03x17 - Class in Crime

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Starsky & Hutch". Aired: April 30, 1975 –; May 15, 1979.*
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Streetwise Detective David Starsky partners up with a more intellectual partner, Kenneth 'Hutch' Hutchinson, to protect citizens and patrol the streets of Bay City.
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03x17 - Class in Crime

Post by bunniefuu »

[♪♪♪]

[CLICK]

[CLICK]

[CLICK]

[CLICK]

[g*nsh*t, HORN BLARES]

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

[SCREAMS]

[WOMAN YELLS]

MAN: Oh! Oh, my God.

[DISTRESSED EXCLAMATIONS]

[POLICE SIREN WAILING]

[RADIO PLAYING LAID-BACK
MUSIC, SIREN CONTINUES]

[CAR DOOR OPENS]

[POLICE CAR TIRES SCREECH]

[TURNS MUSIC DOWN]

You left the scope
in the van, you know?

It was only yards, love.

And your favorite mime
was only yards away.

Almost close
enough to be nicked.

Too many good years in
you to make such a mistake.

[LAUGHS QUIETLY]

Now that we've ended the days

of our mime lover,
Mr. Allen Richards...

we're off to the home of
The House That Jack Built.

[COCKNEY ACCENT]
Whatever you say, love.

On this occasion,
sweet Michelle,

you'll have a much
more active role.

You say the nicest
things, professor.

Thank you.

[TURNS MUSIC UP]

[STARTS VAN]

[DISTRESSED CRIES,
RAISED VOICES]

[SEAGULLS CAW]

Mmm.

[PAGER BEEPING]

Are you a doctor?

Nope.

Roto-Rooter? Mm-mm.

I give up. What?

Just another man who
has to leave love and beauty

for the call of duty.

[LAUGHS]

That's nice. Did you
just make that up?

[HUMPHREY BOGART ACCENT] It's
better we don't say goodbye... sweetheart.

[SIGHS]

We just got beeped.

Does it hurt?

Sweetheart, you have
no idea how much.

You're not kidding, huh?

STARSKY: You know how
much a plumber makes a year?

HUTCH: More than
a cop, that's for sure.

STARSKY: Yeah. And
when he's off, he's off.

[SIREN WAILING]

[CHATTER OVER POLICE RADIO]

Hey. Huh?

Up there.

HUTCH: You know, if
this thing an is easy one,

maybe we can get back
to Rachel and Mary, huh?

STARSKY: Rachel and Mary?

Sounds like a small
college back east.

No, no, that's William & Mary.

Rachel and Mary, William &
Mary. What's the difference?

They were married.

To who? Each other.

HUTCH: Who do you think?

STARSKY: Hmm. Interesting.

TODESCO: Go ahead. It's clean.

Prints? Zip.

Maybe an easy one, huh? Hmm.

Very light. Right on the button.

Beautiful piece.

If you're a pro, you can hit a
mosquito's mother at yards.

With the scope, it can be .

Any scope? He didn't need it.

Seventy-one yards away.

A crowd on the
sidewalk watching.

Watching what?

A mime. What?

You know, these kids
from the college come down

with a tin cup and
a bagful of talent,

and entertain the
people on the sidewalk.

Mime.

Go on. There ain't no more.

The dead man?

Allen Richards.

Age and not a
cavity in his mouth.

Salesman of fancy cars

in a place called The
House That Jack Built.

Thirty-six dollars
in his wallet,

and a bachelor's button
on his jacket missing.

Hmm.

[SIGHS]

The wife sends regards.

Oh, thanks.

[MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]

WOMAN [ON TV]: so suddenly.

Officer, would you like a...

Our man Jack is a fanatic
for reruns of The Rookies.

Hasn't missed a
segment since it's on.

He'll be expecting
friend Allen...

[GROANS]

during the second commercial.

Then they'll be
getting ready for me.

But he will not be expecting
a high-fashion femme fatale.

Forget it, pal.
You can't afford it.

If I was a plumber, I could.

Yeah.

WOMAN: Which one
of you is interested?

My name is Catlin,

and I'm here to assist.

Me.

I'm definitely interested.

Are you experienced?

