02x22 - Art Work

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Taxi". Aired: September 12, 1978 – June 15, 1983.*
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This Emmy-winning sitcom follows the lives of a group of cabbies in New York.
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02x22 - Art Work

Post by bunniefuu »

( theme music playing )

Hey, guys, get your money out,
I'm going to make you rich.

What's up, Tony?

I got a tip on a fight
on the island.

We can't lose.
You know how I know?

He's fighting you?

Better than that.

Nothing's better than that.

Thank you.

I heard these two guys talking
in the gym

about this light heavyweight
named Johnson, right?
Yeah? Yeah?

He's got a broken right hand,

but he's going to fight anyway
'cause he needs the money.

Ooh, that sounds
good to me.
I'm in.

Me, too.
I'm in. I'm in.

Hey, Latka, do you
want to get in on this bet?

A bet?
Yeah.

Okay.

Oh, come on, guys.

What?

ALEX:
Yeah, What?

Do you have to get
Latka involved in this?

Elaine, listen,
we know you get
a little irrational

when it come to
gambling, so...

No, it's not that.

It's just that, you know,
Latka doesn't make much money

and he has
to work so hard,

and he's sending money
to people back home. Besides,

I bet he doesn't even know
what he's betting on.

TONY:
Sure he does.

That's right.

Okay, what are you betting on?

Uh...

the horse racing.

No.

Uh... football.

Nope.

Badminton?

Latka...

Chin-punching.

Latka,
it's boxing,

and it's
a sure thing.

There's no sure thing.

Hey, listen, Latka,
it's your money

and you can do
what you want.

That's right, Latka.

What would
you do, Alex?

Me?
Yeah.

What do you mean,
if I was you?
Yeah.

I would tell Elaine, uh...

( in Latka's voice ):
Elaine, Elaine...

this fellow has
a broken hand,

and I could win many dollars,

and that would make
my family and me very happy.

Thank you very much.

You may laugh,

but I know people
who talk like that.

I'm in.

There we go.
All right.

Listen, I'll call the bet in,
all right?

Thanks
a lot, Alex.

Hey, come on...

Are you going
to bet, too, boss?

I have one very firm
rule in my life:

I don't eat at
the same table,

bet on the same side,

or climb on the same
airplane as losers.

Be gone, Iggy.

Okey-doke.

ALEX:
Hey, Tony,

thanks a lot for
letting us in on that tip.

Hey, don't mention it, Alex.

Oh, it's a sweet one.

Hey, Tony? Tony, the guy's name
is Johnson, right?

That's right,
that's our man

and he's going down.

Yeah, well, the guy Johnson's
fighting is named Johnson, too.

Wow.

What a coincidence.

I wonder how many Johnsons
there could be?

At least two, and they're
fighting each other tonight.

What do we do, Tone?

Oh, geez...

Just bet on one of them.

We got a 50-50 chance
on a sure thing.

Listen, you just have
a nice day, okay?

Yeah, thanks a lot.

You must all promise to keep me
informed of your flight plans.

ALEX:
Elaine...

if you value our friendship,

you will not put that smirk
into words.

Oh, I'm sorry, guys.

I don't mean to make
you feel any worse than you do.

It's just that I see
you guys miss every day.

Every day you come in here
with some sure thing

and it never works out.

And every day at that gallery

I see rich people
getting richer.

I mean, they are always
gambling, and it never misses.

Just once, I'd like
to see somebody like us

make some money.

Oh, me, too.

But how?

By making intelligent
investments,

you know, like in art
for example.

Art?

You bet on painters?

Yeah, in a way.

See, I find paintings

that I know are going
to go up in value

and then I get other
people to invest in them

and then they become rich.

Hey, wait a
minute, Elaine.

If you could do it
for other people,

you could do it for us.

You could do it
for yourself.

Oh, no,
I don't think so.

Come on, Elaine, Elaine,
We can pool our money

and you can
invest it

in some art
for us.

I'm in, and there'll be
more tomorrow

when I get my fight money.

Oh, please.

No, guys, I don't like
to look at art that way.

See, I was just using
art as an example.

Oh, no, but, Elaine, you
have inside information.

I know I've got
inside information, but, um,

I love art, and I hate using it
to make money.

Besides, how much
could we raise?

As much as we need.

Come on, come on,
let's do it.

Yeah, Yeah, come on,
what do you say, huh?

No, No, No. I promised myself
I'd never do it. No.

