're doing.

She needs plausible deniability.

I get it. Everybody needs a cover story.

That's why I keep
a cardboard cutout of me waving

in that bowling alley bathroom.

"Where was Gurgs the night in question?"

"She was in that bowling alley
bathroom being super friendly."

Oh, you know what? I think...

Uh-huh. Yeah! This is it!

I don't get it.
How is some old metal detector

gonna solve things
with the podcast lady?

This is not just
some old metal detector.

We called it "Meg Ryan,"
'cause prolonged exposure

was known to melt people's hearts.

More importantly for us, though,
the magnets in this thing...

they'll fry any electrical
equipment it comes near.

It'll just erase everything.

Brilliant, huh?

This is where I keep my spare.

[♪]

Alright, I am all set
for my chat with Remecca.

I imported loganberry pop,
some white hots,

all of the finest
Skaneateles delicacies.

White hot dogs?

"Delicacy" may not be the right word.

"Food" may not be the right word.

What is that, and why
is it making my teeth hurt?

Oh, just some extra security.

I know upstate you just throw
some tacks on the floor,

but here in the big city, we wear shoes.

Is that warning in Russian?

- Oh, no...
- Nyet!

I knew something was weird.

- What is going on?
- It was Dan's idea.

I was in the bowling alley bathroom.

Alright, look, the only way
to fix this is to get her

to walk through that machine

and erase everything that she has on us.

There's no way that thing is safe.

It is definitely safe.

And I remind you, I am not under oath.

Why are you so annoyed?

All I asked is if you were mad at me.

- Oh, you prob... Mm.
- [MACHINE WHIRS]

Neil, sometimes my mood
has nothing to do with you.

Oh, you were driving me so crazy,

- I left my bag in the cafeteria.
- [MACHINE WHIRS]

Actually, I have your bag right here,

because I think about you.

- [MACHINE WHIRS]
- Oh, my hero.

I'd be so lost without you.

Oh, there it is. Your sarcasm.

The third wheel in this relationship.

Ha! Hate to break it to you,

but you're the third wheel, babe!

Oh, so I guess we are a "babe" couple.

- [MACHINE WHIRS]
- We are not a couple, Neil!

For the love of God,
don't stand right there!

We are through.

I am done being fenced in

like your... your love veal.

I am free-range, buster!

Why is my iced coffee so hot?

- Wait!
- [MACHINE WHIRS]

- What was that about?
- I don't know.

But we have to keep them calm.

They're Hulks now.

Wait. Whoa, no.
Wait, where are you going?

You can't go. We need you as bait.

No, bait... Wrong word. Bad word.

Not bait, but...

No, bait's the right word.

I wanted to k*ll Remecca with kindness,

not Cold w*r radiation.

My Uncle Ray-Ray was k*lled
with kindness.

It's a rough way to go.

- What...?
- Oh, don't mind me.

Go back to your plan
to stifle free speech.

A plan that would have worked better...

in a room with one door.

Okay, Remecca, I know this looks bad.

Your podcast is about inspiring
people, and if you tear us down,

I really think you're gonna regret this.

I regret nothing.

- I'm sorry?
- They don't call it pod-friends.

They call it pod-business.

Do they call it either?

Hey, Remecca...

one very important thing
you're missing for this episode.

A tell-all interview.

I'll come clean about
everything, under one condition.

You leave Abby out of it.

And you get us all giant mattresses

that somehow come in tiny boxes.

You have a deal.

And so do you.

But FYI, you can't put it
back in the box

and watch it unfold again.

You can try, but it will
only end in madness.

Dan, I can't let you do that.

You would lose your job.

You know, when I made that offer,

I... I didn't see a bright side.

Thank you for finding it.

[♪]

[♪]

Hey, I've been texting you.

Yeah, it's weird...
my phone isn't working.

All my credit cards are erased,

and when I pick up spoons,
they do this now.

So, we don't really make
the best fake couple, huh?

Scary thing is, this was actually one of

my healthier relationships.

I might have some
real commitment issues.

You know, I have been watching
the two of you,

and you're an absolute trainwreck.

You would be perfect
for my new dating podcast,

"Absolute Trainwreck."

Actually, we're not...

Gonna pass up on an opportunity
like this, right, babe?

But there's one condition.

- You can't run that story on Dan.
- No.

Eh, guess we're not all
gonna be heroes. [LAUGHS]

Well, I guess that episode
of the podcast will be on soon.

The end of the illustrious
career of Dan Fielding.

We still have time to fix this.

We just have to break
the Internet, in one minute.

Does this muffin
look anything like Jesus?

Remecca was canceled!

She lost all her sponsors,

and her platforms dropped the podcast.

- What? What happened?
- Someone excavated her

and found out she used to be
a crazy sketchy shock jock

on a radio station upstate.

This is Becky Molson for Reject Radio,

and I regret nothing.

It's Whirl 'Em Out Wednesday, boys,

so unwrap your package
and whirl those balls!

- [FART NOISE]
- Ooh!

- That's one for the Stank Bank.
- [GUITAR RIFF]

You forget how much culture
there is outside of the cities.

- I guess it got out.
- You knew?

When Remecca said, "I regret nothing,"

I thought it sounded familiar,
so I did some digging,

and turns out, she also has
a past that she's not proud of.

I thought I could use it to
convince her to go easy on Dan,

but she laughed me out of the room.

Well, someone must have leaked it.

- I did.
- Who are you?

Recognize me... now?

The microphone guy.

So, you took Remecca down?

Well, I was tired
of living in her shadow.

Sitting at home, night after night,

removing her weird mouth sounds.

But you, Judge Stone,
you made me feel...

heard.

- What did you do?
- I don't know.

I... I asked him if he wanted
to sit down once.

The nerve of that guy.

You know, I... I took a b*llet for you.

The only reason to help your fellow man

is to have them in your debt.

- That is a currency that never tanks.
- Well, too bad.

You're not getting out of here
that easy.

One of these days, I'm gonna
work up the courage to hug you.

Folks, I just got back from France,

- where I had "fart blanche."
- [FART NOISE]

[GUITAR RIFF]

You know, I'll be the first to say it...

She pretty good. [LAUGHS]