03x14 - A Body Worth Guarding

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

HUTCH: You ever wonder why?

STARSKY: Why what?

Life.

It's too early in the
morning for that, Hutch.

No, I mean it, Starsk.

There's got to be more to life

than just... breathing
in and breathing out.

There is.

What?

As a matter of fact,

I have a midnight meet

with the most
beautiful thing since...

You're a hedonist,
you know that?

Hmm?

A hedonist.

Just so long as I enjoy myself.

There are other things
than just gross pleasures.

STARSKY: When you
find out what they are,

don't tell me.

Well, look at this.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

There's something missing.

Like what?

Well, if I knew that, it
wouldn't be missing.

You're very weird.
You know that?

I knew I could count
on you to understand.

Hutchinson.

Oh, good morning, captain.

Morning.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Did you read that
memo on your desk?

"Captain Dobey wants to see
you and Starsky as soon as..."

"Possible."

At your pleasure, mon capitaine.

If it was my pleasure,

I wouldn't be here
waiting on you two clowns.

Here's your new assignment.

[WHISTLES]

Her name is Anna Akhanatova.

[DREAMILY] Her name
is Anna Akhanatova.

She is the prima
ballerina of the Kirov Ballet.

That's right.

No kidding.

The Russian ballet is in town,

and you two are gonna cover
her like a baby's security blanket.

You're talking nursemaid?

That's right.

I hate to remind you, captain,

but we're detectives
assigned to Homicide,

not Baby-sitting.

You're right on
all counts, Starsky.

Thank you.

You're the detective,
I'm the captain.

And this is Homicide.

For a change, you two are
assigned to prevent a homicide.

There have been specific
threats against her life.

STARSKY: From who?

If we knew that,

we would arrest
them, wouldn't we?

Now, you can find
her at the ballet.

Which is at the theater.

Oh, your wish is my
command, captain.

[SNATCHES AND RATTLES MEMO]

Better believe that.

[ELEGANT CLASSICAL
MUSIC PLAYING]

[LOUDLY] She's pretty good!

Shh!

[WHISPERING] She is incredible!

Man! Look at her jump!

That is a grand jeté, turkey.

Oh! Look at that!
Look at that elevation!

[GASPS]

Man, she got more
moves than Muhammad Ali.

[MUSIC ENDS]

[APPLAUSE, CHEERING]

HUTCH: Brava! Brava!

Brava!

Brava!

Brava!

Brava.

So.

The Americans love me, no?

They clap their hands. Yes.

Even the great Masha Barovnika

did not mind
applause in her days.

Only when it was deserved.

Your tours jetés

were not good.

Your fouetté turns
lacked sharpness.

More snap on the leg.

Out and two and three.

Please, Masha, don't talk
to me like some schoolchild.

I'm a prima ballerina.

Even the American
papers call me a star.

"Stars are made by nature

"in the sky.

"Ballerinas are made

by hard practice on this earth."

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

ANNA: Yes? Come in.

[NERVOUSLY] Uh, Miss Ankakatova?

Why is it that Americans
have such a difficult time

with Soviet names?

I'll bite. Why? Ha.

Ha.

Well, perhaps it's because
it's not his native language,

Miss Akhanatova.

Very good. You pronounced
my name correctly.

Are your people from the Soviet?

No, ma'am. We're
from the police.

My name is Starsky and...

this is Hutch.

America must be
a strange country.

An artist arrives to entertain.
And you want to k*ll her.

We're here to protect you.

In my country, a ballet
dancer needs no protection.

As long as she agrees
with the policies of the state.

I'm a guest in your country

and I'm not interested in
your opinion, Mr. Hootch.

Hutch!

I am Masha Natasha Barovnika,

coach and representative
of the Kirov...

uh, Ballet.

If you do not wish to
have the assignment

to care for Anna Akhanatova,

I shall call your superiors.

No, ma'am. It's okay.

MASHA: Then you
will please refrain

from further
political discussions.

I think that's an agreement
we both should stick to, huh?

[STARSKY CLEARS THROAT]

Now I think that
we're all in agreement.

STARSKY: Uh,

now, Miss Akh... Ab...

Don't tell me!

Uh, Ahna-ka...

To-va.

Correct.

Uh, if we may
escort your lovely self

back to the hotel.

[CROWD CLAMORING]

CROWD: Freedom for the Jews!

Free the Russian Jews!

Free the Russian Jews!

Free the Russian Jews!

Free the Russian Jews!

