03x11 - Kimmy Googles the Internet!

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music]

A girl getting a gentleman's C?

Well, pick up the cat
and put on flip-flops,

'cause the glass ceiling
just got shattered.

Ms. Schmidt, a word?

Professor Van Arsdale-Yates.

I'm having a dinner party ce soir.

May I rely on your attendance?

Wow.

I'd love to.

At your home?

I thought teachers just lived at school.

[Leonora laughs]

You'll be the perfect addition.

I host regular soirées for the students,

and I simply had to invite the new arrival

to our petite école

des pensées et mots de la bouche.

So...

welcome, and I will see you tonight.

Jean-Claude Van Damme.

[sighs]

Who knew gyming could be so fun?

My favorite part were those
TV-watching chairs with the handlebars.

Those were stationary bikes.

And mine didn't move at all.

Watch out. Non-stationary bike.

[Titus gasps]

Oh, my.

I feel like Whitney Houston
in The Bodyguard.

And you're the white guy, Kyle Copner.

I actually haven't seen that movie.

You've not seen the film that inspired

my un-started original screenplay

The Bodyguard 2: Guard Her Harder?

Maybe we can watch it together sometime.

Listen, um, I'd invite you in,

but there's something I got to tell you.

[baby crying]

I have a one-year-old daughter.

Oh, sure.

I've known lots of people
who've had babies.

My parents, the Octomom.

Also, I understand

babies be havin' babies.

[baby crying continues]

Oh, heavens.

I should let the babysitter go.

But when she's in a better mood,

I really want you to meet her, hmm?

Dinner tonight?

Why not?

I'm always happy to meet someone
who won't remember me.

[baby crying continues]

[door closes]

[upbeat music]

[Bankston] ♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ But females are strong as hell ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

That's gonna be, uh...

you know, a fascinating transition.

[singers] ♪ Damn it ♪

Can you believe it?

[Kimmy] Kimberly Cougar Schmidt,

rubbing elbows with the elites
the rest of the country hates.

[laughs] It seems like just yesterday

I was eating hair sandwiches
in the bunker.

[chuckles] It's not funny.

[Kimmy laughing]

Which one of these scrunchies says,

"I do word searches in pen"?

Girl, put those pocket buttholes away

and think about me for once.

[sighs] What does one even wear

to a fifth-gay-baby-meeting date?

Emily Post is silent on the subject.

Titus, I'm impressed.

I would have thought a guy with a baby
would freak you out.

You forget, I'm a master
of self-improvement, Kimp Bizkit.

I can't wait around for Mikey
to come to his dumb Italian senses.

I got to get on with my life
like an adult,

and that's exactly what Reuben is.

He's got a baby.

He takes taxis. He's been to Rhode Island.

Sure, it's scary and new,
like a recently purchased Halloween mask,

but being with him is an opportunity
for me to grow as a person.

The other day, he suggested
we split a dessert.

[scoffs] It was exhilarating.

You both have to pretend
you don't want the last bite.

It's a psychosexual chess match.

Titus and Kimmy... grown-ups!

If only those rats
who stole three of my best wigs

could see us now.

Huh... I think they can!

[cheery music]

[rats squeaking]

-Look at us! We're crushing it!
-I want my wigs back, jerks!

Excuse me, I got a call
about my husband, Russ Snyder.

What happened?

Did they flip him over
and forget which side is up?

I told them to draw an X on the front.

-[Mimi] Jacqueline!
-Hmm?

Can you believe
my Guatemalan butt implants got infected?

-[scoffs]
-But a lady's gotta choose--

her ass or her face,
and I don't have face money!

Oh, can you take me home?

Nobody else will.

You're delirious, Mimi.

I'm not Jacqueline.

I'm her twin sister, Jorqueline,

and I don't exist.

[Mimi] But, Jorqueline,

my family keeps writing,
"New phone who dis?"

Jorqueline!

