02x23 - Fantasy Borough: Part 1

[bunniefuu]

( theme music playing )

Hey, guys.

You're never gonna believe
who I had in my cab last night.

Who?

Guess.

We give up. Who?

What's-his-name.

Hey, it is what's-his-name.

That's Herve Villechaize.
Yeah.

Yeah, you know, the little guy
from Fantasy Island.

He left these pictures
in my cab last night.

Well, your first celebrity fare.
Congratulations.

Well, it's not my first, Alex.

You see, uh, once I had a guy

who went to school
with Leonard Nimoy.

Hey!

Is that that guy--
the guy from Fantasy Island?

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, I-I do
an impression of him.

Cracks Ma up every time.

You want to hear it?

No.
No.
No.

Okay, it goes like this here.

( imitating Villechaize ):
Hey, boss. Hello, boss.

How are you, boss?

Here come the plane, boss.

What you want, boss?

You like it?

Not bad, but could
you do the guy

who went to school
with Leonard Nimoy?

Envy is an ugly emotion,
Rieger.

Bye-bye, boss.

See you.

Hey, Nardo. How are you?

Hey, Banta.

How you doing?

BOBBY:
Hey, Tony!

You know,
he left a negative in here.

He's probably
going to need this stuff.

Oh, yeah? I better call him.

I left him off at the Plaza.

Ooh, Tony, could you get
his autograph for my kids?

I'll see
what I can do.

Uh, what is going on here?

Oh, Latka, Tony had this big
TV star in his cab last night.

Yeah, from Fantasy Island--
look.

They probably don't
get Fantasy Island

in Latka's country.

They usually get
old rerun our old
shows, you know.

What's your most popular TV
show in your country, Latka?

Oh, I would say, The Drofnikis.

What's that?

Oh... "Hey, Ralphie boy--
how you doing?

"Oh, Alice,
one of these days, pow!

Right, right, right in...
right into the moon."

Oh, yeah, yeah--
The Honeymooners.

And also, you know,
we also enjoy I Nik-nik Lucy.

Yeah, well, we enjoy
that one, too, Latka.

He wasn't there,
but I left our number.

He's going to call later.

So what is this, uh,
Fantasy Island?

Well, actually, Latka,

there really
isn't a fantasy island.

Boy, I wish there was
a place like that.

Imagine, someplace you could go
and live out all your fantasies.

You got fantasies
you want to live out, Tony?

Oh, sure.

Like what?

I ain't gonna
talk about 'em.

They're private.

( chuckles )
I know what it is.

Middleweight Champion
of the World, right?

Ha, ha, ha.

You only say that
'cause all you think I am

is a dumb boxer.

Not true, Banta.

I don't think
you're a dumb boxer.

You don't, Lou?

No.

I thank you're a bad boxer.

I think you're a dumb person.

Well, I think you guys
would be real surprised

if you really knew
what I really thought about.

New York University, please.

NYU, right.

Hey, you know who you are?

You're Eric Sevareid.

That's right.

I'm Tony Banta.

How do you do?

You're a very famous guy.

I see you on TV a lot.

You know, I'm a cabdriver.

Why you going to NYU?

Well, I'm attending
the G.O.S.G. Conference.

Oh, yeah.

The Gathering Of Smart Guys.

I read about it
in the papers.

Tonight, I'm actually going
to be in a debate.

It must be tough coming up
with opinions all the time.

I know-- I come up with one
myself every now and then.

Makes my head hurt.

That is the price we pay.

Except nobody ever
wants to listen

to what I got to say.

I'd like to listen
to what you've got to say.

Oh, yeah?

Well, you know what I think
is stupid, Mr. Sevareid?

You don't mind if I
call you Mr. Sevareid?

Certainly not.

I think it's stupid that
half the world is fighting.

I mean, it seems to me that if
the leaders of these countries

want to fight, they should fight
and leave us out of it.

I think you're going
a little too fast for me, Tony.

Let the leaders of these
countries put on the gloves

and go a couple of rounds.

The match I'd like to
see is Carter-Castro.

Castro's got the weight on him.

You know, but Jimmy's wiry,
and he does a lot of roadwork.

Now, what you're suggesting

is a civilized alternative
to w*r.

There you go.

What an extraordinary idea.

Tell me, what would you do,
for example, about world hunger?

World hunger, huh?

Well, like all those fancy
White House parties. Right?

Instead of inviting
all those rich people,

invite some poor people.

I mean, rich people can afford
to feed themselves, right?

You seem to have a perspective
on world events

that somehow eludes
the average man.

You're no slouch yourself.

You know...

you know, Tony,
you could fit right in

at the G.O.S.G. Meeting.

How do I get in?

You just have to say something
very intelligent at the door.

What should I say?

Anything you've said tonight
would be fine.

Hey, if I say
two smart things,

can I bring a date?

I just want you to come
and be on my side in the debate.

Who are we debating?

Bill Buckley...

Henry Kissinger...

and John Kenneth Galbraith.

We'll kick their butt.