This could be
the best thing

that's ever
happened for us.

No, guys, I mean,
this is final.

That's it, forget it.

Boy.

I don't think you ever had
any inside information.

I think you were just
trying to impress us.

As a matter of fact,

I know of a great
investment right now.

You do?

Yes. There's an artist
named Max Duffin,

and he's going to
be so big. I mean,

next week at an auction
we could get a painting
for $2,000,

and by the end
of the year

it'd be worth $5,000.

$5,000?

We could make a fortune if we
kept doing that.

Yeah, well, maybe
not a fortune

but $100,000 apiece.

100... well, it would
still be worth it.

Listen, Elaine, please,
come on, okay? Come on.

Yeah, come on, Elaine,
don't deny us a Duffin.

No.

Elaine, Elaine, don't
let this chance slip by.

Do you remember "If"?

"If"?

Yeah, "If"
by Rudyard Kipling.

"If you could make one heap
of all your winnings

"and risk it on one turn
of pitch-and-toss, and lose

"and start again
at your beginnings

"and never
breathe a word

about your loss..."

"If you can talk
with crowds

"and keep
your virtue

"or walk with kings--
nor lose the common touch.

"If neither foes nor loving
friends can hurt you.

"If all men count with
you, but none too much.

"If you can fill
the unforgiving minute

"with sixty seconds' worth
of minutes run

"then yours
is the earth

"and everything that's in it

and, which is more,
you will be a man, my son!"

Where the hell did I learn that?

Okay, you got me.

We did?

Yeah, we'll do it.
We'll do it.

( all cheer )

Okay, now, you're sure

this guy's work
is going to go up, right?

I'm positive.

Well, because there's
this thing, you know,

um, that I really
don't want to talk about

because it's terrible
and sort of ghoulish.

Well, what is that?

Well... well, okay.

It's kind of morbid, you know,

but it's a reality
of the art business.

See, um...
Max Duffin is an old man,

and he's in very bad health.

And, well, uh, an artist's work
always goes up in value

after the artist... dies.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, I've known works

to triple and
quadruple in value

the day after
the artist passed away.

Oh, I'm feeling so creepy
even talking about it.

Yeah, ooh, let's not talk
about that, no.

How sick is he?

Louie, I don't want
to talk about it.

Well, you don't
have to give me

the gruesome details.

Can he eat solid food?

Does he recognize visitors?

Is he on any machines?

I mean, is there a plug
somebody might accidentally...

Whoop! Trip over?

Hey, Louie, what do you care?

Well, suddenly,
this investment interests me.

I mean, as I see it, buying one
of the old geezer's paintings

is like betting
he's going to die.

We can't lose.

What do you
mean "we"?

I want in.

Hey, forget it, Louie.

No way, Louie.

No, wait a minute, hold on.

You two dumb bozos can't
decide for everybody.

All the dumb bozos
have to have a say.

All right, let's be
democratic about it.

All those
in favor

of keeping Louie
out of this deal

signify so by
spitting on
his shoes.

Now, wait,
hold on, here.

You better
think this over.

I mean, this is not
penny-ante stuff here.

I mean, we're dealing with
big stakes here, boys and girls.

You need somebody
who's got a bankroll.

I got money.

Why don't we vote on it?

Maybe we should.

BOBBY:
Oh, we don't
need to vote...

No, I think we do.
Uh, Louie...

Would you mind giving us
a little privacy

so we can talk about this?

Why, certainly.

I'll just sit over here

turn my back away and,
uh, you know,

you just pretend
I'm not in the room,

and I'll respect
the confidentiality

of your discussion.

I hate him.

Okay, look,
maybe he's right.

Maybe we do
need his money.

No. Come on,
we got enough
amongst ourselves.

How much you said
we needed, $2,000?

Yeah.

Okay. How much are we
all going to throw in?

A ballpark
figure, Tony.

What do you think?

Oh, 200 bucks.

All right. Bobby?

About the same.

Elaine?
Maybe $250?

ALEX:
Good. Latka?

350 Brokniks.

How much is that
in American money?

Nothing.

Jim, Jim...

$18.

Is that all?

Hey, I can buy and sell Latka.

Okay, uh, so
without you, Alex,

we have about $700

and with you
we have...?

A desperate need for Louie.

I'm sorry. I blew my whole
bankroll on that skiing trip.

I'm sorry.

Okay, but no-- guys,
this is our chance.

Come on, this
one painting

could do it for us.