[Stacey] Ms. White?

Hi, I'm Stacey, one of Russ' nurses.

We spoke on the phone.

Is everything okay?

If Russ needs any organs,

I'll gladly donate Kimmy's.

No. Everything's fine.

In fact, Dr. Moreau thinks

the bandages will come off tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

I'll... see him tomorrow?

Yes.

That's why I wanted to talk to you first.

Okay.

As you know,

your husband was fully smooshed.

Now, the doctors had to put
pieces of thigh in his face,

stack his kidneys
so that the horse pancreas would fit,

and rearrange his ossa exterior.

Outside bones or teeth.

Now, the post-smooshing patients

often require unique care.

Look, I just want my Russ back,

not-- "a ball of holes"?

I know.

It's a lot to take in.

We'll talk again tomorrow,

unless my Tinder date tonight

is a better m*rder*r
than the one last night.

[chuckles]

[sighs]

[woman speaking indistinctly over PA]

[soft classical music playing]

Perry.

I mean...

Refrigerateur,

how lovely to peep you.

Kimmy. Hey.

[Leonora] Kimmy! Kimmy, there you are!

Oh, welcome to our little salon.

Oh!

My wife is dying to meet you.

She's a professor of her-story

with a focus on the Viet-ma'am w*r.

Let me find her.

Dianne?

My partner and equal!

[Kimmy] Perry, I am

so, so sorry about
hucking that trash can at you.

Oh, no, Kimmy, it's fine. Not a big deal.

Well, it wasn't very nice of me.

What if a rat lived in there
and it had babies in a wig?

Look, I've been through some stuff.

Nothing that we ever need to get into--

No, look. Seriously, it's fine.
We're good.

For realsies?

Look, I'm actually
kind of glad you're here.

I've never been to a fancy dinner before.

I tried to tie a real bow tie,
but this is just a baby's headband.

Yeah, and all these people look so smart.

I'm afraid I'll say the wrong thing,

like "chloresterol."

Yeah, or,
"Please pass the government butter."

[Dianne] Leonora?

Yin to my yin?

[gasps]

You must be Kimmy. Oh!

Dianne Delamonte-Shapiro.

Welcome to our home.

All the art is meant to be touched.

-[bell ringing]
-[clears throat] Uh, mes putains?

Dinner is served!

If you are allergic
to any of the vegetables

mentioned in Shakespeare, you will find

nothing to your liking.

[chuckles]

[exhales softly]

Lookit, you want
to stick through this together?

[Perry clears throat]

♪ Ooh, E, Elijah rock ♪

[humming]

Hey, what are you doing here?

Just picking up a new robe
from the church office.

My last one shrunk in the wash
after I ate a ham.

Well, I wasn't expecting this meeting
to happen till tonight,

but, Titus,

I'd like to introduce you to Linda.

Oh, who's Linda? Your mom's friend?

A-- A woman you bought
a funky lamp from on craigslist?

No.

My daughter, Linda.

Wow.

Your baby's name is...

Linda, Kimmy!

He named his baby Linda.

That's not a baby name; that's a name

for an adult woman
who works in human resources

and says stuff like, "Mondays..."

Okay, first of all, how did you find me?

I track your phone, girl,

so I know if you're going
to the toy store without me.

Hey, hey, I thought
we were sticking together.

Leonora just made me touch some art
that I did not want to.

[Titus] Oh...

Is this the guy whose mouth
is softer than your kissing potato?

What? Perry, that's not a thing.

Why would you do that?

Kimmy, focus.

We're talking about a baby named Linda.

I'm supposed to be at Reuben's
before this sweats off

and he finds out I can't afford a watch.

[Kimmy] Titus, are you serious?

One minute you're talking about
being an adult,

and now you're gonna flip out
because a baby has a totally normal name?

[Perry] I don't know.

It's a little weird for a baby.

The only Linda I know is my aunt's friend.

She works in human resources.