Free the Russian Jews!

Freedom for the Jews!

Freedom for the Jews!

Welcome to America.

At least we're
allowed to do this here.

Will you two knock it off?

CROWD: Freedom for the Jews.

Free the Russian Jews!

Free the Russian Jews!

HUTCH: Get back!

HUTCH: Get back! Get back!

I can say anything...

Get back!

Why don't you go back to Russia!

[CROWD YELLING ANGRILY]

Oh, yeah? You!

[TIRES SQUEALING]

HUTCH: You all right?

ANNA: Those people
were frightening.

They meant to hurt me.

HUTCH: Nobody's gonna hurt you.

How can you be so sure?

This is our job.

Is that what Americans
call me? A job?

I hear the ice cream
in Russia is really great.

It's very good.

But we do not have so
many flavors. Mostly vanilla.

Oh. I love vanilla.

[SIGHS]

Police work.

Starsky!

[STARSKY WHISTLING]

[CRASH]

[SNORTS]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Want to check the bedroom?

Ah. Yeah.

Wait.

I would like to use my own...

Wait.

[WHISTLING]

It's okay.

You're very kind.

We try.

[SLAM]

Hey, man!

What's going on?

I thought you wanted
this assignment.

So did I.

Well! She's more
beautiful than her poster.

Do you know, that's exactly
what I was talking about?

There is more
to life, to people,

than just a beautiful outside.

Well, would you
rather she was ugly?

Look. Starsky.

This was going to be
the assignment of my life.

And I don't like
being talked down to.

Oh.

And I don't want to
do any flag-waving,

but every time
she says "America",

it sounds like something
that makes her nauseous.

Oh. Okay.

You understand
what I'm talking about?

Yeah, I understand.

Do you understand?

Yes! Yes. Let it
pass, let it pass.

We have a job to do.

We've seen the pickets out there

and we know it's
not gonna be easy.

Yeah. There was a lot of
professional muscle out there.

Well, one of us is
gonna have to stay here.

Now, uh, which
one is it gonna be?

Well, it might as well be me.

She'll be asleep.

At least I won't have
to listen to her talk.

Ah.

The sight is off. Adjust it.

[GERMAN ACCENT]
Do not give me orders.

Please.

Better.

I cannot sleep with
an enemy in the house.

I'm not your enemy, lady.

Then why do you act so?

Me?

Yes, you! You're
rude, you're hateful.

The door is opened for
me and you go through first.

I get pushed into cars.
You take the keys out...

Wait a minute!

Peace! Whoa! Listen
to me, comrade.

There's somebody out
there that wants to hurt you.

I go through doors first, yeah.

If some nut wants to get to
you, they have to go through me.

That ain't easy. Because
I'm good at my job.

[KETTLE WHISTLING]

You... you mean... you
would get hurt to protect me?

Well, that's not my plan.

But if that's what
goes down, yeah.

Good.

"Good"? It's perfect.

sh**ting a dummy is not perfect.

When do I get her?

Mmm... tomorrow. Depending.

On what? I'm ready right now.

You Americans!
Everything is instant.

If you get her before
the papers print the letter,

what good will it do, hmm?

I got a better idea.

Please, Miller.

You can't improve on perfection.

Why don't I pick off the
Russian premier? He'll be there.

Brilliant! The one person
who will be totally protected.

A premier is a lot hotter
than a ballet dancer.

Yeah?

And the chance of your capture
is much hotter also, nicht wahr?

No one is gonna capture me.

The Jews must be blamed.

I cannot take the chance

of your being
identified as a member

of the Fascist Party of America.

I can do it. I'm
telling you, I can do it.

Do not be stupid, Miller!

I don't like to
be called stup...

You will do as I say.

Ja?

There's a saying in my country.

"Share a cup of tea with
somebody who's unfriendly

and your loneliness is ended."

Look, let me just explain...

I would like to find a way to...

You. You go first.

I would like to find
a way to be friends.

Me too.

Perhaps we will require
the United Nations.

Why, I think we can
do better than that.

Me too.

How do we start?

Tell me a secret.

Secret?

Why?

Because only friends
should have secrets.

All right. Okay.

I'll tell you a secret.

Mmm?

I love to talk about myself.

No!

I never would have guessed.

[MELLOW FUNK MUSIC PLAYING]

If you're waiting on me,
I'll be in the back booth.

There are worse things
than being seen with me.

And better.

So let's leave
well enough alone.