[CLEARS THROAT]

Excuse me?

These are not just cars.

Could have fooled me.

They are high-tension
engineering masterpieces,

surrounded by the body

of a sculptor's dream.

Well, actually, we're interested
in another kind of body.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Right. Allen Richards.

He used to work here.

Yes.

He's dead.

You know about that?

Someone was kind enough to call.

Who?

Does it matter?

It might.

You see, he was, uh,

m*rder*d in broad daylight.

Nighttime is for women.

Polish it.

[MUFFLED SPEECH ON TV]

["THE ROOKIES" PLAYING ON TV]

POLICEMAN [ON
TV]: I'll check it out.

POLICEMAN [ON TV]: Could
you tell me what happened, ma'am?


MRS. LOCKERT [ON TV]:
Lockert. Mrs. Margaret Lockert.

POLICEMAN : Mrs.
Lockert, what happened here?


MRS. LOCKERT: Well, I was
baking some gingerbread men


for my tree,

and, uh, I heard a noise.

And there was a man
standing on my fire escape.


So I screamed. And
he ran. And I called you.


POLICEMAN : Could you
give a description of him?


MRS. LOCKERT:
Oh, I'm afraid I couldn't.

It all happened so suddenly.

Honestly, he looked like
some savage or something.


Well, how about a
gingerbread man?


I was just baking for you.

POLICEMAN : Oh, no,
thank you, Mrs. Lockert.


MRS. LOCKERT: have children?

POLICEMAN: No...

I'm not married.

MRS. LOCKERT:
Oh, that's too bad.

You know, I must say...

about your age...

Oh, hi.

Say, did you know

that they say that
these things are so quiet

that you can actually hear
the rustle of silk stockings

against its leather?

I love the smell of leather.

Yeah, well, you and Todesco
ought to write a book together.

Look, uh, Miss Catlin...

Allen Richards was supposed to
meet a man by the name of Jack

this afternoon at :.

Do you know anything about that?

The-House-That-Jack-Built Jack.

The owner of this joint.

You're very perceptive.

You're very kind.

Yeah, would you have
an address on Jack?

Sure.

Would you mind giving it to me?

Sure.

Thank you.

[SNIFFS]

[LEATHER CREAKS]

How long have you worked
for Allen Richards, Miss Catlin?

Two years.

That's the first
straight answer I've got.

You seem all broken
up over his death.

Jack Morgan's
number and address.

Why is it I get the feeling

that she's not telling us
everything she knows?

Well, now, if I did that,

you would age before your time.

Uh...

Let me ask you something.

How much for, uh...

your piece of engineering?

Thirty-five, nine.

Thirty-five, nine what?

Thirty-five thousand...

nine hundred dollars.

American money?

Yeah.

POLICEMAN [ON TV]:
You did say he was mad at you.

MRS. LOCKERT [ON TV]: No,
he always calls on Christmas Eve.


[BELL RINGS]

Now, love...

which one of us is
more dangerous?

HUTCH: Is that
Catlin lady just weird,

or do you think she's involved?

STARSKY: Beats me.

HUTCH: Well, I think
she probably could be

if somebody gave her a chance.

STARSKY: Mm-hmm.
What time is it?

HUTCH: Where's your
watch? STARSKY: On my wrist.

HUTCH: Well? STARSKY: :.

HUTCH: Allen Richards had

an appointment with
Jack in minutes.

STARSKY: Hmm.

You know what I mean?

[CRICKETS CHIRRUP ON TV]

Lipstick.

White Shoulders.

Guess he never saw the sun.

No, I mean the smell.

Perfume.

Hmm.

Like somebody took a bath in it.

Mix that up with
a little chloroform,

who the hell's gonna fight back?

Looks like the house
that Jack built's crumbled.

Medoc, .

A good year.

[GLASSES CLINK]

A very good year.

You want to hear about it?

I want every detail.

The door was open,
as you arranged.

I walked in.

And staring me
in my plastic face

was that g*n.

He took seconds

deciding whether
to blow my brains out

or go for the seduction.

You want to know something?

Oh, indeed I would, love.

Those were the most
perfectly exquisite seconds

of my entire life.

STARSKY: Nothing, huh?