[Titus] Thank you.

Perry's the only one
who's ever supported me.

Are you sure you're not just
freaking out about the baby

and looking for a dumb excuse to bail?

Like you did with "Close Talker"

or "Man Hands"?

I like a dainty hand, Kimmy.

You like Reuben too, though, right?

[Perry] I mean, if you like this guy,

you should give him a chance, right?

Good point, Perry.

Thanks, man.

I'm gonna see how it goes tonight
with Reuben and...

Linda.

Wait.

Who's Linda? His boss?

[gasps] Linda's the baby.

Yeah, that takes some getting used to.

[attendees murmuring softly]

Did you know that Nabokov's
native language was Russian

but he could be a creep
in English and French as well?

[all murmuring, chuckling]

Someone else be interesting.

Uh, well...

I recently read a really interesting quote

on the side of some government butter.
[inhales sharply] Ah!

Uh, oh, here's a fun fact.

Cats don't meow around other cats.

-They only do it to mimic people.
-[woman] Fascinating.

I learned that from a pop-up book
that I did not end up purchasing.

Well, I just checked on the chicken.

Uh, dinner is vegan, of course.

The chicken is a rescue
we're raising as a child.

[attendees murmuring supportively]

He's doing good.

[whispering] This is fun.

I feel like I'm wearing glasses.

[Leonora] You know,

Dianne and I have had
a lot more time on our hands

over these past few years,
what with making tenure...

And achieving lesbian bed death.

Hence, these dinners have become

increasingly special to us.

We only invite
the most interesting people, of course.

Tamara here is a poet

and arsonist.

Also, I'm trans-ghost.

[attendees murmuring]

Edmund works
in the Columbia robotics lab.

He made a robot that's r*cist.

But why?

I wonder why I'm here.

You do?

I guess I have made a name for myself

skipping everywhere on campus.

[Leonora] Ooh, and Perry here

is the most promising student
in my seminar.

I was so impressed
by a recent paper of his,

I asked him to present it
in my intro philosophy class tomorrow.

[all murmuring]

Also, he is extremely poor.

That's my class.

I didn't realize I was in the company
of a presentation-giver.

Uh, it's about the Phaedo,

Plato's last Socratic dialogue.

Some people don't realize
that many of those ancient texts

were meant to be read aloud.

Ha! Idiots.

So I'm bringing them

into the 21st century by rapping them.

Whoa.

The other students will be all like,

"Uh, oh, my, rapping has no place
in the classroom.

We only learn from books
and scrolls and-- Wait, what?"

[Leonora laughing]

You two remind me of me and Dianne
when we were your age.

We met while protesting Nixon.

Cynthia Nixon.

We were very upset
she was holding up contract negotiations

for the second season of Sex and the City.

Ooh, and Kimmy is here, of course,
because she...

I'm the Skipster.

...is a Mole Woman.

[dramatic musical sting]

Wait, how did you know that I'm a--
that I was a Mole Woman?

Oh, well, Dianne and I
google all of our students.

In the hopes of finding

old high school field hockey pictures.

Can you believe this tuna tartare

is made entirely of cashews?

Mmm. Isn't it fishy?

So that's why I'm here?

It's not the skipping

or that I can count to ten in Spanish?

Well, eight.

Oh, no.

We wanted to discuss your experiences

as a kidnapping victim.

[Kimmy clears throat]

Please excuse me.

I have to go to the airport
to pick up Jorqueline.

[Perry] Uh...

[sighs]

That's a shame.

Kimmy, hold up.

How could they do that?

They googled me, like I'm some kind
of unlikely animal friendship.

Look, it's just something people do.

Oh, my gosh.

Did you do it too?

Everybody does it.

You think it's an accident

"google" is just "go ogle"
without the space?

Sure, it's kind of a moral gray area,
but--

No, some things
are pretty black-and-white.

Uh, newspapers.

A penguin before it goes in a blender.