You look weird.

What do you mean?

A little lopsided.

I know!

A Starsky without a Hutch
is like a pig without the pork.

How is the police department's
number one beachboy?

Guarding a dancer's body
and liking it less than spit.

You're crude, do you know that?

So I've been told.

Now. Down to business.

I thought you were my friend.

I need some help... friend.

Such as?

Anybody on the street
passing out money

for muscle on a picket line?

You got better ears
than I thought, Grandma.

Two thugs hired for a
demo tonight at the...

Russian ballet.

You keep this up, you're
gonna put Huggy out of business.

I got to know who's
doing the hiring.

Who's doing the picketing?

Don't play detective.

Perish the thought.

The J.O.A.

Who?

The Jewish
Organization for Action.

I suggest you check
out the desert people.

You're a lot of help.

Only because you
caught me on a good day.

Don't call me on a bad one.

Perish the thought.

ANNA: And Masha said,

"If you move like that, you
may as well walk on your hands."

Know what I did? Yes.

I immediately got...

What did you say?

I said I know what you did.

You do not! How could you?

I do.

All right. What did I do?

[CHUCKLES]

This.

[ANNA GIGGLES]

[YELLS]

All right! That's very good.
But I can do it much better.

Oh, come on!

[WHISTLES]

You know, we both have
almost the same color hair.

Fascinating.

If we ever had a child, he
would look like a snow bank.

She would look like the sunrise.

You're very poetic
for an American.

Well, Russians
didn't invent poetry.

Are you sure?

But you may have
invented beauty.

I'm very strong.

That's not exactly
what I had in mind.

Are you strong?

You got to be putting me on.

What means "putting me on"?

Y-you don't want to arm-wrestle?

I will win.

It's : in the morning,
I'm with a beautiful woman

and she wants to arm-wrestle.

Are you afraid?

All right, comrade,
let's have at it.

Go.

[THUD ON DOOR]

Reach!

Argh! Don't sh**t!

You can have all the newspapers.

Uh... it's not
real. Just kidding.

It's licorice.

[ANNA GIGGLES]

[LAUGHING]

Big protector!

You scared the bellman.

Don't you laugh at me, Anna!

Call me Tadzhik.

What does that mean?

A middle name for
someone who cares.

[WHISPERING] Tadzhik.

[WHISPERING] Again.

Tadzhik.

Again.

Tadzhik. Again.

Tadzhik. Again.

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

Ja! Coming!

Coming!

It's in this morning's paper.

They're gonna
blame it on the Jews.

I can do it today, right?

Right?

MILLER: Today, right?

Tonight, Miller, ja.

[WHISPERING] Hey! Hey, hey, hey!

Hey!

Let me up. Let me up. Let me up!

What is it? What is it?

It's your better half.

Uh, yeah.

Hold it!

Hey, you all right?

Yeah! Yeah!

I'm, uh...

I'm, uh...

[LAUGHING]

Yeah, uh, I'm fine!

Just fine!

[WHISPERING] Stop it!

[WHISPERING] Go
on, go on, go on, go on!

Not until you kiss me! Okay.

Uh, be right there, Starsk.

Just, uh...

Hold on.

STARSKY: Take your time.

Uh, yeah. Yeah.

You okay?

Okay!

You?

Okay.

Everything, uh,

go all right last night?

Oh, fine, fine. yeah.

Just fine.

No, uh... no trouble, huh?

Oh!

Nothing I couldn't
handle. Ha, ha.

[CLEARS THROAT]

She up?

Huh?

Oh, um, uh, yeah, I think so.

I heard the shower.

[SHOWER GUSHES ON]

Whoops. There it
is. Must be psychic.

Since when?

Spoke to Huggy this morning.

Oh, yeah.

He, uh...

It's like we figured.

Muscle hired out for
the demonstration.

By whom?

Don't know.

Thanks.

Well, uh...

So.

You feeling okay
this morning, huh?

Yeah, fine.

You? Fine.

Good.

Why don't you split,
hmm? Get some sleep.

Check back with me.

I'll take care of, uh,
Anna Whatshername,

wherever she's gonna be.

No.

Meantime...

What?

Uh, I'll handle Anna Anakantova.

What do you
mean? I'll, uh, cover.

Your shift's over.

Shower stopped. She
must be finished, huh?

You're acting
very strange lately.

[PHONE RINGS]

Telephone.

Must be for Anna.

Could.

Anna Akhanatova.

Darling?