Really. Whatever we have
to do we should do it.

Trust me on this.

I'm the practical
one, remember?

Guess there's only
one way to settle it.

Let's vote.

Okay, but look, let's make
it unanimous-- unanimous.

Otherwise, he's
not in, okay?

( all agree )
Jim.

All those in favor
of keeping Louie in,

raise your hands.

Raise it or lose
it, Wheeler.

That a boy.

You know, I... I've-I've heard
that there's a thrill

associated with coming
in contact with great art,

but I never realized how true
it was until this very moment.

Bobby, these are just prints.

They're copies
of original paintings.

They're almost
worthless.

The actual paintings
for auction

are in the other room.

Oh.

Alex, just so you'll be
informed,

I want to explain
what this paddle is for.

You see, you use it...

I know what
it's for, Elaine.

I'm not a total dummy.

I know something
about the world of culture.

Okay.

Hey, what's it for?

What do you mean,
this paddle?
Yeah.

Well, it's for making your bid.
Well, it's for making
your bid.

You hold it up to be
You hold it up to be

recognized by
the auctioneer.
recognized by the auctioneer.

Does that explain it
for you, Bob?

Oh, good, you gave Latka
the day off.

Yeah, I told him
that all he had to do

is fix the problem in cab 643,
he could come with us.

Oh, did you
get it fixed?

Uh... almost.

What's that?

Uh... uh...
I don't know.

That's the problem.

Oh, no.

Jim...

I thought you were
going to dress up.

Yeah, I loaned
you a suit. What happened?

I know, but it didn't
fit me, except the tie.

As luck would have it,

we've got the
same tie size.

Yeah, that
is lucky.

Guys, why
don't we go in

and get
a good seat.

Oh, okay.

Whew. Hey, Elaine

better tell us
what to do in there.

We never been to
nothing like this.

Oh, Tony, don't worry
about it, just relax.

I'm going to take
care of the bidding,

so, uh, you guys just try to
maintain an air of dignity.

So...

Miss Nardo,
which one is ours?

( whispers )

Oh.

This is worth
2,000 bucks?

Yes, and it's
going up as we're
talking about it.

Gee, you know, it's untitled.

For 2,000 bucks, you'd think
they'd throw in a name.

You... you
know something?

I like it.

LATKA:
Me, too.

It is
very pretty.

Yeah?

Well, enjoy it all
you want now,

because we're only
holding onto this rag

until the old
geezer croaks,

and then it's gone.

Well, on that
inspiring note,

I think we better
take our seats.

Why don't we sit in the front
where we can be heard?

But there's only
one seat left in the front.

Not for long.

( starts to cough )

( clears throat )

( hawks up phlegm )

( hacking loudly )

( heaves )

( coughing loudly )

( hacks )

( snorts )

( coughing )

Way to go, Louie.

It's just what
I expected--

they estimate our
painting will sell

for between $1,000
and $1,800.

We only have $2,000.

Louie, are you sure you
can't go any further?

I told you, I got
every penny I own

sunk into this deal.

I thought you said you
had a lot of money.

Yeah, but it's
not in cash.

Most of my assets are
tied up in investments.

I know I'm going to
regret asking this:

what sort of investments

are your assets
tied up in, Lou?

Well, right now all my money's
in a nursing home in Jersey.

I mean, you know, nursing homes
are a really good deal.

The only problem is
the people that run this one

spend too much money on upkeep,
you know,

and there's not enough profits
to go around.

Why don't you
straighten them out, Lou?

I tried. I told them,

"Those people don't eat
three meals a day." I mean,

their memories are so bad

they don't know whether they
had three meals or a cr*cker.

I say let them sleep.

Louie?

What?

You're a
slime, Louie.

Ladies and gentlemen, we're
about to begin the auction.

All right,
all right,

let's settle down here
and concentrate.

Our first item today

will be a painting
by Wallace Leidegger

entitled Nude at Daybreak.

All right!

My God, I know her!

She's dyed her hair,
but that's her.

Jim, Jim,
sit down.

And may we have $1,800
to start, please?

$1,800. Thank you--
$1,800 is bid.

19 for it-- $1,900.
Now $2,000.

LOUIE:
Hey, Elaine, our
painting's next.

Now, as I see it,
it's in our best interest

that we make
everybody else think

it's worthless, right?

Louie, please.

Our next painting is
another work by Max Duffin.

Yike!

Whew!

How did that
get in here?

( blows a raspberry )

Yuck!