Indubitably.

Now what would Tony
fantasize about?

I mean, let me see.

If it's not being a dumb boxer,

and it's not being
a dumb cabbie,

it must be a dumb
something else.

( laughs ):
This is tough, Banta.

You could be a dumb anything.

( chuckling )

LATKA:
You know,
I have a fantasy.

ELAINE:
Oh, yeah?

What is it, Latka?

Well...
LOUIE:
Wait a minute.

Before you tell them
your fantasy,

you want to hear my fantasy?

My fantasy is:
What would it be like

if all those busted cabs
got fixed?

That's a good one.
Yeah?

Well, you better
get back to work,

otherwise you're going
to be fantasizing

about where your next meal's
coming from. Go on.

But...
Get... no buts.

Just get back
to work, Latka.

But...
Work!

Ooh... Louie.

Ooh...

I have a fantasy all right.

( speaking native language )

Some day...

( speaking native language )

Well?

ALL:
Good morning, Mr. Gravas.

Hello.

You may all sit now.
Good morning.

You are looking very chipper
off the old block, today.

Okay.

Ah, assistants.

Hello.

Okay.

You're feeling good today?

Yeah?

Okay, losers.

Now, we have to get all the cabs
out of here.

So, Ben Garetski, you take 915.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Eh... all right, Banta.

You're taking 1102.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Gravas.

I can't take 1102. It's broken.

Broken?

Yeah, the brakes are out.

What? Louie! Louie De Palma!

Where is that dumb fellow?

Come on, Louie.

Oh...

I'm coming, Mr. Gravas.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.
I was in the bathroom

when I heard you calling me.
I'm sorry.

The bathroom?

But you went to the
bathroom yesterday.

Is this going to be
a habit with you?
No.

All right, no more
going to the bathroom

till you fix
all the cabs.

Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.

Now, I want to know why...

eh, eh, why
1102 is still broken?

Oh, I'll tell
you, Mr. Gravas,

I was going to
fix it yesterday,

but then I had
this terrible thing happened.

My mother fell
and broke her hip,

and I had to take her
to the hospital.

Oh, so, no excuse, huh?

All right. I have warned you
about this thing.

Eh, you know what this means?

Okay.

Attention.

Halt.

Down.

Not you. You get...

Don't... don't joke
around with me.

Don't be wise guy.

Okay? Don't do...
Now, eh...

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Mr. Gravas.

Now, eh, bl-blindfold?

( Louie moans )

ALEX:
Latka.

One last cigarette.

Okay.

Here, Lou.

( coughing )

He doesn't smoke.

All right.

( coughing )

Ready. Aim...
( coughing )

No, Latka, please!

Please, Latka. No.

Please, Latka.

Latka. Latka!

Latka!

Latka! Latka!

What are you doing,

sitting around
like a zombie?

I told you to fix those cabs.

Now get back to work!

( groans )

Fire.

( ringing )

Sunshine Cab Company.

Yeah, sure.

Hey, Tony, for you.

It's probably him.

How do I look?

Just stunning.

( voice cracks ):
Hel-lo?

( clears throat )

Hello?

Yeah, this is Tony Banta.

Is this really you?

Hey, guys, I'm talking
to Herve Villechaize.

Yeah, I'm the cabdriver

that picked you up
at the airport.

Yeah, you left some photos
in my cab, yeah.

Pictures of you
and Ricky Montalban.

Yeah, so what do you
want me to do?

Bring 'em around the hotel?

I could leave 'em at the desk.

No, Banta.

( material ripping )

Don't-don't give him those back.

Charge him for them.

You may get a reward.

Louie, Louie, leave me...

Come on, Banta,
he's a big star.

He's rolling in dough.

He uses $20 bills
to train his dog.

Anything you say,
Mr. Villechaize.

"Anything you say,
Mr. Villechaize."

Let me talk to him.

No way, Louie.
Come on.

You...? Yeah?
You could do that?

"You could do that?"

Sure. You bet.

Yeah, I'll be here. Okay.

Just goes to show you.

The bigger they are,
the nicer they are.

He's coming to the garage
to pick up his pictures.

You're kidding!

LOUIE:
Banta!

I don't why you
never listen to me.

Louie, the guy said

the pictures
weren't that important.

Banta, sometimes, you're
so stupid I want to cry.

Of course he's
going to say that.

That's why he's a big
star, and you're a bozo.

Well, at least I get to do
my impression of him in person.

Louie, if you do
that impression of him,

you are going to
humiliate and embarrass

everyone who sees it.

Why are you encouraging him?

( imitating Villechaize ):
I'm going to do
my impression, boss,

and you can stick it
in your ear, Rieger.

Herve's coming
all the way here.

Yeah, and it wasn't even
my idea.

I mean, he said he had to be
in the city anyway

to do some kind
of promotional stuff.

Oh, you know, that's so nice

that he's going to come down
to the garage, you know,

instead of making you
go to the hotel.

I'll probably be like that
when I make it as an actor, too.

Oh, you mean modest, humble,
and unassuming.