Oh! Mr. Starrefsky. I
didn't know you were here.

Your captain wants
to talk to someone.

"Starrefsky."

"Darling."

Telephone.

Good morning, captain!
How are you this fine day?

Have you read this
morning's paper?

Well, I've been so busy
guarding our Russian guest,

I haven't taken my eyes off her.

[CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

Would you mind turning
to page four, please?

Uh, page four in the newspaper.

Um, uh, hold on, captain.

"This newspaper received
the following note this morning.

"'Unless Soviet Jews are freed,

Anna Akhanatova will
not return to Russia alive.'"

Yeah, I see it, Captain.

All right.

I want one of you to stick
as close to Anna Akhanatova

as white on rice.

Uh, that will be me.

Then have Starsky run it down.

Captain wants you on the street

checking out the
source of that story.

CAPTAIN: Hutchinson. Yeah.

We can't afford
to let her get hurt.

She's very important
to the State Department.

To me too, captain.

Good morning, gentlemen.

Ready for a light breakfast
and then to the rehearsal?

Good morning.

How about a change in plans?

But I always eat
a light breakfast.

I mean...

Look.

Somebody's out
there. And serious.

Anybody, including that
nut who wants to hurt you,

they're gonna know

that you're on your way to
the theater to rehearse today.

So is Masha Barovnika
and the entire group.

If you are suggesting I miss...

Anna, hear me.

But I do.

There is some lunatic out
there who wants to k*ll you.

You will not permit it, Hootch.

Not a chance.

But you have to
cooperate. Please.

Your eyes are the
color of the Belaya River.

How can I say no?

Belaya River eyes, huh?

Take care of her.

Hootch.

Uh...

Madam... Bar-ro...

Vi-ni-ka.

Vi-ni-ka! Yes.

And you are the policeman.

Yes. Yes.

But what are you doing?

Oh, uh...

I have to take Anna
to rehearsal later.

She said that she'd
meet you there.

But... Yeah.

I don't...

Why don't I take
you for a cup of tea?

You can tell me
all about your life...

I have had my tea.

And I'll drop you
off at rehearsal.

The rehearsal is
very important...

Give me room, gentlemen.

Or you'll eat it.

You got a warrant, officer?

Do I need one?

Yeah!

Unless you want to
try and make me eat it.

You shouldn't flash that piece.

He's got a permit.

Who's this man?

Just a cop without a warrant.

You Kauffman?

I want to talk to you.

I don't have time.

Stay on the door.

You I want to talk to.

See you round.

Count on it.

[ACOUSTIC GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING]

Very beautiful. What is it?

Oh, it's just a song.

Can you sing it?

Well.

[STRUMS]

♪ I wish ♪

♪ I was the sunlight ♪

♪ Gently reaching out in space ♪

♪ And I wish ♪

♪ You were a chilly morn ♪

♪ So I could warm your face ♪

♪ And I wish ♪

♪ I was a scarecrow ♪

♪ 'Cause I've got
A scare or two ♪

♪ And I wish ♪

♪ You were a stalk of corn ♪

♪ With me protecting you ♪

♪ And I wish ♪

♪ I was a pillow ♪

♪ 'Cause I've got
some softness too ♪

♪ And I wish ♪

♪ You were a weary head ♪

♪ Alone ♪

♪ Just me and you ♪♪

DOBEY: Kauffman's
in interrogation.

All right, well, just hang
on. Starsky's on the way.

I'll take it from here.

Thanks.

[DOOR CLOSES]

We didn't have time for an
introduction when we first met.

The name's Starsky.

You have no right to detain me.

Just a few questions.

Where were you last night?

Don't play games
with me, Starsky.

I know what you're looking for.

We wouldn't be stupid enough

to write a threatening
letter to the newspaper.

Why not? Your position
on Russia's well-known.

Russia is oppressing Jews.

We are against that, in
any and every possible way.

Including v*olence?

Our tactics don't include

hurting ladies who
dance, Starsky.

That's for fools. And fascists.

What do you mean, "fascists"?

What happens if someone
kills Anna Akhanatova?

The Jews are blamed.

The Americans are blamed.

Anti-Semitism is
on the rise again.

And who gains from that?

Only some dangerous madmen

who call themselves the
Fascist Party of America.

You want to catch a
criminal? Get the Fascists!

You have no charges against
me. I have committed no crime.

Just be sure you don't.

You and your plans.
No one is home.

He's home.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

STARSKY: Hey,
open up! It's the law!