Okay, thanks.

DMV has nothing on Jack's house.

[SIGHS]

They k*lled a boss
and his top salesman.

You think somebody wants

to put Jack's auto
shop out of business?

I didn't know the automobile
business was that competitive.

Hey, I'm also gonna check
out Allen Richards' apartment.

Mm-hmm.

See if anything over
there can tell us something.

Bring Richards to life.

I think I'll check out
Catlin the weirdness.

WOMAN: And go right this way.

I can't believe it. He
was such an ideal tenant.

There were no
conflicts or fights?

Wild parties? Strange visitors?

Oh, no. He was
calm, cooperative.

A nice guy.

Mm-hm. Well,
thank you very much.

Oh, by the way,

would you be interested
in a vacant apartment?

Really, ma'am. The
body isn't even cold.

An empty apartment is.

Uh, I'll lock up when I...

Oh, well, thank you.

Oh, the key's on the
right. Yes, thank you. My!

HUTCH: Last count we've got
eight of these books on mime...


and Richards was k*lled

watching some mime
outside of a restaurant.

That means somebody
did their homework.

We've got one
sh*t, one b*llet...

books on mime...

his buddy and
boss, Jack Morgan...

sitting with a g*n in his lap,

out on an OD of chloroform.

Yeah, some pro has
done his homework.

Now, uh...

according to what
you've got here,

Richards and Morgan went
to the same school together.

Yeah, I read that too.

Graduated, classmates.

That's about the only
tangible lead you've got.

Tangible?

Only about graduates
a year out of that college.

Well, of
'em are still alive.

Jameson's College
is just up the coast.

You better get your fanny
up there and check it out.

What for?

If I knew that, I wouldn't be
sending you up there, would I?

Right.

And by the way,
where's your partner?

Oh, Starsky's
checking out Catlin.

Well, that was last night.

You know, that lady from
the automobile showroom.

Nobody's heard from
him since last night?

Well, knowing Starsky,
he's probably, you know...

He'd better be on his J-O-B.

Right.

Are you forgetting
I know Starsky too?

[BIRDS SINGING]

Ugh! Hey!

Your timing leaves
a lot to be desired.

What are you doing with
that piece of sculpting outside?

You can't afford $,.

CATLIN: Thirty-five, nine.

What did you find out?

It's not worth it. Can't
corner like a Torino.

I'm talking about the case,
Detective Sergeant Starsky.

Lipstick on the butts.

Doesn't match.

Her shoulders are
white, but no perfume.

You are one good detective.

Thanks.

Ah-ah!

Um...

What are you up to?

[SIGHS]

Dobey's sending me
up to Jameson College

to check on those
two dead graduates.

Hmm.

They both went to Jameson.

I am not very good at waiting.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Can I go now?

Hmm? Sure. Thank you.

I'll check things
out at this end.

Oh, I'm sure you will.

David? Mmm?

How do you like your breakfast?

Over easy.

[STUDENTS CHATTERING]

Come now.

This is a class of the
philosophy of crime.

From stealing the cookies
when your mother isn't looking

to murders of convenience.

Now, what I am
trying to communicate

past your well-scrubbed faces

is to let go your preconceptions

about the poor,
downtrodden criminal.

It's nonsense.

The criminal assumes
total responsibility for his life.

If one chooses to steal
or to commit a m*rder,

that is an aggressive exercise

in that individual's behavior.

Yes, Ralph?

Uh, according to you...

it's almost as if the
bad guy's respectable.

What about the victim?

The guy that gets b*rned.

Uh, m*rder*d, let's say.

Ah, the voice of conscience
raises his sacred heart.

The victor as well as the victim

is responsible for
his life and death.

Ah, come now, professor.

Are you telling me that
if somebody murders me,

I'm responsible?

Indeed. And that is the
precise issue we shall deal with

in our next class:

the subtle and obvious ways
we choose our own executions.

MAN [ON CASSETTE TAPE]:
Come at instead of :.

I got to admit I'm
a little nervous.


It's not every day

we try and blackmail
a professional hit man.


So get here early, partner.

We should have our act together
before the professor comes.


Todesco found this in
Allen Richards' apartment.