Ugh!

This painting is untitled.

I got one for it.

How about "Garbage"?

( all shushing Louie )

What is
wrong with you?

Okay, listen,
everybody, this is it.

Now, pay attention.

May we have $1,000
to start this painting, please?

$1,000--
Thank you.

$1,000...
$1,000.

$1,100.

now at 11-- $1,100 is bid-- 12.

$1,200...
Now at 12.

$1,300, please.

$1,300 is
bid... 14.

$1,400.

It's going too fast.

Fifteen.

$1,500...

Going at
14... 15.

$1,500.

Oh, you...

What's with
this guy?

It's getting too high!

Well, let's bring
it down a little.

One hundred bucks,
and that's my final offer!

At $1,500.

$1,600... and don't
do that again, sir.

$1,600 once... and 17.

You're getting on my nerves!

18... $1,800
is bid.

19... $1,900... now at $1,900.

$2,000...
$2,000.

$2,000 at two.

At $2,000 once...

We got it, we got it.

$2,000 twice...

Oh, we got it,
we got it, we got it!

$2,000 third...

and $2,100
is bid.

You better hope you don't
spend your twilight years

at Sunset Acres!

( growls )

Hey, listen,
we need more money!

Yeah. Louie, don't
you have any more?

I told you
it's all I got!

Somebody's got to
have some money, man.

I can't believe we're
going to lose this
painting for $100.

$2,200.

For $200.

$2,200...
23...

Oh, great, now all
we need is $400.

Now may we hear 25?

May we see 25?

Thank you,
sir, $2,500.

25, 26... going to ask 27, 28...

go for broke-- what do you care?

Look at your
nice suit...!

You probably got a maid
and a butler!

( chair crashing )

You got maids,
you got everything!

At 2,500...

At 25...
may we have

$2,700, please?

May we... $2,700.

$2,700...
now 29.

$2,900,
$2,900 is bid...

At $2,900.

At $2,900
once...

at $2,900 twice...

at $2,900...

and sold

for $2,900,
number 498.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I have some bad news for you.

I have just been
handed a note

that Max Duffin, the artist

of the last two paintings
that we sold,

d*ed this morning
at his home in New Mexico.

Oh, no!

That's not fair!

That's not...

God, why, God?

Well...

this should be
a lesson to me.

I thought maybe,
maybe just this once,

maybe once, I could have
some dealings with losers

and not get b*rned.

It can't be done.

It just cannot be done.

But, you know, if you guys
were at Normandy,

we'd all be eating strudel
right now.

Oh, come on, Louie,
knock it off.

We feel as bad
as you do.

No, you don't.

Now you don't.

Defeat and humiliation
are a way of life for you.

It's bad for my system.

Elaine, what happened?

How come everything

was more than
we could afford?

It just goes to
prove one thing:

You got to have
money to make money.

I must admit
I feel pretty silly

getting all dressed
up for nothing.

Come on.

Come on, let's go to Mario's,
have a beer.

Okay, yeah.

You guys
go on ahead.

I'm going
to stay here

and look around
for a while.

Look around at what?

I came here to buy

a... piece of art.

I feel like...
buying a piece of art.

I mean, uh, I'm going to buy
one of these things.

They are for sale, aren't they?

Mm-hmm.

So, they may not be original.

I mean, I may not make
any money from it.

I'm not, am I?

So what? I'm going to
buy something I like.

Well...
actually, I...

there is some stuff here
I kind of like, too.

Yeah, maybe I'll
buy something, too.

I got some wall
space to cover up.

Well, yeah, let's look around.

And, you know, if you don't see
anything you like here,

I know a lot of places.

Okay.

Yeah.

LOUIE:
Nardo...

I mean, what's
the big deal here?

I mean, why buy
any of this junk

if it's worthless?

Louie, I think
it has a value

that you can't
understand.

Hold on, here.

Now, correct me if I'm wrong,

but I think
you just called me a slob.

I mean,

I'll show you
what kind of slob I am.

Hey, there, cookie.

I want one of your
classiest things here--

something by... Vincent Van
Patten, or one of those guys.

ALEX:
Hey, Elaine?

This is a reproduction,
isn't it?

Mm-hmm.

Is it good?

Do you like it?

Yeah, I like it
a lot.

Then that's good.

Then I'm going to buy it.

Okay.

Come on...

with me.

( theme music playing )

WOMAN:
Night, Mr. Walters.

( grunts )
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