STARSKY: Come on,
blondie, we know you're in there.

Oh, coming, coming, coming.

Are you poor of hearing? Did
you not realize the doorbell?

Masha! What are you doing here?

HUTCH: What's happening?

STARSKY: The closest I can come

is there's probably
some fascist out there

has to make his move tonight.

MASHA: I'm having great
trouble comprehending this person.

STARSKY: It's public knowledge
that tonight's your last show

and then you're gonna
have to leave town.

I mean, half the city knows

where you're gonna
be between and .

What are you gonna do?

How about not showing
up at the theater at all?

I must dance tonight.

I told this strange person

that you'd be saying that.

The next plan

is for Masha
Barovnika to be a duck.

A what?

A decoy. It's like a
duck. What you have...

Putting Masha in my clothes?

Just in and out of the theater.

No.

So, my brave bodyguard,
there's work to do.

Because Anna Akhanatova is
going to the theater and dance.

[CROWD CLAMORING]

[HORN BLARING]

MAN: Go back
with the rest of them.

CROWD: Free the Russian Jews!

Free the Russian Jews!
Free the Russian Jews!

KAUFFMAN: Get back
in line! Get back into line!

Save the Jews!

Save the Jews!

Save the Jews!

Save the Jews!

Save the Jews!

Kauffman, I want to talk to you.

Listen, I told you before...

Come on, get in the
car. I want to talk to you.

Just don't touch!

STARSKY: Get out of the way.

Get in the car.

It's all right!

You have no right
to detain me here.

We have permits to demonstrate.

Just cool it.

No one's gonna blow
your demonstration.

We just want to catch
a crazy k*ller. Okay?

Only if it doesn't
conflict with our interests.

How would you
like to nail a fascist?

Does that appeal to you?

You have my total attention.

I mean catch him, not k*ll him.

What can we do?

The only way that
they can get close to her

is to start a riot
using your pickets.

Now, they're gonna
infiltrate with some g*ons,

start a diversion.

And when they do,

when Anna Whatshername
comes out that door,

someone's gonna make a move.

No one will infiltrate my group.

Wrong.

[ELEGANT CLASSICAL
MUSIC PLAYING]

What do you think?

I think she's beautiful.

And you're a lucky man.

No, I mean about out there.

Think it will work?

We don't have much choice.

[MUSIC ENDS]

Do we?

[APPLAUSE]

[CROWD CLAMORING]

Those... How do
you say? "Pickets"?

They must be going
home some time.

Why should we not stay
here all night 'til it is day?

Because I cannot live like
an animal in a cage, Masha.

They must catch that
man and I must be free.

Shall we go out there, Hootch?

Tadzhik.

Tonight you danced like a...

like a butterfly
riding the wind.

You were the spirit
of light, my Tadzhik.

These were all your
teachings, Masha.

CROWD: Free the Russian
Jews! Free the Russian Jews!

Get them! Get them!

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

Hutch!

[g*nsh*t]

[ALL SHOUTING]

[g*nsh*t]

[YELLS]

You'll be sorry!

You're a bastard!

Steinmetz knows I
could have done it!

Batson!

Get this nut out of here!

Check out Steinmetz.

Thanks, Kauffman.
I owe you a favor.

Some day I may need to collect.

Get these nuts out of here, huh?

[SHOUTING] All
right! Please! Everyone!

KAUFFMAN: Peace! Shalom!

Shalom! Go home now.

Shalom! Shalom!

Is it over?

It's over.

Are you okay, Tadzhik?

Is it all right to
love you, Hootch?

ANNA: Can you help me, Hootch?

Sure.

Uh, you better sit on it.

[LAUGHING] Watch it!

[GRUNTS]

I will miss you, Hootch.

Me too.

You should come to Leningrad.

I will, someday.

Do you love me a little bit?

I love you a lot of bit.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

MASHA: It is time.

The limousine is waiting

to bring us to the airport.

Uh, let me help
you with that, ma'am.

I can carry it.

No, it's all right.

Starsky, she's very strong.

Yeah. Sure.

You don't believe me?

Now is not the
time, Anna Tadzhik.

I have to prove
something to this American.

Come.

You're putting me on!

I know that word, and I'm not.

Come on, Starrefsky.

Oh, well, that does it.

It's "Starsky."

Hmm? Oh.

Come on.

It's not gonna help.

Okay. Are you ready?

Any time you are.

Okay.

[♪♪♪]