The voice is identified
as Jack Morgan's.

Shh!

Well, how do you read that?

Well, they're partners.
They're both dead.

Both had appointments
with the professor.

Uh...

I know a dozen con men
who've got the alias of "professor."

Well... it's a : meet.

Allen Richards got b*rned at

and Jack Morgan at :.

Whatever made him nervous,

I'm betting on the professor.

What have you got?

Hello. How are you?

Forget the social amenities.

Fine. No kidding.

What you got?

Look, I've just been
through enough microfilm

and yellowed sheets
of class records

to make me half-blind.

So what? That's your job.

What you got?

Okay, okay.

Allen Richards: good
student, B-plus average.

Jack Morgan, just made
it. Just made it. Stunk.

Last year, the two of them
took three courses together.

First one was European
history taught by Mrs. Andrews.

The second one was a
course in the art of mime

taught by a Professor Bertold.

And the third one was
in the philosophy of crime

taught by a Professor Gage.

After graduation,
they remained friends.

Jack Morgan inherited

that automobile showroom,

and Allen Richards was the...

Let's start with
Professor Bertold, huh?

Allen Richards was
out watching a mime.

Wait a second.
Philosophy of crime.

Hmm?

Philosophy of... I saw that.

I saw that... I saw that book.

I saw that book at the
Allen Richard apartment.

That's it. That's it!

You all right?

Yeah, I'm fine!

And you know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna enroll at the
university in a course,

in philosophy of crime
taught by J. Gage.

That's a mighty long sh*t.

So was the m*rder
of Allen Richards.

Now, what we're
concerned with today

is the fact that the
k*ller and the killee

are married... by choice

and not accident.

Sorry.

Why?

Why what?

Well, why are you sorry?

Well, I'm sorry I came
late, interrupted your class.

I apologize.

Well, why did you come
in late and interrupt?

Can we begin again?

Well, I never stopped.

Well, then, let me explain.

Good.

Just take
responsibility yourself.

Yes, well, I, uh...

I just enrolled.

I'm a nonmatriculating student.

I stopped by the
registrar, and she said

that I could start
the class today,

even though you'd already
been going one day...

if that's all right
with you, professor.

Well, is it all right with you?

[ALL LAUGH]

I... I think I'm being had.

By your own sense
of limiting convention

under the guise of
insincere politeness.

Find a seat.

What's your entire name?

Hutchinson, Ken.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,

you have just witnessed
a prime example

of an act of innocence.

An act, I say.

Hutchinson, Ken, behaved

as if it were all a
matter of bad timing.

Excuse me, professor.

Can we forget
about the bad timing

and just resume the class?

Oh, your timing was
perfect, Hutchinson.

The class never stopped.

You are a living example

of what I'm trying to teach
all these fair-minded students.

When an act of
illegality occurs,

when a breaking of
the rules takes place...

Be it coming late

or stealing the cookies...

or committing a m*rder...

it is intentional and
planned by the individual,

who must assume responsibility
in one form or another.

Correct, Hutchinson, Ken?

I do not ask rhetorical
questions. Do you agree?

As a matter of fact,
I don't. I came late.

That's no crime.

And you certainly
can't equate my act,

which, even if it
was intentional,

which it certainly wasn't,

with m*rder.

That's ludicrous.

You stopped apologizing.

You do have an opinion.

Good.

Now, listen carefully.

The crime is not equal.

That is not what I said.

I did say that...

when we break the rules,

there is that
salacious part of us

that knows it and
does it by choice.

And that part exists
in you, Hutchinson.

And you, Stanley.

And in you, Rachel.

And in the man
who commits m*rder.

Who exercises his
freedom of breaking the rules

and assuming
responsibility for his actions.

DOBEY [ON POLICE
RADIO]: Starsky? This is Dobey.

Where are you?

STARSKY: I'm at
the professor's house.

I'll fill you in later.

DOBEY: Just be careful.

[SHUTS ENGINE OFF]

[WAVES CRASHING ON SHORE]

Hello?

Anybody home?

I-it's not what you think.

How do you know what I think?

You think I'm a thief... right?

No.

Actually, it's that
Mercedes out front.

', right?