Oh, wonderfully so.

You know, I might've known

that you'd fantasize
about being a great actor.

Elaine, you must think
I'm really shallow,

that that's all
I ever think about

is being a famous actor.

I have other dreams, too.

( audience cheering on TV )

ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen,

the famous singer,
Bobby Wheeler!

( cheering )

( rock music playing )

WOMAN:
Bobby!

* Punches in at 7:00

* Just putting in his time

* Slaving for that dollar

* Got to toe the line

* Ooh, ooh, all day long

* You're just getting by

* Waiting
for that late-night high *

* City boy

* Love the nightlife

* City girls

* Dancing in the moonlight

* City boy

* He makes his midnight move

* City girls...
Wheeler?

Bobby Wheeler?

Yeah,
he's on the television.

It's the seventh time
they've run this special.

* City boy

* You're not in love tonight

It's Wheeler.

Of course it
is, you bum.

Who else could deliver
a song like that?

Shh!

Hey, I know him.

I used to know him.

Sure you do.

Yeah.

I mean it. I mean it.

He used to work for me.

* And he counts those hours

* She's still on his mind

( crowd cheering loudly )

* Mm, but they danced
with a... *

* At 5:00
he's gonna hit those streets *

* City boy

* Mm, love the moonlight...

WOMAN:
Bobby!

Bobby Wheeler!

( excited screaming )

( all talking excitedly )

( song continues on TV )

Thank you. Thank you.

I-I just wanted to come back
and see my humble beginnings.

Yeah, this is it.

Nice to see you again.

I'll prove it.
I'll prove it.

Hey, hey, hey!

Bobby!

Bobby! Tell them.

This drunk's been trying
to say he knows you.

Just ignore him.

Tell them that I know you.

Bob, tell them.

They don't believe me, Bob.

( laughing )

Yeah.

It'll cost you a buck.

Bob.

Bob...

this is my last buck.

How am I going to eat?

Louie, you know the rules.

Come on, now, hand it over.

Come on. Come on.

All right.

Tell them.

I never saw the man
before in my life.

Bob!

Come on, drinks on me.

( excited chatter )

BOBBY:
You got a pen?

Drinks for everybody.

( applause and cheering )

* City boy

* Oh, this girl will k*ll you

* City boy

* She'll make you do it.

Hi, guys.

Yo, Jim.

Hi, Jim.

How you doing?

What's up?

We're just sitting around,
talking about fantasies.

Ah...

So, do you have
any fantasies, Jim?

Nah. You know me.

I'm a pretty down-to-earth
type of guy.

Come on.

You mean to tell us you don't
fantasize about nothing?

Well...

Uh, I don't know
if you'd call it a fantasy,

but sometimes I think
about doing a little traveling.

You know...

getting away from it all.

( loud whirring )

( loud clattering )

( electronic beeps )

( distorted ):
Jim Ignatowski?

Yo.

We want you to come with us.

Uh...

We want to take you
to our world.

Uh, why do you want me?

You sure you
got the right guy?

You don't even know me.

Oh, yes, we do.

We know you very well.

You don't understand
why everybody wants jobs,

why everybody
wants to get ahead.

You don't know
what the point is,

and you don't care.

That's true.

You haven't read a newspaper
in years,

and you live in fear of someone
starting a conversation with you

about what's going on
in the world.

Yeah, that's me all right.

You're wearing every piece
of clothing you own.

When you talk,
everyone looks puzzled.

The universe is a source
of wonder and amusement to you.

Yeah, that's me.

But why do you want me to go?

Because we love
and understand you.

Okeydoke.

Wow, you guys are funny looking.

( loud whirring )

Hi, guys.

Hi, Mr. Villechaize.

Are you Mr. Banta?

Oh, did you hear that?
"Mr. Banta."

Yeah, I am.

Hey, I got your photos
right here.

Oh, thank you very much.
Oh, that's very nice of you.

Can I do something for you?

Oh, no, no, no.

( sotto voce ):
Bozos.

Hey, hey, these are
some of my friends here.

Don't let him kid you.

These are all of his friends.

Uh, Bobby Wheeler.

How you doing, Bobby?
Pleasure to meet you.

I'm an actor, too.
Oh.

Alex Rieger.

Hi, Alex.
How you doing?

And that's Elaine Nardo.

( laughs ):
Hi.

How you doing?

I love your show.

Hey, uh, Mr. Villechaize, uh...

I do something, uh...
I'd like you to see.

( grumbling )
Well, it's, uh...

You want to
see it? Yeah?

Okay, here-here we go.

Hiya, boss.

How are you, boss?

Here comes the plane, boss.

You like it?

That's fine.

That was you.

Oh, that's very fine.

See?

Finally, I got
somebody in the garage

who appreciates talent.

Uh, will somebody
tell the big guy

that he stinks?

Wheeler,

what do you have to smile about?

I'm just looking forward to it.

Pathetic.

( theme music playing )

WOMAN:
Night, Mr. Walters.

( grunts )