Rainbows if you're a dog.

And snooping on people's secrets.

Carry on.

[sighs]

I'm sorry.

I thought you knew
that stuff was out there.

I feel terrible
about what happened to you.

Oh, so now you feel bad for me,

like I'm that Muppet on Sesame Street
whose dad is in jail.

Is that why you were so nice
about the garbage can?

I-- Well, I mean,

maybe that had something
to do with it, but...

[chicken clucking]

They're allowed to stay up late.

They're not chickens.

[chicken clucks]

[Dianne laughs]

I-- I really do like you.

I don't want to hear it. I'm out of here.

And by the way, I think your idea
to rap philosophy is stupid.

No, that's the anger talking.

It's gonna be incredible,
and everyone knows it.

[phone ringing]

[sighs]

Jacqueline, I really
don't want to talk right now.

Perfect. I don't want you to talk either.

Russ may be coming home tomorrow,
and I don't know if I could handle it.

With smooshing victims,

there's a 40% chance
they'll have external funk-sacs.

I don't even know what that means,

but the drawing is mostly stink lines.

Oh, sure, call me about this.

'Cause Kimmy's the expert

on messed-up bummers and shiznit.

There's a lot more to me than the bunker.

I can't whistle. I saw a hawk once.

That sounds a lot like talking, Kimmy.

I've been smooshing his picture
to try to get a sense

of what I'm in for.

The pamphlet says I should also

be smearing it with old shrimp

while listening
to haunted house sound effects.

[sighs]

God...

I've never taken care of anyone
in my entire life.

Even with Buckley and Xan,

there was always a nanny or a horse

I could leave them with.

[gasps] Dang it, Xan.

Has she googled me?

Ugh, Kimmy, with you,

it is always me, me, me, me.

Mimi.

I could practice on her.

No one's picked her up,

so she's just been ET-ing
in the hospital gift shop stuffed animals.

[sighs]

Xan, have you ever googled me?

Be honest. I can take it.

-Yes.
-No!

This isn't happening!

You know about my... stuff?

Yeah. Why do you think
I'm always so nice to you?

Ugh...

[tense music]

[Kimmy] What?

No!

[gasps]

Ugh!

[dramatic musical flourish]

So it's all just out there
for anyone to surf

on the World Wide Web?

All they have to do is type

"https colon backslash backslash

www dot google dot com

backslash number sign Q

equals sign kimmy plus sign schmidt"?

Look, the Internet has
everyone's most embarrassing stuff on it,

like, even mine.

Type "girl poops pants at spelling bee."

[Xan] Mummichog.

M-U-M-M-I-C...

H...

Oh, gee!

[man] That is correct.

[applause]

That doesn't make me feel any better.

I don't want your humiliation on there
any more than--

Why are you still onstage?

'Cause I wasn't out yet
and I had to b*at Priya Patel.

Well, I don't want my bunker stuff
on the Internet.

I just want to be in charge of my own life
like a grown-up.

Oh, grown-ups are all over the Internet.

"Drunk lady at White House."

This is my dad's girlfriend.

[woman] Someone threw up in my purse!

Oh, my gosh.
"Drunk lady at White Castle"?

That's my therapist.

Is she wearing a bathing suit?

Also, I did not bring a dog in here.

I let a dog in here.

Big difference.

-[dog growling]
-Ow, quit biting me, dog.

I did what you asked.

[laughing]

[exciting music]

[Reuben] Titus.

-Titus.
-[chuckles]

I was just admiring baby... Linda.

[Titus] So is that

a family name or...

No, just thought it was cute.

Anyway, this place does a great eel roll.

I did a great eel roll back in the day.

The dance move?

It's like the worm,
but you're on your side.

[Linda] Mondays...

What the living hell was that?

-[Reuben] It's so funny.
-[Linda cries]

Linda always says "Mondays"
whenever she does an oopsie.

Did Linda do an oopsie?