I-I'm a nut for old Mercedes

so I, uh...

I rang the bell.

Honest, I did.

Nobody home.

So I know beach living,

so I came around, figuring
there was somebody in the water

or on the porch.

And then I came up, uh...

and I knocked.

I definitely did.

And, uh...

well, I ended up inside...

figuring that, well, uh...

[SIGHS]

Here we are.

Yes, aren't we.

Yeah.

What do you want?

Your forgiveness, a glass
of water and a Mercedes,

in that order.

Water. Ah. Thanks.

Mmm. It's good.

Cold.

Uh...

You wouldn't be
interested in, uh,

selling it, huh?

The Mercedes?

Yes.

You would?

Yes.

How much would you want for it?

How much do you
think it's worth?

A lot more than I have,

if you want to know the truth.

You a cop?

You a criminal?

You're a cop.

Surf's up.

I have some questions.

You gonna take me
downtown, officer?

If necessary, yeah.

Get a warrant, call my lawyer...

and rock and roll.

STARSKY: What do you mean

the judge won't give us a writ?

The judges have to be careful.

A lot of the boys
are taking their writs

and intimidating people
instead of investigating.

They're getting very
sensitive, and I don't blame 'em.

But there's a note from the
two dead men on his wall.

And all it says is "We know."

That's not exactly evidence
pointing to a m*rder, is it?

Look, we don't
want to charge him.

We just want to bring
him in and question him,

check his bank
account, his dental plates.

Anything to make a connection.

Oh, like a motive.

Would you hand me
the mustard there?

All right. Bring him in.

No.

STARSKY AND DOBEY: What?

Well, the guy...

I sat, or rather, squirmed
in that man's class today.

I gotta tell you,

he's slick, cool...

and probably very dangerous.

There's no way we're
gonna pin him against the wall

with any kind of interrogation.

I mean, he'd bounce
us against the wall

with his exercise of freedom,

before his lawyer
could spring him.

So how are we gonna
bring him in, genius?

The student is gonna
give the teacher a lesson.

The police know.

They suspect.

They'll investigate.

They already started.

What shall they find?

Ashes?

Is being k*lled by
an assassin's g*n

any less a su1c1de

than jumping off a
-story building?

Let me diagram the
lives of two people

who have...

How marvelous.

It's not often
that I'm surprised

in this ambience.

Whom do I have to thank?

Ah, very well. Let's, uh...

solve this mystery.

Albeit somewhat banal.

First three words,
what do they connote?

Well..."I also know"

means... obviously

that they share some
information with others.

Obvious.

More?

Possibly with... Jack and Allen.

Actually, it implies
a thr*at, I believe.

Exactly.

Of what nature?

RALPH: Well...

it's sort of blackmail.

Something happened.

The writer knows.

Jack and Allen possibly know.

And the writer wants money,

as indicated by
the dollar signs.

Yeah, it's a little
gauche in style.

The underlining,
exclamation point,

reflect a certain
nouveau riche mentality.

The author is obviously

of a lower-middle
economic consciousness.

But what is missing?

Now, come, come.

For a thr*at to be viable...
For blackmail to work,

if that is indeed
what this is...

we need to know
the "or else" clause.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Well, it, uh...

It seems implied, professor,

that either the party
come up with the money

or the blackmailer
will go to the authorities

with damaging information.

Wrong.

Really? Why?

Well, if he did that, he's
liable to be arrested himself,

on any number of charges:

Withholding
information, blackmail...

and who knows
what other complicity.

And if he does

what Mr. Hutchinson
suggests, class...

what else does he lose?

His clout.

Exactly.

As you succinctly put it,

he abandons the privacy
of the information...

and the opportunity
for compensation.

It's a good thing you're not
matriculating, Hutchinson,

because, frankly, you
would not be graded highly.

[BELL RINGS]

Mr. Hutchinson?

Uh... shall we
take a little walk?

Well, now, how do
you find the class?

Fascinating.

You're a... little bit older
than many of the students.

I'm a late bloomer.

You did write that message.

Give the professor an A.

Well, maybe we
should, uh, talk a bit.

That's what we're
doing, isn't it?

Well, Hutchinson, we have

a great many things to discuss,

And this is, uh...

This is hardly the place.

How about my
place? I-I live in...

I know where
you live, professor.

I've done my homework.

Do you?

You constantly surprise
me, Mr. Hutchinson.

My place, then? Say an hour?

Say two hours.

But not in your place.

On the beach about
yards north of the house.

Wear a pair of
pants and a shirt.

[LAUGHS]

Can't we be civilized about it?

Say, having a drink
on my porch, or...?

I know a lot of civilized
people who are dead.

On the beach, clean,
carrying nothing.

Two hours.

Crazy.

This guy's a pro.

One b*llet, no miss time.

I mean, how do you expect
to avoid the same fate

as his other two
unfavorite students, hmm?

I'm counting on you.

Terrific.

Let me have those things.

[STARTS CAR]

[STARTS CAR]

The car?

Packed. Gas t*nk full.

Bank accounts?

Empty. We have the cash.

Excellent. Tickets?

At the airport. Reservations
confirmed to Rio.

Well, Rio will be excellent
for this time of year.

By the time the
authorities figure it all out,

we'll have been
in three countries

and changed our
identities twice.

You're marvelous.

I know.

Good.

Now, I will try to get
oceanside of Hutchinson, Ken,

and when I'm sure he
hasn't left any information

with anyone else...

I will bend down and
ostensibly pick up a seashell...

[THUD]

Isn't that kind of chancy?

Whatever happened to

preparation as
part of the process?

There isn't any time.

Besides, a sign of
a true professional

is his ability to improvise.

Are you up to it?

I wouldn't have
it any other way.

[KISSING SOUND]

[WAVES CRASHING]

Water's warm today.

I, uh...

I've got the money for you.

But how do I know that you
haven't told anyone else?

You're gonna have
to take my word for it.

Jack and Allen told me

that they hadn't
told anyone else.

Well, they lied. They told me.

Well, how do I know that
you're not lying to me?

Uh, because I'm selfish...

and I would have had to
share a piece with them.

And I don't share with anybody.

They were also dumb.

That's why they're dead.

You are much
smarter, Mr. Hutchinson.

Ken.

Ken.

It's a rather beautiful shell.

STARSKY [YELLING]: Hutch!

[f*ring sh*ts]

[VOICE ECHOES]: Mickie!

GAGE: You could have k*lled her.

Yeah, I could
have, but I didn't.

[SEAGULLS CAW]

RACHEL: Looks like we can
forget about our fish dinner.

Mmm.

Hey, you guys, you
gotta think positively.

STARSKY: I think
it's positively hopeless.

It gets dark in a
couple hours, Ken.

Look, you gotta have a
little faith in this business,

a little patience.

[SIGHS]

There's probably a
whole school of fish

running around
down there right now.

STARSKY: They're
probably as bored as I am.

Maybe it's your equipment, Ken.

Sweetheart, this is a
brand-new rod and reel.

It's gonna take him
a year to pay it off.

Starsky, without exception,

this is the finest
fishing equipment

that money can buy.

Well, it's a shame the
fish don't know that.

Whoa! Oh!

And don't they now, dirtball?

Oh, my, my. I've
got a big one. Whoa!

That's it. Go get 'em, Ken!

Is it really a fish?

Oh, no. No. It's
a border collie.

Oh, are we gonna have
a fish dinner tonight!

Well, Starsky, don't
just sit there. Get a net!

A net? Get a net!

A net. Get a net!

Okay, all right. Where is it?

Come on. Get it!

Where is it? Oh,
this is a biggie!

Where is it?!

Hold this.

What? Hold this!

Okay. I got it.

Yeah, well, let
me out. Let me out!

I've got it. Okay.

Oh, it's a big one.

I've got it! I've got it!

I've got it! Get
the net, will you?!

I'm getting it! Get it! Get it!

The line's gone dead.

Oh, terrific.

HUTCH: No, it
hasn't. No, it hasn't.

It's just an old trick the
fish play to fake you out.

Uh. Uh. He's still on.

He is? Yeah.

I got it. Woah.

Whoa!

[SPLASH]

Well, uh...

Uh, let's have a
spaghetti dinner, huh?

I'll buy... huh?
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