Did Linda make a poopy?

It's none of your business.

She's a grown woman.

Uh-oh. I see what happened.

Somebody got into the SlimFast again.

Oh, come on.

If Linda fills her purse
with the SlimFast,

then she can't find her keys,

and then she gets mad, doesn't she?

[smooching]

[Linda] Mondays!

[door slams]

[dramatic instrumental music]

Oh. [laughs]

Are you really gonna take care of me,

or is this a prank,

like when Jamie Kennedy proposed to me?

Oh, I miss him so much.

I'm here for you, Mimi.

Whatever you need--

The gel is slipping into my leg again!

Push it up!

Push it up! [whimpering]

Oh, good.

[upbeat jazzy music]

[Jacqueline sighs]

Mimi, you've got to take this.

[spits]

You have to trick me like a dog.

I can't sit on a toilet yet,

so just hold me over the bathtub.

Drains is drains!

[laughs]

I need water!

I need a blanket!

I need to go tub again!

Call Make-A-Wish.

I want to meet Shaq!

[phone chimes]

Jacqueline!

I just got a text!

I need to do the ice bucket challenge!

Jacqueline?

Jacqueline!

Jacqueline, Jacqueline, Jacqueline,

Jacqueline, Jacqueline,
Jacqueline, Jacqueline!

You better not be using up all your data.

I need it for my Twitter w*r
with the other Titus Andromedon.

I'm trying to find my old therapist.

So far I've learned that

she lost her license
and a wet shorts contest in Atlantic City,

which means
now I'm invading people's privacy.

I hate the Internet!

What do you expect?

It was invented by nerds,
and you know how they are.

Angry 'cause they're all alone,

and they know it's their fault,

'cause they're always
finding little problems

with every Reuben they meet.

Kimmy, I don't think
I'm talking about nerds anymore.

Titus, what happened last night?

I flipped and ran away
like a pancake with legs.

Will you make that for me
next pancake day?

Please tell me this isn't about--

You know it's about Linda,

'cause everything about Reuben is great
except this one thing:

his bitch baby.

Okay, Titus,
there are adult Lindas, right?

Well, at some point,
those Lindas must have been babies.

What do you think they'd say
about how crazy it is

for a baby to be named Linda?

There's only one way to find out.

I need to speak to Linda in HR.

Which one?

All of them.

So-- So wait.

The baby's name is Linda?

Yes, Linda P.

And I know I'm getting
in my own way like always--

Uh, no, it's weird.

When I was a kid, everyone called me Lulu.

I didn't start going by Linda till...

-after Gary left.
-Mm.

And Linda is my middle name.

I didn't start using it until, I guess,

around the time my dog

started eating at the table with me.

I actually changed my name to Linda

to get more jobs in HR.

It's a real Lindas' club.

[Linda S.] Well, in my country,

it's actually pronounced "Leenda,"

so it is not so weird on the baby.

-That's beautiful.
-That's so nice.

I love to travel.

So Kimmy was wrong yet again.

I'm not being crazy?

No, a baby named Linda is weird,

but it is the kind of thing

that you can look past

if you really want to.

What are you saying, Lindas?

[Linda P.]
After Gary left, I dated a lot of guys

that really weren't right for me,

but I convinced myself
that our differences

were just opportunities for me to grow,

even though deep down I knew

I deserved to be with someone
who loved to go dancing

or wasn't a Juggalo king.

Of course you deserve better.

You're Linda P., damn it.

-Oh. [chuckles]
-And I'm Titus A.

There's nothing wrong with Reuben,
but he's not right.

I don't want to go to the gym

or a museum called The Frick

where no one laughs
when you say things like,

"Why the frick did we come here?"

[laughter]

I guess I wanted to prove
I could move on after Mikey,

so I was forcing it.

Just like Reuben
is forcing his baby to be a Linda

when true Lindas must ripen,

like one of those things
that hang off plants.

Uh, fruits and vegetables.

I'm on day two, Whole30.

-We should do it together.
-You already look great.

-Linda--
-You'll never make it.

Thanks, Lindas.

Are you going to stay
for Karen's birthday cupcakes?

Uh, is Linda D. proud of her nephew?
[laughs]

You know I am. Stop it, girl.

[laughter]

Hey, if I hook you guys up,

will you drive me
to my boyfriend's wife's house later?

Hi, Dr. Bayden.

Kimmy.

What a terrible surprise.

How'd you find me?

The Internet.

I googled you,

and there are a ton of complaints
about your piercings on Yelp.

Well, that's just Tevin.

Hey, Tevin!

You're lucky I'm not legally allowed
to come over there.

We used to hook up.

Are you still drinking?

Like you're so perfect.

-You're drunk right now.
-No, I'm not.

Then why are you dressed like that?

[laughing]

Okay, look.

I need your help.

The last time I saw you,

you said the only three people
I can change

are me, myself, and I.

But what if that's not true?

No matter how hard I try,

the old messed-up me
is still stuck in the Net.

Okay, what'd you do, google yourself?

Yeah, that's a mistake.

Have you seen
"girl poops pants at spelling bee"?

Humiliating.

And that's coming from

"Psychiatrist poops floor at conference."

Yeah, I googled myself.

And so did the guy I like

and a professor

and, I guess, everybody.

You know, I should have
just stayed Kimmy Smith.

At least she was free to live her life--

[Andrea] No.

Kimmy Schmidt is free, okay?

She can just assume that everybody

already knows everything

and stop worrying about it.

Hey, mall!

This chick got bunkered!

Ah, big time!

-Shut your face!
-Bigly!

Long time-- [slurping]

Okay, here's my point.

Think of all the time and energy

you have spent keeping your secret,

deciding whom to tell,

always looking over your shoulder
with that big ol' pumpkin head of yours.

What are you? Irish?

Man, they've got some heads.

So lookit, what if you didn't
have to put in all that effort, okay?

Worrying, hiding,

taking a bus to New Jersey

to get advice
from a unlicensed psychiatrist

with a loaded g*n in her tights.

[Kimmy] What?

To quote Elsa, "Let it go!"

Elsa is my boyfriend's wife.

I grabbed her hair
at a high school basketball game.

So, what, I'm just supposed
to pretend I don't care?

No, you're supposed to not care.

Look, what would you be doing right now

if you weren't in Bumbledick, New Jersey,

trying to get in my pants?

Well, I guess
I'd be heading to class to see my...

friend give a rap lecture
on Greek philosophy.

Yes, go do that.

Thanks, Andrea.

God, there's so many bugs in here.

Titus.

Um, come in.

What happened last night?

-I went to pick up Linda...
-Mm.

When we turned around, you disappeared

like the table
at that magic show I took you to.

[inhales deeply]
I'm glad you mentioned your love of magic.

It's part of why I'm here. [exhales]

Reuben, like that leopard print unitard

I bought on the sidewalk,
I wanted this to work,

but it doesn't.

You haven't seen The Bodyguard.

I don't want to eat eels.

What if I get electrocuted?

Well, you're not perfect either,

Mr. "I Fell Asleep
on the Floor of The Frick."

But when Tilda Swinton does it, it's art.
[scoffs]

Plus, you're afraid of a vacuum cleaner.

You gave up
halfway through a revolving door.

When I brought you a bouquet, you ate it.

I thought it was a Edible Arrangement.
I don't have a lot of fruit experience.

Also, you're weird
for naming a baby Linda.

Well, you live with
a grown woman named Kimmy.

But I did not name her that.

Then maybe this is for the best.

For both of us.

Uh-uh, ain't nobody tracking
what this says about you.

Titus is growing. You are devastated.

See you at choir practice.

I will be late, because a bunch of us

are getting margaritas
for Karen's birthday.

[students murmuring indistinctly]

[whimsical music]

Support us and become VIP member
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[clears throat]

Socrates,

Plato, Aristotle.

These are the first street philosophers.

In fact, you might say

that Socrates' dialogues

are the OG rap battles.

Oh, my God, is he gonna rap?

-[hip-hop b*at plays]
-[man] This'll make people

forget all about
"kid gets erection at bar mitzvah."

[Perry] ♪ Yeah, uh ♪

[dramatic music]

♪ I'm Socrates and we've got knowledge ♪

♪ That you can't learn
From going to college ♪

♪ You got to ask questions to get it out ♪

♪ Just read the Phaedo ♪

♪ There's no doubt ♪

♪ Aww, Phaedo ♪

[man] Damn.

[Perry] Yeah.

Um...

[clears throat] Uh...

♪ Learning is only recollection ♪

♪ How else could a sl*ve know math? ♪

Hold up, I'm off the b*at.
I'm off the b*at.

Hold on. Uh...

Wait, just wait. Wait, wait, wait.

Ah. Uh, I accidentally opened Adobe.

I-- just one-- one second.

[error message buzzing]

Not today, Internet.

I'm not letting Perry go through
what I went through,

especially the New Jersey part.

Do your worst, tubes,

'cause I'm Kimmy Schmidt,

and I don't fudging care.

[hip-hop b*at playing]

[beatboxing]

♪ I'm Kimmy Schmidt
And this is what I do ♪

♪ Being a rapper in Perry's crew ♪

♪ One guy rapping may be lame ♪

♪ But two friends rapping
Is a really fun game ♪

♪ I can freestyle and make it rhyme ♪

♪ I can freestyle all of the days ♪

[laughter]

Uh, break it down!

♪ Go Perry, go Perry ♪

♪ Is it your birthday? ♪

♪ It hasn't come up ♪

♪ I'm really glad we can be friends ♪

♪ Me too, I bet you hope
This rap never ends ♪

[both] ♪ Aww ♪

♪ It doesn't ♪

[class groaning]

[Kimmy] Rhyme time!

Ms. White?

Oh, no,
I'm Jacqueline's sister, Jorqueline,

and I'm in the middle of a big bike race.

[sighs]

I can't do it.

I can't take care of Russ.

I spent one day taking care
of my acquaintemy Mimi Kanassis,

and I almost k*lled her.

I'm just not strong enough for this.

Wait, Mimi Kanassis
with the butt implants?

That woman is a nightmare.

Well, yes, but--

No, honestly, I don't blame you.

You know, she's in here a lot.

She does get most of her plastic surgery

by blackmailing doctors
on sugar daddy sites.

Shaq stopped visiting
the kids at this hospital

because of her.

No, if you can last a whole day

without murdering Mimi Kanassis,

you're gonna be fine.

[sniffles]

Come on.

I'll love him no matter what.

I'll do whatever it takes.

[sniffs] Even if that's what
he smells like now.

Oh, sorry, that's me.

I loves my vending machine Cup O' Clams.

[exhales]

[tense music]

Jacqueline. My love.

Everybody leave!

♪ Socrates' wife was named Xanthippe ♪

♪ That's the name of a friend of mine ♪

♪ Whose pants get drippy ♪

[Perry] Oh!

You mentioned me in your philosophy rap?

That's not even the best part.

My name is in the title.

Now it's the first thing that comes up
when you google me.

But it's also the third thing
that comes up when you google me.

It pushed down my debate championship.

Don't you get it, Xan?

As long as I just keep doing stuff,

one day, all the Mole Woman stories

will be on page two of my search results,

and then when I'm president of America,

page three.

And that's how
I'm gonna b*at the Internet.

[hip-hop b*at playing]

♪ A break, break, break
Break, break, break dancing ♪

[Perry] ♪ Do the eel roll ♪

-Good night, everybody!
-Good night!